|
|
|
|
| ||
Diamond Jewelry Forums
 Picture Gallery
 Video Gallery
 Journal
|
|||
|
|  Search
|  Posted Today
|  Most Active
|  Help
|
||
 »
Home
»  » Proposals, Weddings and More »
 » Bride World Wide & Grooms Grooves
»  » How is your relationship with FMIL?
|
| Pages: 1 of 8: [1] 2 3 4 5 6 ... > |
|
 |
How is your relationship with FMIL? |
 |
| P: 6/5/2009 7:23:04 AM | |
allycat0303 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,928 Last Post: 11/15/2009 Member Since: 11/19/2004 |
I used to have an AMAZING relationship with her. But since the wedding planning began in earnest, not so much. There's a lot of tension around us. I became adament that there would be no OVERT sign of mourning for my FIL at the wedding. We will light a candle, have his picture displayed prominently, and the speeches will be about him, but she has stated she wants more, and I get the feeling she's really *annoyed* that I vetoed the other ideas. I'm annoyed because we're paying for the wedding, and I feel she pushed for things which I really didn't agree with (she demanded a limo, champagne for toasts, and chose church readings etc, fighting for processional music). My family is MORMON alchohol is a big NO NO for us. We have open bar already AND full 1/2 liter of wine per person AND massive quantities of cocktail. I think we could have skipped the champagne toast. The toast (1 flute per guest) is 2000$ extra. I think limos are a complete waste of money. And I DO NOT want to walk into the church to the traditional wedding march song. I HATE it. And she keeps pushing for it. I also think it's a big concession for a Mormon girl to get married in a CATHOLIC church, and this was done because SHE wanted it. Between FMIL, my mother, my sister, and future husband, the only thing I decided on without any compromises was my photographer. So, how is your relationship with FMIL? Better or worst? Or unaffected by the wedding planning/stress? An uneasy truce? Or maybe she couldn't care less (which I am beginning to think it the BEST way to be a MIL). |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 7:23:04 AM | |
|
There are 225 replies to this message. There are 30 replies on this page. |
|
| P: 6/5/2009 7:37:57 AM | |
princessplease Ideal Rock Total Posts: 3,494 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 2/20/2009 |
I'm sorry you're going through this!!!! You wedding is about you, especially since you're forking over the bill! You should be able to do what you want how you want!  I'm very lucky that FMIL is staying out of it. However, she's offered to help (if I want it in planning) seeing as both of her daughters got married in '06 and a few weeks ago. FI's parents are giving us money, so I've told her she obviously can add (within reason) who she wants to the guest list. ______________________________ |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 7:37:57 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 8:04:30 AM | |
iloveprincesscuts Ideal Rock Total Posts: 882 Last Post: 9/15/2009 Member Since: 5/4/2008 |
Im sorry Allycat but I can't answer this one. I made the mistake of telling my MIL and FSIL about pricescope. They now stalk pricescope for my threads and then get upset with me for what I write (telling the family and everyone!).  So I can't respond........... LOL - at least you are not in my shoes!    
