Kids at the wedding???

[Polar E Bear]

I know I''ve seen a lot of threads on the kids vs. no kids issue here before, and it has really helped reading about other people struggling through the same thing. For us, it''s become the hardest issue we''ve faced so far. I love reading all the advice here, and was hoping someone might have some suggestions for us.

FI has a really big extended family, including over a dozen infants and many more toddlers and children. Partly because of cost, but mostly because a large number of the parents have demonstrated again and again their unwillingness to control their children at family functions, we decided no kids at the wedding. FMIL especially endorsed this idea, as she has seen more than any of us the havoc these kids can wreak. FI has been very firm and very successful in enforcing this rule with his side. The problem is coming in on my side, on two particularly stubborn cases with babies that are less than one-year old. One mother is in my wedding party, and the other mother is a close family friend. Both are out-of-towners, and neither is willing to leave her baby with anyone. I really want the first mother to be in my wedding, and my mother has been telling me I have to accommodate the family friend (and I can''t completely discount my mother''s opinion, as she''s paying for a large portion of the wedding).

The best compromise I could come up with was that we''d have a separate room for the two babies at the venue, and we''d pay to hire a babysitter to be in that room. That way, the babies would be on site and the mothers could check in whenever they wanted, but still be present for at least parts of the wedding. The offer was not well-received. One mother seemed offended at having to "hide" her baby, and the other refused to leave her baby for any length of time and is leaning towards not coming at all. My mother is so upset that I won''t make an exception for her friend, she suggested to me that maybe it wasn''t too late to just elope and spare them all the trouble. I''m afraid my once-close relationship with my bridesmaid is being threatened. These two babies are causing us so much angst, part of me just wants to give up and allow kids after all. Another part of me imagines walking down the aisle surrounded by what looks and sounds like a noisy nursery school, and being miserable knowing I had my wedding hijacked. Just allowing the two babies on my side is obviously not an option, as it would cause endless (and justified) indignation on FI''s side.

It seems like an impossible situation. If we allow kids, it will definitely not be the wedding I want, and I think I''ll be unhappy looking out at the crowd. If we don''t allow any, it will put me on bad terms with my mother and a very close friend/bridesmaid, and I don''t want that at my wedding, either. How can two little babies be the one factor to stand in the way of my dream wedding? What should I do???

 

[Gwyn]

I completely understand your dilema. And I sympathize.

I do not want children at my wedding either. Personally I cannot belive the odacity of someone to think that you should have to accomodate their child. I mean, even a child''s meal where i am from is upwards in the way of $30 to $40. Show me a parent who will pay that for their child''s dinner (thought i am not sure they would charge you for a meal with a child less then 1)! Not to mention how rambunctious and nerve racking children can be at special events. I think you are perfectly within your rights to say no children. Those parents should be more understanding.

I do not think it is at all fair for you to let some people bring in children and not others. That could cause some serious issues with your guests who were told they could not bring their children. Your mother should be able to see this.

I think that your solution of having a room for the children and a babysitter is perfectly reasonable. If those that you invited cannot care enough to respect your wishes, then you probably do not want them there anyway.

 

[Pandora II]

It''s such a nightmare problem.

It seems likely that my venue will nix the creche idea I had and there isn''t a hotel in the town that is suitable so I am going with this:

Children invited:

The 5 Flowergirls - 12, 10, 8, 4, 4

Children of immediate siblings - my 4 year old niece who is one of the flowergirls, her brother who will be 20 months and FI''s niece who will be 18 months.

Children from overseas - the two brothers of 2 of the flowergirls (aged 3 and 6)

Babies under 2 years.

This at the worst will give me 6 babies, 2 small boys and the flowergirls.

Children under 2 will have to sit on their parents knees for the ceremony and reception and they will be asked to go outside if they so much as squeak during the ceremony or speeches (I have my brother and sister briefed to escort people out in the case of

). No highchairs or pushchairs are permitted due to the age of the building and English Heritage''s rules.

