Propose to my boyfriend???

[soccer girl]

Last Valentine''s Day my boyfriend of 8 months proposed to me. It was a beautiful ring and a beautifully planned night, but I just wasn''t ready. In the past year we continued to date and I asked him to move in with me last June.

Now its a year later. We''ve both kind of joked and hinted about the idea of family and marriage. My concern is to eliminate any feelings of angst about proposing which developed from his first attempt. In other words should I propose to him? If so should I do it on Valentine''s day?

I''ve read other posts concerning proposing to your byfriend, but I feel this is a special case. Let me know what you think. I could really use some advice.

 

[cpsmaxima]

Why not? I think you are most likely tuned into his feelings. He may be hesitant about asking again. I don''t think anyone could blame him for feeling that way either.

If you really Love him and can''t immagine being without him for the rest of your life than ask him! Immagine his thrill to be able to tell the story of his wife asking him to marry her. A rare occurance, that would certainly make him feel very very special.

If you decide not to, than drop subtle hints to him that you are ready. For example... Stop in a few diamond dealers to look at rings together. Make passing conversation about how you liked the idea of his original proposal, just that it was a little to soon.

Either way... Good luck

Keep us posted

 

[JulieN]

Date: 1/9/2006 8:18:28 AM
Author:soccer girl
My concern is to eliminate any feelings of angst about proposing which developed from his first attempt. In other words should I propose to him? If so should I do it on Valentine''s day?

If you want to propose, you should. If you don''t want to, simply telling him that you love him, and want to spend the rest of your life with him should ease his mind.

 

[freckles127]

Go for it! It''s understandable that he would be hestitant to ask you again even if he truly wants to... you already know how he feels about you

It''ll be a sweet and interesting proposal if you decide to go through with it. Keep us updated!!

 

[larussel03]

I say why not? Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, why not sooner than Vday???

Not to pry, but does he still have the ring???

 

[Waited2Long]

Good question! Give it a twist. Get him down on one knee, present him the ring, and say, "Will you ask me to marry you?"

 

[Jelly]

Date: 1/10/2006 12:12:13 AM
Author: Waited2Long
Good question! Give it a twist. Get him down on one knee, present him the ring, and say, ''Will you ask me to marry you?''

I love that idea! I proposed to my fiance...though we already knew we were going to get married. Make it fun and memorable! Good luck!

 

[esguy27]

I''ll play devil''s advocate here. I say no, don''t propose to him. Proposing to your gf is one of the few parts of the marriage process that is the guy''s responsibility (at least most of the time). Believe it or not, many men think about how they will propose to their gf for years, possibly before they even meet their gf. If my gf were to propose to me right now, even though I''d be very excited about getting engaged, I would definitley feel a bit of disappointment that I did not get to propose.

I know your situation is a bit different since he already proposed once. My suggestion would be to drop the most obvious of hints to him or just come right out and tell him you''re ready now. That way, you make it clear to him that if he asks now, you''ll say yes and you give him the chance to do what most of us guys think about long before we propose. I''m proposing to my gf in two months and I''ve been planning and thinking about it for a long time now. To have my thunder taken away so to speak would be a bit disappointing despite being ecstatic about being engaged to her.

Does that make any sense?

 

[sunkist]

I agree with esguy27 (even if he was just playing devil''s advocate

). What if your boyfriend is already planning on surprising you with another proposal?! He must have been excited the first time he proposed and he''s hung around waiting for you to be ready so he CAN marry you and spend the rest of your lives together. I would make it VERY obvious to him that you are now ready for marriage, that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and that when he asks you you''ll say yes!

Although when I first read your post I thought it would be ok for you to propose, I now think that if I were in the situation I wouldn''t want to take that away from my boyfriend- soon to be husband. Just make it plain and simple for him--"I''m ready to be married now!"

 

[bar01]

I like your attitude and consideration for you guys feeling and ego.

The fact that you are willing to consider proposing to him because of what happen before - shows your deep consideration for him. However, I feel that you need to leave something to a guy, and to do it in a way that makes him feel respected, honored and in charge.

So here is what I suggest you do - do something really nice for him – a home cooked meal (his favorite food) is nice - then after telling him what a special man he is - look him right in the eye adoringly and say
“I wish I could have the opportunity I had last Valentines Day, things would sure be a lot different this year"

It sounds a lot better to me (a guy) “I am ready now - you may try again” or “I have decided to propose to you”.

 

[BrightSpot]

Very well put, Bertrand! Good luck, soccer girl & welcome to Pricescope.

 

[sparkygalore]

I''m a bit of a lurker, but wanted to stand up for the idea of soccer girl re-proposing -- I think it''s romantic and sweet and thoughtful to reciprocate his efforts! Besides, what a great way to turn the tables on the last proposal and really knock him over the head with how comitted you are to spending your life with him -- and how excited, too.

