Seriously? In some states rapists have parental rights?

[azstonie]

When I was working these steps I wrote them out on small cards that I could carry in my pocket or bag; I also texted some to myself to have them there too. It helped me go forward, I knew that if I was surprised by a flashback or really bad thoughts I could handle them.

One thing, Housie: I did not report either. I feel no shame about that. It would have been the 'wrong' thing for me.

Consider writing out all the fall out from it that you still carry today---shame, panic, rage, etc. and write a contract with yourself that you forgive yourself completely for X behavior or feeling or response, that you did the best you could in that moment and you're doing the very best you can today and there just isn't more to give/do/be than your best in this. Free yourself from all of that. We can't render ourselves 'unraped' or 'unattacked' but we CAN refuse to self-abuse ourselves for idealistic fantasies about what we "should" be doing or feeling. In the words of one of my profs: Stop should-ing all over yourselves!

 

[Gypsy]

When I was working these steps I wrote them out on small cards that I could carry in my pocket or bag; I also texted some to myself to have them there too. It helped me go forward, I knew that if I was surprised by a flashback or really bad thoughts I could handle them.

One thing, Housie: I did not report either. I feel no shame about that. It would have been the 'wrong' thing for me.

Consider writing out all the fall out from it that you still carry today---shame, panic, rage, etc. and write a contract with yourself that you forgive yourself completely for X behavior or feeling or response, that you did the best you could in that moment and you're doing the very best you can today and there just isn't more to give/do/be than your best in this. Free yourself from all of that. We can't render ourselves 'unraped' or 'unattacked' but we CAN refuse to self-abuse ourselves for idealistic fantasies about what we "should" be doing or feeling. In the words of one of my profs: Stop should-ing all over yourselves!

Housecat,. I did not report either. And I now know it was the right thing for me not to let myself be victimized again by our legal system. The shame you feel -- it is not yours-- iit is his. Bastard.

((Hugs)) so very many hugs.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Please no one take this the wrong way, but I have learnt in life that sometimes when something so atrocious happens to you, you should do your very best to put it behind you otherwise it will take over and rule your future. Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion.

I disagree. Unprocessed feelings NEVER go away. They just manifest themselves in very unhealthy ways. I have personally and professional seen Yalom's curative factors of effective groups. Hearing your story out of someone else's mouth reduces shame and stigma.

http://www.goodtherapy.org/famous-psychologists/irvin-yalom.html

 

[Gypsy]

I agree with Tacori, from personal experienced. Unprocessed trauma does not go away.

 

[lovedogs]

I agree with Tacori, from personal experienced. Unprocessed trauma does not go away.

Another voice from experience that not talking about trauma does not make it go away.

 

[azstonie]

Same here. I describe it using a balloon analogy: If you blow up a balloon pretty much to capacity (your mental and emotional health) and then squeeze one portion of it (a crisis of some kind), you get a responding BULGE somewhere else OR the balloon itself breaks. All of my deferred garbage would come back when a 'normal' life crisis came along: Broken engagement CHECK. Best friend moved 3000 miles away CHECK. Got married CHECK. Got divorced CHECK. Got remarried CHECK. Unhealthy relationship with my family CHECK. It compounded every time something happened to me, just like interest but not lucrative At 50 years old I finally decided to fix it once and for all.

 

[missy]

And another voice in agreement here. YMMV but in my experience talking about trauma and working through your feelings and thoughts help take away the hold it has on you whereas ignoring it gives it greater power to do damage to you. In general I find venting, emoting and working through and processing feelings and thoughts to be beneficial in moving on and allowing yourself to be happy again.

Housecat, just want to say again how sorry I am and how brave I think you are and please don't beat yourself up about not reporting it. You did what you felt was best at the time and that is OK. Your attacker is the one who should feel shame and not you. You did nothing wrong.

Sending you ((((HUGS)))) and good wishes for a better tomorrow where peace of mind and contentment will be yours.

 

[redwood66]

Please no one take this the wrong way, but I have learnt in life that sometimes when something so atrocious happens to you, you should do your very best to put it behind you otherwise it will take over and rule your future. Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion.

