Message in a Bottle (help which one should i use?)

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Message in a Bottle (help which one should i use?)

Posts: 131

Joined: February 3rd, 2004, 2:00 pm

Shiny Rock

by BearMan » March 13th, 2004, 10:02 am

well I wasnt able to make this a poll but your responses are appreciated.....

I am going to be putting a "POEM" in a BOTTLE that is sealed with a cork and have it so we find it on our normal sunday walk on the beach(having a friend baby sit it from a distance with camcorder in hand too).....

Which one of the following should i put in the bottle??

POEM #1

From the Sun to the Moon

and (should i just remove "and")

The Sand to the Stars

Like the sparkles of the stars

on

A clear summers night(or is "A moon lit night" better)

It is you that I will Love

For the rest of my life

SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME

POEM #2

From the Sun to the Moon

and The Sand to the Stars

From Mercury to Venus

and Earth to Mars

Like the sparkles of the stars

On a Moon lit night

It is you that I will Love

For the rest of my life

SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME

POEM #3

From the Sun to the Moon

The Sea to the Sky

Like the sparkles of the stars

On a clear summers night(or is "A moon lit night" better)

It is you that I will Love

For the rest of my life

SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME

POEM #4

A Sun rises so bright and beautifully

Then sets so soothingly

The Stars sparkles are ever so beautiful

but nothing compares to my love for you

The sun will rise for all eternity

and end its days always setting in the west

The stars will forever be wished upon

making loved ones smile form ear to ear

Just as my love for you is forever

growing every second of every minute

of every hour of every day

From the first time we met

and for the rest of eternity

It is you that I want to be my forever

I would be honored to be your forever too

SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME

Are there any glaring ERRORS or parts that dont read or sound right??

Please your opinions are greatly appreciated.

THANKS

I EDITED AND ADDED IN POEM #2

Posts: 343

ClownFishFunk

Joined: September 18th, 2003, 10:00 am

Shiny Rock

by ClownFishFunk » March 13th, 2004, 10:02 am

I kind of conglomerated all your poems into one and came up with this:

The sun will rise for all eternity,
Every day setting in the west -
And for each west-set sun to each moon-lit night,
And from the sand to the soon-sparkling stars
On a clear summers nightfall –
The sun will set on you, that I will love,
For the rest of my life.
Spoken: Will you marry me?

Okay, okay, it's been a dull day

I don’t know how much you are willing to change from your original ideas, so if I had to pick one I’d go with the first, but I don’t like how the word ‘stars’ end a line two times in a row, that’s all I would change. Hope this helps – sounds like a great idea.

Posts: 131

BearMan

Joined: February 3rd, 2004, 2:00 pm

Shiny Rock

by BearMan » March 13th, 2004, 10:24 am

----------------
On 3/13/2004 4:02:34 PM ClownFishFunk wrote:

I kind of conglomerated all your poems into one and came up with this:

The sun will rise for all eternity,
Every day setting in the west -
And for each west-set sun to each moon-lit night,
And from the sand to the soon-sparkling stars
On a clear summers nightfall –
The sun will set on you, that I will love,
For the rest of my life.
Spoken: Will you marry me?

Okay, okay, it's been a dull day

I don’t know how much you are willing to change from your original ideas, so if I had to pick one I’d go with the first, but I don’t like how the word ‘stars’ end a line two times in a row, that’s all I would change. Hope this helps – sounds like a great idea.
----------------

I was also concerned about STARS ending 2 consecutive sentences....

I could change it slightly

From the Sand to the Stars

And the Sun to the Moon

THEN CONTINUE AS IS??

Posts: 343

ClownFishFunk

Joined: September 18th, 2003, 10:00 am

Shiny Rock

by ClownFishFunk » March 13th, 2004, 10:30 am

it still sounds slightly repetitive to me, but its a lot better. Besides, who said a message in a bottle had to be perfect anyway?

Posts: 131

BearMan

Joined: February 3rd, 2004, 2:00 pm

Shiny Rock

by BearMan » March 13th, 2004, 10:38 am

----------------
On 3/13/2004 4:30:11 PM ClownFishFunk wrote:

it still sounds slightly repetitive to me, but its a lot better. Besides, who said a message in a bottle had to be perfect anyway?
----------------

I added in a NEW POEM #2 WHAT DO YOU THINK?? I think its my favorite of all so far.

Posts: 1030

icelady

Joined: November 25th, 2003, 3:18 pm

Brilliant Rock

by icelady » March 14th, 2004, 6:40 am

BearMan,

I like poem number 3 with "moonlit night".

It is simple and very sweet.

Good luck!

icelady

Posts: 131

BearMan

Joined: February 3rd, 2004, 2:00 pm

Shiny Rock

by BearMan » March 14th, 2004, 9:03 am

----------------
On 3/14/2004 12:40:02 PM icelady wrote:

BearMan,

I like poem number 3 with 'moonlit night'.

It is simple and very sweet.

Good luck!
----------------

Thanks so much Icelady! I think i like poem #2 a bit more but your reply is very appreciated....

Crazy that over 60 views and only a handful of replies....

I would even love a NUMBER ANSWER without any input too.

Posts: 343

ClownFishFunk

Joined: September 18th, 2003, 10:00 am

Shiny Rock

by ClownFishFunk » March 14th, 2004, 9:29 am

I like either number 2 or 3 (with moon lit night in it)

Posts: 982

Buena Girl

Joined: February 25th, 2004, 5:50 pm

Brilliant Rock

by Buena Girl » March 14th, 2004, 11:50 am

I like Poem #2 a lot, but maybe you could rearrange line 3 so that less pauses/lines end with stars or mars.

"Like the sparkles of the stars
On a Moon lit night"

Maybe change it to: "Like the stars twinkling(or sparkling?), On a Moon lit night"

BTW, very romantic idea -> good luck!

*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
"It's all buena"

Posts: 131

BearMan

Joined: February 3rd, 2004, 2:00 pm

Shiny Rock

by BearMan » March 19th, 2004, 7:07 am

Man the time just seems to be going so slow since i recd the ring!! I CANT WAIT

So far I think I am going to use poem #2 as it is written now

Posts: 1809

author

Kamuelamom

Joined: April 17th, 2003, 9:29 pm

Brilliant Rock

by Kamuelamom » March 19th, 2004, 8:50 pm

Bearman, I like #2, but how about a couple of quickie adjustments:

From the Sun to the Moon
and the ocean to the Stars (fits the beach theme)

From Mercury to Venus
and Earth to Mars

Like the sparkles of the sand (again, sounds beachy)
On a Moon lit night

It is you that I will Love
For the rest of my life
SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME?

These are just my suggestions and I see where you are going with this. I think any of them, combined with the ring and the proposal will send her clear into orbit. Good luck and please keep us posted.

Posts: 7

author

Motoman

Joined: March 2nd, 2004, 3:47 pm

Rough Rock

by Motoman » March 24th, 2004, 1:32 am

I'm glad you liked the idea, I wish I could've used it myself, alas the GF already knows the story

As to your other post, I like second version better...

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