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Anyone here NOT having kids?

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DMBFiredancer

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With all the baby posts, I thought I''d try to see if anyone here is like me - not having kids by choice.

I always joked that my biological clock just didn''t come with batteries, since I never "felt" the need to have kids.

I don''t get excited one bit when I see a baby - I actually get more excited if the mom also happens to be walking a cute dog -now THAT makes me smile!

But don''t get me wrong, I do like children - I work with first graders all school year as a teacher, and feel that I get any "motherly instincts" fulfilled during that time.

Just wondering if anyone else is in my boat.
And if you are, have you always felt this way? Did something make you change your mind as you got older?
Have you ever gotten preached with the "Are you crazy? How can you NOT have kids?" speech?

Just curious if I am alone here!
 

AsscherNut

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I feel the same way DMD!

I don''t feel the instincts come on when I see other children, in fact, I want to run the other way! Don''t get my wrong, they are precious-but they are not for everyone. When I tell people that, they look at me like I''m from outer space. Especially since I come from an Asian background and the "norm" is to get married and become a baby making machine. My FI and I will be happy if it doesn''t happen and happy if it does....but we''re not giving into the pressures of our families and friends. I hate to sound selfish, but there is so much of the world to see out there! FI and I love to travel and we don''t want to wait until we are in our 50''s or 60''s to see and do certain things.
 

AsscherNut

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Oh btw, I''m marrying a white guy....if I were to marry another Asian-I would probably be forced to bare children one way or another!
 

Erinleigh

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Date: 8/18/2009 11:55:04 PM
Author:DMBFiredancer

I don''t get excited one bit when I see a baby - I actually get more excited if the mom also happens to be walking a cute dog -now THAT makes me smile!
+1!! haha I never get mushy over a baby, but show me a dog and I''m smitten, lol!
FF and I have never wanted children. We''ve both decided that focusing on our careers and relationships are what we want to put our effort into, so you''re totally not alone in not wanting kids!

As far as responses I''ve gotten when I answer that I don''t want children I usually get ''oh, you''ll change your mind.''- which I find extremely irritating! For some reason some people just can''t be supportive of our decision and subsequently go on to telling us how we have to have kids and it''s what everyone does. I''ve actually been yelled at once over my decision by a coworker. They just couldn''t wrap their head around why I didn''t want the same life they had... It was too weird.
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Alienor

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Date: 8/19/2009 12:37:13 PM
Author: Erinleigh
Date: 8/18/2009 11:55:04 PM

Author:DMBFiredancer


I don''t get excited one bit when I see a baby - I actually get more excited if the mom also happens to be walking a cute dog -now THAT makes me smile!

+1!! haha I never get mushy over a baby, but show me a dog and I''m smitten, lol!

FF and I have never wanted children. We''ve both decided that focusing on our careers and relationships are what we want to put our effort into, so you''re totally not alone in not wanting kids!


As far as responses I''ve gotten when I answer that I don''t want children I usually get ''oh, you''ll change your mind.''- which I find extremely irritating! For some reason some people just can''t be supportive of our decision and subsequently go on to telling us how we have to have kids and it''s what everyone does. I''ve actually been yelled at once over my decision by a coworker. They just couldn''t wrap their head around why I didn''t want the same life they had... It was too weird.
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I hate the comment "oh, you''ll change your mind"! It is like not wanting kids is abnormal. I love my hubby and enjoy spending time with him. We don''t earn much money for now and we''d rather spend our disposal income towards traveling than diapers. I want freedom. I respect people for having kids but that is not for us. We do have a deadline for when hubby will go snip-snip, just in case we change our mind coz we are still relatively young. But I highly doubt it will happen. Our cat is our baby! :)
 

DMBFiredancer

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Date: 8/19/2009 12:37:13 PM
Author: Erinleigh
Date: 8/18/2009 11:55:04 PM

Author:DMBFiredancer


I don''t get excited one bit when I see a baby - I actually get more excited if the mom also happens to be walking a cute dog -now THAT makes me smile!

+1!! haha I never get mushy over a baby, but show me a dog and I''m smitten, lol!

FF and I have never wanted children. We''ve both decided that focusing on our careers and relationships are what we want to put our effort into, so you''re totally not alone in not wanting kids!


