Another "am I crazy?" post, or post ering unhappiness...

[kalerian]

Ok, I have been a lurker here and sometimes poster for a while, but I am posting under another name just because the SO knows I come on here...although I don't think he will actually come on here now that he is done with my ering. So here goes:

Things I like about the ering: I LOVE the engraving and milgrain on it, they did an amazing job. The stone is a gem stone (which I wanted), and I LOVE the colour. It is also lively and brilliant. They overall design of the ring is totally my style. It is custom so I love that it is unique.

Things that bugged me from the start:
He had a custom ring made for me, but they made it in the wrong metal - which is ok, I have decided I like it and it saves us some $$$ (14kt WG). The store we got if from admitted to the mistake and offered to remake it though. They also warned because of the setting it might damage the stone if we removed it for the new ring. So I decided not to, plus I liked the colour of the metal better.
The stone has a window in it. I HATE windows. It is not from the tilt angle. I LOVE antique cuts but I haven't got any because of the open culets, it bugs me that much. Still, you should be able to see through an antique, NOT a well cut gem! I find myself tilting the stone when I look at my ring so that I don't see the window. And making sure it is always clean so the brilliance distracts me. But I still know it's there...
The cut pattern of the stone is my least favorite cut (akin to a princess - which he knew I didn't like), but I can understand that it makes the stone more brilliant...
The shape of the stone is 5.5 by 6.2 (roughly). It appears squarish, which he knew I did not want at all. This may also be due to it being set in a half-bezel, more on that later. My SO (and the ring designer) knew I wanted rectangular, at least a 5x7 or bigger so you could tell it was a rectangle...
As mentioned, it is set in a half bezel, they both knew I wanted a full bezel but I guess they thought I would be open to a half bezel, which I have come to live with, I guess, but not really... I had pointed out to my SO before that I didn't like half bezels...
When I say "they" knew, it is because my SO had printed off a diagram I hade made of the "perfect ring", that I had posted on one of the sites I frequent, like this one. I had stressed certain details, and some the designer did, and others he did not. But I had picked them for a reason, and they were features that were structurally sound, so I don't know why they weren't done (such as the shape of the ring, and the full bezel). This is NOT an elaborate ring, I had wanted a simple look, which I did get...
So with these things bugging me, I thought maybe I was just spoiled thanks to this site and could see flaws that were unreasonable, and that it was a good quality ring.

...Then I accidentally found the receit. And it really was an accident....I am not about spending big amounts of money on an ering, but I had thought he would have put a little more into it, for something I was going to wear the rest of my life. You know the 2 to 3 months salary ballpark? Mine is ONE PAYCHECK. And he had been making extra money at the time, with overtime (I am not including this in the one paycheck amount). He knows I am a gem freak, He could have got me a gem that was worth more than XXX.XX?! Wiht a better cut that I like and without a window, and the size I wanted (or a smidge bigger!)??! My sisters ring cost 4 times as much, and our SO's have the same job with same salary. I also think that 4 times as much is TOO much, but at least a FULL months salary would of got a nicer stone - now I know why it is bugging me, the cut (bugs me most of all) and the shape & size (hate to be a size whore but I don't think a 5x7 gem is too much to ask for!). Because it is NOT an amazing stone, although it is pretty, but it doesn't knock my socks off which an ENGAGEMENT RING should, right? So am I crazy???

Please leave thoughts/comments!! I need someone to talk to about this...we just moved to a very isolated town and I have no friends here yet.


BTW, the stone is rattling in the setting now...will this continue to happen (after I get it tightened) because of the 14kt gold and the half bezel setting??

...Part of me is wondering if I could swap the stone out for a better one and put a full bezel in it's place? Is that even possible? What if the stone is larger? It sits sideways in the setting (long ways across my finger), and the half bezels are on the longer sides...

 

[CharmyPoo]

Was your fiance ever led to believe you wanted him to spend as little as possible on the ring and that it doesn't really matter to you?

I am not sure what to say because I must admit that I would be upset too. Some say we should be grateful for any gift but I can understand what you are saying. Would he be terribly offended if you told him how you felt? For myself, I wouldn't hold it back and would have the conversation with him - I can't let it eat away at me because I will end up getting more upset at him.

 

[slg47]

I would talk to him about it instead of keeping it all inside...then it will just drive you crazy like Charmy says. Maybe he didn't feel comfortable spending more? But it sounds like he is not that attached to it, so maybe he will be OK with you switching?

 

[Supers]

No words of wisdom here.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're disappointed with the ring.
It sounds like you put a lot of thought and effort in drawing up what you wanted and the final product hasn't lived up to your dream - so commiserations.

