Am i stupid or what?

[Empressabby]

Dear all,

My bf of 6 years just proposed to me, we been through a lot and stuff. I know i may sounds like or appear to you all that I am just another materialistic girl, but i am not.

I am just wondering how much is enough consider a engagement ring? I know its a ring that you gonna wear it for life, and the ring to signal the love he wants you/ to claim you his...

I don't mind that I dont have a big diamond ring, or a diamond. But i cant help myself to over thinking it.

My bf, bought a ring @ 49.90Euro. And i am really quite bothered by it. Is he taking this lightly? He is a sweet guy, not rich and I am not as well. But the fact that he is willing to spend more on himself and he didn't spend a lot of money to buy stuff to me and stuff, i really cant over thinking that I am really quite a cheap date for him. I basically a zero maintenance to him, I bought him more stuff and given him as much support as I can offer whenever he needs it.

I didnt tell him how i feels, I feel ashamed that I even think and ask you guys this.

As a girl, how do you feel? Please dont tell what is right what is wrong, cos I know it, I just want to know if I am insanely stupid, and share with me your thoughts.

Thank you very much in advance.

love.

 

[c-k]

I am not sure that this thread belongs here.

The present could represent the future, maybe you need to have a good long talk and find out what is important to both of you.

 

[Niel]

do you have a picture? Id love to see. Is it silver? CZ? Used??/

I dont know your situation. If you guys are doing the best you can and that was really the best he can do, i would not be upset. But it sounds like thats not the case. From what you said sounds like he had more money to put toward it, but put little money or effort into picking this for you.

If thats the case i would be upset. Why propose with a ring at all I wonder. if we are talking just about jewelry I would tell him I wanted something that will be wearable for many years. If he cant afford to buy you one, buy one yourself. If you both can only afford to chip in a little, do that. Ive seen and purchased lovely rings for under 1k, and they do exist.

If we are talking relationship (which i dont like to do because this is a jewelry forum, and i dont want to presume to know your situation) I might ask why he chose the route he did, and then share the feelings you posted here.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I am quite sure I would feel the same way. When someone loves another person, they should want to make sacrifices to make the other happy. Since you two have dated for 6 years, I think he would have had time to save more than 48 euros. But have you two ever discussed engagement, rings, etc.? Because I would also think over that amount of time that you should have had a chance to talk about the future and perhaps showed him rings you like. If not, then you two have some basic communication issues that need to be resolved before you move forward. Men absolutely cannot guess what a woman wants. They really have to be told nicely but directly. Maybe he has no close friends or relatives who have given a nice engagement ring. I do think you should talk to him and express appreciation for the current ring but that you would like the two of you to look at real engagement rings and make a plan to get something else prior to getting married. If he is not willing to do that yet he spends money for things for himself, then I think you need to be sure you can live with a self-centered person who has little regard for making you happy. I have a relative married to someone like this, and I would not have been able to tolerate it.

 

[heididdl]

Have you ever discussed getting engaged or that you might like a ring with a diamond or maybe he just assumes that you are young just starting out and don't want one. Either way you need to talk to each other becauses if it starts with hurt feeling s that you think he spends more on himself than the relationship than you will have deeper problems. If you had decided you couldn't afford a ring together that would be an entirely different conversation.

Sorry good luck but chooose your words carefully you don't want him to get defensive if he assumes you didn't want any more than received ..

 

[bgray]

others have made excellent comments. if you are both young with very little disposable income then I would not be bothered by the cost but i have many other questions and concerns. first if i was young and we had little money to spend on such luxuries i would expect my partner to say something like i want to marry you but i dont really have the money to buy you a ring. why dont we buy matching inexpensive bands as a symbol and some day I would like to get you something special. or something like that. however it sounds like he spends money on him self and you have co-existed like room-mates. so i would like to know your ages and circumstances and what a 48 lb ring looks like.

