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Pre Marital Counseling???

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tomswife2007

Rough_Rock
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Dec 16, 2005
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Hi everyone,

My fiance and I were both baptized Catholic and practiced Catholic including First Holy Communion, Confirmation, went to Church every Saturday, etc. However, we are no longer "practicing" Catholics in that sense. We both still believe in the faith, but not all of the man made rules and regulations...whole other issue.

We are getting married next year...having an outdoor wedding ceremony and our officiant is Tom''s friend of many, many years who is a Lutheran Minister. Does any one know anything about the premarital counseling issue? I know as Catholics getting married in a Church we would have been required to attend several weeks of Pre Caina (have no idea if that is even spelled correctly) classes. However, we do not know if that is something required of all religions and if it is even required at all when not getting married in a Church.

Can any one shed some light on the subject? Thanks!

 

Incognito

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 15, 2005
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I don''t think it is required by most religions but probably encouraged. I think they also have more pull if you are getting married in the church. My fiance and I are from different backgrounds, he grew up Catholic and I am Methodist. We are getting married outside by a Methodist minister that was recommended to us. Although the counseling was not required, we wanted to do it. I have to say, with all the stess of the wedding planning, it is nice to have something be about the two of us again. I have enjoyed it and feel like on that day,the Minister will be more to us than someone we hired for the event. Congrats on your engagement and I am sure you will decide what is best for you and your fiance.
 

Mara

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you should check with the church you plan to get married in. it seems like many Catholic churches have their own 'rules' on that kind of stuff. if you aren't getting married in a church, then check with the catholic priest who is marrying you as they may have their own requirements.

oh duh i see you aren't getting married in a church. well if your lutheran minister does not require it then i would think you are fine. i am catholic and we got married in hawaii and we did not do pre-marital counseling. however, i would say if you do have the opportunity to do it and you both are open to it, i would attend a few classes as it just may be interesting for you both. good luck!
 

tomswife2007

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Thank you both for your input. The nice thing is that our officiant is also a friend of ours. When we asked him to marry us, he did mention that we should see about going through the classes, but never said it is something that is required. We were just not sure what the right thing was to do as neither of us were ever married before.

We both have friends that married Catholic in the Church and the whole nine. All of them were around our age when they were married...btwn 33 and 40 (Tom and I will be 39 and 36 on our big day). Most of them told us it was not the greatest experience because they sat in classes with people much younger than they were...20-26 years of age...learning things like balancing a check book properly. To be honest, we have no idea what todays classes are like. If any one has any input about the classes, we would love to hear it. In case we do decide to sign up and attend, it would be very helpful to know what we may be getting into. If any one has any other thoughts, please post them. Thanks again!
 

tomswife2007

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Date: 4/30/2006 11:48:50 PM
Author: Incognito
I don''t think it is required by most religions but probably encouraged. I think they also have more pull if you are getting married in the church. My fiance and I are from different backgrounds, he grew up Catholic and I am Methodist. We are getting married outside by a Methodist minister that was recommended to us. Although the counseling was not required, we wanted to do it. I have to say, with all the stess of the wedding planning, it is nice to have something be about the two of us again. I have enjoyed it and feel like on that day,the Minister will be more to us than someone we hired for the event. Congrats on your engagement and I am sure you will decide what is best for you and your fiance.
BTW...Thank you for the well wishes on our engagement, Incognito! Congrats to you as well!
 

tomswife2007

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Date: 4/30/2006 11:55:19 PM
Author: Mara
you should check with the church you plan to get married in. it seems like many Catholic churches have their own ''rules'' on that kind of stuff. if you aren''t getting married in a church, then check with the catholic priest who is marrying you as they may have their own requirements.

oh duh i see you aren''t getting married in a church. well if your lutheran minister does not require it then i would think you are fine. i am catholic and we got married in hawaii and we did not do pre-marital counseling. however, i would say if you do have the opportunity to do it and you both are open to it, i would attend a few classes as it just may be interesting for you both. good luck!
Thanks!...and Congrats on your marriage, Mara! Best wishes to both of you!
 

diamondlil

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 8, 2003
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2,405
There is another thread discussing this issue right now, Tomswife. Maybe this will be helpful to you.
 

tomswife2007

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2005
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78
Date: 5/1/2006 8:46:15 AM
Author: DiamondLil
There is another thread discussing this issue right now, Tomswife. Maybe this will be helpful to you.
Thanks DiamondLil!
 

lillei

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 1, 2006
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79
Pre-Cana is only required by the church that you are getting married in. Since you are having an outdoor ceremony by a Lutheran minister, it wouldn''t be required unless the minister requires it. Interfaith marriages require pre-cana, only if you are getting married in the Catholic Church.

