Just plain greedy or she has a point?

[Jambalaya]

About the oversharing and airing dirty laundry to embarrass her husband into getting her what she wants - isn't her post completely anonymous? I notice that her story is also very generic - could apply to any number of brides. I thought her username was also a bunch of numbers. I'd be really surprised if anyone wrote this under an identifiable name.

It sounds to me as if the proposal was a complete surprise. And maybe her fiance is just a practical man who is thinking of putting all his money into their future kids instead of romancing her.

They just sound like two different people to me.

 

[cmd2014]

I can see her dilemma. If she loves him and they are well suited, and he didn't happen to talk to her but did this as a surprise (maybe out of some misguided notion that this is romantic), and if she doesn't want to hurt his feelings...then bringing up the fact that she doesn't like her ring is awkward. I can see wanting advice on what to do, but not wanting to embarrass her fiance by talking to people she knows. So going anonymously online doesn't seem like a bad idea. It's a tough situation, and makes what should be a happy time, unhappy. We've seen people here who have felt sad and disappointed by rings that they were surprised with that they did not want. It doesn't make her a bad person (or him either).

Plus, just because he's a high earner doesn't mean that he has a lot of disposable income. Maybe he has student loan debts, has high fixed expenses (rents in the UK can be huge compared to other places), is putting money away for something important (a house, retirement savings, a honeymoon trip), or is taking care of other people (a previous wife, or paying child support, helping elderly parents).
Also, I don't think that I agree with the idea that the amount of money spent equals the amount of love behind a gift.

I think they need to talk things over and figure out where to go from here. But it's hard when it might taint everyone's feelings about the proposal and starting a life together.

My husband used to try very hard with gifts, but he would buy what he liked (and thought I would therefore like) and not what I liked. It took him a long time and many discussions for him to figure out the difference between my style and his, my wants vs what he thought I should want, and the fact that it was ok if he thought what I wanted was silly but that he should get it for me anyway rather than the more practical gift that he thought I should want. And because I knew he loved me and was trying hard, it was hard to tell him that I didn't like my gifts and that I would prefer something else. His feelings are still hurt about those early discussions, because he felt like I was being rejecting and critical of his efforts. I think this would be magnified +++ with something as important (and emotion ridden) as an engagement ring.

 

[dk168]

I have not read the article, however IMHO, the relationship is not going to last.
There is more to a relationship than just a ring.
Money does not buy happiness.
She will have DSS in no time.
She will never be satisfied.

DK

 

[Yimmers]

Expecting a guy to spend XX amount on a ring to me is ridiculous. He should feel comfortable with the amount he's spending.

On the other hand, I would be disappointed as well if I was just given a ring without any consideration into the style or thought behind it. DH was involved with choosing the diamond, and I had input in the setting. Since I would be wearing it everyday, he wanted to make sure it was something I liked. I mean, it's a GIFT - I'd like to think that DH and I think about the gifts we give each other. That, and I'm pretty particular. Come to think of it, maybe this is why DH doesn't surprise me with gifts of jewelry...hmmmmmm... lol

They need to work out their communication issues, and do it before they get married. Otherwise, it ain't gonna stop with just the ring...

 

[doberman]

I guess I'm kind of over having women chiding other women for being materialistic if they're not happy with a ring they had no say in. All I hear is blah blah blah I'm so much better than you blah blah blah...

Give it a rest already.

 

[elle_71125]

I have not read the article, however IMHO, the relationship is not going to last.
There is more to a relationship than just a ring.
Money does not buy happiness.
She will have DSS in no time.
She will never be satisfied.

DK

What the hell does DSS stand for? God, you'd think I'm new around here.

I have to imagine there's more going on here. There's no way she hasn't dropped hints about what she was hoping for. They clearly aren't communicating everything properly (not that I can claim a perfect score in that regard either). No ones perfect right?

Based on his previous "generous" gifting habits, I admit to being confused here. Why would he buy expensive gifts but a relatively inexpensive ring? Maybe he just had no idea what she wanted. I actually feel a little bad for her. She didn't want to hurt her SO's feelings but she still wanted talk to someone about it. Now, she's been bashed across the internet and there's no way her SO doesn't know about this nightmare. It's embarrassing for them both. I hope they are able to talk this one out.

 

[Calliecake]

Elle, DSS stands for Diamond Shrinkage Syndrome.

Unfortunately I know because I have had this syndrome in the past. It's when the diamond in your ring suddenly begins to look smaller and smaller as the weeks go by. You originally thought this very same diamond looked large the first day you wore the ring.

 

[elle_71125]

Elle, DSS stands for Diamond Shrinkage Syndrome.

Unfortunately I know because I have had this syndrome in the past. It's when the diamond in your ring suddenly begins to look smaller and smaller as the weeks go by. You originally thought this very same diamond looked large the first day you wore the ring.

Ah, I get it now. Thank you.

 

[AprilBaby]

And almost everyone on here gets it!

 

[SurfFL]

There is a lot of speculation here that unfortunately we'll probably never see cleared up.
- Did they ever discuss the style, size, color of a ring she would want? From the way she states it it doesn't really sound like they did.

- why did he choose this ring, did he ask friends, family, colleagues what they had or recommend? If his mother, friends or colleagues said this is size, style ECT then maybe that's what he thought was appropriate. This is probably where the "if she appreciate it she's a gold digger" came from.
- is he saving for a house, their wedding, children............

