Question for the girls...

[AtlanticAve]

We rarely get to see GF''s parents as they live quite far away. We will see them when they''re on the east coast in a few weeks though, and it has me thinking...

Which option makes more sense?

A) Propose before we see them, so GF can share ring, etc with family in person. This requires a letter/phone call to family informing them of my intentions, and ask for blessing (they''re old fashioned, and it seems like this is neccesary

); or

B) Wait and talk to family when we see them, and propose sometime after.

I guess it becomes a question of what should be more important... informing family in person, or allowing her to celebrate with family in person?

help?

 

[musey]

Well, for ME, it would be much much much more important to be able to share it with the fam post-proposal.

Then again, I asked my FI that he NOT "ask for permission" from my parents. I knew my dad would give him a hard time, trying to be funny, and poor FI might be scared to death by it. And my mom is very women''s-rights oriented, so she might have some moral objection to my being treated like "property." I just have always felt that the right to accept the proposal rested in MY hands, not anyone else''s.

But that''s me, not your girlfriend

If you''re sure that "asking permission" is needed, then I don''t think there''s anything wrong with doing it over the phone... especially if you tell them your reasons for doing it that way (wanting her to be able to celebrate during your visit).

 

[oshinbreez]

How long will you be visiting them?

Could you and her father go to lunch or something while she''s out with her mom? You could get the blessing from him. Then propose to her while you''re still there so she could share it with her family?

 

[AtlanticAve]

Unfortunately we''re meeting them in DC on Saturday am, and taking a train back home Sunday afternoon - probably not enough time for both.

Decisions...

 

[nessvan12]

I second a phone call to get their blessing so she can celebrate when they hit town. That is what would be most important to me.

 

[Pandora II]

FI didn''t ask my father beforehand - my dad can''t keep a secret to save his life, and the game would have been up!

My father was slightly hmm about it until I explained why FI hadn''t - then he just looked sheepish and said FI obviously knew him too well!

Personally I find it a bit odd to have ''permissions'' and ''giving aways'' - makes me feel like a heifer! I''ve taken them out of our ceremony

 

[sera]

Date: 10/9/2007 6:42:38 PM
Author: Pandora II
FI didn''t ask my father beforehand - my dad can''t keep a secret to save his life, and the game would have been up!


My father was slightly hmm about it until I explained why FI hadn''t - then he just looked sheepish and said FI obviously knew him too well!


Personally I find it a bit odd to have ''permissions'' and ''giving aways'' - makes me feel like a heifer! I''ve taken them out of our ceremony

My FF is threatening to bring a donkey and a goat to my parents and ask if they mind a trade LOL.

We plan on getting "officially" engaged and then telling my family in person- not asking permission, but more of a personal "announcement." For parents and close family, it''s not something I would want to do over the phone if it could be avoided. (Though if I talked to them on the phone after getting engaged, they would know something was up and I would end up telling them before we had a chance to tell them in person.)

So, I would prefer doing the "engaging" then doing the "asking" in person.

 

[diamondfan]

You could always call them as a courtesy and tell them that you plan to propose. You could not so much "ask" as give them a heads up, and feel out if they would think that it woud be more to their daughter''s liking to have it done privately and share it with them immediately after, or have it happen with them there. Has this ever come up with your girlfriend? Has a mutual friend had a similar situation so you could use that? (so it could be brought up, whereby she could say, Oh, I would hate to have it done in front of my family or I would love to have them be there)....sometimes communication is key. My husband did it in front of my whole family and to be honest I am still mixed about it. I knew it was coming and I am not sure I minded it, but I might have liked it to be more intimate and private. Only she knows what she would want for that special moment. Also, the parent thing is tricky, but you can show respect by talking to them without making it about asking their permission, a subtle difference but still worth noting.

 

[Kaleigh]

I''d make the call and tell them your intentions. Showing your respect for their feelings will go a long way. JMHO, I am old school about this.

 

[AtlanticAve]

Thank you so much ladies! Maybe this weekend?

 

[bee*]

Date: 10/10/2007 12:28:43 AM
Author: Kaleigh
I''d make the call and tell them your intentions. Showing your respect for their feelings will go a long way. JMHO, I am old school about this.

I totally agree with this. My fi met up with my dad last friday before we went to barcelona. He didn''t so much ask permission, he was just advising him of what he was going to do. I think it''s a nice thing to do.

 

[Odilia]

Date: 10/10/2007 3:35:45 PM
Author: bee*

Date: 10/10/2007 12:28:43 AM
Author: Kaleigh
I''d make the call and tell them your intentions. Showing your respect for their feelings will go a long way. JMHO, I am old school about this.

I totally agree with this. My fi met up with my dad last friday before we went to barcelona. He didn''t so much ask permission, he was just advising him of what he was going to do. I think it''s a nice thing to do.

That makes sense to me too.
It was kinda funny, because my DH popped the question before he asked my Dad, so after I accepted I told him it was contingent upon my Dad''s acceptance. Which was definitely a formality - my Dad loved DH right off the bat, so I knew absolutely what his "answer" would be. We were out of town visiting DH''s relatives, so we agreed to at least tell his Mom, who was there, since it would be more fun to tell her in person (and it was). We asked her to keep it secret until we got my Dad''s ''permission'', and she did. Then we went to my parents'' house, and when DH tried to "ask" my Dad for my hand in marriage, my Dad didn''t really understand, and thought it was an announcement anyway!

So much for plan B.

 

[zoebartlett]

I like the idea of having one''s boyfriend talk to her father (or both parents) before hand. Not really in an "asking permission" sort of way but more to get their blessing or telling him (them) his intentions I suppose. I''d recommend talking to them and proposing before you''re going to see her parents. That way, you''ll already be engaged and it might make the visit more special.

 

[door knob solitaire]

I'm old fashioned. I think you have decided to marry this one girl...and that in itself is really special. And yes it is between the two of you.

I think parents are responsible (most of the time) in making her the person she is ~ that made you stop and say THAT ONE!! And also there is the fact that you are gaining a family...not just a bride. A simple gesture before hand is so respectful, not just to the father/family, but to the bride to be.

I'm not a fan of a letter or a call. It is the uncomfortable sacrifice that makes you so venerable at this time...that is so much a part of this gesture. That can be cloaked through a call or a letter.

You did ask the girls...I am one...sorry I don't agree with the general consensus. (that is usually my way...friction friction friction!!) I am sure what ever you choose will be fine-as times have changed.

DKS

whats a few weeks...and can you propose to her while she is back home?

 

[navyvet2006]

Congrats and that''s nice of you to respect her family''s wishes and ask, you could ask the parents and inform them that she doesn''t know an your planning to surprise her and they will know and you can propose infront of her famkly and she has the best of both worlds.