How long to wait to use

[LeggoMyEggo]

Hi all, I''m new here and so excited to have found this forum!

I''m a 28 year-old social worker in New York City, dating a 40 year-old banker for 5 months now. We are both financially secure and he owns his own home. We have been in love much longer than the 5 months we''ve been together, but the age difference made us both very nervous about officially "dating." Eventually we decided that it was silly to turn our backs on such a wonderful gift, and we couldn''t be more in love. Neither of us has ever been happier in our entire lives.

He is divorced... his first marriage was when he was 30 and it lasted all of 8 months. It was one of those, "This is the right time in my life/career to get married" situations, and they were horribly matched. He takes marriage very seriously-- he''s extremely religious and suffered a great deal of guilt for a long time afterward-- but they both realized it was a mistake and got an anullment.

We have had many conversations about our relationship. He''s always saying how he never knew relationships could be this good, this healthy, this supportive. We are open and honest about everything, and it''s such a relief to have no secrets, no games. He talks openly about taking vacations together in the distant future, makes comments about things I''ll need to be prepared for when he''s 60, that sort of thing. A few weeks ago I made a passing, joking comment about how a friend could control his wardrobe and I''d take the rest of his life, and he turned all serious and said, "Good, I want the rest of it to be with you." He says he''ll love me for the rest of his life.

However, we haven''t used the "m" word. I know he wants to get married again because he''s told me so numerous times, before we were dating. He''s not marriage-phobic. So what''s the right timeframe to bring it up? We both want to have children, and well, he isn''t getting any younger (and neither am I, for that matter!). I''m amazed I''m even doing this without telling him, but I just want to make sure that when I bring it up, I do it the right way so he doesn''t think I''m nagging or pushing. How long should I wait to have a direct conversation about it?

Thanks for your help, ladies!

 

[Independent Gal]

You two are old enough and mature enough to know when you''ve found what you want. Talk about it as soon as you''re ready. I''d say wait another month, then say, "I want you to know that, if things continue the way they are going for another 6 months (or a year, or whatever you want), and our relationship and love continue to grow stronger, you are someone I would definitely consider marrying."

That way you''re not saying ''I WANNA MARRY YOU!'' and you''re not suggesting that things be rushed, but you''re telling him that you think about him in that way. How he responds should give you all the information you need.

Good luck! Glad you found the one for you!

 

[LeggoMyEggo]

Two things:

1. For some reason part of the title of this thread got cut off during posting. It should read, "How long to wait to use "m" word"

2. Right after I posted, my boyfriend called me because he wanted to tell me, "Margaret, I just want you to know you are the woman for me. I hope that won''t freak you out." Of course I told him nothing in the world has ever made me happier, and that he''s the only man for me, too.

My goodness, I don''t think I''m gonna have LIW syndrome if things stay this wonderful (which my intuition tells me they will)... but it would be nice to know whether "you''re the woman for me" translates into marriage in the near future or not.

 

[LeggoMyEggo]

Thanks Independent Gal! I really appreciate your suggestion, and I think it sounds good. I will wait until our 6 month anniversary has gone by, and then I will casually bring it up.

I''m just amazed sometimes by the speed of all this... is it weird to have known within the first month of dating that this was the man I wanted to marry?

 

[Independent Gal]

Nope. We knew within 2 months. And here we are, married, with a baby on the way.

Most of my married friend were the same. Within a 2 or 3 months, they just knew.

 

[Pandora II]

Nope, I knew pretty much straight away.

I''d kissed a number of frogs and I knew the prince when I found him.

Nearly 4 years on and less than 5 weeks away from our wedding my feelings have never waivered.