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ť So confused... And upset!

So confused... And upset!

P: 7/24/2008 11:22:58 AM
amylock Rough Rock Total Posts: 6 Last Post: 7/24/2008 Member Since: 7/20/2008	Wow... what a great fowum! I was on looking for diamond info and I saw the LIW section! So - here's my story in a nutshell... My BF and I have been together for over 3.5 years. We broke up on our 3 year anniversary when he told me he didn't know if he could ever get married (mind you, he was the first person to talk about getting married). I didn't talk to him, text or e-mail for over 3 months. I dated other guys (2 were wanting to get married). We got back together 2 days after Xmas. In our very first conversation, he told me he didn't mean it when he said he didn't want to get married. I get that he's 39 and never married, no kids, never co-habitated. So... fast forward.... We have been talking about marriage a lot. We know we want to do it in the Bahamas. He knows I won't give him 3 years again. This weekend we were out and he started talking about the ring budget and asked me to put together specs for him (after I begged him not to just look at size). Saturday morning I asked him if he really wanted me to write all this down, and he said definitely. So Saturday night we go out, have fun, have some drinks... He wasn't platstered, but we were both drunk (no hangovers). He started telling people we are getting married in December in the Bahamas, and then started inviting them to the wedding. He told me I needed to make a guest list, etc. We then negotiated a move-in timeframe (which to me is when we will actually get married) to when my son is a Junior in HS (he is entering his sophmore year). Sooo.... Monday rolls around and I am on cloud 9, thinking he is finally going to propose, and soon! I got in a pretty bad car accident on the way home from work Monday, so I was down Tuesday. Admittedly, he was great - was glad I wasn't hurt, met me at the shop my car was towed to, had me drive one of his cars until I got the rental, etc. In my sad state Tuesday night, i asked him if he remembered that he invited people to our Bahamas wedding over the weekend. He says he doesn't remember. I told him he said December (this is not me asking WHEN - just trying to jog his memory) and he said no. I was even more upset at that point. I told him he leaves me feeling very confused. I am sure it isn't intentional, and he apologized, but this is so upsetting. He said it means it's on his mind, and I should be glad. I just don't want to get strung along for 3 more years. I really wish he would just not say anything. I mean, he says he knows I am the one and he definitely wants to marry me, but he forgets the stuff he tells people? That's borderline cruel. Thanks for letting me vent..... Amy
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:22:58 AM

There are 15 replies to this message. There are 15 replies on this page.

P: 7/24/2008 11:38:16 AM
aliciagirl Cut Rock Total Posts: 366 Last Post: 8/8/2009 Member Since: 11/9/2007	I think this is so tough. I mean, it's one thing to say things at home in private that you are going to take back (which is still very inconsiderate) but it's something else entirely to basically say these things in public, to people who know you both, that he doesn't mean. It's humiliating. Now when December rolls around these people are going to start with their, "Oh, he was ready. He told me. They must not be getting along very well" trashy gossip. I don't think it's a good enough excuse to say, Oh I don't remember but at least I'm thinking about it! That doesn't change the fact that he got your hopes up (publicly) and is now changing his tune. Did he say whether or not a December wedding was something that he actually wanted once you talked to him sober? It sounds like he doesn't, and you're right, I think that is cruel. I mean you guys are obviously on the right track - talking about rings and future plans and things but he needs to be careful about getting your hopes up. He knows it's something you want and I truly hope that he is serious when he says he wants it, too. __________________________________ I remember that time you told me You said, "Love is touching souls" And surely you've touched mine Because part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time. - Joni Mitchell
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:38:16 AM

P: 7/24/2008 11:38:27 AM
fiery Ideal Rock Total Posts: 4,135 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 5/18/2008	For starters welcome and Im glad you werent hurt in your accident! I want to venture out and say that you being on cloud 9 was your own fault. I dont mean that in the way that it sounds but you knew he was drunk when saying these things so thinking he was going to propose under those conditions probably wasnt the wisest of ideas. You have had the talk with him, he has said that he wants to marry you, and you have talked about the ring. Yet, you are still not sure. Something tells me that you are still harboring resentment and anger towards him leading you on for 3 years and you are also fearful that it isnt going to happen at all. No matter what he says or does at this point isnt going to change those feelings unless you are willing to let go of the past.
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:38:27 AM

P: 7/24/2008 11:46:08 AM
dreaming of the day Cut Rock Total Posts: 480 Last Post: 11/9/2009 Member Since: 6/12/2008	I feel for you, I think it is very unfair for your FF to start talking about your wedding and not even be able to acknowledge it afterwards. I know you say you were drinking, so test to see if he remembers other things during the course of your night out. Is it regular for him to forget things when he's had a few drinks? It sounds to me like he didn't know how to cope with what he was saying to you after the booze wore off, and it was easier to "forget" than talk about it. It does however sound like you have made progress over the course of your break up, especially because he is asking you for ring specs! My FF fake proposed at the last wedding we went to, with a ring made out of a straw!!! It was the cutest thing in the world and we still laugh about it - it was just in the moment - we were so caught up that anything in our normal day to day life didn't matter except our love for eachother (we are held up for an engagement due to finances!) The only differences is he wasn't ashamed of his behaviour the next day, so we were able to talk about it and actually it is a moment I will treasure forever. I hope this works out for you!
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:46:08 AM