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 8:04:30 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 8:05:06 AM | |
ilovesparkles Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,179 Last Post: 10/13/2009 Member Since: 2/13/2006 |
I'm really sorry Ally, it really sucks going through this kind of pressure and control when YOU are the bride. I, unfortunately, feel your pain all too well. Although I must say, your FMIL is acting worse than mine! Since H finally put his mother in her place, she hasn't been so bad. But it took a while and I endured enough before it happened. FMIL starts throwing daily hissy fits because "Everybody is talking about the wedding, and nobody will tell me anything! Why won't anyone tell me everything about the wedding!" This is about 2 weeks after we got engaged!!!!!! So H finally sits down with her and lays it out that we were going to talk to her during my next visit, but since she can't wait here is what we were going to address first. Budget, would his parents like to contribute? My FMIL first states that traditionally the groom's parents only pay for the rehearsal dinner, so that is what they are doing. They refuse to contribute to our wedding because we are having it in my home state of MN, from which I am leaving my entire life, career, friends, and family behind, to move to NE to be with H and his family. Instead, she is going to throw a $3000 reception in NE when we return from our honeymoon. She then goes on to put lies into my mother's mouth and state she agrees with her supposed opinion. Furthermore, if my grandfather is on the board of the hospital where I work, he surely is a rich man and can afford to foot the bill for me as well. She also said some other not so nice things about my grandfather. I was LIVID. She had the audacity to say these things about my family members after a 10 minute phone conversation with my mother, the first "meeting" if you will. She twisted my mother's words and made these ridiculous assumptions about my grandpa. I clarified for H that my grandpa was a VOLUNTEER member on the board and in charge of fundraising. He is not a frivolous man, but quite frugal. And we will be blessed if he would like to contribute but nothing should ever be expected! We are not a well off family as a whole and my grandfather is not the type to spend ridiculous amounts of money, anywhere, for anything!After confronting his mother about the things she said, she got mad at H for miscommunicating what she really meant! Really?!?!?! Blame H for the twisted things you said! Ugh. He also spent the next day trying to explain why it was so important for the wedding and reception to be in MN, and just because all her friends couldn't come, didn't mean we wanted an additional reception in NE for his parents friends. She also needs to invite all her clients. I eventually dropped the feelings of disgust with her need to make everything about her, and said if she wants this reception in NE, fine. But she WILL not have a say in anything that has to do with my wedding! She has since cooled off a bit, and I am trying to accept and rebuild the relationship I had with her before this all happened. But it isn't easy.I guess in the end, after all my rambling (sorry!), I am marrying into H's family, and living within 5 minutes of his parents. So I need to make the best of the situation and try to build the best relationship I can with FMIL. Sigh. Again Ally, I am sorry you are going through all of this as well! HUGS!
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 8:05:06 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 8:06:17 AM | |
|
allycat0303 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,928 Last Post: 11/15/2009 Member Since: 11/19/2004 |
Princessplease: I always thought that us PAYING for the wedding would mean that we would be able to make decisions. That was really not the case. I think it would have been the same regardless. Case in point, I invited 5 friends (they are bringing dates) my fiance invited 7 friends (they are bringing dates). Total is 24 guests. We have 125 people attending. All of that is the parents!!! And a lot of people I have NEVER met. Your MIL sounds lovely. I guess since she already had 2 daughters who got married, she's done the wedding thing enough, and doesn't feel the need to plan yours too. (Although contributing was a very nice gesture on her part.) iloveprincesscuts: Oh my gosh! That's hilarious. But I guess some people are worst off then me! ilovesparkles: Oh No! That's beyond awful. Personal attacks against your family???? Big no no. I can't believe that happened to you. She does not sound very nice at all. Whoa. I'm stunned you could even put up with that. My situation is COMPLETELY small patatoes compared to you. My FMIL and I just have a *tension* but I could never imagine her saying something bad about my family. And I would hit the roof. I hope you are going to give her ZERO input power. And limit her guest list! Jeez. And thank goodness you are having it in your hometown so she won't be there to make your life hell during the planning. |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 8:06:17 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 8:11:52 AM | |
SapphireLover Cut Rock Total Posts: 350 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 1/13/2009 |
Allycat I think you are being more than good to her. Put your foot down. Alcohol when your family are Mormon and getting married in a Catholic Church is more than enough. What else does she want you to do for her late husband? My father passed away last year and I haven't thought about how we are going to honour him at the wedding (except that my dress will have a pocket for a picture of him so he can walk me down the aisle). Candles, memories in speeches seem more than enough to show that you are all thinking about him. In answer to the question though, my relationship with FMIL is great. She is so different from my mum. She is a retired nurse living in a very rural area (aka the Land that Fashion Forgot). My mum is a typical loud Jewish mother. My mum is paying for the wedding. We are having a small wedding (100 people) and my mum already has a list of 50 she "has to" invite. When asking who FMIL wanted to invite, all she wanted was DF's aunts and uncles, told us to save the space to fill it up with our friends, as thats what weddings should be about. She is absolutely lovely and I love her to bits. I do love my mother as well, they are just very different!
