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Someone using your ideas...

Begonia

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This is a common problem but I’m hoping someone will help me reframe my thoughts about a friend casually adopting my ideas for reform at work. I know no idea is an original but I still can’t help the feeling of being stolen from.

I have a co-worker who has become a friend outside of work. We have become quite good friends over the past 2 years. We used to do several components of our work together, but I’ve since moved into a different department. Without giving too much specific info, we both were involved in a special skill work area that our company is ignoring and critically needs some changes to happen. I used to take care of those areas on my own initiative. Beyond the training for the special skill, I was self taught on most areas (of the special skill) within the company on how to handle just about everything. I’m a quiet introvert but quickly became the go-to girl and earned that respect through several years of disrespect and shaming within the company. She experienced the same thing, being several years behind me in hiring and I mentored her throughout so she could avoid many of the hardships I faced. It was hard but I persevered. Recently I’ve moved into a different division and no longer do much of the special skill, but am still keenly interested in it.

My co-worker friend and I have talked endlessly about how to improve working conditions of that skill. We have met outside of work and she has many many great ideas of her own. As do I. I’ve been called generous with my knowledge and am always willing to help a sister out. Throughout the 2 years, she has consistently presented many of my ideas as her own when meeting with company management. It has happened again, yesterday. I’m mostly (?) fine with it, but there is a little part inside that wishes she would (at least) acknowledge to me that it was a good idea and she is moving forward with it? I’m wondering if our friendship is based on these brain storming sessions that generate great ideas?

I do value her friendship but there is a seed of resentment inside of me that is hard to ignore. My husband suggests that I just listen but stop giving her ideas. That is an option, but we are friends and I do like to help. So I’m torn about how to think about this. I recognize and fight ego related issues in my life and know this is likely an ego thing. Yet the feelings persist.
I’m hoping someone can give me some wisdom: should I stop feeding ideas or find a way to deal with my ego? I don’t think discussing this with her is an option - it’s a long story but the change will have to be on my side.
 
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missy

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Begonia, I understand you consider her a friend but I would ask myself is she treating you as a friend and "sister" should? My answer here is no. I am speaking from my perspective only. A friend would not take credit for her friend's ideas without asking permission first and honestly even then I would be a bit taken aback but at least ask. There is a good reason you are feeling resentment.

I agree with your dh. If you value her friendship then just stop feeding her ideas and see if she values you as much as you do her. See my wisdom thread on life lessons.

Sending you good wishes and hugs. You deserve all the respect and credit at work and good for you for coming so far.:appl:Don't give away what you have worked so hard for and earned.
 

JPie

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I agree with your husband. I don't see it as a matter of ego; she's basically building her career and reputation by presenting your ideas as her own. Whether that's her intent is irrelevant; you have your own career to build and there's really no good reason to give good ideas away without getting the credit you deserve.
 

bludiva

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It's not ok what she is doing. She may even believe she came up with or contributed to these ideas but it is still just wrong. The difficulty is calling it out and putting an end to it in a way that does not come across as petty. If you're in these meetings, is there an opportunity to say something like : We talked about a very similar idea for xyz a few mo ths ago, and there were sone other ideas I had that would be valuable here. Or if not, can you meet with management and say so.something like, I see you're interested in xyz, this idea came from a discussion a few minths ago and here are sone others that you may also find useful...

Good luck. One of the things I can't stand about most workplaces is this kind of politicking.
 

Begonia

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Thank you missy!

I’m going to do just that. See if our friendship can be based on something other than work. I’m glad you are here to bounce ideas off of!
 
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missy

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Thank you missy!

I’m going to do just that. See if our friendship can be based on something other than work. I’m glad you are here to bounce ideas off of

Good luck Begonia! I am always here for you. (((Hugs))).
 

Begonia

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Thank you JPie!

It sure looks like it .
I’m going to stop letting her pick my brain .
 

Begonia

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Thank you bludiva!

