3 years down, 9 days to go - Advice?

[basil]

After a 3 year separation, contained in which were an engagement and a wedding, my husband is finally moving here in just a little over one week! I''m so excited, and since I''ve lived on my own for seven years, I''ve done all that I wanted to do by myself and I''m so happy to finally have a companion to share things with.

However, I can''t deny a little apprehensiveness over a few things...his housekeeping ability, his video game playing, and his dislike of chickpeas and mushrooms - to name just a few. My place is the first place I ever owned, and I''ve lived here three years, and I don''t know how I''ll deal with all the extra "stuff" that''ll come next week. But we''ve got our ducks in a row otherwise - puppy planning and baby planning and retirement planning are all lining up.

My husband is a wonderful person...he''s kind, sweet, funny and adorable. He treats me like a queen and he''s my best friend in the world, plus he''s super smart and super motivated. But I''m worried about my own stubborness and inflexibility with dealing with the small stuff though. I am from a family where there was only ever one right way to do things (i.e. my grandmother''s way) and every other way was just wrong. And as I said, I''ve been on my own seven years, so habits are pretty well ingrained at this point.

I know I have to let go of "right" and "wrong" and relax about things. What''s a few broken wineglasses or carpet stains as compared to our relationship? But I know myself and I feel like I could end up lashing out over things, especially if there are outside stressors (like work).

So I''m looking for advice. Tell me about your experience moving in with your significant other...the good and the bad. Let me know how you adjusted and how you were able to accomodate your partner, especially if he/she moved into "your" space. Tips or tricks? Or will time sort it out?

 

[atroop711]

I won''t lie to you...the 1st yr was the hardest since it was all new to us (living together). He moved into an apt that I had bought. It took time to get used to but it was fine.

 

[decodelighted]

It is going to be humbling. There''s a lot to work out in terms of housekeeping expectations, meal planning, shopping, division of labor, petty annoyances, sharing the remote/stereo/fridge space etc.

The best thing I can tell you is A) not to take things personally. His doing thing differently isn''t an indictment of your grandma''s CLEARLY superior ways

. And B) pick your battles. Is it really important how the towels are folded? Or do you just want certain cutting board used for certain foods for *sanitary* purposes. One is a *preference* and one is a *must*. Yanno?

I''d also suggest that if mentioning grievances as you go gets too contentious, that you schedule a weekly meeting where you''ve each written down things you''d like to discuss. So you can think about the "picking the battles" thing & not just overreact everytime something is out of order or bugs you for some (possibly irrational) reason.

From someone who lived by myself until I was 37 -- the pros FAR outweigh the cons. Concentrate on the good stuff. Sleeping in his arms. Making breakfast together. The sweet moments of helping each other out unexpectedly. Decide early that your goal is a good, healthy relationship - rather than a "perfect" living environment. And then act accordingly.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

You''ll probably go through the usual adjustment period, but your excitement will far outweigh any of the petty stuff. Just always remember that just because it isn''t your way, don''t automatically make it the wrong way.

 

[Hera]

Lower your expectations. While you may wish that he will do 50% of the household chores, expect less. Expect that he will play video games a lot and you will fill your time with reading or doing something you enjoy. Praise him a lot when he does do the chores (remember Pavlov?).

Do not nag. I make it a point to not nag at him and in return I think my husband does more for me.

I can't help you with the chickpeas (I never knew anyone LOVED them

), but you can omit mushrooms from your dishes.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Ditto to the first year presenting, "challenges". Honeymoon phase tested to the max. Most of the theory is out the window but for:

1) choose your battles: don''t know who wrote it, but is intuivtive and logical. In a year or 5 you won''t remember wine stains or the missed laundry schedule, but will remember how someone made you feel over it.

2) hide each other''s car keys. Just trust me on this one.....

Enjoy each other!

cheers--Sharon

 

[Haven]

I felt similar apprehension when DH and I first moved in together (which was one month before our wedding--scandal!) because he had been living on his own for nearly two decades (read: extremely-set-in-his-ways,) and we had very different housekeeping habits. We had been dating for over four years before we married, but never lived together, so I was still nervous.

Now that we''re coming up on the one year mark, I can say that we have had a very easy time moving in together and living together, and it''s really been so much fun after waiting to do so for so long.

The key, for us at least, is communication. I definitely have to give my DH all of the credit for how rational and calm we are when we run into issues. He doesn''t take it personally when we have a disagreement about something, and his goal in confronting the issue is always to reach a solution. We have yet to yell at each other, or to get mad enough to stop speaking to each other or anything dramatic like that. We''re able to figure things out and begin working on them pretty quickly once we recognize that there''s something amiss, and I really think that DH''s very rational approach is the reason for this. I know it can be easy to get defensive or take things personally when your spouse is upset about something, but that''s so unproductive.

Enjoy this time together! I really can say that it is really special to finally live together, and I hope you two enjoy your first year as much as DH and I have enjoyed ours.

 

[Mrs]

How exciting Basil! I''m thrilled for you and hope you enjoy cohabiting as much as my Dh and I do. Reading your thread made me get up from my chair and give him a big squeeze and say thank you for being here with me.

The hardest part for us was house cleaning since our definitions of clean vary dramatically! We finally ended up throwing money at the problem and have someone come help us clean every few weeks. This is a huge luxury (and he didn''t want to pay for it at first) but it is well worth it since we no longer fight about it. Even though the place gets cleaned regularly, I STILL wont use our master bathroom since he''s such a slob in there (dirty clothes all over the floor, facial hair in the sink, etc..) So I would recommend that you consider all of your options when you do argue and try to find a compromise whenever possible.

