So conflicted about my ring.

[arkieb1]

I'm writing an update because a year and a half later, I'm still agonizing about this engagement ring. As before, I feel terrible when I wear it--because I don't like the ring--and I feel even more terrible from the guilt of not liking it.

To make matters worse, everyone around me, especially people getting engaged, are receiving gorgeous rings. My husband even went with his friend to help choose a ring for his friend's girlfriend, and my husband chose the ring! Of course it was much nicer, larger, etc. than the one he chose for me. And he was so proud of himself for picking it out.

I just feel so sad looking at all these amazing diamonds on this website, and feeling like I'll never have one of my own that I love. My husband actually took me to a jewelry store to buy a new band, but I couldn't bring myself to get one because the band isn't the only problem--it's the diamond too.

Ugh. Everyone here is so sweet and positive, and you seem to understand that wanting a nice ring you love doesn't make you a bad person. So I just wanted to commiserate. Thanks for listening.

Some men don't get it. I married a man that didn't get it, probably still doesn't get it. We both went through years of angst because he bought me an engagement ring with a dark red oval ruby centre and two pear diamonds so I three stone engagement ring without asking me in a style I don't like. His mother who works in the trade picked out the ruby, and I being a gemstone geek all my life don't like it either because it's too dark and the setting it's set it makes it look even darker. He thought being a gemstone geek I would love it way more than a simple single diamond or a large diamond ring.

We spent years of contention and in the same cycle of him feeling bad he was told he got it so badly wrong, me feeling guilty that I told him that I hated the ring and so on. Then I just bought a number of diamonds and upgraded until I was happy. To be honest I think he felt bad I even needed to do this, men don't like to be told they did a bad job of something so if I was you I would say that it's common for women to upgrade after being married for a while, what he purchased was fine when you got married and when he thought that was what you wanted, but now you want something else. Make it all about you not about him. That's what I would have done differently tried to spare his feelings a little bit more while still ultimately getting what I wanted.

 

[GliderPoss]

I’d just recut & reset the existing diamond. Pick a design and just go for it!

 

[pearaffair]

Find a way to explain it to your DH that would make sense to him. Would he expect you to have the same haircut for the rest your life? Why would he then expect you to have the same ring?

Or... maybe you get it reset into the setting of your dreams. And get the stone recut by Brian Gavin (secretly?).

I have changed my wedding set five times this week
My DH doesn’t mind. He’s just happy I wear something on that finger!

 

[Maisie]

I’m really confused here. Susan, why aren’t you answering any of the questions put to you?

People have asked for more info about your current ring.

They have asked what kind of ring you would like.

You’ve been asked about a budget.

What exactly do you wish to achieve from this thread? So many people are willing to help you here. Are you afraid of your husband? What will happen if you speak to him again about changing your ring? You’ve just bought him a brand new car (cash) so it’s clear he doesn’t mind money being spent on him.

Why don’t you just answer the questions put to you so we can help you work out how to move forward. Your feelings of resentment haven’t gone away over the last 4 years. In fact it seems they are growing. If you can’t sit down and discuss this with your husband I wonder if there is a communication problem in your marriage? I can tell my husband anything. We can talk things over even if one of us has hurt feelings. Can’t you do the same?

 

[elliefire99]

I’m really confused here. Susan, why aren’t you answering any of the questions put to you?

Fair point, but OP has gotten a lot of attention on this post. All warm and well-intentioned, of course, but I imagine that it can be pretty overwhelming! Especially when it is about something so sore and emotionally-charged for her.

Take your time and think about what you want and what is best for you and your husband. Lots of sage and varied advice here and none of it wrong! We will always be here to help you get to whatever will make you happy when the time comes!

Sending best wishes!

 

[rainydaze]

• @Susan Diamonds : the ring your hubby bought reflects his jewellery taste NEITHER HIS LOVE NOR YOUR VALUE

Of course not. However, in reading between the lines (and I may absolutely be reading wrong) the thing that stands out to me is that not only did he not pick out a nice ring for her initially, he then went on to pick out a fabulous ring for another woman, one that his own wife would have loved. He proved he's not clueless, he can pick out a great ring, so why didn't he do that for his own FI/W?