 

[livannie]

I have a cousin who recently got married, well a couple of years ago. She was 18 and he was 26. My cousin is gorgeous, like supermodel gorgeous. And her husband is not at all handsome,( I am not trying to be rude). But he was the first guy she ever dated, ever kissed, her first everything. I think she probably just married him to get out of her parents house because they dated like one month before getting married and I hear he is a jerk now. But when they got engaged, he gave her a plain gold band, no diamonds or anything. I guess when she showed my aunt(her mom) she called him up and told him he couldn't marry her daughter until he bought her a diamond ring. She said to take it back and buy something beautiful for her daughter. So he did. She got a really pretty ring. He wasn't poor or anything, I actually hear his family is well off but I guess they didn't have good communication. I would be embarrassed if my mom did that. I don't know your situation but I think some guys are clueless about that sort of thing. My husband says she should have been happy with anything he gave her but she was the one who would have to wear it, like you are the one that has to wear it. If he can't afford it, then that's one thing, you can upgrade later. But every girl wants to feel special about their wedding ring.It really is a once in a lifetime kind of thing.

 

[momhappy]

Have you discussed engagement and/or engagement rings before? If not, then you can't blame him for choosing the ring he chose. Also, you claim to not be materialistic, not want a big diamond (or even any diamond at all for that matter), so it sounds like maybe he purchased a ring that he thought that you would like based on those parameters. Maybe to him, the ring doesn't have the same meanings as it does to you - in other words, maybe to him, it's use a ring and nothing more. Maybe he places no extra sentimental value on it and considers the relationship itself to be the most important part (and the ring just a symbolic gesture). Whatever the explanation, these are all things that you should discuss with your boyfriend.

 

[HappilyEngaged2014]

From a guy's perspective, this is uncalled for (when it comes to engagement rings). We are not talking about a shirt, scarf, pair of shoes or a purse.

Specifically, it is the singlemost important piece ofjewelery any man will buy for his SO (assuming his SO actually desires a diamond to symbolize his commitment to her - a majority of the population). He probably spends that much at the pub during one weekend, or for the rec league sports team he is a part of every year. Bottom line, he needs a second job or to take out a loan to do it right.

In my opinion, you need to have a conversation with him.

ps How do you know what the costs?

*momhappy has presented a lot of great points*

 

[GeorgeStevens]

The question isn't how much he spent but how much he cares. If he spends far more time and attention on himself and his buddies than you, then you need to be OK with that for the rest of your life. Does he often go on big nights out and spend hundreds of euros? Does he buy expensive luxury items for himself but not you? If you've had a rough relationship so far, and if you can't accept that he's self-centered, you might need to consider turning down this proposal and finding someone who cares more about you.

 

[pyramid]

As you know this board is mostly populated by people from the USA, I am from the UK
and I notice that the ring you got was priced in Euros. The engagement ring in the
UK is mostly never as expensive a purchase as it is in the USA and I have read here that
some in Europe get gold bands and no diamonds or other jewels.

I got engaged when I was 22 and my ring cost £120 pounds this was back in 1986 though but
that is the cost in the UK at that time, I think the most expensive rings about then that my peers
were wearing would have been about £300.

I do think your ring is not an engagement ring price just because it probably won't be something
that will stand up to wear, unless it is just a band of gold. I also think though that maybe it is a
communication thing, what type of rings does his mother have or his sisters, female cousins etc.
The only red flag here is you saying he spends money on himself, but how much are you talking about
and what does he buy. I hope it is just a communication thing. However I do hope you will remember
that the engagement ring in America is a far bigger thing than in other parts of the world. Nowadays, and
I am a lot older I don't hear of anyone getting a ring from maybe more than £2000 and I would say
most of the rings I see now are around £500 - £1000. I am not in a city but when I did live in one it was
the same, some people had larger diamonds but not many over 1 carat, mostly I would say 60 to 75 points
and that was in a UK city. I was looking remember and I would see the same rings in an independent
nice family owned jewellers window for maybe 1 or 2 years with the expensive ones like £10,000 always
staying there.

Don't get to upset about this, the relationship is the most important. Just trust your gut feeling and
see what happens. If he is young he may not be really ready for marriage and buying a serious ring yet.