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 8:11:52 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 8:12:48 AM | |
|
SapphireLover Cut Rock Total Posts: 350 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 1/13/2009 |
Date: 6/5/2009 8:04:30 AM Author: iloveprincesscuts Im sorry Allycat but I can't answer this one. I made the mistake of telling my MIL and FSIL about pricescope. They now stalk pricescope for my threads and then get upset with me for what I write (telling the family and everyone!). So I can't respond........... LOL - at least you are not in my shoes! Just noticed this- why oh why would you tell them? You need to cancel your membership, register in a new name and get B!TCH!N'
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 8:12:48 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 8:19:17 AM | |
|
allycat0303 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,928 Last Post: 11/15/2009 Member Since: 11/19/2004 |
Sapphire: Well she wanted things on the lapel for everyone. A black bow on my dress, and she commented that the flowers and bridesmaid dresses were a tad *festive* for a wedding, but that was all. I held my ground because I think it should look like a wedding. (And my sister would have refused to wear a black or brown or navy bridesmaid dress). And honestly, I don't want to wear a black bow on my dress. Black for asians at weddings it a BIG NO NO. So that's it. It might seem disrespectful, but my FIL wanted us to go on with this wedding, and I don't think he would have asked this of me. I've seen a PS'er that had an empty seat at the front her her father. I believe they had a white rose placed on the chair, or the pew. I thought that was exceedingly lovely gesture. Would that be something you would like to do? I liked that idea but FMIL said she would feel alone, so we're not doing that. |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 8:19:17 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 8:28:34 AM | |
|
SapphireLover Cut Rock Total Posts: 350 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 1/13/2009 |
Date: 6/5/2009 8:19:17 AM Author: allycat0303 Sapphire: Well she wanted things on the lapel for everyone. A black bow on my dress, and she commented that the flowers and bridesmaid dresses were a tad *festive* for a wedding, but that was all. I held my ground because I think it should look like a wedding. (And my sister would have refused to wear a black or brown or navy bridesmaid dress). And honestly, I don't want to wear a black bow on my dress. Black for asians at weddings it a BIG NO NO. So that's it. It might seem disrespectful, but my FIL wanted us to go on with this wedding, and I don't think he would have asked this of me. I've seen a PS'er that had an empty seat at the front her her father. I believe they had a white rose placed on the chair, or the pew. I thought that was exceedingly lovely gesture. Would that be something you would like to do? I liked that idea but FMIL said she would feel alone, so we're not doing that. I agree with your FMIL on the empty chair thing. While we want to remember my dad, I don't want to remind my mum that she is alone. Lapel pins? Black ribbons? I am sorry. It is a wedding and weddings are festive. I am sure my Dad would have a fit if we turned my wedding into a mini-mourn-a-thon because he wasn't there.
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 8:28:34 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 8:36:21 AM | |
|
allycat0303 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,928 Last Post: 11/15/2009 Member Since: 11/19/2004 |
Sapphire: It's really hard to know what to do you know? FMIL will be sitting at our table with her oldest son and his girlfriend. Same with the in the church (front pew). FBIL is going to be really present which is good. Lighting a candle, or perhaps your officiant (rabbi) could mention your father briefly. I agree about the black lapel things. I am going to order boutoniere's (originally I didn't want any) but she chose roses because it was by FIL's favorite flower. He actually nagged, and nagged me about planting one in our garden. Good memories. I also have some in my bouquet. I actually don't like roses at ALL, but I think FIL would have had a chuckle. |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 8:36:21 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 8:43:38 AM | |
Deelight Ideal Rock Total Posts: 5,078 Last Post: 11/21/2009 Member Since: 10/4/2007 |
Ally if she is being that demanding and your paying for everything I would be tempted to give her the bill and a pay by date (reality is IRL I would likely never do something like that but I would be tempted). I am so sorry your going through this...I hope that it does get better for you *hugs* __________________________________________________________  Sometimes if your really lucky all your dreams do come true ............... |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 8:43:38 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 8:54:30 AM | |
|
allycat0303 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,928 Last Post: 11/15/2009 Member Since: 11/19/2004 |
