People who do not have children...

[violet3]

I can relate this this too. We tried for around 5 years for a baby (several miscarriages) then husband announced he doesn't actually want kids after all. (I would have been cool with it if he was honest to start with!) Now I'm nearly 35 and we've split so I feel the chances of meeting someone new & having kids closer to 40 is very slim. I am unable to foster as I work full time and would never financially be able to adopt. I've come to peace with it but I DO feel very sad about it sometimes, especially as many of my friends are having their 2nd or 3rd child right now. I got off FB as I couldn't bear all the pregnancy/baby pics. I have 7 nieces & nephews and a godchild so I throw my energy into being the best aunt ever. I try to focus on the positives of this, the freedom to pursue my hobbies, to travel and the peace & quiet at home...

Your attitude is really inspiring - I'm going to try to take a page of it and put it in my book. Thank you so much for responding

 

[MissyBeaucoup]

I can relate to the stories here and my heart goes out to you. I spent most of my 30’s trying to have a baby, then timed out at 40 with emotional exhaustion. My husband and I were not on the same page about adoption and I respect his feelings. It’s a hard thing to go through and the grief probably lasts forever in a way.

Your question was, does it get better? Yes, it does. Some things—a new baby in the family—are still hard. I wouldn’t dream of going to a baby shower. Set limits. It’s like having PTSD after a while.

I live in a traditional part of the country where talking about kids is a common conversational opener. I would be on the verge of tears with the questions, but then I learned to quickly say, ”No, we had infertility, and then we wound up with all these cats!” Topic changes to cats...

Among all the feelings I feel, one is a sense of relief. My best friend’s son died at age 20 of a rare childhood cancer. Several other friends have grown children with disabling mental illness. Infertility was a bad card to draw, but some of my friends have had even sadder roads to travel. I gained some stoicism from this.

It’s true that moms are super busy and many adults don’t make time for friendship. At some point you will want to reinvest your energy in activities that make you happy. Since you’re at a college, you have the option to do more with international students, or community theater or civic chorale, or hiking groups or enrichment classes for adults, like the master gardeners. Many of the Depression Era ladies did not have kids because of the economy and the same thing is happening with the millennials. Artsy people are more poor and dedicated to their own learning and often don’t have kids. Lots of gay people don’t have kids. You might have more in common with people in their 20’s or 60’s. Some of the people my age are super involved with grandkids, but most have moved on to a new stage of life. I have a lot of childless or empty nester friends, and we work on projects together.

I got a lot of comfort from the Resolve boards. I’m sure it’s all different now, but there was a board for “childfree” and many of them were also teachers. It is great to be in a position to be able to nurture others. I especially enjoy teenagers and young adults. I now feel like that was my destiny and I am grateful that my husband and I have been able to help at times of need.

Wishing you peace and gentleness of heart, Violet.

 

[tigertales]

I just came across this incredible, heart wrenching, and yes, uplifting thread an hour ago, so please forgive me for jumping in when I haven't been part of the original conversation.
But I wanted to offer you, Violet, a resource on You Tube, of all places, where a family vlogs their experiences with infertility, IVF, adoption, and the circus that is life with and without children. It's under "Phil and Alex".
Alex is very upfront about her feelings, and the various trials of her fertility journey. You may find some comfort there, as well as detailed medical knowledge ( she is, ironically, a NICU nurse). In one video, Alex describes her immense sadness after having to attend yet another baby shower, and her struggle to be happy for her friend, while just breaking inside.
I once miscarried right after my SIL had a baby, but what hurt especially was my callous MIL who took all the Winnie the Pooh baby things intended for my baby shower, and gave them to my SIL...I had to watch her child play with those toys for years. And my MIL still reminds me to this day.
The comments section is also a treasure trove of input and support. (After many years of IVF, they are JUST NOW pursuing her husband's low sperm count. Honestly, the bias.)
Hugs. and here's the link:

 

[missy]

Yikes! His poor brother! Was he her second choice? (And poor you! What a nasty remark to spoil your happiness!).