 

[kalerian]

Thanks so much you guys, this would bug you too??

I DON'T want it to bother me, but it does....Funny thing is he mentioned that he had seen another stone there that was "really" pretty, but twice the cost - and he thought this one looked almost as good so he couldn't justify spending the extra money....Part of me wonders what that one looked like, and if it had a window...sigh

ETA: I don't think money was an issue, because I had asked if there was a reason they had made it out of 14kt WG instead, like there was a certain price point he was trying to stay under. I asked as delicate as possible, and he said no, he told the guy he didn't have a price point, he just wanted what my diagram was. (My SO knew I had done my reasearch to keep costs down so it wasn't crazy expensive, but I did not give him the impression to be cheap about my ring.)

How do you bring up something like this up? He already knew I was torn about remaking the ring because of the metal, and that I had issues about that...I don't want him to think I am obsessed about the ring, even tho I am! lol, but you guys here understand that. I don't want him to feel like he failed, cuz he did get it custom made, and had asked for the metal I had wanted, and picked out the type of gem I had really wanted. Doesn't it come off like it's not good enough for me? ...Scr*w that, it ISN'T good enough, I LOVE gems. Why shouldn't I have a gem that I ADORE in my ering?! But how do I explain that without sounding like a spoiled princess??!

 

[risingsun]

I would be upset if I were you. I think you need to have a talk with your fiance and see what can be done to remedy the situation. You were very clear about the ring that you hoped to receive. This one isn't it. I hope that it all goes well for you.

 

[slg47]

I would just say that you appreciate the thought he put into it and the sentiment behind it, but since you are going to be wearing this for the rest of your life (and you are someone who really cares about gems) that maybe you could change it for something that you prefer?

 

[FuturePsyD]

I would be upset and I would gently let him know!

Honestly, I think your fiance wants you to be happy.

If you were to nicely convey to him that, while this is a lovely ring, it isn't exactly what you had set your heart on. Especially after you went through the trouble to draw up what it was that you had wanted. If he had not wanted to make you happy, he wouldn't have agreed to your input and would have just "surprised" you with whatever! And since money isn't the issue, I'm sure he will understand given that it really is different from what you had asked for, its not like you just changed your mind after he gave you what you asked for. (I've seen that done plenty of times ) If you keep quiet, he will never know that the discrepancy in what you asked for and what you got is truly bothersome to you.

Some of us are a bit more sensitive about our erings (myself most definitely included) and like to be a part of the ring selection/design process as much as possible (within reason). Since this is a once in a lifetime piece of jewelry, please don't let it eat away at you. Your silence will turn to resentment! If it was 1 maybe 2 minor things you disliked, OK! But there are multiple issues with this ring, in your eyes: Stone size, stone shape, stone cut, bezel, metal, etc

I don't feel you will ever be able to appreciate this ring the way that you had hoped.

 

[diva rose]

No ~ you are not crazy. I understand how you feel.

We should be grateful of what our partners get us and it is the thought that matters.
However in this situation it sounds like he got everything you didn't like even though you've informed him well. Personally I would never get a gift for someone that I knew they wouldn't like. Also it doesn't help that you know he could have easily spent more money but he chose not to.

I've heard this numerous times from friends. Some men are just a bit 'tight' when it comes to buying their partner's ring.
They feel using 1 month or more of their salary is too much and they don't understand how much the ring means to us. They don't think diamonds are worth it. BTW I'm referring to people who can spend the money but choose not to. Not people who are actually financially compromised - totally different story there.

Some of us are more fortunate and have partners who are generous with spending on things they may not see value/importance in.

I think as suggested by the comments from the lovely PSers above, discuss how you feel with your partner.
Maybe he doesn't fully understand and realise how much this ring means to you.

 

[lyra]

It sounds like most of the problems with the ring can be addressed just by changing out the gemstone. That seems like a fair and reasonable compromise to me. Maybe you can look at what it would cost to do a switch and keep the same setting. You might want to do a total upgrade several years down the line anway if the gem you pick gets cracked/chipped or you find you need to rhodium plate the wg too often or similar.

 

[bgray]

I dont think you are crazy and I can relate based on my own experience. Also, like you I really love jewelry and gemstones so I was extremely particular about the specifics. I dont have or wear much jewelry so I think my e-ring was more important to me as major signature piece of jewelry as opposed to someone who is thrilled with their classic diamond solitaire and dont really want anything other than a particular shape or size. Personally I think this will eat at you and bother you going forward and it will not diminish. I would say follow the prior posters advice that just being appreciative but honest is the best way to go.