That complicates things. Did he somehow learn more about diamonds between the time he bought for Susan and then helped his friend? Did his friend have very specific details about what his FI wanted that made it easier for Susan's DH to help pick that particular ring out? Did he pick out a better ring for his friend's FI because it wasn't his money so that pressure was off; did his friend have more money for the ring because he wasn't also planning an expensive trip to go along with the proposal? I sure hope it's one of those. However if it were me, I could not help but wonder why he could put that ability into a ring for another woman but not for me. Again, maybe there's a benign answer such as he had no idea Susan cared about a ring and thought the trip would be more important to her, or maybe he believes she is frugal or self-conscious so something that doesn't draw attention whether by performance or size suited her best. Maybe his friend's FI is super flashy and showy, and Susan is not, so he got rings that suited each of their perceived tastes, only he has no idea he missed the mark with his wife.

Or maybe he was not as excited to make sure he got her a ring that would knock her socks of as he was to do it for someone else. Maybe it did have something to do with how he feels about her, or maybe it says something about how he feels about her, subconsciously.

It seems very possible that this is why Susan is afraid to broach the subject with him. It could end up being a discussion about more than just a ring, and that is much scarier territory.

Susan, I hope you find a path to peace with this conundrum. And I hope it's as simple as making him aware of your feelings and having him be receptive, such that you get a happy ending on all counts!

 

[Maisie]

I would be interested in knowing where he helped his friend buy the ring. If it was one of the big names - Tiffany, Cartier, Harry Winston etc - he couldn’t have gone wrong. He would have been choosing a ring from a high end company. You don’t need to put a lot of thought in there, you would just pick a pretty design.

 

[partgypsy]

Rainy daze I think you are way over reading it. For one her husband was planning both a proposal (in another country) and buying a ring in that country. His budget, time, and options were probably more limited than the situation helping his friend. And he did pick out what he thought was a beautiful, high quality ring (d color, platinum setting), but it wasn't to her taste. Plus as someone else said people are always freerer spending someone else's money.

 

[bludiva]

Rainy daze I think you are way over reading it. For one her husband was planning both a proposal (in another country) and buying a ring in that country. His budget, time, and options were probably more limited than the situation helping his friend. And he did pick out what he thought was a beautiful, high quality ring (d color, platinum setting), but it wasn't to her taste. Plus as someone else said people are always freerer spending someone else's money.

i think a lot of us are trying to fill in the blanks and may be overreading... at the end of the day we don't know the situation and the OP stated she just wanted a safe space to vent & if that's all she wants to do that's ok!

 

[Susan Diamonds]

Of course not. However, in reading between the lines (and I may absolutely be reading wrong) the thing that stands out to me is that not only did he not pick out a nice ring for her initially, he then went on to pick out a fabulous ring for another woman, one that his own wife would have loved. He proved he's not clueless, he can pick out a great ring, so why didn't he do that for his own FI/W?

That complicates things. Did he somehow learn more about diamonds between the time he bought for Susan and then helped his friend? Did his friend have very specific details about what his FI wanted that made it easier for Susan's DH to help pick that particular ring out? Did he pick out a better ring for his friend's FI because it wasn't his money so that pressure was off; did his friend have more money for the ring because he wasn't also planning an expensive trip to go along with the proposal? I sure hope it's one of those. However if it were me, I could not help but wonder why he could put that ability into a ring for another woman but not for me. Again, maybe there's a benign answer such as he had no idea Susan cared about a ring and thought the trip would be more important to her, or maybe he believes she is frugal or self-conscious so something that doesn't draw attention whether by performance or size suited her best. Maybe his friend's FI is super flashy and showy, and Susan is not, so he got rings that suited each of their perceived tastes, only he has no idea he missed the mark with his wife.

Or maybe he was not as excited to make sure he got her a ring that would knock her socks of as he was to do it for someone else. Maybe it did have something to do with how he feels about her, or maybe it says something about how he feels about her, subconsciously.