Just to add my engagement ring to my ex in 1995 cost £600 and that marriage didn't last, the ring is not
the important part of a marriage.

 

[lambskin]

My mother used to say, "If you love him a cigar band is enough." However she also always advised me in regard to engagement ring diamond carat size should be "enough to choke a horse"

 

[bfleming]

Did I google the right conversion? That is $65 US dollars???!!! If he's really young he could be totally and utterly clueless about what to buy or what it means.

He should spend at least a month of his gross pay, unless you guys are in some serious financial trouble, then you both would know roughly what he could spend. Or even buy you a band and set it with a cubic zirconia that can be replaced with a real diamond later.

Curious how it turns out.

 

[Niel]

Did I google the right conversion? That is $65 US dollars???!!! If he's really young he could be totally and utterly clueless about what to buy or what it means.

He should spend at least a month of his gross pay, unless you guys are in some serious financial trouble, then you both would know roughly what he could spend. Or even buy you a band and set it with a cubic zirconia that can be replaced with a real diamond later.

Curious how it turns out.

I respectfully disagree with that idea. there is no "should" when it comes to how much a couples spends on an engagement ring. What works for some doesnt work for others.

 

[pyramid]

i would say that most in the UK spend about two weeks salary, not a month.

 

[Laila619]

Did I google the right conversion? That is $65 US dollars???!!! If he's really young he could be totally and utterly clueless about what to buy or what it means.

He should spend at least a month of his gross pay, unless you guys are in some serious financial trouble, then you both would know roughly what he could spend. Or even buy you a band and set it with a cubic zirconia that can be replaced with a real diamond later.

Curious how it turns out.

I respectfully disagree with that idea. there is no "should" when it comes to how much a couples spends on an engagement ring. What works for some doesnt work for others.

I agree, there's no one right amount for everyone to spend.

To the OP: I don't think you are being stupid. You are in Europe, and engagement rings just aren't as important there as they are in the U.S. Perhaps he just didn't know you expected an expensive ring.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Dear all,

As a girl, how do you feel? Please dont tell what is right what is wrong, cos I know it, I just want to know if I am insanely stupid, and share with me your thoughts.

$65 bucks??...Dump him now!

 

[AprilBaby]

It would bug me a lot. Six years is worth more than $65.

 

[Karl_K]

I know a couple that have been married 60+ years who were married with simple gold bands and for their 50th anniversary she got her first diamond, A .25ct diamond ring from her husband.
Which ring does she wear? The simple gold band.

 

[Dancing Fire]

...The basic rule is .30ct per year together, so 6 X .30 ct = a 1.8 ct diamond....

 

[OreoRosies86]

I'd be mad too. I won't pretend I'm above wanting a nice ring, I do want a nice ring.

Aside from the ring does he generally treat you well and prioritize your happiness?

 

[CharmyPoo]

The point here is the feeling of worth. The OP (not sure if they are coming back) feels that she isn't worth anything to her bf. This was compounded by the ring which probably is the cost of eating out one meal in Europe. And aside from the cost .. did he just pass by some store and picked up the first thing he found? Dunno.

Most of the guys I know take great pride in selecting the right ring for the girl - it doesn't matter what the price point is. I have friends that forego the engagement ring for a simple band or a CZ ring. However, the guy always discussed this with the girl first and it was mutually decided that they would spend the money elsewhere (house, trip, etc).

 

[MarionC]

I had a similar experience. It may reflect other issues that you would want to resolve before marriage. This may be the beginning of an awaking to a truth - happy or not is yet to be seen.
I think you should pick something out together. It doesn't have to cost a fortune, but it has to be a ring you love or the ring will be a focal point of negative feelings forever.

 

[momhappy]

Did I google the right conversion? That is $65 US dollars???!!! If he's really young he could be totally and utterly clueless about what to buy or what it means.