There are many like you who feel this way. Don't ever feel bad about it. People deal with things in exactly this manner and still have happy, productive lives.

 

[sstephensid]

Please no one take this the wrong way, but I have learnt in life that sometimes when something so atrocious happens to you, you should do your very best to put it behind you otherwise it will take over and rule your future. Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion.

There are many like you who feel this way. Don't ever feel bad about it. People deal with things in exactly this manner and still have happy, productive lives.

It is very telling the only post you respond to in this whole thread, is this. There, there Shondra don't feel bad for telling others they need to keep these thoughts to yourself. But not commenting on any of the horrific acts mentioned.

If it makes people feel better to discuss it, who are you and Shondra to tell them otherwise?

Psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists will tell you otherwise. But why listen to trained medical professionals?

If you personally have found it easier to hold things within, then go for it. It is not typically known as the healthy way to process things, but it's your life. I'm not telling you to talk about it. But don't tell others they must conform to your way.

 

[redwood66]

Please no one take this the wrong way, but I have learnt in life that sometimes when something so atrocious happens to you, you should do your very best to put it behind you otherwise it will take over and rule your future. Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion.

There are many like you who feel this way. Don't ever feel bad about it. People deal with things in exactly this manner and still have happy, productive lives.

It is very telling the only post you respond to in this whole thread, is this. There, there Shondra don't feel bad for telling others they need to keep these thoughts to yourself. But not commenting on any of the horrific acts mentioned.

If it makes people feel better to discuss it, who are you and Shondra to tell them otherwise?

Psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists will tell you otherwise. But why listen to trained medical professionals?

If you personally have found it easier to hold things within, then go for it. It is not typically known as the healthy way to process things, but it's your life. I'm not telling you to talk about it. But don't tell others they must conform to your way.

I have already responded to the people who have posted here in other threads. They know exactly how I feel about them and how much I care about them. HC included. It is also very telling about you that you constantly badger those with a different opinion than yours. You are an intolerant person to those with a different POV. And I did not tell anyone how to deal with anything - I acknowledged a poster with a different POV than the majority here.

 

[House Cat]

azstonie, Thank you for that valuable information! I will be using it right now.

Scandinavian, I will never start screaming at him. I am too concerned for my son. And actually, it is my natural response to freeze.

LLJ, I am entertaining the idea of staying home from some of these events because of the toll it is taking on me. I always wanted to be my son's biggest fan. I will feel guilty if I miss his events.

Gypsy, thank you. I would have been victimized by our legal system for sure. He was older and had money. I was young, broke, and my family was in pieces. I was alone. When I look at it logically, I know there was no way I could have reported this.

Please no one take this the wrong way, but I have learnt in life that sometimes when something so atrocious happens to you, you should do your very best to put it behind you otherwise it will take over and rule your future. Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion.

There are many like you who feel this way. Don't ever feel bad about it. People deal with things in exactly this manner and still have happy, productive lives.

I'll never judge how someone chooses to deal with their pain. This is a very personal thing. <3

 

[redwood66]

azstonie, Thank you for that valuable information! I will be using it right now.

Scandinavian, I will never start screaming at him. I am too concerned for my son. And actually, it is my natural response to freeze.

LLJ, I am entertaining the idea of staying home from some of these events because of the toll it is taking on me. I always wanted to be my son's biggest fan. I will feel guilty if I miss his events.

Gypsy, thank you. I would have been victimized by our legal system for sure. He was older and had money. I was young, broke, and my family was in pieces. I was alone. When I look at it logically, I know there was no way I could have reported this.

Please no one take this the wrong way, but I have learnt in life that sometimes when something so atrocious happens to you, you should do your very best to put it behind you otherwise it will take over and rule your future. Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion.

There are many like you who feel this way. Don't ever feel bad about it. People deal with things in exactly this manner and still have happy, productive lives.

I'll never judge how someone chooses to deal with their pain. This is a very personal thing. <3

Thank you HC and as always - Hugs to you.