P: 7/24/2008 11:51:56 AM
jcarlylew Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,854 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 6/27/2008	amy - i'm sorry! they do say alcohol gives you a loose tounge. I'm going to go out on a limb here and agree with your boyf that ATLEAST the prospect of marriage is on his mind, and to not talk bad about it is even better. My boyf does the SAME THING - if he has a few drinks, his motor mouth will not shut it! and he too has said "this weekend we'll get your ring fixed " and all the things i want to hear... and then he forgets! I just take it in with a grain of salt. you're right, it is cruel! Just keep your head on you. And feel free to vent! _____________________________ i look at white bread like a young lover
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:51:56 AM

P: 7/24/2008 12:04:49 PM
lala2332 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 523 Last Post: 10/29/2009 Member Since: 7/15/2008	I'm so sorry that this happened! I'm a big proponent of the saying "in wine there is truth" ...i.e. you say what you really mean drunk! I would have been on cloud 9 as well. and just as disappointed as you are. I would put my foot down and just tell him that being in limbo is just not working for you anymore. Do it nicely, but still there is something to be said for just laying it all out on the table. Just don't give an ultimatium, just say that you need to know exactly where he stands and tell him where you stand. Then you two can work from there. Good luck!
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:04:49 PM

P: 7/24/2008 12:09:38 PM
bee* Ideal Rock Total Posts: 11,105 Last Post: 11/23/2009 Member Since: 5/14/2006	Sorry to hear about your accident! In terms of the rest of your post, it doesn't seem like you know how exactly he feels about things. I think that a proper talk is in order and find out exactly how he feels about things. At this stage after getting back with him, I don't think that him thinking about it is enough. It's good that he is thinking about it but I think that you need to see is December something that he's really thinking about or when is he thinking about proposing etc.
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:09:38 PM

P: 7/24/2008 12:11:07 PM
amylock Rough Rock Total Posts: 6 Last Post: 7/24/2008 Member Since: 7/20/2008	Date: 7/24/2008 11:38:27 AM Author: fieryred33143 For starters welcome and Im glad you werent hurt in your accident! I want to venture out and say that you being on cloud 9 was your own fault. I dont mean that in the way that it sounds but you knew he was drunk when saying these things so thinking he was going to propose under those conditions probably wasnt the wisest of ideas. You have had the talk with him, he has said that he wants to marry you, and you have talked about the ring. Yet, you are still not sure. Something tells me that you are still harboring resentment and anger towards him leading you on for 3 years and you are also fearful that it isnt going to happen at all. No matter what he says or does at this point isnt going to change those feelings unless you are willing to let go of the past. To be fair, he remembers specific detailed conversations from before and after that part of the evening. I think, perhaps, he doesn't want to say too much wihtout having a specific plan. He is a planner for sure. You are close but a little off regarding resentment. I am actually reacting to what happened previously... He used to talk about it or say that stuff, and then forget or say he wasn't sure. It may not be fair to him, but I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am in a very self-pretective mode. Initially, i really feel like it's "real" (after all, some of the conversations were sans alcohol) but then I worry that I will be hurt again. I know he wants to be with me and he does say he wants to marry me and talks about our future, but I am very afraid of being hurt right now. That's what I need to let go... I am not nasty or anything to him, I just get mopey. He would rather I throw stuff at him than just not smile much. Thanks for your comments. Amy
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:11:07 PM

P: 7/24/2008 12:12:09 PM
swingirl Ideal Rock Total Posts: 3,291 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 4/6/2006	Has alcohol ever been a problem before in your relationship? You said he was drunk but not plastered. What's the difference? Being so drunk you don't remember things is something to think about. Hopefully no one was driving that night.
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:12:09 PM

P: 7/24/2008 12:31:28 PM
amylock Rough Rock Total Posts: 6 Last Post: 7/24/2008 Member Since: 7/20/2008	Date: 7/24/2008 12:12:09 PM Author: swingirl Has alcohol ever been a problem before in your relationship? You said he was drunk but not plastered. What's the difference? Being so drunk you don't remember things is something to think about. Hopefully no one was driving that night. Oh not at all. We are social drinkers... Tipsy was probably more accurate. We are both maybe 1 drink per hour folks (after dinner). I don't think he doesn't remember, I think he doesn't want to admit what he was talking about.
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:31:28 PM