Anyway, for inspiration, I''m going to attempt to link to a thread on indiebride full of proposal stories -- guys proposing to girls, girls proposing to guys, etc: attempted link here. Good luck -- I''m sure he''ll be totally moved if you go for it.

p.s. As an on-again off-again lurker, I apologize if I''m breaking any unspoken board etiquette by posting another board''s thread.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 1/10/2006 2:30:28 PM
Author: Bertrand

So here is what I suggest you do - do something really nice for him – a home cooked meal (his favorite food) is nice then after telling him what a special man he is - look him right in the eye adoringly and say

“I wish I could have the opportunity I had last Valentines Day, things would sure be a lot different this year''

I like this idea. It''s subtle but gets the point across. Kind of fluff it up a little, make him know how much you regret saying no last year and how important he is to you and how you can''t see yourlife without him.

I think you proposing, while a nice idea considering, might hurt his male ego.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I''d have to say don''t propose to him also....it really is one of those "guy things," whether or not it is PC to say so....I always wanted to propose to my future husband, but when it came down to real life I saw that this just wouldn''t work with most men. My guy would feel a little emasculated, as sweet as he might think my proposal was, he would miss not getting his moment and showing that he can TOO buy sparkly things and surprise me with them...

Also, on a real level this is about finincial ability to provide. I don''t say this bc I think that men SHOULD be the main breadwinners, but they often are--and the dedication to find what you want and the ability to buy it does make a strong statement that a man is (at least in this way--I''m not about to say that a big sparkly means he is The One in all respects) ready for marriage--which is in some ways about money. Relationships are about love. Marriages are about everyday life, kids, and finances.


So--this is totally my opinion and feel free not to take it too seriously--but I would say that most men might not be comfortable with their gf proposing in the long run for the above reasons.

 

[soccer girl]

Date: 1/9/2006 9:27:22 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*
I say why not? Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, why not sooner than Vday???

Not to pry, but does he still have the ring???

Well, Thanks for all the input, although I must say I''m still a bit confused. My count is 6 yeas and 7 nays. Never really thought about the fact that guys actually fantasize about proposing to their gfs. Guess I''ve never really been one to stroke the male ego. But maybe I should consider it more. My boyfriend is pretty sentimental. To answer this question, after the proposal last year he threw the ring in a river! He said when he looked at the ring it only reminded him of what happened instead of what it should have symbolized.

I just want to erase that memory with a good one. That''s why I thought doing this on Valentine''s Day would be a good idea.

Soccer girl

 

[CourtHorn]

Oh no. Did he get the ring back out? If you do propose, how is the ring situation gonna go? I just assumed that you would use the old ring, but if it''s at the bottom of a river (how very Lord of the Rings), what are you gonna do?
I was all for you proposing until I looked at it from the perspective of a guy, and I changed my mind. Good Luck with your decision.

 

[Selkie]

I was in a very similar situation, and it sounds as though our guys are similar also - sentimental, and somewhat traditional. We'd been together for about a year, maybe a little less, when he proposed. It wasn't a "down on one knee" proposal, more of a declaration that he'd been thinking a lot about it and wanted to start looking for a ring. I definitely wasn't ready yet. In fact, I'm really kind of a commitment-phobe, although I have common sense too and know when NOT to let go of a damn good thing. We talked about it for quite a while, and let it rest for a bit. For FOUR years, in fact. We jokingly brought up the topic now and then, but never in a serious way. Recently I've been feeling much readier, and was trying to figure out how to bring up the idea. I thought about proposing myself, but even though I myself have no qualms with doing things the non-traditional way, I knew he would probably like to be the one to do it. I was actually prepared to do some serious hinting, but on New Years Eve, our 5th anniversary, he tried again, this time with the knee thing. I think if you have a good relationship, with good communication and understanding of each other, it wouldn't take much more than a small bit of encouragement to get things rolling again. Maybe you could suggest learning to SCUBA dive (if he's not too sensitive about joking about the ring)?

Best of luck!
Selkie

 

[MiniMouse]

Date: 1/10/2006 2:30:28 PM
Author: Bertrand

“I wish I could have the opportunity I had last Valentines Day, things would sure be a lot different this year''

Great quote Bertrand, then perhaps they can go scuba diving for the lost ring!

 

[cutes814]

I''m with the nays. I think you should hint to him that you are ready and let him handle the proposal. While you proposing to him will be very sweet and he would appreciated at that moment, it will hurt his male ego for sure. And after your proposal, you guys would have to tell everyone how YOU proposed. Guys really look forward to proposing even though it is nerve wrecking!

I really like Bertrand''s plan. It sounds like a perfect way to express that you are ready.

