pre-proposal logistics

[PixieDust]

Hello, all! I’ve been lurking for a while, but find that I could use some of the forum’s typical tactful insight, so here’s my first post in any forum anywhere...

Bf and I anticipate formalizing an engagement. He definitely wants the actual proposal to be a surprise in terms of how/when/where. The problem is that I’d like to be involved in the selection of the diamond and setting for the engagement ring. Bf is worried that if I help pick out the diamond and setting in advance, the proposal won’t be a “surprise” anymore. He doesn’t like the idea of with proposing without a ring.

So far, the best solution I have is to keep an eye on inventories out there, and keep an ongoing list of diamonds/settings that seem good. This lets me be somewhat involved while letting him keep the element of surprise. Bf seems to think that this is an acceptable, but not optimal, compromise.

The question is what people think about this level of involvement. Bf really wants to have a good story to tell family/friends/co-workers, who will want to know how it all *finally* happened. (I know that all that matters is how we feel, but he really cares about how a proposal sounds to others.) Would my helping to select the diamond detract from the ultimate proposal story? Also, does anybody have a better compromise suggestion? Many thanks to all.

 

[strmrdr]

How about both of you pick out the diamond.
Then he buys a simple solitar setting of his choice and timing
and later you both pick out the final setting for the ring and wedding band.
Then you can keep the original setting and have maybe a gemstone ring or something made up for another finger.
That way you keep and use both the diamond and the setting.

Or

If you both have close to the same size fingers get a band and have a head put on it to hold the diamond and later have the head removed and it becomes his wedding band.

or

Be traditional and be happy with what he gets.
I recently got engaged and wouldn't have been happy being told what to get it was my duty and privilege to do so and you are denying him that opportunity.
But to each their own :}

 

[pauls girl]

One way to be "involved" in your diamond purchase, and still let it be a surprise would be to give your BF a guideline of what kind of diamond you want, and then let him go out and actually pick one out. This is what my fiancee and I did. He started dropping hints that he was going to be heading towards making a purchase of this magnitude, and asked if I had any preferences as to the size of the diamond, color, clarity, cut, etc. I gave him the minimum numbers that I would get "if" I was picking it out myself...and if he got something better than that, then great! If not, it would still be a diamond that I knew I would love (not that I wouldn't have loved ANY diamond he gave me, but you get the point...).


Like strmrdr mentioned also, my fiancee put the stone he then purchased into a plain white gold tiffany cathedral setting, and once he proposed we went out together and picked out a permanant band. The way we did it worked out great, because I know that my fiancee was nervous about picking out a diamond without me (I think he thought I would rather pick out my diamond myself), but since the numbers I gave him were only a guideline, he was able to still surprise me with what he had picked out. And let me tell you...he picked a diamond that I adore. I honestly don't think I would have picked a different diamond if I had 100 different ones laid out in front of me to choose from.




Just one idea....

-PG

 

[jenibear]

You do what you want.

We did what you are hoping to do.

My boyfriend - fiance - is traditional. I am not. He wanted the whole proposal thing to be his doing. Uh, I don't think so. I'm not letting him spend thousands on something I have to wear for the rest of my life and risk me hating it. Call me a b**ch if you want, but I am practical, not romantic.

He however - is very romantic.

This is what happened:

We started out with him making a file he kept at work with all my criteria and we went looking for stones together. We couldn't find any we liked. So at his request I looked online and he decided I should pick a stone I wanted because I had done all the diamond research - what jewelry-crazed girl doesn't?
So I found one I liked from Diamond Brokers of Florida and had it shipped to our home. He loved it the minute he saw it and we decided to get it.
Then came the setting. I told him he could get it set and then I'd pick one out later I liked - that way I would have no idea when it was coming.
He said it was stupid to waste money on a setting I would surely not like. I might as well pick something out I like now. So after a few weeks of figuring out what I wanted I picked a setting and the ring was made.
It was sent to his mom's house so I would have no idea when it was done and he had some big proposal planned. I could have cared less. He could have handed it to me with a bow on it and said here honey, I love you, let's get married. Did I say I am not very traditional?

His proposal was one of the most romantic I have ever heard of and thinking of it brings tears to my eyes because of how much thought and love he put into it. Go to Rocky Talky and read "the proposal story you've been waiting for." I think that will show you that a girl can pick her ring and still be surprised. Because it's what he says and how he says it that's important. The ring is just a pretty and expensive bauble.

And guess what? I love my ring, he loves my ring and he is so happy I love my ring so much. He now tells me he wouldn't have done it any other way. If you want to see my ring go to Show Me The Ring and look for posts by jenibear.

You do it your way. There is no right way - there is only the way that works for you anf your boyfriend! People can say what they want - but by giving you a "traditional" proposal it doesn't mean your guys loves you any more than if he failed to go the tradional route.

Good luck!
Jenibear

 

[sxn675]

Hi Pixie,

Have the two of you gone to try on rings together? That is one way to narrow down various settings. Your ideas of what you like might change when you try things on. Plus, it is something fun to do! Make sure to try things on with a band as well if you can. Things look very different that way. Originally, I really wanted a three-stone ring. But, when I tried things on, and tried them on with bands, I changed my mind and got a solitaire e-ring with a five-stone band.

He may not want you to know his exact budget, which may be why he is hesitating to have you TOO involved. Or, he could just love the idea of surprising you. Have you considered picking out a few settings you like and sending them to him? Or perhaps sending him some of the rings on here that you like? Also, you could send him some cut parameters and things to look for in whatever shape you like. This way, he retains some control over the budget and of surprising you, but you will get something you love.

Don't stress about it, this is supposed to be a happy and fun time! Congratulations on almost making the next step and let us know what happens.

 

[Mocha]

In my opinion, I totally agree with Jenibear. You will wear this ring forever and YOU should love it dearly, not think to yourself, "gee, I wish he chose this one or that one..." it's true that if you love it, your fiancee will be very happy also. I agree that the actual proposal (date/setting/time) should be a surprise, but the ring? I don't think so. Since you've already discussed getting engaged, why not collaborate on the ring as well, and let him dream up a fantasic proposal. That's the story he wants to tell his family and friends, they need not know you were involved in the selection of the ring. But that's only my opinion

 

[Klasniedryg]

My girl already knows that I have the ring

, I did not want her to know, but have to make the most of it.
For me, before I bought the ring, we both went to look at rings, and I found out her size, type of ring that she likes, etc. Later, about half year later, I found the perfect ring, and bought it for her. It may not be the biggest or most expensive ring outthere, but I would rather save the money on our honeymoon. I do hope that she likes it but I know from friends experience, that after they got engaged, they didnt care what size the ring was, all they cared is that they were engeaged.
Dont worry

and enjoy whatever ring your bf will give you, because the most important thing is not the ring, but him.
-God Bless-