Do you SOs act like this too?

[anchor31]

... like it''s okay to talk about rings and engagement when he brings it up (but you can''t get excited though, ''cause talking about it doesn''t mean he''s actually going to do it, right?

), but you can''t bring it up yourself or else he shuts down?

I mean... My SO has been dropping hints for almost a year, he is almost constantly talking about it since the end of the summer holidays, he''s talking about it to people around him, he looked at rings for Christmas (but hasn''t bought one because they''re too expensive for his present budget)... That list could go on and on...

But when I bring it up, it''s "someday" and "your engagement ring is going to be expensive", and when I offered to show him the yummy design I showed y''all with two inspiration rings pictures, he said no!

If you aren''t ready it''s fine, I''ll wait, but STOP PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS!!!

/rant

Well, that felt good!

 

[larussel03]

Maybe he''s afraid that you''re settling for something cheaper than you really want, and maybe he feels badly about it. It''s clear to all us LIW that you want a ring like that in your avatar--but he knows it''s not as expensive as some 1.5 ct solitaire (arbitrary examply) and maybe he''s nervous that you''re only looking at that style b/c you think he''ll never be able to afford some ring that he thinks you really want. I think that the next time you both look at these, you should say "I hope that you dont think I''m settling and that''s why you react negatively to this ring style--this is what I want, it suits me and my lifestyle perfectly".

 

[anchor31]

You may be right, Sweetpea... And I am not settling, I would love to have that ring even more than I''d like to have a solitaire!
And I''m open to other things too! Here is the link to the thread where I showed the design I made:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/want-to-share-a-ring-design-i-just-made.36445/

I wanted to show him that design plus the whiteflash trellis I used for inspiration and the twisted shank ring from Peter Indorf valeria101 posted. He said no. I was hurt.

I''m very confused and I''m not sure how do deal with his conflicted attitude towards the whole issue. Every time I come to terms with waiting, he comes back with something like "I told someone I want to propose to you" or "I looked for Christmas" and I get excited (what else does he expect??), but then he goes back to "It''s going to happen but not soon", I''m disappointed and I have to come to terms with waiting all over again. It''s very frustrating. I feel like I''m on a roller-coaster, and being on a roller-coaster for a long time (almost a year) is very tiring.

*sigh* So I have to come to terms with waiting once again. I think I''ll buy myself a good book, or a season of my favorite TV show on DVD...

 

[Kit]

God!

Men. Why do they do it to us?? Why do we put up with it??

I feel your pain, Anchor. It seems like you do need to have a serious discussion with your SO about all this, and perhaps lay some ground rules about the topic. Tell him exactly how you feel when he does exactly what he does, and tell him you feel like you're on Space Mountain half the time...perhaps he will begin to understand that his actions and words are deeply affecting you. Also, is it time to set the deadline? Have you done this already? I am guessing the cost of your dream ring is attainable by him saving bit by bit over many months, perhaps with a timeline in place it will help your SO save up the $$ and give you peace of mind that things are moving steadily forward. I bascially did this with my BF and once we set the deadline I felt soooo much better about the whole thing.

Honestly most of the time I think that men are just not on the same page as we are when it comes to this issue. Because of the dicatates of tradition, we have zero control over when we get engaged or how, and that just sucks. I don't think they fully get this. If my BF was okay with me proposing to him we'd probably be getting married like today or something.

 

[larussel03]

You should ask him what he''s thinking in terms of ring design---maybe he just didnt like the braided look, which I do think is cute, but maybe not to his taste?

 

[anchor31]

Kit, I just followed your advice. And...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!

My SO and I were just talking on the phone about our Christmas holiday plans, which is never easy because my family usually travels to see my mother''s family for Christmas and then to see my father''s family for New Year''s and my boyfriend''s family is not near those two places. We talked about what was important for us and how we both perceive our relationship, our priorities, etc. and he mentionned twice (not once, twice!!) that he''s thinking about proposing to me. So after we''d agreed that we''d make plans once he knew what his family was planning for the holidays, I asked him if we could agree on something else.