 

[Scandinavian]

azstonie, Thank you for that valuable information! I will be using it right now.

Scandinavian, I will never start screaming at him. I am too concerned for my son. And actually, it is my natural response to freeze.

I never meant to say that you should do anything you are uncomfortable with. Just wanted to support you and say that you should do whatever feels best for you in this very difficult situation. The world can be very unfair. Hugs.

 

[House Cat]

azstonie, Thank you for that valuable information! I will be using it right now.

Scandinavian, I will never start screaming at him. I am too concerned for my son. And actually, it is my natural response to freeze.

I never meant to say that you should do anything you are uncomfortable with. Just wanted to support you and say that you should do whatever feels best for you in this very difficult situation. The world can be very unfair. Hugs.

I know. Thank you. I really appreciate your support. I''m sorry if I came off wrong. <3

 

[Scandinavian]

azstonie, Thank you for that valuable information! I will be using it right now.

Scandinavian, I will never start screaming at him. I am too concerned for my son. And actually, it is my natural response to freeze.

I never meant to say that you should do anything you are uncomfortable with. Just wanted to support you and say that you should do whatever feels best for you in this very difficult situation. The world can be very unfair. Hugs.

I know. Thank you. I really appreciate your support. I''m sorry if I came off wrong. <3

Please don't be, you didn't. I just wanted to make sure you knew

 

[Calliecake]

Every therapist and Rape Counselor I saw after the attack said if you don't talk about it, it almost always comes back to haunt you years later. I agree people need to do what is best for them but I'm very glad I got help to deal with the aftermath. To me, it was a lifesaver.

House Cat, Please know we are here to support you. Please just tell us what you need and please know we are here. What you are going thru now is terrible. I feel your pain in your posts and am so sorry,

 

[Calliecake]

azstonie, Thank you for that valuable information! I will be using it right now.

Scandinavian, I will never start screaming at him. I am too concerned for my son. And actually, it is my natural response to freeze.

I never meant to say that you should do anything you are uncomfortable with. Just wanted to support you and say that you should do whatever feels best for you in this very difficult situation. The world can be very unfair. Hugs.

I know. Thank you. I really appreciate your support. I''m sorry if I came off wrong. <3

Please don't be, you didn't. I just wanted to make sure you knew

Scandi, Your tender heart comes thru in all your posts.

 

[Calliecake]

House Cat, Please, please don't beat yourself up about what you could of or should have done. No matter what you did or didn't do, you survived, That is the MOST important thing. Every person I have ever talked to has wished they would have done something different. I'm so grateful you are here and so grateful for all the love and support you always offer others. You truly are a gift Sweetheart!

 

[distracts]

lol at Ruby wondering why people are more upset about Trump than music. Music, while influencing culture, does not MAKE OR SIGN LAWS. That is why Trump is more important.

Plus FAR more people voted for Trump than bought even the most popular song of last year. (The most popular song of 2015 was, by the way, Mark Ronson/Bruno Mars's "Uptown Funk" and between 2015 and 2016 it has sold around 11 million copies in the US. Compare to over 62 million who voted for Trump.) And if you look at the most popular songs and albums, most of them have pretty inoffensive lyrics.

Please no one take this the wrong way, but I have learnt in life that sometimes when something so atrocious happens to you, you should do your very best to put it behind you otherwise it will take over and rule your future. Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion.

People heal differently. Obviously anyone sharing their stories here thinks sharing them is helpful to them, and probably finds people sharing back to also be helpful. I heal myself by sharing things, because locking them away just causes them to leak out when least expected, and hearing other people share, because knowing I'm not alone in having to deal with things like this makes me feel like I'll be ok, because all these amazing women whom I admire are doing great even though they too have dealt with something similar. If you find that sharing or reading about them does not help you, then click the back button when you encounter it. But for many of us, it IS helpful.

House Cat, I am so sorry to hear you are having to continually see your attacker. You are not a demon for wanting to move. While your son's feelings are important, so are yours. And yes, he might be affected by a move, but you are definitely being affected by encountering your attacker. I hope you can find a solution that gives you some peace.