He should spend at least a month of his gross pay, unless you guys are in some serious financial trouble, then you both would know roughly what he could spend. Or even buy you a band and set it with a cubic zirconia that can be replaced with a real diamond later.

Curious how it turns out.

I respectfully disagree with that idea. there is no "should" when it comes to how much a couples spends on an engagement ring. What works for some doesnt work for others.

I agree, there's no one right amount for everyone to spend.

To the OP: I don't think you are being stupid. You are in Europe, and engagement rings just aren't as important there as they are in the U.S. Perhaps he just didn't know you expected an expensive ring.

Agree too. Just because many of us operate under a fairly specific guideline (for example, a ring that costs as much as a certain percentage of your salary), doesn't mean that everyone does.
Again, there are SO many variables that we don't know about here. Giving advice to end a 6-year relationship over a ring is not sound advice because we simply don't know all the facts. I think that most of us can agree that OP needs to communicate with her boyfriend about her expectations (and his). Rings don't have the same meanings to everyone - it's a very personal thing, but they need to come to terms with it as a couple.

 

[c-k]

...The basic rule is .30ct per year together, so 6 X .30 ct = a 1.8 ct diamond....

I just told my husband your basic rule...so he is out shopping for a 14.4 ct stone....I said good luck honey.

 

[LaraOnline]

Some men treat their lover like a kiddy friend.
In Australia in certain circles it is unfortunately common to see men childishly relying on live in girlfriends to pay bills fifty fifty regardless of differing pay packets, and these types of men often offer very little in the way of long term nurturing or vision either.

My view of myself was not sharing a meat pie and the lukewarm dregs of a bottle of beer. There is a lot of pressure on girls in some cultures to be accommodating, to the point where they adjust their own value and material expectations of life down to pretty much nothing. Women are told to be patient and ask for nothing....and often, it is nothing they receive.

My husband to be, when I met him, was obviously different to that in terms of his care and generosity towards me.
I found his willingness to treat me nicely, to pick up the tab and to treat me like a lady promised me a warm and nurturing future together (more than fifty percent of the time lol; life does get in the way).

Now, I can safely say my man's not perfect. He gave me $600 to do my own ering shopping!! Getting something I could stomach took me about three months of obsessive shopping! I've since upgraded lol as our circumstances have improved. And, he is learning all the time because he has a willingness to learn. He respects me enough and wants my happiness enough to try.

How does your man make you feel, Empress? Do you feel thrilled and safe? Optimistic about your enjoyment of your future life together?
If you feel slightly anxious, I would consider carefully.

A workmate of mine has asks very very little from her hubby, which is lucky as her husband gives her very, very little and barely assists in any way at all with their children.
She got a re gifted work diary from him under the tree this year.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

You need to talk to him. This won't be the only miscommunication in your relationship or future marriage. It won't be the only time he hurts your feelings or does not meet your expectations. But, it may be your first opportunity to discover if you are compatible in terms of listening, communication, and understanding one another. So talk to him, not us.

 

[luvsdmb]

You should be happy with what you are wearing.
You should tell him how you feel and return it and go pick out something together (or alone with his credit card) that you will love!!
(and no you are not stupid)

 

[Dancing Fire]

...The basic rule is .30ct per year together, so 6 X .30 ct = a 1.8 ct diamond....

I just told my husband your basic rule...so he is out shopping for a 14.4 ct stone....I said good luck honey.

The rule is for the number of years dating before marriage...

 

[ruby59]

Anyone else having to constantly sign back in?

I agree with Dreamer. This is a communication problem between two people who do not having a metting of the minds. Is he generous to you in other areas? Does he spend a lot of momey on just himself? Is he just all around frugal?

Money issues is one of the top reasons people get divorced. You need to have a serious discussion NOW.

In my case, when my husband and I were starting to get serious about our relationship, we knew we could not have it all, at least not right away. So we set up our priorities. This discussion was a good indication that we were compatible.

A big diamond ring or a down payment on a house. We both chose the house. I got married in a gold band (tradition) then switched over to my grandmother's 5 diamond ring.

The diamond solitaire came much later.