Friends getting divorced

[PierreBear]

Hi PSers,

I wanted to pose this question as I know there are many people who have been through more "cycles of life" and would appreciate the thoughts. Being in my 30s, I am generally past the flood of weddings and now it's moving onto couples having babies. Perhaps it's just coincidence but within a short time span, found out recently that several of our friends are now getting a divorce or are separating. I suppose this will also be an unfortunate cycle that I'll have to live through but any guidance on what to say or do? So far no one has ever indicated severe problems so the status life change was a bit of a shocker. The act is already done but wish there was some way I could have helped or do most people keep this side of their life private? Any comments are appreciated! Thanks in advance!

 

[Calliecake]

PierreBear, All you really can do is be supportive of your friends and their decision. Just being there and being a sounding board can really help. Please stress that they will get thru this and be happy again. One thing I learned fairly early on in life (due to my parent's divorce) is no one ever knows what is going on in another person's marriage. Kindness goes along way in helping anyone get thru a difficult time.

What you are seeing is fairly common. I also noticed friends and families marriages ending once the kids left home. I assumed this is happening as people are living longer. If you are miserable at fifty and know you could live to be 80 or older, thirty years of being miserable doesn't look too appealing.

 

[Jambalaya]

This happened to me in my early forties. It taught me how vulnerable marriages are - it wasn't the ones that I'd have expected that busted up. Made me gird my loins for the next round in my fifties/when kids leave home. Again, I expect it won't be the ones I think. I expect there will be a last round in my sixties - the silver splitters, as they're called. You never can tell who's going to make it. Just be there, try not to take sides, and try not to borrow trouble. You can be a friend, but don't take on too much of their burdens. Divorces are so personal to the couple that ultimately they have to sort out their own emotional state and take responsibility for their own decisions. I'm not sure outsiders can truly understand.

Oh - one thing: don't insult one to the other, even if one is clearly in the wrong. I remember my brother calling my husband an a-hole a couple of months after we'd split, and I felt quite offended. At that time, it was early days and there was no guarantee we'd remain apart. I had married this man and chosen to spend over a decade with him, and I really didn't feel it was my brother's place to call him that. He was my choice - a bad one, but my bad choice. So, the more you hold your tongue, the better, probably. Then there was the time my cousin said she was divorcing her violent husband and I said how much I'd always loathed him, and then two days later they got back together and now we don't speak. That was fun!! Bear in mind they can always get back together. I'd say things like, "I'm so sorry this has happened to you" and "It must be very hard for you" not "Oh, that so-and-so! You deserve so much better! He/she should be boiled in a vat of oil|" etc. Bad plan!

 

[sonnyjane]

There was an article a few years ago that mentioned couples are more likely divorce around the time when other couples in their friend circle divorce. Kind of a domino effect ... "I haven't been happy either, if they are divorcing, maybe we should divorce too." That could explain the "wave" of divorces in your circle lately. I'll try to find that article.

ETA: here it is: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...-divorce-contagious-what-study-doesnt-tell-us

 

[VRBeauty]

Everything Jambalaya put so well, and this: take your cues from your friends as to whether or how much they want to talk to/with you about the divorce (or separation - I'be seen this happening with long term committed relationships as well). Some of my later-in-life divorced friends were very mature about it all. They had apparently processed things and by the time the divorce actually happened there wasn't a lot of drama or trauma, and they were pretty much ready to move on.

 

[azstonie]

I keep my comments as polite and bland as possible, because people going through divorce are typically in a rough place and may say things to you they regret later, either because its true and they overshared OR because they were feeling emotional and overshared with you.

 

[Shoney]

Having just gone through a divorce would concur with all the comments here. What I needed, and fortunately received, was the quiet support. One longtime friend who never met my husband let me vent, which was really helpful, especially when she listened instead of reacting - she understood some things I said came from a place of anger and grief. Even though I was the one to initiate divorce, it was horribly painful, and didn't truly hit me until after it was finalized and I started the tedious process of changing my name. It's a grieving process, not a one and done.

 

[december-fire]

Shoney, I'm sorry you've had to go through a divorce. Even if its the right thing to do, its not an easy process. I'm divorced. It was my decision, absolutely the right thing to do, and I stayed in the marriage so long that I'd already gone through all the emotional stages. Despite that, the divorce was a very long and difficult process. However, we get through the rough times, things get better, and life is wonderful when we're no longer in an unhealthy situation.

PierreBear, You've received excellent advice from everyone. Try to be supportive but neutral, and let the person know that they'll get through this and things will be better. The divorce process can be exhausting, intimidating and all-consuming. One of my friends gave me a quick phone call each morning just to see how I was doing; I appreciated that. You might want to offer to go for a walk, coffee, drive your friend to any lawyer's appointments (some people feel anxious going on their own, so having a friend sitting in the waiting room for them is reassuring), or offer to babysit. The offer to do something is appreciated, regardless of whether you're taken up on the offer.

