Along the wedding (NO!) gift thread, have you ever attended a ca$h bar wedding???

[violet3]

In the UK and Canada, gifting the couple cash (i.e., presentation) isn't always the norm. It's customary in some cultures (Italian, Portuguese), but it is seriously frowned upon in others (people from more WASP-y backgrounds). In those cultures it is frowned upon, the traditional wedding gift would be something that helps you set up your home as a couple, like china, a nice serving dish, towels and sheets, cutlery, and the like.

Also, it's a mistake to assume that the parents are paying for the wedding. With couples marrying older, the parents of the bride often do not feel obligated to do this. Many young couples can't afford a lavish wedding with an open bar.

This was an issue between DH and myself. He is from an Italian family where presentation is the norm. I am from a WASP background, where presentation is seen as tacky (ESPECIALLY if you put it on your invitations) and only wedding gifts are given. His parents assumed my parents should pay for the wedding and that we should have the large traditional 500 person wedding where you invite the entire community. My parents were NOT going to pay as I was an adult and had been on my own for a long time. DH and I were paying, and could not afford a $50K+ wedding. DH's parents said "no problem, put it on a CC and the presentation will pay for the wedding plus some" not understanding that half the wedding guests would gift us with china and the like. So we had a very small wedding with wine on the table only and no open bar. My in-laws were not happy about it, but they weren't offering to step and and pay. Perhaps our guests thought my parents were cheap too, but honestly, I was not prepared to go tens of thousands of dollars into debt to pay for a wedding I could not afford.

So I guess I don't blink at cash bars. A wedding shouldn't be a drunk fest IMO anyway. Wine with dinner and a sparkling wine for a toast or two seems like plenty.

So interesting how it all changes from culture to culture and areas - I find it somewhat fascinating. When I was talking to my friend (located in New Jersey, very close to New York City), she had me laughing until I cried over all of the rules of having and attending a wedding in her area. I live at the beach in Delaware - it's a small town, and fairly laid back, where (more or less) anything goes. I never had any idea that certain areas were so heavily regulated in terms of wedding etiquette. She said if you were in her circle of friends and had a buffet wedding, people would talk negatively about you for years

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

No, I have not. I was engaged and planning a wedding when I was 22 (I ended the engagement). I remember thinking alcohol could easily ruin my wedding reception.

When you grow up seeing how alcohol ruins people’s lives and leaves a path of destruction to everyone around, cash bars at weddings don’t seem like a bad thing to you.

If I were to attend a cash bar wedding, I would wonder if there may have been other reasons for it than cost.

I have to agree that I specifically didn't want too much hard alcohol / mixed drinks. Nit that our friends are huge drinkers, but we knew it would be a very hot day and especially fancy cocktails where you don't taste the alcohol so much didn't seem like a good idea . ..

 

[missy]

No we have never had that experience. All the weddings and parties we have been invited to included alcohol and food. No charge to the guests. I think there was a thread about this a while back but it just isn't done in our social circles. Charging guests to have alcoholic drinks. It is IMO what one does for guests. Serve them food and drink. And provide good music and get everyone dancing and you are guaranteed to have a nice party.

 

[msop04]

We were married in Mexico and had a small reception (really nice sit down dinner) there for those few who came down (very close friends and family - about 13 total guests). It was all-inclusive, so obviously not a cash bar.

Then we came back and had a big reception for everyone else. It was heavy hors d'oeuvres and beer/wine/champagne... however, those who wanted liquor drinks had the option of cash bar.

ETA: we had a super swanky venue with live band and amazing décor, so we felt like beer, wine, and champagne were plenty. We didn't advertise cash bar... but if someone went to one of our bartenders asked if they had the option to order a drink, they could. We had very few people who did that though. Most didn't even ask... hopefully they were happy with what was provided! LOL

 

[Disoon]

I am from a WASP background,

Forgive me what’s a WASP???

 

[missy]

Forgive me what’s a WASP???

White Anglo-Saxon Protestant.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Forgive me what’s a WASP???

 

[Tekate]

Being Irish descent from a long line of drinkers we give cash also. I didn't receive one 'gift' when I was married way back (probably before you were born), I would have thought it odd, I had 2 showers.

So you took all 4 girls to the wedding, there is nothing like being with your kids when they are little and seeing life thru their eyes you get a redo. Enjoy enjoy! thanks for your reply and honesty.