Me: You have said often recently that you want to propose to me. I''d like to know if you have an approximate timeline, so I don''t have expectations that don''t match your plans.

Him: I''m giving myself a year.

Me: Between January 2006 and January 2007?

Him: Yes. It''ll be our third anniversary in August, right?

Me: Yes.

Him: Yeah. Sometime in 2006.

Me: So, can I send you a picture of a ring I designed?

Him: You designed a ring??

Me: Well, yeah... Yesterday you said you didn''t want to see it.

Him: I did? I''m sorry. You can send it to me.

Me: I love you.

Him: I love you too.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! I''m getting engaged in 2006!!! And very possibly on our anniversary in 9 months!!! NINE MONTHS!!! I am so shocked I''m shaking! Somebody pinch me!

(we should have a hyper excited smiley...

)

I''m off to send him the pictures!!!

 

[MissAva]

Kick Ass! I hope he loves the ring you did a wonderful job on it! Yippeee!

 

[princessv]

Oh Anchor31 I''m soooooooo excited for you!! And I do love the ring you designed!

 

[appletini]

I''m so glad that y''all have established a timeline. My BF has been telling me and everyone else for almost 2 years that he''s going to marry me. He''s finally about to make it happen.

 

[nytemist]

Yes, most if not all guys act like this.

Yes, it seems fine if they bring up the subjuect, but heaven forbid we do (we just look like a nagging chick that way)

Collective question- why are we putting up with that sort of behavior? When it last time we all confronted our SO and point blank asked him do you want this yes or no? (I know it''s different when there''s a financial roadblock)

After the (not so) subtle hints and conversation topics at BF''s parent''s house and his married sisters, I didn''t even need to confront him. The car ride back to his place he was tripping over his tongue, the words were coming out so fast. "I know it''s almost December. I know it was tough to sit and listen to all the honeymoon talk. I know you hated being asked 20 times what our plans are..."

hehehe... it''s also pretty funny that he fesses up a storm when I''m driving.

 

[SoonIHope]

1) Yeah my boyfriend is EXACTLY the same way. I don''t get it. Especially because in my situation he has already bought the ring (waiting for it to come in after getting set), and he has said he definitely wants to do this etc [b/c yes, I have asked him point blank], so WHYYYY would it be upsetting for me to say "Yay we''re getting engaged soon!" when I''m not applying pressure on when it happens AND he has already sworn it will happen before the end of the year?? I don''t really see what kind of pressure there IS there! Decision has been made! Let me just be excited!!!

2) EEEEEEEEEEEP!!!! THAT''S SUCH GOOD NEWS ANCHOR!!!! I''m SOOO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!

I love how he didn''t even realize that you had designed a ring and he had refused to see it. I really don''t understand how major things like that just don''t quite get through to them half the time.

3) Nytemist - did you update your other thread yet?? So what was the end result of his confession to you?? How are things looking???

 

[anchor31]

I''m so excited too!!! Not knowing if he was going to do it in six months or six years was so hard, and now I know I have a maximum of 13 months to wait! Not I can actually enjoy it and not be anxious and frustrated all the time!!

I''ll keep you posted!

 

[nytemist]

Albicocca- unfortunately, not a whole lot came out of that, I should say, to my knowledge. He gave really good reasons for his delaying things, but... that was it. I have still haven''t been involved, even if the jeweler is kid of being difficult. I''ve suggested using someone else, but I don''t think he will. Not to mention I don''t think he has started the process yet- still. I''m slipping more into that feeling of ''he doesn''t see this as very important and will get around to it when he gets around to it.'' Reinforces that feeling in me that maybe it really isn''t what he wants to do... I don''t know.

But as of today- 33 days left in the year it''s supposed to happen.