Even if the divorce process is complete or almost complete, a person will be establishing their new 'normal'. Reaching out to them via phone calls, or getting together for coffee, etc., will help them as they move forward. Basically, just continue to be a friend.

 

[Puppmom]

Close friends of ours just divorced. They come to us a lot for advice or to vent. It's a very fine line to walk - even when asked for advice be very careful. I've been asked for advice/opinion and have offended with the truth (or my opinion). Luckily, everyone is aware this is difficult to navigate and is forgiving. This situation was especially challenging because DH and I are very close with both of them and still are. They're more like family than friends.

 

[Kbell]

I've been through a divorce and I think it's hardest for those who are friends with you both. I have friends that divorced too and that was always the hardest part - trying to be there for both of them while not taking sides. So I just listened the best I could and was there for all involved as much as I could be and made it clear I wasn't going to be put in the middle - that isn't fair especially when the people have been in your life for years.... It's a lot easier to be there when you are friends with one and not so much the other because then that doesn't happen.

 

[elizabethess]

Though I am not the OP, I have similar concerns; these are all very helpful responses to read, thank you to everyone posting.

Recently friends of mine (never married by choice but together for 17 years) have been struggling as one of them wants to end the relationship and the other is desperate to try to save it. They are very much in the painful thick of it, and finding a balance of neutral, supportive, not nosy, yet not ignoring them is a balancing act where I definitely can see that I have room for improvement.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I was (and am) very private about it, so only my best friend and immediately family knew trouble was brewing. He took it to social media, I really haven't. Sometimes it's difficult because you do feel attacked or like people aren't getting the whole story, but I just have to remind myself that those people weren't around when I was going through it and they don't really matter now.

What hurt the most was when the people I thought were mutual friends became cold and distant because they were his friends first. There was a couple of faux concerned friends who messaged me like "Oh nooooo what happened?" when the news hit I guess out of morbid curiosity and haven't checked in since.

Just be compassionate and check in with them when you find yourself thinking about it. I would have basically killed for someone to invite me out for a cup of coffee at the time, and I'm seriously grateful for the handful of people who helped me keep it together in a genuine way.

 

[rubybeth]

I have lots of friends and family who got divorced. It all seems very sudden to outsiders, but it's likely they've kept the problems private. I think that's normal. You can just be there for your friends, and offer to do stuff they enjoy, take them out to the movies/dinner, whatever they like to do. If they want to vent, fine, but if they don't, don't pry. I'm the kind to just text and say that I support them and love them, and ask if they are up to doing something fun.

 

[Puppmom]

Elliot, some people just want the story and it's really sad. My friend who just got divorced had another mutual friend invite her to lunch to "get her side of the story" - as if to decide what side she was on. Not cool.

 

[phancynan]

I've had a few friends who married young get divorced (no kids) in our 20s, and now in our 30s I have a few friends who have confided that they are thinking about separations and divorce. So I think we are in similar stages. I think just being there, actively, is a huge thing. Even if it used to be 50/50 that you'd email or text, maybe keep up your pace of checking in even if your friends get swamped and don't check in as much. My parents married, divorced, remarried (each other), redivorced during my childhood. The biggest thing I learned from that is that divorce isn't inherently bad. It is hard, and there can be grief, but it isn't always a BAD thing. Sometimes it is just a thing. So maybe take cues from your friends on that. Also, follow the comfort in, dump out philosophy and don't make it about you. (Not that anyone here would.

 

[Arkteia]

My only comment - not necessarily in regards to this situation, but in general - if the friends have kids, they might need the most support. Even if the kids seem fine. Perhaps, take the kids for a movie, or into a family fun center, to distract them, would be supportive?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You can never go wrong with empathy. I know I posted this video before but it is wonderful.

What was NOT helpful for me was people bashing my ex. I told a causal friend I was going through a divorce and her reply, "I always thought you could do better." I know she meant that to be supportive but it really stung. There was nothing anyone else could do to save my marriage. I think that is how it is in most cases.

 

[Jambalaya]

Tacori, I completely agree. My brother called him an a-hole when we were only a few weeks into a trial separation and there was every chance we'd get back together. I found it offensive - I had been married to him for well over a decade and he had been my choice. When people say bad things about your spouse/longterm life partner, it's just awful because it's as if they're just flicking aside an entire chapter of your life with one casual, dismissive gesture. Like most marriages, there was also much that was good in mine, and I had thought it was for life. Maybe these remarks are just so disrespectful of your choices and that's why they hurt so much. I did tell my cousin my true feelings about her husband but only after she told me, definitely, that they were getting divorced and after I found how how much he was hurting her physically.

