Couples, Sex, and Sexless Marriage/Relationships

[YadaYadaYada]

Granted it is a sensitive subject but after a few conversations with friends lately this is really on my mind.

One of my husband's friends was complaining yesterday that they have only had sex three times this year. Granted she is pregnant with their second child but from what I understand even when she isn't pregnant their sex life is very infrequent.

Another friend confided in me a year ago that she had not had sex in 18 months with her husband. Part of the reason was that he just was not attracted to her when she was pregnant and then I guess it just festered after that. In both of these instances, one spouse is unhappy with the frequency so it's not an agreed upon circumstance.

So this got me to thinking, is this the new norm? While is understandable that a lot of factors will influence a couples sex life but if we just look at an overall picture is infrequent sex just part of life these days?

When does a marriage or relationship go from infrequent to sexless?

I personally was shocked by 18 months, because for me that is a long time and I am not a hot ticket by any means. We have been together for 15 years, married for 10 and have two young kids but I would say we average 3 times a month. Even that I thought was on the low side but now I'm starting to think that's not so bad after all?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I consider sexual fulfillment an emotional need. Affection, conversation, recreational companionship, admiration, family commitment (there are others on my list) are all also emotional needs for me. My number one emotional need is conversation, followed closely by affection. Sexual fulfillment is probably third. It is, however, my husbands number one emotional need (not uncommon among men), thus it's an important element of our marriage. We have a lot of sex, but we both love having sex. We also have a ton of conversations (keeps my love bank full).

I don't generally ask my friends about their sex lives, but I do have a sister who is rarely intimate with her husband. I used to think they had an unhealthy marriage, but about a year ago I realized that sexual fulfillment is just a very low emotional need for both of them. They are completely content in their marriage without the sexual piece.

It sounds, however, like your husband's friend places sex pretty high on the list of needs and it just isn't happening. I wonder if he's doing what he can to meet his wife's emotional needs. I find that women in general are not all that keen on meeting their husband's needs if they aren't feeling the love themselves. It can be really frustrating for both parties and can definitely damage the marriage.

What makes me the most sad, though, is hearing that you should expect to lose that sexual spark over time. I completely disagree--I honestly believe that if you're prioritizing your marriage and sex is important to both of you, it's something that strengthens over time instead of fades. My husband and i have been together for 17 years this year, we work full time, we have 2 young kids who are involved in a ton of activities (read: we are busy!), but we absolutely make time for date night 2x per week, plus a date lunch to make sure we have plenty of time together. We also make sure to keep evenings open (the girls are in bed by 8pm) so we can focus on the things we love to do!

 

[jaysonsmom]

So this got me to thinking, is this the new norm? While is understandable that a lot of factors will influence a couples sex life but if we just look at an overall picture is infrequent sex just part of life these days?

I blame technology.Our parents and grandparents probably did not have tv's in the bedroom, definitely no cellphones or tablets to keep themselves entertained, So the entertain each other

 

[Laila619]

This is just my opinion and other people are free to disagree. But I think sex is really important in a marriage. Not THE most important, but still very important and necessary. Without it, you are basically just roommates/friends. Note: this doesn't apply to people who have physical impediments/restrictions to having sex. This applies to couples who physically are able to have sex but just choose not to. Especially when one spouse is not wanting to have sex and forcing the other spouse to remain sexless, it is really harmful IMO.

 

[Trekkie]

So this got me to thinking, is this the new norm? While is understandable that a lot of factors will influence a couples sex life but if we just look at an overall picture is infrequent sex just part of life these days?

I blame technology.Our parents and grandparents probably did not have tv's in the bedroom, definitely no cellphones or tablets to keep themselves entertained, So the entertain each other

Yup. I told my DH pretty early on that I didn't want a TV in our bedroom. I don't like competition.

 

[ame]

I think DH and I are the oddballs here. Yes we'd like to have more sex, but we'd much rather sleep or watch TV or, in general, loaf. We are both constantly goinggoinggoing and working long days, and we just are like..."bed is for sleeping. couch is for sleeping. every single everything that isn't where we eat or poop is for sleeping." It also does not help that we both hate our bodies right now because we both feel like whales and grossly unsexy. So, yea. Maybe if we didn't feel disgusting we'd have more drive?

Who knows.