As far as responses I''ve gotten when I answer that I don''t want children I usually get ''oh, you''ll change your mind.''- which I find extremely irritating! For some reason some people just can''t be supportive of our decision and subsequently go on to telling us how we have to have kids and it''s what everyone does. I''ve actually been yelled at once over my decision by a coworker. They just couldn''t wrap their head around why I didn''t want the same life they had... It was too weird.
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Oh, I get that so much!!!! ''You''ll change your mind'' or "Its so different when you have your own"

I''m sorry, but to be very blunt...it just does not look like fun to me. For some reason that is so taboo for people to hear - they immediately think there is something wrong with me - I can always tell by that look they have on their faces. (You know the look if you''ve been in my position)

Its funny that you were yelled at by a coworker because I was lectured by a coworker as well. Especially being a teacher of young children, people assume that I MUST want kids. One lady at work said "How dare you not want to carry on your traditions of your family?" and "You are really going to feel like you missed out when you are older."

Oh boy.
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And the whole "selfish" thing? If living my life the way I choose is considered being selfish, then sign me up!

Glad to see I am not alone here.... :)
 

meresal

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Date: 8/19/2009 12:03:37 PM
Author: AsscherNut
I feel the same way DMD!

I don't feel the instincts come on when I see other children, in fact, I want to run the other way! Don't get my wrong, they are precious-but they are not for everyone. When I tell people that, they look at me like I'm from outer space. Especially since I come from an Asian background and the 'norm' is to get married and become a baby making machine. My FI and I will be happy if it doesn't happen and happy if it does....but we're not giving into the pressures of our families and friends. I hate to sound selfish, but there is so much of the world to see out there! FI and I love to travel and we don't want to wait until we are in our 50's or 60's to see and do certain things.
It's not selfish. DH and I are very spontaneous people, in that right now the last thing I want to do is hinder our ability to pack up at a moments notice and fly away for the weekend or the week. We won't even commit to a dog because I refuse to leave it with friends or leave it in a hotel as often as we go away. You only become selfish, once your actions are depriving someone else of something... (ie, having a baby before your ready and depriving them of a loving mother and father because you don't want to be around as much as you should be. That is selfish.)

DH and I are, right now, in the boat that we are not ready for children. I don't want to be the mother that sees her friends going on trips, and then looking at my child knowing that they are the reason I can't. I think the worst thing in the world is to be the parent that resents their children. If I'm not ready to be there all the time, then I'm not ready to have kids. If we grow out of it, then we'll have kids, if we don't, then we won't. Simple as that. It is definitely not selfish though.
 

trillionaire

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Date: 8/19/2009 1:58:18 PM
Author: DMBFiredancer

Date: 8/19/2009 12:37:13 PM
Author: Erinleigh

Date: 8/18/2009 11:55:04 PM

Author:DMBFiredancer


I don''t get excited one bit when I see a baby - I actually get more excited if the mom also happens to be walking a cute dog -now THAT makes me smile!

+1!! haha I never get mushy over a baby, but show me a dog and I''m smitten, lol!

FF and I have never wanted children. We''ve both decided that focusing on our careers and relationships are what we want to put our effort into, so you''re totally not alone in not wanting kids!


As far as responses I''ve gotten when I answer that I don''t want children I usually get ''oh, you''ll change your mind.''- which I find extremely irritating! For some reason some people just can''t be supportive of our decision and subsequently go on to telling us how we have to have kids and it''s what everyone does. I''ve actually been yelled at once over my decision by a coworker. They just couldn''t wrap their head around why I didn''t want the same life they had... It was too weird.
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Oh, I get that so much!!!! ''You''ll change your mind'' or ''Its so different when you have your own''

I''m sorry, but to be very blunt...it just does not look like fun to me. For some reason that is so taboo for people to hear - they immediately think there is something wrong with me - I can always tell by that look they have on their faces. (You know the look if you''ve been in my position)

Its funny that you were yelled at by a coworker because I was lectured by a coworker as well. Especially being a teacher of young children, people assume that I MUST want kids. One lady at work said ''How dare you not want to carry on your traditions of your family?'' and ''You are really going to feel like you missed out when you are older.''

