I don''t want to invite someone - Am I being unreasonable?

[clop]

Hi, thought I'd post/vent here to get a fresh perspective. My BMs, friends are enabling the "it's your wedding, your special day, invite whomever you want" mentality. So if I am being unreasonable, I sure could use a swift reality check.

Our guest list has grown from 80 to 125. 100 is family, the rest are close friends. We budgeted for 80, and now need to adjust the menu slightly etc.

We chose to invite couples only if they were married, engaged, or soon to be engaged; if we didn't know their other halves well. Since we were inviting only our closest friends, any singles were asked not to bring a date. We wanted family, and those near and dear to us present.

The issue is my fiance's friend is bringing someone who he's been seeing for about a year, living together for the past 6 months. My fiance & I do not know this person, I wouldn't know her if she passed me on the street. I do not want her there. Long story short - I am friends with his ex-fiance, they were dating 9 years, engaged, and his current gf 'broke' up their engagement. Yes, it takes 2 to tango, I understand, but she actively pursued him knowing full well he was engaged. Anyhow, I don't care for her, and don't want to see her on my wedding day. Our costs per person are a bit high, and it feels like rubbing salt in the wound that I'm actually paying for her to be there. I know that is the wrong mentality, but can't help it. hmm not sure if I left anything out. oh, I'm not very close with his ex, but I consider her a friend. She cannot make it to the wedding - if she could have made it, we would not have invited her ex. My fiance says its none of our business, (which I agree it's not). However as stated above, if I was having a bbq and she showed up, I guess I wouldn't care, but we already had to limit our guest list, am busting our budget, it just really rubs me the wrong way that she is there. There are people that I don't know, dozens of fiance's family members, some of my parents friends etc - but I am more than happy for them to share our special moment with us, because they are family, or mean a lot to my family or his etc. However, I do not feel the same about her, whether on principle, or loyalty to my friend etc. We are inviting his friend because they have been friends since junior high.

ok thanks for listening to the vent, sorry if this was not written in a straightforward manner, or jumped around etc. I figure I should have laid things out chronologically or in a different order, but this is how it came out.

eta: She (my friend who moved away) & I speak with her every few months. My fiance sees his friend once or twice a year.

 

[palomablancabride]

IMHO I don't think you are being unreasonable. We are having a small wedding (about 70 people) that we are paying for ourselves, and if any of the guests are dating someone we don't know he/she isn't invited to the wedding (even if it is serious). If your FI's friend doesn't want to come without his gf that's unfortunate, but you certainly have every right to invite or not invite whoever you want.

 

[marchswallowbird]

You''re not being unreasonable. You don''t want anyone at your wedding that will cause you to frown/feel negative, unless you will be damaging family relationships by not inviting someone. On the other hand, you need to ask if not inviting the current girlfriend will cause an irreparable rift in your FI''s relationship with his friend. If it would, does your FI feel deeply about losing this friend? Those are the key considerations. You have to think not only about this one day, but about relationships afterwards.

 

[urseberry]

This is a tricky situation. In general, people who are living together are an established couple and should be invited together. However, the history involved and your small guest list makes this more difficult. I would consider your fiance''s friend''s feelings. Would he feel insulted if you didn''t invite the girlfriend, or would he understand?

 

[cbs102]

I would stick with your original plan.. they are not engaged... therefore she is not invited. period. just make sure that you don''t bend the rules for anyone! ugh i would be so irritated if i were you. you are not being unreasonable AT ALL!

 

[surfgirl]

Well, if you want to not invite her, it seems that you will have to alter your "invite rules" to be that you invite people you do not know only if they are married or engaged. But if this couple gets engaged before your wedding, then you''re sort of screwed.

 

[jcarlylew]

I dont blame you for not wanting to invite people who you dont know (or want) at your wedding. How does your FI feel about it? With your rule set of invites (spouse, FI or SO) the GF does fall under the rule IMO - anything over a year can be considered SO. Unfortunately there is no tactful way to say "please don''t bring your GF". But it does boil down to what you and your FI want for YOUR wedding.

Is there a mutual friend, or a large enough group of friends so your guest will not feel out of place without the GF? Or maybe one of his family memembers (parents) he can bring?


as always - its okay to rant (or rave!)

 

[meresal]

Honestly... for an 80 person wedding that is already over by 45, and he wasn't going to be invited in the first place... then why in the world are you inviting either of them? Just my .02

But as far as if you are being unreasonable... then you have to look at it from the future. This could harbor some rough waters between your FI and his friend. Is it worth it?

Also, you said he's "bringing" her... was the invite already sent? was her name on it? if it didn't say guest then he has no right to bring her.

