disliked by future in-laws...

[soyman]

hi all, i really wish I had found this place sooner. I only stumbled upon it after I already bought the ring. and I must say, the tiffany vs others threads are very amusing. I''m one of the copouts that opted for convenience rather than research when getting it. anyways, to bring things back to the topic at hand...

my dreamgirl happens to have been raised by two individuals that despise me. her mother doesn''t like me because of my past (I broke off an engagement with another woman 3 years ago). the father doesn''t like me because I''m not a doctor or a lawyer (old fashioned asian type kinda guy). i knew all this from the very beginning when we started dating 2 years ago. at first I tried my best to appeal to them and change their minds about me, but I''ve given up. I''m 110% their daughter is the one for me and she feels the same. she pretty much knows I''ll be asking soon too. the problem is, she''s very close with her family (talks on the phone at least 4 times a week with the brothers or parents). and she has mentioned in that past that I should talk to her folks first, tho she understands why I''m unwilling.

so my question is this - Is it wrong for me to skip the talk with her parents in a case like this? I''m already sure nothing good will come out of talking to either of them. But then again, I''m already in a hole with them, is it dumb of me to keep on digging? I honestly care about her and want to make her happy, but I''ve stopped caring a long time ago about her parents. We''re in our late 20''s so i can''t really play the "i''m too old to ask" card.

what to do?

 

[Fiancee to be]

If I thought there was a chance my girlfriend's parents would say no I just wouldn't approach them with it. It's tough for you though because she is so close to her family. Could you ask her brother(s) for their blessing? Or perhaps just sit her parents down and let them know that you are going to ask, without actually saying that you are asking for their blessing? Either way that's a tough situation, good luck.

 

[soyman]

thanks for the advice. I''ve thought about sitting down with them to just give them a heads-up of sorts, but I keep getting this mental picture of her father standing straight up and stomping away leaving me and her mom there in an awkward silence. I dunno, maybe I''m just making things worse in my head but I really doubt it.

I don''t think the two older brothers really have any opinion of me (which is good I guess, considering the alternatives). I''m definitely much more comfortable speaking with them but I''m not sure if that gesture would mean much of anything to my gf. she may even feel a little offended since she''s so strong willed (no one oversees her but her parents kinda thing).

has anyone else ever opted to have "the talk" with another family member rather than the parents?

 

[Hest88]

IMO, it always helps to keep the moral high ground when it comes to these situations. If she''s close enough to her family to talk to them a couple of times a week she''s not going to flit off with you into the sunset and be okay with it down the line no matter how wrong she feels they are.

My mom threw a fit when I told her I planned on marrying my now DH, but he still put on a suit and went down to talk to my parents. I think that sign of respect--and showing them that he cared about their opinion as the parents of the woman they loved--helped bring them around.

I have another GF whose dad walked out of the room when her now DH asked for permission, but again they ended up coming around when he showed them he was sincere and trustworthy.

Have you thought about soliciting input from her brothers as to the best way to approach her parents? Perhaps they can first pave the way for you?

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 3/25/2005 3:20:35 PM
Author: Hest88
IMO, it always helps to keep the moral high ground when it comes to these situations. If she's close enough to her family to talk to them a couple of times a week she's not going to flit off with you into the sunset and be okay with it down the line no matter how wrong she feels they are.

My mom threw a fit when I told her I planned on marrying my now DH, but he still put on a suit and went down to talk to my parents. I think that sign of respect--and showing them that he cared about their opinion as the parents of the woman they loved--helped bring them around.

I have another GF whose dad walked out of the room when her now DH asked for permission, but again they ended up coming around when he showed them he was sincere and trustworthy.

Have you thought about soliciting input from her brothers as to the best way to approach her parents? Perhaps they can first pave the way for you?

Ditto everything Hest88 said.

