TGIF: Favorite (Clean) Jokes

A friend sent me these on New Year's Day and I loved them:

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for
the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to
have to put him down." "What? Because he's
cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are
Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it
must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or
maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet
him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the
top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't . I've
cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled
a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but
when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the
bar tender here?"

(*•.¸(`*•.¸¸.•*´)¸.•*)
¨`•.¸ *belle*¸.• ´¨
(¸.•*(¸.•*´ `*•.¸)*•.¸)

____________________________________________________
"Be more concerned with your character, because your character is what
you really are your reputation is merely what others think you are."


"Life was perfect when the marshmallow was the size of your hand..."

Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

______________________________ Stewart says: I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggon'it, people like me.

A blonde cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking
a sip out of each one in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you
bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when
we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my
sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
want to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her
eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that I quit drinking."
"My sisters haven't though."

____________________________________________________
"Be more concerned with your character, because your character is what
you really are your reputation is merely what others think you are."


"Life was perfect when the marshmallow was the size of your hand..."

Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Some More



Purchasing a new bird
 After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"





He is a very smart dog
 I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."






Sounds of the Wild
 A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

____________________________________________________
"Be more concerned with your character, because your character is what
you really are your reputation is merely what others think you are."


"Life was perfect when the marshmallow was the size of your hand..."

Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

OK, last one for now





Long but funny:

Feline Physics Laws


 Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

____________________________________________________
"Be more concerned with your character, because your character is what
you really are your reputation is merely what others think you are."


"Life was perfect when the marshmallow was the size of your hand..."

Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

How do fit a 500 pound woman in to size 5 dress?

Take the F out of FIVE,

THEN

Take the F out of WEIGH.

***2 one way tickets and a diamond ring, hell it don't matter what the rain might bring...***

~~~~~~~~~~
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have a clear conscience or none at all. Ogden Nash

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are  seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters,  orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.. The two builders start to  speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an  accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He  ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument  repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave  and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is  standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the  builder...

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate  were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a  Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh! What's that  then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish  at home?

Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit:  - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is  it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to  suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I  have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in  this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: -  As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!

Suit: -  Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that  you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably  married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four  children..

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a  week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not  masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!

Suit: - Well  there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that  then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told  you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ...  thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his  mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he  does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that  then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a  goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

.:.

What has been walked on is not where I want to go.

.:.

Hubby's an engineer, and here's his contribution:

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house on the Gold Coast with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to Australia.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

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Three accountants and three engineers were to take a train from London to a company conference in Birmingham. At the station, the three accountants each bought a ticket. However, only one of the engineers paid up.
The accountants said " There are three of you, you need three tickets!"

The engineers replied "This is innovation in action. Watch and learn, mortals!"

Upon boarding the train, all three engineers crammed into a toilet and shut the door to wait for the ticket inspector. As the inspector passed the toilet, he knocked on the door and said "tickets please!" The door opened a crack, a hand emerged and gave the ticket to the inspector, who took it and continued on his way. The engineers duly emerged and took their seats for the rest of the five-hour journey.

The accountants were duly impressed, yet jealous. "Six can play at that game" they decided.

And so for the ten-hour return journey only one accountant bought a ticket. However, this time, the engineers bought none!

The accountants said "You need at least one ticket!"

The engineers replied "Our technology is in a constant state of development. We do not imitate, we innovate. Watch and learn, mortals!"

Upon boarding once more, the accountants crammed into one toilet and the engineers crammed into the toilet next door. Once the train had left the station, an engineer quietly opened the door of their toilet and knocked on the accountants' door.

"Tickets please!" he said.

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Dilbert's Salary Theorem
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical derivation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a mobile phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet, where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep", said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not", answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required", answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

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 A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "you are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.

"I am" replied the woman "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost Frankly you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "you must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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 To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[Dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They ost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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 Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions:
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as squawks," submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal
seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

.:.

What has been walked on is not where I want to go.

.:.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

My favorite color is sparkle!!!

Date: 2/18/2005 64:49 PM
Author: Matata
This isn't a joke, which makes it funnier in a twisted sort of way

____________________________________________________
"Be more concerned with your character, because your character is what
you really are your reputation is merely what others think you are."


"Life was perfect when the marshmallow was the size of your hand..."

Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Date: 2/18/2005 10:34:30 PM
Author: glaucomflecken

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

true story: when i was in college i had a goldfish named Mr. Fishy that literally lost one of his eyes. my roommate was feeding it one day and noticed it just had a socket on one side, no eyeball!

So a girl across the hall from us sent a condolence card that said 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss, Mr. FSHY' I said, why did you spell his name like that? and she replied, 'because he lost an eye!'

"People who possess great qualities, do not need to show off".

Date: 2/19/2005 10:18:25 AM
Author: canuk-gal

Date: 2/18/2005 10:34:30 PM

Author: glaucomflecken

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

true story: when i was in college i had a goldfish named Mr. Fishy that literally lost one of his eyes. my roommate was feeding it one day and noticed it just had a socket on one side, no eyeball!


So a girl across the hall from us sent a condolence card that said 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss, Mr. FSHY' I said, why did you spell his name like that? and she replied, 'because he lost an eye!'

HI:


Are you sure this isn't an Optomotry inside joke Glaucomaflecken??? LOL P.S. Sorry about your recent ring troubles......


cheers--Sharon

My favorite color is sparkle!!!

John

__________________________

John Pollard

Whiteflash Director of Education 2004-2007

_______________________
<< Everyday is a gift, which is why we call today "the present" >>

Improvements in Hell 

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?
 
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The Clever Famer 

Q: Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
A: Because he wanted mashed potatoes
 
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Sobriety Test 

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"
 

 

When the doors of perception are cleansed people will see things as they truely are - Jim Morrison

At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid. - Friedrich Nietzsche

........... Karl has joined the diamond trade and is now posting as Karl_K