Did you let her choose her ring?

[stbfyffe]

Question for you guys...my soon to be feels that by me choosing my own ring it will ruin the surprise of the proposal...I don''t think it will becuase I still have no clue as to when or how it will happen nor will I know what the finished poduct looks like because we have the setting but are looking for a loose stone.

For those of you who let your soon to be pick out her ring...do feel that the proposal is now less of a surprise or romantic because she know what type of ring she is getting?

I would really like to hear from all the guys out there...those who let their soon to be choose and those who did not.

Thanks, STBFYFFE

 

[rmkwebdesign]

I''m in the minority, I think, on this board when it comes to this topic. Most of the women on this board, that I''ve read anyway, take the "I''m going to wear it, so I want to pick it out" perspective.

Personally, I want my wife to like the ring she''s wearing, and I put some effort into discovering what my gf''s tastes in jewelry were. But frankly, the e-ring is a gift. From me, to her. There are some folks out there that "buy their gifts," i.e. at Christmas time, wife tells husband what she wants for a gift and he buys it. That''s not how I was raised. People showed their interest in you when they inquired about your likes and dislikes, but you just didn''t have the chutzpah to demand a gift or to buy it yourself. I don''t know, maybe I''m just traditionalist. I want my wife to like the ring, but I also want her to see it as a gift. Just as the wedding ring from her to me will be her gift.

So, long story made short is: I paid attention to my gf''s preference in jewelry, asked her sister a few questions about her likes and dislikes, and bought the ring. It will be a complete surprise to my gf. And I think she''ll love it.

 

[Rabe2000]

Thank you rmkwebdesign please visit this page and help me here.

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/did-you-have-a-say-in-your-ring.69385/

stbfyffe - LOL You have started some great topics.

 

[rmkwebdesign]

Date: 9/21/2007 1:34:48 PM
Author: Rabe2000
Thank you rmkwebdesign please visit this page and help me here.

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/did-you-have-a-say-in-your-ring.69385/

stbfyffe - LOL You have started some great topics.

Help you how??

 

[gt6974a]

Well, I guess it depends.... we''ve been together for 6 years and plan on getting married next year. That being said we started looking earlier this summer at local shops.

She want''s an asscher, I wouldn''t have picked that out myself b/c up until recently I have cared less about diamonds. I dont wear jewelry, and even after the marriage I''ll probably not wear my wedding ring. I just don''t like it.

The general concensus for the people I''ve known has been Princess. She wanted something different so I would have screwed that.

As far as the ring, I probably could have got that one, but only b/c I like it and coincidently she does as well. 3-stone bagget style. She picked out 3 desinger rings(A Jaffe, Natalie K, S.E.S) she likes and they are all outrageously expensive. I would have figured she wanted platinum but turns out white gold is fine with her, I''ll save a little money there.

I''m planning on getting a ring similar to those styles, but hopefully cheaper.

But she doesn''t know when I''m going to buy it, or when I''m going to propose, but I''m guessing when the time comes she''ll be able to figure it out fairly quickly.

 

[sera]

I''m gonna chime in from your side of this... my FF is letting me choose my ring (I have already chosen the diamond). At first he had some reservations about it, but we talked about it- both of us sharing how we felt. We came to the conclusion that I would pick it out for a few reasons...

(1) He knows he doesn''t know much about diamonds other than what he knows he likes by what he sees... now I must mention he is a bit color blind so that wouldn''t work as I like purely white or purely yellow (or pink or blue...) and not something in between. He does not notice the inclusions I do unless they are pointed out while magnified first. He did a decent job picking my promise ring and a diamond pendant- they were "mall stones" but decent ones. However, I do not want a "decent" e-ring... I want excellent cut, excellent craftmanship and not something you see 10 times a day.

(2) He knew I would have fun picking it out. Besides, I''m very picky. He knows it. I know it. I am very much into all the tiny details that he wouldn''t even know to think about. There are many, many beautiful rings out there, but they may not be The One for me. I''m thrilled to be able to choose exactly what I want!!!