She wants you to. It is a sign of respect. It's just a conflict you will have to deal with and will show maturity, respect and commitment that you are able to confront them. (though not in a confrontational manner - just giving them a heads up and hope that you can be welcome). So, he walks out. Let him. Talk to the mother and politely excuse yourself.

 

[onedrop]

At first I was going to say skip the talk. You are in fact marrying your GF and not the parents. And you are both consenting adults and don''t need someone''s permission to marry....

But then I re-read your post and I saw that your GF wants you to go to her folks before propsing. Since she specifically requested it, I now say, ask them first. It will probably be uncomfortable for you given their obvious opposition to you, but you have to do what you have do. You love your GF, she wants you to ask her parents. It will be a half-hour to an hour out of your life to make your GF happy.


Best Wishes!!!

 

[bopitaddict]

Date: 3/25/2005 3:20:35 PM
Author: Hest88

Have you thought about soliciting input from her brothers as to the best way to approach her parents? Perhaps they can first pave the way for you?

I'm assuming your GF is also asian... I do think you will need to talk to her parents as a sign of respect. Asian parents are usually old fashioned about that kind of stuff... and I'm sure ultimately, they'll appreciate the gesture... one step at a time, right? As for how, I'd try her brothers for any input they might have in how to approach them. One way of approaching them is if you speak the dialect or know someone who does, then maybe try and ask them that way? Ultimately, you know you love her and she knows she loves you... sooner or later hopefully, her parents will see the reasons she loves you even if they're apprehensive about you right now...

If your GF isn't asian, then disregard this post.

 

[aljdewey]

It doesn''t matter what nationality anyone is here.....that''s a moot question as far as I''m concerned.

Her parents aren''t your biggest fans right now. If announcing your intentions to them is important to them and to your GF, then I think failing to do so will give them one more thing to add to the list of dislikes.

You cannot control the reaction you''ll get, but you can control *your* behavior going in. I think the best thing you can do is approach them and ask for their "blessing" (which is not asking for their permission - small semantic difference but huge nonetheless). You may even say "I know we haven''t always seen eye to eye, but one thing we all share in common is a love for your daughter. I love your daughter very deeply, and I assure you that I intend to cherish her and treat her with the utmost respect."

If one or both storm out of the room, nothing you can do. At least you will have done the right thing, and that''s all you can do....what''s in YOUR control.

Family relations with in-laws can be delicate sometimes. No time like the present to begin refining the skills you''ll need over the years if you marry this woman.

 

[sparklish]

I think given the fact that she has asked, it would be right to do so, and as other posters have said, might be the first step in building a relationship. If not, at least you''ll know you''ve tried and it won''t be something that they can hold against you later.

 

[Kaleigh]

I agree go ahead and ask, at least you are taking the high road and maybe you will be pleasantly suprised??

 

[Dancing Fire]

soyman
i'm chinese,when we got marry i didn't ask her parents (old fashion chinese) for permission,i already knew what teh answer was plus i don't like looking down the barrels of a double barrel shotgun

so my gf told her parents we're getting marry and her parents say "why him"

you're a pretty girl,they keep on asking her "why him" he's got no job,no education,smokes,gambles,drinks,you have no future together if you married him,well ..that was 19 yrs ago.so..i know teh old fashion chinese thing,they all want their daughters to marry a rocket scientist so they can brag to their friends.

 

[Iceman]

Do it. Ask her parents , how many times in your life can you experance the feeling of being scared $hitless! You should , you will have to face the music one of these days.

I use to be the biggest loser in highschool and Im sure the girl I use to date parents thought the same. I would like to go see them some time and showed them what I aspired to

My parents didnt like my wife and we have been married 25 years. I got the best marrage going out of the family.

