when to start dating again?

[beadchick]

So, I guess after the disintegration of what would have been my wedding and marriage after the in-laws showed up in May, I am now single. (If you want to see the thread, look at my postings in BWW.) I'm actually managing pretty well, things weren't so great the first month, but the fiance and his family disappeared soon after and I will say, when they continue to act like a jerk, it makes it much easier to see how much better off I actually am.

The weird thing is, in my social circle, people are lately wanting to get me dating again or fix me up with someone or tell me I should start dating on-line again. Its only been two months! I have adjusted to life without him definitely. But, the bitterness that you feel when something like that happens is still there. I told myself a while ago that dating any sooner than 6 months after the fact is just too soon.

What do you all think? My closest friends of course, agree with me. But, why are people trying to set me up so soon? It just seems like any kind of relationship I end up in right now would become messy.

What is a reasonable time to wait before you put yourself out there again?

 

[Nashville]

Whenever you truly feel you are ready to leave the past behind, completely close the door on your past relationships, and involve yourself in love again. There is no set time in which you "should" be ready to do this, only you know when that will feel right. I'm a big fan of taking time to heal. There's nothing wrong with being single and living life for yourself for awhile. Be selfish, it's healthy sometimes.

 

[Callisto]

Don't let people pressure you into dating again, start whenever you feel secure enough with yourself to bring another person into your life. I do worry when some people get out of serious relationships and start dating right away just to fill the void, definitely not a good situation. However, I also do believe that one of the best ways to get over someone is to start dating other people. You seem like you're doing really great considering the circumstances. Give it another month or two and see how you feel, if you're anxious to get out and meet new people then start dating, if not reevaluate in a another month.

I wouldn't worry too much about your 6 month deadline though, if you meet someone during that time period that you connect with, don't say no to a date just because of a self-imposed deadline, deal with each day and week as it happens.

 

[Tuckins1]

I remember your hellish experience with your ex in-laws... Sounds like you made the right decision in breaking it off, but what a blow!! I think you should take as much time as you need to be able to enjoy the company of another man again... Some might have been ready right away, some might need more time to recover from that situation. Keep your chin up!

 

[decodelighted]

See when you *feel* ready. The chances of developing a *relationship* with the next man you *date* are pretty low (though it does happen!) You might start wanting to explore your new options a bit sooner than 6 months, or maybe even later than that. Its a personal choice & different for everyone.

Good to hear that you're doing so well though! That ANGER stage is awesome/healing, right?!

 

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to +1 for the "when YOU are ready" comments. If you feel like it's too soon, it probably is. I'm not sure that you need to put a hard and fast "x months and that's it" on it, just pay attention to how you feel. Far too many people just rush headlong into the next relationship before cleaning up the emotional mess of their previous one. I commend you for taking the time to reflect and heal so you'll be a healthy, whole person when you DO get back into dating.

 

[HappyNewLife]

I wouldn't put so much pressure on yourself about this. You will know when you're ready, and until then, I'd just kindly thank those who want to set you up but say that you're just not ready yet. I would take a more "when it happens, it happens" approach-- you have had enough stress in the past couple months already!

 

[amc80]

I agree with what everyone else has said. You'll know when you're ready.

When my ex broke up with me, he tried to get me to date right away (I guess he was trying to make himself feel better). As in two days after we broke up, he was telling me that I need to go out and have fun and start dating. Two days after an almost three year relationship! Ridiculous. I did start dating about a month later and it was WAY too soon. It honestly took a solid six months to get really move on.

 

[kagordo4]

I'm still really sorry about what happened. You seem like an awesome person, and you will be better off in the end (if not now).

I think 6 months seems like a fair idea. You need the chance to completely adjust to the single life style again. Take yor time. If in a month you're ready then try it, if you aren't ready for 10 months, it's your life, live if the way you see fit!

Big Hugs sent your way.

 

[beadchick]

Thanks everybody for the thoughts and support. The weird thing is, I don't miss him that much. Like I said, when he continues to do things that show how much he doesn't respect me or my family, it makes it easier. He also just recently lost his job and is likely going to be in pretty big financial trouble. So, when I look at it that way: I could have been a newlywed with an unemployed husband taking care of two inlaws who hate me, it becomes A LOT easier to realize that I'm in a better situation.