Many men know nothing about jewelry, we watch movies where a man goes and picks out a ring sometimes big sometimes modest and surprises his girlfriend with a proposal and she is over the moon and accepts it the get married and so on, usually after some big to do that nearly had them going there separate ways. You don't see them sitting down discussing rings going to pick them out together. That's not the romantic thing that's drilled into men's heads with romantic comedies.

Maybe he's a modest man, doesn't like to show off and so figured a more understated ring was appropriate. I had a friend who had to live in a certain zip code, now he lives in a studio apartment in an old run down building but it was in the "fancy/rich" part of town, he drove a fancy car that he skrimped by making payments on and when he asked his girlfriend to marry him he went out and charged up credit cards buying a 2 CT diamond in a platinum setting because that's what he thought he should buy. Unfortunately in order for home to be able to afford it he got a very poor quality diamond with a very noticeable inclusion (people constantly thought her diamond was dirty). She would have been happy with anything he had given her no matter the size of the stone. They married and are unfortunately or possibly fortunately for them not together anymore.

I will probably get a lot of grief for saying this but I think to much importance is put on the ring, dress, ceremony and party then is actually put into the relationship. My grandmother was engaged the big ring, his family wanted a big wedding, the whole 9 yards they decided not to get married. She met my grandpa he was in the army they got engaged but couldn't afford a ring, she took her grandmother's ring the day they went and eloped him in uniform her in a white pants suit she had, later on when they could afford a ring he got her a small diamond, fast forward another 20 years he got her a larger diamond, but she still wore the wedding band she has taken from her mother's drawer and was just as proud of the first diamond he had got her. To her the ring and everything else wasn't important, it was that they were getting married.

If they both loved each other and had no doubts I would think that this is something that could have been talked about and handled without going online and venting, which unfortunately seems the easy thing for people to do today instead of just sitting down and talking. The fact that she found out what he paid for the ring and was told about someone making the gold digger comment tells me that either she didn't handle telling him it wasn't her dream ring, and that he suspected she was in it for the money or was very hurt by the way she handled it, again an assumption.

We only have her side of the story so its not really appropriate to judge him or his choices. Did she look at the ring and say yuck I don't want that junk in the middle of his proposal or oh what's that little thing. Or did she say oh yes I love you let's get married, then later on calmly talk to him about maybe upgrading the ring to something more her style?

Ok I'm ready for everyone to call me out now.

 

[swingirl]

Isn't it just like sex? You can do as much or as little as you want, but unless you know what your partner likes there's a pretty good chance you will miss the mark. It helps to ask.

 

[valeria101]

...
she took her grandmother's ring the day they went and eloped him in uniform her in a white pants suit shehad
...

Ok I'm ready for everyone to call me out now.

I'll be calling out that point (cited): had two happy pairs of grandparents - both married sort of that way (a first shot & a third shot - at least). Point taken !

Somehow, everywhere I know (professional circles of five countries, London included) - nobody weighed engagement rings.

 

[Jambalaya]

I guess I'm kind of over having women chiding other women for being materialistic if they're not happy with a ring they had no say in. All I hear is blah blah blah I'm so much better than you blah blah blah...

Give it a rest already.

I couldn't agree more. When a woman says her ring is too cheap or small, it's a golden opportunity for some top-level virtue-signaling.

He spent less than a week's wages on the most significant piece of jewelry of her lifetime while asking her to devote her entire life and body to him for the rest of her days on earth. He showed her that she's undervalued and disrespected.

If other women are fine with such lowballing of an engagement ring, great. Personally, I understand exactly how she feels.

 

[telephone89]

I couldn't agree more. When a woman says her ring is too cheap or small, it's a golden opportunity for some top-level virtue-signaling.

He spent less than a week's wages on the most significant piece of jewelry of her lifetime while asking her to devote her entire life and body to him for the rest of her days on earth. He showed her that she's undervalued and disrespected.

If other women are fine with such lowballing of an engagement ring, great. Personally, I understand exactly how she feels.

And what did she give him? He's going to give his life and his body to her for the rest of his days, and he's the only one responsible for a monetary gift? Sorry, but your views sound entirely sexist and outdated. You are literally saying that the only way to value your spouse is to pay them.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Ah, I get it now. Thank you.

A diamond usually shrinks about .25mm per yr...

 

[elle_71125]

A diamond usually shrinks about .25mm per yr...

What?! No!! There must be some way to prevent this tragic disease. No one should have to suffer this way! Oh wait, that's why we upgrade!

 

[Arkteia]

Honestly - one of the articles about mumsnet poster had the photo of the ring and the check. I am not sure it was the same, but if it was, I understand her 100%. It is very small and not nice -looking at all. People's comments were along the lines of, "dude, return it, it can't cost more than 300-400 £." But as I have said, maybe the ring was posted by the journalists (to emphasise the case) and is not one she received If it is indeed the ring he gave her, the problem is not the money, the problem is that she probably does not want to wear it. If she works, chances are, she takes it off her hand before entering her workplace. I was looking at it and thinking, a) if it was the B@M store, what was its name? (To avoid it), and, b) maybe the check and the ring did not go together?

Daily Mail published something along the lines of "19% of fiancees are not happy with their erings". If it is indeed so - why blame the girl, she is not greedy, she just belongs to these 19%.

 

[Jambalaya]

And what did she give him? He's going to give his life and his body to her for the rest of his days, and he's the only one responsible for a monetary gift? Sorry, but your views sound entirely sexist and outdated. You are literally saying that the only way to value your spouse is to pay them.

I didn't say it was the only way. You can give 'em awesome sex, too!