It seems very possible that this is why Susan is afraid to broach the subject with him. It could end up being a discussion about more than just a ring, and that is much scarier territory.

Susan, I hope you find a path to peace with this conundrum. And I hope it's as simple as making him aware of your feelings and having him be receptive, such that you get a happy ending on all counts!

Thanks for your message. I too wonder if there is some deeper meaning behind my husband’s ring choice—i.e. did he choose a simple, average ring because he sees me as an average woman, not worthy of something more special? Of course, I hope this is not the case.

 

[Susan Diamonds]

I’m really confused here. Susan, why aren’t you answering any of the questions put to you?

People have asked for more info about your current ring.

They have asked what kind of ring you would like.

You’ve been asked about a budget.

What exactly do you wish to achieve from this thread? So many people are willing to help you here. Are you afraid of your husband? What will happen if you speak to him again about changing your ring? You’ve just bought him a brand new car (cash) so it’s clear he doesn’t mind money being spent on him.

Why don’t you just answer the questions put to you so we can help you work out how to move forward. Your feelings of resentment haven’t gone away over the last 4 years. In fact it seems they are growing. If you can’t sit down and discuss this with your husband I wonder if there is a communication problem in your marriage? I can tell my husband anything. We can talk things over even if one of us has hurt feelings. Can’t you do the same?

Thanks for your message. I sincerely appreciate all the feedback I’ve received. I am reading and processing all the thoughtful messages that so many of you have taken the time to share. You all have provided me comfort, along with ideas of how to eventually get passed this issue. My feelings about it are complicated, however, so it is taking me a little time to process all your kind and thoughtful feedback.

 

[Susan Diamonds]

I would be interested in knowing where he helped his friend buy the ring. If it was one of the big names - Tiffany, Cartier, Harry Winston etc - he couldn’t have gone wrong. He would have been choosing a ring from a high end company. You don’t need to put a lot of thought in there, you would just pick a pretty design.

He bought the ring with his friend, and his friend’s father, at a high-quality local jeweler. Afterward, he told me he KNEW it was the right ring when he saw it, and that he liked it because it looked really IMPRESSIVE. Then he told me not to be jealous. I’m quite certain he knew I would be. Then, a few weeks later, he told me he wanted to buy me a new setting for my ring. We went to look at settings together, but nothing looked right. More importantly, a new setting wouldn’t solve the bigger issue of me not liking the center stone. I felt a lump in my throat the entire time we were at the jewelry store, and told him later there was nothing I liked.

Of course, this would have been the PERFECT opportunity to say I’d rather replace the center stone, but I didn’t want to upset my husband or seem ungrateful. I got the strong sense that replacing the center stone was not something he would want me to do, so I just didn’t say anything, and kept my setting. I supposed I could just get a new setting, but it wouldn’t make me happier, so I don’t really want to go through all the effort.

 

[Susan Diamonds]

I have a feeling part of the problem is she wants HIM to pick a ring as nice as he picked for someone else. I understand that. Maybe have him get a new halo setting that makes it look bigger or have him pick a new diamond that is bigger. I doubt he is driving a car you picked that he hates.

Right. This is exactly how I feel. I looked at some halo settings, and was not in love, but perhaps I’ll look again. But what I really want is a nicer diamond.

 

[Susan Diamonds]

Girlfriend, what kind of diamond do you want? Shape? Carat? Let’s find you a ring!

I’m not sure I’m ready to buy a completely new ring for myself, but I will start looking and will not take any major steps without consulting all you experts.

 

[JPie]

Of course, this would have been the PERFECT opportunity to say I’d rather replace the center stone, but I didn’t want to upset my husband or seem ungrateful. I got the strong sense that replacing the center stone was not something he would want me to do, so I just didn’t say anything, and kept my setting. I supposed I could just get a new setting, but it wouldn’t make me happier, so I don’t really want to go through all the effort.