 

[clop]

Thanks everyone for your input! Wish fiance could read this thread and change his mind.

Palomablancabride - I am so envious of you! a nice intimate wedding, with only the people you know and love in attendance.

Thanks marchswallowbird, urseberry, cbs102. Yes, I know it''s just one person, and she won''t ruin my day by any means, but I know when I see her, I will feel a negative wave of emotion, and remember how shocked and hurt my friend was, and still is. I will remember the pain in her voice when she told me what happened, and remember her sobs on the phone. Not pleasant memories I want to recollect. After the breakup - they didn''t announce they were together until months afterwards, and to my knowledge, his family still hates her. (they were going to relocate cross country, he stayed behind to sell their condo, tie up loose ends etc. She aggressively pursued him - according to his friends who have no loyalty to her or reason to lie etc) **yes he is at fault as well I know. It won''t cause a rift in their friendship if we addressed the invite to the friend only. My fiance just thinks it would be awkward not to invite her. His main gripe is what happened is none of our business.

 

[marchswallowbird]

Is FI''s main objection really only that it would be "awkward"? Or is he afraid of what this might do to his friendship long-term? He obviously means it might be awkward for HIM. You need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your FI and find out how he really feels deep down about this. This is not about affording one more person or whether you are observing proper etiquette, or even whether it is none of your business what his friend did with his former girlfriend. This is about your feelings and your FI''s feelings. You have very strong feelings about this situation and about this person, and I think that is the most important consideration. It doesn''t seem your FI completely understands this. And it seems you may not be completely clear on how your FI feels about it.

 

[clop]

lol it seems I take a long time to post. Didn''t see the additional responses.

We haven''t sent the invites to them yet. I wanted to address it to just him, but my fiance & I argued about it. I did mention this to him months ago, and he agreed, just recently changed his mind.

surfgirl - You''ve said what I was not wanting/afraid to hear. That I need to be consistent when applying my "invite rules." I was hoping for some sort of "pass" because it''s my wedding lol. Deep down I have an inkling that is the right thing to do, but on the other hand, there''s an equally persistent voice that echoes what everyone else is saying - you don''t need to invite her, the guests are up to you etc.

jcarlylew - Thanks, I shouldn''t get encourangement to rant or rave, I may go overboard! lol

Meresal - Thank you for your frankness, I do agree with you. The reason he is being invited when we are already over is because my fiance is only inviting 5 friends - (10 including dates). They are or were a core group, and not including 1 would be odd). He wavered between not inviting any friends at all, but now wants to include them.

My fiance is really easygoing - but inexplicably he''s pretty adamant about this. I am very afraid that she will end up attending. My MOH very nicely and seriously offered to take her away from all of the pictures thinking that''s what I wanted. (maybe I do, but think that would be even more awkward). lol I we are sending out the invites early next week. If she does end up on the invite, I guess my next post will be "how do I deal with her at the reception"

Thanks for everyone''s support!

 

[clop]

ugh Marchswallowbird, you''re right there is one more layer. I should have mentioned it to begin with.

I have invited one person, a close friend, whom my fiance doesn''t care for. He doesn''t hate her, nor has she done anything to him. He thinks she is overly dramatic, and selfish. To some extent I agree, but I''m not perfect either, and her flaws do not affect me directly, and she has wonderful other qualities.

He said if she is going, I should be fine with the other going. He had no issue when I invited her, none at all. If he did, I actually may have not invited her. He only brought it up last week.

His reasons for including her are:
1. they''re living together
omg I forgot until now - we were fine not including her, but he only recently found out they were living together, so now she has to be invited. geez, my memory sure is spotty.
2. "last time I saw her she took the time to ask how you were. that was considerate, and most people would have just said hi"
umm, isn''t that just being polite? most people would inquire about someone''s gf, spouse etc.
3. it was none of our business
4. you weren''t extremely close to the ex.
True but I do care for her, and speak with her more than he speaks to that friend.

I could be wrong, but I honestly believe he thinks his friendship with that guy would not be damaged by not including her, none of the reasons why he said he wants to include her were, it would damage my friendship. Plus, friend knows I was friends with his ex.

 

[fieryred33143]

Well before I give you the “its your wedding, your special day, invite whomever you want” I’m going to say that to me, you are being unreasonable. I get it, you were friends with the ex-fiance. But sh$t happens and while these are your friends, its none of your business. This is not some woman he has taken on a few dates, he’s living with her. Think back to when you and your fiance were together for a year. How would you have felt if he had gotten an invite for himself even though the person inviting knew you were with him? I know I would be hurt/upset and my FF would not go to the wedding.

