I'm a widow

[Calliecake]

Pinto, (((Hugs))) You are a strong woman. I’m sorry today was so hard. I’m hoping you have a great time tomorrow with @Asscherhalo_lover

 

[PintoBean]

It still bugs me that one of my biggest regrets is not having an advocate when Mike first passed away. I was just standing in the kitchen right now and it just hit me - why in the world did we have the funeral and viewing at the funeral home closest to his parents? There's a funeral home right by me! It would have been so nice to have someone OBJECTIVE say to me, "great that you're delegating this task to your in laws but there are other places closer to you. Are you okay with this?" It didn't dawn on me at that point there were other options.

I try not to beat myself up for not being strong enough for myself but it still frustrates me. I resent that I let emotion cloud my mind. I also feel stupid that I was so "easy" that I trusted so quickly when my in laws threw me a modicum of affection bc I had had no support my entire life. I also am ashamed that they could tell from a mile away bc I had "let them in" that it would be easy to railroad me bc I've never had support. I built those walls for a reason... foolish me let them in...

 

[jordyonbass]

Ugh that may be partially my bad @PintoBean, I should have said something when that was happening as I would have done that for myself if in your position.

Please accept this pic of the kitten chilling on my lap and looking quite happy about it as a gift.

 

[yennyfire]

Hi PB,

Just popping in to check on you! I'm sorry your birthday was a tough day (no wonder!) and that your Mom continues to live in the land of the absurd!! Good grief, she's a piece of work!

As for wishing you'd had an advocate immediately after the accident, hindsight is always a great thing, but you can't beat yourself up about it. I wish someone had thought to suggest it to you at the time...

Loving the "man catching" outfit!! Hey, my approach is show them reality and if they are still into you, then they are a keeper!!

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto, When thinking back on this please remind yourself that you were in a state of shock while this was happening. All of you were dealt one of the biggest blows life can throw at you. You did the best you could at that moment. You also did this while having little support from your family, which had to make this so much harder for you. Be kind to yourself. Your husband would have been so proud of how you handled things. All of us here are.

A friend of mine lost his wife to cancer years ago. Their daughter was four when she died. His wife’s parents took over all the planning of the funeral. There was a small cemetery next to the church my friend and his wife attended. He wanted his wife buried in that cemetery because it was very close to where they lived and he felt it could bring comfort to his daughter as she grew older. The wife’s parents said it wasn’t a nice enough cemetery and arranged for her to be buried in a massive funeral that was over an hour away. It bothered him that he didn’t stand up to them but like you, he was just trying to get thru hour to hour and take care of his daughter and himself. He knew the end was coming with his wife for two months ahead of time (Pinto you didn’t have any time to prepare). He felt very much like you are feeling now. A few years later he said he came to realize everyone just did the best they could those few days.

Yenny’s comment made me LOL. Pinto you look adorable in your jammies!

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto, I forgot to add the most important point I wanted to say. You can walk away and not deal with Michael’s parent if that is what you feel is best for you. Talk care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

 

[junebug17]

PB, I had the same exact thought as Callie - you were dealing with a huge loss, you were in shock and traumatized, and you functioned as well as you possibly could during that terrible time. Don't be tough on yourself. Give yourself a break. And who knows, maybe getting into an argument/discussion with Michael's parents at that time would have made things even more difficult. Sending hugs and love to you, I know that feeling of wishing I had acted in a different way all too well myself - but we all geniunely do the best we can at any given time and we have to be kind to ourselves. Life is hard enough without beating ourselves up!

 

[MarionC]

Yes, ditto what June said. You do the best you can at the time. I’ve come to believe that regrets are part of the complex « landscape » of grieving.
Sending you oodles of love today, dear PB.
Perhaps even poodles and noodles of love. xx

 

[ringo865]

... and doodles of love from me and my kitty tribe Minnesota.

 

[minousbijoux]

The first thing I thought when reading this, Pinto? That you have learned so much and I know you will generously pass it on to the next grieving friend you encounter. Of course, it sucks you went through this, but knowing you, you will be there for the next who need someone truly in their corner when they are most vulnerable. <3

You are doing so well and its so good that you come here and vent!

 

[novicebuyer]

The first thing I thought when reading this, Pinto? That you have learned so much and I know you will generously pass it on to the next grieving friend you encounter. Of course, it sucks you went through this, but knowing you, you will be there for the next who need someone truly in their corner when they are most vulnerable. <3

You are doing so well and its so good that you come here and vent!

 

[novicebuyer]

I think Calliecake makes an excellent point about trying to be understanding about people operating under extraordinarily trying circumstances. I am not suggesting Michael's parents are model in-laws, but planning the funeral of a loved one, including adult children, is an excruciatingly painful process. It's very unfortunate that they were not more sensitive to your needs, but they may not have had the emotional strength or sensitivity or may have incorrectly assumed you would not want a funeral home you might drive by regularly. In any event, your in-depth thinking about what would work best for you in the future seems like a very wise decision. The very best of luck to you.