I don't think the problem is that your husband picked an engagement ring that you didn't like. The real issue is that you'd rather let your resentment fester and grow for four years instead having an open and honest conversation with him. The man literally took you to a jewelry store in an attempt to find something you like, and you chose to make assumptions about his feelings and walk out disappointed instead of working with him on a solution.

I would strongly urge you to consider counseling either individually or as a couple so you can learn to better communicate with him.

I know this sounds really harsh, but I honestly don't think I'd be doing you any favors by sidestepping this.

 

[Starfacet]

Right. This is exactly how I feel. I looked at some halo settings, and was not in love, but perhaps I’ll look again. But what I really want is a nicer diamond.

Now that you've identified this, it's time to be honest with hubby, especially since he took you to a jeweler to look at settings. Start with a new stone and go from there.

 

[vintageloves]

Afterward, he told me he KNEW it was the right ring when he saw it, and that he liked it because it looked really IMPRESSIVE. Then he told me not to be jealous. I’m quite certain he knew I would be. Then, a few weeks later, he told me he wanted to buy me a new setting for my ring.

It easy to look at this negatively, but it's probably more a case of a man who has learned his lesson. When he bought your ring, he had council from a jeweler who insisted your stone would thrill any woman and he went on that advice. Now, he knows from your reaction that a ring needs to be, as you say, impressive. I think his suggestion of a new setting was trying to make amends in that direction. He misjudged your taste, but he's trying to make it right. Have you seen this impressive ring? If it's something like a double halo, of course he thinks a new setting is the cure to your unhappiness.

I too wonder if there is some deeper meaning behind my husband’s ring choice—i.e. did he choose a simple, average ring because he sees me as an average woman, not worthy of something more special?

This is your husband. You don't think he thinks your special? Ring aside, he doesn't make you feel like you're his soulmate and life partner? Unless he's given you reasons to think he feels so little of you, you're choosing to conflate the size of your ring with how much he loves you. That is not a good road to travel.

I know you're sick of hearing it, but just be honest. If you're 100% sure that nothing short of a new diamond will make you happy, then say so. Your husband isn't suggesting a new setting for his health. He's doing it because he wants to make you happy. He deserves to know what you truly want, and you deserve to express that feeling.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Thanks for your message. I too wonder if there is some deeper meaning behind my husband’s ring choice—i.e. did he choose a simple, average ring because he sees me as an average woman, not worthy of something more special? Of course, I hope this is not the case.

I hope I recall this right, but he bought the ring in Greece, right? I guess it was one of the biggest around in the store. I'm no expert for Greece, but in Europe we generally don't have big diamonds and color is super important,then clarity. Prices are up to 2x higher. Greece is not one of the wealthier countries in Europe . So I personally think he just picked the nicest ring in the store in his budget.

 

[tyty333]

I read most* of this thread but admittedly not all of it so forgive if I'm repeating someone else's idea that's already been expressed.

I think next time he is in a good mood and seems open to conversation you should say that you figured out what you want to do about your ring.
(since you've already been new setting shopping but didnt find anything). Tell him that you want to put the stone in a pendant (hope you dont
already have one) so that you can wear it close to your heart and design a new ring ( obviously with a new diamond) that really suits your personality.
Go ahead and design something at least in your head that you can be excited about. Tell him the center size that you want/hope for.

I would state it all as "fact" like this is what I'm going to do. Speak now or forever hold your peace and see what he has to say.
Tell him that you love the sentiment behind the ring but you'd really like to upgrade the size and design a new setting (David Klass). You can even
create a design that has some greek key motif in it as a nod to his proposal in Greece (how romantic). And FYI...a .7 would be a great size for a pendant.

Get excited about it and just tell him. He can either get on board or not. You got a ring you dont love...quit worrying about why and fix it.

 

[msop04]

I read most* of this thread but admittedly not all of it so forgive if I'm repeating someone else's idea that's already been expressed.

I think next time he is in a good mood and seems open to conversation you should say that you figured out what you want to do about your ring.
(since you've already been new setting shopping but didnt find anything). Tell him that you want to put the stone in a pendant (hope you dont
already have one) so that you can wear it close to your heart and design a new ring ( obviously with a new diamond) that really suits your personality.
Go ahead and design something at least in your head that you can be excited about. Tell him the center size that you want/hope for.