Add to that a sheer 50ft drop from the wall of the terrace where the drinks reception is held which means all children must be supervised by their parents at all times.

I am hoping that if I tell these groups of people that their kids are welcome subject to the following conditions then they will decide they''d rather not bring them at all!

 

[Polar E Bear]

Thanks for the sympathy and the advice! The cost does start to get pretty ridiculous. If we were to go with an open child policy, with the number of kids we would be expecting, the additional cost would be well over $1,000. And that''s with the kids'' meals being half price!

I like your idea, Pandora II...how can I make the rules inhospitable enough to discourage even the most determined parents??

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Polar E Bear, I can totally sympathize with your situation. I could give a long and thorough explanation, but in the end it comes down to this: sometimes you just have to politely yet firmly stand by your very reasonable boundaries and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[ericad]

Granted, my wedding was 10 years ago, but I put my foot down - no kiddos! Lucky for me I was young, so no one in my wedding party had kids yet, and my guest list was small (under 80 people) so even though some people made it clear that they were annoyed, they did still come, sans munchkins.

I for one would never subject my toddler to a wedding, nor would I subject the other guests to my toddler! It''s kind of selfish for people to insist on bringing babies or threatening not to participate in the wedding. What ever happened to just respecting the bride''s wishes???

And I say next time your mom suggests you elope, call her bluff and do it

Seriously, though, I think it''s very gracious of you to offer a babysitter on site to care for the babies. It''s far more than I would have done, so I hope you stick to your guns! Remember this is YOUR day and if you spin yourself in circles worrying about making EVERYONE happy, you will only end up making yourself miserable. As a new mommy myself (DD is 2) I would be very happy if you provided a good caregiver who would keep my kid engaged in age-appropriate activities while also allowing me to have fun and do what I need to do in my role as MOH, etc. The kids will be safer and happier that way too, IMHO.

Ok, enough preaching. I hope you''re able to reach a fair compromise with these mommies that satisfies everyone but most importantly, make you and your fiance happy!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

A good friend and I were just talking about this yesterday. She''s having no kids at the wedding and I''m having kids (all are nieces and nephews, so I''m happy to accommodate them). Her MOH has a 6 month old who my friend was hoping she could leave at home for the night. It''s not working out the way either expected.

I think that when it comes to kids, sometimes it''s a package deal, especially with newborns. I think it''s perfectly fine to put your foot down if it is important to you, but in many cases it means that the moms won''t be able to come.

I think it was very generous of you to offer to have a babysitter. And for children that young, a meal should not be included. Unfortunately if the mom just isn''t okay with the compromise, however, you might have to replace her in the wedding party.

Good luck! The kids issue is a sticky one! All of my sisters have kids, so no kids wasn''t an option for me, but I took it a step further and invited everybody''s dog as well. I figure if you can bring you kids, you should be able to bring your dogs, too.

 

[Cleopatra]

Polar Bear - We are in the same boat! The FI has an enormous family with parents unwilling to supervise their children and I KNOW will let them run a muck on our special day - That is why we''ve planted a firm "no children" law....No one, not even my godson will be allowed if they are under 18. We want adults only, and if you can''t abide by our wishes, we regret that you cannot attend our function....It is, after all, OUR special day....ok - i''m sounding like a freak now - sorry ha

The problem arose when we thought a "few" special kids (like my godson) in our lives could come, but that would cause havoc among the parents of the children un-invited, and would also not be any fun at all for the small amount of children who actually ARE invited. So, if you do a "no kids wedding" - you pretty much have to be 100% no kids (in order to not offend anyone) or just let kids attend. You cannot, IMO, allow some and not others.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

How do you clearly but appropriately state that children are not welcome at your event? And how do you handle the no children situation if you have children in the wedding party. I''m looking at 30+ kids (almost all under the age of 5) if I invite everyone and their children. Some of the people can''t afford to get a babysitter for the weekend or simply refuse to leave their children with a BS/inlaws etc. But I feel like if I allow even one child to be there, I have to allow them all.