Oh boy.
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And the whole ''selfish'' thing? If living my life the way I choose is considered being selfish, then sign me up!

Glad to see I am not alone here.... :)
I''ve yet to hear a reason FOR having kids that was not selfish.
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I love kids, babies, etc. I also like to give them back and send them home. I love my peaceful simple life, the freedom to be spontaneous, etc. I look at the lifestyles of parents and they seem stressed, drained, grumpy, etc. My worst nightmare is being a resentful bitter mom or wife, so no kids for me. Parents tell you how great it is, but most parents will also say how they envy the lifestyles of those without kids, so... yeah. Now, I would love to have adult children! 18+ young adults really amaze and fascinate me, and I would love holidays with tables full of adults of different ages talking about life. But the kids, no thanks. My dog is enough responsibility for me.

it''s really not that strange, though, that people are adamant about having children. Most people don''t consciously even think about WHETHER or not they want children, and biologically, people HAVE to want children to keep the population going. It''s really onlys since the advent of BC that child planning was even something women could control.... that being said, people are totally rude about respecting the wishes of people who are childfree by choice.

and my parents are DEVESTATED!
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Erinleigh

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Date: 8/19/2009 2:19:15 PM
Author: trillionaire

and my parents are DEVESTATED!
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Sorry about your parents trill - mine are still in the ''you''ll change your mind'' camp, but I''m sure once they realize we''re serious, they''re feel the same way yours do
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trillionaire

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Date: 8/19/2009 2:31:45 PM
Author: Erinleigh

Date: 8/19/2009 2:19:15 PM
Author: trillionaire

and my parents are DEVESTATED!
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Sorry about your parents trill - mine are still in the ''you''ll change your mind'' camp, but I''m sure once they realize we''re serious, they''re feel the same way yours do
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Yeah, my parents will adjust, and life will go on. My dad is a pediatrician by training, and my mom is a teacher. Dad has been buying toys for grandkids for the last 8-10 years (one whole closet full including Tickle Me Elmo and Tickle Me Elmo Extreme), and my mom recently declared that she thinks she would be a great grandmother and thinks that she should have a chance to before she gets too old!

Fortunately, I have two siblings who want kids. Unfortunately, my 28 yr old brother doesn''t have a GF and doesn''t really care about dating right now, and my 23 yr old sister has never had a BF.... so yeah... all eyes on me.
 

AsscherNut

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Oh, I get that so much!!!! ''You''ll change your mind'' or "Its so different when you have your own"


I''m 26 and FI is 29 and I don''t think we will change our minds about such a life-altering decision if we already made up our minds!
People make it sound so blissful and wonderful...ummm, 18+ years of being responsible for the upbringing of another human being is very stressful and expensive!

I also always get " but they will take care of you when you are old and crippled"....to me, that is NOT a reason to have kids....you have to truly want, commit, and sacrifice for them...

I can''t stand that people make me sound so abnormal and not a REAL woman if I don''t give birth
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zoebartlett

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We''re still kind of on the fence, to be honest. Like you, DMB, I''m an elementary teacher, and I get my "fix" during the school day. I have to admit, it''s kind of nice to come home to a quiet house at the end of a long day. My husband and I still feel "selfish" and like to be somewhat carefree regarding going on vacation, etc. We got married a year ago and we''re in our mid-late thirties. We (well, I) feel somewhat rushed due to age, but we''re not quite ready to fully commit to either having kids or not. My husband has always said that he never felt the NEED to be a dad the way other guys who have families do. I suppose I feel the same way because while I do work with kids all day, it''s nice to have a break. I do see babies and think "I want one too!" so I know there''s some baby fever there. So it looks like we just can''t quite make up our minds.
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Pandora II

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Thought I''d chime in as someone who never thought they would have kids. Not because I couldn''t but because I didn''t want to!

I didn''t even like other peoples'', I never went gooey over babies and stayed the other side of the room from my nephews and nieces.

At the grand old age of 35 I changed my mind - just enough to throw care to the wind and agree to try to get pregnant.

So, I''m 36 and KTFU... I HATE being pregnant with a vengeance and I am scared crazy about giving up my spare time, my life, my figure and all my spare cash and above all my morning lie-ins to this small alien who has invaded my body.