Will picking it out ruin the surprise for me? No. I don''t want to be surprised by a design that is not "me." Like you, I will still be surprised and it will be romantic- I don''t get the ring until he proposes and I don''t know how he is going to propose... that is enough surprise factor for me I am very excited and looking forward to that day when he puts that ring on my finger and asks me to marry him... nothing about me being involved in the picking of the ring ruins it for me... and him knowing me well enough to know he should let me pick it out, that''s awesome.

But, that''s us. Some guys know their ff''s do not want to pick anything about it out and some may want to give some general guidelines. It''s important for couples talk about what they want and don''t want. The ring stuff is fun, but it''s the love that truly matters.

 

[imhelping]

Well I tried to learn what my girlfriend''s likes/dislikes were, and she would hint at rings she saw that she liked. I researched the heck out of diamonds and jewelry designers and now I''m having a ring custom made around the perfect diamond. It''s been fun learning about everything and I''m confident she''ll love this ring. Plus hopefully she''ll see how much time and effort I have put into making this ring perfect. But either way, she ends up with a ring and a fiance (hopefully).

 

[rmkwebdesign]

Date: 9/22/2007 7:07:29 PM
Author: imhelping
...I researched the heck out of diamonds and jewelry designers...

^^ Exactly!

''ve read a lot about guys who "don''t know anything about diamonds" and use that as the excuse to let their gf do the research. That stinks!

I didn''t know a thing about diamonds before about 3 months ago. And it was scary! But I started researching and reading, visitng, and asking questions, etc. It was a lot of work to do that researc, but I''m glad I did, because I feel like I made a strong purchase based on solid, informed research.

 

[somethingshiny]

My husband picked my original, I chose my stone and setting for my anniversary ring. Although I do agree with the "I''m the one wearing it" idea, I think there''s something SOO romantic about a man doing it all himself. I will put a disclaimer on that statement, though. I DO think the man should do all the research he can both in the diamond market, and his GFs jewelry taste. Sounds like you''ve done both, so Good Luck!

 

[Gypsy]

He knew what I wanted. And I did the research on specs and color and clarity. Found him jewelers I trusted, told him that they can get stones in on memo. And set him loose. I got a stunning asscher in a temp setting (so that I could pick the setting myself later). I think that as long as you do the research yourself, in terms of what size, color, clarity and specs you want on a diamond, as well as shape and cut quality. And arm him with that knowledge, as well as any vendor preferences you have. Then give him a few setting suggestions. You should be fine letting him go out and pick the final product.


But I would do the legwork myself. And just give me guidelines like the the following, for example:

Largest AS0 round your the budget, lowest color "1", completely eyeclean (otherwise don''t care about clarity). Please use Cut Advisor (under 2) and PSers to help you pick out a good one.

As for setting ideas. Depending on budget I would love a three stone with pears, by Leon Mage.

Or a ritani endless love solitare.

Or a Vatche ''antique'' halo setting.

I also love the Harmony set by WF that Lynn B has.

And of those would be lovely.

I love you dear, have fun shopping.

That''s the type of input I''d give.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

I am a male- I would not have been bothered at all if my fiance had helped out. However, I came up with a list of things that would have really hurt or even ruined the experience for me. If you can keep from doing these things then it would, at the very least, have left me satisifed. So tell me what you think, but these would be my personal conditions to the GF helping me pick out her Ering, and if she had not violated these rules I believe I would have been a happy camper even with her assistance:

1) If I felt like it had become a chore

2) If I felt that SHE felt "I deserve this" rather than "he is giving me this"

3) If shopping stopped feeling romantic for me

4) If I felt that I had been removed from the process and it had all just become about HER and her ACCESSORY

5) If she removed ALL doubt from her own mind of what I was getting her:

you can make it obvious, but leave some OBVIOUS failures so that he can at least pretend that you have some doubt, and so that you might have just that slight bit of fear in the back of your mind

even though you know he isn't THAT stupid, but you won't be 100% sure until you see it. OR where your #1 choice is your cheapest option and he knows it, your number 2-5 are WAY more expensive and if you get it you will faint in surprise, but you really picked number 1. That way he can either get you something you really wanted, or something nice, and you cant be SURE which, and he has the option of surprising you AND making you happy if he works a little harder. something like that to allow that slight uncertainty to the deal, even while its obvious you know.

