Psychotic mother and a questions about satin

I'll ask the questions first, so you can skip past the drama if you'd like-- Is satin a "cheap" fabric that shouldn't be warn in the summer? Is satin the same as taffeta?


And if you care about drama, here it is-
Everytime I talk to my mother I thank heaven up above that I am getting married in Virginia where FI's family is, instead of in Maine where she is. As some of you know, I have been agonizing over wedding colors for a while, but I finally picked the BM's dress color (champagne) and designer (Bill Levkoff) and found a bunch of dresses that they can choose from in that color. They are all satin tea-length dresses. For some reason, and I have NO CLUE why I keep doing this to myself, I sent my mom an email with all the dresses on it. Then I emailed her to let her know that I had just sent her the email, and I described them to her on the phone. (She hadn't looked at them yet.) Then she starts to get into her rant about how satin isn't a good summer material, and when the girls sweat the dresses are going to appear wet. (Our wedding is outside, but there's a thing called deoderant.) I asked her where she got the idea that it was going to be so hot outside....and told her that it wasn't that hot when I was there last month. Then she got an attitude and said, "Remember, I've been there before. I know it's hot." and I replied, "I know you've been there before. I'm telling you that I was there last month, at the location, and it wasn't that hot." and then she told me she wanted to get off the phone. No biggie. I admit that I did get a little bit of an attitude with her, but its because she has been driving me CRAZZZZZYZYYY. Seriously, I can't even tell you. Actually I will, after this story.
So I'm kind of impressed that she wanted to get off the phone with me instead of getting into a heated argument. I could tell that it was heading that way, so I'm glad that she took the step to stop it before it ignited. She obviously checked her email and saw the dresses, and then responded to that email with this lovely gem:

"I think the dresses are beautiful but will stand by my word when I say you DO NOT wear satin in the summer! It is tacky and cheap looking and satin taffeta's are very very heavy fabric! I am pissed right now because you think you know everything and aren't willing to even consider you might be wrong! Get a f*cken clue amanda! I don't give a sh*t if you managed one warm week in virginia . It will be hot and YOU will be looking stupid wasting your money on dresses and photos! good luck with that!"

She's a classy lady for sure. Can't wait for FI's family to meet her!!!!!

I want the girls to be comfortable, but at the same time I get the feeling that girls have worn satin dresses to weddings in the summer in the past and have been just fine. Am I wrong? Aren't most bridesmaid dresses made of "cheap" satin?

At this point I just want to give up on her. I get so embaressed just *thinking* of FI's family meeting her. She is just a disturbed individual who needs serious psychiatric help. If I want to get along with her now, and this is typical, I'm going to have to call her up and talk to her like she's a five year old and tell her how sorry I am. I just can't take it anymore! And if she's right, I can't handle the thought of trying to pick new bridesmaid dresses again.

She has hated EVERY single idea I've had about my wedding. Hated the lantern favor idea. Hated the seperate BM dresses idea. Hated the sprinklers instead of rice idea. You know, when I told her about the lanterns, she actually sent me an emails saying, "I don't understand why you want lanterns when just the other day I sent you the link to some votives with your name and wedding date on it." Like she is expecting me to like and buy everything that she pics out. It's like she's pretty much saying, "I sent you a link to the votives that you are going to buy for your wedding because I like them." That's how it comes off to me in emails and just talking to her in person. And I have thrown away every single wedding favor i've gotten that has had someone's name and wedding date on it, which is why I'm not doing that. 

Then there was the wedding cake idea. She called me and told me that instead of having a wedding cake, I should make sure every table has their own individual cake, and so should FI and I. I told her that I really wanted a "real" wedding cake, and she went off on a tangent saying that it was going to melt. I told her we'll bring it outside at the last minute...or we'll get some portable A/C's if it's *really* that bad. (Which it WON'T be.) She said, "I hope your cake melts." and hung up. She's like a little kid.  Worst of all, she is pretending that its her wedding. She's calling up vendors and talking to them on the phone without consulting me first. FI's parents are handling the catering. She keeps asking me about it....wondering how FI's family is going to "handle" it. She asks me about food that I want served and then says, "no one eats that". She is just on my last fricking nerve and I am going to EXPLODE.

And she's manipulating stories to get me to agree with her. For instance, she's told me that every vendor in VA that she's talked to has asked her why we are getting married there, since it is "so hot" in the summer. Vendors. That want her money. Are trying to convince her that it's a bad idea to get married in VA in the summer. Okay!   Must be some secret VA rule that I don't know about....no weddings from May-September...and absolutely NO SATIN DRESSES!! I'm guessing that she is probably secretly wishing that I was having it in Maine so she could have full control and not have to worry about FI's family and the (gasp! ) catering! But like I said, I thank my lucky stars every DAY that I'm not having it there. I know for a fact that if I was I wouldn't have the wedding I want, and she'd probably treaten me with cancelling it everytime I disagreed with her.

