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»  » Low libido...what's wrong with me? *clean*
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| Pages: 1 of 2: [1] 2 > |
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Low libido...what's wrong with me? *clean* |
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| P: 6/18/2008 9:57:45 AM | |
Uh_Oh_LwLibido Rough Rock Total Posts: 4 Last Post: 6/18/2008 Member Since: 6/18/2008 |
I am in my late twenties and it has taken me this long to admit that I have a problem. I have zero drive for sex. My FI is so loving (and gorgeous to boot) and once we “get into it” it is very enjoyable, I can get “there” lol (this is soooo embarrassing). The thing is it is like pulling tooth and nail I feel guilty as I love this man soooo much, but I can’t get in the mood. Does anyone else have these feelings or have experienced a similar situation? I hope this makes sense and isn't too innapropriate and I hope you can forgive the anonymity! |
| Posted: 6/18/2008 9:57:45 AM | |
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There are 38 replies to this message. There are 30 replies on this page. |
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| P: 6/18/2008 10:15:39 AM | |
Independent Gal Ideal Rock Total Posts: 5,471 Last Post: 1/3/2009 Member Since: 11/12/2006 |
1) Are you on the pill? Some pills + some women = zerolibido. You can try switching your pill and it might make all the difference. 2) Are you depressed? 3) Is he, uhm, doing everything right? A huge cause of low s.drive in The Ladies is guys who don't know how to, uhm, make it totally irresistable.
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 10:15:39 AM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 10:18:03 AM | |
lauralu Ideal Rock Total Posts: 689 Last Post: 11/11/2009 Member Since: 7/20/2007 |
I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this...I have not had this issue in my relationship but can only imagine how difficult it would be to discuss this with even your closets friends. My advice is to talk with your family dr or gyno. You need to make certain that there is not an easy fix medical reason that you have no sex drive. A medical reason such as hormone levels ect should be ruled out in my opinion. As you are way to young to be dealing with this issue in your life. Your FI sounds very supportive but frustarted, as are you. Make an appt. and be on your way to finding out why and what may be going on. Good Luck
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 10:18:03 AM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 10:19:53 AM | |
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Uh_Oh_LwLibido Rough Rock Total Posts: 4 Last Post: 6/18/2008 Member Since: 6/18/2008 |
lol. Hi Indy 1) Nope, tried BCP from 18-22 and it made me a crazy moody mess 2) Depressed no, stressed yes. 3) I think so, um I guess... heck I don't know. 
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 10:19:53 AM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 10:29:53 AM | |
anchor31 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 6,366 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 10/18/2005 |
I think the best option you have is seeing your doctor/gyno. Good luck!
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 10:29:53 AM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 10:51:03 AM | |
Sabine Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,883 Last Post: 11/21/2009 Member Since: 8/16/2007 |
I'm embarrassed to be replying to this, but I do want you to know that you are not alone. FI and I are both really busy and have really stressful jobs, as well as work really odd hours. He often goes to bed at 8 at night. So while we both really LOVE sex when we have it, we both just don't seem to want it all the time. I don't know how to explain this, we both WANT to want it, but when it comes time to actually make the time for it, it often just doesn't happen. We are currently working on this, so here are some things that work for us: 1. Talk openly about how much you love each other and desire each other so that the other knows that it is not their fault/feel undesired even if you aren't doing it. 2. Actually set a time during the week to do it. I know this is not that romantic sounding, but it actually can be. It can heighten anticipation as well as keep you from getting busy because you know what you will be doing then. 3. Remove distractions from the bedroom and spend time in bed just talking. No tv, no computers, no kids, no pets, etc. Then cuddle/talk. If it leads to other stuff, great. If not, you're still spending quality time together before bed. 4. Do relaxing and sensual activities together. Massages, baths, etc. Again, don't put pressure on it. If it leads to other stuff, great, but if not, that's okay too.
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 10:51:03 AM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 11:22:27 AM | |
diamondseeker2006 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 17,609 Last Post: 11/18/2009 Member Since: 1/11/2006 |
I would have to say that stress, fatigue, and children definitely put a dent in that area for me! I long to put my head on that pillow and close my eyes at night, and nothing else is as strong a desire! But I do think it is part biological. I read one time that there was some correlation between a very low cholesterol level and libido. Not sure which aspects correlated, and I wouldn't be interested in raising my cholesterol for that reason. Finding out why may be a needle in a haystack. So try to reduce your stress, get more sleep, etc.