6) If doing it together removed the meaning of the proposal:

That may well differ per person: for me her wearing the Ering servs the role of being a physical manifestation of THE DAY where I made the commitment to move to the final level of my relationship with her, and she made the final commitment to move to the final level of her relationship with me. That is where I see the situation getting the most complicated. If you shop for the ring and agree that in the future he is going to propose to you, then he has already made the committment to do it, he you have both already agreed to become married, and that means that the proposal has already taken place. If you have both agreed to get married already, then what are you planning for? which leads to number 7.


7) If we were engaged before I proposed:

Until he proposes, you are his gf. That means he can break up with you at any time he wants, and he has not broken any true commitments. Gfs and Bfs break up everyday and it is often very sad, but fiances breaking up is a much more serious occasion in my mind as at that point they have gone from agreeing they want to spend there whole lives together, to deciding they don't want to even date. Until the engagement beings he is your boyfriend, spending time with you and deciding if he wants you to be his wife. Then, he decides, he waits, and he PROPOSES the idea to you, that you should PREPARE to get married, a true commitment. At that point, the proposal is done. So if your helping with the Ering should mean that you are engaged before he proposes, I suggest you express to him that the ring, to you, is independent of the Engagment. Describe it however you like, but if you wish to be engaged before he proposes I would recommend asking him to propose without a ring, whenever he decides to do it. It is him asking your hand in marriage that is MOST important, explain that to him, and maybe he will understand and you can get the ring after the official proposal. But if my gf helping me pick out her Ering meant being engaged before proposing, it would really ruin the whole experience for me--and I say the guy is 50% of the proposal.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/1/2007 2:59:58 AM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
...

2) If I felt that SHE felt 'I deserve this' rather than 'he is giving me this'

3) If shopping stopped feeling romantic for me

4) If I felt that I had been removed from the process and it had all just become about HER and her ACCESSORY

#2: This is a personality issue that should come to light FAR before any ring shopping begins. If it hasn't come up before, the couple is absolutely not ready for marriage.

#3: Does including her in the process of choosing her own ring (that SHE will be wearing, hopefully, for the rest of HER life) mean removing the romance? Ring-shopping was one of the most romantic processes I've ever experienced, because my FI made no secret that all he wanted was to find something that would make me happy to stare at any day for the rest of my life. I believe it was representative of his outlook on our marriage: he wanted equal involvement but gave the final say to me because, after all, whatever goes on my finger is inherently more important to me than to him. I give him the same power over the decision in reversed situations.

He was honest in his opinion of anything I looked at, but at the same time gave me full veto power over his own opinions since, after all, it is my ring. That made me want to pick out something that he liked. If he had been pushy about talking me into/out of certain design elements, it would have turned me off to the whole experience. After all, if he wants to dictate this small element of our marriage, what other BIGGER elements will he want to dictate?

#4: I think many of the men who find their way onto PS, for some reason, really like to take everything that's important to women and twist it into the most negative possible connotation.

The ring is NOT about you or what you want. Your wedding ring can be completely your own choice. I always have to ask men with this outlook: do you really want to be the one dictating the appearance of her ring? Even if that means she won't love it as much as if she'd been able to choose it?

I've used this analogy a million times on here: if she wanted to purchase a car for you, would you want a say in what make/model/color she chose? Most women would want to figure out what their significant other really wanted, and get him exactly what he wants. However, just like there are some men who want the ring to be what they like... what if she wanted to like the car, and that was more important than getting what you liked? So she buys a custom-painted lavendar mini-cooper. Great car for ANY guy, right? I mean, SHE loves it, so he should too... right??

These threads saying "my girlfriend likes pave halo rings with pear centers, but I think it looks gaudy. Help me choose a RB solitaire with a plain band." REALLY bother me, for the above reason. If a girl showed up on a car lovers' forum saying "My boyfriend likes red Chevy trucks, but I think they're obnoxious. Help me choose a Volkswagen beetle for him." it would be the same exact thing--and man, should SHE get flamed!