 

[Hansel]

I like that idea too...Ask him to ask you to marry him...thats sweet.

 

[ellewoods]

I definitely don''t think guys fantasize about proposing in the way that many women fantasize about the proposal, wedding, the dress, etc. But I do think that for most men, proposing is something they see as their responsibility. It''s a guy thing. For that reason, I wouldn''t propose to him. Even though he''s proposed once, I still think it would feel right to him to propose instead of you. It''s a masculinity thing.

Also, I totally agree with Milly -- everyone is going to ask you about the proposal and the details, and you''ll have to say you proposed to him. Maybe you don''t mind that, but I wouldn''t want that to be my proposal story. Maybe most of your friends/family know about last year''s proposal, so you proposing now wouldn''t seem strange to them, but for people who don''t know about that....they may think that he wasn''t ready or didn''t want to propose to you, so you proposed to him. Maybe its not fair to think that, but if one of my friends told me she was engaged and that she proposed, that''s honestly what I would think.

But I think you should do something really special for him, along with not-so-subtle hints that you''re ready to say yes to him now. Maybe plan a big night out, at a fancy restaurant, maybe spend the night in a romantic hotel, etc. Do something a bit more special than an ordinary date or birthday etc., almost like a proposal. But don''t actually propose -- have a talk with him where you tell him "I love you and I''m ready for what happened last Valentine''s Day," etc.

That way he''ll feel good knowing you''re ready, and also that you put a lot of time and effort into doing something special and romantic for him. It doesn''t even have to be something super romantic -- surprise him with a day of sky diving, or a special weekend trip somewhere, or some great experience having to do with a hobby of his. I think that will mean a lot to him.

 

[Hansel]

Date: 1/22/2006 1:46:31 PM
Author: ellewoods
I definitely don''t think guys fantasize about proposing in the way that many women fantasize about the proposal, wedding, the dress, etc. But I do think that for most men, proposing is something they see as their responsibility. It''s a guy thing. For that reason, I wouldn''t propose to him. Even though he''s proposed once, I still think it would feel right to him to propose instead of you. It''s a masculinity thing.


"It''s a masculinity thing." I disagree with this reasoning. On the basis that I am a man, and I think that is a stereotypical comment. Secondly, I think it was a guy who suggested that you ask him to ask you to marry him, that sounded funny. Frankly, I agree with her that men don''t think about things the same way as women... err men think logically (I am kidding, I am kidding). That being said I think it is actually better for you to ask him- or at least ask him to ask you. For a multitude of reasons:
1) it is a way of saying you are sorry if you hurt him the last time (just my opinion)
2) it shows him that you have emotionally matured (you said you were a commitment phobe)
3) it means you are willing to make yourself emotionally vunerable to him. I think the is the most important thing. When someone proposes they aren''t giving the person a ring; they are giving themselves. And when you do that you make yourself extremely emotionally vunerable, and the fact that you can be THAT vunerable with that person mean you trust them. And trust is the foundation of the relationship, which you are hopefully committing yourself to.

Ladies and gentlemen I rest my case...

Sincerely,

A dude...

 

[ellewoods]

Thanks for a male''s perspective Nathan.

My opinion is based on the experience I am having with my long-term boyfriend. I expect we''ll be engaged within the next 5 months. A few months ago when I was trying to be helpful by sending him pictures of rings I liked, etc. he finally got irritated and told me to stop sending him info. He said that he was working on things, and that he feels that proposing is something that is the guy''s (his) job and he doesn''t want any more input from me. He said that he''s sorry that he''s the one with all the control on the proposal (i.e. what ring, when, how etc.) but that''s the way it is for him -- the guy does the legwork on the ring and chooses the details of the ring and the proposal.

He also said that I won''t be able to control the details unless I proposed to him, which he didn''t want. He said he wants to take the next step in our relationship and get married, but he said that he doesn''t want me to propose because he feels its his job as the male in the relationship.

So for you it might be a stereotype, but in my relationship it is reality.

I think you articulated the reasons to propose beautifully, and I agree with all of them. I still don''t think she should propose but I wholeheartedly agree that she should "at least ask him to ask you." That''s what I meant by my earlier post. For all the great reasons you listed, I think she should clearly tell her boyfriend she''s ready (or ask him to ask her again when he''s ready).

 

[monarch64]

Ok, this may be completely out of the ballpark, but it''s an idea that hasn''t yet been brought up: what if you both proposed to each other? (Just thinking outside the box here.) Since you are living together, and share the most important moments of the day together as well as life in general, I was thinking why not propose to each other? It''s as unconventional as girl proposing to boy, and it would give both of you the chance to possibly talk things out first and make the decision together. Just food for thought....I always like to play "devil''s advocate" to "devil''s advocate!"