Thanks @cmd2014 no, believe it or not she was his first choice as far as I know. She is a real piece of work though. Fake as fake comes and while she comes off as a nice person when you first meet her I saw who she was almost immediately. That is both a blessing and curse actually because (some) people resent my intuitiveness because it exposes them for who they are and it is not always flattering. I saw right through her from the beginning and she knew it.

No worries though as she did not ruin our engagement at all. Greg and I laughed it off and ignored her poor behavior but sadly her attitude and actions never changed for the better and we no longer have contact with her. It took a while to get to that point as we were reluctant to cut off all contact but it eventually was inevitable to eliminate the drama she brought to our lives. It's very sad because it would have been so nice to have a close and friendship relationship with my SIL but because of who she is that could never be. And also sadly her marriage to my BIL is not a happy one and they stay together for their kids (one in college and one soon to be entering college).

I always think happy people are kind people who are nice to others and unhappy people can act miserably and be toxic towards others and I feel for them. But I do not want that kind of negativity or drama or toxic behavior in our lives. Generally I go by the rule show me who you are and I will listen. But with a few exceptions (family and people who I thought were good friends) I might try and try again. But eventually I do listen and take the actions necessary for peace (and peace of mind) in our lives.


To all of you enduring challenges and personal struggles I am sending you bucketloads of good wishes and gentle hugs. You are brave and courageous and strong and you will come out of this on the other side stronger and happier. (((Hugs))).

 

[Ladygrey]

I read this thread yesterday but it brought up such strong memories and feelings that I had to leave it a day before replying.... Needless to say, I totally relate! I have fertility issues that I was born with, so I always knew that I probably wouldn't have biological children. Not being able to share biological parenthood with my beloved husband is one of the great griefs of my life, and for years I thought it woukd always define me. I've learned that you don't get to choose how much this kind of loss will upset you. I didn't want to be the kind of person who was obsessed with babies - I'm a fairly ambitious, driven woman - but for a few years I was absolutely swallowed by grief. I spent a long time feeling so guilty about feeling that way - particularly about not feeling overjoyed for all my many friends who were having babies. I wanted to not care, but everything in life (friendships, family, church, even work) seemed to make it hurt worse and everything that everyone above has already said just rubbed me until I was raw. At one point my boss was pregnant and she woukd give me weekly updates on what fruit the baby was the same size as (now it's a pea! A grape! A mango! A pineapple! Etc) and I had to sit there and not think about my nonexistent chances of ever having a child. At one point *every single one* of my sisters in law AND my sister were all pregnant, all at once, except for me, and I thought I would never, ever be able to to a family gathering again without crying.

Did I mention I can relate?

Knowing I probably wouldn't carry a child was a really hard thing to know about myself from so young, but in one way we were lucky (although it certainly didn't feel like it). Because the issues I had were so clear cut, it forced my husband and I to face it squarely and make a plan. I now know quite a lot of people who have had fertility issues, and I'm convinced that there are lots of ways to be happy in the aftermath. The only ones I know who have really big regrets (not grief, but regrets) are the ones who drifted into doing nothing because they didn't ever actually make a decision. I think childlessness can he a really healthy and happy outcome, for those who decide that is their best option. I have a friend who is doing an embryo donation pregnancy, and that's great too. We adopted, so obviously I think that's the best way to have a family because my kids are wonderful, exhausting humans who I love beyond measure and I can't imagine being without them. But whatever you decide, it's one hundred percent worth the hard conversations and tears and messiness to know that you and your spouse are on the same path.

I have lots more I could say but mostly I just wanted to send you a hug. This is hard, hard, hard. I thought I would never really stop feeling sad about it, and adoption doesn't make all that other grief magically disappear. Also, adoption parenting is no cakewalk! These precious kids have already been through so much. However, sometime in the last few years I found that I could be genuinely *joyful* when I hear about other people's babies. Who'd have guessed? Not me. I hope you can tell from the number of people who have replied that you are far from alone.
Xxx

 

[Sparkles88]

I’m just catching up on this thread and tears are literally falling onto my key board as I type. I wish I could give you all big hugs, I know we are all strangers but we share something that’s so personal and intimate.

