conflicted

[fisherofmengirly]

Hey guys, I have a question, or not really a question. More like I would like some feedback.

As most of you know, we've been trying to have a baby for a long while now, and we have begun to dabble into thoughts of adoption. My husband and I are both professionals, but are definitely *not* in our professions for the income. We have our own home & our only debt is our mortgage. We save pretty well and I am a very frugal person. We've been saving for the baby for 4 years. I'm proud of this, as it is one of the only ways I'm able to express my maternal instinct to nurture & care for the child we love but don't yet have.

Okay, we just celebrated our 5th anniversary this past week. From the time we married, we said we would get me a bling for celebration & memory of the milestone. We have set aside a moderate amount for this, and all along it had been set aside for this purpose. And when I say moderate, by PS standards, it is *extremely* moderate. But I don't have fancy tastes and I'm sure we can find something lovely with this amount.

Here's my confliction: I keep thinking how this extra 1k could go towards the baby, towards adoption, towards our family growing. I feel like I'm putting my wants before my baby's needs. We have saved a LOT more than the ring fund for our baby, and Paul says it's silly for me to feel like we can't get a ring right now, because we have planned for our family. If we do end up going the route of adoption, I'm going to make quilts and sell them to help with the cost involved, as we would like some of what we've saved to be in an account for the baby.

So, am I being ridiculous to think that it's frivilous for me to get a ring right now? Is it *normal* for a mom-to-be (to-be) to feel bad about getting anything nice for an important landmark in their marriage? Would you find it odd for someone to get a ring and then months later, have them asking if anyone would like to order a quilt to assist with funding an adoption?

I think this confliction is part of why more than a month of looking hasn't resulted in finding the exact right ring.

This is a stupid *conflict* to have. Argh.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Oh, we have also talked about increasing the budget by $500. This is when the conflict really set in.

I love my kid more than a diamond memory of 5 wonderful years with my hubs. But I can't magically make our child appear by clinging onto all the $ I can, either...

 

[Enerchi]

You sound very practical and responsible! You are well prepared for your future child and doesn't sound like it would be out of chapter to continue to remain practical once your baby arrives.

Five years of marriage is a milestone well worth celebrating!!!! Take the $1000 and splurge on the marriage. It will always be there to remind you of your love and commitment to each other and your future together as a family.

Enjoy! I'm excited to learn what you choose!

 

[amc80]

Would you find it odd for someone to get a ring and then months later, have them asking if anyone would like to order a quilt to assist with funding an adoption?

By all means, get your ring! The money is set aside and you've been specifically saving for it. What if instead of saving that $1k over 5 years you had gotten something around $200 for each of the 5 years? You wouldn't be thinking about those purchases and wondering if you should have saved that money for the baby. You ARE saving money for the baby. This money has already been earmarked for YOU. It's not like you're taking money out of the baby fund to buy it.

And honestly, if I knew you in person, several months down the road I wouldn't even think about your ring. I'd happily buy the quilt and wish you the best.

 

[Skippy123]

I think you deserve something; you are saving for the baby and when the baby comes it is hard to buy stuff for oneself so get your ring.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

FIsher, I have/am having a similar conflict. I just got a new job and bought a lovely set of pearls to celebrate: the new job, the exit from my previous toxic work situation, the adoption of our son, my DH finally getting some of the classes he needs to start his career change into medicine (after more than a year of being unemployed and three years of talking about taking classes), and us surviving the adoption process and the crucible of the first few months of becoming a family.

As excited as I was to research and purchase the pearls, I almost didn't get them b/c I thought "we could use this for our next adoption (which is in the early stages of being considered right now)" or for the myriad of tuition bills we are about to have to pay or to sponsor another child after seeing abject poverty up close in Ethiopia or to help another family with their adoption or to tithe or for much needed Pilates classes to combat my post-holiday chub...the biggest hang-ups for me were that we are not yet tithing at the level that we want to and believe we should be and that people had helped us financially last summer with our adoption, particularly as I had to take all unpaid leave (3 months in Africa) and DH wasn't working...and now, here I was 7 months later buying pearls . We didn't fundraise for our adoption per se but we did have a tag sale and let our friends and families know that, while we weren't asking for assistance, if anyone felt led to help us with these expenses that we would not be offended, nor would we turn them down Interestingly enough, the majority of people who gave us money were friends, not family!

Truthfully, I am not sure if I made the right decision, but I did purchase the pearls (they should arrive next week, a 7.5-8mm set of Freshadamas from Pearl Paradise ). I normally think carefully about where our money goes, but this purchase made me think even more carefully and, as much as I love bling, I think it will be my last big purchase (big for me, small for PS standards ) for quite sometime.