Let us know what happens it will make a good story

 

[babblingal]

I think the discussion should occur as it iis clearly important to your future spouse. What I do wonder is what you will be asking? Their permission to marry their daughter or are you asking for their support of the marriage(i.e. their blessing). I think, given that they don''t like you at this point, the latter would make more sense and if they choose not to give it, then you would have the opputunity to express your hope that you all can reach an understanding that the marriage will happen and if they can put their feelings aside about you, and concentrate on making their daughter a happy woman, (just like you hope to do.) then the wedding and subsequent marriage will not be negatively affected as much. Maybe. Hard to predict the future. Just as Hest reported, maybe you''ll be able to demonstrate your devotion to their daughter and win those parents over!

 

[blueroses]

I concur--make it about blessing/support, and not permission. It''s enough of the gesture for you to be the bigger person and go to them without setting yourself up for them to shut you down--don''t give them that opportunity. That way you are still taking the high road, honoring your gf''s wishes, but not completely putting yourself at their mercy.

GOOD LUCK!!!

 

[soyman]

Thanks a bunch for all the tips guys and gals! I think I may go with the flow here and set 30 mins out of my life for this talk. To fill in some details, both her and I are chinese. She has an MBA and I only have a BS, so that automatically makes me trash in her parents'' eyes (even though my salary is 25% more than hers). I''m not terrified of speaking with them, it''s just that I honestly don''t care to. I have multiple reasons for disliking them, but the primary one is their hypocrisy. They push their kids into grad schools and think lesser of anyone else that doesn''t go. Here''s the irony - both the parents have masters degrees but are working jobs that a highschool grad could easily get and their combined income right now is about 40K. They blame their lack of English skills and their old age (mide 50s) on their situation. This is all bullocks as far as I''m concerned. I have colleagues here in the office much older and more lacking in language skills, yet they still manage to have professional careers. My school of thought is this, if you want something bad enough and am willing to work hard enough, anything is possible.

If she''s close enough to her family to talk to them a couple of times a week she''s not going to flit off with you into the sunset and be okay with it down the line no matter how wrong she feels they are.

This is one area that has been keeping me up late some nites. I don''t comment on her family or anything, I simply just avoid the topic altogether. It''s obvious to me that I won''t ever be buddy buddy with her folks, but she still keeps thinking there''s a ray of hope. The two of us are great together, but factor in her family and it all goes to hell. I think 90% of our arguments are all instigated in some form or another by issues relating to her parents. I think that if her parents were to blow up the entire city, she would still find some reason to defent their actions. *sigh* Maybe I have other things to consider besides simply the talk with the folks.

thanks again for all the feedback, much appreciated.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 3/28/2005 8

2:46 AM
Author: soyman

This is one area that has been keeping me up late some nites. I don't comment on her family or anything, I simply just avoid the topic altogether. It's obvious to me that I won't ever be buddy buddy with her folks, but she still keeps thinking there's a ray of hope. The two of us are great together, but factor in her family and it all goes to hell. I think 90% of our arguments are all instigated in some form or another by issues relating to her parents. I think that if her parents were to blow up the entire city, she would still find some reason to defent their actions. *sigh* Maybe I have other things to consider besides simply the talk with the folks.

thanks again for all the feedback, much appreciated.

I would say that 90% of our arguments were about HIS family - so I can relate. We peacefully co-exist at this point. I have no relationship with my mother-in-law or his crazy (his own words) sister. I was a favorite of his Grandmother's so that helped. That said, I kept an open mind knowing that his mother did give birth to him & it was his mother. However, my hubby (then fiance) laid down the gauntlet that I was going to be HIS PRIORITY in life.

I think you are closing the door before trying to open it. No, perhaps you won't be buddy buddy. BUT, it is clear your to be wants you to have some sort of relationship. Be it only civil. And, it is most natural to think that NO ONE will be suitable for their little girl. It's just all in degree. Have confidence in yourself. If you feel you are worthy, then maybe a little osmosis will rub off on the parents.

You aren't marrying the parents; but, an improved relationship will make your life MUCH easier.

Good luck. I wouldn't just block off some time. Once there, I'd go with the flow.