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 11:22:27 AM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 11:26:33 AM | |
ladypirate Ideal Rock Total Posts: 3,570 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 7/30/2007 |
One thing that works for us is taking a page out of Helen Mirren's book and waking up half an our earlier than we otherwise would in the morning to...ahem...get busy. It's nice because we have that time set aside so we don't have to worry about anything else--just focus on each other for a few minutes first thing when we wake up. ETA: Getting enough sleep is good too--we make sure to get 8 hours most nights, so we're not zombies in the morning. - |
| Posted: 6/18/2008 11:26:33 AM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 11:47:18 AM | |
brazen_irish_hussy Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,535 Last Post: 12/27/2008 Member Since: 6/13/2006 |
It could be a lot of things, you did mention stress, which can certainly do it. I was on paxil for a while and it had the exact same effect, I was never in the mood which imporved dramatically when I switched meds. You mentioned this has been going on for some time, it almost sounds like you might have a hormone imbalance. You may want to go to your gp for some tests, as this can make a big difference. I went through this for 4 years while I was on paxil, so I know how frustrating it can be. Just relax, do some research and keep talking with your SO.
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 11:47:18 AM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 11:48:16 AM | |
VegasAngel Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,449 Last Post: 11/10/2009 Member Since: 10/12/2005 |
Is it that you just cant make it to home run so to speak or that you arent in the mood for sex at all or both? Maybe the underlying problem is medical. Have you brought your concern up to your ob/gyn or primary? They can order bloodwork to make sure your homone levels are normal. A lot of women with high prolactin levels have no sex drive (This would be me, ha). I take pills to keep it in check. That is something they would check with bloodwork. Maybe you just need to spice things up, visit a fun store perhaps.? Sorry for my chiildish phrases I just dont want to offend anyone. "Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly." GK Chesterton |
| Posted: 6/18/2008 11:48:16 AM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 12:40:19 PM | |
Starset Princess Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,475 Last Post: 11/23/2009 Member Since: 11/24/2004 |
I had this problem in my late twenties but I attributed it to the fact that my BF wasn't making me happy. He'd cancel committments and wouldn't help around the house and we never went out anywhere because he was a workaholic. I didn't 'turn myself off' out of punishment or being a martyr. I think it happened subconsciously because his actions weren't helping me feel loved. But I did notice when we took ten minutes or so to hold each other or kiss with no expectations (okay, okay it took longer than that to warm up) but eventually that would ignite the desire. But being intimate was something he took for granted where as I felt he needed to sort of, well, earn it.
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 12:40:19 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 1:26:22 PM | |
lisa1.01fvs1 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,101 Last Post: 9/4/2009 Member Since: 1/17/2008 |
Hey I totally get what ur saying. I have had bouts of zero interest! Have your thyroid checked and testosterone levels too! Testosterone is resp. for feeling amorous  that's why guys can get it on practically anytime anywhere.Estrogen, progesterone and prolactin play a role too. Too much prolactin and ur body feels like it is breastfeeding and nurturing a baby.
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 1:26:22 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 2:05:31 PM | |
dreamer_dachsie Ideal Rock Total Posts: 5,579 Last Post: 11/25/2009 Member Since: 12/16/2007 |
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, this is a sensitive topic to talk about so it is something that I think a lot of women suffer with silently. I have had bouts of very low libido and it seems to co-incide with high stress in my life. I also had a previous relationship where my partner was very manipulative around sex, and I carried those feelings of powerlessness into my marriage. I found that talking about my feelings with DH really helped. Also, try not to be so hard on your self! I know that when I was feeling low, I would feel very very guilty and beat myself up about it, which of course only added to the stress. When I stopped worrying about it, things really got better. After checking into biological causes, and searching yourself for psychological causes, I also recommend picking up a copy of "OUr Bodies Our Selves" by the Boston Women's Health Collective. This is a women's health encyclopedia written from a very woman-centered perspective, and beyond all the great medical advice there is a chapter on Sexuality that is really empowering, educational, and enlightening. I know it will help you, the book is available at most book stores. There are counsellors, both individual and couples, who specialize in these issues, and if it is inhibiting your well-being, then I encourage you to seek help! Keep us posted! *** Dreamer *** |
| Posted: 6/18/2008 2:05:31 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 2:15:45 PM | |
AmberWaves Ideal Rock Total Posts: 3,421 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 10/19/2005 |
I'm actually the opposite, with too much libido, with a husband who has a very LOW libido. I try to tack it onto stress and being busy at work. By the time he gets home he's just exhausted and wants to unwind. The way he unwinds is different from me- I like sex, he likes to watch a movie. It's a constant struggle. Just want to say that you're not alone- my husband is right along beside you! I think trying to remove yourself from the typical day to day trials and stresses and giving yourself a break. That may help!