I think I would keep the gift the same BUT if it involved going to Europe I might give a more standard gift. I do understand this life for you millenials is tougher.

Peace!

I don’t think it would change what I would spend on the wedding gift. I would like to think that when I (and/ or my family) were invited to the wedding, that we were in their closer circle of friends to be considered.

Our family were invited to a wedding in Hong Kong in April 2019, 8hr flight there; and another 8hr back all at bad times, too. We took them all 6of is there for the week!!! Still spent the same amount on the gift. But we spent more cos of the flights/ accommodation for the entire family etc....It worked with school holidays. We made it a bit of a holiday. Took the kids to Disneyland. Yay.

If the the destination was in Europe , it might have been a different story. Longer time away or only one of us would have gone.

France for a wedding!!! Nice!!!

We are of the same opinion that if we had a wedding- food and drink would be provided. It’s also a very stressful and expensive time and would respect the newly weds decision on their day. Being Asian, we would provide a cash gift.

 

[Austina]

At our friends son’s wedding, there was fizz for the toast, wine on the table with the meal, but after that, a cash bar.

Our friends couldn’t have afforded to have an open bar, and it didn’t matter to us, as we don’t really drink anyway, but I wouldn’t go to a wedding if I was expected to pay for my meal.

We paid for all the alcohol at our wedding, but it was a small wedding, and the guests weren’t particularly big drinkers, so it didn’t cost us much anyway.

 

[Tekate]

I had a buffet at my wedding way back and I felt also that a buffet was tackier but my dad was paying and that is what he wanted.

When I was married it was thought that a buffet was cheaper than a sit down meal, but where I had my reception the buffet was more expensive per plate than the good old RB, green beans, salad, MPs... I had Italian food (my husband was 1/2 Italian) to respect my MIL's family, we had a person carving turkey at one end of the table and a person carving roast beef at the other, we had fish, lasagne, meatballs, breads, tons of small bites while we were picture taking, there were green beans, everyone had a piece of a real cake not a serving cake in the back, we had ice cream, my Dad was German, we lived in a small town north of NYC and everyone knew EVERYONE.. so my Dad went all out on a railroad conductor's salary and my sister was married 9 months before me but she married into an Irish German family from Buffalo and the reception had all kinds of german foods. But I do believe serving yourself was looked down upon at a wedding back in my day by Wasps, good thing I was a Irish/German lower class catholic girl

It is funny how everyone has different etiquette rules, my husbands sister got arried 8 mos exactly after I did and she had sparklers and Italian guys dancing etc what a show! I hated it.

peace.

So interesting how it all changes from culture to culture and areas - I find it somewhat fascinating. When I was talking to my friend (located in New Jersey, very close to New York City), she had me laughing until I cried over all of the rules of having and attending a wedding in her area. I live at the beach in Delaware - it's a small town, and fairly laid back, where (more or less) anything goes. I never had any idea that certain areas were so heavily regulated in terms of wedding etiquette. She said if you were in her circle of friends and had a buffet wedding, people would talk negatively about you for years

 

[JPie]

No we have never had that experience. All the weddings and parties we have been invited to included alcohol and food. No charge to the guests. I think there was a thread about this a while back but it just isn't done in our social circles. Charging guests to have alcoholic drinks. It is IMO what one does for guests. Serve them food and drink. And provide good music and get everyone dancing and you are guaranteed to have a nice party.

This! I've been to dry weddings, weddings with signature drinks/limited drink selections, champagne for the toast only and all were fine. I don't expect the couple to provide a full, open bar with every alcoholic beverage imaginable, but I think it's poor manners to set up a bar specifically for the reception and expect people to buy drinks themselves. (Of course, a venue that has a bar for all patrons like a hotel or restaurant, and with no buyout for the wedding party, is excepted.)

 

[cmd2014]

So interesting how it all changes from culture to culture and areas - I find it somewhat fascinating. When I was talking to my friend (located in New Jersey, very close to New York City), she had me laughing until I cried over all of the rules of having and attending a wedding in her area. I live at the beach in Delaware - it's a small town, and fairly laid back, where (more or less) anything goes. I never had any idea that certain areas were so heavily regulated in terms of wedding etiquette. She said if you were in her circle of friends and had a buffet wedding, people would talk negatively about you for years

Culture is HUGE when it comes to weddings. I didn't realize it until I married someone from a different one. (you know what you know, right?)