 

[codex57]

I can relate too. Most of our arguments usually relate to stuff from my family. Ok, mainly it''s my mom. However, I have a pretty poor relationship w/ my mom too which is better than your situation cuz I''m not opposed to moving far away from my family.

Still, like Hest88 said, I''d try and talk to the brothers and get their input on how to approach the parents.

And her parents are the hypocritical Chinese. Yes, our culture values graduate degrees and higher education, but that''s because hard work is a given in the equation. Chinese value education so much b/c hard work, guile, and determination with education can go farther more often than just hard work, guile, and determination alone. Her parents grew up fairly spoiled didn''t they?

 

[Shay]

Looking at it from a tactical point of view you must tell her parents what you will be doing and ask their blessing. This shows your lady love that you respect her family and her wishes enough to do this very hard thing for her. It also shows her parents you respect them. If her parents blow up and cause a scene then THEY are the bad guys in her eyes, and not you.

Not asking them does the following damage:

1) Shows your lady love that you did not listen to her specific request even though you know it''s important to her.
2) Are scared/ disrespectful of her parents (neither are positive)
3) Shows the above 2 things to her parents which gives them power over the relationship and you.
4) Will give them a leg to stand on when they complain about you to her. It gives them more grounds to dislike you.

I am not saying be subserviant to them, but it IS important to your future wife and so it should be important to you too. You''ll be asking regardless of their reaction but why not attempt to make peace witrh this gesture anyway?

Be the better person.

Good Luck!

 

[dixxin]

I understand the problem one can have with future in-laws. My future mother inlaw is a really difficult person and seem to be always finding fault with me... nonetheless being Asian it is only proper for me to ask for their blessing. It shows respect for my fiance''s wishes and respect to her family. What I did was to work up the food chain, starting first with the siblings getting their ok first then approaching the parents for their blessing. If necessary you may want to invite the siblings along for a dinner where you can bring this up with the parents.

You have to understand this, the parents may not have anything against you personally but they love their daughter and it is only natural for them to want her to be with a "better person". They may not have much themself but they want more for their children. Try to see it from their position and work with what their perception is. My future bro-in law is really scorned upon by the family but they accepted him eventually when they accept that he is here to stay and can see that he is putting in the effort to please the family.

Anyway I wish you luck and do keep us posted..

 

[snow_happy]

Hi!

Am I too late to chime in on the situation? I just went through something similar with my now-fiancee. He made an appointment to meet with both my mother and father for lunch during the week to "discuss his relationship with your daughter". I was so scared for him. I felt like I was feeding him to the lions but he knew it was important to me for him to ask. My parents haven''t been the biggest supporters of our relationship (my dad especially).

More than asking for their blessing, my FI just wanted to talk to them about the whole situation. Then he politely smiled and nodded to any kind of wacky conspiracy theory my dad threw at him. I know the things my parents said weren''t all positive but I also know that it was important for them to get their opinions and concerns heard (and partially answered I hope). What I''m saying is that I''m sure my parents feel better after getting everything off their chest and giving us ample warning of possible doom our relationship could crumble under (knowledge they have amassed from their years of wisdom as an unhappy couple I''m sure). In all, everything that was said was only out of love for me and concern for my happiness. Parents (especially asian ones) want to exercise some sort of control in their children''s lives, no matter what the age.

So even though you may not have a graduate degree, you can prove that you are a good person, a caring listener, and truly love their daughter. I''m sure they just want the best for their "little girl" and by being a great husband you can prove that to them.

Good luck!

 

[Judi W]

I am also a bit late on this thread....BUT.....coming from the other prospective (a parent of a grown and still un-married daughter) I can tell you that they will change their mind about you when they see their daughter is happy and treated well. I think the first step towards building a good relationship with them would be to do as your girlfriend wishes and talk to them about your intentions of marrying thier daughter. It is the right thing to do, esspecially when SHE wants you to. Bottom line for parents.....be good to thier child and respectful to them and they will grow to love you in time.