I've always been pretty independent/resilient, he used to travel for work, so I don't really miss him. I just worry that I'm going to carry over into the future the disappointment and lack of trust that has grown. I still don't understand why people I know think I need to get back into dating again right now, I think there needs to be adjustment time. To have a marriage break off, I think its a big deal. Its not like the usual break-up.

Maybe people are afraid I'm going to never get out there again or something. LOL!

 

[Mashira]

I agree with everyone else in that you wait until you are ready. There is no 'magic time' that you should start dating. When I say 'until you are ready' that means emotionally and mentally. If you are emotionally ready (meaning your feelings for him are gone) but you are not mentally ready (meaning you are still thinking... should I give it another few months?) then wait until you are in agreement with yourself.

My engagement broke up in Dec of 2008. My engagement was over a good six months before we actually called it quits. I met my FF through my ex FI. FF and I started 'courting' in Feb of 09 (two months later) and are going to be engaged in Sep of this year. Many of my friends thought he was a rebound, and that I should have waited longer. Others think that I should date BF longer before we get engaged because I had dated ex-FI for three years. I didn't think so, and so I didn't wait to date him, and I will not delay in being married to him because I know I love him. You know yourself better than anyone, and you will know when you are ready, everyone else be damned!

I'm glad to hear you are taking it as well as possible! ((HUGS))

 

[oddoneout]

I agree with waiting till you're comfortable and 'if it happens, it happens'. Like others have said you don't need to be so strict with your timeline either. I'm glad you are handling things so well.

 

[MissDimity]

Hi Beadchick,
I am also an ex BWW member, my ex-fiance broke up 4 days before our wedding ( meant to get married in February this year). I met someone straight-away, which I think was maybe in retrospect not the best thing to do, however 6 months on and I am still going strong with him so who knows ( fingers crossed he is the one).
Various people I have spoken to say that there is an unwritten rule that it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them i.e. if you were with him for 3 years, it should take 1.5 years.. don't know how true it is, but others who have been in long term relationships agree with it.
I agree with the others, I think when the time is right you will know.

 

[nicoleben]

I was in an on and off relationship for a good 9 years. In my mind I truly and honestly thought he was "the one", even though I was being treated like dirt, along with my family. He didn't respect me, always stated he would never get married and yaddi yaddi ya. I finally had enough about 2 years ago. I enjoyed my life afterward, hung out with my girlfriends, focused on my education. I did me! It was the best thing I EVER did for myself. I found out who I really was, and laughed at how ridiculous my life was when I was with him. Don't get me wrong, I cried like a baby for months, felt sorry for myself, then a spark went off in my head, especially when he continued to mentally abuse me even after we had broken up!

Long story short.. I was out with my girlfriends having great time about 6 months after the break-up, and a very special someone walked into my life when I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't looking. And we clicked!.. The rest is history. It has been a year and he is everything I ever wanted out of someone. He is sweet, caring, and sometimes even a little sensitive (I love that side of him, it shows he has feelings too!) My family loves him, his family loves me, everything is lovely! We have our days, but that's natural! We live together, and are getting engaged by the end of September!

As others have said, there is no set time! It is when you feel comfortable, and usually it comes when you least expect it!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

When I left my relationship and moved away, my sister was constantly trying to set up dates for me. I kept telling her I wasn't ready, but she was convinced it was the best way for me to have some fun and boost my trodden-on self esteem.

But that's because that's what worked for her, not what worked for me.

Everybody told me to wait until I was ready to date, but I didn't know how to measure whether or not I was ready. Eventually I decided that when I was at the point where I could go out on a date and not compare the new guy to my then-ex, that would be "ready" for me. I didn't want to spend the date thinking "He's nicer to the waitress than my ex", "He chews with his mouth full, my ex never did that", etc. It wouldn't be fair to my date, ultimately.

I'd also heard that you have to give yourself a month for every year of your relationship, which I thought would be fairly accurate for me. At three months I wasn't there, but I thought that at the 6-7 month mark, I thought I would be. I don't really know because I didn't make it that far.

I had a good friend who left her boyfriend the same day I met mine and met her now-husband within weeks. She was by no means looking, but they clicked and that was that. She didn't expect to be "ready" to date for months, but fate intervened.