HE is the one driving the car. Get him the truck, if the truck is what he wants.

SHE is the one wearing the ring. Get her the pear with a pave halo, if that's what she wants. Saying that giving her a say in the appearance of her own ring takes the "romance" out of it and makes her appear "selfish" or as though she doesn't understand the "meaning" of it...?? REALLY???

7) If we were engaged before I proposed:

Until he proposes, you are his gf. That means he can break up with you at any time he wants, and he has not broken any true commitments.

WOW. Here's the thing: I get what you're trying to say, but that was a VERY unfortunate choice of phrasing.

A marriage is a joint venture. Both parties have equal rights as far as the decision to marry.

For some couples (and I suspect you fall into this category), the man gets a nearly indefinite period of time to make this decision. The woman, if she hasn't put serious thought into the subject before HIS proposal (which she may well not have if it isn't a jointly discussed decision) gets however much time she is allowed between "Will you marry me?" -and- "...Well?? Will you?"

For the rest of us 21st-century couples, marriage (and therefore, engagement) is a jointly discussed process. Both parties get the opportunity to talk about all future plans, and neither gender gets veto power. In this scenario, the woman is not at the man's mercy as far as the when/how/where of the relationship.

If a couple has already crossed the line of "Yes, we do want to marry each other one day" and begun planning/discussing their marriage, that IS a commitment, and I really can't fathom the idea that any number of moments/days/weeks pre-proposal, there is no "commitment" to each other beyond dating. It is absolutely not comparable to a boyfriend/girlfriend breaking up.


WHFSR, you are kind of famously misunderstood as being selfish in your posts here (at least, you always write that others' posts are misunderstandings of your words), so I'm really hoping that that's what's going on here. But more and more I am concerned about your outlook on the engagement/marriage process, mostly because you seem so "stuck" on the negative aspects of it even long AFTER you've completed the ring search/purchase/proposal.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/1/2007 2:59:58 AM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
I came up with a list of things that would have really hurt or even ruined the experience for me. But if my gf helping me pick out her Ering meant being engaged before proposing, it would really ruin the whole experience for me--and I say the guy is 50% of the proposal.

WHFSR -- wow. For someone who is already engaged you really seem stuck on how many ways it could have been "ruined" for you. Will the birth of your first child be "ruined" if you''re out of town? Will your wedding be "ruined" if the minister forgets your names? You can''t control every little thing about a situation & CATASTROPHIZING things that way ... "RUINED" is going to ensure that the way you tell the story of your life is always NEGATIVE. Anything less than PERFECT is AWFUL. I sincerely hope you overcome that all-or-nothing, black&white thinking.

All your other points -- it''s futile to debate them. You have a very traditional belief system about proposals & engagements etc ... &, as evidenced in seemingly COUNTLESS THREADS, are not willing or perhaps able to see beyond it.

 

[kev1234]

#4: I think many of the men who find their way onto PS, for some reason, really like to take everything that''s important to women and twist it into the most negative possible connotation.

The ring is NOT about you or what you want. Your wedding ring can be completely your own choice. I always have to ask men with this outlook: do you really want to be the one dictating the appearance of her ring? Even if that means she won''t love it as much as if she''d been able to choose it?

I''ve used this analogy a million times on here: if she wanted to purchase a car for you, would you want a say in what make/model/color she chose? Most women would want to figure out what their significant other really wanted, and get him exactly what he wants. However, just like there are some men who want the ring to be what they like... what if she wanted to like the car, and that was more important than getting what you liked? So she buys a custom-painted lavendar mini-cooper. Great car for ANY guy, right? I mean, SHE loves it, so he should too... right??

I have to disagree with you here. The ring is SUPPOSED to be a symbol of our commitment to the relationship. Although you ladies will be the ones wearing the ring, it does say something about the man who gave it to you.
Comparing an engagement ring to a new car only cheapens the meaning of the whole experience. So, in my opinion, bad analogy. However, had my fiance spent time and energy researching my likes/dislikes and found the perfect car for me WITHOUT my help, I would enjoy that car much more than if she had written me a blank check and told me to go get whatever I wanted.