P: 7/24/2008 1:00:21 PM
KCCutie Ideal Rock Total Posts: 598 Last Post: 6/5/2009 Member Since: 2/22/2008	Amy- My SO is the same way he says things to his friends while we're out being social that he doesn't say in other situations. If he remembers other things both before and after his comments about a December wedding then maybe as you say he really does remember. Was he talking about December this year? That wouldn't fit with your move in time line as you stated so I just wanted to check. Don't think anything is really set in stone yet maybe he was just toying with the destination wedding idea and wanted to get some responses from his friends. We're planning the same thing and we've told practically everyone and I have to admit it is fun to talk about...so maybe he was just caught up in the moment. I do think he is having serious thoughts about marrying you (in a good way) or he wouldn't have brought that up with his friends (drunk or not). He is asking you for input on a ring so I think he's well on his way and you don't need to worry. If you would like some sort of better time frame for your own piece of mind then by all means talk about it with him, but in any case I think you will find that finding this forum is a Godsend and you're welcome to come here and talk and vent all you need to. WELOCME!
Posted: 7/24/2008 1:00:21 PM

P: 7/24/2008 1:34:10 PM
amylock Rough Rock Total Posts: 6 Last Post: 7/24/2008 Member Since: 7/20/2008	Date: 7/24/2008 1:00:21 PM Author: KCCutie Amy- My SO is the same way he says things to his friends while we're out being social that he doesn't say in other situations. If he remembers other things both before and after his comments about a December wedding then maybe as you say he really does remember. Was he talking about December this year? That wouldn't fit with your move in time line as you stated so I just wanted to check. Don't think anything is really set in stone yet maybe he was just toying with the destination wedding idea and wanted to get some responses from his friends. We're planning the same thing and we've told practically everyone and I have to admit it is fun to talk about...so maybe he was just caught up in the moment. I do think he is having serious thoughts about marrying you (in a good way) or he wouldn't have brought that up with his friends (drunk or not). He is asking you for input on a ring so I think he's well on his way and you don't need to worry. If you would like some sort of better time frame for your own piece of mind then by all means talk about it with him, but in any case I think you will find that finding this forum is a Godsend and you're welcome to come here and talk and vent all you need to. WELOCME! This is DEFINITELY a great forum to vent/discuss what's going one. I believe we will get there. It's just the ups and downs that are so hard.
Posted: 7/24/2008 1:34:10 PM

P: 7/24/2008 1:37:40 PM
jcarlylew Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,854 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 6/27/2008	Date: 7/24/2008 1:34:10 PM Author: amylock Date: 7/24/2008 1:00:21 PM Author: KCCutie Amy- My SO is the same way he says things to his friends while we're out being social that he doesn't say in other situations. If he remembers other things both before and after his comments about a December wedding then maybe as you say he really does remember. Was he talking about December this year? That wouldn't fit with your move in time line as you stated so I just wanted to check. Don't think anything is really set in stone yet maybe he was just toying with the destination wedding idea and wanted to get some responses from his friends. We're planning the same thing and we've told practically everyone and I have to admit it is fun to talk about...so maybe he was just caught up in the moment. I do think he is having serious thoughts about marrying you (in a good way) or he wouldn't have brought that up with his friends (drunk or not). He is asking you for input on a ring so I think he's well on his way and you don't need to worry. If you would like some sort of better time frame for your own piece of mind then by all means talk about it with him, but in any case I think you will find that finding this forum is a Godsend and you're welcome to come here and talk and vent all you need to. WELOCME! This is DEFINITELY a great forum to vent/discuss what's going one. I believe we will get there. It's just the ups and downs that are so hard. Amen! _____________________________ i look at white bread like a young lover
Posted: 7/24/2008 1:37:40 PM

P: 7/24/2008 2:16:24 PM
purrfectpear Ideal Rock Total Posts: 3,702 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 3/31/2008	Talk about passive agressive behavior on his part? I'd have a sit down with him ASAP. Either he was so toasted that he really doesn't remember saying that stuff (in which case I'd just mention that he doesn't have to worry about proposing, 'cause I'm not marrying anyone who drinks to the blackout point)...OR, he is playing games here. Neither one is acceptable in my book. How about yours? Are you going to pretend this isn't happening or deal with it? "Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say and not giving a damn." -Gore Vidal
Posted: 7/24/2008 2:16:24 PM

P: 7/24/2008 3:45:31 PM
funtobewith Rough Rock Total Posts: 42 Last Post: 8/6/2009 Member Since: 6/26/2008	I hope that he does, in fact, have something planned and is trying to play it off. Otherwise, he would have to have been PRETTY darned drunk to not remember anything about that, and I don't think he was that drunk from what you are describing. In which case, yeah, I would say he was cruel.
Posted: 7/24/2008 3:45:31 PM

P: 7/25/2008 11:42:50 AM
Pushin40 Cut Rock Total Posts: 272 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 4/11/2008	Date: 7/24/2008 2:16:24 PM Author: purrfectpear Talk about passive agressive behavior on his part? I'd have a sit down with him ASAP. Either he was so toasted that he really doesn't remember saying that stuff (in which case I'd just mention that he doesn't have to worry about proposing, 'cause I'm not marrying anyone who drinks to the blackout point)...OR, he is playing games here. Neither one is acceptable in my book. How about yours? Are you going to pretend this isn't happening or deal with it? Ditto - exactly what I was thinking.
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:42:50 AM

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