shape
carat
color
clarity

So conflicted about my ring.

junebug17

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Yeah but...I get the feeling it's not really a matter of self-esteem with the OP... She disliked her ring from day 1. imo she's just a bit hurt that her husband had no problems encouraging his friend to get a large diamond and he is not understanding her desire for a nicer stone. When I put myself in the OP's place, it would bother me too. As others have said though, it's a lot easier to spend other peoples' money!

@Susan Diamonds, I think it's ok that you would like a larger stone/nicer ring, I wanted one too. and so do many here on PS. It took me many years to get a larger diamond and I do enjoy it. I don't think it makes you look ungrateful but I get that you feel that way. And I think your husband's behavior is making you feel that way.

Your dh already knows you don't like your ring. You and he even tried to return it right after the proposal. If you do eventually talk to him about this in a more specific way he's not going to be surprised. His comment "don't be jealous" is very telling imo. Honestly, that comment kind of bugs me. Sounds like it's a pride thing for him - getting you a new ring would be somehow admitting the first one he bought wasn't any good or something. Perhaps he's worried about the financial aspect of this?

I dunno... the bottom line is I feel your dh should just get over his pride and get his wife a ring she is happy with. I think a woman should like her ering. Unfortunately this means you are going to have to have an uncomfortable conversation with him, and I hope eventually you can do it. I get that these situations are not easy.

One last thing (I tried so hard to keep this short ha!) Buying your own ring...I just think it would be nicer to have dh on board with the purchase since it's such a symbolic piece.
 

telephone89

Ideal_Rock
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Yeah but...I get the feeling it's not really a matter of self-esteem with the OP... She disliked her ring from day 1. imo she's just a bit hurt that her husband had no problems encouraging his friend to get a large diamond and he is not understanding her desire for a nicer stone. When I put myself in the OP's place, it would bother me too. As others have said though, it's a lot easier to spend other peoples' money!
Except that OP has NEVER actually come out and said this. When they tried to return the ring it was because the setting wasn't well made. Husband recently offered to go look at new settings, and instead of saying that she wanted a bigger stone, she pouted and they left empty handed. I think a lot of blame is being placed on the husband, but his only fault is being oblivious because OP won't actually speak up.
 

Susan Diamonds

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Messages
46
Yeah but...I get the feeling it's not really a matter of self-esteem with the OP... She disliked her ring from day 1. imo she's just a bit hurt that her husband had no problems encouraging his friend to get a large diamond and he is not understanding her desire for a nicer stone. When I put myself in the OP's place, it would bother me too. As others have said though, it's a lot easier to spend other peoples' money!

@Susan Diamonds, I think it's ok that you would like a larger stone/nicer ring, I wanted one too. and so do many here on PS. It took me many years to get a larger diamond and I do enjoy it. I don't think it makes you look ungrateful but I get that you feel that way. And I think your husband's behavior is making you feel that way.

Your dh already knows you don't like your ring. You and he even tried to return it right after the proposal. If you do eventually talk to him about this in a more specific way he's not going to be surprised. His comment "don't be jealous" is very telling imo. Honestly, that comment kind of bugs me. Sounds like it's a pride thing for him - getting you a new ring would be somehow admitting the first one he bought wasn't any good or something. Perhaps he's worried about the financial aspect of this?

I dunno... the bottom line is I feel your dh should just get over his pride and get his wife a ring she is happy with. I think a woman should like her ering. Unfortunately this means you are going to have to have an uncomfortable conversation with him, and I hope eventually you can do it. I get that these situations are not easy.

One last thing (I tried so hard to keep this short ha!) Buying your own ring...I just think it would be nicer to have dh on board with the purchase since it's such a symbolic piece.
I agree with everything you said, particularly the pride thing. I think this is the issue. He’s a perfectionist and hates making mistakes. The problem is that I’m a perfectionist too, and I don’t like wearing things that don’t look good to me.
I also agree about buying a new ring myself. The engagement ring is about both of us, so it would be strange to change it without his involvement.
 

msop04

Super_Ideal_Rock
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I agree with everything you said, particularly the pride thing. I think this is the issue. He’s a perfectionist and hates making mistakes. The problem is that I’m a perfectionist too, and I don’t like wearing things that don’t look good to me.
I also agree about buying a new ring myself. The engagement ring is about both of us, so it would be strange to change it without his involvement.