 

[musey]

Kev, you're missing the point. A ring is a symbol of the relationship and your commitment to each other, yes? For most people, anyway. So why would it EVER be simply about the guy and what he wants? That would symbolize that the relationship is only about the guy and what he wants.

What woman would want to enter into a relationship in which she is not an equal partner?

The car analogy is to illustrate the fact that that some women wouldn't spend that time and energy picking out the "perfect" car for their guy... just like some men wouldn't spend the time and energy picking out the "perfect" ring for their girlfriend. They'd just go and pick what they like.

However, the car isn't a perfect analogy, because there are far fewer women who would impose their own tastes on their boyfriend than there are men who would impose their tastes on their girlfriend

In fact, just recently there has been a rash of posts by guys who want to buy their girlfriend X even though she prefers Y, because he thinks Y is tacky/outdated/trendy/garish/etc. If he hates Y, fine. But AT LEAST give her the opportunity to find some sort of compromise, instead of giving her something that she doesn't even like.

The fact that a car holds less meaning than an engagement ring isn't exactly a reason to toss the entire analogy

It's about the amount invested in it, and who will be driving (wearing) it. And I don't really get what the "blank check" thing was in reference to...


If the ring says something about the guy who gave it to her, like you said... wanna know what my ring says about my guy? That he knows its appearance was more important to me than to him, and wanted to involve me in the process of our first major purchase together, instead of forcing his own tastes on me. In the end it didn't matter, because we ended up preferring all same design elements. I would happily have accepted an onion ring, but since he gave me the option of participating, I wasn't going to turn it down on some ridiculously outdated idea of the man needing to be in "control."

 

[musey]

Just wanted to add that it''s starting to look like this ring/engagement process is awfully representative of the type of relationship, generally.

The women on here who strongly advocate giving the girlfriend a chance to participate in choosing her own ring, are also the women who make no secret of how down-to-earth and equal their relationship is. i.e. "We decided to get engaged".

The men who can''t understand why a woman "should" have a say are the ones who also advocate the more traditional "I wear the pants" relationship model. i.e. "I decided to propose to her"... where he may not have actually known what answer he''d get [] (Not that that necessarily applies to Kev here, since he''s only posted 9 times and I wouldn''t presume to know anything about him with that post count.)


All I can say is, I''m glad to be in that first group

 

[kev1234]

Date: 10/1/2007 8:06:11 PM
Author: musey
Just wanted to add that it''s starting to look like this ring/engagement process is awfully representative of the type of relationship, generally.

The women on here who strongly advocate giving the girlfriend a chance to participate in choosing her own ring, are also the women who make no secret of how down-to-earth and equal their relationship is. i.e. ''We decided to get engaged''.

The men who can''t understand why a woman ''should'' have a say are the ones who also advocate the more traditional ''I wear the pants'' relationship model. i.e. ''I decided to propose to her''... where he may not have actually known what answer he''d get [] (Not that that necessarily applies to Kev here, since he''s only posted 9 times and I wouldn''t presume to know anything about him with that post count.)


All I can say is, I''m glad to be in that first group

I don''t spend all my free time on this website. So far I''ve only used it as a resource, but I had to put my two cents in this debate. But just to let you know, I''ve already talked with my gf about getting married, and she wanted me to pick out a ring for her. I totally agree that it''s a good idea to know the answer you''ll get before you propose. If you don''t know what she''ll answer, you''re probably not ready to get married.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/1/2007 9:26:11 PM
Author: kev1234

I don''t spend all my free time on this website. So far I''ve only used it as a resource

I doubt anyone does! My point was only that I wouldn''t make any presumption about the kind of person you are, or the kind of relationship you have, when you have posted here so few times. Many people have been here 6 months or 6 years, and I''d feel more safe having to make assumptions about them after seeing them post quite a bit.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

well, I just wanted to say first that I don't dwell on how things could have been ruined. I am pretty laid back and relaxed and generally roll with the punches quite well. However, this thread was about the woman helping pick out the ring, so I took a moment and thought about a few key pointers that, if he is anything like myself, she would do well to avoid as they could have a negative impact on the experience for him. Some of them more so than others.

and also, yes, it is about her and her ring. But it is also a symbol of your union.

