Seeing the ring BEFORE proposal?

[soxfan]

Please help me understand this. I see many posting pictures of their rings, and they are "tucked away" because there hasn't been a proposal yet. I don't understand how this works. I am NOT judging, I seriously am just wondering about it and why it's becoming more popular...

 

[msop04]

Please help me understand this. I see many posting pictures of their rings, and they are "tucked away" because there hasn't been a proposal yet. I don't understand how this works. I am NOT judging, I seriously am just wondering about it and why it's becoming more popular...

What is the question exactly?

 

[soxfan]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

 

[msop04]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

 

[blackprophet]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

The bolded part is the part you erred on. He's not buying it on the low. They are buying it together. I'f she knows all the details, then she'll know when its coming home. He's not showing the girl the ring before the proposal. She picked it out/got it made/designed it, so she already knows what it looks like. But they still want to be proposed to.

Its a matter of priorities I guess, getting exactly what you want, or getting a surprise proposal. For some people getting EXACTLY what they want is more important. For my FI getting the surprise was more important, so she REFUSED to be involved in the shopping. So when I proposed she was blown away. And she wouldn't have had it any other way.

But for some getting the exact ring they want and making sure that they love it is more important than taking the risk of leaving it to their boyfriend and getting something they don't love.

 

[msop04]

Another reason may be to put the GF's mind at ease that he has actually bought her a ring and will propose soon.

I knew a girl who kept mentioning to her BF as to when he would propose... he just avoided the subject. She became moody and questioned their relationship and wondered if he would ever commit... After dating for 4 years (she was 31) and no proposal, she made the very difficult decision to break up with him. This is the kicker -- He had the ring for almost 2 months (been looking for 6 more) and was waiting until they took their annual summer trip in another 6 or so weeks. He wanted to make sure the ring was "right" so if he needed to send it back for whatever reason he could still be safe to propose on the trip. She ended up taking him back, but it had caused unnecessary strain on their relationship. Needless to say, he knows that when she says she doesn't care for surprises on "important things," he takes it to heart!

My SIL didn't want to know anything. The only thing she mentioned (and not even to her FF) was that she liked rounds. She's all about surprises. She didn't even know where she was going on her honeymoon until they arrived at the airport.

I think it's just preference though...

 

[PintoBean]

It could be driven by the return policy. If someone had a special date in mind, but it's more than, say, 3 weeks away from receipt of the ring, it would be more pragmatic to take the ring out, examine it together to ensure that it is to both parties' satisfaction.

I'm a control freak - there would be no hiding the ring from me! Also, DH isn't very good at keeping secrets from me - he has a "tell" - a crooked smile.

 

[msop04]

It could be driven by the return policy. If someone had a special date in mind, but it's more than, say, 3 weeks away from receipt of the ring, it would be more pragmatic to take the ring out, examine it together to ensure that it is to both parties' satisfaction.
I'm a control freak - there would be no hiding the ring from me! Also, DH isn't very good at keeping secrets from me - he has a "tell" - a crooked smile.

This is a great point, PintoBean!

 

[msop04]

It could be driven by the return policy. If someone had a special date in mind, but it's more than, say, 3 weeks away from receipt of the ring, it would be more pragmatic to take the ring out, examine it together to ensure that it is to both parties' satisfaction.
I'm a control freak - there would be no hiding the ring from me! Also, DH isn't very good at keeping secrets from me - he has a "tell" - a crooked smile.

This is a great point, PintoBean!

 

[msop04]

Oops - double post.

 

[PintoBean]

Oops - double post.

Nah... msop04, you were JUST that enthusiastic about my response

 

[msop04]

The bolded part is the part you erred on. He's not buying it on the low. They are buying it together. I'f she knows all the details, then she'll know when its coming home. He's not showing the girl the ring before the proposal. She picked it out/got it made/designed it, so she already knows what it looks like. But they still want to be proposed to.

Its a matter of priorities I guess, getting exactly what you want, or getting a surprise proposal. For some people getting EXACTLY what they want is more important. For my FI getting the surprise was more important, so she REFUSED to be involved in the shopping. So when I proposed she was blown away. And she wouldn't have had it any other way.

But for some getting the exact ring they want and making sure that they love it is more important than taking the risk of leaving it to their boyfriend and getting something they don't love.

It's not always the GF's idea to be in the know... Some girls totally trust their BF's to pick it out. It's a lot of pressure on the guy to make such a big purchase, and sometimes a guy just wants to make sure his girl will like it (since she's the one who will be wearing it).

Regardless of the way it's done, the overall theme is that the guy wants his girl to be happy.