Now I''m here at 37 with a 3 month old baby. Today I said to DH that I was so glad he talked me into it as I adore having the bear, but that it was also lovely that when you don''t have children (by choice) you don''t feel like you are missing anything either. I actually enjoy spending time with Daisy, I still find time for me, my figure is back - but with bigger boobs - and I can''t remember what I used to spend money on as DH and I can barely walk past a baby-shop without indulging our need for more books/toys/cutesy outfits. I don''t even resent the early mornings!

I don''t know that it would be like this for everyone - and we have been blessed with a very well-behaved baby with a sunny disposition and they don''t all come like that! I also believe in the bear fitting round our life not vice versa. Granted it takes a bit more planning and time, but we''re currently travelling round Ireland with her and it''s been a piece of cake. I even took her caving on Monday!

I do a vague routine ie Eat, Play, Sleep, Eat, Play, Sleep etc but it''s not based on anything like ''sleep at 2pm'' or anything as it just wouldn''t work with my life.

My parents brought the 4 of us up while travelling and living all over the world and children actually travel very well - especially when they are tiny and aren''t restricted by schooling etc - plus they go free on planes!

No-one ever preached at me - they all thought it was a good thing I didn''t have kids! Now they still say they can''t see me with a baby or that they feel sorry for her!

Lots of our friends are Child Free By Choice, and I totally understand being that way - DH and I were until last year. No reason why anyone should HAVE to have kids - but changing your mind is a possibility.
 

elrohwen

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I'm not necessarily in the "no kids ever" camp, but I'm certainly in the "no kids anytime soon" camp! I'm 25 and really can't see myself wanting kids any time soon (like, within the next 10 years). FI and I make good incomes, so it's not like we're in the wrong financial place for kids (though having a house would be nice). Yet, I still cannot imagine having kids in a million years.

I do feel like I will "change my mind" some day though. Maybe when I'm 30-35? I guess I'm assuming that ... there's a good possibility that I won't change my mind at all! Though my mom and dad started their marriage exactly the same way and after 10 years had me. My mom said it was the best thing they ever did, so I'm hoping I'll be the same way. I do think I'd like to experience having a kid during my life, I just can't see wanting it any time soon.

FI and I are on the same page. He feels that he will also want kids "some day" but can't imagine it happening any time in the forseeable future. I only worry that if my biological clock doesn't kick in and his does, what do we do? It's easier to just be on the same page of "have kids" because people who want them rarely seem to change their minds.

It's tempting to say I'll just go off BC one day in my 30s and if it happens it happens ... but I know myself and I'm either in or out. If I want a kid, I'll be really really into having a kid. If I don't, I won't even want it to be a possibility. I guess I don't think I'll ever see wanting kids as a grey area for me, personally. I like to think, as soon as I want a kid as bad as I currently want a dog (thinking abut it all the time, researching, rationalizing away the possible negatives
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) then I'll be ready.

ETA: I'm totally with you girls about getting gushy over dogs waaayyy more than babies
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NewEnglandLady

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I have a good friend who does not want kids--it''s a dealbreaker for her. Her husband feels the same way. In fact one day a family member gave her the "you might change your mind one day" line and she said "I don''t think so or we''d have to get divorced". I know that for her finding a husband who was firmly in the "no kids" camp was VERY difficult.

My husband dragged his feet about getting engaged and I told her one day that one of the reasons I left the relationship was because I didn''t want to be a with a commitmentphobe who was afraid of marriage and have it spill over into having a family one day. My fear was that I would wake up one day in my 30''s and D would say "you know what, I don''t want kids after all." She said she has the same fear in reverse--that suddenly one day her spouse would want a baby and the relationship would have to end...only in her case she''d look like the bad guy since most would assume she was terrible for not wanting to have her husband''s children. Unfortunately, she makes a good point.

So I''m curious for you ladies in the "no baby" camp--do you ever fear your spouse would change his mind? Is it a dealbreaker for you?
 

trillionaire

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Date: 8/20/2009 4:11:38 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I have a good friend who does not want kids--it's a dealbreaker for her. Her husband feels the same way. In fact one day a family member gave her the 'you might change your mind one day' line and she said 'I don't think so or we'd have to get divorced'. I know that for her finding a husband who was firmly in the 'no kids' camp was VERY difficult.

