HAVEN and other etiquette experts…

I’m getting conflicting answers from various online sites about the proper etiquette for addressing wedding invitations.  I’m so confused and could really use your help.

Scenario 1. Married couple, but wife has kept her maiden name. Is she referred to as a “Mrs.” or a “Ms?” Outer Envelope – Mrs. Charlene Jones and
                                        Mr. Michael Smith
or, - Ms. Charlene Jones and
        Mr. Michael Smith

And, the names are written in alphabetical order regardless of gender, correct?

Scenario 2. Unmarried couple living together.  The names are written in alphabetical order as well, right?  Also, my understanding is that the “and” would not be used on the outer envelope as this typically implies marriage, correct?
Outer envelope – Mr. Carl Bradley
                             Ms. Cynthia Stone
Inner envelope – Mr. Bradley
                            Ms. Stone
Or, inner envelope - Mr. Bradley and Ms. Stone  (is it okay to use “and” here?)

Thanks in advance  

"It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." ~Rita Rudner I marry my best friend on 11/14/09!

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"You seem very calm for a woman who's getting married, I said & she nodded. It's on my to-do list, she said, so there's no point in agonizing about it." Storypeople

~~~~~I know I'm yours, without fear or hesitation and without a doubt in my soul, I know I belong to you, I always have, I always will~~~~~

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C-tek

Amandine, October2008bride, CDN, Neat, Alli, TheBigT, GP, Lovesparklies, WannaBMrsH, and C-Tek – thanks for weighing in on the issue.  I really appreciate it! 

To summarize:
It seems Amandine and Oct2008bride are thinking “Ms.” is appropriate for a married woman who kept her maiden name. And, they believe the woman should always be placed first. 

CDN, thinks “Mrs.” is appropriate in the same scenario and believes the names are listed alphabetically, regardless of gender. 

This is exactly why I’m confused   Oh well, it seems the overall consensus is that this isn’t a big enough deal to stress over.  I agree!  I just like the idea of the envelopes being addressed formally, but like Oct2008bride and Neat said, none of our family or friends are going to care or even notice.  

Regarding the Miss versus Ms. debate, I wouldn’t be offended if someone referred to me as Miss, but I prefer Ms. and this is always the option I choose when given the choice.  It feels weird to me too to be referred to as a Miss in my 30’s.

Thanks again everyone  

Correct Form for Invitations - this is the very formal method:

Outer Envelope:

Married Couple - Mrs John Smith
Unmarried Couple - Miss Jane Jones & John Smith, Esq
Divorced Woman - Mrs Jane Smith
Single Man - John Smith, Esq
Single Woman - Miss Jane Jones

unless doctors:

Married Couple (she is doctor) - Mrs John Smith
Unmarried Couple - Dr Jane Jones & Dr John Smith
Divorced Woman - Dr Jane Smith
Single Man - Dr John Smith
Single Woman - Dr Jane Jones

Inner Envelope/Invitation:

Married Couple - Mr and Mrs John Smith
Unmarried Couple - Miss Jane Jones & John Smith, Esq
Divorced Woman - Mrs Jane Smith
Single Man - John Smith, Esq
Single Woman - Miss Jane Jones

unless doctors:

Married Couple (she is doctor) - Mrs and Mrs John Smith
Married Couple (he is doctor) - Dr and Mrs John Smith
Married Couple (both are doctors) - Dr and Mrs John Smith
Unmarried Couple - Dr Jane Jones & Dr John Smith
Divorced Woman - Dr Jane Smith
Single Man - Dr John Smith
Single Woman - Dr Jane Jones


'Esq' denotes Gentleman and should only be used when the man's title is Mr - if they are Dr, Rev, Professor, Sir etc etc then Esq is NOT used.

Even if a woman has kept her maiden name, she should still be addressed by her husband's surname unless it is a business event and she is attending in that capacity.

There are a gazillion other rules for nobility and gongs after names etc

If you are into this kind of thing, I recommend Debrett's 'Correct Form'. It mainly applies to the UK, but there is an American section in it as you guys have some differences from us: 'Ms' for women is more acceptable than it is here. You would write 'request the honour of your presence' whereas we have 'request the pleasure of your company' etc

Correct Form is central to my job, and I have found that sticking to the rules rigidly offends far fewer people - sexist or otherwise.