Now, she can push for something she enjoys while still treating him with love and respecting him, but it is key to respect him just as much as he should respect you. For sure it is the guys job to recognize that, in the end, it is a ring, and that SHE will be wearing it not him. Thus, he should allow her desires to trump his own.

It is not, however, the fiance's job to cast him aside and only take care of herself and what she wants just as he should not do that to her. It is a ring symbolizing the love and union of two people, and as such the two people should both be happy with the purchase. But as I said, in this case he should be happy if it makes her happy as it will be her ring. but that is his part to play, not hers.



and while you seem to be suggesting that my relationship is not "up-to-date" with 21century standards, you are a bit off. Because she lives so far from me she sat me down a good year and half ago and talked to me about where we were headed. She said that if I wasn't heading towards marriage then she didn't see any reason to keep our long distance relationship. we had talked about it NUMEROUS times, and I knew that she was ready for to begin preparing for that final stage before I proposed. If I thought she was not ready, then I would have just talked to her about where she was heading, and then waited until I felt she was ready.

but there is something to say about making a verbal agreement that you will get married, and that you have both given your verbal commitment that you will do it.

ANALOGY:

Imagine talking to someone who makes custom rings. You browse his merchandise, see what he is capable of, tell him you might be interested in having soething custom made. You give him a few vague ideas of what you might be interested in sometime in the next year or two. He gives you some idea of if he might be able to handle it and welcomes you to keep coming back.

That would be like when you first start dating. Just feeling each other out.

Then later, you might sit down with him, and draw up ideas of rings you like. You might not have finalized all the details, and you may yet be considering if he is really good enough to handle the job, doing research, etc etc, and while you might every now and then head out to a store and say hi to somebody and look over their work, you aren't talkikng to them about doing custom work with them, and admit that you have somebody else who is probably going to do it for you. at this point your jeweler might tell you he can almost certainly do it and give you some ballpark figures, but nothing final yet.


This would be the more serious part of the relationship. You are very dedicated, and you are talking about the future. In a few years you are hoping to get married to one another, talking about kids, where to live, etc etc. During that time you might say hi to some girl/guy at a bar or at a party, but you aren't dating anyone else and you tell them you have a boyfriend, you are just meeting people, and waiting so your relationship can grow.


Then one day you really decide exactly what you want on your ring and you decide that he is def good enough to get the job done. So you head in, and you give him your final plans. Things might change, some details may alter along the way, but this is what you want, and you want to know if he is up for it and how much it is going to cost you. He tells you he is willing to make it, and he can handle the job. But he needs to work out the price, make sure he has some open space or time, or whatever preparations he needs to make to figure out exactly what it will cost, and to be ready to fully commit. at this point both of the parties are totally free to walk out if they need to--while still having spent time and energy on each other, and making an inconvenience--both are free to do that without really violating any true promises to the jeweler.


This would be where things have gotten really serious. Like the sit down my fiance had with me. We talked about it, and I agreed that I truly loved her, and I want to get married with her. But I still had some things to work out, and I felt our relationship needed to grow a little more before we began being fully committed to the next level. At this point we are very committed, I know what she wants, she knows what I want, and we are both headed to the same place in a short period of time. We just both needed to do a little more preparation and have a little more time contemplating on the future.


Then one day he calls you up, and he calls you to his office. He sits you down, goes over the plan for the ring given what you told him, gives you an exact price and maybe even something of a time frame. You agree. Make the ring you tell him. You bring out your credit card and finalize the transaction. The deal is done.


That, to me, is like the proposal. You are done evaluating. you are done considering, you have a pretty reasonable time period in mind, and you are ready to fully committ. You are ready for marriage. The deal is done.



You know what happens after that, you work out any small changes in the ring. Small changes might be made in the timeline, etc etc. Just little alterations here and there, and in a short period of time, you are picking up your beautiful new custom made ring.


That would be the wedding. You might change things a bit, place, time, setting, you have to make reservations and send out invitations etc etc. but you are headed towards marriage, and in short order you are wed.