I think that it is ok to celebrate and to made large purchases on occasion, but I also think it's important to submit yourself to self-reflection and seeing if that's really where you want to put your money right now. For me, I think this is my threshold right now (unless I see an amazing OEC or OMC that is 6mm or bigger for less than $1000, for that I will liquidate some savings )

As far as adoption funding is concerned, I would not have any issue with someone selling quilts to raise money for adoption a few months after purchasing a ring. A-I wouldn't even probably notice B-they aren't asking for money, they are just selling something of value they made to earn some extra money and C-just because you are adopting or becoming a parent, doesn't mean that you can no longer spend money on things for yourself, it just means that you have more options to consider when deciding how to spend your money.

but...I totally understand the conflict!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Thanks for your posts, girls. I'm being silly, I know. I'm still looking (and am so thankful for the help I've gotten from some of the PSers on the *other* site). I feel like when it's the right ring, I will jump. I actually tried to *win* one through bids, so I guess I'm not feeling too conflicted about it after all.

Bella, I feel like we are so similar in some ways. Thank you for chiming in-- at least now I don't feel like the only crazy out there for thinking of turning down a pretty piece.

I don't know if I would have been able to purchase anything for myself, either, in your situation. But I'm glad you did. My husband tells me often that I need to be more able to treat myself. A good first step is a sparkly, I suppose.

I am excited about, and we have enjoyed looking around at options, I just wish I didn't feel conflicted.

I'm betting once I get it & wear it, my concerns will dissipate.

You know, I don't plan on going around showing off my ring, so I bet most people won't even notice. That's a good point! Thanks!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Fisher, what about doing some form of delayed gratification? I know you said you have a lot more saved up for your baby, but would it make you feel better if you set aside the $1k and either ONLY use it for adoption costs (or other baby-related costs) if absolutely needed, b/c unexpected costs can certainly pop up or wait until you have a baby and use it to buy something to commemorate the new child? The downside is that it wouldn't really be anniversary-related, per se, but it could help assuage your guilt.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Fisher, your sound very financially responsible (you wouldn't be conflicted about this if you weren't). For what it's worth, I think you deserve to get a ring after saving and planning for five years! It is not an impulsive buy, and it sounds like it is not an either/or situation between a ring and an adoption. Five years of marriage is definitely something to celebrate! Congrats!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Fisher, I can definitely understand your practical side. I am very similar to you--always putting what's practical in front of any type of splurge. Even when we've saved for the splurge and it has very little financial impact on us. Sometimes I even get frustrated with myself for not letting go more.

Like PPs have said--5 years of marriage is something to celebrate! A ring to commemorate your marriage would be lovely. And one day, you could even give it to your future child. I know how long this journey has been for you (I used to lurk on the TTC board back when you used to post there) and I just really want for you to have something "happy" to represent the past five years of your marriage.

 

[Pandora II]

I think 5 years of marriage is well worth celebrating and that you should treat yourself to something nice!

FWIW, I've seen your quilts and they are so beautiful that it wouldn't even cross my mind to think about what you had/hadn't spent money on recently. I very much doubt that anyone will buy one out of a sense of obligation!

 

[Puppmom]

IMO, $1k will not make or break an adoption. Treat yourself. Five years is something to celebrate. YOU DESERVE IT!

I had a similar conflict after DS was born. DH wanted to buy me a ring identical to my wedding band to celebrate our anniversary and the birth of our son. I was on maternity leave and had just hit the unpaid portion. We are generally careful with money so I went for it knowing that money wouldn't make or break our budget. No regrets here!

 

[phoenixgirl]

I think that saving responsibly towards certain goals, giving your wife a special gift to mark 5 years of a happy marriage and many more to come, and saying that, yes, you do deserve to be honored with something nice (if you can afford it, which you can) are all wonderful lessons to teach your future children. Sometimes it's hard to allow others to give to us, but I know your husband wants to do this. It doesn't have to be an either/or . . . future baby or anniversary memento. You are being responsible in both regards.

 

[Echidna]

I think 5 years of marriage is well worth celebrating and that you should treat yourself to something nice!

FWIW, I've seen your quilts and they are so beautiful that it wouldn't even cross my mind to think about what you had/hadn't spent money on recently. I very much doubt that anyone will buy one out of a sense of obligation!

I agree with Pandora- 5 years of marriage is well worth celebrating. From another perspective, if your wonderful husband would like to give you a gift then you should feel free to accept it with the same love in which it was given (no guilt!). What you both buy is none of anyone else's business.

On a different tangent, where can I see one of your quilts, Fisher? Quilting is such a talent and I'd love to see yours

 

[packrat]

I think you should treat yourself. Five years is a great accomplishment, and once the baby comes, you'll find every reason under the sun to *not* spend money on yourself but rather on the baby or your husband. I felt guilty spending $10 getting my brows waxed if something special came up and I didn't want to look furry of brow. Once that feeling starts it's SO hard to tamp it down and realize you ARE worth it and you DO deserve it..so treat yourself now.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I'm still looking for the right ring. When we find it, I'm thinking it will be something I'm comfortable with getting.

Lots of good points; I'm glad I'm not the only one who has a hard time buying things for myself.

