To Surprise or Not to Surprise....

[JCJet]

OK, original plan was rolling along smoothly. Found a setting she likes (based on a ring she saw in a vintage store), decided to go with the traditional round brilliant, and just had to finalize the purchase next week. Out of the blue, she tells me "You know, I really don''t think I like the round diamonds. I think I like the emerald, cushion, or asscher." She has no idea I''m planning anything but just happened to see some pictures in the Sunday paper.

Here''s my question: Do I alter the plan and find a setting to go with one of those shapes (back to square one) or do I propose sans ring and have her come pick something out? I really wanted this to be a surprise, but I also think if she went to select something, she might realize that the round stones "sparkle" so much more and can even look bigger. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! TIA

 

[havernell]

As a female who got to take part in the choosing of her own ring along with my (now) finace, I can say that I really appreciated having a say in something I was going to wear forever and that my fiance and I had a lot of fun designing the ring together! It was hard for me to know what type of ring (stone and setting) I wanted before I started trying rings on. As you said, your girlfriend may like the look of emeralds in photos, but once she has a round on, she may like that better.

You could go one of two ways if you want your girlfriend to be involved in the ring selection process. First is your suggestion of proposing without a ring and then going ring shopping together afterwards. I think that could work well.

Or, you could do it how my fiance handled it. We picked out the ring together in November, and then he put it in our safety deposit box at the bank. I had no idea when/where/how he was going to propose. I didn''t know if it would be a week later, a month later, a year later- I really had no clue. He ended up proposing in March (so, four months after we bought the ring). The proposal itself was a TOTAL surprise to me. Yes, I knew what the ring looked like, but that didn''t ruin anything. In fact, it made me happy to remember the fun time we had designing the ring together a few months prior (almost like having two phases of our engagement which is better than one!)

Finally, have you and your girlfriend seriously discussed marriage or were you planning on proposing totally out of the blue? For us, designing our ring together beforehand really made both of my fiance and I think about and discuss marriage very substantively before we got engaged. Due to this, I think I''m going into marriage a lot more prepared and confidently than I would have been if he just proposed out of the blue one day before we had really talked about what compromises we were each going to have to make in marriage, etc... Just something to think about.

Good luck!

 

[*Diamonds are a delight*]

DO NOT PROPOSE WITHOUT A RING PLEASE

 

[kat6]

Why not? I wouldn''t care.

 

[sklingem]

Question is: does SHE want to be involved in the process and to what degree?? Do YOU want her to be involved? At this point I would be uncomfortable buying a ring without more precise parameters, especially with regards to the shape of the stone. I would also not propose without a ring. Good luck!

 

[JCJet]

I think she would be ok either way, but I think a surprise proposal (with a ring) is my best bet. I''m going to try to get some more information out of her, have her look at cuts and settings, and then take care of things on my own. I actually trust the jeweler I''ve been working with a lot and value his advice, so I''m thinking I can probably be pretty successful in choosing. I think she will really appreciate not only the surprise but the fact that I picked something for her, based on knowledge of her tastes. Thanks to all who have responded, you''ve been a great help. Long story short, I''m going to go for the surprise.

 

[sklingem]

Sounds good. One last word of advice: Be open to the (unlikely) event that she does NOT like the setting - and that maybe you will have to change it to make her happy. For me, that is the potential price to pay if you do not get her directly involved. Good luck!

 

[FrekeChild]

I was going to mention the option of going with a place holder ring (an inexpensive band or gemstone ring) so you can propose with a ring AND she can have a say in the process, but it seems you have already reached a decision.

Good luck! (And we like pictures around here! Hint hint!)

 

[emeraldluvr]

you know... I actually really like havernell''s idea. I think it''s the best. Why don''t you have her pick out the ring with you, let her design it the way she wants and then a few weeks/months down the line make a surprise proposal that she''ll never forget. Sure it won''t be a total surprise but you could take her completely off guard.

I really think this is the best way, she is the one that''s going to be wearing that ring forever. I think she''ll really appreciate it. I''ve always had this rule that when it comes to large purchases, guys shouldn''t make anything a "surprise" even if it comes from the goodness of their heart.

 

[Inanna]

Count me in as one of those who advocate shopping together before the engagement. My (now) FI urged be to become involved in the process (smart guy) and although I had some hesitation at first, worrying about it ruining the surprise, my becoming involved was an incredibly good decision... and it was fun! My ring, according to BOTH of us, is perfect!

...And the proposal was still a total shock.

 

[mvyoung2]

JCJet seems like we''re in the same predicament! It''s actually pretty funny because for like 3 or 4 months I did INTENSIVE research on round brilliants but when I showed her a pic of my friends e-ring to see whether or not she liked the style, she then informed me that she like princess instead. Talk about getting the wind knocked out of you!