My family is pretty heavily regulated in terms of etiquette. No presentation (wedding gifts only, and even those are quite prescribed - with only certain items being seen as 'acceptable' and specifically what you give from those prescribed gifts is dependent on your relationship to the couple or their parents). Sit down, plated and served dinner only unless you are doing a wedding reception at a non-dinner hour, in which case a luncheon or passed hors d'oeuvres would be seen as more appropriate. Wine is pretty much the norm, with sparkling wine for the toasts (no hard liquor). Toasts are also limited to very brief congratulatory toasts, usually from the father of the bride welcoming the son in law to the family and the father of the groom welcoming the bride to theirs. These are usually done after dinner but before the cutting of the cake. Long speeches consisting of childhood memories and roasting of the couple are not done. We also don't clink glasses for kisses. Formal invitations (no e-invites, the horror!) with RSVP, and the event is expected to be relatively formal as well (even outdoor ceremonies and receptions). And dinner is pretty much the main event. Dancing is pretty limited. There is no tossing of garters, only the bouquet.

Italian weddings are quite different. Apart from the ceremony at the church (which tends to include a full Latin mass), their weddings are much less formal and arguably more fun, and it's not considered a good night until someone's drunken uncle has choked another (we are talking about men in their 70's that usually engage in this during these sorts of things). There are long speeches given by the best man and maid of honor designed to embarrass the bride and groom (which sometimes cross the line depending on how much folks have had to drink). They also have a tradition of lavish wedding gifts to all of the guests. Typically a gold rimmed glass of some sort (wine glass, goblet, highball) as well as candy coated almonds (called confetti) wrapped in tulle. The whole community is invited, and the bride's parents always pay, no matter how old the bride is. It's a point of pride to one-up each other in the community for how lavish the event can be. And presentation is the norm. You don't even have to say it. The rule is to give what your dinner would costs plus some (and there is competition there too about how generous people are). Oh, and everyone dances up a storm. It's a party, not a formal event. And there is a second dinner that comes out at midnight with platters of cold cuts, cheeses, buns, pickles, mini sandwiches, crudites, fruit plates, and desserts.

 

[Tekate]

this is exactly what I did no midnight thing at the reception because my wedding was at 11:30 a.m. BUT after the wedding was over we went to my parents house and there was food GALORE and there was wine, beer, hard liquor, it was fun.. but that was what was expected in my world. It's a party, not an event.

 

[Arcadian]

I always figured the bar was optional.

Booze is expensive, plus 9 out of 10 you have to also have a bar tender too. But I also don't feel there's a one size fits all.


The way we had it at the party after our wedding, we paid for food, entertainment, wine and beer, but if you wanted harder than that, you paid for it. We did some really good wines and beers honestly including a craft beer. Not to many people cared to drink beyond the wine or beer anyway But we caught hell from one of his gin loving sisters.... (he told her whahh pay up you have money!

 

[LLJsmom]

I don’t drink and neither does my DH. SO I lobbied to have a dry wedding. No alcohol. I personally was fine with it and truly didn’t care if people were unhappy. But my FIL was not happy with it so he paid for the brandy at each table. The only other drink she served were tea, soft drinks and water. Tough.

 

[gregchang35]

Being Irish descent from a long line of drinkers we give cash also. I didn't receive one 'gift' when I was married way back (probably before you were born), I would have thought it odd, I had 2 showers.

So you took all 4 girls to the wedding, there is nothing like being with your kids when they are little and seeing life thru their eyes you get a redo. Enjoy enjoy! thanks for your reply and honesty.

I think I would keep the gift the same BUT if it involved going to Europe I might give a more standard gift. I do understand this life for you millenials is tougher.

Peace!

Thanks for the conversation, Tekate.

And thanx so much for calling me a millennial!! You made my weekend!!! I am actually a gen x.... we started our family really late.

 

[doberman]

I don't drink because I dislike the taste, and no one in our family is a big drinker, but I had an open bar for 225 people at my wedding. The last picture in my photo album is my father pulling out the lining of his pockets to show they were empty. We had an open bar for my daughter's wedding. Cash bar is just not something that's done in our family and friend group, it would really make you look like a terrible host. You really just can't do it.

The one cash bar wedding I've been to was for one of my friends from school and I was a bridesmaid (oldest bridesmaid ever - wheee!). It was a cash bar because they didn't have a lot of money and it was an entirely different kind of crowd than we were used to. But that was the only cash bar I've ever seen, and I've been to a lot of weddings.