Deelight: Especially since the wedding is about 3 weeks away  . We still have the final payment due though, so don't give me ideas  . In retrospect, I should have known that I don't have the strength to say, "NO.We will be doing it this way" and just talked to them about contributing ya know? I just always thought that when you paid, the parents *naturally realized* that they had no say, and just SHOWED UP at the wedding. Like some unwritten rule that all parents knew. That was a big financial mistake on my part. Especially since, if we really had our way, our guest list would have topped off at 52 people because we would have invited out 24 guests and our immediate family. Since everyone else we have seen LESS then 1 in the last 3 years. |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 8:54:30 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 8:59:44 AM | |
|
Deelight Ideal Rock Total Posts: 5,078 Last Post: 11/21/2009 Member Since: 10/4/2007 |
Date: 6/5/2009 8:54:30 AM Author: allycat0303 Deelight: Especially since the wedding is about 3 weeks away . We still have the final payment due though, so don't give me ideas . In retrospect, I should have known that I don't have the strength to say, 'NO.We will be doing it this way' and just talked to them about contributing ya know? I just always thought that when you paid, the parents *naturally realized* that they had no say, and just SHOWED UP at the wedding. Like some unwritten rule that all parents knew. That was a big financial mistake on my part. Especially since, if we really had our way, our guest list would have topped off at 52 people because we would have invited out 24 guests and our immediate family. Since everyone else we have seen LESS then 1 in the last 3 years. I think the unwritten rules are only known by the PS brides - but they sure are written all over the place here  , weddings bring out the crazy in some people.3wks you still have time to submit the bill LOL, wonder if that would make her back off, most likely it could make things worse. __________________________________________________________ Sometimes if your really lucky all your dreams do come true ............... |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 8:59:44 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 9:10:29 AM | |
honey22 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 3,950 Last Post: 11/19/2009 Member Since: 7/29/2007 |
Sorry to hear that you are still having so much stress with the inlaws (or should I say outlaws ) Ally. Try and stick to your guns, it's your wedding, and you are paying for it! I almost feel guilty saying I have an awesome relationship with my MIL. We do shopping trips together, etc, and get along really well. We have spent some great days together planning things for the wedding, she is just thrilled to be involved. It's great seeing her energy and excitment. To top things off, my Mum and her get along like a house on fire too, which is just fabulous. I have known her for 13 years now, and we can definately say we are friends too. I love her, I am happy to be her daughter in law, and we quite often share a giggle together, to know that in a few months, we will have the same name!  I even tell her about my friend's monster-in-laws and we both agree that it's great that we have such a great relationship. It would be so hard for FI if we didn't get along.
Wedding Date Take 2: 26th November 2009! |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 9:10:29 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 9:33:43 AM | |
Clairitek Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,828 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 7/21/2008 |
I count my lucky stars that I have a great relationship with my FMIL and FFIL. I was actually just talking about this with my aunt today. Both FI and I are marrying into relatively normal families. Fingers crossed it stays that way! FMIL doesn't have a daughter so I think she is grateful that she has me now. I actually found my wedding dress while shopping with her. My mother isn't really into weddings so it was nice to have someone around who didn't mind traipsing to bridal salons with me. In the past I've suggested activities for just the two of us (like a home decoriating class at Pottery Barn or shopping for specific wedding items) and she is always game to hang out. I really hope this keeps up and if we still live in this area (less than an hour from FI's parents) when we have kids I will be happy for the help. Ally- I'm sorry that the relationship with your FMIL has changed and she has pushed you in to wedding choices that really aren't your own. I hope that your relationship returns to somewhat normal in a few weeks once you and hockeyguy are married. ***-**-*-**-*** |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 9:33:43 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 9:55:10 AM | |
Porridge Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,610 Last Post: 11/21/2009 Member Since: 10/27/2008 |
I'm so lucky with her, she's wonderful. She's full of gentle good advice about the wedding and everything but not in the least bit pushy. She's really great.