I know I am one of the lucky ones, because even after you’ve jumped through the hoops in the long and emotional process of adopting, you may never be matched with a child. For us, adoption gave us a little bit of control back, the chance of IVF being successful was so minuscule. I needed to do all I could to pursue my dream of having a family so I didn’t have any regrets in the future and I’m so grateful my DH felt the same way.

To all the strong, courageous women out there dealing with infertility, know that you are not alone as it can certainly feel that way. No one really understands unless you’ve been there Xx

 

[violet3]

I'm going to come back later tonight after work to reply individually, but I want to say thank you to the posters who commented today to this thread - I was really hesitant to post this thread, because it was so personal and we don't know each other in real life. I am SO glad I did though, because it has given me great comfort to know I'm not alone in this journey. I too, have tears of gratitude in my eyes as I write this, so thank you.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,
I have known two women who were infertile and tried IVF. Both women were successful and had their child and children. One was my niece who had her child at age 46, the other a friend of a neighbor who used to come by to visit. Now, in reading this thread many of are hurt by your parents or in-laws asking when are going to have a child. In my family or experience with friends we would be told that there is a problem. How can you expect support if you don't tell people that you have a problem. Sure you can say its nobody's business, but when people get married the majority want children and in the normal course of life I don't think its unusual for people to ask, and listen to the answer.

In our family, and we have our difficulties, we were all involved in my nieces journey, thru two IFV doctors, to loans being taken out for treatments(12,000) hospitalizations, advise given, and true interest in the progression. Photos showing stomach size were sent around. She had support from us all. I don't see how you can mitigate the hurt and pain you feel, if you don't share with those others in your life that could help you. You might have real arms thrown around you for hugs, for most people do care about issues like this. I would tell family and friends. Violet, lovely name, I hope you do feel better.

Annette

 

[Jambalaya]

I think it depends what kind of family you have as to whether you can share like that. Some families would be supportive, others not so much. It's difficult to open up if your in-laws or your own family are pushy, rude, or insensitive.

ETA: Personally, I feel that this is something so private and intimate, especially for a woman, that it should be between husband and wife. But evidently, not everyone feels that way. Many people DO want privacy on this issue, and some people don't want others to feel sorry for them. BUT, if people want to share, great! And if they want to, they will, without being questioned.

Seems to me a lot of pain could be avoided by nosy people keeping their big mouths shut!

 

[cmd2014]

Sometimes people do know and are still not able to be supportive. Sometimes you're just not ready to talk about it. Sometimes your partner is not ready to talk about it. Sometimes people aren't safe to tell. Sometimes one of you is in denial and just wants to believe that "it will happen soon anyway" and then there will be nothing to tell. Or worse, there is sometimes worry that there might be feelings of resentment towards the person who has the problem. I have had my fair share of this directed at me. People are not shy about telling my husband that if he really wants children, it's not too late for him. I'm assuming that this means that he should get rid of me and give it another go with someone new (or maybe they are suggesting that we should have some sordid baby daddy situation happening here...it's honestly hard to tell sometimes). People are also not shy about telling me how easy surrogacy/adoption/foster parenting is (when they just don't know)...so after a while, you stop wanting to share.

I think in an ideal world it would be nice to be open and to have everyone support you. But I also know we don't live in an ideal world...

 

[violet3]

Hi,
I have known two women who were infertile and tried IVF. Both women were successful and had their child and children. One was my niece who had her child at age 46, the other a friend of a neighbor who used to come by to visit. Now, in reading this thread many of are hurt by your parents or in-laws asking when are going to have a child. In my family or experience with friends we would be told that there is a problem. How can you expect support if you don't tell people that you have a problem. Sure you can say its nobody's business, but when people get married the majority want children and in the normal course of life I don't think its unusual for people to ask, and listen to the answer.

In our family, and we have our difficulties, we were all involved in my nieces journey, thru two IFV doctors, to loans being taken out for treatments(12,000) hospitalizations, advise given, and true interest in the progression. Photos showing stomach size were sent around. She had support from us all. I don't see how you can mitigate the hurt and pain you feel, if you don't share with those others in your life that could help you. You might have real arms thrown around you for hugs, for most people do care about issues like this. I would tell family and friends. Violet, lovely name, I hope you do feel better.