My FI and I are getting married in the Church, and just completed our pre-cana a few weeks ago. Because it was the first marriage for both of us, we were only required to attend one 8hour session, for a fee of $75. This class was something that we both were DREADING for months. In actuality, the class wasn''t bad at all.

If all pre-cana sessions are taught the way ours was, I would highly reccommend it to anyone. In the class, they had given us a workbook, with each topic having two questionnaires for each of us. One of the topics included personality differences; it had 2 polar opposites of certain personality characteristics (ex tightwad and spendthrift), with 5 columns to check appropriately along the spectrum. "very, somewhat, neutral, somewhat, and very." We were told to do a self assessment, and check our columns of where we each thought we were, and then to check off the columns of where we thought our FI were. After that, we had to find our FI''s and compare answers. There was another topic on arguments, that had all certain characteristics included such as yelling, blaming, pouting, silence, crying etc., and were told to check off the columns that applied to each....you, me, neither, both. Again, we had to find each other in the building afterwards, and compare answers. Although some of the topics we had talked about in this session, were things we had long since mulled over an come to an agreement on, I felt that most of the other topics, such as the two I listed above, weren''t things that we talked about in everyday life as they could be viewed as accusational. (Ex. You always ignore me when I feel the need to talk, or you are so conservative, and I''m so liberal) These excercises allowed us an opportunity, in a non-confrontational setting, to see how we view each other and explain our reasons why. It was awesome, and allowed for real conversation about everday concerns that we may never have found the time to talk about rationally. There was even a worksheet for sexual intimacy, which we were told to on our own time; I personally am still waiting for a nice evening of wine before we get around to that one, :) but even those worksheets appeared to come in handy. It had questions such as, under what circumstances would you always say no to sex....(while cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, etc) What turns you on/off the most? Anyway, I''m sure you get the point.

I found that the most helpful information of the whole session is when the couple teaching the session talked about the "Circle of Love." They said that when you first meet someone you go through a stage of "illusion," which is also called a "love WITHOUT knowing." You want to be around the person all the time, but don''t know that much about them...it''s a feeling without a basis. All relationships then move into the next phase..."disillusionment." This is when everything starts to become a reality...you see each others flaws, but don''t have the real basis to judge these flaws rationally, as it is such a huge shock after coming out of the previous phase of illusion. The next stage is "confusion." People reach a point when they start questioning the relationship, unsure if it could work, and all those questions that lead to, how did I love this person so much not that long ago, and be able to feel as confused as I do now? This phase puts a person into an automatatic thrust into the stage of "conclusion." This stage has 3 outcomes: 1) couples opt out of the relationship and start a new one, 2) stay in it for the sake of kids or whatever else...which ultimately puts the couple in the middle of the "circle" where they remain miserable, or 3) realize the problem and vow together to work on a change or resolution. If the "change" is truly made, each person in the relationship adds a whole new dimension to themselves, which leads to a new attraction...a new love....except that this time around it is a "love WITH knowing." The couple said that even with a solidified marriage, each couple will go round and round this circle many times, but usually, if you made it full circle once, you will continue to forever. I thought that this topic was really helpful. I know personally, I can easily relate this to many relationships I''ve had in the past, and obviously didn''t make full circle. The couple had said, that deep down, this circle, is something that ultimately all people know, but never stop to think about. They said that when you think about it, and realize it''s cycle, love is not so scary after all.

I know I''ve somewhat rambled off topic, but I am stilll so surprised how beneficial that pre-cana turned out to be, and would like to share it with others to see what you think. Hey, if you don''t happen to go, don''t worry about it. This post was so long, that I actually feel like I just gave you the whole pre-cana session.....too bad I can''t mail you out a certificate of completion!
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selflove

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 12, 2005
Messages
972
TomsWife: most Catholic churches will let you do a 1-day pre-cana. I live in Southern California and almost all of the churches in our area (do you call that a "diocese"??) had a 1-day session for us. Otherwise, it''s usually a weekend retreat.