 

[BubbleGumPlant]

Get an awesome wedding band and stop wearing the ering? Sorry I'm not much help.

You can also try to say that WG really does bother you, you can also lie and say you are getting an allergic reaction and that's why you wanted platinum in the first place, and that if resetting the gem will possibly damage it than the vendor should provide you another ring altogether. After all, you're not at fault for getting the wrong metal.

Also, since you know the ring didn't cost an arm and a leg, you can maybe work out a deal to pay for half by applying that amount to a new ring. Talk to your SO about it. The hard part I think would be to get the vendor to budge. I would emphasize here again that the vendor screwed up.

Your SO obviously wants you to have the perfect ring otherwise he wouldn't have gotten a custom. Sometimes you just can't get it right the first time and you'll have to work on it.

 

[swingirl]

This is why I picked out my own stone and setting. If you are really particular it'd be better to make the decisions. I didn't trust my husband to pick out something for me and he knew he wouldn't get it right.

The rattling is a problem, though, and doesn't have anything to do with the design. That must be addressed.

 

[redyns]

From a guy's perspective - - -

To start, I have almost the exact opposite situation as yourself. I have done TONS of research for the last 3-4 months, and plan to do 6+ more of looking and learning before I have to pull the trigger. In any case, my FF really would care less (she likes RB or Princess, solitaire or 3-stone) what the stone looks like, so long as it looks nice. It is just in my personality to research (sometimes too much) everything I buy to make sure I am getting what I want at the best price/value for the product.

It sounds like your guy, just guessing, possibly didn't know how much effort you really put into researching and finding things that not only you liked, but more importantly things that YOU DIDNT like. With rings/stones I think it is even more important to find things that you don't really like / hate versus those those you like or love. I say that because if you like something, and your FF gives it to you, I would bet 99% of the time you'll end up loving it. However, with your situation included, because you had such a specific idea of what you DIDNT LIKE (or in your case it seems like what you cannot even stand to look at!) it will eat at you if you don't tell him.

Dont get me wrong, the idea of telling the guy who just spent XXX.XX on you, regardless of how much money you thought he would/should spend, is not an easy proposition. If I give my FF an inexpensive gift for whatever I really really want her to like it, and I'm sure that he want's you not only to like, but more importantly LOVE your ring. The others on here have told you the right advice, you need to tell him your issues if you feel that passionate about your dislike for you given ring. HOWEVER - - - ** * * if this happened to me, I would of course be let down and feel like I (or the stuff I bought for her) wasn't good enough somehow. Given this, when you tell him, the absolute best way to do it is this I think. First, tell him how much you love him/the ring, and how much you appreciate his actions of getting a custom made ring made (even if you gave him all the details in the world, he still no doubt took considerable thought/time to make the decision and in the process of getting the ring). Second, I would approach it as, 'i'm not a material girl' (because no matter what it will probably come off a little bit this way despite the fact that you're probably not) but this ring is a sign of our love and commitment, something that will last us, and something that I will look at, every day of my life for the next 40-50-60 years! Tell him some of your complaints, in a very soft way, and then ASK him if he would mind if you got some changes to the ring 'to make it just perfect' - - When you get the changes made, make everything yours - and go house clearing on making sure your list of essentials is complete - - . REALLY long, but just know even if he's the toughest guy in the world, he will take SOME sort of offense to it, but its worth it in the end I think.

Sorry for the terribly long explanation but I think you needed it from a guys perspective and it sounds like you could use any advice/help you can get (even if it is terrible or too long in explanation!). Hope this helps, tell him, but be nice, make it seem like you're 'improving the ring' and not just throwing everything away and starting over, and be prepared to be VERY nice to him in the days following

 

[shihtzulover]

I'm sorry that you feel this way - it is definitely a tough situation to be in. If I were you, I would have to say something to my SO, because I'm the type of person that likes to let everything out, or else I will just become more angry over time. It is still a difficult topic to bring up though.

I am a total control freak with some things, and I butted in and made myself involved in the whole e-ring process with my FF. I know that he liked the idea of a romantic surprise, but he also knew that I am picky, and he wanted me to have what I wanted. I once actually told him about a girl who wanted to tell her SO that their ring wasn't what they had envisioned (I think this was actually on a different forum), and he said that ultimately, most guys just want their girlfriend/fiancee/wife to be happy. He might be hurt, but I'm sure that he does want for you to love your ring. Also, maybe he thought that was a typical $ range for a gemstone ring? Maybe not, but it seems possible to me.