I am also the least affectionate person on the planet. My parents said that has just always been the way I am. I don't want to spoon, I don't want to snuggle, I am weird about hugs and kissing, and in general, don't want anyone or anything touching me. GET OFF OF ME. lol I must be a makeup hoarding stereotypical man inside this body or something. I snuggle my littles, but that's about as much as I can take, and I am affectionate with them because they are tiny littles and are cute when they're not puking or shitting on me, or screaming crying in my face (fun) and in general need to be held or they'll like, die or something, and also generally want to climb on someone, and unless my dad is around, I am their favorite thing to climb that isn't the back of the f'ing couch or my parents' stairs.

 

[momhappy]

I don't know what the norm is, but I do hear plenty of my husband's male friends complain about how they never get sex from their wives. I would suspect it's quite common (the lack of sex).

 

[sonnyjane]

My desire is nonexistent. That doesn't mean we don't have sex, but it definitely feels like more of an obligation to me. Not sure if it's medication I'm on or what, but I'd be perfectly fine with never having it, like, ever again. I know that wouldn't be fair to DH though, so I pony up. I'd take a hot bath and sleep over sex any day though. On days when he says he's too tired, I quietly celebrate.

 

[monarch64]

The fact that a husband would complain to his friends about private marital relations is a bigger problem, to me, than the actual issue! That says to me that communication in the marriage has broken down so much that they are not even comfortable expressing their feelings about the lack of sex to each other. It's a dick move.

Depending on what is going on in our lives, we are either really fulfilled in that department or burning the candle at both ends so much that we don't have time and are too tired. It's never been a serious concern, but that's probably because we communicate with each other about it instead of complaining to other people.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

"About" sex (intercourse); one either brags or complains.

cheers--Sharon

 

[sonnyjane]

HI:

"About" sex (intercourse); one either brags or complains.

cheers--Sharon

And even within the same relationship, one might brag while the other complains

 

[YadaYadaYada]

The fact that a husband would complain to his friends about private marital relations is a bigger problem, to me, than the actual issue! That says to me that communication in the marriage has broken down so much that they are not even comfortable expressing their feelings about the lack of sex to each other. It's a dick move.

Depending on what is going on in our lives, we are either really fulfilled in that department or burning the candle at both ends so much that we don't have time and are too tired. It's never been a serious concern, but that's probably because we communicate with each other about it instead of complaining to other people.

Totally agree Monarch, my husband did not and as far as I know doesn't participate in this type of conversation. From what I could tell, the friend was venting to him, Lord knows he didn't ask. Funny thing is the other instance was a friend of mine and I did not ask or even initiate the conversation. I mean for me it's a private matter but I guess people have different standards of what is acceptable and how much detail about such things is appropriate with friends.

As an aside I know my husband in the past has suggested the friend talk to his wife and the friend says that he tries and she just gets upset and cries and nothing really gets resolved.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I think DH and I are the oddballs here. Yes we'd like to have more sex, but we'd much rather sleep or watch TV or, in general, loaf. We are both constantly goinggoinggoing and working long days, and we just are like..."bed is for sleeping. couch is for sleeping. every single everything that isn't where we eat or poop is for sleeping." It also does not help that we both hate our bodies right now because we both feel like whales and grossly unsexy. So, yea. Maybe if we didn't feel disgusting we'd have more drive?

Who knows.

I am also the least affectionate person on the planet. My parents said that has just always been the way I am. I don't want to spoon, I don't want to snuggle, I am weird about hugs and kissing, and in general, don't want anyone or anything touching me. GET OFF OF ME. lol I must be a makeup hoarding stereotypical man inside this body or something. I snuggle my littles, but that's about as much as I can take, and I am affectionate with them because they are tiny littles and are cute when they're not puking or shitting on me, or screaming crying in my face (fun) and in general need to be held or they'll like, die or something, and also generally want to climb on someone, and unless my dad is around, I am their favorite thing to climb that isn't the back of the f'ing couch or my parents' stairs.

Ame, I can so relate to this. My priorities are sleep, food and then sex is somewhere after lol! My husband would probably say sex, food, sleep. I will sleep anytime, anywhere, it's just that enjoyable.

 

[momhappy]

The fact that a husband would complain to his friends about private marital relations is a bigger problem, to me, than the actual issue! That says to me that communication in the marriage has broken down so much that they are not even comfortable expressing their feelings about the lack of sex to each other. It's a dick move.