 

[redwood66]

Please no one take this the wrong way, but I have learnt in life that sometimes when something so atrocious happens to you, you should do your very best to put it behind you otherwise it will take over and rule your future. Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion.

People heal differently. Obviously anyone sharing their stories here thinks sharing them is helpful to them, and probably finds people sharing back to also be helpful. I heal myself by sharing things, because locking them away just causes them to leak out when least expected, and hearing other people share, because knowing I'm not alone in having to deal with things like this makes me feel like I'll be ok, because all these amazing women whom I admire are doing great even though they too have dealt with something similar. If you find that sharing or reading about them does not help you, then click the back button when you encounter it. But for many of us, it IS helpful.

No. Because I post my opinion for all of those readers who do not post because they will be attacked by someone who does not agree. PS is not an exclusive club for victims of abuse to share stories, or to bash the president elect, or whatever other cause someone might have. I care deeply for those who have suffered abuse but everyone deals with it differently as you stated. Those that deal with it like Shondra mentioned are equally deserving of compassion just like everyone who shares. I will continue to post my opinion because there are people out there who agree with it - that might not be you but that is ok too.

Best wishes to all.

 

[ruby59]

Please no one take this the wrong way, but I have learnt in life that sometimes when something so atrocious happens to you, you should do your very best to put it behind you otherwise it will take over and rule your future. Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion.

People heal differently. Obviously anyone sharing their stories here thinks sharing them is helpful to them, and probably finds people sharing back to also be helpful. I heal myself by sharing things, because locking them away just causes them to leak out when least expected, and hearing other people share, because knowing I'm not alone in having to deal with things like this makes me feel like I'll be ok, because all these amazing women whom I admire are doing great even though they too have dealt with something similar. If you find that sharing or reading about them does not help you, then click the back button when you encounter it. But for many of us, it IS helpful.

No. Because I post my opinion for all of those readers who do not post because they will be attacked by someone who does not agree. PS is not an exclusive club for victims of abuse to share stories, or to bash the president elect, or whatever other cause someone might have. I care deeply for those who have suffered abuse but everyone deals with it differently as you stated. Those that deal with it like Shondra mentioned are equally deserving of compassion just like everyone who shares. I will continue to post my opinion because there are people out there who agree with it - that might not be you but that is ok too.

___________________________________________________________________________

Thank you Red for being the voice of those who are afraid to post here or no longer have much desire to do so because of the constant attack by a group who will not tolerate any opinion other than their own.

And it was gratifying to know that with the disgusting thread below this one, I was not the only one to report it.

Best wishes to all.

 

[Gypsy]

I don't know why it has to be either/or.

As Callie said: survival is the point.

I shared right after it happened and was punched in the fsce by rape culture: "You Must have done something wrong. You can be a flirt..."

And I had no capacity or ability to process what happened to me. So I didn't. Did I act out in unhealthy ways? Yes. But again at that time it wass about sheer survival not 'healthy.'

I confided in my husband when we started dating. And that helped a lot. So did his love and empathy.

But I still wasn't ready to process it though: the fact that I was a victim was not something I was ready to face. And I wasn't ready for 12 years after.

But when I was, I did.

There is enough judgement on victims as it is. Let's not add judgment about how they deal with trauma on top of it. And is a process, there are stages. For yes, for some that may mean holding it in-- forever or for a while.

I KNOW that it was necessary for me to process it. But even having done that... it is still a process, even now. It isn't something that you can make disappear. Therapy isn't an antibiotic. It isn't a cure. There is no real cure. You are always a victim of this. How you deal with that and stay sane... that's up to you. Not anyone else.

 

[redwood66]

It never is either/or Gypsy. We deal with it in the best way we can. And no particular way is wrong - its what's right for you personally. Hope you are feeling better today.

 

[Gypsy]

It never is either/or Gypsy. We deal with it in the best way we can. And no particular way is wrong - its what's right for you personally. Hope you are feeling better today.