Right? I’m great with the idea part (I’m a problem-solver) but not so great with the politics LOL. I’ll try to do just that if the situation arises. Regardless, the ideas stop.
 

OoohShiny

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Office politics is always such a drain on our limited energy that we could spend doing something constructive and beneficial :(

In a way it does not matter too much if you have moved off the section and you don't have a forum to present the ideas directly to management, as if that was the case, all your good ideas would be going to waste, but I do agree with the other comments - no-one should steal someone else's ideas and pass them off as their own!

I always try to credit when credit is due (either at work or by inserting relevant links I've found information from on a forum) as we should respect others' intellectual property as we would hope they respect ours!

I hope you can reframe your relationship and perhaps move on from just work things - and if she's also a bit sneaky in that life as well...? Well, you know what to do ;-) :lol:
 

smitcompton

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Hi,

Perhaps I may have misunderstood your situation, but I believe you are no longer involved in the area that your friend is involved in. Do you expect that she should go in to her job where you are no longer involved and give you credit by name. Honestly, this makes no sense to me. I have discussed my work problems with other people, some within the company, some not company affiliated, and If someone has a good idea and I bring it up, I would not think to say that this idea came from "x". These people have no position in my work area. Should I say, "that idea came from my brother", or"I got this idea from Cecily in the tech department".

If you were directly involved in her area, of course you would expect credit. You could just kid her and say, I hope you mentioned the idea came from me". But I think she would look at you, without understanding, as I would.

Sharing ideas are what friends do who are interested in each other. But, giving credit to you on her job seems unusual. If the company has a suggestion box, you could use that avenue for credit.

Annette
 

bludiva

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Hi,

Perhaps I may have misunderstood your situation, but I believe you are no longer involved in the area that your friend is involved in. Do you expect that she should go in to her job where you are no longer involved and give you credit by name. Honestly, this makes no sense to me. I have discussed my work problems with other people, some within the company, some not company affiliated, and If someone has a good idea and I bring it up, I would not think to say that this idea came from "x". These people have no position in my work area. Should I say, "that idea came from my brother", or"I got this idea from Cecily in the tech department".

If you were directly involved in her area, of course you would expect credit. You could just kid her and say, I hope you mentioned the idea came from me". But I think she would look at you, without understanding, as I would.

Sharing ideas are what friends do who are interested in each other. But, giving credit to you on her job seems unusual. If the company has a suggestion box, you could use that avenue for credit.

Annette

I disagree with this because it sounds luke the OP has the greater expertise in the special skill area and mentored her friend. It would have been very simple for the friend to say something to maintain integrity like, as you know OP in X department is very skilled in this area also and we developed some ideas for ABC.
 

Begonia

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No - I think I was pretty clear about that. I do not expect her to give me credit for an area I’m no longer in. Although when I was in the same area, the same things happened. Read my post again smitcompton and you’ll see I said this about how I’m feeling about ideas consistently being used.
I also addressed my wanting to help my friends where possible?? Either I communicated poorly or you missed the intention of my post.
 

House Cat

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You asked for a reframe.

Maybe this friend thought you weren’t emotionally invested in these ideas because you have moved on to another field. You said yourself that you like to help a sister out, if this help is during casual coverations, maybe the line of where credit is due is ambiguous. When you help while expecting something in return, even if it is credit for your help, that is no longer help you are bestowing upon another, but a debt.
 

junebug17

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I think I'm a little unclear about what you would like to have happen? In @smitcompton's defense, it does kind of sound like you would like credit for these ideas in some way. I re-read your post, and it sounds like you want this friend to acknowledge that these ideas are yours, and compliment you on them? Is that right? Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter, something about the situation is bothering you so I would just stop giving her ideas.
 

AV_

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Well, yes, the mentored are in debt & it is not fashionable to acknowledge so it isn't. I find the burden to stand to be at least half of the sum total, so I am not often inclined to call out that debt.