During that time before you pick up your ring, if something drastic happens--with your jeweler. Maybe he kills somebody. Or he decides to work on soembody else's ring for a few months instead of yours, or it takes him 6 months longer or a year longer to finish your ring than he initially quoted...well, you may well have to cancel the deal. But it isn't a commitment you can just walk out on at that point, without violating some real meaningful and legally binding promises made between you and your jeweler.

Just as with a marriage, before it happens, when you are engaged, if something drastic happens you may need to get out. If he kills someone, cheats on you, decides to postpone the wedding for 2 years, then you might have to cancel the deal. But it isn't something you should just walk out of as freely as you would before you are engaged.


And that is where the confusion comes in. I would not want for my gf to come up to me, and make me fully commit, to fully promise, and then pretend like I hadn't so that she could pick out a ring and I could have an "official proposal" later. If we have both fully agreed and the deal is done, then it is done. No need to pretend like the proposal is at a later date, rather, just accept that you are already engaged and then shop for the ring together, after the engagement if you feel that is better.

There is no real jeweler analogy to go along with that scenario. I suppose the closest I could think of is if you went to the jeweler, made all the plans, paid, he made the ring, finished and called you. And then you came back later and pretended like you were shopping, told him what you wanted, pretended to pay again and pretended like you just bought a ring and gave it to you. It would all be an act, when the real purchase and commitment had already taken place.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

and that analogy was obviously an explanation of MY views of dating, proposals, and weddings. and some views that I feel in general are fairly common, though certainly not representative of everyones beliefs. and that there are plenty of ways for a woman to be involved in the ring purchasing experience without already being engaged, but that if the couple is already engaged while shopping together then I feel that they should recognize that fact and go from there, and recognize that his/her partner might be a little uncomfortable with that (or might not). If someone has a drastically different view thats cool with me, but I was trying to convey my views a little more clearly.

 

[stebbo]

Date: 10/1/2007 12:24:47 PM
Author: musey

7) If we were engaged before I proposed:

Until he proposes, you are his gf. That means he can break up with you at any time he wants, and he has not broken any true commitments.

For some couples (and I suspect you fall into this category), the man gets a nearly indefinite period of time to make this decision. The woman, if she hasn''t put serious thought into the subject before HIS proposal (which she may well not have if it isn''t a jointly discussed decision) gets however much time she is allowed between ''Will you marry me?'' -and- ''...Well?? Will you?''

To make things worse, many proposals involve spectators, making it even harder for her to say ''let me think about it''.

You speak a lot of sense musey, especially the bit about the buying process being representative of the relationship.

If you really think about it, deeply, the act of surprising someone is simply a deep-down desire to be appreciated. ''She loved the ring I picked'', ''she and everyone will think I''m fantastic for planning such an elaborate proposal without her suspecting one bit''... It''s all very exciting for the giver, but that doesn''t mean it all translates to the receiver. But really, think of the weeks/months of excitement she gets out of the being involved in the buying process and the years of absolutely loving ALL aspects of that ring.

I''d hate to think my wife would ever surprise me with a new car. Even if she knew what I wanted, I''d be probably scared looking over it, going red, good, 3 litre, good, halogen lights, good, shifter, where''s the shifter?!!!

And then I would have missed out test driving all the other contenders which I might have discovered I liked better anyway.









There are just no rules to any of this but to truly put yourself in her position and then decide what feels right. Surprising someone on its deeper level

 

[Pandora II]

My FI proposed on Christmas Eve with a beautiful wood and gold scrabble set that I will treasure for ever (I still haven''t played with it as I can''t bear to undo the WILL YOU MARRY ME letters

)

We then started the ring design - he had plenty of input (he chose the centre stone colour - which was what I would have chosen anyway) and we had so much fun. In the meantime I had a sapphire and diamond placeholder eternity band.

I finally saw my e-ring in June and it was a great moment - It was like having 3 proposals each one different but wonderful.

The actual proposal was also about us and not about the bling. When I finally received the ring, I had the loupe out before I even kissed FI - oops!

I don''t feel that there was any lack of surprise, or romance. In fact the surprise was even bigger as I has no hint whatsoever that it was coming!