In any case, good luck! I hope that you find a happy solution.

 

[GliderPoss]

Eeek deepest sympathies! I know exactly what you mean. I am sooooooooo fussy about my jewellery and particularly gemstones so I think this will eat away at you if you don't take steps to solve it. You don't want to "hate" your symbol of everlasting love right? Break it to him gently and point out the details that bug you and say you want to rectify it now to make it perfect. Good luck!

 

[kalerian]

Thank you sooo much everyone. There is some really good advice here, and you all have made me feel lots better. Thanks for your kind words, some really hit home. I will talk to him about it, in the best way that I can. Having a "guys point of view" also helps. He will be home on Sunday, so I will try to follow up with you all after I work up the courage to talk to him about the ring. I do hope that the stone can be swapped because I do think that it is my biggest hang-up, I just don't know if that will damage the rest of the ring to make the new stone fit? Anyways, I was hoping you all would understand. I can't tell you enough how much better you all have made me feel! Hugs for everyone! lol.

 

[kalerian]

I know, I need to explain it in hockey metaphor:

Me to my SO, "My ring is like a hockey stick. If I went and bought you a hockey stick and you had explained all the features you wanted and even wrote it all down, and I bought you a stick that wasn't quite what you wanted but it was pretty close. Now keep in mind, you only get to use this ONE stick, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Now lets say there was a hockey stick that had everything you wanted that I had seen but to me it looked just like the stick I picked out, therefore I couldn't justify the price difference even though I could easily afford it...what would be your reaction?" Keep in mind he loooves hockey!

Just kidding, I couldn't say that!!!!!!!!!

 

[diva rose]

If budget wasn't an issue and he spent 1 week of salary on it - you can always get an upgrade and use the other stone for something else.
That leaves you 7 weeks salary to spend on the new diamond (based on 2 months salary).

All the best for the discussion. Hope he understands and is happy to replace the ring.

 

[yennyfire]

Actually, the hockey stick comparison isn't too bad, though I wouldn't mention the $$$ aspect...just the "there's a stick you love and the one I got you, trying to make you happy, isn't quite what you wanted and you only get one stick for the rest of your life"...like red said, be as gentle as possible, b/c obviously, he did the best he could and wants you to be happy. That said, jewelry is the one thing that my hubby knows not to do on his own. I am so picky and sometimes can't articulate well why I like one item, but don't like another one, that to him, looks almost identical. He just knows not to get me jewelry on his own...unless there's an exchange/return policy, lol!

Like some of the others here, I really don't own any other jewelry (other than my diamond studs, which I don't even wear), so my er/wr is my statement piece and if I wasn't totally happy with it, it would eat at me. You don't want to start a marraige with this bugging you all of the time. Trust me when I say that there will be other really touchy subjects that need to be discussed in the course of a marriage, so this is good practice.

I don't envy your position and will be keeping all of my fingers/toes crossed that the conversation goes well and that you come out of this with the ring you wanted!

 

[tyty333]

Big hugs Kalerian...I would figure out if a new stone could make you happy with the ring (like Lyra said). That may be an
easy fix. I would definitly say something but I would do it as gently as possible. Maybe one time mention the stone/window
issue bothering you then maybe at a different time mention that a full bezel sure would have been nice. Maybe it wont
sting as bad if you spread it out some. Good luck.

 

[AnneinGA]

Kalerian,
I sympathize with your situation. AND I think that this is a great opportunity to start your marriage out the right foot.

Don't lie, don't sugar coat it, just be gentle and tell him how you feel. I would concentrate on the one thing that upsets you most about the ring - either the stone or the setting or the metal and not all three, because then he really will feel like he failed. In your five things you mentioned that you didn't like about it, three were the stone. A change in either the stone, setting or metal will facilitate the opportunity to make OTHER changes as well. Wanting a larger stone means a remake of the whole thing anyway, so I personally would go after the stone change.

One thought for you. There is a disconnect somewhere in the communication between you, and figuring out how to fix this will help you in your future together. Either you weren't very clear, or he didn't receive what you were saying and went off on his own. Did you discuss the cost of the ring? Did you have an agreement about what you were going to choose and what you were going to spend? Would you be more happy with the ring if he had spent more money or less because he didn't get a good value for the money? The two months' salary thing is a guide, but some guys are oblivious to that.

I hope you can get this worked out so that you are happy and have a ring to look at every day that you love. Redyns has some great guy perspective that I think is very good. And I think that starting the conversation and making it more about you will also be helpful.

Good luck!