Depending on what is going on in our lives, we are either really fulfilled in that department or burning the candle at both ends so much that we don't have time and are too tired. It's never been a serious concern, but that's probably because we communicate with each other about it instead of complaining to other people.

It's complaining done in joking sorts of ways. I've heard it quite frequently. Just this past weekend one of the husband's said he bought his wife a new car (that she picked out and it was quite a bit more than he planned on spending) and she was nice to him for, oh, about 12 hours....and still didn't give up any more than their usual once-every-6-months routine. I don't really consider it a dick move because I've heard wives do it too. Obviously, there's often bigger issues there.

 

[AGBF]

Marriages vary. And not just in France.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think it is a problem if both people aren't on the same page. I think sexual compatibility is REALLY important (whatever end of the spectrum you fall on). I also would be kinda ticked if my SO complained to his friends about me. I know this is an issue for lots of couples as it often comes up in family sessions I facilitate. I always encourage communication.

 

[iLander]

I don't think it's actually set in stone, I think it varies over the years. When kids are small, and work is demanding, it's more likely to be on the back burner. When things are less stressful, it becomes more of a priority. I think it varies from year to year, and people shouldn't count it, or keep score, or worry about it. If someone is unhappy, talk about it, the same way everything is talked about. But realize, like everything else, it changes over time.

32 years of experience talking. And the biggest surprise to me is how your life really does change over the years. One minute, you're knee-deep in diapers and baby smells, the next you haven't heard from your kids in a couple of weeks. Worrying over every skinned knee, to warning them not to drink (legally) and drive. A house full becomes a house quiet. That kind of surprises me, that your life phases can be so distinctly different.

So, I have learned to take the long view on everything.

 

[monarch64]

The fact that a husband would complain to his friends about private marital relations is a bigger problem, to me, than the actual issue! That says to me that communication in the marriage has broken down so much that they are not even comfortable expressing their feelings about the lack of sex to each other. It's a dick move.

Depending on what is going on in our lives, we are either really fulfilled in that department or burning the candle at both ends so much that we don't have time and are too tired. It's never been a serious concern, but that's probably because we communicate with each other about it instead of complaining to other people.

It's complaining done in joking sorts of ways. I've heard it quite frequently. Just this past weekend one of the husband's said he bought his wife a new car (that she picked out and it was quite a bit more than he planned on spending) and she was nice to him for, oh, about 12 hours....and still didn't give up any more than their usual once-every-6-months routine. I don't really consider it a dick move because I've heard wives do it too. Obviously, there's often bigger issues there.

Oh I understand that it is "joking." It is still disrespectful, in my opinion. When I lived in Chicago I worked with a woman who appeared on Oprah 3-4 times and during one of her appearances she joked that she and her husband only had sex once a month. He was livid. He was a well-established photographer in the suburbs and was terribly embarrassed by it. I would absolutely be mortified if my husband went behind my back and told anyone that he wasn't getting enough sex. How is it NOT a dick move? If both spouses are on the same page and joking about it, that's one thing. Stephanie Lynn says this husband can't talk to his wife about it without her crying. Something is going on there and it isn't right that he's venting or complaining to others while she is obviously suffering more than his testicles are. So maybe I should have said "ball move."

 

[House Cat]

I don't think it's actually set in stone, I think it varies over the years. When kids are small, and work is demanding, it's more likely to be on the back burner. When things are less stressful, it becomes more of a priority. I think it varies from year to year, and people shouldn't count it, or keep score, or worry about it. If someone is unhappy, talk about it, the same way everything is talked about. But realize, like everything else, it changes over time.

32 years of experience talking. And the biggest surprise to me is how your life really does change over the years. One minute, you're knee-deep in diapers and baby smells, the next you haven't heard from your kids in a couple of weeks. Worrying over every skinned knee, to warning them not to drink (legally) and drive. A house full becomes a house quiet. That kind of surprises me, that your life phases can be so distinctly different.

So, I have learned to take the long view on everything.

You are always so wise.

 

[madelise]

I don't think it's actually set in stone, I think it varies over the years. When kids are small, and work is demanding, it's more likely to be on the back burner. When things are less stressful, it becomes more of a priority. I think it varies from year to year, and people shouldn't count it, or keep score, or worry about it. If someone is unhappy, talk about it, the same way everything is talked about. But realize, like everything else, it changes over time.