 

[msop04]

Oops - double post.

Nah... msop04, you were JUST that enthusiastic about my response

BUSTED!

 

[blackprophet]

The bolded part is the part you erred on. He's not buying it on the low. They are buying it together. I'f she knows all the details, then she'll know when its coming home. He's not showing the girl the ring before the proposal. She picked it out/got it made/designed it, so she already knows what it looks like. But they still want to be proposed to.

Its a matter of priorities I guess, getting exactly what you want, or getting a surprise proposal. For some people getting EXACTLY what they want is more important. For my FI getting the surprise was more important, so she REFUSED to be involved in the shopping. So when I proposed she was blown away. And she wouldn't have had it any other way.

But for some getting the exact ring they want and making sure that they love it is more important than taking the risk of leaving it to their boyfriend and getting something they don't love.

It's not always the GF's idea to be in the know... Some girls totally trust their BF's to pick it out. It's a lot of pressure on the guy to make such a big purchase, and sometimes a guy just wants to make sure his girl will like it (since she's the one who will be wearing it).

Regardless of the way it's done, the overall theme is that the guy wants his girl to be happy.

I didn't mean to imply it was always the girls idea. But it is her choice whether to be involved or not. And that is where the priorities come in.

In my case it was my idea to include her. I REALLY wanted her to chose exactly what she wanted. But she shut that down quick, fast, and in a hurry.

 

[msop04]

I didn't mean to imply it was always the girls idea. But it is her choice whether to be involved or not. And that is where the priorities come in.

In my case it was my idea to include her. I REALLY wanted her to chose exactly what she wanted. But she shut that down quick, fast, and in a hurry.

Oh, I didn't take it that way at all!! You did the right thing - what your GF wanted, of course!!!

 

[peacechick]

For me, my DH had a very specific time frame to propose in (super long distance relationship) so there was no surprise there, but I made him pick out the ring on his own so it would be a surprise. Of course it helped that I wasn't too picky aside from a few preferences.

On the flip side, my friend is super particular about the ring down to the details, so it's much better she's involved in the design/buying. But she still wants to be surprised by the proposal.

 

[rigisme]

I'm a guy.
I haven't proposed to my girlfriend yet...but, come on...she KNOWS it's coming!

A while back, I sat her down and we looked at rings "just for fun". I got a feel for what she liked, and, secretly bookmarked her favorite rings.

I'm going to be the one picking out the diamond...and it's still going to be a surprise because she doesn't know what ring she's getting (or when she's getting it)!

But I didn't want to make it a complete surprise in the dark, because, she's the one that has to (hopefully ) live with it on her finger for the rest of her life!

That's likely why some people know before the proposal.

 

[Lula]

I've never understood the appeal of the surprise proposal in this day and age when couples marry later, women have the right to vote, and most women are working women earning their own money at the time of the proposal. I think the "fake" surprise proposal, which involves the woman picking out the ring and then being "surprised" at a later date with the ring she picked out some weeks or months -- or years -- earlier is even sillier. What's wrong with both parties agreeing that they'd like to be married, picking out their rings together, and announcing the engagement to their families?

 

[Winks_Elf]

Lula, this is what my husband and I did. With what I do for a living, he was barely involved with the picking out of the diamond, lol.

 

[peacechick]

I fail to see what having the right to vote, getting married later and earning your own money has to do with surprises? The suggestion seems to be that people should do away with surprises, but what's wrong with them?

Now if you really wanna look at the old days, when women had no right to vote or work and marriages were arranged without their consent involved, and the wedding jewelry was haggled over by the two families... Now that was a real downer! Today, if you are lucky enough to have your cake and eat it the way you want it, I say more power to you.

 

[bcavitt]

Wasn't Dear Abby who recently suggested not buying the ring before the proposal because she might say "no"?? Personally, I proposed to my wife BEFORE we picked the ring out. Granted I was in college and it was 34 years ago, but still, why put the cart before the horse?

i know of a friend whose intended turned him down simply because the center stone wasn't large enough. But that's another thread.

 

[msop04]

Wasn't Dear Abby who recently suggested not buying the ring before the proposal because she might say "no"?? Personally, I proposed to my wife BEFORE we picked the ring out. Granted I was in college and it was 34 years ago, but still, why put the cart before the horse?

i know of a friend whose intended turned him down simply because the center stone wasn't large enough. But that's another thread.

Wowwwww...