So I''m proposing to my gf within a few weeks but as I''m sure you''re aware things don''t always run smoothly. For me, my dilemma was that my gf and I have been apart for about 7 months because she''s studying abroad in Hong Kong. We''ve been talking seriously about marriage over the year but after she left we obviously can''t shop around for jewelry. However, even though I didn''t have much to work with, I decided to go ahead and purchase a ring because I felt it wouldn''t be as sentimental without it.

Here''s where I got creative though, Since I knew she wanted a princess cut obviously that''s what I got. But instead of hoping and praying I get a setting she''d like, I just had the diamond set in a classic solitaire. That way she''ll have something on her finger when we fly back together from HK and then we''ll go shopping for a setting. To me, that is an easy compromise.


hope that helps.

 

[RedG44]

I took a bit of a middle ground with my girlfriend. We looked around at stores and she told me the styles she liked. I then condensed that information and got a general feel for her tastes, and picked out a different setting that we hadn''t looked at. And then, of course, the timing of the proposal is always still a surprise.

The only problem with the "half-surprise" method is that it leads to a lot of anxiety on her part as she then knows you''re looking and will be waiting for the proposal (see: Ladies in Waiting, next forum over). Once the cat is out of the bag and you let her know you''re looking, the clock starts ticking. You can never go back to a pure surprise again.

 

[JCJet]

mvyoung: very similar situations. I don't get a lot of time to spend with my girlfriend due to my work travel schedule so I had to do research on my own and try to be sneaky when getting her opinion on cut and setting. Found out she didn't want halo or any sort of pave, but instead just a classic solitaire. I finally took the plunge (buying a ring anyway) about a week ago. Asscher cut, platinum solitaire based on the Cartier 1895. I'm picking up the ring this week so hopefully everything goes well. Now I just need her parents' permission and a proposal plan and I'm set!

 

[CNYHopeful]

JCJet, that''s so exciting! Let us know what you decide to do and how it goes. I''m sure she''ll love and appreciate all of the thought and love you put into it. Best wishes!

 

[4ever]

Date: 11/28/2008 1:26:46 PM
Author: emeraldluvr
you know... I actually really like havernell''s idea. I think it''s the best. Why don''t you have her pick out the ring with you, let her design it the way she wants and then a few weeks/months down the line make a surprise proposal that she''ll never forget. Sure it won''t be a total surprise but you could take her completely off guard.

I really think this is the best way, she is the one that''s going to be wearing that ring forever. I think she''ll really appreciate it. I''ve always had this rule that when it comes to large purchases, guys shouldn''t make anything a ''surprise'' even if it comes from the goodness of their heart.

I agree, this is what me and my SO are planning, well find the ring together and the rest is up to him. That way there''s still a surprise but I get the bling I want

The only problem with this is that every time we go somewhere nice I''ll be on edge

 

[rosskuhns]

Hmmmm, what about just buying the stone you like and putting it in a cheap setting? that way you can pick the setting together. I''m thinking of this, and going with one of the vendors here who has a solid return policy, so we could even go with a different cut if she wanted. I want her to be involved, but I still want to surprise her!

R

 

[kimmels]

My boyfriend and I had talked about getting engaged this year - but neither of us considered that a proposal. We went shopping together and I did a lot of research on this site, which I shared with him. He knows exactly what I want, but he also asked me to give him some other options, and we talked about the pros and cons of different diamond sizes, different vendors, etc. Anyway, I know the actual proposal is coming soon, and it''s driving me crazy - I want to know the day it''s going to happen and I want to see what he decided on! So there is definitely some surprise in it - but I tell you, it''s torture!
I don''t know if you feel comfortable talking rings before the proposal, if that somehow takes away from the surprise of the proposal - but I am so glad that I got to give my input. Also, as one of the earlier posters said, we really had fun shopping together.

 

[jjdav]

My fiance proposed without a ring and it was a total surprise. I really appreciated the chance to shop for the ring with him. Thank goodness we did because it was very difficult to find a sapphire in the cut, color and size I wanted. I was really lucky to have stumbled onto this site and ended up buying the gem from Jeff White and a custom made setting. My fiancé was very relieved that he didn't have to do it all alone and it also helped us have some practical discussions on the budget, which led to discussions about buying a home. When I polled the four women who got engaged or married in the last 12 months, not one of them said they would've picked out their exactly as is. By the way, they all got solitaires with beautiful large round diamonds. So I would recommend asking her to go shopping with you, it will take some of the stress out

Best of luck!

By the way, some of my initial setting ideas turned out to be not so comfortable when I tried them on. Good thing we had plenty of time to revise it.