We did this in March and even though I''m pretty anti-catholic, I found it to be extremely beneficial. It was actually a wonderful day. They didn''t shove catholicism or christianity down anyone''s throat. I think it would be helpful for any denomination. They really focused a lot on the family, communication, conflict resolution, finances, and used images of your own family of origin to get you to think about how your upbringing will impact your marriage.

Good luck!
 

klavigne

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 21, 2006
Messages
235
Huh this is interesting. My FI and I are both non-practicing Catholics, raised that way by our parents. I went to church every week for 25 years. We we''re told that unless we both were practicing members of a parish that the church would not marry us for any reason. Maybe that’s just the NYC diocese. We would love to get married in a church but..... We just don''t believe in their views anymore. The church has done just about everything they could to push me from the faith and after being told we weren''t part of the faith anymore they can keep it. Just my 2 cents!
 

selflove

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 12, 2005
Messages
972
klavigne--i''ve heard that it''s dependent upon the priest. Some will marry you even if you''re not a member of their church. I''ve never had any of the catholic sacraments and yet we are getting married in the catholic church in Slovenia. Although the way I understand it is that my FI will be married in the eyes of the church but I will not...which makes no sense to me but whatever.
 

klavigne

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 21, 2006
Messages
235
Hey Self love,
That''s why I find this all very interesting. We approach a priest who is a long time family friend. He baptized me, gave me my first communion, etc... This is the same priest my parents had over for dinner every Tuesday that I can remember for over twenty five years, this man married my parents and my brother and his wife, a non-catholic. He told me that under no circumstance will the church marry two Catholics who "have fallen out of favor with the church" The only way we could be married in a church or by a priest at all was if we both were practicing members of a parish, any parish. Again, I''m not sure how the NYC diocese deal with this compared to other area''s of the country. BTW, this priest is Franciscan, so you''d think that he''d do it for us if he "legal" could through the church. But none of that matters anymore, I''ve moved on. Besides, being a history buff and seeing how the church has royally screwed up over the centuries doesn''t leave a good taste in my mouth when it comes to any organized religion. After all, these people who are telling us what to believe are only human. Just my 2 cents!
P.S. these classes sound interesting to me.
 

ponderer

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 10, 2006
Messages
233
Tomswife,

I was married a little over 5 years ago in the Catholic Church (whole 9 yards). My FI joined the church although he is not very into organized religion and we were not then or now "practicing" catholics. My experience with getting married in the church was a good one as soon as I realized that there are very few standard rules. I found out very quickly that the rules changed very drastically from church to church or more specifically from priest to priest.

The first church (priest) would only marry two catholics (they did not specify how active you had to be), but they would not not marry us during lent, so we moved on.

The second church (priest) would marry anyone as long as one of you was catholic and he would marry us during lent. Bingo!

We were required to attend premarriage councelling, which i believe is fairly universally required by the catholic church, but again what the councelling consisted of varied considerably. Friends in california attended a weekend retreat, others friends did one 8 hours session, we met one on one with a active couple in the parish 4 or 5 times for 2 hours sessions.

Lillei gave a very thorough review of what the premarital councelling was like, it seems that they went fairly by the book. Ours was more casual, and the couple we met with had been doing this for a while so instead of filling out work sheets and following the book, our counselling was done in a more conversational manner, although in the end I am sure we covered everything in the material. The intimacy section was left up to us, unless we really felt like it needed to be discussed.

The material was considerably non religious and created an opportunity for you to discuss important issues that you may be dealing with currently and even more importantly important issues that have yet to come up (money,children, how each others families would affect your marriage, etc.). It makes you talk about things so that you reduce the number of assumptions that usually get you into trouble later.

I would highly reccommend premaital to anyone getting married especiallly if you have not been together very long or if you are currently having problems. My husband "the anti-organized relgion synic" even thought it was a good experience and talked friends and family members into it when it was an option at the church they would be married in.

In other religions it is hit and miss whether they require it or even offer it. Again I think it depends greatly on the minister. If you have the opportunity to take a premarital counceling I would strongly recommend it.

On a funny side note when we went to get our marriage licesce 3 days before the wedding they had do it yourself premarital councelling pamphlets which they handed out to everyone who came in.
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