Annette

Thank you Annette. Just to be clear, my friends and family do know about the hurt and pain I feel, except my mom who was mentally unwell, alcoholic, and died a couple of years ago from that in the middle of it all. She never knew, because I was taking care of her for about 10 years, as opposed to the other way around. I don't think she ever even knew I was trying to have a child, because that is how unwell she was. Everyone else in my family knows - my dad, my 3 siblings, and my aunt (my mom's sister) all know.

It's my husband's family that does not know, and there are several reasons I don't tell them. #1, they're not my family to tell, and #2, I don't think they'd throw their real arms around me for a hug anyway, nor would I want them to. They're not those kind of people, sadly. I hope this response does not sound angry, because I'm not. There are a million reasons someone might not want to tell those closest to them, particularly when they are not kind and generous and supportive as you describe your family to be.

 

[MissyBeaucoup]

Infertility is very stigmatized as an illness. It’s hard for both men and women in different ways. I really wanted my privacy while we were going through medical treatment because it was so personal and painful. Well meaning people often said the wrong things, or kind things badly timed.

Now that we are on the other side of it, I make a point of telling people. No medical details, no discussion of why we didn’t try to adopt, no dwelling on it—just “Hey, we’re some of the ones this happened to; it’s more common than maybe you think.”

One of the features of our culture is that people assume if you try hard enough, everything will work out for you. My friend whose son died of cancer was told to pray harder and God would give her a miracle. Life doesn’t always go as we plan. I hope people will be kinder and more aware.

Blessings to everyone reading this thread.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I just want to offer my sympathy and I dust and hugs to all of you! I have seen so many of my friends struggle with infertility in various forms and this very hard. Every situation is different and only the couple involved knows what's best for them. I hope I have known when to step back and give my struggling friends more room when I sensed that my pregnancies might open wounds without making them feel left out. I really hope so and can say that I am as close to the childless ones now as I am to the ones with children.

I just can't help myself and need to say : toxic people will always find a way to hurt you. It's not about you. It's about THEM. You can never make it right in their eyes. Unfortunately many of them are really good at finding the most hurtful thing to say in a difficult situation. This really sucks. Don't let the nastiness get to you (I know, it's hard, I am working on it myself). (((hugs)))

 

[Austina]

From our point of view, the month after month of disappointment was nobody else’s business. We didn’t want sympathy from nosy people wanting to know our business, or asking how things were going. It was enough pressure having tests, without having to keep other people in the loop.

I don’t know if that’s how other people felt about it, but if people are going to make comments, they should think first before making assumptions.

 

[seaurchin]

Just a note here about the US foster/adoption system. While I wouldn't discount anyone else's experience with them, if anyone is interested, I'd be sure check it out yourself. There are many children who need permanent homes and I found the government actually very motivated to place them. And yes, I am speaking from experience, although mine was awhile back. (The rules vary by state and keep changing).

It took a few months to get certified to foster/adopt. After that, a pre-schooler who was available for adoption was placed in my home within a month. I didn't adopt (I already had children of my own etc.) but I was first in line if I had wanted to and would have continued to get the foster care payments and some other benefits until the child was grown, even after the adoption was finalized. Others in my foster/adopt class had the same type of experiences. The only hard rule I recall was that you (or your spouse, if any) couldn't have a serious criminal record.

So if anyone is interested, I'd definitely look up the current rules in your state.

 

[seaurchin]

About people saying stupid things...lol. Someone really needs to write a book. When I had a miscarriage, I recall being "helpfully" questioned about what I may have done to cause it, in order to prevent it from happening again (and no, I was not at all the type who engaged in risky behavior while pregnant). I knew someone whose grown child committed suicide and she was told it was all for the best. I mean you couldn't make up some of this stuff!

 

[missy]

About people saying stupid things...lol. When I had a miscarriage, I recall being "helpfully" questioned about what I may have done to cause it in order to prevent it from happening again (and no, I was not at all the type who engaged in risky behavior while pregnant). I had a friend whose child committed suicide and she was told it was all for the best. I mean you couldn't make up some of this stuff!