I would state it all as "fact" like this is what I'm going to do. Speak now or forever hold your peace and see what he has to say.
Tell him that you love the sentiment behind the ring but you'd really like to upgrade the size and design a new setting (David Klass). You can even
create a design that has some greek key motif in it as a nod to his proposal in Greece (how romantic). And FYI...a .7 would be a great size for a pendant.

Get excited about it and just tell him. He can either get on board or not. You got a ring you dont love...quit worrying about why and fix it.

So, I've read this entire thread... and this is exactly what I'd do... By calmly being matter of fact about it, it removes all the negative emotions that you may be prone to expressing. Just be cool about it. Tell him you really appreciate his wanting you to get another setting, but you just really didn't know what you wanted at the time. But nowwwww you know... and what you have in mind is with a larger diamond.

I like the idea of the Greek key motif, but something like that could even be placed on the INSIDE of the ring, along with both your initials,the wedding date, proposal date, etc. You could even do the coordinates for the place he proposed... the possibilities are endless. If you think he'd feel paying homage to Greece is a sentimental gesture, then why not ask HIM to come up with something to put inside the ring? This way, he has some say in it... I mean, who cares what he decides?? It'll be inside the ring.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Is time to upgrade the husband!.

 

[telephone89]

I don't think the problem is that your husband picked an engagement ring that you didn't like. The real issue is that you'd rather let your resentment fester and grow for four years instead having an open and honest conversation with him. The man literally took you to a jewelry store in an attempt to find something you like, and you chose to make assumptions about his feelings and walk out disappointed instead of working with him on a solution.

I would strongly urge you to consider counseling either individually or as a couple so you can learn to better communicate with him.

I know this sounds really harsh, but I honestly don't think I'd be doing you any favors by sidestepping this.

Agreed. Reading through this thread I almost got the impression that OP had a martyr complex. The ring is only the tip of the iceberg, and marriage is very difficult without good, proper communication, which the OP clearly lacks.

Susan, you don't *know* that your husband will be opposed to a new stone. He seems open to a new setting so the door is already open. Just tell him "Actually, on second thought, lets go take a look at different stones too. I think I'd like to try something different" and go from there. This thread is 6 pages, 1.5 years long. Stop pouting and start talking!

 

[cmd2014]

But what I really want is a nicer diamond.

Nicer defined how? Some people would define nicer as being of higher colour (D - like you have) and higher clarity (iirc, yours is up there on this front too), in a more expensive setting (platinum is way more expensive than gold).

I think you need to be honest. What you *really* want is a BIGGER ring. A more elaborate setting. Something flashier, even if it means dropping down in colour and clarity. And I agree with previous posters who have pointed out (again and again) that in Europe, where the ring was purchased, colour and clarity are prized, and a bigger diamond in a lower colour/clarity and with a ton of elaborate design features to make it look even more impressive would be considered subpar, and a poor reflection on the person offering it (you would be felt sorry for, because he didn't care enough to buy you a 'good quality' ring and emphasized flash over substance instead). Solitaires are timeless and classic, and many people outside of the US would not consider anything else to be a suitable engagement ring. The jeweler probably pointed him only towards solitaires because Greece is a very traditional place with strong opinions on that front. It is unlikely that they would have even stocked much of what you see in US jewelry stores.

So before you talk to your husband I would suggest defining what you mean by "better." And stop assuming you know what he thinks and how he feels. He probably advised his friend to buy the biggest, splashiest ring he could find based on what he has learned from your reaction to the classic ring that he bought you complete with a diamond that would traditionally be considered "of best quality." And for the love of all things holy, he is *trying* to fix this and you won't let him. He gave you an opening a mild wide to suggest exchanging your center stone for something else. Of course, he may not feel the same way as you about dropping specs to gain size, but that's something for the two of you to discuss and debate and come to an agreement around. Like married couples do about practically everything else in life. But you'll never know unless you give him a chance.