 

[Cleopatra]

Well - I am having avery small ceremony, with just a few friends and immediate (parents,grandparents) family members. But a larger reception following the ceremony.

The ones invited to the ceremony will get an insert with the invitation to join us for the ceremony.

The invites that are about the reception are saying "Please join us for an Adults Only reception to celebrate the union of blah and blah..." If you get my point.

Or you can say at the end of the invitation "Adults Only Please"

 

[ericad]

We stated "Adults Only" on our invites as well.

 

[musey]

I''m late to this thread, but Polar, I just wanted to say that you SHOULD have the wedding you want--and if that means no kids, then that''s OKAY!

I''m happy to have kids at our wedding--but if there were more than 10 kids in question, I''d probably feel differently! None of our friends have kids, so the only guests under 10 will be cousins, and I''m happy to have them there. However, I didn''t think about how much cost it adds until your comment about the kids adding over $1000... we have eight kids under 10 who are invited, at $120/head--that''s $960

But that''s true of any other guest group that we don''t HAVE to have there in order to be happy, I suppose.

Anyway, you''ve gotten good advice already, I just wanted to second (or third, or fourth) support for your situation!! It''s always so tough, but don''t hesitate to pursue a solution that will give you the wedding of your dreams

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/13/2007 4:59:13 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
How do you clearly but appropriately state that children are not welcome at your event? And how do you handle the no children situation if you have children in the wedding party. I''m looking at 30+ kids (almost all under the age of 5) if I invite everyone and their children. Some of the people can''t afford to get a babysitter for the weekend or simply refuse to leave their children with a BS/inlaws etc. But I feel like if I allow even one child to be there, I have to allow them all.

I feel the same way. If I invite all my friend''s kids, family friend''s kids, and relatives (young sons and daughters of cousins), I''d easily have well over 30 kids. That adds so much more to our budget than we could do, so we have to draw the line somewhere. Here''s what our plan is:

We figure that anyone within an hour to a hour and a half drive can get a babysitter relatively easily. We don''t think they''d opt to stay overnight; for them, it''s just a day trip. We''re not so worried about these guests.

For out of town family, we''re going to invite their kids (my cousins'' kids, for example) because it would be much harder to leave them for a whole weekend. Also, this way, they can hopefully make a vacation out of their time in Maine (we''ll be on the coast). Plus, they''re family.

For out of town friends, we''re going to explain the situation and see if their family members would be able to watch their kids for the weekend (these friends all seem to live close to their parents). If this isn''t possible (or if it seems too rude to ask -- does it??), we''d rather have the kids come than not have our friends be able to make it.

The hotel we''re all staying at does provide child care, but we may ask two of my mom''s high school students to come up for the wedding day and babysit. We figured this might put people at ease instead of relying on a hotel employee (someone none of us know) to babysit. That way, our friends would be able to bring their kids and they''d have a babysitter during the wedding day but they can be there for the rest of the weekend.

I hate exclusing anyone but we can''t possibly feed that many kids, even if they charge less (which I''m not sure they''d do).

 

[mainemomof2]

I realize that you don't want your wedding to be full of children, but could you make an exception for children under one? Or possibly just these two children under one? How would you feel about that?
For me, kids make up half of our wedding list, and we are happy about that. Our values are based on family as a whole, which includes children. I have never been to a wedding with kids and I can't imagine it.
However, those are our wishes..not yours.
If you choose to have a kid free wedding, could you possibly make exceptions to out of town guests, or those in the wedding party? The situation you are in sounds tough. It is hard to make sure that your wedding day is what you want, while keeping everyone invited relativly happy.

Danielle

 

[ephemery1]

Ugh, Polar... I am SO sorry you are dealing with this..... I am forever shocked at how rude some guests are in these kinds of situations. There are events that are suitable for kids, and other events that are not.... would they bring their babies to the symphony? To a funeral? To a bar? No... not appropriate. So why would they think bringing them to somebody else''s wedding (unless specifically invited) IS appropriate?