 

[Caribou]

Fortunately for m my boyfriend is okay with me talking about marriage and stuff even though we aren''t engaged yet. I feel bad when I bring it up because I don''t want him to feel pressured. I asked him on our way home from my aunts because they were all asking me about it and he walked in. He said it didn''t bother him.

But I totally know how you all feel. I was engaged once before and after the first week of being engaged and me talking about it my now EX (thank God) said to me ''do you think you can talk about something else other than a wedding.....I''m sick of hearing it'' I should have left then.

 

[anchor31]

Ack, nytemist, I''m sorry to hear things aren''t happening as he promised. Nobody deserves that.

I really hope that it is going to happen within the next 33 days...

Caribou - I told my SO yesterday that I promised to not bring it up again and not bug him until it happened unless he brought it up himself, but he said that I can talk about it if I want. I appreciate that because it''s hard to have to keep yourself from talking about something so important in your life with the man you love.

 

[SoonIHope]

Nytemist - oh, I''m sorry....33 days is still a while though!! I''m keeping my fingers crossed for you!!!

And yeah, I don''t get my boyfriend...we will happily discuss wedding planning on a pretty regular basis but every once in a while he just flips out and tells me to stop talking about it.

 

[Kit]

Date: 11/28/2005 12:48:17 PM
Author: anchor31
I''m so excited too!!! Not knowing if he was going to do it in six months or six years was so hard, and now I know I have a maximum of 13 months to wait! Not I can actually enjoy it and not be anxious and frustrated all the time!!

I''ll keep you posted!

Anchor, yay! I am so pleased and happy this communication stuff worked for you. Seems like it worked really well!!

Isn''t it a relief to know that there are goals and timelines and deadlines and the process is now moving forward? I have a feeling that as time goes on, you will ask your SO for updates but overall you won''t be bugging him half as much as you are now, nor will you need to. You''ll feel secure and at peace. Ahhhh!!!

Yay!

PS: Matatora I love your use of "kick ass" here. LOL!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/28/2005 11:43:57 PM
Author: Kit
Anchor, yay! I am so pleased and happy this communication stuff worked for you. Seems like it worked really well!!

Isn''t it a relief to know that there are goals and timelines and deadlines and the process is now moving forward? I have a feeling that as time goes on, you will ask your SO for updates but overall you won''t be bugging him half as much as you are now, nor will you need to. You''ll feel secure and at peace. Ahhhh!!!

Yay!

PS: Matatora I love your use of ''kick ass'' here. LOL!

It is a relief. I do feel more secure and at peace, it''s unbelievable! I udes to feel like it was all words and no action, but now I am getting action!!! Yay!

And yeah, I guess I''ll probably end up asking him about his progress every once in a while, but I''ll do my best not to bug him. Now that the timeframe has been established, I really want to sit back and enjoy the ride.

 

[Rhapsody]

About this time last year my boyfriend said the same thing, he was giving himself till the end of 05, and although I was so excited it seemed like a looooong time. So we agreed on monthly progress reports/question sessions so that I knew he was thinking about it and not waiting till the last minute like our procrastinating selves usually do

he said that it helped him keep on track and it definitely limited the little in-between questions that I would ask before that. The whole process is very stressful for both parties, and I think when I''d ask random questions that stress would come to the surface and I''d misread it as something else and feel like he didn''t care or wasn''t into it. This way he knew to expect it and could prepare himself for me sending him tons of pictures and links

I am SO excited for you and hope he likes your ring design as much as we all do.

 

[anchor31]

Call me crazy, but 13 months don''t seem that long to me right now, especially since a particular conversation in October in which he told me that "after four years, he hoped I would [say yes]" so I thought I would have had to wait more or less 21 months for our fourth anniversary. But now I know I''m only going to have to wait until January ''07, and he might propose on our third anniversary in nine months, so that doesn''t seem like such a long time. That might change with time and I might get more antsy later, I know.

At the moment I''m just insanely happy to have a timeframe!