 

[msop04]

I've never understood the appeal of the surprise proposal in this day and age when couples marry later, women have the right to vote, and most women are working women earning their own money at the time of the proposal. I think the "fake" surprise proposal, which involves the woman picking out the ring and then being "surprised" at a later date with the ring she picked out some weeks or months -- or years -- earlier is even sillier. What's wrong with both parties agreeing that they'd like to be married, picking out their rings together, and announcing the engagement to their families?

OMG, this is exactly what my husband did... he hadn't even seen my ering until right before he bought it!! I told him I didn't care about any kind of elaborate proposal, but I'm sure he wanted to try to do something special. I bugged the crap of him, but he wouldn't tell me when he was going to "officially" propose... When he announced that we'd be taking a trip to the coast, it was apparent. LOL I think he knew I was flipping out knowing that he had the ring.

What can I say?? I was 33 and past the point of caring about any sort of "surprise." HELLO??!! Tick-Tock... Luckily, I only had to wait about 3 weeks.

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

This kills me! That very good point is exactly why I don't want to be surprised, but want to give my guy the details on exactly what I want. I'm picky. I think it's better to tell him up front what you like than to have him buy something you don't like and either tell him and hurt his feelings, or wear something you don't love. No one wins in either of those situations. Although I do know that there are lots of ladies who don't have as strong of opinions as I do.

 

[soxfan]

I lived with my husband for 3 years- bought a house and 2 cars together and we even tried to get pregnant, so I have no problem with the engagement not being a "surprise" I just wondered kind of "how" others did the whole ring before the proposal thing.

 

[soxfan]

yeah, I am pretty selfish and narcissistic. I would HAVE to pick it out...

 

[HollyDolly]

I was given this choice too 'leave it to me and get a surprise or get exactly what you want with no surprises' I went for exactly what I wanted!!

The thing I don't understand (as I have never heard of it in the uk at all) is buying the ring, knowing about it, then keeping them waiting for months and months for a proposal. Ive also seen people saying on the LIW forum that they only want a short engagement so they are ok with waiting. I've got a friend who has been engaged for 2 years and her wedding isn't until summer 2015! Another who has her wedding booked for summer 2016. I'd be all about getting the ring on my finger, sod when the wedding might be!! I wouldn't be keen on waiting for the sake of having a short engagement.

 

[msop04]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

This kills me! That very good point is exactly why I don't want to be surprised, but want to give my guy the details on exactly what I want. I'm picky. I think it's better to tell him up front what you like than to have him buy something you don't like and either tell him and hurt his feelings, or wear something you don't love. No one wins in either of those situations. Although I do know that there are lots of ladies who don't have as strong of opinions as I do.

This exactly!! Guys will get their feelings hurt more easily than we think... Imagine if he'd spent a long time trying to read your mind and YOU. HATED. IT. This exact scenario happened to one of my HS girlfriends. He wanted to surprise her -- he succeeded.

She still wears the ring to this day (after almost 10 years of marriage), hating it, but afraid to hurt his feelings.

I am so, sooooo thankful that my DH didn't dare pick something out!!

 

[TracyBear]

For us, we tend to let the person to pick gifts for themselves because returns are a hassle. Regarding our rings, my man initially wanted to surprise me, but the details overwhelmed him so he ultimately turned the process over to me. I saw pictures of the finish product, but the actual ring was sent to him. When my man proposed, I was still surprise! I couldn't get a feel for the ring until I actually wore it. In the end, he was happy because he got to surprise me with something that he knew I'll like!

I've never understood the appeal of the surprise proposal in this day and age when couples marry later, women have the right to vote, and most women are working women earning their own money at the time of the proposal. I think the "fake" surprise proposal, which involves the woman picking out the ring and then being "surprised" at a later date with the ring she picked out some weeks or months -- or years -- earlier is even sillier. What's wrong with both parties agreeing that they'd like to be married, picking out their rings together, and announcing the engagement to their families?

Personally, I COMPLETELY agree with you. But alas, a marriage of two people means that I have to be considerate to his views. Us sitting down and planning everything out seems too calculating and unromantic. He wanted a whimsical touch of romance, an element of spontaneity.

 

[MaximusCruiser]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

Well... I sort of agree with the thread starter. Other than the surprise factor... even if the ring is not 100% what the lady would have chosen for herself, shouldn't there be any value for the fact that the ring was painstakingly (assuming) chosen by her husband to be?

Yes... buying it with your gf may help make sure it is exactly what she wants... but that becomes just making a purchase of anything really. I value the gift and surprise element... and of course... also the challenge knowing her well enough to pick a ring that will meet say 80% of her expectations or more. If that can be achieved, then her 100% satisfaction is overrated for me.

I told my gf upfront... that picking out a ring with her is something that will never happen between us. Haha.