Our wedding was "no kids" because we were making an adult commitment and celebrating it with an adult reception. The vast majority of our guests understood and even appreciated that. But DH''s cousin was insistent on bringing her kids, and emailed us regularly to see if we''d changed our minds.

Email conversations basically went like this:
Them: Oh the boys are almost 3 and almost 5, they''re VERY mature, they''ll behave perfectly, I promise.
Us: I''m sorry, it''s actually an adult reception... but we''d be happy to arrange private babysitting on site or in your hotel room, whichever you prefer!
Them: Oh that won''t work. The babies are barely 2 and 4... they''re much too young to be left with a babysitter.

Um, right.....

 

[ephemery1]

Also had to add: we were at my friend's wedding last month... a very nice wedding at the same hotel as ours was in May. They included all their young cousins/nieces/nephews in the guestlist, so there were close to 20 kids there. I adore kids and had a great time with them, but it made for SUCH a different feel from my wedding just 3 months before. There were children crying and yelling and laughing all through the ceremony, drinks and food being spilled during the cocktail hour, hardly anyone dancing because the parents were too busy chasing their kids around... and then half the crowd went home early.

It would have been a LOT of fun if it were a backyard BBQ or something more casual, but for an event that was intended to be formal and elegant and sacred, it just didn't feel quite right.

 

[KimberlyH]

Your solution of an onsite babysitter is more than reasonable. You should have frank discussions with both of the people/couples who want to bring their children and explain to them that while you understand their plight you simply cannot make their children the exception to the rule, to do so would cause an issue with your soon-to-be husband''s family and that is no way to start a marriage. Make it clear to them that it''s not about them, or their children, it''s a decision you and your FI have made because of the number of children that would have to be invited if any were asked to attend. Then be prepared to deal with your mom''s anger and your friend backing out of the wedding.

 

[D2B]

Hi
It is not easy for you or for the member of your wedding party with the child under one. Having been on both sides of the fence I can understand where you are both comming from. It is your right to have the wedding you want and dream of, but you can''t alter facts that a mum with a young child may not be able to leave it alone (breastfeeding/attachment issues or simply the mum feels the child is too young to be in the care of others), in which case she cant come. I am sure she feels terrible that she cant come, but it is her responsibllity to do best for her child.

So, stick with your dream wedding, just realise that individual circumstances may mean that some cannot come, they are not trying to be difficult, but being a mum of a baby under one, presents a whole lot of challenges inculduing what to do in these situations. There are no perfect solutions. It is awkward, but one of things that will happen when you or your friends have children. The main thing at the end is that you have your dream wedding, and that everyones friendships survive at the end.

 

[jcrow]

Date: 8/13/2007 8:22:47 PM
Author: mainemomof2
I realize that you don''t want your wedding to be full of children, but could you make an exception for children under one? Or possibly just these two children under one? How would you feel about that?

For me, kids make up half of our wedding list, and we are happy about that. Our values are based on family as a whole, which includes children. I have never been to a wedding with kids and I can''t imagine it.

However, those are our wishes..not yours.

If you choose to have a kid free wedding, could you possibly make exceptions to out of town guests, or those in the wedding party? The situation you are in sounds tough. It is hard to make sure that your wedding day is what you want, while keeping everyone invited relativly happy.
Danielle

in a way i don''t see how inviting JUST those 2 kids is possible. wouldn''t the other parents feel slighted? THEY weren''t allowed to bring there kids but these two are an exception?

 

[Jas12]

Polar e bear---what it comes down to is this: it is your wedding, you make the rules. period.

I had the same issue. We ultimately decided this:
1) we addressed the invites to parents only so guests knew it was adults only
2) Two exceptions were made b/c our wedding was out of town: 1 my hair dresser brought her 4-week old (she didn''t ask to, but a breast feeding baby can''t be left with a sitter so i told her to bring him along) 2--one of my groomsmen travelling from another country brought his 1-year old--again, not a situation where a child could be left behind.

No one complained (at least not to me) and i don''t care if they did.

If i were you i would make the exceptions as well. That way you satisfy a lot of people and I bet you won''t even notice the two babies!