Exactly. The onky part of Shondra's post I found objectionable was her judgement that therapy doesn't help anyone. I disagree with that. Just because it doesn't help one person, that doesn't mean it that is applicable to all.

 

[redwood66]

It never is either/or Gypsy. We deal with it in the best way we can. And no particular way is wrong - its what's right for you personally. Hope you are feeling better today.

Exactly. The onky part of Shondra's post I found objectionable was her judgement that therapy doesn't help anyone. I disagree with that. Just because it doesn't help one person, that doesn't mean it that is applicable to all.

I did not read judgement into her post. Especially since she said it was just her opinion - and she intro'd with a plead to not take it the wrong way. I don't think she meant that at all.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It never is either/or Gypsy. We deal with it in the best way we can. And no particular way is wrong - its what's right for you personally. Hope you are feeling better today.

Exactly. The onky part of Shondra's post I found objectionable was her judgement that therapy doesn't help anyone. I disagree with that. Just because it doesn't help one person, that doesn't mean it that is applicable to all.

There is stigma about getting therapy in general. I have seen it with patients and their families. In many ways it can be cultural. I have a friend who has many "black holes" in her memory from childhood. She knows they are from trauma but she does not remember nor does she wish to explore her past. It does not effect her as an adult. So she would be an example of someone who has moved on. However, if the past has negative effects on you today as evidenced by difficult relationships, poor coping skills, low frustration tolerance, stress management issues, etc...then therapy, yes that means talking about it, is necessary. Most of my patients have a trauma history. They find comfort in processing their angry, shame, guilt, sadness. I SEE IT. Group therapy is about sharing your experience, strength, and hope. Many in this thread have done that. Do not minimize the strength they get from sharing their stories. That is THEIR point of view. I believe we are only as sick as our secrets.

 

[redwood66]

I don't think anyone minimized the strength someone might gain from therapy or sharing here. I did not read that into Shondra's post. Hopefully she will come back but I would not blame her if she didn't.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I don't think anyone minimized the strength someone might gain from therapy or sharing here. I did not read that into Shondra's post. Hopefully she will come back but I would not blame her if she didn't.

Most communication is nonverbal which can make written communication tricky to interpret. I can only speak to my own reaction but when she said, "Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal." it felt, to me, minimizing. Many women on this thread have shared how they have healed in a "public way." I am a license professional that thinks discussing pain doesn't keep it alive but resolves much of the pain. Keeping it hidden is what often keeps pain alive. Shondra has the right to process her feelings the best way she sees. For her, sharing for mutual support is not necessary. I doubt posters disagreeing on this thread will keep her from PS. I think that's projecting a bit. She was not personally attacked. She shared a POV which disagreed with the majority but that doesn't mean the majority are not also allowed to share their POV in a respectful way.

 

[sstephensid]

I don't think anyone minimized the strength someone might gain from therapy or sharing here. I did not read that into Shondra's post. Hopefully she will come back but I would not blame her if she didn't.

Shondra said, "Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion."

Perhaps you take these words to mean something other than the literal meaning of her words? She had a right to her opinion. But we also have a right to point out her opinion is not supported by the medical community. In fact, many in the medical community believe bottling emotions up often have bad results.

It also seems very antiquated, to silence victims. Why, do you think it is shameful? Do you think discussions about what people have endured will cause more assaults? Does it make you uncomfortable? Would you say the same to someone else who has endured a tragic or traumatic event, such as a death of a child? Or is this special cloak of silence only meant for sexual assault victims?

 

[Gypsy]

I don't think anyone minimized the strength someone might gain from therapy or sharing here. I did not read that into Shondra's post. Hopefully she will come back but I would not blame her if she didn't.

Shondra said, "Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion."

That's pretty judgement in my book.

Is she had said, "Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing with the world and coming together in groups to discuss them, in my personal experience has not helped. I do not think the value of therapy is universal."

For example, that would have been fine. But she didn't say that.


Tomayto, tamahto.

Is it really a surprise redwood, after all this time, that we can read the same exact thing and interpret it so differently?