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 2:15:45 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 2:46:08 PM | |
aprilcait Ideal Rock Total Posts: 785 Last Post: 10/23/2009 Member Since: 10/17/2006 |
You're not alone, hon'. I have the same issue. I used to have a high libido, now it's relatively low. It's practically non-existent when I have body image issues (i.e.: I feel bloated or feel like I need to lose a few) or when I'm feeling down. Unfortunately, I don't really have a resolution for you or advice, but I can definitely relate to what you're going through.
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 2:46:08 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 2:51:01 PM | |
SanDiegoLady Ideal Rock Total Posts: 14,245 Last Post: 11/25/2009 Member Since: 7/6/2005 |
Bless your hearts, I have walked in both sets of shoes.. I wish I could give advice but I am walking one of those paths even now.. all I can do is give you a hug.. 
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 2:51:01 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 5:00:23 PM | |
appletini Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,555 Last Post: 11/19/2009 Member Since: 11/29/2004 |
Date: 6/18/2008 2:15:45 PM AmberWaves, Author: AmberWaves I'm actually the opposite, with too much libido, with a husband who has a very LOW libido. I try to tack it onto stress and being busy at work. By the time he gets home he's just exhausted and wants to unwind. The way he unwinds is different from me- I like sex, he likes to watch a movie. It's a constant struggle. Just want to say that you're not alone- my husband is right along beside you! I think trying to remove yourself from the typical day to day trials and stresses and giving yourself a break. That may help! I'm so glad to see you say this because thats exactly how my DH and I are, and its the only complaint that I have ever had about our realationship. His friends wife told me that his other GFs in the past had complained about this too, so glad to know its not me. However, if I had to choose one problem area in a relationship I'd much rather it be this than anything else. He is very affectionate just not very horny. He is always very stressed with work, however when we go on trips we definitely "make up for lost time", so I guess the stress does have quite a bit to do with it. Uh_Oh_LwLibido, Try to create a romantic situation, bubble bath, shower, strawberries & champagne, chocolate, etc that might help you to get "in the mood."
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 5:00:23 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 5:31:05 PM | |
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AmberWaves Ideal Rock Total Posts: 3,421 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 10/19/2005 |
Appletini, I'm so glad you're "there" too! It was like that before me, too, he says he's just never really been much or a sex-guy, which I think makes him feel bad. He shows his affection in so many other ways, and like you, this is the only problem (well, that and the fact that he never does dishes), and after a few years together, I'm sure it could be worse. I think making an effort to just relax and enjoy your life and significant other can move mountains. 
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 5:31:05 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 5:39:11 PM | |
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appletini Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,555 Last Post: 11/19/2009 Member Since: 11/29/2004 |
Amber, I have joked with him that I'm going to start keeping a sex calendar so that he can see how infrequent it really is...its like once a month if I'm lucky, and everytime it does happen I'm like OMG, what if that was the last time ever...I'm 28 and I'm never going to have sex again.
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 5:39:11 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 5:42:57 PM | |
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AmberWaves Ideal Rock Total Posts: 3,421 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 10/19/2005 |
Sorry for the threadjack! Appletini, we should hang out. Sounds like we'll have a ton of spare time!
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 5:42:57 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 6:29:35 PM | |
Pandora II Ideal Rock Total Posts: 6,272 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 8/3/2006 |
Oh goodness, you are not alone. I would reckon we're at the twice a month if that level. Both of us have busy schedules and stressful jobs, several nights a week one of us won't get in till nearly midnight - we go to bed around 1am and really need to sleep! FI also has a compromised immune system (has no spleen) and gets ill a lot which doesn't help. Not that it isn't great when we do, but half the time we'd rather just have a cuddle! We have had long discussions about it and basically worked out that neither of us is worried about it so that makes it not a problem. We are also very affectionate with each other and do a lot of hugging! I have pointed out that if we want a kid we will have to schedule some sessions.  If I look back at past relationships where there was a LOT more in that department, a lot of the time I probably only wanted a cuddle and it ended up as more because that was the only way I was getting any physical affection. Or, I was very insecure in the relationship and was using it as a way to convince myself that things were better than they were. Or because there was a cycle of huge rows and making up afterwards going on. Sometimes if that has been the case it can be more difficult to feel so inclined in a healthy relationship as you haven't got the adrenaline that acts as an aphrodisiac going on. Sometimes it can also be that you have different body clocks - I'm more interested in the morning or late evening, FI is a 4pm type - not useful when you both work... The question for you is whether your partner actually has that x factor for you. I have had a relationship where the chemistry just wasn't there full stop. If it's not, it won't just arrive one day I'm afraid and it's something you will need to be honest with yourself about. Have you tried just going for kissing and a few more advanced bits, but having a ban on going the whole way for a while?