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 9:55:10 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 10:24:30 AM | |
elrohwen Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,906 Last Post: 11/21/2009 Member Since: 5/20/2008 |
I'm sorry you have to go through this! When things get into religion and the recently deceased, I'm sure it's hard to come to an agreement and someone is going to feel like they're not being heard. Unfortunately for your FMIL, I think since it's your wedding that you're paying for, you and your FI should get the final say and not her. My relationship with FMIL is good. She annoys me at times, but hey, my own mom annoys me at times too. That's what moms do! The only issue I had recently was when she started pushing the kids thing already and I kind of brushed it off and said not for some years now (we're only 25). FI's in total agreement with me (honestly, we don't know if we'll ever want to have kids), but FMIL approached him later and was upset saying "You want kids! You need to come to an agreement with her about this because you're going to be very unhappy if she doesn't want to have kids." Umm, excuse me? This is between us and we have discussed it and are in total agreement. I just thought that crossed a bit of a line. But hey, if that's all I have to deal with, I have it easy.
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 10:24:30 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 10:31:32 AM | |
|
elrohwen Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,906 Last Post: 11/21/2009 Member Since: 5/20/2008 |
Date: 6/5/2009 8:19:17 AM Author: allycat0303 I've seen a PS'er that had an empty seat at the front her her father. I believe they had a white rose placed on the chair, or the pew. I thought that was exceedingly lovely gesture. Would that be something you would like to do? I liked that idea but FMIL said she would feel alone, so we're not doing that. My FIL passed away 6 or so years ago and I know the family still feels the loss very strongly. I think we're going to have an empty seat for him, but I'm not sure what else. FMIL has a boyfriend now who will join her, so she definitely won't be alone, though I'm sure she'll miss her husband very much. I think she even asked us if we would leave a seat for him and I thought it was a beautiful idea.
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 10:31:32 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 11:08:13 AM | |
|
princessplease Ideal Rock Total Posts: 3,494 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 2/20/2009 |
Ally, I completely agree with you. It seems as though she is taking the reigns and you should be upset. You and your FI are paying for it, so you should ultimately have control over your guestlist/music/expenses/etc. I completely understand her wanting to honor her late husband, the candle, speeches and picture are enough. Not so sound like a b**ch, but it's your wedding, and I'm sure the family already mourned the loss of FIL. Your wedding is not the place to continue mourning the loss. Honestly, I would not budge on the song. That's the beginning to the most important part of the entire wedding: your marriage. You have every right to have it the way you want it, and from what you wrote, you are not a fan at all of the traditional music. It's not fair to you that you may be feelings those feelings while marching in because you couldn't choose the song you want. ______________________________ |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 11:08:13 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 11:28:22 AM | |
rhbgirl24 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,085 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 2/6/2009 |
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It all seems too much for her to ask for! As for my FMIL, our relationship has actually gotten closer. They used to call me my fiance's "friend" even though we've been dating for 12 years, now that have a more appropriate title to call me. I think that made it easier on them. Plus she has offered above and beyond with helping with anything she can think of and have been very patient when was she suggests isn't what we want. Go figure. I just know I'm grateful! Don't worry I am sure it will all work out! This is your and your fiance's day. Not hers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 11:28:22 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 11:50:30 AM | |
bee* Ideal Rock Total Posts: 11,094 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 5/14/2006 |
Ally, she sounds totally ridiculous with all the things that she's asking for-she really needs to be told no. I get along fine with D's mam-we're going out for dinner tonight. She can be demanding but I am well able to stand up to her in a polite way and I won't change my ideas for her. She is not bad as a FMIL at all.
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 11:50:30 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 11:54:36 AM | |
cocolaw Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,306 Last Post: 11/11/2009 Member Since: 8/29/2008 |
ugg..i have so many stories that i will not even get into! i think this sums it up: my fiance has a very demanding job...a few weeks ago he was very busy and had to bring work home and was unable to have his nightly (yes nightly, 30 min-hr long) conversation with his mother for a few days. so she called me while he was at work and said "i have a gut feeling, call it mother's intuition, that something is wrong between you and fiance. that you are having relationship problems. what is going on?" i was livid, but remained composed and explained that he is just very busy at work, thats all. so...she CALLED HIM AT WORK to ask him the same thing. i love my fiance and i know what i'm getting myself into!