Can you insert yourself into a proposal? I expect your friend will be glad.
 

House Cat

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No - I think I was pretty clear about that. I do not expect her to give me credit for an area I’m no longer in. Although when I was in the same area, the same things happened. Read my post again smitcompton and you’ll see I said this about how I’m feeling about ideas consistently being used.
I also addressed my wanting to help my friends where possible?? Either I communicated poorly or you missed the intention of my post.
Hi B,

So I am unclear too.

Wouldn’t it be strange for your friend to give you credit in any professional capacity if the conversation between you and your friend was informal, not during work hours or a meeting of any kind, and there was no disclaimer given that this was expected? Also, your friend would look incompetent to say that she got her ideas from you.

If this is your field and these are your ideas, why aren’t you telling her that you would like to present these as your own?

I guess I need more clarification as to why you are upset.

Did you just need her to thank you personally for the help? Are there other areas of the friendship that are leaving you feeling used?
 

GliderPoss

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I understand the frustration of stolen ideas with no credit but I agree, unless you are still working in that area she is unlikely to credit you publicly as it may reflect badly upon her. It would be nice if she were to at least thank you personally for your ideas and assistance. If you feel used, stop giving her ideas and just see if the friendship continues to flourish regardless...
 

smitcompton

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Hi,

I did re-read your post and I think I have it now. You want her to acknowledge that the ideas, that are yours, are really good, so good that she has brought them to management. She, herself is not giving you credit for what she has taken from you. This I understand can make you feel bad. I do agree that she should say, "What a great idea, I think I will propose that to management."

If I may ask, how do you know what ideas she has given to management? If she gives you no credit personally, I agree with your husband that you stop sharing your ideas with her. If you are brave you could just ask her why she doesn't say thanks once in a while. I suspect your conversations allow her to pick your brain without consequence. Its a free ride, particularly if she doesn't acknowledge your contribution. I don't see this as malice or a failing friendship. She just takes what is discussed and it become hers. If this bothers you, you may have to forgo those conversations ,that you also like.

On the other hand perhaps improving that area is satisfaction in itself. You have learned how to think. You are exercising your brain and become a good problem solver. That's pretty good in my book. Think it through.

MY Best---Annette
 

Begonia

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Just got home from work, but thanks for your replies.

I have no expectation of her giving me credit publicly. I felt the seed of resentment growing and realized I was hoping she would just acknowledge between us that they were good enough to move forward on. Then I questioned that expectation. Friends share. So I’ve gone around like this for a couple of years as it crops up, which it did yesterday. So I posted. Your feedback reinforces to me that we all see or receive the world so differently. I’m in a process of questioning the voices in my head. While your feedback has been interesting, I’m going to sleep and pray on it further. The right approach/outlook is within me.

Again, thank you all.

Good night.
 

seaurchin

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Sorry so late to the discussion. I think there's a mismatch in attitudes here and that's what you're picking up on. It sounds like you are being open and friendly and she is responding in a manner that seems withholding and competitive. What I'm wondering is why.
 

House Cat

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Hugs B, I know you said you were going to sleep on it and pray on it further. Ultimately, you do need to do what feels best for you, regardless of what anyone else says. I’ve had to walk away from friendships where people told me not to take things so seriously. I knew in my heart that their behavior was hurting me and for me, that was a deal breaker.
 

Austina

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I personally wouldn’t take credit for someone else’s idea. I don’t think it matters whether you’re in the same department any longer or not. If she’s building her career based on your good ideas, then at some point, she’ll get found out if you stop providing them.

I understand why it would bother you, it would bother me too, it’s not that your expecting some huge gratitude, but you’re wondering if she’s just using your friendship to pick your brains, is that right?
 

ame

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I absolutely would stop giving her any ideas. Just listen to hers, say yea that's great. It almost sounds as though she's become reliant on your "friendship" for professional advancement.
 
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