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Meaning of Engagement

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lethologica

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This is more of a query than anything - apologies if it''s in the wrong forum but it''s the most appropriate one I could think of...

My boyfriends brother proposed to his fiance on Christmas Day, now this proposal was unplanned, despite being planned to a certain degree. She''d earlier in the year visited South Africa with her mother and bought the diamond (I apologise for knowing very little about diamonds) and on returning to England had designed and had the diamond cut and the ring made. However he only proposed because she was giving rather unsubtle hints that she wasn''t planning on waiting much longer...

On the mention of weddings, he seems rather scared.

Now is it me, or is the engagement merely a promise of commitment and intention to get married?
 

Lord Summerisle

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I''ve always seen a proposal an ''intension to get married''

I was pressured into proposing - and not suprising broke down later on... and is still being used as a stick to beat me with by that ex several years later...

Whereas now... we are planning the proposal as we intend to get married at a date-to-be-organised-in-the-not-too-distant-future rather than this be a commitment to the relationship... i think our joint mortgage, car and bank accounts indicate this more.

Heck its only since meeting me that she considered marrage... before this she was dead against it... and now even toying with taking my name... again something i never thought she would come too... since knowing each other for a good 3 years before we got together.

ok bit of a ramble... point of post contained in first line.
 

onedrop

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I am with "Lord"
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I think engagement is about the "intention of getting married." I''ve always thought that if I accepted a marriage proposal that I would marry him right then and there, and the only delay would be for the purposes of planning or saving for the wedding. But of course the meaning of engagement probably has as many definitions as there are couples.
 

IrishEyes

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Marriage is the intention of LIFELONG (at least hopefully) committment with the intention of marriage. It is something that BOTH parties need to enter into willingly, otherwise the unwilling or unsure person will feel pressured and start to resent the person who they feel "pushed" them into the marriage. Sometimes women, and I''m not trying to bash my own kind here, but sometimes they need to chill out and let it happen naturally. My cousin pushed her now husband into marrying her, even pushed him rapidly into fatherhood. He has alot on his plate now and is still very young, I don''t know exactly how he feels about it, but I don''t think he''s completely happy. It''s a shame your boyfriend''s brother had to "give in"
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JimDiamond

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Someone should only get engaged with a real committment and a plan to marry that person, but it doesn''t mean that you will have no doubts or fears. Also, as we well know not all marriages last a lifetime. Not all engagements end in marriage. The unfortunate thing is that too many engagements that shouldn''t end in marriage do, and then end in divorce some years later. My fiancee and I have been to both counseling and marriage preparation workshops, not because there was some problem, but rather to learn everything we can to prevent one. It has been an incredible experience and if more people did it both before and after marriage there would be far fewer divorces. As a matter of fact, the average couple waits 6 years before seeking help. By then the marriage is well on its way to divorce and may be impossible to save. Anyway, the point is as serious a step as engagement is, it''s worse to get married if one is not ready and the only way to truly tell the difference between normal fears and doubts is talk very openly about them, preferably with additional help and resources. As painful as it is, it''s better to break off an engagement than to marry and divorce.
 

codex57

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I see it as a way to show the world publicly that you two have the intention of getting married in the near future.

It was, umm, "strongly suggested" to me by my now fiance that I needed to propose by a certain date. Like many guys, I was simply cruising along in the relationship (under the "if it's not broke, why fix it?" or "don't rock the boat" attitude). I fully intended to marry her eventually (which she knew), just wasn't being proactive about it. However, since she's a female, she naturally got a LOT more pressure from family/friends/coworkers to get engaged and then married. I guess she couldn't take it anymore (I blame the coworkers) which led to the "deadline."

Wasn't a big deal to me since I was planning to marry her anyways. Prolly a good thing since it got my butt in gear and gave me a concrete reason to save my money.

To me, the best part of the engagement was that now there's a physical object on her ring finger, all the nagging my fiance's been suffering has stopped which has led to a dramatic improvement of her mood lately. Too bad stress from planning the wedding has dampered that improved mood of hers.
 

blue_chica

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I see engagement as simply a step signifying that we intend to marry. It''s a sign to the world, mostly, from my perspective. I guess that''s why I want a traditional e-ring, instead of spending the $$ another way that''s more my style (I''m not into jewelry in general), or spending it on a house. My BF and I are very joined in other ways, so I don''t see it as so much a commitment, anymore than we already have, that will come at the wedding.
 