As for the ring progress, I know how much he wants it to be a surprise and how much he wants to do this himself, so I''m not going to get involved unless he asks me to. I''ll show him ring designs I love and that will be it. I trust him to use that to find something I will cherish all my life.

Goodness, I love this man.

 

[bookworm21]

Mine does the exact same thing as yours. I think it's a guy thing; if we bring it up, maybe they feel pressured? I don't know. I've given up on trying to figure that one out. One time, he dragged me into a jewelry store when we walked past the display window. And he debated ring setting styles with me. But I am never to bring it up, because he just mm-hmms his way through the conversation or clams up.

So don't worry, it's not just you.

By the way, GREAT NEWS!!! Keep us all posted with the details!

 

[picky]

I think it''s a guy thing;

WRONG. You are simply allowing him to have supreme power over when and how your relationship moves forward. More like your Master than your SO.

 

[picky]

Collective question- why are we putting up with that sort of behavior? When it last time we all confronted our SO and point blank asked him do you want this yes or no? (I know it''s different when there''s a financial roadblock)

Good question. You should also ask yourself why you defend this very behavior when people question it.

 

[anchor31]

Cinderella - I think the guys that do this are the ones that are the most traditional ones and really want to do this by themselves. They want to know what we like (my SO did the same thing as yours last year) and once they do they want to do their thing and make it a complete surprise for us. It can be frustrating, but asking him for a timeframe resolved the issue for me.

Prism said:

Date: 12/2/2005 12:18:26 AM
Author: Prisms
I think it''s a guy thing;

WRONG. You are simply allowing him to have supreme power over when and how your relationship moves forward. More like your Master than your SO.

Collective question- why are we putting up with that sort of behavior? When it last time we all confronted our SO and point blank asked him do you want this yes or no? (I know it''s different when there''s a financial roadblock)

Good question. You should also ask yourself why you defend this very behavior when people question it.

Prism – My SO is by no means my “Master”. I take my own decisions for myself, and if my SO had really been dragging his feet for no reason, I would have confronted him about it.

I have asked him if that’s what he really wanted last year when he started talking about it and he assured me it was. I know he wants to marry me and he’s going to propose to me, it’s only a matter of time. If you read my other posts in this thread, you know that I have asked my SO what are his intentions and he told me he’s going to propose in 2006. That timeframe is fine with me. As of now we have been dating 2 years and 3 months, which isn’t as long as some ladies here, and my SO will be turning 24 next week, so I certainly can’t blame him for wanting to have another few months. If he’s not completely ready now I’m not going to push him.

You talk about respect, well we have to respect them too. For most of our SOs, proposing to their girlfriend with the perfect ring and the perfect proposal is something they really want to do. We don’t want to take that away from them. Please stop giving us BS about putting ourselves in a submissive position in the relationship. The LIWs here have happy and healthy relationships and their SOs love them and respect them.

Yes, sometimes they need a little push, and this place is wonderful to get advice. As a matter of fact, Kit suggested to me that I asked my SO for a timeframe, I followed the advice and it worked wonderfully. Yes, we complain and vent a lot, and sometimes we blow things out of proportion when we get frustrated. But that’s what we use this place for, to vent our frustration so we don’t vent it on our SO and fight with them all them time. You might notice that a few of them (me included) have said that getting advice and support here have changed their attitude towards the issue, prompting their SO to propose sooner.

No control at all? I think not.

 

[SoonIHope]

Ohhh my god anchor, THANK YOU. That needed to be said.

 

[decodelighted]

IMHO there''s no quicker way to end/ruin a relationship than by indulging in the selfish need to be a CONTROL FREAK.

Most LIW''s (like my former self) are battling THAT urge, not curling up in a corner waiting for our SO/Masters to rescue us.

Gosh, hope I didn''t SPELL anything wrong. I know how that delights some people so.

 

[anchor31]

Thank you albicocca!

And deco, very well said too! Honestly, is she thinks we''re helpless of whatever, she doesn''t know us at all.