Good luck and enjoy! Congrats!

 

[KimberlyH]

When we were married and moved in together DH had lived on his own for 20 years, I had been on my own for 3 or so. I thought he was going to struggle, it was me who ended up in turmoil. We set a rule: If you don''t like the way I do something, do it yourself; no complaining about it. That works really well. Household duties sorta divided themself (he does most of the work, lucky me!). We share cooking, because we both enjoy it; we don''t cook things we know the other person will detest. He has learned when to get outta my way (I go on cleaning binges, he does so once a week for an allotted time and whatever doesn''t get done is left until the following week). We designated a space for ourselves that the other is not allowed to intrude on (if my office is a disaster it''s my problem and vice versa, if our home weren''t able to accomodate this it would be a corner, a desk, etc.). Personal time is a must. Home is the place where I am quiet (I enjoy doing solitary activities such as reading) he respects that, and I try very hard not to require too much of that time (I could be left alone from the time I walk in the door until the time I go to sleep and be perfectly content, he requires more interaction. Imagine!

). When he''s doing things that bother you, and remove yourself (go for a walk, read a book, etc.) if necessary.

I absolutely love living with my husband, but it was a difficult adjustemt. Don''t expect it to go perfectly but remember the good things that come from shared space.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 6/23/2009 8:13:40 PM
Author: decodelighted

From someone who lived by myself until I was 37 -- the pros FAR outweigh the cons. Concentrate on the good stuff. Sleeping in his arms. Making breakfast together. The sweet moments of helping each other out unexpectedly. Decide early that your goal is a good, healthy relationship - rather than a ''perfect'' living environment. And then act accordingly.

Amen. I also lived mostly alone until 37, and it was an adjustment to be sure. At times, when hub left the empty soda bottle on the counter for the umpteenth time, it was hard not read more into it (i.e. he KNOWS that bothers me, and he''s doing it to make a statement, etc.). Truth was he just didn''t realize he did it because he didn''t see it.....it didn''t bother him.

Once we figured out how to pick battles and how to laugh about little things, it got much easier.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I didn''t read the replies but my DH and I got married late in life and we can both be pretty stubborn at times and we do fine. I think if your DH is half as great as you say, you will be fine. Good luck and congratulations!

 

[D&T]

Date: 6/23/2009 8:32:28 PM
Author: heraanderson
Lower your expectations. While you may wish that he will do 50% of the household chores, expect less. Expect that he will play video games a lot and you will fill your time with reading or doing something you enjoy. Praise him a lot when he does do the chores (remember Pavlov?).

Do not nag. I make it a point to not nag at him and in return I think my husband does more for me.

hey this sounds like my relationship the first year...lol exactly!

 

[Dreamer_D]

My best advice is to hire a cleaning service.

The biggest issue for most women I know in their relationships is the division of household chores. For some reason -- perhaps June Cleaver

-- women are deemed by society to be in charge of cleaning and organizing the house. Even if you are a liberated career woman, you will tend to take over that role once you cohabit with a man, and he will perhaps unwittingly also expect you become a domestic goddess. Even if you are severly deranged and love cleaning, it is not fun to clean up after your spouse and pick up his socks. And even if he is very motivated to make you happy and do his part, he probably won''t do it regularly or without you asking him to do it. These traditional roles are very firmly entrenched in our bones, and men and women both fall into them so easily! But if you are an independent woman, this will irk you to no end and cause issues.

So do yourself and your partner a big favour and hire a cleaning person and just avoid all that hassel. Best thing we ever did! We have been living together for 4 years and have had a cleaning person the whole time.

Also, in the same vein as picking your battles, learn how to bite your tongue. In the best relationships, both partners will routinely bite their tongues to stop themselves from being critical or saying snippy things in the heat of the moment. If you don''t... well look at Jon and Kate Gosselin!

 

[natalina]

DH and I moved in together 4 years ago, got married last September (how''s that for a scandal, Haven

- hee). I am really particular about how things are done, and have been accused of being very "my way or the highway" throughout my life. So I was worried. Also, DH is very sensitive and our arguing styles don''t match up very well. He is a talk/yell-it-out NOW kind of person while I am "get out of my face and let me stew". More reason to worry!

I have to say, we have our little arguments, but I am amazed at how well everything has gone. Especially since I lived with my ex for 2 years and EVERYTHING he did drove me nuts. EVERYTHING. I was expecting to be the same rigid, inflexible me. But the crazy thing is, I have changed a lot. I really think it''s because with DH, the positives so far out weigh the "negatives" (and I put that in quotes because I don''t even think of them as negatives), that things just don''t bug me like they used to. He makes me laugh so much, and I love him so much, that the little things just kind of roll off, you know? I also have to say that actually being married has made that even better, too. It used to be that shoes left in the hallway, a wet towel on the bed-

. Now I just throw it where it goes and move on. I have to admit, I may have relaxed my everyday-expectations of myself a bit, too. Who cares if everything isnt 100% perfect if it means we can sit on the deck drinking margaritas and talking an extra hour? Makes for a bit more work when company comes because then I go back to wanting everything perfect, but oh well. I remember the first time my brother visited after DH and I had been living together a while, my mom told me he commented to her how DH really seems to have mellowed me out and "she was never like that with ex''s name here". I took it as a compliment because my brother always told me I just neeed to chill out and relax- that life is too short. I''m sure it will be fine.

Best of luck to you and your DH. Just remember what really matters. HOw exciting to finally be together after so long!