 

[musey]

Pandora, I LOVE your engagement story!!


Stebbo,

Date: 10/2/2007 10:13:39 AM
Author: stebbo

If you really think about it, deeply, the act of surprising someone is simply a deep-down desire to be appreciated. ''She loved the ring I picked'', ''she and everyone will think I''m fantastic for planning such an elaborate proposal without her suspecting one bit''... It''s all very exciting for the giver, but that doesn''t mean it all translates to the receiver. But really, think of the weeks/months of excitement she gets out of the being involved in the buying process and the years of absolutely loving ALL aspects of that ring.

I''d hate to think my wife would ever surprise me with a new car. Even if she knew what I wanted, I''d be probably scared looking over it, going red, good, 3 litre, good, halogen lights, good, shifter, where''s the shifter?!!!

And then I would have missed out test driving all the other contenders which I might have discovered I liked better anyway.

I think you''re completely right about the whole "surprising" being a desire to be appreciated. I''ve never thought of it that way, but it makes total sense!

Also, really good point about "test driving the contenders." That was one of the most fun parts for me--and I definitely changed my mind about what I wanted through that process (originally princess cut with baguettes... and I ended up with an an asscher on an antique-style bead-set band!! You can''t get much different than that

).

 

[stebbo]

Date: 10/2/2007 11:32:41 AM
Author: Pandora II
My FI proposed on Christmas Eve with a beautiful wood and gold scrabble set that I will treasure for ever (I still haven''t played with it as I can''t bear to undo the WILL YOU MARRY ME letters

)

Don''t tell me, you only had the letters ''y'', ''e'' and ''s'' on your rack to answer with?

 

[MoonWater]

musey, all i can say is amazing posts! soooo many great points, i could not agree more!

 

[musey]

Date: 10/2/2007 5:17:48 PM
Author: MoonWater
musey, all i can say is amazing posts! soooo many great points, i could not agree more!

MoonWater, that is SUCH a nice thing to say! I tend to get blabby and philosophical on here, I''m glad someone can bushwack through my words and make some sense of ''em

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 10/2/2007 12:00:52 PM
Author: stebbo

Date: 10/2/2007 11:32:41 AM
Author: Pandora II
My FI proposed on Christmas Eve with a beautiful wood and gold scrabble set that I will treasure for ever (I still haven''t played with it as I can''t bear to undo the WILL YOU MARRY ME letters

)

Don''t tell me, you only had the letters ''y'', ''e'' and ''s'' on your rack to answer with?

Lol, no he''d used the rest of the letters to make a ring shape on the board - which was hidden away.

The letters were inside the drawers of a chocolate advent calendar.

Anyway, my first comment was - oh my god, have I bullied you into this!

The YES came a bit later when I''d stopped shaking, crying - and taking pics of the board for PS

 

[MoonWater]

Re: musey

Well I'm beginning to notice that I have a habit of agreeing with your post! You take the words right out of my mouth every time!

 

[treysar]

A really good "in between" decision would be what my husband did for me... he proposed with a beautiful stone placed in an inexpensive solitaire, a round stone. He knew that i liked round because i had complimented a friend who had one (and that was my way of subtley dropping a hint that i liked round - fortunate for me he "got it".. lol..)

Anyhoo - I was thrilled with a solitaire, but right after hje proposed he said" AS a wedding gift, i would ike for you to pick whatever setting you want - i wanted to suprise you with the proposal, but I want you to have something that you''ll really LOVE".
PERFECT!
We went together and picked a setting a few months before our wedding, and I felt that I got the best of both worlds -a TOTAL SHOCKING surprise of an engagement and the exact ring i wanted!

AND I was able to keep the solitaire setting and put in a peridot!!!

 

[clyparkr]

My gf and I have talked about getting married many many times (we''ve been together for almost 4 yrs now) and about a yr ago for the hell of it one day we went ring shopping to see what she might like... I took down all the info from the jeweler and im basing all of my engagement ring searchs off of those choices she made.

Hopefully after i get the ring and do the proposal she will like the ring

good luck... no matter what you decide to do she will like it either way im sure