And to finish off…its your wedding, your special day, invite whomever you want.

ETA: I guess my point is that if you aren't going to invite her, then don't invite him.

 

[purrfectpear]

It IS your day therefore you can do whatever you want as long as you and FI agree.

However, please stop with the rationalizations already. This has nothing to do with budget.

You are in a snit because you don''t like that this girl replaced your friend. Period. His mistakes in judgement are not really your business. If the morality bothers you, he should not invited either.
You are being a mini-zilla, so own it and don''t try to make excuses.

 

[clop]

Hey I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to read & reply to my ramblings. I know I am probably throwing a tantrum, or coming across as whiny so thanks for putting up with it!

Fieryred, thanks, that make sense. Though I do have to say, I would be offended in your scenario. However, if I was a reason partial or full for breaking up someone''s engagement, to a friend of the bride, I would not be offended if I wasn''t invited. I would be ashamed even to go, but that''s just me. lol I DID NOT like your eta

My fiance has a similar view = $hit happens, they''re together get over it. I do get that, if one of my friends was "the other girl" of course I would be upset at them, but I would get over it.

Everyone''s opinions really helps - those that agreed with me thanks - it''s good to know I''m not a super unreasonable, marauding, control crazy, irrational bride (well, at least in this situation lol). It''s comforting to know others would do the same, and I am not overreacting too much.

Surfgirl & Fieryred thanks - if she finally does attend/is invited I can comfort myself in the fact that I "did the right/proper" thing, that I shouldn''t apply rules arbitrarily, instead of stewing how fiance is unreasonable etc.

 

[clop]

Date: 7/16/2008 2:05:32 PM
Author: purrfectpear
It IS your day therefore you can do whatever you want as long as you and FI agree.


However, please stop with the rationalizations already. This has nothing to do with budget.


You are in a snit because you don''t like that this girl replaced your friend. Period. His mistakes in judgement are not really your business. If the morality bothers you, he should not invited either.

You are being a mini-zilla, so own it and don''t try to make excuses.

lol yes agree about the budget. We''re already over by 45, so one extra person isn''t going to really do anything. It''s just adding insult to injury, that I''m paying for her to be there.

I actually do agree with your entire post. He''s just as guilty as her, and I really don''t have a problem with him attending, (important to fiance), so I should be fine with her too. Things happen, people break up, it was just the manner in which it happened, but they''re together, I need to get over it.

I''m pretty good about recognizing when I''m a full fledged raging zilla, I just thought this time I possibly was in the right.

Thanks for listening!

 

[galeteia]

I disagree.

You are under no obligation to strain your finances to pay out of your pocket to entertain a homewrecker.

Talk about an ugly blot to have at the ceremony of two people fulfilling the promise of a sacred commitment.

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m with Gala.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 7/16/2008 2:30:30 PM
Author: Galateia
I disagree.


You are under no obligation to strain your finances to pay out of your pocket to entertain a homewrecker.


Talk about an ugly blot to have at the ceremony of two people fulfilling the promise of a sacred commitment.

i agree that you aren''t obligated, so to speak, to invite anyone. but if you use her homewrecker status to disqualify her from coming, then you are obligated to go through the rest of your list and make sure that no others have anything shady in their past that might contradict the commitment you and your FI are making. i imagine it would take a lot of energy to get that judgmental.

you don''t HAVE to do anything. you are entitled to do whatever you want, but know that it would be rude not to invite her. you may or may not care about that though (i don''t mean to sound snarky with that! honest!). i think that you should turn it over to your FI. if he''s being adamant, let him have it, as he obviously cares about it.

i know it sucks having a personal bone to pick with the girl, but do your best to let it slip off your radar and do your best to be happy that your friend (the ex) has the opportunity to find someone new, and that the two of them are in a happy relationship (i''m assuming). since you aren''t really a major player in either of their lives, i don''t really think you are in a position to get indignant enough to not invite her.

 

[Pandora II]

My rules were married, engaged, living together for over a year.

Have you stated your rules anywhere? If not, substitute the ''nearly engaged'' for ''nearly engaged/living together for over a year'' and hey presto, problem solved.

 

[Bia]

I think you can invite whomever you want, you're paying--rules can be broken in my book! But, I don't think seeing her face is going to cause you heartache. You will be so "in the moment" that the likelihood you will even have to speak to her is slim. If it means a lot to your fiance, then invite her...he's not saying you have to be chummy.

If it were me, and my BF's friendship might be on the line because of this one decision, I'd get over it and invite the chick. Doesn't mean I have to like it and it also doesn't mean I have to pretend I like her. Remember, you don't even know her, so there would be no reason for you to really talk to her other than saying hello...