My husband dragged his feet about getting engaged and I told her one day that one of the reasons I left the relationship was because I didn't want to be a with a commitmentphobe who was afraid of marriage and have it spill over into having a family one day. My fear was that I would wake up one day in my 30's and D would say 'you know what, I don't want kids after all.' She said she has the same fear in reverse--that suddenly one day her spouse would want a baby and the relationship would have to end...only in her case she'd look like the bad guy since most would assume she was terrible for not wanting to have her husband's children. Unfortunately, she makes a good point.

So I'm curious for you ladies in the 'no baby' camp--do you ever fear your spouse would change his mind? Is it a dealbreaker for you?
I definitely worry about this. I've spent more time with kids, babysitting, working with them, volunteering and teaching, so I think I have a better perspective on how much work it is, and I'm pretty adamantly opposed at this point. I tend to be pretty resolute about things that I decide, and I tend to be a bit non-traditional as well. FI is a little more influenced by the opinions of others (I say this because he wants to have a wedding reception because everyone else expects it), and there are no biological grandsons in his family, so he feels a bit of pressure to have a son to carry on the family name. I have pointed out that it's pretty absurd to assume that we would just magically have a son, so that's not acceptable logic for having a bio kid.
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Anyways, I feel like it would be a dealbreaker with anyone else (like if I was still dating), but honestly, I can't see me tossing in the towel on FI, no matter what. Maybe as I get older, I will soften up to the idea, who knows. We have both agreed to adopt (if we want kids), so at least if we end up with kids, I will feel really good about our decision. I really can't see FI as the type to want kids in a pressing way, maybe just fleeting feelings of maybe we should, everyone else has them, etc, but not fervently like some men. I honestly think that if it came down to having a child or losing me, I'm pretty sure he would choose me.
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On the other hand, I'm sure I'd be very happy with children if I had them. Most people don't regret their kids, though I've met plenty of parents who had told me I am smart to not have kids. *shrugs*
 

October2008bride

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DH and I are in the ''it''s possible we might not have kids'' camp. We discussed it before the wedding - I told him that I wasn''t sure, but how would he feel if we didn''t have kids? Neither of us have a deep desire at this point, and I don''t want to have kids just because we ''should'' or ''might regret it if we don''t'' or because our friends are doing it. We have two nieces and get our fill that way and are grateful when we go home by ourselves.

There is an interesting, but one sided blog I read sometimes that you might be interested in:

http://childfreedom.blogspot.com/

It is not a fair representation, but has some thought provoking posts.

Recently, I''ve had feelings about wanting to be pregnant, have an infant, and be on mat leave. however I think those are stemming from my recent pooch (pregnancy would hide that right?) and being overly tired of work (mat leave would fix that right?). I just am not committed to the life change of having a child past that point.

I told my hubby that it would be easier and cheaper if I just took a year off and started going to the gym :)
 

DMBFiredancer

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Date: 8/20/2009 9:02:57 PM
Author: october2008bride


There is an interesting, but one sided blog I read sometimes that you might be interested in:


http://childfreedom.blogspot.com/

This is great! Thanks for sharing!!!
 

gwendolyn

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I am 99% sure I don't want kids. J says he would be happy either way, would marginally prefer to have them (mostly, he says, because he just grew up feeling like he was supposed to have them, but also because he thinks we'd make good parents), but he only wants kids with me, so if I don't ever want them, he says he's fine with that. It's very sweet, but I feel like I'm possibly holding him back.

As a result, I tried about a dozen times back when we were dating (and once after we got engaged) to suggest that maybe he shouldn't be with me, because as he gets older, the desire to have kids might increase and he might resent me for not wanting them. He always says that since I have always been completely honest with him about my feelings and reasons for not wanting children, he doesn't think he'll ever get resentful. Obviously no one can know for sure about how they'll feel in the future, but I did try very hard to convince him to be with someone else if being a dad was really important to him because it just feels to me like my biological clock is broken. He won't have it, though. He's adamant that he'll either not have them, or have them with me if I ever feel ready, and insists that he'll have a happy and wonderful life regardless of which path we end up choosing.

