proposing to my man.....

[shanes_vee99]

well, I did it. I took the ring in to the jeweler today. And i want to thank everyone for their input. I''m not having the color changed (it will stay the original yellow gold) I''m just having it resized. i just got off the phone with his mother a little bit ago, she told me she loved very much, and how happy she is that I''m doing this (basically welcomed me to the fam). So now I guess I''m going to ask for any suggestions people might have for the proposal itself (guys especially) I believe the statistics are something like under 10% of engaged couples involved the woman proposing. I''ve already picked the location (the courtyard behind his old apartments) --it beautiful-- not to mention, it''s where we fell in love. I also know some of the things I''d like to say, I just want to somehow give him the option of still asking me... if that makes any sense? Any suggestions?? Thanx everyone!

*~*When life leaves you in darkness, start looking for the stars*~*

 

[nicknomo]

Just curious.. how did this work?

Did you buy yourself the ring? Or did you buy him the ring?

 

[shanes_vee99]

his mother gave me a ring that is to be inherited to him anyway from his grandfather that passed... It will mean alot to him as well as his mom.

 

[Bethanying]

When is this going to happen? Please let us know how this 'untraditional' proposal goes!

Bethany

 

[shanes_vee99]

It's going to happen on August 24th (his b-day) and the really cool thing about it, is that the engraving on the inside shows that his grandfather presented this band to his wife in August exactly 50 years ago!! I'm so excited. But i'm also looking for some creative ideas, or a cool website to find some nice proposal stories/poems. Thanx for the inquiry!!

 

[shaneyboy]

nice...very nice indeed. well, i must say that i'm proud of you, don't ever let anybody tell you that proposing is a man's job. Traditionally, men do the proposing,(although i want to propose to my girl), but if she proposed to me, i would definitely say yes. All the best, i'm here looking for proposal poems myself, so, if you get any please share it with us, that would be useful.

 

[shanes_vee99]

Thanx for the support, BOY do I need it. I hear alot of mixed reviews about this "non-traditional" way of getting engaged. But you're absolutely right, as long as I'm sure he'll say yes, what's the big deal? I still plan on having him ask my father, it's something I know he wanted to do anyway

P.S. I'll let you know if I find any proposal ideas and vice versa 'K? Thanx again!

 

[nicknomo]

Why his birthday?

I know it seems like a good day, but I'd opt for a day that's otherwise trivial. Of course it's your choice...

 

[Audrey Hepburn]

Please forgive this reply, I intend no offense.....

Vee, I would think this one over. If your man is AT ALL traditional, he is going to want to propose to YOU. Does he want to propose to you? And if he does, why aren't you letting him? This is very important to men, to feel needed by women, to feel trusted by women, to feel that they can provide well for their family. These things make men feel good about their masculine selves.

1. If you propose to him even though you know he wants to propose to you, it will be like cutting his balls off. He will feel de-masculinized and be confused. Men do not wear engament rings, women do. Offer him the ring as a birthday gift with love and with hope in your future together, but do NOT ask him to marry you. Be patient, directly express your desire to get married, and go ring shopping together. Let him be the man, and work within his role. I am NOT being sexist here. I totally believe that men and women are 100% equal. But we are NOT THE SAME. Unless you are a VERY progressive couple, with a disregard for most tradtional beliefs, let him do the asking. It's OK to ask for what you want ("I want to get married") but then let him fulfill that need for you. It will help him be a man (cheesy as that sounds...)
2. If he DOESN"T want to propose to you (yet), why are you asking him? Most women (and again, I KNOW there are exceptions, but overall...) are ready to be married before the man is. Don't force him into a yes or a no, not yet. Let him take the lead... Let him know what you want (I want to be married) but if he were ready for it, he'd be the one asking you - if you've already let him know that you want to be married. Don't corner a man - he'll run like an animal. Tell him what you need from him, and let him provide that for you. You will feel secure (you can ask him for something and you feel secure that you'll get it from him), he will feel needed and trusted, and everyone will be happier, I promise.

I know a ton of this may sound crazy and sexist and old-fashioned, but I swear I'm not a "Rules" girl. However, I do believe that men and women work best within certain gender roles that are based on the inherent biology within us. I know there are exceptions, but I'm talking about in general. I've taken lots of psyc classes (jung, etc), and talked many people through relationship issues. This is just what I;ve seen from my experience, and is my opinion on the matter....