 

[Rhapsody]

Anchor hit the nail on the head about respect. It has to flow both ways. We dont get to treat our men like crap because we feel women have been treated unjustly historically in our society. We cant push them into something they are not ready for, we make the choice to stay or go THAT is where our freedom is. We dont have to stay with them for fear of having our reputation ruined or being an old maid.

I wouldnt propose to my boyfriend because I know if I asked he''d say yes even if he wasnt really ready because he wants me to be happy. I dont want him to be bitter or resentful later so we decided on a time line that worked for us, longer than I hoped for shorter than he would have chosen. THAT is respect. I dont have all the power and neither does he.

 

[Kit]

Date: 12/2/2005 12:15:35 PM
Author: anchor31

Prism – My SO is by no means my “Master”. I take my own decisions for myself, and if my SO had really been dragging his feet for no reason, I would have confronted him about it.

I have asked him if that’s what he really wanted last year when he started talking about it and he assured me it was. I know he wants to marry me and he’s going to propose to me, it’s only a matter of time. If you read my other posts in this thread, you know that I have asked my SO what are his intentions and he told me he’s going to propose in 2006. That timeframe is fine with me. As of now we have been dating 2 years and 3 months, which isn’t as long as some ladies here, and my SO will be turning 24 next week, so I certainly can’t blame him for wanting to have another few months. If he’s not completely ready now I’m not going to push him.

You talk about respect, well we have to respect them too. For most of our SOs, proposing to their girlfriend with the perfect ring and the perfect proposal is something they really want to do. We don’t want to take that away from them. Please stop giving us BS about putting ourselves in a submissive position in the relationship. The LIWs here have happy and healthy relationships and their SOs love them and respect them.
Yes, sometimes they need a little push, and this place is wonderful to get advice. As a matter of fact, Kit suggested to me that I asked my SO for a timeframe, I followed the advice and it worked wonderfully. Yes, we complain and vent a lot, and sometimes we blow things out of proportion when we get frustrated. But that’s what we use this place for, to vent our frustration so we don’t vent it on our SO and fight with them all them time. You might notice that a few of them (me included) have said that getting advice and support here have changed their attitude towards the issue, prompting their SO to propose sooner.

No control at all? I think not.

Anchor, very nicely put.

Dear Prisms, getting married is a major decision that must be entered into mutually by two people. Both people have emotional needs that need to be met by the other. This is the basic nature of relationships. There are also lots of cultural traditions and customs that come attached to getting engaged and married, and as we are all social actors the forces that act upon us are very strong. There is nothing wrong with doing things the way the majority of society dictates; we are all social beings and are part of a larger culture, like it or not.

That said, I dont'' think any LIW''s are piously sitting with their hands folded in their laps, waiting for their "master" boyfriends to thell them, "Hey woman - let''s get hitched!" Quite to the contrary, I find that (nearly) all the women on this board are strong, independent highly capable individuals who strive for healthy loving relationships with their partners, and I continue to be impressed with the community here and everything stated in this topic. Much of what we do in this forum is ask for help in dealing with communication issues in our own relationships, which is exactly what Anchor had. She and her partner share the same desires and dreams and simply needed to dialogue. If she felt her partner was her "master" she would probably have said nothing to him, and just figured that he was in charge and she had no say in her own engagement and marriage plans. Harumph!

 

[larussel03]

Date: 12/2/2005 12:15:04 AM
Author: Prisms

I think it's a guy thing;

WRONG. You are simply allowing him to have supreme power over when and how your relationship moves forward. More like your Master than your SO.

Do you ever have anything else to say? You make the exact same point over and over and over again, turning everyone's threads into pointless debates. Prisms you are entitled to your opinion, but kindly refrain from trying to push it onto others by repeating yourself incessantly. Everyone has an opinion, that's the beauty of opinions, and I think we ALL know what yours is and will be every time anyone posts anything looking for support. It really does more harm than good.