 

[ringbling17]

I’ve never been to a wedding reception with a cash bar. I can see where it can be tricky for some people who want to celebrate their wedding and who also don’t have a lot of funds though.
I like the idea of having beer, wine and a signature drink. If I was short on funds that would be something I would consider. Maybe one or two signature drinks, like a his and hers cocktail or a “couple” cocktail.
I don’t drink a lot so I would be happy with a Shirley Temple!

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

my dad enjoyed his drink (responsibly) my 21st 12 bottles of whisky were consumed over 2 days plus other spirits and beer and wine
im not married and my dad died not long after my 21st from cancer
my sister had a coctail wedding but the food was still really great
we would never have had a cash bar
everything was paid for
really good Champaign and beer
im honestly not sure about spirits
my dad used to make a beautiful punch that sure packed a punch - my sister may have served that
my parents always provided plenty of choice for non drinkers as i particulary hate coke

my other half's parents are English and Irish
they had a cash bar at their golden wedding.but they were retired on a budget

back in the day (1965) when my mum and dad got married my grandmother was breathern and my grandad grew up with an alcoholic father, so im honestly not sure there was much booze at the wedding but for family 21st my grandad did out the garage so they could serve alcohol as none was allowed in the house

i think it would be so rude to go to an open bar wedding and drink very expensive drinks because its free - ive seen it and it was like pigs at a trough - disgusting - no matter who is buying
if that's a cultural thing im glad that's not my culture - and i love a really really good rum.

off on a tangent but at my mother's funeral we had an open bar and plenteful tasty.hot bar food at a bar across the road from our accommodation (for after the tea party type food we had at the undertaker's reception room), for people who would normally have come back to the house if we had still had one in our old home town
no body had ever left my mother's house hungry or thirsty
i was a little worried about the open bar but the bill wasn't too bad
we also had beer and wine and lovelly antipasto platters back at the holiday apartment for anyone still around after we had left the bar
i know if i had had a wedding my dad had paid for, booze would have flown like a river for all

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

the world's all different, isnt it !

to be honest the drink i enjoyed most at my sister's wedding was a rich tomato soup
she got married in the winter about 5pm and they served this beautiful soup in mugs as people were milling around when the photos were being taken
its sounds odd but it was a big hit with everyone

 

[violet3]

Culture is HUGE when it comes to weddings. I didn't realize it until I married someone from a different one. (you know what you know, right?)

My family is pretty heavily regulated in terms of etiquette. No presentation (wedding gifts only, and even those are quite prescribed - with only certain items being seen as 'acceptable' and specifically what you give from those prescribed gifts is dependent on your relationship to the couple or their parents). Sit down, plated and served dinner only unless you are doing a wedding reception at a non-dinner hour, in which case a luncheon or passed hors d'oeuvres would be seen as more appropriate. Wine is pretty much the norm, with sparkling wine for the toasts (no hard liquor). Toasts are also limited to very brief congratulatory toasts, usually from the father of the bride welcoming the son in law to the family and the father of the groom welcoming the bride to theirs. These are usually done after dinner but before the cutting of the cake. Long speeches consisting of childhood memories and roasting of the couple are not done. We also don't clink glasses for kisses. Formal invitations (no e-invites, the horror!) with RSVP, and the event is expected to be relatively formal as well (even outdoor ceremonies and receptions). And dinner is pretty much the main event. Dancing is pretty limited. There is no tossing of garters, only the bouquet.

Italian weddings are quite different. Apart from the ceremony at the church (which tends to include a full Latin mass), their weddings are much less formal and arguably more fun, and it's not considered a good night until someone's drunken uncle has choked another (we are talking about men in their 70's that usually engage in this during these sorts of things). There are long speeches given by the best man and maid of honor designed to embarrass the bride and groom (which sometimes cross the line depending on how much folks have had to drink). They also have a tradition of lavish wedding gifts to all of the guests. Typically a gold rimmed glass of some sort (wine glass, goblet, highball) as well as candy coated almonds (called confetti) wrapped in tulle. The whole community is invited, and the bride's parents always pay, no matter how old the bride is. It's a point of pride to one-up each other in the community for how lavish the event can be. And presentation is the norm. You don't even have to say it. The rule is to give what your dinner would costs plus some (and there is competition there too about how generous people are). Oh, and everyone dances up a storm. It's a party, not a formal event. And there is a second dinner that comes out at midnight with platters of cold cuts, cheeses, buns, pickles, mini sandwiches, crudites, fruit plates, and desserts.