I mean, I just don't even know what to do anymore. She is mortifying me. She is hateful, spiteful, stressful, and childish. I just don't think I can handle it anymore. She is going to embaress the hell out of me, I know it. She is the type of person who will burst into tears and cause a huge scene if you look at her the wrong way. She will make me look stupid, she'll probably make me cry...I mean, I could just go on and on. I could give you a million examples of what a mentally disturbed person she is, unrelated to the wedding--but I'll spare you. She just, isn't right. Nuts.

I don't need her money for the wedding, but she's been insisting on contributing since I'm her only child. (This is on her good days.) I would love to tell her to keep her money, stay out of my wedding planning, and just show up on the day of, but how do I do that nicely? I'm really desperate here. She is manipulative, vindictive, and just plain spiteful, yet she is generous, loving and helpful on good days. But I just don't want her help unless I ask for it. I don't want her opinion unless I ask for it. I want the wedding to be mine. Is there a way I can tell her to keep her money and leave me alone nicely?

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Note: Chainsaw Not Sold Separately.

I agree with KimberlyH...with one tiny detour... I would say to her that your wish for her, is for HER to spend HER money on HERSELF.  I would say you have been more than generous and I feel that you deserve to treat yourself to something you have been wanting for a long time.  Mom, it is time you do something just for you!  My wedding is all about me...and I want for once in your life to have something ALL about you!! (I would butter this situation with a heavy hand. That is if you are serious about not accepting her contribution.)  I realize this is not true...I mean about her generosity.  It sounds as if she has always steered the ship her way.  But I would still work this situation to my advantage and would be very careful not to offend her.  The end result would be the same...not accepting her money...so why not try this extra lathery way and butter her...
On a second point...you and I have similar volatile relations with our mothers.  My isn't a control nut...but she is correcting everything...even if she has it backwards or mis-quotes or half truths...and it sets me off like a firecracker.  I really feel for you.  Especially that you are dealing with this on the planning and execution of the wedding details.  It is stressful enough.

In your situation, I feel your mother is at a loss because she is not needed.  Her opinions are null...you are right she sounds childlike.  I think you are getting that response out of a deep anger, jealous spot, or maybe an abandonment feeling she has.  It is obviously you are an independent individual, with your own thoughts and opinions.  I think she is challenged by that.  The only way she knows to react is in a vindictive insulting manner.

There is scripture that reminds us there is no reasoning with a fool.  It means a foolish person is never open to other views.  Only theirs have merit.  You will not win this one.  Your only options are to take it, or separate yourself.  I think the idea of not accepting her support is a great way to head in the right direction.  You are dealing with a loaded cannon...turn it to your advantage...suggest that new cruise...or class...or cooktop...or sauna...eye lift...chin reduction...whatever it is she has been wanting...remind her this is her time to get it...with the money she was going to be so generous to GIFT to you.

On the satin taffeta issue...I have no idea.  But can't imagine it to be a major faux pas as she claims.  There are fashion rules...such as white and sandals...etc.  I don't know a taffeta rule.  Can you post some images for us?  And as for cake melting if it was going to...it would in a mini size or medium size, so individual cakes aren't going to stop it...if anything it would be harder to manage numerous ones.

I love your lanterns.  You can really carry that theme with other poignant areas.  I look forward to more conversations on your decor ideas as I have some to add.

Your wedding need not be page style number 30 in a book of 300.  Your vision and your ideas are just what they are.  Be confident in your unique ideas.  Walk them through the decision process, and if you deem them not practical, then change them or alter them your way.  Opinions are just that.  Just as this thread offers you multiple ways of dealing with it...you weigh which one is more appropriate...or you decide on your own.  None of us will go ballistic on you...well, I reserve that right!!

DKS

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VRBeauty

Thursday is the new Friday.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." Henry David Thoreau

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Don't Worry, Be Happy!

mmmm...diamonds.....

hmmm. So I guess if I should go for another fabric that I should just go ahead and make the girls all wear the same dress? Errr. I dunno. I just don't think it would be that big of a deal. The wedding is at night, on a lake, and if for some reason it's 100 degrees outside (heh) we could always get portable air conditioners. You'd think I was having them wear a down comforter.

Anyway, I wish I could say that I took all of your advice, which was really good advice, but I let her get the best of me.
Good news is, she won't have anything to do with the wedding anymore. Bad news is, we're on pretty bad terms now. But honestly, I wish you could see the way she talks to me. She is just so condescending and emotionally abusive. I meant well....but it escalated. Here are some snippets.