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 11:54:36 AM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 12:01:13 PM | |
Morgie44 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 584 Last Post: 11/19/2009 Member Since: 12/13/2007 |
I am so sorry this is happening! My situation is the exact opposite almost. My FMIL is extremely hands off, and it really hurts my feelings at times because I feel like she just couldn't care less about our wedding. FI and I had been dating for a year or so when his sister got married and she was very very involved in her wedding, and now she is just kind of like tell me when to show up... doesn't even ask how things are going or anything like that. Maybe I am being overly sensitive, but it makes me really sad sometimes.
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 12:01:13 PM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 12:10:08 PM | |
fiery Ideal Rock Total Posts: 4,104 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 5/18/2008 |
FMIL and I have gotten along very well from day one. I tell her that she's my mom away from my mom. When we got engaged, it didn't change our relationship at all. As for wedding planning, since we were going to pay for it all she didn't want to have any input. I like to involve her in stuff because she doesn't have any daugthers so I took her with me when we were narrowing down venues and also did a quick cake test with her (not a formal one, I bought slices and we sat together to try them out). Now that we are having a baby, there were some uneasy boundary issues that we have since worked out. I tried not to let it get to me because I knew it wasn't coming from a bad place. She was just very excited to be a grandmother and once we had our conversation about things that are appropriate vs. inappropriate, it smoothed things over. I think the key with my relationship with her is that I know she's a very good woman. She has a heart of gold and cares a lot about her boys. So when she does annoy me, I remember who she really is and I make myself calm down and think rationally. **** As for your situation, is your FMIL someone that you would be able to sit down and talk with about these boundary issues? Is she someone that can handle these types of conversations without flipping out?
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 12:10:08 PM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 12:56:44 PM | |
tyty333 Ideal Rock Total Posts: 2,372 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 12/17/2008 |
I didnt read all the post so you've probably already been told this but...just incase not... Tell your FMIL that you are not having a champange toast (unless of course she wants to pay for). Make sure if she does that it gets paid for in advanced. Quite talking to her about the wedding/reception. If she ask a question just give her a vague non-committal answer. Change the subject...then do what you want at the wedding/reception! I know it may not be as easy as this sounds but if you stop sharing info wtih her then it makes it easier to do what you want. Vague non-committal answers - we'll see - I'm not sure - I have to talk to my Mom...sister..caterer about that - I havent thought about it - I'm not sure what I told them - I cant remember - I have to go look at my wedding notes (which you never have with you) - we'll think about it - thats an interesting idea (*but it aint gonna happen*) Have a blast at your wedding/reception! |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 12:56:44 PM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 1:21:21 PM | |
SarahLovesJS Ideal Rock Total Posts: 4,972 Last Post: 11/19/2009 Member Since: 2/3/2008 |
Ally..I feel you 100%. FMIL loved me..talked about how great I was, was always nice to me, etc. Wedding planning was going smoothly at first..she was "excited" and was involved. And now? Well. Let's just say since around last fall it's gone dramatically down hill. So now I feel the need to say, "What relationship?" Most of the time she ignores me..in fact I think she's trying to pretend like I don't exist. She was offended and acted as if she was inconvenienced to even be asked to be involved with the wedding planning doing what she should do as the groom's mother. There are some compounding factors (she is ill), but it started BEFORE she was ill..way before. So I am confused and well..I've thrown in the towel. I hate to be dramatic, but I do not and probably will never have the relationship with FI's family that I thought I would. I just don't get them anymore. Sigh.  ETA: And as for being pushed into things..it sounds like you've been pushed into a lot more, but I feel you there as well on one main thing: our guest list.  I should have stood up for myself, but oh well I didn't. So yes, I'd definitely say things are worse since the wedding planning...and I don't know if they ever can recover. I've seen a lot of people in a new light and my view of them is forever-changed.