THEN. DO. SOMETHING. ABOUT. IT.
...and I mean this in the nicest way possible.
 

junebug17

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Except that OP has NEVER actually come out and said this. When they tried to return the ring it was because the setting wasn't well made. Husband recently offered to go look at new settings, and instead of saying that she wanted a bigger stone, she pouted and they left empty handed. I think a lot of blame is being placed on the husband, but his only fault is being oblivious because OP won't actually speak up.

I don't disagree, I wrote at the end of my post that OP is going to have to have a conversation with dh about getting a new diamond. My point was that her not liking the ring is not going to be a complete shock to him.
 

Matata

Ideal_Rock
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Messages
8,995
Time to end the angst. Do you want round? What size? Three carats is impressive. Here's 2 from Whiteflash to get our juices flowing.

Screen Shot 2018-12-12 at 10.05.37 AM.png
 

YadaYadaYada

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Susan, most husbands just want their wives to be happy, they are simple creatures but they do not read minds well and respond best to communication when it is direct and there is a problem they can solve. A clear problem with a clear solution, gently and considerately stated of course.

Just be direct with him and then work together to solve the problem, you will be happy, he will feel accomplished and you will have a pretty ring to look at AND share with all of us :mrgreen2:
 

metall

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843
Having read this whole post basically back to back over the last two days there are some things really struck me about this situation....

1) there seems to be an unwillingness to on OP's part to improve her own situation. We have seen how many posts on PS of girls who did not like their rings? but chose to be proactive about rectifying that situation. I'm not sure if it goes so far as @JPie's and @telephone89's comments about martyrdom and holding on to resentment....but OP is starting to hold her own happiness hostage and honestly that mentality is not healthy.

2) OP really doesn't know what she wants on terms of a ring...and i point to 1 when I say it appears that she has taken no steps to educate herself in this respect either.

3) with regards to the situation with her husband....we know nothing about him. A lot of her responses about her husband is reactionary...not proactive sharing. Some of it is also quite contradictory - i.e. her husband shuts down any ring talk but then takes her to a jewelry store to try to fix the ring. He's a proud perfectionist who doesn't want to do anything about the ring...but within days of proposing was willing to return the perfect ring he was so proud of picking out for her.

4) there also doesn't look like there has ever been an honest conversation about the ring. I'm just going to refer to the 9 hundred thousand million posts above about communication and leave it with that.

5) OP was upset no one oohed and Ahhhed at her ering during her initial engagement and the lack of attention compounded with her own feelings made her feel that her ering was inadequate. Since this post there have been 6 pages and almost 2 years (her update was essentially...there is no update just more hurt building) of people telling her that her ring is MORE than adequate and is serving to assuage her negative feelings.

Coming from someone who was on the same boat, (I didn't like my ering)...but I have taken the necessary steps to understand my DF's reasonings for choosing my ring and have even grown to love my ring....I very much hope that OP also takes the necessary steps to bring herself happiness, but I suspect that this post is only making the situation worst.
 

monarch64

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I maintain my opinion from page 4 (made upon the OP's return to her thread) that this is not about the ring. The ring is a symptom of deeper issues. No amount of carat weight will make one happy until they confront and resolve the underlying issues. That's why she isn't doing anything about it. That's why she has a lump in her throat when he takes her to choose a new setting, and that's why she's deflecting and saying she doesn't want to sound ungrateful. OP's husband throwing "don't be jealous" and "the ring I picked out for so-and-so's fiancee is 'impressive'" has added fuel to a fire he already knew was there. I see nothing but red flags in this entire situation. If this were a simple matter of dissatisfaction with an engagement ring, OP would've posted in Rocky Talky years ago and found a way to communicate to her husband about this. Instead this thread has sat here in Hangout, where people come for life advice, not diamond advice, and here we are again on the same Merry-Go-Round of "shit or get off the pot."

But I know people don't like to hear the truth when it hurts. I certainly never have.