Also, we can barely support ourselves, so the thought of the financial implications of having a baby are only exceedingly stressful, not joyous as they should be. And, on top of all that, my career is in education, working at a special needs school, and many days I return home to be completely burned out and mentally, physically and emotionally spent. That's no way for a parent to be with their own children, you know? Heck, it's not nice for J, but at least he's an adult and can understand that it's about the job, not him.

I feel badly that I don't want my own children, like I am wrong, and denying J something he would be great at doing, but I can't make myself want them. I've tried! No dice. Maybe things will change in the future, once we are more settled, but I have told J not to count on it. I'll be 32 when we get married in April, and just don't see it happening anytime soon, if ever.
 

DMBFiredancer

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Date: 8/20/2009 11:49:22 PM
Author: gwendolyn
And, on top of all that, my career is in education, working at a special needs school, and many days I return home to be completely burned out and mentally, physically and emotionally spent. That''s no way for a parent to be with their own children, you know? Heck, it''s not nice for J, but at least he''s an adult and can understand that it''s about the job, not him.


I feel badly that I don''t want my own children, like I am wrong, and denying J something he would be great at doing, but I can''t make myself want them. I''ve tried! No dice. Maybe things will change in the future, once we are more settled, but I have told J not to count on it. I''ll be 32 when we get married in April, and just don''t see it happening anytime soon, if ever.

Wow...I can imagine how burnt out you must be at a special needs school. I teach first graders at a Title 1 school in L.A. so my kids have some needs of a different kind. But I completely know where you are coming from. When I get home the LAST thing I can see myself doing is having patience for my own child.
People tell me all the time what a wonderful parent I would be. One of my best guy friends loves to remind me by saying things like, "I still cant believe you arent having kids - you''d make the best mom."
I''m 39 now. So I honestly cannot see myself changing my mind.
 

trillionaire

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Date: 8/21/2009 12:26:24 AM
Author: DMBFiredancer


Date: 8/20/2009 11:49:22 PM
Author: gwendolyn
And, on top of all that, my career is in education, working at a special needs school, and many days I return home to be completely burned out and mentally, physically and emotionally spent. That's no way for a parent to be with their own children, you know? Heck, it's not nice for J, but at least he's an adult and can understand that it's about the job, not him.


I feel badly that I don't want my own children, like I am wrong, and denying J something he would be great at doing, but I can't make myself want them. I've tried! No dice. Maybe things will change in the future, once we are more settled, but I have told J not to count on it. I'll be 32 when we get married in April, and just don't see it happening anytime soon, if ever.

Wow...I can imagine how burnt out you must be at a special needs school. I teach first graders at a Title 1 school in L.A. so my kids have some needs of a different kind. But I completely know where you are coming from. When I get home the LAST thing I can see myself doing is having patience for my own child.
People tell me all the time what a wonderful parent I would be. One of my best guy friends loves to remind me by saying things like, 'I still cant believe you arent having kids - you'd make the best mom.'
I'm 39 now. So I honestly cannot see myself changing my mind.
My mom was a teacher, and when she got home from work, she was tired and crabby! Mostly she talked on the phone and cooked dinner, then fell asleep somewhere reading magazines at 8pm. (this was when we were school age) There were three of us, so we entertained ourselves or played with our neighbors, but my mom definitely wasn't in the best of moods after a day of schooling in inner city Baltimore.
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She was great with us in the summers though and took us everywhere, and even took us to her school field trips when we had days off. She was really a great mom, but definitely burnt out after teaching...

And I know what you mean, Gwen, when you say you feel bad about not wanting kids. I really think FI is indifferent (I asked him, he said he was neutral on kids), the kind of guy that would have them if I wanted them, or not if I don't, so I don't worry too much about that, but my dad... he LIVES for grandchildren. Like, my dad would adopt a child right now to have a baby in his life. He's so wonderful with children and would be the world's best grandfather, and I'm sorry that I can't bring him that joy, but I have no interest in 24/7 parenting.
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I pray that one of my siblings marries and has a child in the next 5-7 years, I don't want to have to be harassed about kids forever.
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I don't want a wedding
I don't want kids
I'm not religious

pretty much I am my parents worst nightmare.
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That sucks.