And, to reiterate what your man said, its none of your business. Your friend won't even be there to see the other woman. No worries honey...just bite your tongue and enjoy your wedding day.

 

[Gwyn]

I know you m entioned in your oringinal post that you did not invites couples that were not married/engaged/about to be engaged. I am curious, how many people does that actually apply to?

What I mean to ask is, how many couples that are living together did you invite just one of to your wedding?


I personally think you are being unreasonable and a little bit petty. If you dont want her there, you should probably just not invite either of them. It sucks that your FI friends side is on the light side, but you are just going to opening a big bag of worms by not inviting her. It could very well put strain on you and FIs relationship with this guy for a very long time.

Not that I condone her actions, but your friend and this guy were never actually married so I think calling her a homewrecker is a little too much. Granted she should have stayed away from a guy in a relationship, you really have no way of knowing who pursued who unless you were there at every moment of their courtship. Even if he says it was her, can you really trust some cheater?

Anyway, you got a couple thats been together almost a year and is living together. Not to mention that one of them left a long relationship to be with this other person. I would say thats a pretty serious relationship and it would be total bridezilla in my eyes to not invite him with a guest. If you think it would be weird to invite all the friends except him, imagine how it is going to be when all friends get invited with dates and he doesnt (you did say 10 with dates after saying 5 of FIs friends were invited).

Like it or not, they are a couple; a package deal now. Regardless what ettiquette may or may not state, the right thing to do is extend the invite to both or neither. If you dont, be prepared for conflict down the road and for your FI to get an invite to their wedding solo. I doubt its worth hurting their feelings.

 

[clop]

Date: 7/16/2008 3:38:53 PM
Author: Pandora II
My rules were married, engaged, living together for over a year.


Have you stated your rules anywhere? If not, substitute the ''nearly engaged'' for ''nearly engaged/living together for over a year'' and hey presto, problem solved.

Thanks Pandora, this does solve everything - then I wouldn''t be blatantly singling them out (rightly or wrongly).

I know there are no hard rules on invite etiquette (maybe there are?) and it''s nowadays acceptable to limit guests to spouse/fiance/living together etc, whatever your cutoff is, for the life of me, I don''t know why I couldn''t blurt out living together 1 year when we were discussing this. I do know the year cut off is a bit arbitrary, could be .5, 2 years etc, but hey, it serves its purpose.

 

[clop]

Date: 7/16/2008 2:30:30 PM
Author: Galateia
I disagree.


You are under no obligation to strain your finances to pay out of your pocket to entertain a homewrecker.


Talk about an ugly blot to have at the ceremony of two people fulfilling the promise of a sacred commitment.

Date: 7/16/2008 3:12:12 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I''m with Gala.

That is exactly how I feel. I know people have differences on opinion on this, but the minute I try to be more mature? <- if that''s the right word, I do feel a little indignant.

 

[fieryred33143]

Aww I didn’t mean anything by the ETA LOL.

I feel for you, I really do. I also am with someone that has had friends since elementary/middle school and he’s 30 so these guys have been around for more than 20 years!! That said, in the 6 years we have been together I have seen many girls come and go…some I’ve adored, others I made sure the door did hit them on the way out. My boyfriend made it very clear to me that while he isn’t discounting the friendship I make with these girls it doesn’t compare to his 20 something year friendship with his guys. And while he never said the words out loud because frankly it’s an immature thing to say, I know that the loyalty will always be to his friends before it is to any of the girls that I meet.

That said, I don’t know how long you’ve been with your fiancé. Even if you’ve been with him for the 9 years that his friend was with his ex and you had 9 years of a friendship with her, it still doesn’t compare to the friendship he’s had with this guy since middle school. When it comes to loyalties, although not said out loud…it would be to the friend before it is to her. It sucks that the new girl was a homewrecker. Women like that don’t deserve to have friendships with great people like you…but that’s the woman he chose to be with and that should have no bearing on whether or not she gets invited. And I think its worth mentioning that not all relationships have this beautiful beginning (my boyfriend stole me away from his friend of 10 years), but that doesn’t mean that the persons involved are bad people (I’m not a bad person and neither is my bf)…so who knows, she may be someone that you can actually get along with if you give her a chance.

 

[clop]

[/quote]

i imagine it would take a lot of energy to get that judgmental.

[/quote]

lol I know. I know I have plenty of faults, some I work on, some well, I will probably always have. No one's perfect. Certain things are harder to forget than others. I am removed in that situation - and her actions affected me only indirectly. I thankfully didn't experience heartbreak, only consoled someone who did. To be honest, if this happened to someone else - one of my best friends, there wouldn't even be a discussion if she was coming or not - a definite no. I may have mentioned before, but was thinking, if one of my best friends - girls I regard as family, happened to be "the homewrecker" I wouldn't be able to write them off, so I do see the hypocrisy.