32 years of experience talking. And the biggest surprise to me is how your life really does change over the years. One minute, you're knee-deep in diapers and baby smells, the next you haven't heard from your kids in a couple of weeks. Worrying over every skinned knee, to warning them not to drink (legally) and drive. A house full becomes a house quiet. That kind of surprises me, that your life phases can be so distinctly different.

So, I have learned to take the long view on everything.

You are always so wise.

I frequent another forum's sex subsection, and it all really varies. What's important is that even if YOU don't feel like it all the time, you still make an effort for your partner.

I've always been the youngest employee ever in all my jobs. As an 18-20 year old, I worked with women in their 40s and up. They always bitched about sex like its a chore, and talked about sex and oral as "birthday/Valentine's Day presents".


I find that so appalling. To start keeping score of how many BJs you give as a GIFT. Sex is not a gift. It's a shared experience.

 

[girlyglam]

I consider sexual fulfillment an emotional need. Affection, conversation, recreational companionship, admiration, family commitment (there are others on my list) are all also emotional needs for me. My number one emotional need is conversation, followed closely by affection. Sexual fulfillment is probably third. It is, however, my husbands number one emotional need (not uncommon among men), thus it's an important element of our marriage. We have a lot of sex, but we both love having sex. We also have a ton of conversations (keeps my love bank full).

Thank you for writing this - it really gives me a new perspective on how to look at sex. I've always considered sex important to a relationship, but I've always really only thought about it in terms of a physical need. Reframing it as an emotional need seems so obvious to me now, and it really makes so much sense!

 

[momhappy]

The fact that a husband would complain to his friends about private marital relations is a bigger problem, to me, than the actual issue! That says to me that communication in the marriage has broken down so much that they are not even comfortable expressing their feelings about the lack of sex to each other. It's a dick move.

Depending on what is going on in our lives, we are either really fulfilled in that department or burning the candle at both ends so much that we don't have time and are too tired. It's never been a serious concern, but that's probably because we communicate with each other about it instead of complaining to other people.

It's complaining done in joking sorts of ways. I've heard it quite frequently. Just this past weekend one of the husband's said he bought his wife a new car (that she picked out and it was quite a bit more than he planned on spending) and she was nice to him for, oh, about 12 hours....and still didn't give up any more than their usual once-every-6-months routine. I don't really consider it a dick move because I've heard wives do it too. Obviously, there's often bigger issues there.

Oh I understand that it is "joking." It is still disrespectful, in my opinion. When I lived in Chicago I worked with a woman who appeared on Oprah 3-4 times and during one of her appearances she joked that she and her husband only had sex once a month. He was livid. He was a well-established photographer in the suburbs and was terribly embarrassed by it. I would absolutely be mortified if my husband went behind my back and told anyone that he wasn't getting enough sex. How is it NOT a dick move? If both spouses are on the same page and joking about it, that's one thing. Stephanie Lynn says this husband can't talk to his wife about it without her crying. Something is going on there and it isn't right that he's venting or complaining to others while she is obviously suffering more than his testicles are. So maybe I should have said "ball move."

I don't consider it a dick move because in most of these instances, they are both on the same page. Often times, it will even happen in front of the spouse, so it's not necessarily done behind their backs. I think these are marriages that are not very happy ones (overall). The couples bicker, they joke about never having sex - it's a general lack of respect, which to me indicates serious marital troubles. I agree that it would not be cool to share private/sensitive information about your spouse behind their back (even in joking ways).

 

[momhappy]

I don't think it's actually set in stone, I think it varies over the years. When kids are small, and work is demanding, it's more likely to be on the back burner. When things are less stressful, it becomes more of a priority. I think it varies from year to year, and people shouldn't count it, or keep score, or worry about it. If someone is unhappy, talk about it, the same way everything is talked about. But realize, like everything else, it changes over time.

32 years of experience talking. And the biggest surprise to me is how your life really does change over the years. One minute, you're knee-deep in diapers and baby smells, the next you haven't heard from your kids in a couple of weeks. Worrying over every skinned knee, to warning them not to drink (legally) and drive. A house full becomes a house quiet. That kind of surprises me, that your life phases can be so distinctly different.

So, I have learned to take the long view on everything.

I totally agree with this. Sex, like life, ebbs and flows. Different circumstances could lead to different levels of intimacy.