@Susan Diamonds you won't like this, but I'm with @Dancing Fire . If you can't discuss this with your husband and for whatever reason are afraid of having the conversation with him, you need to upgrade the husband. I say that with the most well-intended, tough-love attitude possible. He could've given you a 5 carat D Flawless in the most beautiful setting anyone in the world has ever seen and you'd still be unhappy, because you can't talk to him, and he doesn't want to hear you.
 

LLJsmom

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Messages
12,633
Having read this whole post basically back to back over the last two days there are some things really struck me about this situation....

1) there seems to be an unwillingness to on OP's part to improve her own situation. We have seen how many posts on PS of girls who did not like their rings? but chose to be proactive about rectifying that situation. I'm not sure if it goes so far as @JPie's and @telephone89's comments about martyrdom and holding on to resentment....but OP is starting to hold her own happiness hostage and honestly that mentality is not healthy.

2) OP really doesn't know what she wants on terms of a ring...and i point to 1 when I say it appears that she has taken no steps to educate herself in this respect either.

3) with regards to the situation with her husband....we know nothing about him. A lot of her responses about her husband is reactionary...not proactive sharing. Some of it is also quite contradictory - i.e. her husband shuts down any ring talk but then takes her to a jewelry store to try to fix the ring. He's a proud perfectionist who doesn't want to do anything about the ring...but within days of proposing was willing to return the perfect ring he was so proud of picking out for her.

4) there also doesn't look like there has ever been an honest conversation about the ring. I'm just going to refer to the 9 hundred thousand million posts above about communication and leave it with that.

5) OP was upset no one oohed and Ahhhed at her ering during her initial engagement and the lack of attention compounded with her own feelings made her feel that her ering was inadequate. Since this post there have been 6 pages and almost 2 years (her update was essentially...there is no update just more hurt building) of people telling her that her ring is MORE than adequate and is serving to assuage her negative feelings.

Coming from someone who was on the same boat, (I didn't like my ering)...but I have taken the necessary steps to understand my DF's reasonings for choosing my ring and have even grown to love my ring....I very much hope that OP also takes the necessary steps to bring herself happiness, but I suspect that this post is only making the situation worst.
@metall I agree with everything you said except I don’t necessarily think this post is making things worse. I think this post isn’t accomplishing OP’s original purpose of just looking for companions to commiserate. The issue is that PSers are people that take action. Many can sympathize but the progress to Buy, sell, change ring or change thinking. I have seldom seen posters just post to air their dissatisfaction without some goal. From the OP’s lack of response to the many various suggestions submitted, I don’t think she plans on making changes. I hope she proves me wrong.
 

Susan Diamonds

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Messages
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IMG_5594.jpg
Hi Everyone,

I wanted to send an update, along with a thank you for all the tough love. The engagement ring is such a sensitive topic, and I've had a hard time figuring out a solution. But everything you've said has helped me start thinking about how I can fix it.

Ideally, I'd just like to sell the ring and buy another diamond. I'm not sure where to start, but I'm doing a little research on how to sell it. I'm quite certain the original jeweler won't take it back (we already tried this, even with our credit card company advocating for us), but I'm looking online at some options.

Meanwhile, here is the certificate for my current ring.

Thanks again for the support, the suggestions, and the honesty.
 

Susan Diamonds

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May 7, 2017
Messages
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UPDATE: The first place I contacted said they'd give us 1,250 for the diamond.
 

tkyasx78

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I would keep it for sentimental reasons and have it set in a pendant.

The money you would gain would be a fraction of what you paid. Resale on diamonds purchased at retail makes me sad and I would rather use the stone than take that kind of loss.
Jmho
 

LLJsmom

Super_Ideal_Rock
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@Susan Diamonds

I’M WRONG! I’m so happy!!!!

Susan, your diamond is very pretty and white. Is it possible for you to keep this stone and make it into a pendant, given how relatively little you would get anyway, that money is not an issue for you and that this stone has meaning to your DH? It’s a D so it will pop as a solitaire set into a bezel (or not) on your neck.

Or if you don’t have studs and want some this would look fabulous on your ear. You just need to get a size and color match later on. That is what I did with my original stone. My DH didn’t even want me to recut. So I threw it into a stud setting and bought a match.