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 6:29:35 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 7:13:45 PM | |
Octavia Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,477 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 10/29/2007 |
Stress definitely affects me. My FI is understanding, but he doesn't really understand...if that makes sense. Anything you can do to reduce your stress will probably help, even if there is another underlying problem (side note: stress does all sorts of funky things to your body, not just to your libido. did you know it can even make your teeth shift positions?!?). Ditto to the suggestion to get your doctor to run tests, particularly since this isn't something that's just been going on for two weeks with a good explanation. I guarantee your doctor will have heard it before, so don't be embarrassed. In the meantime, I think Sabine had some really good suggestions about doing things that are intimate but not *intimate.* Sometimes just feeling cuddly and close to my FI emotionally helps me feel more physical. Even when it doesn't, it's never a bad thing to spend some quality, loving time together! Good luck, I hope you can start to feel better soon. There is hope, don't despair.
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 7:13:45 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 7:17:01 PM | |
EricaR Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,110 Last Post: 11/23/2009 Member Since: 12/4/2007 |
You really aren't alone! I am in the exact same situation and it is not that pleasant. For me, the hard part is getting into bed. Once I'm there it is fine, but its like I have a mental block when it comes to that. I am so stressed at work that when I get home all I want to do is be a slug. It is also hard because I go to bed a few hours before he does, so when he is in the mood I've already been asleep for an hour or two. I've found a few things that helps, mainly making it easier to get myself thinking about it. I take a shower in the evening so I'm already undressed, and I can sometimes even convince him to join me in the shower. A few nights a week I ask him to tuck me into bed at night - those cuddles can sometimes end up somewhere else. Another thing is that I'll offer to exchange massages with him. If something comes out of it, great. If not, well, I still got a massage! Its been really interesting reading this thread and I hope others speak up with ideas, too.
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 7:17:01 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 8:54:29 PM | |
iwannaprettyone Ideal Rock Total Posts: 3,548 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 2/5/2002 |
Wow, what a brave thread. I struggle with this too. Mainly as FI is gone during the week and home on weekends and he thinks I should be "rowdy and ready to go" when he strolls in on Saturday...YEAH RIGHT!!!! Between work, school and wedding planning you can forget it. I usually make him rub my feet and that leads to...well you get the picture. He has also figured out that doing a few little chores relieves my stress i.e. unload dish washer, mop etc., and puts my mind at ease. If you sit and think about your situation hard enought you can figure out (unless ofcourse it is hormonal) what the hinderance is. For me it is stress and the inability to shut out all my daily distractions. Good luck, and thanks for bringing this up.  ..i am sure that alot of women feel inadequete or faulty in the bedroom dept, when in truth the woman is a complicated being and cannot "hop to it" like a man can.Iwanna x (IWPO) |
| Posted: 6/18/2008 8:54:29 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 9:25:16 PM | |
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Olive Oil Rough Rock Total Posts: 60 Last Post: 7/13/2008 Member Since: 8/26/2006 |
Date: 6/18/2008 10:19:53 AM Author: Uh_Oh_LwLibido 3) I think so, um I guess... heck I don't know. Your number three makes me think maybe the answer is no? I only say this because I used to feel like I had a ridiculously low libido when I was younger, and my boyfriends would complain about it. (ETA - this left me feeling really bad, like there was something horribly wrong with me) I'll try to explain this in the least vulgar way possible....To use Vegas Angel's words, I never quite made the home run. But then I started seeing someone who spent a little more time focusing on me, and I discovered that if there's a guaranteed home run, then my libido problems seemed to be magically solved. But I don't blame the guys entirely, I never was able to pinpoint exactly what was wrong, even if they asked. You always hear people say that you need to communicate about the things that make you feel good, but I think part of the problem is that a lot of women don't know what they like, because they haven't experienced it. Maybe you can have a talk with your FI about this and do a little experimenting? Not in a 'I don't think you're doing this right' sort of way, but more you asking him to help you understand your body more. That said, maybe I'm totally wrong here. If so, I apologize for misinterpreting! It just reminded me of myself some time ago, and it sometimes irks me that if a woman isn't gung-ho about sex, the immediate assumption is that there's something wrong with her, that she needs to be 'fixed' somehow.