 

[PintoBean]

I think Calliecake makes an excellent point about trying to be understanding about people operating under extraordinarily trying circumstances. I am not suggesting Michael's parents are model in-laws, but planning the funeral of a loved one, including adult children, is an excruciatingly painful process. It's very unfortunate that they were not more sensitive to your needs, but they may not have had the emotional strength or sensitivity or may have incorrectly assumed you would not want a funeral home you might drive by regularly. In any event, your in-depth thinking about what would work best for you in the future seems like a very wise decision. The very best of luck to you.

I'm having a hard time figuring out how this aligns with what Calliecake recently posted... I know this thread is quite long now,
But don't you remember that it really was supposed to be just a wake and then pop into an oven then ash over to interment bc he was not a practicing Catholic? That his mom point blank said I don't care if this would piss him off I want a funeral mass for me, and I let it slide but made a point of saying he's not gonna be happy with this and she laughed and said I know... just for starters. And if they couldn't handle the funeral planning, I could have taken that task back and delegated it to someone else.

The funeral really wasn't any different than how he was treated while he was alive. It just magnified that he was always the second class citizen in his family, an afterthought bc he wasn't the emotionally immature one having meltdowns or the one with the kids, and once he was gone, I Filled his shoes as the second hand citizen.

 

[TooPatient]

I think Calliecake makes an excellent point about trying to be understanding about people operating under extraordinarily trying circumstances. I am not suggesting Michael's parents are model in-laws, but planning the funeral of a loved one, including adult children, is an excruciatingly painful process. It's very unfortunate that they were not more sensitive to your needs, but they may not have had the emotional strength or sensitivity or may have incorrectly assumed you would not want a funeral home you might drive by regularly. In any event, your in-depth thinking about what would work best for you in the future seems like a very wise decision. The very best of luck to you.

They were never interested in anything but what they wanted. Ever. The entire thing was a mess from start to finish with shock after shock ranging from lying about where his ashes were to forgetting to tell people when things would be and even including distant family while excluding those close to PB.

I have seen close up what planning funerals looks like -- including for adult children. I have seen some awful misunderstandings and missed details, but I have never seen anything like how they handled this.

 

[Calliecake]

I agree with @TooPatient. I have also seen funeral planning up close and have never seen anything like how this was handled.

I understand it being especially difficult Pinto because you knew Michael would not have wanted it handled this way. Please be kind and gentle to yourself Pinto. You were dealt one of the most awful things anyone could go through and you handled it with grace. Be proud of yourself, we are.
((Hugs))

 

[AGBF]

I'm ready for my two servings of chocolate croissant breakfast later in the AM

When I saw this this article about the run on Nutella in France, I thought of you and your chocolate croissants (or as we used to call them "pains aux chocolats"). I hope you have tried Nutella, because it is good, although (in my opinion) not nearly as good as real pain au chocolat. I was introduced to Nutella before any had been imported into the United States because I am married to an Italian. When it was first imported here, there was only one store I knew of in this part of Connecticut (a store that imported a lot of Italian goods) where one could buy it. Now it is everywhere in all the supermarkets in many sizes.

Article...https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/26/...-france.html&eventName=Watching-article-click

Deb

 

[PintoBean]

When I saw this this article about the run on Nutella in France, I thought of you and your chocolate croissants (or as we used to call them "pains aux chocolats"). I hope you have tried Nutella, because it is good, although (in my opinion) not nearly as good as real pain au chocolat. I was introduced to Nutella before any had been imported into the United States because I am married to an Italian. When it was first imported here, there was only one store I knew of in this part of Connecticut (a store that imported a lot of Italian goods) where one could buy it. Now it is everywhere in all the supermarkets in many sizes.

Article...https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/26/world/europe/nutella-riots-france.html?module=WatchingPortal&region=c-column-middle-span-region&pgType=Homepage&action=click&mediaId=thumb_square&state=standard&contentPlacement=1&version=internal&contentCollection=www.nytimes.com&contentId=https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/26/world/europe/nutella-riots-france.html&eventName=Watching-article-click

Deb

I'm glad you equate me with something sweet! I can't even imagine with the riot! It's really something!

 

[AGBF]

I'm glad you equate me with something sweet!

Oh, definitely. When I think of you I think of chocolate melting between the buttery flakes of a croissant!

(((Pinto-La-Croissante)))
Deb

 

[PintoBean]

Oh, definitely. When I think of you I think of chocolate melting between the buttery flakes of a croissant!

(((Pinto-La-Croissante)))
Deb

We may be redefining chocolate love here - it's like those brownie recipes that use beans

 

[monarch64]

I do not trust anyone who would make brownies with beans. If I can’t have sugar-laden chocolate brownies from a ghirardelli boxed mix full of god knows what chemicals then why am I even eating a brownie in the first place? And you know I’m all for plant-based, natural, organic, vegetarian foodstuffs, but my god leave us our unhealthy sweets.