 

[LadyBlue]

One question. Since is a custom ring, do you think the ring can be return? I think you should tell him how you feel, but I'm not sure if there is something he can do about it.

 

[Tymah123]

Again a guy's perspective: even though you thought you described you ideal ring perfectly maybe he misunderstood it or maybe you were too subtle in your explanation. Us guys -- we just want you girls to tell us exactly what will make you happy and in what quantities, after that we can negotiate on the price a little and I'm sure that can be easily resolved. All guys realize that a ring is an object that women compete with against each other, on some level. And since they you gals to be happy they would try to accommodate you to their best ability. Just tell him what's wrong and describe it in as much detail as you can, let me offer his input as to how to rectify the situation and if he doesn't then you can tell him what you would like to see with your ring. Being subtle and gentle might send the wrong message across that you are content with the ring and that the problem you're having is really a small one that doesn't bother you too much. Good luck with your dilemma.

 

[sparkledust]

All I know is that when I find something that bothers me a little in the beginning and I try to ignore it, it gets worse. It ends up bugging me to the point of not even wanting to look at whatever it is that's bothering me again.
For example: I have a Crisscut emerald halo engagement ring. It was set in white gold, about 3 weeks of wearing it, the bottom that sits closest to my palm started to yellow. I thought, well who cares, it's not like anyone will ever see this part. I found myself examining it everyday to see if it had gotten more yellow, it felt cheap. In short, I HATED it and ended up having the ring re-made in platinum.
I now LOVE it more than anything and can stop obsessing over it.

So, if this ring bothers you in anyway, have it redone to your liking. Otherwise you will never truly like the piece (NEVER) and it will sap all of your enjoyment out of it.
You deserve to have what you like, no matter the cost. If you are paying for it you should ALWAYS get what you want!

 

[CharmyPoo]

All guys realize that a ring is an object that women compete with against each other, on some level.

I think it is a competitive thing for guys - who bought the bigger rock (at least with my guy friends).

 

[kenny]

The real problem is not the ring; it is a symptom of the problem.
The issue underneath all this is in you.
I think you need to adjust yourself.

You have expectations that are in conflict.
You expect the ring you want.
You expect he is supposed to have the sole role of the decider.

Speak up and get what you want, or hush up and be happy for what he decided to give you.
You can't have it both ways.

 

[daysie8]

Hi Kalerian,

First, my biggest sympathies to you on this. I hope you will be able to have the talk this Sunday and you will both reach a resolution.

My bf and I had alot of discussions prior to getting a diamond, including the "salary" issue. I think the one thing you need to refrain from, is making a comparison with your sister and what her SO got her. I think men really don't like being compared to with other guys. However, it is important to get your point across. So to overcome that, I said the following:

"The ering is a mark of a turning point in our lives together. I want you to know how much this ring will mean to me, because it is an indication of your willingness to sacrifice for me, to reflect how much I mean to you. I will however, never ask you for something beyond your means, and I don't believe the ering of my dreams is outside of those boundaries".

(NB: I have however, said I will never upgrade my ering ever, which is actually how I feel anyway, because of the sentimental value that is attached to it).

I know some ppl may not agree with what I said to my bf at the time, and some may even think it crude, but it got what I wanted to say off my chest, without actually having to explicate $$ words. I know it did make him start seeing things from my point of view (and some stuff his sister said after this).

Good luck on Sunday

 

[Fly Girl]

I think it puts a lot of pressure on a man to try to figure out how to make a very expensive purchase that will please his future wife. There are lots of tiny decisions to be made, even when she has given him a general idea. This is why I am a strong advocate of shopping for the engagement and wedding rings together.

This is true for future jewelry purchases as well. Very few guys are any good at picking out jewelry for their wives. I finally figured this out, and would select a few pieces from my jeweler who made a list of them. Then all my DH had to do for my birthday, Christmas, or whatever, was call the jeweler, make a selection, and charge it. DH used to thank me for making his shopping so easy for him, and I loved everything he got me.

So, now you know you are not thrilled with the jewelry decisions he makes. Time to let him know that this process didn't work, and to come up with a new method where you are more involved.

Good luck.

 

[wedge]

1. If it bothers you so much (and it sounds like it does), discuss with your SO. If he agrees to upgrade you to something you'd prefer, go on to step 2...

2. The jeweler's mistake with the metal type should give you a "free out" to redo the ring... AFTER your discussion with your SO, ask the jeweler to do the preferred style (full bezel) instead, on a new 5x7 gemstone. You send back the 14kt WG ring, they give you some credit toward the new ring.