Momoftwo

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The engagement is a commitment to get married. Why get engaged if you''re not sure you want to marry the person. I agree that you should be engaged when you are ready to get married, at that moment, to the person. The engagement is not a "trial" period to decide. Accepting or declining the ring should be the decision. BTW, I''ve been married almost 24 years (since age 21) and we got engaged with the intention of waiting 1 1/2 years, but circumstances (my fiance being commisioned as an officer in the military and leaving the area) made our engagement more like 6 months. If we both hadn''t been ready when we got engaged, we wouldn''t have been able to get married that quickly. And we''re still happily married. Neither of us had any doubts or nerves about any of it even before we got engaged. I personally have issues with ultimatums. Usually they''re empty threats to get the person to do what you want. That doesnt'' belong in a relationship. That''s called control. Not to mention buying the stone and having it set. Why didnt'' she just go all the way and ask him?
 

JimDiamond

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I agree that you should "feel" that you are ready to marry that person at that moment when you propose or accept a proposal. No one should go into an engagement thinking, hmmm....well maybe I''ll marry him or her...let''s see how it goes, BUT it does force a whole new perspective and a lot can happen in the months or year(s) between proposal and wedding date. As ready as we think we are when we start our engagement, if we do our jobs right we are much more ready when the wedding date arrives. There will be lots of fear and doubt as the time nears (and it comes and goes; it''s not constant). A necessary part of preparing for marriage is facing those fears and doubts individually AND together. The hard part is telling the difference between the level of fear/doubt that everyone feels and fears and doubts that are more serious. For some people those fears are screaming at them to stop, and sometimes they are right. The lucky ones, realize this before they get married; the unlucky ones end up dividing up their property, children and hopes and dreams years later.

Speaking for myself I got engaged 6 months ago and at this point the wedding is only 2 months away. I''ve known my fiancee for 4 years and we officially date for about 1-1/2 of that. I would never have believed that we would learn so much about each other and deepen our connection so much in only the last few months, but we have. I used to think that engagement period was more a formality than anything else or maybe for people who wanted elaborate weddings. I know think differently. It''s an important intermediate stage, to help prepare us for the next stage of marriage.
 

Brittany

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My boyfriend and I were just discussing this. He was of the belief he should be ready to marry me then and there when we got engaged. I honestly believe engagement is stating your intention for marriage but that it is a time to work out the kinks in marital counseling. I have no idea how someone could be magically ready for marriage with one simple "Will you marry me?" For me, it is a process, not an impulse decision. I think a long-term pre-marital counseling program is probably helpful to ensure a lasting commitment. Outside opinions and views are probably helpful to our future marriage. I know some people feel the same as my boyfriend but honestly, I feel it is a process and there is no magic day or age. I am a preparer/researcher type and I want to be sure I am ready and we agree on basic relationship fundamentals as well as our lifestyle after the "Big Day."

I know some of you might disagree but I honestly feel that engagement is a preparation and decision-making time. It''s a time to decide about life, kids, church, money, sex, and all those major topics that would cause marital turmoil down the road.

feedback appreciated,

Brittany
 

codex57

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Britany, I move your view of what engagement means into the pre-engagement or promise ring time period. I see engagement as when both are absolutely ready to say yes, we''re both ready to get married and have already at least touched on most of the major topics. Now that we''re engaged, we have the daunting task of planning for the wedding. My wedding date is set 10 months away. Let''s just say that I''m starting to think that 10 months is far too short a time.
 

onedrop

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Brittany, I hear what you are saying about working out the kinks during the engagement period. But I offer this...even if the kinks you speak of, are worked out, there will undoubtedly be other kinks that arise later on. If you find someone that you feel you can work on the issues with, that may be the test of being ready for marriage.
 

Momoftwo

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Onedrop is right. There will always be new kinks. We''ve been married almost 24 years as I stated above, have raised two children, gone through health issues, money issue, and moves, none of which were "in existence" while we were engaged. There will always be new things to deal with. The ideal is to find the person who you will be able to communicate with and who respects you as well as loves you. Just "being in love" is not enough. That changes and cycles through the years. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage and loving someone is a choice.
 

fire&ice

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Engagement - you are engaged to be married - ready poised & going to happen. Yes, engagement will lead to marriage.
 

lethologica

Rough_Rock
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Jan 17, 2005
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Date: 1/20/2005 5
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2:19 PM
Author: Momoftwo
Not to mention buying the stone and having it set. Why didnt'' she just go all the way and ask him?
I''m sorry I don''t think I was very clear - it was his initiative to buy the stone and set it over here...

Little update - Seems that they are looking at oranising a wedding so it''s not quite as distant as I thought it would be. Making me a little jealous though
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