OMG yes that brings back memories. My dear sister, who all her life wanted children from when she was a child herself, went through a challenging pregnancy with her youngest. At one point during her pregnancy the doctors thought the baby might be brain damaged due to swelling of the brain. Anyway our uncle (he was well meaning but made an incredibly insensitive comment) said to her well, you can always abort. Now my entire family including my sister are 100% pro choice but my sister personally would never have an abortion and that is her choice. And to say something like that to her during such a stressful time and knowing how much she always wanted children was truly the height of insensitivity. But you know that saying about the road to hell being paved with good intentions. Yup. The story has a happy ending though and my niece was born healthy with just a speech impediment which she has overcome. She is brilliant and always the very top of her class. She takes after my sister that way.

My point is there is no limit on foolish and insensitive comments and many of them come from well meaning loved ones.

 

[liaerfbv]

This isn't directed at anyone in particular, but as someone who struggled to conceive for 10 years, trust me, when someone can't have kids naturally and is expressing sadness, offering suggestions to adopt, foster, etc IS NOT HELPFUL. We all know what the alternatives to biological children is. Having children by alternative means is awesome for those that want that, can afford that, etc. There's really no other response other than: I'm sorry you're feeling this pain and going through it. Telling someone having children is hard in response infertility discussions is very very shitty.

 

[pearlsngems]

... I'm sorry you're feeling this pain and going through it.

This is an excellent response to any number of difficulties people are going through.

 

[MissyBeaucoup]

About other people’s assumptions:

I know some really great adoptive parents and some really fantastic adopted kids. But it’s not true that people with infertility are automatically well suited to be adoptive parents. For one thing, we might be exhausted and not emotionally ready for the challenges. Some of the best adoptive parents I know were already parents when they adopted. Anyway, it’s kind of a personal thing.

It always hurt my feelings when well-meaning colleagues would bring up adoption. My husband really didn’t feel drawn to it, which was his right, but I was afraid it would make him look selfish in their eyes. To protect him, I kept quiet, but I felt their intrusiveness was coming between us. Infertility puts a lot of stress on a couple, especially as men and women experience it so differently. I am very grateful for my marriage, which is one of the biggest blessings in my life.

Whatever your blessings are—I hope everyone has some—count them, and cherish them. <3

 

[cokitty]

Missy's last thread on life challenges had me thinking. I was unable to have children, and it made my 30s a really sad time, as nearly all of my friends, and all of my siblings grew their families. Are there other PSers on her who can relate, and if so, how do you deal with this sadness? Does it get better or easier with time? Are there things I could or should be doing to make this easier on myself?

I'm 42, and my youngest brother (37) just had a baby, so it has reopened this pain for me in a pretty major way. I'm now the only one of my 4 siblings without children. I try to be graceful about it, but it's really hard. I actually was shocked at just how painful it was when they had the baby last week - I work with my therapist pretty regularly on this topic, but it feels like I just took several steps backward since the new baby arrived. I also feel like a rotten sister, because something so joyful for my brother has made me so profoundly sad.

If anyone can relate, or has any advice to give, I'd love to hear it

@violet3 I dont have children, but I do understand the desire to build a family. There are many paths to building a family. As an embryologist I see women you age and older start their families and I have friends who dont believe in IVF.
If you ever had questions about what IVF is or how the process works or who to go see in your area you can have Ella shot you my email address. Even if you cannot grow your own embryos there are groups that help locate donor embryos for people who need them. There are also amazing support groups in most of the major metropolitan areas in the United States for women who have these issues and concerns, a few like fertlitalk, are even online.

You are not a rotten sister or a rotten person. You are a woman being in a complicated situation. I will be praying for, and praying that you find your peace.

 

[AGBF]

A couple I know had a baby for the best friend of the woman. They gave it to her to adopt. The biological father, who has several other children, but none with the woman who bore this baby, is this baby's godfather. All is well. Different people make families different ways, I was very impressed by this couple's selflessness.