[/quote]

since you aren't really a major player in either of their lives, i don't really think you are in a position to get indignant enough to not invite her.

[/quote]

That how my fiance feels.


eta: oops I obviously have yet to figure out the quote system

 

[Bia]

Date: 7/16/2008 4:05:41 PM
Author: clop

eta: oops I obviously have yet to figure out the quote system

LOL it took me awhile to figure it out.

Find the post you want to quote and click reply (each post will have a reply icon), when the page opens, click quote. Their quote will show up in the text box.

 

[clop]

Bia thanks! Yes, I may be a touch melodramatic Yes I mentioned all the awfulness that I may feel etc, but will that happen? Most probably not. I think I was and still am a little overly indignant over the whole situation. LOL since we''re having so many additional people, I bet I won''t even know she''s there! ok I shouldn''t be snarky.

Gwyn I love your avatar! Our "rules" only apply to 10 people. Everyone else coming is family. Of the 10 people, everyone has been living together for over 2,3 years. One of his groomsmen (didn''t include him in the 5) is coming alone. He is a cosummate bachelor, and we agreed that he''d come alone. I agree even if etiquette gives me a pass on this, it still may not be the right thing.

ooh just wanted to add, our "rules" weren''t meant to limit anyone specifically. (her coming was never an issue before this week, because we agreed she wasn''t coming). We knew early on we wanted a small, intimate wedding with only those we knew and cherished. We thought about it, and realized it wouldn''t make sense to have our close friends bring dates we didn''t know. They would be amongst friends, and we figured they wouldn''t mind. Others before us already set this precedent, but had different cutoffs - engaged only, etc.

 

[clop]

Date: 7/16/2008 4:21:42 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 7/16/2008 4:05:41 PM

Author: clop


eta: oops I obviously have yet to figure out the quote system

LOL it took me awhile to figure it out.


Find the post you want to quote and click reply (each post will have a reply icon), when the page opens, click quote. Their quote will show up in the text box.

cool thanks I was trying to only quote parts of the text. I finagled it once before, but need practice!

 

[clop]

Date: 7/16/2008 3:59:13 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Aww I didn’t mean anything by the ETA LOL.


I feel for you, I really do. I also am with someone that has had friends since elementary/middle school and he’s 30 so these guys have been around for more than 20 years!! That said, in the 6 years we have been together I have seen many girls come and go…some I’ve adored, others I made sure the door did hit them on the way out. My boyfriend made it very clear to me that while he isn’t discounting the friendship I make with these girls it doesn’t compare to his 20 something year friendship with his guys. And while he never said the words out loud because frankly it’s an immature thing to say, I know that the loyalty will always be to his friends before it is to any of the girls that I meet.

Thanks for your post fieryred! it helps to see spelled out. I try to be as objective as possible, but can''t help it if I am biased in favor of my friends. The worst is when I don''t even realize it...What you said puts things in perspective.

Date: 7/16/2008 3:59:13 PM
That said, I don’t know how long you’ve been with your fiancé. Even if you’ve been with him for the 9 years that his friend was with his ex and you had 9 years of a friendship with her, it still doesn’t compare to the friendship he’s had with this guy since middle school. When it comes to loyalties, although not said out loud…it would be to the friend before it is to her. It sucks that the new girl was a homewrecker. Women like that don’t deserve to have friendships with great people like you…but that’s the woman he chose to be with and that should have no bearing on whether or not she gets invited. And I think its worth mentioning that not all relationships have this beautiful beginning (my boyfriend stole me away from his friend of 10 years), but that doesn’t mean that the persons involved are bad people (I’m not a bad person and neither is my bf)…so who knows, she may be someone that you can actually get along with if you give her a chance.

You are right again. I know no one is perfect - it''s horrible that my friend was unceremoniously dumped, but at the same time, not all relationships work out. I know the guy, apart from this incident, he is/was a nice decent person. She''s probably not the evil scheming witch, but it''s easy to paint her that way, because she is a complete stranger to me. I do apologize if I was petty, obtuse & judgmental, those little monsters tend to rear their ugly heads in the heat of a vent.

I will say I wish I was the completely rational, unbiased, "bigger" person, that didn''t need to vent here, that I could have just said, "sure of course she''s coming, she''s his girlfriend." Posting here has been infinitely helpful, I was able to rant and rave to get it out of my system, I''ve gotten support and encouragement and differing opinions nicely expressed to see other viewpoints, and help me remember the big picture.