Then just start from scratch and you are not limited by anything. Really just ask yourself what is your dream ring and see where it goes from there.
 

amoline

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Messages
341
Heck -- looking at similarly specced diamonds at JA, for $1250, I'll buy it from you -- seriously. I agree with @tkyasx78 that, especially considering funds are not a concern, selling the diamond would not be a great return, and that it might be better off being put into something like a pendant.

Edit to remove typo
 

tyty333

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27,198
Ditto the other posters...I would keep it. You're not going to get much out of it. Of course, at some point you could put some more money into it
and have it recut to Ideal proportions and put that in a pendant. Tell your DH that you want an Ideal cut stone. That GIA very good is only really "good".
Even some GIA Excellents are only very good.

Glad to see you are being pro-active!
 

Starfacet

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UPDATE: The first place I contacted said they'd give us 1,250 for the diamond.

Here's an ACA diamond from Whiteflash with the same color/clarity as your current diamond, but with killer light return. You could sell your stone back and put the money toward something like this. Of course, going down in color and clarity could get you a larger stone.

https://www.whiteflash.com/loose-diamonds/round-cut-loose-diamond-4063416.htm

Or re-cut your stone to improve light return and reset it into a ring or pendant.
 

cmd2014

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Way to go Susan!!! I personally would save the diamond for an earring, as that would make a very nice sized pair once you found a match someday. Or use the $1250 to get a larger or higher colour stone (or fancier setting) than what the budget without the trade in would allow. You will be so much happier once you have a new ring. And maybe your husband will too since he can puff with pride about the "upgrade" that he contributed to (rather than dreading ring discussions given how he knows how you feel about yours). Looking forward to updates!
 

pearlsngems

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2,789
I think saving it to use for studs later is a great idea!
That is what I did with the approximately 1/2 ct. diamond from my engagement ring.
 

JPie

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source.gif
 

diamondseeker2006

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I wore my original 1 ct diamond engagement ring for over 25 years. I really wanted a more significant ring, and I thought the solution was to reset with sidestones, plus I wanted to change from yellow gold to platinum. My husband, though, said he thought I should keep the original as it is and instead get a new anniversary diamond ring! That was perfect and the reason I originally found Pricescope! After finding PS, I realized my F color diamond was not well cut even though it was nice and bright due to the high color. Long story short, once I got my "anniversary ring", I have never worn the original engagement ring again.

In your case, I would not express dissatisfaction with the current ring and definitely wouldn't sell it for the small amount you'd get for it. I would tell him you want to keep it for sentimental reasons (and maybe later you can reset into a pendant or studs), but you'd like a new diamond ring, such as the one he helped his friend pick out, for an anniversary ring. That way you aren't putting down the first ring he gave you, you are just getting another ring for another occasion. But by all means, come back here and let us help you find a good diamond, because I will tell you, most jewelers do not carry the cut quality we are accustomed to here, and the prices will be higher.

I totally get the issue, if I had the smallest diamond in my social and professional circles, I would certainly be hoping for a larger stone since I am into jewelry. In my case, no one I know locally has ever upgraded their original diamond, so mine is one of the larger ones in my circles. And unfortunately, that makes me too uncomfortable to get an even larger diamond!
 

Matata

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so mine is one of the larger ones in my circles. And unfortunately, that makes me too uncomfortable to get an even larger diamond!

Whaaaaat!? One thing that really hits me in the solar plexus is the knowledge that I have more years behind me than ahead of me and that's precious little time to not fully enjoy life on my terms. Remember what we were told as kids -- to eat our carrots so we'd have great eyesight? Well those of us with aging eyes need larger carats, the bigger the stone, the less we have to squint to see it :mrgreen2: Your social circle friends and acquaintances will not be traumatized if you get a larger diamond so if you want one, get one.
 

purplesilk

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Messages
2,109
IMO for Susan selling the hated diamond is a cathartic gesture which means getting rid of all the resentment and negativity she felt in the past four years...since money is not object, sell the 0.7 ct and let the fellow PSers help you to get a great brand new rock!

PLEASE take your time to decide what you really want: tell your husband you're going to pick a ring but take your own decisions, don't irritate your husband with the upgrade/resetting details.