My response to her rude email:
It's not a bad thing if someone doesn't agree with you. Women have been wearing satin dresses in the summer since the beginning of time and they have managed. I think you're the one who needs a clue.

I know...the last line was pretty unecessary...but I was so livid!
Here was her response:

think for one minute. the dress you picked out for me is floor length. does it even occur to you that you are having an "outside wedding"? and that maybe it would look stupid in that setting? lets put it this way I am at the point where I want to tell you to just tell me where it is and when to show up because I think all your ideas are so messed up! you cant seem to fit into that skull of yours that if you have an outdoor wedding you need to adjust certain parts of it! you just want to do it your way and to hell with adjusting! you have certain sacrifices you need to make such as you wouldn't stand out in the rain and throw paper confetti would you ? of course not! it would stick to your skin! but probably not you right, cause you would demand that it not rain cause its your wedding! you should just not share anything with me! You should research your ocd and spend less time on dresses and cakes! seems that you want everything and aren't giving any consideration to other factors! I was married in the carribean in low humidity weather at about 75-85 degrees and I would never have put my wedding cake in the open restaurant location! I was smart enough to use the air conditioned restaurant so that the icing wouldn't melt! I would have thought that you would have been smart enough to see that people pass out in satin! that it isn't fabric that breaths! I would have thought that you would have been smart enough to choose something light like chiffon ( with all this research and all) But no! still the selfish little girl that knows everything ! like I said good luck with that one!

She's kind of dense. The lake comes with a lake HOUSE where the cake can be kept before serving. I've told her this a million times, but she's still convinced it's going to melt. But you can see from that email that she hates my ideas, she is basically telling me that all my ideas are stupid, and I am selfish for not agreeing that my ideas are stupid.

My response (I know I know I know...I was so riled up. I am just feeding the monster!!! Why oh why!!):

I have no problem with you just showing up.
I won't be talking to you about the wedding anymore. You talk to me like I'm an idiot, you're insulting, and I can't take it anymore. I'm not going to put up with it. I'll get my OCD checked out if you get your bipolar manic depressive disorder checked out. *okay, that wasn't very nice.*
So come to my wedding, criticize it behind my back, do whatever you'd like. I don't care. My wedding will be MY ideas, MY tastes, and if you wanted your dream wedding then you shouldn't have gotten married on an island. There is a thin line between being helpful and being a condescending person, and you've crossed it.
I have OCD, I'm selfish, I have messed up ideas, I am obsessive? Go ahead and keep your money. I'll try to remember to send you an invitation. *eh, probably could have left that out too.*

Her response:

Why would you tell me that *FI's* parents are loaded and would pay for everything? Are you trying to make me feel like less of a person? trying to make me feel bad? seems exactly what I dealt with when you were a kid!  when have you paid for any of your trips here or anywhere else? miss "Adult"! seems that you can expect everyone to pay your way and I have yet to see you do anything to help yourself. Before you accuse me of "taking away from you" by means of your wedding or trips or what ever else why don't you show me what you have put forward?  You should feel guilty about your condecending attitude! How you try to make me feel! hey last time I checked I was not the one who moved away, I was not the one who wanted you to pay my way anywhere and I was not the one asking you for anything! you use your love as a weapon to get what you want! hold it back if you dont. nothing new to me I am used to it, just wondering how long it will be before you try that game with *FI*! I don't feel guilty about anything! like YOU said...You are an ADULT ! You are responsible for YOU! not me! I love you but will not play your emotional games any longer.


That was just rambling, and I really didn't understand any of it. She's referencing another email I sent her when we were trying to figure out a wedding budget and I told her that FI's parents will probably handle the big stuff.  She's bringing up old stuff. Here's the story behind the trips--since I moved to TX seven years ago, she has paid for my ticket home to Maine every xmas. Last year, she told me at the last minute that she wasn't doing it, but told me in a very rude way that caught me completely off guard. It's not that I couldn't AFFORD my own ticket, it's that I thought that she *wanted* to do it, so I always just let her. FI's parents pay for him to fly to VA every year for xmas as well, so I figured it was just a "parent" thing. Instead of telling me that she didn't have the extra cash, she told me  that I was immature and selfish and that it was time I "grew up.". So needless to say, FI and I went to VA instead. I got a nice long voicemail with my mom bawling her eyes out about how much she missed me on xmas day though! When my mom found out that FI's parents paid, she told me that next year (this year) she was going to pay for FI and I both to go to Maine. Now, with being engaged and having the wedding in VA, I told her that I'm either going to go to VA only or try to do both, but only if she is still willing to help out. She FLIPPED out, just like last year, saying she didn't have any money and she said I was "selfish".  The only reason I asked is because she offered a few months earlier! She doens't owe me a ticket anywhere, but I just wish she could respond like an adult instead of being RUDE to me and accusing me of trying to make her feel bad!