Pinto no one ever tells you how to handle these things. Or anything really that brings chaos and emotional upheaval to your life. I feel pretty awful about how I have handled my second marriage and subsequent divorce. Sometimes I feel like I took the easy way out to protect other peoples feelings and make them as comfortable as possible at my own expense. I don’t have it in me to be ruthless, though. And I have had good friends and advocates tell me how I should go or should’ve gone about things. I just can’t play dirty. I’ve done it before albeit under totally different circumstances and it has weighed on my conscience ever since. You can lie your head down at night (or whenever, I know sleep isn’t coming easy) at least knowing that you were not the ******* in your situation. I feel like that’s something M would’ve been proud of you for.

 

[MissGotRocks]

You can never blame yourself for simply being human in a horrific situation. I think the anger that you are feeling now is just part of the whole grieving process. My mother always said that funerals are really for the living even though they are to honor the person who we have lost. They are really to provide some comfort and closure for those left behind. While his parents are certainly not the most selfless among us, I would to an extent give them the benefit of the doubt as they had lost a child. Perhaps they thought they were helping you by taking the burden of the planning on themselves. It would have of course been better had they consulted you regarding what you would have wanted and to have continued being supportive of you. Do not turn the anger inward as it serves no purpose and I seriously doubt that would have pleased Michael either. I don't think any of us could have handled what you went through any better - particularly because you didn't have strong family support.

Whatever your beliefs, he is at peace now and you are gently moving forward with your life. Feel what you feel at the moment, deal with it as best you can, and keep moving on. Talking it out is the best therapy there is as you get it out of your head into the open, get feedback and perspective from others, and allow yourself to move on to more positive things in your life. Most importantly, give yourself credit for slaying the dragon every day, in some way. You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for!!

 

[Calliecake]

Sorry for the threadjack Pinto.

@monarch64 I’m sure the way you handled things was the best not only for you but for your daughter as well. Being a good human being and not playing dirty are wonderful examples to set for a child. You’re daughter is young. Trust me the day will come when she thanks you for handling things the way you did.

 

[AGBF]

Sorry for the threadjack Pinto.

@monarch64 I’m sure the way you handled things was the best not only for you but for your daughter as well. Being a good human being and not playing dirty are wonderful examples to set for a child. You’re daughter is young. Trust me the day will come when she thanks you for handling things the way you did.

You are wise and kind, Calliecake. I totally agree with you that Monnie was a great example.

Deb

 

[Calliecake]

Thank you @AGBF . This is one of those times in life where your kind words mean more than you could know. Hugs to you Deb

 

[monarch64]

Thank you so much. I didn’t know I needed to hear that, but I did. Hugs!!!

 

[TooPatient]

Best brownies ever... Scharfenberger.... Mmmmmmm!

I have a recipe printed that I NEED to find since they took it off the website. 99% gets melted into the batter along with powdered cocoa. Then lots of 70% chopped up for gooey melty chunks.

About $20 worth of chocolate into these intensely yummy squares.

 

[AGBF]

www.playingwithflour.com
Ingredients

1. 6 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into cubes, plus more for the pan.
2. 8 ounces SCHARFFEN BERGER 70% Cacao Bittersweet Chocolate, coarsely chopped.
3. 3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons granulated sugar.
4. 1/4 teaspoon salt.
5. 2 large eggs.
6. 1/3 cup all-purpose flour.
7. 1/2 cup toasted walnut halves.

Robert Steinberg s Fudgy Brownies | SCHARFFEN BERGER
https://www.scharffenberger.com/.../recipes/robert-steinberg’s-fudgy-brownies....

TooPatient-

I hope this is the recipe you wanted.

Deb

 

[TooPatient]

www.playingwithflour.com
Ingredients

1. 6 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into cubes, plus more for the pan.
2. 8 ounces SCHARFFEN BERGER 70% Cacao Bittersweet Chocolate, coarsely chopped.
3. 3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons granulated sugar.
4. 1/4 teaspoon salt.
5. 2 large eggs.
6. 1/3 cup all-purpose flour.
7. 1/2 cup toasted walnut halves.

Robert Steinberg s Fudgy Brownies | SCHARFFEN BERGER
https://www.scharffenberger.com/.../recipes/robert-steinberg’s-fudgy-brownies....

TooPatient-

I hope this is the recipe you wanted.

Deb

That looks good too!

I found it!

The recipe is this one: https://www.scharffenberger.com/en_us/recipes/new-classic-ice-bath-brownies.html

My modification was to leave out the 2/3 cup chopped nuts and add 2/3 cup chopped 70% chocolate instead. Leave the chunks big enough to stay intact so you get gooey chunks after cooking.


Also... Anyone looking for the best chocolate cake known to man (or at least to me!)... Look up Rory's Volcano Cake (also Scharfenberger)

 

[PintoBean]

Wow!!!! That's like adult brownies omg!!!! Like

I like the Mrs Quinn's easy brownie recipe minus 1/4 cup sugar but that scharfenger recipe is ... droolworthy!!!

 

[valeria101]

those brownie recipes that use beans

Azuki ?

_

Changing subject,

Is it customary to do commemoration services the first years after a death ? We do those... And often enough, the family does not come togeter, for reasons more or less like yours. To each its own - literally.