If we would just go ahead & get pregnant, I would feel *much* better about getting it-- that would solve the adoption $ conflict.

Still, enjoying the search. It's been a long time since I've looked for sparklies!

 

[partgypsy]

I totally identify with you. I did go through a 5 year period when I joined pricescope of basically spending around 1K a year on gems or jewelry. I felt OK at the time doing that because I had gone through a traumatic work situation and was in retrospect doing some retail therapy. But since the last big purchase a few years ago (my diamond earrings) I got it out of my system. Other (primarily family) priorities came first, and haven't missed it.

However now I've come across this situation that I really want to plan this trip, probably just myself. I am feeling alot of ambivalence about it, because it a) involves a considerable sum of money (2-3K) and b) I would be doing it without my family. One solution would to bring the entire family, but then I think, for that amount of money (10-12K) I don't know if I can spend that much on a trip, and really should be used for more practical uses like saving for our next car, or to save for the kid's college.

Although I don't think of myself as a traditional female, I think it is really engrained in us not to be "selfish" i.e. put ourselves first. I don't think guys have quite the same programming, where I remember my Dad buying cars for himself that would be more than my Mom would spend on herself in 10 years. She never put herself first (always postponed purchases for herself) and I'm not sure that completely healthy.

Anyways I don't have a real answer for it. Don't get it if the guilt will detract from you enjoying it. But if the money has been saved for it and you can get over the mental block and enjoy it for what it is, get it.

 

[Bliss]

You are am amazing mother-to-be. You and your DH have been through so much together these last few years planning for your baby. And here you are, stronger than ever. Celebrating this is important. A happy Mama means a happy bebe and Daddy, too. As long as you are saving and being responsible, 1k or so is not going to make or break anything. I think you should definitely go for it without any reservations! And I cannot wait to see these quilts!

Also, what a beautiful heirloom this will be for your child one day. A happy marriage is the most important thing for a child to see growing up and you should definitely celebrate this milestone. Life can be complicated sometimes and celebrating the important things is what makes this journey so beautiful. From the bottom of my heart: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Honey, with kids there is always something more practical and responsible to spend money on, no matter if it comes to conception, adoption, birth, and beyond. Life as a mom means always putting yourself second... or third or fourth I think sometimes you need to give yourself permission to celebrate. And I think celebrating your fifth anniversary is something you should do unabashedly, *especially* given the tough times you have faced together in the last few years! Celebrate today, you never know what tomorrow will bring.

It is our fifth anniversary too this year

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I'm still looking for the right ring. When we find it, I'm thinking it will be something I'm comfortable with getting.

Lots of good points; I'm glad I'm not the only one who has a hard time buying things for myself.

If we would just go ahead & get pregnant, I would feel *much* better about getting it-- that would solve the adoption $ conflict.

Still, enjoying the search. It's been a long time since I've looked for sparklies!

:coughcoughcough: Seems like you have some bling AND a babe on the horizon!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

It's funny I posted that, isn't it?

I told Paul when we first started looking that I sure would love it if that 3 stone carried a double meaning: Past, Present, Future *and* baby makes three.

I think my conflicted feelings are coming to a rest.

***
My quilts- I've never posted them here, but I have several on my FB account. They're nothing special; I'm still learning. But I do love pairing colors together! That's the best!

 

[Skippy123]

It's funny I posted that, isn't it?

I told Paul when we first started looking that I sure would love it if that 3 stone carried a double meaning: Past, Present, Future *and* baby makes three.

I think my conflicted feelings are coming to a rest. :bigsmile:

***
My quilts- I've never posted them here, but I have several on my FB account. They're nothing special; I'm still learning. But I do love pairing colors together! That's the best!

GOOD!

 

[amc80]

It's funny I posted that, isn't it?

I told Paul when we first started looking that I sure would love it if that 3 stone carried a double meaning: Past, Present, Future *and* baby makes three.

I think my conflicted feelings are coming to a rest.

***
My quilts- I've never posted them here, but I have several on my FB account. They're nothing special; I'm still learning. But I do love pairing colors together! That's the best!

Congrats to you!! Will you be joining us over in the JBP thread? Also, I'd love to see your quilts!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

If I could find a way to post pictures from my smartphone, I sure would post some of them for you to see, AMC.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

FISHER!!!!! I am SO happy and excited for you!!!!

 

[rosetta]

Buy them. You aren't being irresponsible by doing so, so why not?

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Diamondseeker!!

Thank you! I'm *soooo* thankful & happy & nervous all rolled into one very, very emotional me right now.

God sure is *good!*

 

[onedrop]

Fisher: Just wanted to tell you and Paul congratulations!!! I guess there really is a *time* for everything in life.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Diamondseeker!!

Thank you! I'm *soooo* thankful & happy & nervous all rolled into one very, very emotional me right now.

God sure is *good!*

Absolutely!!!! I'll be praying for you!