Article: Parenthood doesn't lead to joy
 

DMBFiredancer

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2008
Messages
595
Thanks for that article, Trillionaire - here''s another good one:



It was interesting to hear your perspective as a child of a teacher.

I am just curious - where do you guys fall as far as age with your siblings? Oldest? Youngest?

I am the oldest of 4 girls. I am 39, the next is 38 (she wants kids badly but doesn''t have a BF even right now) then there''s a 28 year old and a 25 year old. The 28 year old wants kids but isn''t in a relationship now. The 25 year old? I am not sure.
Luckily my parents don''t ask me about it. I told them once and I am sure they would rather I have children, but I think they have accepted it now as my choice.

I believe I am thinking about it more now because once I go back to school in September, I am certain that everyone will ask the inevitable - "So....when are the babies coming?" now that I am married. I dread that question with a passion.

I think my new ammunition when people say something like, "What do you mean you don''t want kids?" is going to be "Do you want to adopt greyhounds? What do you mean you don''t want to adopt greyhounds?"
 

trillionaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
3,881
Date: 8/21/2009 1:11:19 AM
Author: DMBFiredancer
Thanks for that article, Trillionaire - here''s another good one:

http://www.thechildfreelife.com/index.php/articles/34-articles/177-like-kids-but-dont-wanna-be-a-parent

It was interesting to hear your perspective as a child of a teacher.

I am just curious - where do you guys fall as far as age with your siblings? Oldest? Youngest?

I am the oldest of 4 girls. I am 39, the next is 38 (she wants kids badly but doesn''t have a BF even right now) then there''s a 28 year old and a 25 year old. The 28 year old wants kids but isn''t in a relationship now. The 25 year old? I am not sure.
Luckily my parents don''t ask me about it. I told them once and I am sure they would rather I have children, but I think they have accepted it now as my choice.

I believe I am thinking about it more now because once I go back to school in September, I am certain that everyone will ask the inevitable - ''So....when are the babies coming?'' now that I am married. I dread that question with a passion.

I think my new ammunition when people say something like, ''What do you mean you don''t want kids?'' is going to be ''Do you want to adopt greyhounds? What do you mean you don''t want to adopt greyhounds?''
I''m the middle kid
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Will be 27 in a few days, older brother is 28, younger sister is 23. All pretty young in the grand scheme of parenting, but neither of my sibs are dating currently. My parents pretty much ignore anything that I say that they don''t like (ex: no wedding, no kids). Denial to the extreme. God love ''em!
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My mom is hysterical though. She''d come home stressed and tired and tell us it was because of her students, so we just left her alone, lol. So she''d call another fellow teacher or a friend and talk on the phone for hours. Literally! lol That''s my mom! She still teaches, but in the ''burbs, so it''s less stressful dealing with the students, now she just struggles to keep up with the changing technology and with some visual issues/aging. In her defense, her students in Baltimore WERE stressful, coming to school with brass knuckles, knives, throwing desks, rocks, etc in a 3 story un-air conditioned building! I''d be cranky too! She''s an amazing teacher though!
 

museikchik

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 2, 2008
Messages
267
I am so glad this was posted at least I know that I am not alone. I have no desire to have kids. My mom had my three younger siblings when I was still in high school so I had to help change diapers, bathe them etc... I guess I am traumatized because I remember being super tired at school because my little sister woke up a million times each night. My room was right next to hers so I was the lucky one who would get to wake up to give her a bottle. I just didn''t remember that being any fun and have no desire to go through that stuff again. My DH is really supportive, he says that he can go either way. Both of our parents divorced when we were young so I think that deep down both of us are scared of the added stress even though neither one of us will admit it.

Like someone else said if it happens great if it doesn''t that is great too. Personally I want to be able to provide for my kids and be able to go to Disneyland on a whim. Both DH and I grew up being poor for awhile so we want to be able to avoid that at all costs.
 

gwendolyn

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 4, 2007
Messages
6,770
Date: 8/21/2009 12:26:24 AM
Author: DMBFiredancer
Date: 8/20/2009 11:49:22 PM

Author: gwendolyn

And, on top of all that, my career is in education, working at a special needs school, and many days I return home to be completely burned out and mentally, physically and emotionally spent. That''s no way for a parent to be with their own children, you know? Heck, it''s not nice for J, but at least he''s an adult and can understand that it''s about the job, not him.