The Italian wedding sounds fun to me, especially the second dinner at midnight! I'm married to an italian, and this sounds dead on for something his family would do

 

[Tekate]

I think eyeryone should have the wedding they want. If you don't drink, your spouse to be doesn't drink I would bet all your friends knew that. I think people tend to socialize with people like themselves, my raucous, Irish, beer drinking family would have thought my parents flipped if there was no alcohol at my or my sister's weddings. I didn't even pick where I had my reception my parents did, things are a lot different today and I'm very glad for that.

I don’t drink and neither does my DH. SO I lobbied to have a dry wedding. No alcohol. I personally was fine with it and truly didn’t care if people were unhappy. But my FIL was not happy with it so he paid for the brandy at each table. The only other drink she served were tea, soft drinks and water. Tough.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I'm from NY, the only wedding that did NOT have a full open bar was my own. We had an early lunch time reception and had unlimited beer and wine. We were young, 22 and 23 and paid for half of the wedding. The entire wedding was about 10k and it would have been another 4k just for full open bar. We just couldn't justify it. If it had been a Saturday night we absolutely would have, but not a Sunday afternoon. We went to one other wedding in NY that was beer only (was a Thursday night and the Bride and Groom were not "from" NY) but other than that they've always been full open bar (and usually a Saturday night).

 

[OoohShiny]

Italian weddings are quite different. Apart from the ceremony at the church (which tends to include a full Latin mass), their weddings are much less formal and arguably more fun, and it's not considered a good night until someone's drunken uncle has choked another (we are talking about men in their 70's that usually engage in this during these sorts of things). There are long speeches given by the best man and maid of honor designed to embarrass the bride and groom (which sometimes cross the line depending on how much folks have had to drink). They also have a tradition of lavish wedding gifts to all of the guests. Typically a gold rimmed glass of some sort (wine glass, goblet, highball) as well as candy coated almonds (called confetti) wrapped in tulle. The whole community is invited, and the bride's parents always pay, no matter how old the bride is. It's a point of pride to one-up each other in the community for how lavish the event can be. And presentation is the norm. You don't even have to say it. The rule is to give what your dinner would costs plus some (and there is competition there too about how generous people are). Oh, and everyone dances up a storm. It's a party, not a formal event. And there is a second dinner that comes out at midnight with platters of cold cuts, cheeses, buns, pickles, mini sandwiches, crudites, fruit plates, and desserts.

I've just had breakfast but now I'm hungry again...

 

[cmd2014]

I've just had breakfast but now I'm hungry again...

Yeah, food is crazy at Italian gatherings. Even family dinners are a bit insane.

 

[missy]

Yeah, food is crazy at Italian gatherings. Even family dinners are a bit insane.

Haha same for Jewish gatherings. I swear my mom cooks enough for a small army even if it is just the 12 of us. No one leaves hungry and no one leaves empty handed. Leftovers are yummy so I don't mind her cooking up a storm.

It would be a sin (according to my family) if one didn't have enough food and drink for their guests ergo one must have way more than enough just in case...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I have. I personally would never have one. I don't like the idea of throwing a party and asking your guest to pay. I am the midst of planning my second wedding and it will be an open, full bar.

 

[Calliecake]

CONGRATULATIONS @Tacori E-ring!!!!

 

[nala]

I have a wide variety of people in my social circle so I have seen it all. I prefer an open beer, wine and soft drink bar rather than a limited open bar. I find it puzzling that a couple can have a beautiful wedding with expensive centerpieces and party favors, etc, only to surprise guests 2 hours into the reception when the open bar turns into a cash bar. In my mind, I wonder how they think that is acceptable, especially amid expensive decorations that will end up in the trash can. No surprise that people leave the reception right after dinner and that there is little dancing. Alcohol, people! Keep the alcohol flowing!

 

[GliderPoss]

I think there is nothing wrong with a cash bar, we had very nice champagne & wine (& soft drink of course) served with our wedding reception - if you wanted endless beer or fancy cocktails you had to purchase it yourself. Lordy, can you imagine how much a room full of twenty-somethings would have run up on an open-bar-tab?