Here is my last email to her...I was so mad at this point, I really shouldn't have written it. I should have taken a step back, breathed, and ignored it or at least got my thoughts in order. But she has talked down to me for so long that I have been holding all of this in forever and I felt like I really needed to get it out.

No wonder you had a heart attack at 36. You need to see a doctor. I say this not to insult you, but to help you....I really think you have severe emotional issues that you need checked out. It's not normal. It's like I want to insult you and attack you for what an ugly person you can be, but instead I feel bad for you. I thank my lucky stars every day that I decided on Virginia instead of Maine. You would make my life a living HELL and I know that. I wanted you to be a part of this wedding, and thought it would be better if you had some distance. Obviously it's not working out. You can't even handle that without letting the ugly side come out of you. You know...I don't need anything from you. I don't WANT anything from you. Forgive me for assuming you are going to pay for my ticket when you have done it every year and never notified me otherwise. Forgive me for asking you if you were still going to pay for us to come to Maine this year because you told me you WERE six months earlier. And that's where I'll leave that, because you love to bring up old issues and use it as ammo when you're pissed. Stop trying to pull me into your mind game. I'm not a kid anymore and I'm not going to talk about issues from years ago. I never said that *FI's* parents are "loaded" and will take care of everything. You're obviously feeling bad that you can't and you seem to like to make me think that I "made" you feel that way. Give me a break. See a counselor for goodness sake. I'm dead serious. You hang on to way too much stuff.

You want me to tell you that you're an embaressment because YOU think you are.

Don't email me back. You exhaust me. I can't keep up with your hot/cold attitude. You are nice and generous one minute, and then you take a complete 180 and berate me and talk down to me...insulting me and making me feel like a piece of crap. In the last couple of weeks I've been called a b*tch, a bridezilla (forgive me for having my own opinion) a selfish person with OCD, a user, what else?
Those are the words of a loving mother right there. You can be an ugly ugly person and you're only hurting yourself, because I told myself a long time ago that I'm going to let the way you treat me roll off of my back so that I don't end up like YOU.

Then she wrote back and said "you've got your wish"


So as you can see she is extremely clever. She got me to lose my cool, and now she can forever say that I told her not to be a part of my wedding.

I warned FI's family about her when we were in VA. I told them that she is very hot/cold, very sensitive, and always the victim. I also told them that I couldn't say for sure what she would put toward the wedding because it depends on her mood and whether she is "broke" or "loaded" that day. If I was getting married in Maine right now, what she would do is abandon the whole project and tell me to figure it out on my own...from TX. Thank goodness for FI's family. Our families are completely different. FI's family are all college educated adults who enjoy eachother's company...my family is the complete opposite.

My mother was a high school dropout who had me when she was 19. She did her best to support me, but there were times we were on government assistance. Somtimes she would have a couple of jobs  and I would never see her. I think she feels bad about that. We fought CONSTANTLY when I was a teenager, and sad to say, but she IS the reason I moved to TX seven years ago. She knows she drove me here, and I can tell it eats at her. But instead of dealing with HER, she deflects the blame to ME. That's why every argument always reflects on the past, and how she did EVERYTHING for me, and I just "hated" her. Which isn't true, but in her head it IS true. She convinces herself of a lot of things to make herself feel better. She's convinced that she begged me to go to summer camp and I was a little brat who said NO. That never happened. Truth is, we could have never afforded summer camp. She holds a lot of guilt, and it makes her feel better to blame it on me. I didn't go to her wedding a few years ago. She told me that she invited me to go but I told her I'd rather go visit FI's family. She never invited me. She told me it was just going to be her and her husband in Cancun. So, I made plans to go visit FI's family with him....and now she tells me that I "chose" them over her. I wanted to go...she said it was just going to be her and her husband!!! She's crazy. heh.

..:*If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again*:..

Sha

"Be kind! Everyone you meet is fighting a difficult battle".

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"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without..."

Confucius

Hi LuckyStar, I think you have a lot of issues to iron out with your mother. From what I have read, you have very strong opinions about her and it seems that she feels the same about you too. No offence, but I am actually surprised by your choice of words to describe her when she is your mom afterall - I hope you are writing these words because you are angry, not because you mean it. Perhaps there is some truth in what she have mentioned about the satin because there are others in the forum who are suggesting different fabrics. I wish your relationship with your mom will improve. Life is short, there may come a time where you wish you could take back the words you have said but couldn't. Good luck in the wedding planning..