Mrs. S<3JS |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 1:21:21 PM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 2:42:47 PM | |
oobiecoo Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,973 Last Post: 11/19/2009 Member Since: 9/10/2007 |
Date: 6/5/2009 7:23:04 AM Author:allycat0303 I used to have an AMAZING relationship with her. But since the wedding planning began in earnest, not so much. There's a lot of tension around us. I became adament that there would be no OVERT sign of mourning for my FIL at the wedding. We will light a candle, have his picture displayed prominently, and the speeches will be about him, but she has stated she wants more, and I get the feeling she's really *annoyed* that I vetoed the other ideas. I'm annoyed because we're paying for the wedding, and I feel she pushed for things which I really didn't agree with (she demanded a limo, champagne for toasts, and chose church readings etc, fighting for processional music). My family is MORMON alchohol is a big NO NO for us. We have open bar already AND full 1/2 liter of wine per person AND massive quantities of cocktail. I think we could have skipped the champagne toast. The toast (1 flute per guest) is 2000$ extra. I think limos are a complete waste of money. And I DO NOT want to walk into the church to the traditional wedding march song. I HATE it. And she keeps pushing for it. I also think it's a big concession for a Mormon girl to get married in a CATHOLIC church, and this was done because SHE wanted it. Between FMIL, my mother, my sister, and future husband, the only thing I decided on without any compromises was my photographer. So, how is your relationship with FMIL? Better or worst? Or unaffected by the wedding planning/stress? An uneasy truce? Or maybe she couldn't care less (which I am beginning to think it the BEST way to be a MIL). It looks like you and your family made a couple of VERY significant adjustments for your MIL as far as your religion goes... why couldn't she just end her demands there? Geez! She seems lovely . Wedding planning didn't change my view of my step-MIL. However, through the past few years (especially lately) I've DEFINITELY come to see her faults. She has a big mouth, often says rude or inappropriate things, and seems to ALWAYS be drinking when around other people. Ugh... I've refused to go over to their house for the past 2 or 3 months. I'm on strike!
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 2:42:47 PM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 3:49:30 PM | |
PilsnPinkysMom Ideal Rock Total Posts: 969 Last Post: 11/19/2009 Member Since: 10/12/2008 |
Ally: Sorry this is going on, but I really like Ty's idea of saying, "Oh... that's interesting." Can you drag your feet and not meet/talk with her much over the next two weeks, and then when 1-week-to-go rolls around, you can use the excuse that you're already up-to-your-eyeball's in planning? Or, while this may be hard, can you say, "FMIL, I miss FFIL a lot, and I know that you and FI must feel what I feel X10... But this wedding is about starting a new life, and happiness, and joyfulness. I'm very happy and willing to acknowledge FFIL and remember him in X-Number of ways, but at this point, so close to the wedding, I really don't want to change anything or add anything to our ceremony and receoption... And this goes for additional alcohol, too." My own FMIL (Ha.. that looks so close to FML, for those familiar with that saying...) is a sweet, sweet woman. She's a cute, modern, energetic lady with four girls of her own. I am marrying her only son. She always says to me, "Oh!! You're my ONLY daughter-in-law!!" usually followed by a huge hug. We don't talk all that much... She lives in PA and I live in CO, so shopping together and planning together just doesn't happen. She is an avid scrapbooker, however, and has offered to make our escort cards/place cards/table numbers... and maybe even programs! She's excited about the wedding, though. In November, less than a month after FI & I were engaged, I received a slew of text messages/photos from FMIL and my FSILs- they were *already* out dress shopping for the wedding, long before we chose a date. (unfortunately she wants to wear a slinky, prom-ish style stretchy, spaghetti-strap BRIGHT red dress... oh.my.gosh. My colors are deep red/gold/brown/ivory.) Ah well. I'm surprisingly carefree about this wedding thing (haha... I say that *now*)... so it just doesn't bother me that much. I'm lucky to have fun, caring, loving in-laws. FFIL is a bit more reserved and quiet, and he and FMIL are more-or-less on the brink of divorce. If that happens, I have a feeling FMIL will move out west... Who knows what will happen then. Im super-close with my own mom, and FMIL does not take her place by any means, but I hope to have a solid relationship with her. She's a great person. I consider myself lucky