Hope I didn't rain on your parade. The ring sounds like a lovely BIRTHDAY gift (because men don't wear engagement rings) - just let him be the first one to get down on a knee and say those four little words....

-AH

 

[Audrey Hepburn]

Ok, I see now that the ring is a woman's ring, and you are giving it to him to give it to you. Don't do it, the reasons above still apply. If he wants to do it, let him make that effort, and ask his mother for the ring himself. Let him know it's the ring you want. Get him a wonderful birthday gift, make him dinner, but do NOT ask him to marry you then give him a ring he's supposed to give BACK to you.
-AH

 

[nicknomo]

I don't know, it's pretty amazing to have the woman flipping the bill for the ring. It's a very interesting gesture. We all know how tradition goes, but not everyone conforms to traditional standards.

I do have to agree though... If he is the traditional type, then he might not be all that thrilled.

I would think that she would know best though... If she is thinking rationally at least.

 

[shanes_vee99]

Thanks for the advice AH, but I do feel like I need to explain a few things:

1) The ring I intend to give him for his birthday is in fact a ring he can wear. I’m having it sized to fit his finger; I guess you could say it’s a unisex wedding band. I would never dream of giving him a gift like that with the intentions of him giving it back to me. When I get it back from the jewelers this weekend, I’ll snap a picture and put it up on this page.
2) The reason I think he would be okay with me asking him is …. Well many reasons. One being that I’ve typically been the decision maker in the relationship, and I think it would be easier on him if I asked him first. I say “first” because I want to let him know that it’s basically my commitment to marry him, and when he’s ready he can go to my father and ask for his blessing (the whole 9). Also we already went ring shopping together, and we picked one out for me that he is paying off right now. About a week ago, we had a very serious discussion about all of this, and he said he wants to marry me very much. I also got the impression during this talk that he doesn’t think he’s “worthy” for some reason. But I very, very much believe that he is. I ALSO asked him in a very casual way what he would think if I ever proposed to him, and he said he would accept.
3) I know it can be a very complicated situation for people to fully understand without knowing us. He isn’t like most guys. He’s sensitive, very caring, and also a bit shy when it comes to big things like this. I can say this, other people that know us (looking from the outside, in) all say that we just “got it” as a couple, we argue and make up immediately, and we know that the other person isn’t going to give up on the other, also we compliment each other well, one of those ways being my out going nature (the decision maker) and him being my Huge rock of support, he’s my best friend.

I don’t want to “steal his thunder” in fact one of my reasons for chatting on this site is to find a way to still give him the option of asking me at a later time, when my ring is paid off. I don’t want him to feel like I beat him to the punch, and I honestly don’t think he will. But in case he does, I need to figure out what to say back to him. I’m also going to make him a scrapbook of out 4+ years together and I’m in the middle of writing him a poem, that tells him pretty much exactly how he made me feel back then, and today. I think I’m going to tie the ring in a ribbon at the end of the scrapbook by his grandparents picture, what do you think?

Well I think I’ve stated my case, and you can probably tell now how serious I am about this. He means the WORLD to me, and I’ve made up my mind. So any advice on how to approach the proposal itself would really be helpful to me. And again thanx so much for giving me another perspective AH, you definitely made some good points

 

[shanes_vee99]

Thanks for your support nicknomo! I need all the pats on the back I can get. I'm a pretty level-headed, out-going person, but right now I am FREAKING out, I now know what guys go through when they're getting ready to do this. It's the most nerve-racking thing I've ever been through!

 

[Audrey Hepburn]

Vee-
I think I understand a bit more of your situation! You have obviously thought through this carefully, and it seems that this may be the right move for you and your man. I hope I did not offend you, and if I did I sincerely apologize - knowing more about your history together and the characteristics of your SO have helped clear up my confusion about this scenario! In many other circumstances, I still believe that proposing to a man is a poor idea, but for you I think it could work.
As for the proposal - again, I would concentrate on how much you love him and how excited you are to be able to spend the rest of your life with him. Considering the non-traditional nature of this proposal, I wouldn't take a knee or anything like that, but if you express your desire to be his wife for the rest of your days on this earth, and give the ring to him as a token of your promise to him, and to the upcoming marriage, I think he'll understand. If his grandparents had a great relationship and marriage, you may want to include something about your hope that your own relationship may be as happy and long-lived as his grandparent's... You can always say, "will you marry me?" just to be perfectly clear, but I think between the ring, the poem, the words you two will share - he'll get the picture. Is he going to wear it on his "wedding" finger?
Good luck to you and let us all know how it turns out!
-AH