I feel badly that I don''t want my own children, like I am wrong, and denying J something he would be great at doing, but I can''t make myself want them. I''ve tried! No dice. Maybe things will change in the future, once we are more settled, but I have told J not to count on it. I''ll be 32 when we get married in April, and just don''t see it happening anytime soon, if ever.


Wow...I can imagine how burnt out you must be at a special needs school. I teach first graders at a Title 1 school in L.A. so my kids have some needs of a different kind. But I completely know where you are coming from. When I get home the LAST thing I can see myself doing is having patience for my own child.

People tell me all the time what a wonderful parent I would be. One of my best guy friends loves to remind me by saying things like, ''I still cant believe you arent having kids - you''d make the best mom.''

I''m 39 now. So I honestly cannot see myself changing my mind.
Yeah, I get the same comments about how people think I would be a great mother--from my mother (who''s clearly a bit biased
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), from J, from my friends, from my co-workers--even a parent of a student once told me I "need to procreate." I think it''s a great compliment, but I never know exactly what to say, so usually it''s just, "Thanks, we''ll see..." But they don''t really mean that I should right now; they mean when J and I are married, which will happen in April of 2010...so I might need to come up with more ready answers so I don''t get irritated and say something I shouldn''t (because, in truth, I find it slightly invasive and because they all ask when we''re having kids after they issue the compliment).

Oh, and in response to your other wondering, I am the oldest of 3 and the only girl, marrying the only boy--youngest--of 3, and we KNOW J''s parents (at least his dad) wants more grandchildren because ours would be the only ones to carry on the family name (his older sisters are both married with 2 kids each). Not a fun position to be in.
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trillionaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
3,881
Date: 8/21/2009 7:14:19 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Oh, and in response to your other wondering, I am the oldest of 3 and the only girl, marrying the only boy--youngest--of 3, and we KNOW J''s parents (at least his dad) wants more grandchildren because ours would be the only ones to carry on the family name (his older sisters are both married with 2 kids each). Not a fun position to be in.
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I''m with you sister! FI''s brother and wife have a daughter together, and the wife brought a son to the marriage. They are both pretty burnt out on kids now, (actually, they were pretty stressed out with just the one child) and say they are not having any more. I was REALLY hoping that they would have a boy so that the whole family name thing wouldn''t come into play, but there are a ton of male cousins with the last name, so it''s only FI''s immediate family that has this issue... I really don''t get it either, my mom was one of 4 girls, and it was no big deal.
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Anyway, I think that the ''family name'' thing is the most likely issue for FI wanting kids.
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Maybe FBIL and FSIL will change their mind or have an ooopsie?
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iluvcarats

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 17, 2008
Messages
2,855
Kudos to all of you for finding this out now.
The last thing this world needs is more unwanted kids with selfish parents.
 

trillionaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
3,881
Date: 8/21/2009 9:25:29 AM
Author: iluvcarats
Kuddos to all of you for finding this out now.
The last thing this world needs is more unwanted kids with selfish parents.
Agreed that we don't need unwanted children, but I would hardly call the folks on this thread 'selfish'. Not something I would likely say to my kid's teacher, and not something that has ever been said to me while I am doing volunteer child advocacy work...
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Parent and selfless are not synonymous, just like Childfree and selfish are not synonymous. And I'm great with kids, btw. Kids I babysat in high school still ask for me nearly a decade later.
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iluvcarats

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 17, 2008
Messages
2,855
Date: 8/21/2009 9:32:41 AM
Author: trillionaire
Date: 8/21/2009 9:25:29 AM

Author: iluvcarats

Kuddos to all of you for finding this out now.

The last thing this world needs is more unwanted kids with selfish parents.

Agreed that we don''t need unwanted children, but I would hardly call the folks on this thread ''selfish''. Not something I would likely say to my kid''s teacher, and not something that has ever been said to me while I am doing volunteer child advocacy work...
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Parent and selfless are not synonymous, just like Childfree and selfish are not synonymous. And I''m great with kids, btw. Kids I babysat in high school still ask for me nearly a decade later.
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I didn''t call you selfish. I simply stated that there are lots of selfish parents in the world. Interpret it however you wish.
 
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