Best to you,
purplesilk.
:wavey:
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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ell those of us with aging eyes need larger carats, the bigger the stone, the less we have to squint to see it :mrgreen2: Your social circle friends and acquaintances will not be traumatized if you get a larger diamond so if you want one, get one.

Oh my gosh I have to add a resounding yes to this. I could not agree more with you @Matata truly. It doesn't matter (to me) that I live in NYC where diamonds are large and in charge no, rather because I love large and beautiful and not anything to do with my social circle. Though I appreciate those who feel uncomfortable if dressed and accessorized differently from their peers. That was never something I cared about even when I was younger. Add to the formula my aging eyes that cannot see as well as I used to see and yes I don't just want but I need those larger chunky facets to appreciate my diamonds at their max.

I would feel as much this way if I lived in a rural community in West Virginia or in a penthouse with an indoor pool in NYC with a summer home in the Hamptons. But then again I was never one to conform or even fit in but that has generally served me well.


One thing that really hits me in the solar plexus is the knowledge that I have more years behind me than ahead of me and that's precious little time to not fully enjoy life on my terms

Exactly. Life is short and getting shorter all the time. I am determined to enjoy every moment of it on my terms. But just as I feel strongly about that I must emphasize what one's terms are is specific to them and so if you enjoy fitting in more power to you for that. As long as that is really what you want. Do what makes you happy. Or to shorten that to the popular few words that are making the circuits these days...You do you

No judgment here.

Wishing you the best of luck @Susan Diamonds and may you figure out whatever it is that will bring you the most joy and contentment and peace.
 

Indylady

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Messages
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Susan, most husbands just want their wives to be happy, they are simple creatures but they do not read minds well and respond best to communication when it is direct and there is a problem they can solve. A clear problem with a clear solution, gently and considerately stated of course.

Just be direct with him and then work together to solve the problem, you will be happy, he will feel accomplished and you will have a pretty ring to look at AND share with all of us :mrgreen2:

Great way to put it!
 

msop04

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Dec 3, 2011
Messages
10,051
@Susan Diamonds, I'm so happy you're taking steps... yay for you!!
Although I wouldn't sell the original diamond, I can understand if it will give you more peace to do so.

Now comes the fun part... what are you looking to get??!! ;-)
 

diamondseeker2006

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Messages
58,547
@Matata and @missy, Well, let me clarify that I definitely have not deprived myself as far as diamonds go! :lol: I just have three diamonds that total 7.1 cts, and I am happier with three rings totalling that weight than one at 7 cts (plus I have a couple more)! The funny thing is that I rarely wear most of them! But I am all for people getting what makes them happy! I am thankful for and content with what I have, and although I obviously have a great appreciation for large and fabulous diamonds, I consider it like I do art...I appreciate Monet greatly, but I'm happy viewing it in a museum!

I will say, though, that there are things that give me more pleasure like giving gifts to my kids while they are young, rather than them waiting until we are in a grave!
 

Calliecake

Ideal_Rock
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Messages
9,229
PLEASE take your time to decide what you really want: tell your husband you're going to pick a ring but take your own decisions, don't irritate your husband with the upgrade/resetting details.

Best to you,
purplesilk.
:wavey:

@Susan Diamonds, I agree with the above. A few of my friends love jewelry and I can honestly say that our husbands probably don’t really get it but they love us and want to make us happy. Take your time and decide what will make you happy. Once you figure that out then discuss it with your husband. It is pointless to have endless conversations when you aren’t sure what you really want. I almost LOL when one of my friends husbands over dinner stated very matter of factly that until she knew what she really wanted there was no use in starting a price negotiation. Why begin negotiations on something you’re not even sure you want. Most men want to fix a problem and sometimes I think they don’t understand our indecisiveness while we figure it out. The hunt is half the fun. I have also learned when I tell my husband I really want something and it’s doable financially, he makes sure I get what I want. BUT I always pick out my jewelry. He wouldn’t want me picking out his golf clubs so he understands picking out my jewelry is important to me. Good luck on your search and ihope you find a ring that makes your heart sing.

@diamondseeker, I also understand about it being more important to get gifts for the younger people in your life things they will enjoy. At this stage in my life I’m happier buying gifts for others than buying something for myself. It brings me a lot of joy to get them something I know they want and would love to have.
 
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