 

[msbennie]

I think Vee made it very clear that she's made up her mind and that she WILL propose to her man. Her reasoning for coming to this site is not SHOULD she propose to him but HOW will she propose to him...just like the title of this site: Proposal Ideas. So, hey don't knock Vee. If you don't have any ideas, don't respond. Vee, it looks like you know your man and exactly what he wants. However, without knowing the type of person you are, it's very difficult to give you any proposal ideas. If it were me, I would take my DF to his favorite restaurant (he's not a home cook type guy) and from there on a nice carriage ride and during the ride, ask him to marry me and present him with the ring! However, that's my man...you know exactly the things your man may like to do and that's how you should plan your proposal. Good luck and by the way, YOU GO GIRL!!!

P.S. The capitalizing was not shouting but only to emphasize the word.

 

[nicknomo]

Vee,

Your welcome

I must say, I'm lucky, as I don't have to worry about a yes or a no when I propose. My fiance to be has been actively involved in the process... Looking back on it, I sort of wish I didn't do it that way, so I could suprise her... but on the bright side, I have no nerves about whether she will say "no".

It sounds like you sort of went through the same process though, and are in a very similar spot. So why the nerves?????? I don't think it can be fear of rejection. Is it fear of his reaction to the proposal? I'm sure you want it to be memorable, so I'm guessing an unhappy fiance is what you are afraid of.

I wouldn't fret though. If you are worried about that, you could always make it more open ended. Like, ask him to acceept the ring, to honor your commitment (which is really the same thing, but it still leaves him with the definitive proposal).

Of course, if you aren't worried about that, then you should do just fine.

As far as how to propose... it is a tough question. I've been thoroughly thinking this over myself. I want nice scenery, however finding a spot that is a plausible location is very hard. I think though some great alternatives are the place you first met, went on your first date, first kissed, or some memorable location where you shared a special moment.

Then the matter of how to propose is an even harder question, isn't it? I mean, first you have to have a great spot, then you have to think of some special way to set the moment. I always thought the hardest part was shelling out the cash

... but that was seemingly easy (and fun?!?).

People tend to hide the ring in things, but I personally don't like that. Skywriting or planes with banners have been used, but that seems anti-climatic and is very timing intensive. There is "plan B" from the Simpsons (Lisa's futuristic wedding) where a "will you marry me" sign is strapped to the side of a goat... But I'd only use that as a last resort.

You mentioned a poem, which could work great in a romantic, private setting... If well written and relatively short (not Haiku short, but under 20-30 seconds or so), you could use something like that as a lead in to a proposal. Of course, this all depends on how confident you are about how articulate your writing is.

Of course, once again, you should know him best. You should concentrate on his uniqueness and cater to that the best you can.

But hey, no matter what you do.. as long as it's heartfelt, you cannot go wrong.

 

[JimDiamond]

Vee,

I know you've given this a lot of thought. I'm glad you're really taking the time to get input and think about it. I have a perspective that hopefully will be helpful to you. I think I may have some things in common with your boyfriend. And my girlfriend (now fiancee) also considered proposing to me.

I'm a guy. I'm also less than typical. I'm very sensitive and caring. I enjoy talking about our "relationship" more than my girlfriend does I think. I've thought about this in relation to your posts and those of the others and I'd like to offer another point. When people find out that he's engaged, some will ask him how he proposed (you'll also be together sometimes when they ask to see your ring). He will have to answer that you proposed to him. No matter how happy he may be, it's going to make him a little (or a lot) uncomfortable to answer that you proposed to him. If he's as sensitive and shy as you say he is that will make it even MORE difficult for him. I would suggest that if you're dead set on proposing to him. Why not do it informally? Don't do it like a man might by making a big romantic date with fancy restaurants and horse drawn carriages. Do it in a private place that you both like (a favorite picturesque spot or in the jacuzzi or on the couch or wherever the two of you feel comfortable). Say something like HISNAME, I want to marry you and give him a gift--anything in the world other than a ring. Pause for discussion and then ask him what ring he wants to give to you--tell him about the grandmother's ring--and then go get that one sized for you, or the new one and then let him put it on your finger. I think in this scenario you still get exactly what you want, but he gets to say he proposed to you. You can tell no one or you can tell everyone how you set it up, that's up to you. I know in your original post you were still a little tentative "I want to somehow give him the option of asking me..." I think this is a good compromise. I hope you'll consider that he has to live with the engagement in a world that isn't always kind to that which is not usual.