The other thing is that if what you really want is to rewind time and magically get the ring that you think he should have known that you wanted in the first place, then you are not ever going to be happy. You have to choose to be happy, and finding a way to forgive the flaws and foibles of our loved ones is one of those ways. Just like they forgive ours. Holding onto resentment and disappointment is not healthy - not for you and not for your relationship.

 

[Maria D]

He bought the ring with his friend, and his friend’s father, at a high-quality local jeweler. Afterward, he told me he KNEW it was the right ring when he saw it, and that he liked it because it looked really IMPRESSIVE. Then he told me not to be jealous. I’m quite certain he knew I would be. Then, a few weeks later, he told me he wanted to buy me a new setting for my ring. We went to look at settings together, but nothing looked right. More importantly, a new setting wouldn’t solve the bigger issue of me not liking the center stone. I felt a lump in my throat the entire time we were at the jewelry store, and told him later there was nothing I liked.

Of course, this would have been the PERFECT opportunity to say I’d rather replace the center stone, but I didn’t want to upset my husband or seem ungrateful. I got the strong sense that replacing the center stone was not something he would want me to do, so I just didn’t say anything, and kept my setting. I supposed I could just get a new setting, but it wouldn’t make me happier, so I don’t really want to go through all the effort.

I got so many "likes" for my thoughts on The Proposal Ring that I'm going to bring it up again.

Start wearing it. Tell your husband you would never replace The Proposal Ring because you've come to realize and truly appreciate how special and magical the proposal was. You don't want a new setting for it; it shall stay "as is" to forever commemorate The Proposal of a lifetime.

But you do want a really IMPRESSIVE ring. And now that you both know what impressive means in a diamond ring you can both start planning to celebrate a future anniversary (5th sounds like a nice round number) with a new diamond ring.

 

[purplesilk]

Thanks for your message. I too wonder if there is some deeper meaning behind my husband’s ring choice—i.e. did he choose a simple, average ring because he sees me as an average woman, not worthy of something more special? Of course, I hope this is not the case.

Dear Susan,
0.7 ct D in a platinum setting is way way above the average in Europe, so, if I had to judge you from the e-ring you've been given, I would assume that you're a great person and that your husband is crazy in love with you.
I'm European, so let me explain how it works here:

• I know only two women who were given half a carat, which is considered big;
• most of other gals were given smaller diamonds: even a millionaire friend gave his wife a mere 0.2 ct high color high clarity diamond;
• a woman was given a 2 ct diamond and everybody joked about her ring because it was too big and not icy white, so everybody perceived it as poor quality and ostentatious;
• a simple setting is considered timeless and classy;
• platinum is a niche metal, only for richer people.
• referring to a 0.55 ct I own, my jeweller said:" It's a boulder".

I don't know what's going on between you and your husband, but, if it's really only about the ring, ask yourself if it is worth to feel all these bad feelings.

Best to you,
purplesilk

 

[purplesilk]

Options:
if you want you husband to spend money on you, have a frank but gentle conversation
or
buy it yourself.
Anyway
stop complaining and go on with your life.

 

[MarionC]

There is some crazy cultural thing here that brides need a huge rock. It’s sort of awful.
Self esteem tied up in how big a hunk of mineral you have on your finger. What matters is on the inside, and other’s peoples’ posessions and opinions be damned.

 

[purplesilk]

Dear Susan,
you're in good company

 

[Starfacet]

@Susan Diamonds I could be wrong, but I don't think that at this point you necessarily want a bigger diamond, just a better cut one. That's why a recut would be good if it's possible. You would still have your original stone, could possibly even use your original setting, then maybe you could add a sparkly anniversary band next to it. Of course, this doesn't rule out getting another ring at an anniversary or whatever, but in the meantime, you'd like your current ring more.
Can you post more photos of your ring from different angles?

 

[missy]

There is some crazy cultural thing here that brides need a huge rock. It’s sort of awful.
Self esteem tied up in how big a hunk of mineral you have on your finger. What matters is on the inside, and other’s peoples’ posessions and opinions be damned.

Wish I could love this times infinity.