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 3:49:30 PM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 6:13:03 PM | |
tlh Ideal Rock Total Posts: 4,050 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 12/31/2008 |
It is a wedding, not a funeral. It should feel like a wedding. I think a lot of her issues... and need for control, really have a lot to do that she had no control over the loss of her husband... and sometimes in that grief, people will be demanding to cover their own pain they are feeling. I think it is a HUGE deal that you are allowing alcohol at your wedding and marrying in a Catholic church. i think the concessions you have made have been far more than anyone could expect. Black ribbons, and dresses? That is a bit extreme... and is probably because she is still in mourning and in grief for her loss. "I like smiling. Smiling's my favorite!" Will Ferrell ~ Elf |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 6:13:03 PM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 6:14:43 PM | |
october2008bride Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,753 Last Post: 11/17/2009 Member Since: 9/4/2007 |
Ally that really stinks. FMILs can be difficult, mainly because you have to have a relationship with them after the wedding!! I know this is terrible, but if the relationship is going to be strained later, did you ever think of just making the changes you want and not tell her? For example, just pick whatever processional music you want and on the day of she can't do anything about it? I know that sounds bad, but some of the decisions you have had to made are MAJOR and PERSONAL decisions and I am so afraid that the wedding will come and go and you will feel like it wasn't about you and your FI. Colours of flowers? Sure. But open bar and a Catholic Church for someone who is Mormon? Yikes. That seems a bit much. Just keep in mind that if you give her everything she wants, you are going to resent her regardless when the wedding is over. So in reality, the past amazing relationship has probably already been altered/hurt so you may as well please yourself at YOUR wedding (of course I mean you and FI :-) ****************** |
| Posted: 6/5/2009 6:14:43 PM | |
| P: 6/5/2009 6:42:00 PM | |
Lilac Ideal Rock Total Posts: 1,157 Last Post: 11/20/2009 Member Since: 5/4/2009 |
Ally- I'm sorry you FMIL is giving you so many problems!! It sounds like she (understandably) is still mourning her husband, but she shouldn't be trying to turn your wedding into a mini memorial service for him. I hope things go smoothly the rest of the way, and I think the things you are already doing to honor him sound wonderful. You should be able to celebrate at your own wedding and make your own decisions about what is being done since YOU'RE paying for it yourself! My MIL is really difficult. She always was during the 4 and a half years DH and I dated, and she continues to be now that we're married. She always thought he was her "baby" and too young to get married and I "stole him away" and therefore never really accepted me or included me. She's very judgmental, clingy, possessive and extremely self-centered. She never invited me over to her house all the years we dated (and we lived only about a mile away from each other) and she only called me when she couldn't reach him and wanted to know if I knew where he was. I've pretty much tried to stop caring what she thinks of me because at this point, I've spent so many years trying to get her to like me or for us to have a good relationship and I'm realizing she just has no interest so it's not really worth frustrating and upsetting myself even more. My FIL is pretty much exactly like my MIL but instead of being passive aggressive, he's just outright mean sometimes. But on the bright side, my husband is the best man I have ever met and treats me better than I ever could have dreamed of, so at least they did something right! And he has always been on my side whenever it comes to them saying anything against me or against my family.
|
| Posted: 6/5/2009 6:42:00 PM | |
 Previous Page
|
Pages: 1 of 8: [1] 2 3 4 5 6 ... > |
Next Page 
|
| « Picked up our rings!!! « | » Southeast Michigan Brides - Makeup and hair? » |
Contact Us | Back Home | Privacy Statement | Forum Agreement | Forum Policies | |
| Ideal BB Version: 0.1.5.4.beta1 | Message forum software powered by the Ideal BB |
| |
Pricescope -
Knowledge -
Diamond Prices -
Tools -
Resources -
About
© 2000-2009 Pricescope. Terms of Use Privacy Policy Disclaimer
forum archives