On the other hand after 20 years of blissful marriage no one will care whether you proposed or he proposed. I just hope this helps. I want to see both of you happy and comfortable--and engaged!

 

[honeynut]

Personally JD, I think that they'll be telling the story of how they proposed to each other.

 

[shanes_vee99]

Wow! I never expected to get so many heart felt responses!! Thank you all sooo much for taking the time to help me out with this situation. Everyday I come up with more ideas for that special night, alot of it thanks to all of you! I'm going to make him a picnic dinner, and when I come home from work that day (yes, it has to be during the week) and tell him to be ready by 7:00. We will then go to our local park (there's more areas to be "secluded" I decided) rather than the courtyard at his old apartments (where we fell in love) we'll eat our dinner, have a glass of wine (the kind he introduced me to when we started dating) + I think it will calm my nerves a bit

then after we eat I will give him one of his gifts (an electic guitar clock w/ neon lights -he's a musician) then I will break out the scrapbook of our last four years together. I'll put the poem at the end, and when we get that far, I'll take it, read it to him, and then pop the question. Then when he accepts (*fingers crossed*) I will say something like, "you'll still have to ask my father's permission" because I know that's important to both him and my dad. and then I'll let him know that when he's finished paying off my ring and wants to give it to me, he can present it to me, with his reasons for wanting to spend HIS life with me. So, yeah, in a way I guess it would be like we were proposing to each other. And as far as the ring goes (his grandparent's ring) I'll let him decide which finger he would like to wear it on. I also plan to get him an actual wedding ring, mainly because we both prefer white gold, and this one is yellow. But anyways, it's gonna happen on the 24th of this month
(2-1/2 weeks) so I will be sure to let you all know how it goes. Oh! and one more thing, I was thinking about maybe putting a voice recorder in the outside pocket of my purse to capture the moment. Does that sound like a good idea? Again, thank you everyone!!!

Vee

 

[heart prongs]

Since you have the ring, why not give it to him after he proposes to you? Trust me -- it will be worth the wait!!! I don't mean to offer advice when it wasn't asked for...forgive me if I'm out of line...

 

[shanes_vee99]

Believe me, I've already thought of the fact that I won't have that proposal I've dreamed of since childhood. But I gave it alot of thought, and doing it this way will be just as exciting and joyous, and you can't beat the anticipation! I know my Shane, and if he was the one going through this right now, he'd be a mess! I'd be able to tell right away.

But like I've said, I made up my mind. Thanx anyway heart prongs!

 

[Bethanying]

My BF, soon to be fiance, is named Shane too!




Gotta love those Shanes!

Bethany

 

[shanes_vee99]

Yes, you do gotta love them Shanes

I posted a picture of him, well and me also under "the man I'm proposing too..." on this forum

I also wanted to make mention to all, that I got the ring back today, and honestly, it looks like it was always meant to be a man's ring. The engraving is a little bit messed up, but it looks great. I'll take a picture of it, and post it as soon as I can. I know some of you must be curious!

P.S. when do most of you visit this site?

 

[msbennie]

I visit this site normally after 7:00 p.m. CST

 

[kkeen15]

Vee, I first want to say that I admire your confidence and awareness of your relationship in knowing whether to take this step. I've posted on girl-proposing-to-boy threads before, and they were along the lines of "should I or shouldn't I?". My position has always been that if you need to ask random people on an Internet chat board, don't do it

.

Obviously, that isn't your situation. The way you've defended your position makes me, strangely, proud of you, but mostly inspired by you. Which is also weird, b/c this isn't the type of thing that most of us on the board can be inspired to go and do b/c either our BF's/FI's aren't that type of guy, or we're already engaged.

Also, I like the idea of a woman thinking of all these special things to do to create a special scenario just for her man. Although some guys, including my own, wouldn't notice if I chopped a foot of my hair off, haha.

Anyway, I like all of your ideas so far. I agree that you shouldn't try to follow the standard man-proposing protocol--blaze your own trail on this one. The scrapbook will be a great memory as well. Keep up the brainstorming, I'm sure it will go beautifully!