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| Posted: 6/18/2008 9:25:16 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 9:28:29 PM | |
LAJennifer Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,168 Last Post: 11/19/2009 Member Since: 3/2/2005 |
Date: 6/18/2008 5:00:23 PM Author: appletini Date: 6/18/2008 2:15:45 PM AmberWaves, Author: AmberWaves I'm actually the opposite, with too much libido, with a husband who has a very LOW libido. I try to tack it onto stress and being busy at work. By the time he gets home he's just exhausted and wants to unwind. The way he unwinds is different from me- I like sex, he likes to watch a movie. It's a constant struggle. Just want to say that you're not alone- my husband is right along beside you! I think trying to remove yourself from the typical day to day trials and stresses and giving yourself a break. That may help! I'm so glad to see you say this because thats exactly how my DH and I are, and its the only complaint that I have ever had about our realationship. His friends wife told me that his other GFs in the past had complained about this too, so glad to know its not me. However, if I had to choose one problem area in a relationship I'd much rather it be this than anything else. He is very affectionate just not very horny. He is always very stressed with work, however when we go on trips we definitely 'make up for lost time', so I guess the stress does have quite a bit to do with it. Uh_Oh_LwLibido, Try to create a romantic situation, bubble bath, shower, strawberries & champagne, chocolate, etc that might help you to get 'in the mood.' Me three. I've gotten to a point where I don't really care anymore - and I have to say, that my emotional connection to him suffers for it. We purchased some supplements at a drug store (stamina rx) and they seem to work (just have him take one an hour before). Getting him to take one, however, is a whole other struggle. _____________________________ |
| Posted: 6/18/2008 9:28:29 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 9:30:19 PM | |
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LAJennifer Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,168 Last Post: 11/19/2009 Member Since: 3/2/2005 |
Date: 6/18/2008 5:39:11 PM Author: appletini Amber, I have joked with him that I'm going to start keeping a sex calendar so that he can see how infrequent it really is...its like once a month if I'm lucky, and everytime it does happen I'm like OMG, what if that was the last time ever...I'm 28 and I'm never going to have sex again. Gosh, I totally know how you feel. _____________________________ |
| Posted: 6/18/2008 9:30:19 PM | |
| P: 6/18/2008 9:33:23 PM | |
diamondfan Ideal Rock Total Posts: 10,999 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 6/17/2005 |
Indy is spot on. Depression, certain meds, even low testosterone can affect libido in women. I would ask my gynecologist to run some blood work and check it out! I am sure you are fine, just worth checking out.
**************************** |
| Posted: 6/18/2008 9:33:23 PM | |
| P: 6/19/2008 1:14:30 AM | |
matildawong Cut Rock Total Posts: 330 Last Post: 12/30/2008 Member Since: 5/31/2007 |
"Uh Oh", - thank you for starting this thread. I don't have any advice but I think it's so great you were brave and started this discussion. I am in with AmberWaves, appletini and LAJennifer. What appletini said about thinking I might never have sex again and looking at the calendar, oh my god that's me!!! I have always had a very high sex drive and my FI - eh, not so much. I have felt so alone and just ... weird about this. So while I hate that others are in the same situation, hearing about it from others here kind of takes away that lonesome feeling surrounding me. IF that makes any sense at all.
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| Posted: 6/19/2008 1:14:30 AM | |
| P: 6/19/2008 1:24:51 AM | |
VRBeauty Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,605 Last Post: 11/24/2009 Member Since: 4/3/2006 |
Talk to your doc, and get your hormone levels checked. [note to EricaR: this goes for you too. I'm sure it varies from one woman to the next, but... in my case, I know that there is a connection between estrogen levels and the little voice that says "time to go to bed now, MINIMS."] Before you go down the path of assuming that somebody -- you or your sweetie -- is doing something results in your desire not revving up, see whether maybe it's your body that's not sending out signals for some reason.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
| Posted: 6/19/2008 1:24:51 AM | |
| P: 6/19/2008 5:27:14 AM | |
just_looking! Cut Rock Total Posts: 481 Last Post: 11/6/2009 Member Since: 7/25/2004 |
Progesterone is an antagonist for estrogen and there's a warning on the bottles of Progestelle I use about it  . Definitely worth getting estrogen, progesterone, testosterone and prolactin levels checked as these work togther with thyroid and adrenal hormones. Just a note that being hypothyroid often shows as low libido..... ============================= |
| Posted: 6/19/2008 5:27:14 AM | |
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Good Morning Ladies. I am a regular poster on PS but this is just too much for me to handle at the moment and wanted to hit this subject anonymously. 
to get me into bed and this has become a topic (somewhat heated at times) of regular discussion. FI is so understanding but the time has come for me to look into some other options. I want to feel that desire or longing that people describe, I have never felt that (well maybe when I was 13 pining over New Kids on the Block).