Anyway, I would certainly add to the list that people supporting friends through a divorce should try not to say anything too bad about the ex, hard as that may be.

 

[Jambalaya]

Just realised I already said the above - sorry.

Tacori, I know exactly what you mean about those comments stinging. I felt exactly the same. It felt weirdly jarring to have people say bad things about him, even if I was thinking those things myself.

Another tip - most of my friends and family pushed me hard to divorce him very shortly after our trial split. Almost immediately, they were wanting me to make plans and wanting me to talk about the future and saying how final it all sounded - which was total garbage because I explained over and over that we were just taking some time apart. Most people I knew leaped on that divorce bandwagon with what almost seemed like glee. Bear in mind that our problems were private and of the kind that aren't obvious, like stonewalling.

I don't remember anyone encouraging us to work on our marriage.

As it happens, I decided - independently - that divorce was the right thing. But I'll never forget how quickly and strongly everyone encouraged divorce and how no one seemed to want to see us work on things and stay together. No one even said, "Are you sure that this split is the right thing? Think twice before you do something irrevocable."

I just feel that others were very quick to throw my marriage away for me, and they certainly didn't know anything about what my marriage was like. I found it really insulting.

So here's the tip...don't be a divorce-pusher. Your friend might remember how quickly and strongly you encourage her to divorce. Even if you're right, there's just something unseemly about treating your friend's marriage as if it's disposable. I felt people were very casual about my marriage, and it hurt, because a marriage is a big, big deal. It's something that you've built your life around and staked your future on. It hurts when others casually toss it aside. It also doesn't help when others say things like "Well, if it were me, I could never trust him again" or say what else you would do in her shoes, because unless you've faced losing everything you've built with your spouse, you don't know what you'd do.

 

[PierreBear]

Thanks all for the thoughtful comments, tips, and even a video! It has been a bit startling still as we have gotten together with the friends and have heard them shared their stories (if they were willing to open up). It was a bit hard to learn that there wasn't necessarily a pivotal event that instigated the life style change. It was just more of a gradual growing apart and lack of pursuit of parties. One person said they wanted to get a divorce. The other said ok we've tried long enough or go ahead and move out. Anyhow, I know it's not my place but even as an outsider I was hoping for a more justifiable reason. Breaks my heart but made me thankful for those who have a strong marriage. I appreciate ya'll allowing me to share.

 

[Kbell]

Thanks all for the thoughtful comments, tips, and even a video! It has been a bit startling still as we have gotten together with the friends and have heard them shared their stories (if they were willing to open up). It was a bit hard to learn that there wasn't necessarily a pivotal event that instigated the life style change. It was just more of a gradual growing apart and lack of pursuit of parties. One person said they wanted to get a divorce. The other said ok we've tried long enough or go ahead and move out. Anyhow, I know it's not my place but even as an outsider I was hoping for a more justifiable reason. Breaks my heart but made me thankful for those who have a strong marriage. I appreciate ya'll allowing me to share.

As hard as it may be, don't look for a justifiable reason.

Only they truly know how or why the marriage broke down. When I was having problems in my previous marriage I kept them to myself for the most part because I didn't want anyone making judgments until I had come to a final decision on my own. Until that time I never really disclosed even to my friends how badly things had been because I knew they would be offering advice, probably bashing the ex, etc. Things at the time I didn't need. There was no one definable event more like a defining moment when I told myself enough was enough. I admire those with longstanding loving marriages. It's something I had always wanted & hoped for, but unfortunately hoping doesn't always make it so. Most people don't just walk away without MUCH consideration, heartache, professional guidance, and self turmoil. Just be there as best you can and be kind

 

[PierreBear]

Yes agreed! Thanks for sharing that perspective. Glad you were able to navigate through that part of your life successfully.

 

[ihy138]

I know I'm late to the party, but I wanted to offer my perspective, especially since I shared my story on PS and was encouraged by the outpouring of support I received here. I'm 28 and going through a divorce. It is definitely the first of my friend group, especially since some of them are not even married yet! It was also completely unexpected, to me included. I think that makes it weird for them - they don't really know how to react so a lot of the time they just let me take the lead. While that is helpful in terms of my comfort level, I also have trouble talking about myself (I'm a therapist, it doesn't come naturally) and would really love if they checked in more and brought it up in conversation. They have been incredibly supportive in other and most ways, but if I am venting it's usually to my counselor. I feel like my pain is a burden to them and I don't want to unload unless asked.

I agree that them bashing my ex wouldn't be helpful, but it's not because I would disagree with the bashing. It's just because I don't need to be reminded of the horrible choice I made in spouse, which I now realize in hindsight.

That being said, I am doing much, much better and a lot of it is just knowing how much they care. Just being present is enough, I think.