How much compromise with e-ring?

[kenny]

Zero compromise.
Actually, I suspect everyone has zero.

Sure, I wanted a zillion carat D IF honker with the best light performance ...


... but getting the best of what I could afford is not a compromise.
The best of what I could afford is (overall) exactly what I wanted, and got.

Getting exactly what you want is not a compromise.

IOW I kind of think the question itself is broken.

 

[rainwood]

Daydream -

First, I want to commend you on your open-minded consideration of our comments and the thoughtfulness of your replies. They show a great deal of maturity and speak nothing but wonderful things about you. Your FF is a lucky man!!

And I totally get that you might not want to go the MRB route because of your sisters' jewelry. Even if we don't want to get caught up in comparison/competition, we're all human and with family it just sometimes happens. So kudos for thinking about it ahead of time. One thought on that. If the sister who would be helping is one of the ones with much larger stones and your FF is not really prepared for what his budget will buy, is it possible he might be even more disappointed? Even if your sister would never dream of saying anything, he might see what he could buy and compare it to the ring she's wearing, and then feel bad. I don't know if this is likely, but thought I'd raise it for you to ponder.

And now, here's my idea that's completely out of left field. You love your mother's .5 oval and how it sparkles, and you said it was from her original engagement ring which suggests she now has a different ER. Would she be willing to give it to you or sell it to you at a reduced price? You know you love it, it would be that unique shape you're seeking, and a family heirloom so there would be no reason for anyone to compare it to your sisters. And you could say "This was my mother's diamond and I've always loved it." Who wouldn't love that story? And it would give you more of the budget to devote to a setting you and your FF love.

What do you think? I know guys can sometimes be adamant about buying the diamond, but this solution just flashed out at me in neon as I read through your comments. It could be a win-win for everybody.

 

[lovedogs]

I wanted to show you this dk setting.

That is so pretty. Yellow gold? Check. Milgrain? Check. Bezel? Check. Obviously David Klass can execute a gorgeous bezel setting. Are his prices for custom pretty reasonable? I've always thought that custom would be out of budget for us.

And what stone is that? For a while, I entertained the idea of a sapphire center stone (I've always been partial to the gray/green color of Montanas). I think this stone in that setting would be divine: http://gemfix.com/gems/sapphire-montana-767

But that's opening up a whole different can of worms

His prices for custom are VERY reasonable. I wouldn't assume it's out of budget--depending on what you want (and whether you want diamond side-stones, platinum as a metal, etc) I think it will be affordable for you. Since you said you want yellow gold, the issue of how expensive plat is won't be an issue, and the bezel that Neil posted doesn't have diamond side stones, etc. I'd wager that this particular setting could be done for under 1K, maybe 800ish (obviously don't quote me on that, and it will depend on your center stone size, but that's my initial guess), and that seems to be within your budget. I'd 100% reach out to him if you are interested--he's incredibly kind and helpful, although if you don't get an email response I'd call because he's perpetually busy with customers.

ETA for some context, he recently quoted me in the 700-900 range for this style of ring in14 K with a 10mm round stone.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I would respect his budget but I wouldn't compromise on the e-ring style at all. When we started out, my hubby proposed without a ring, then gave me a $3k budget as well, and I did all the diamond searching and shopping knowing exactly how much I wanted to spend on the setting and how much I wanted to spend on the centerstone to achieve a ring that I would love to look at day in and day out. I came in just over budget at $3100 after tax, but what I received made me really really happy, for a long time, and he came with me the day the ring was completed and re-proposed in the parking lot of the jewelry store. For our 10 year anniversary, we did the exact same thing, he set the budget, I shopped away and when the final product was complete. He gets a lot of enjoyment watching me stare at my ring, and strangers admiring my ring and complimenting my ring. Other than that, he rarely looks at it. I'm the only person staring at my ring and taking pictures all day long!

 

[jaysonsmom]

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/rose-cut-shimmer.223196/ Did you see this beauty in SMTB?

very romantic and different kind of e-ring. Could be within budget since it is a warmer old cut.

 

[momhappy]

I could use some opinions on an admittedly very minor issue (I believe it's the very definition of a "first world problem").

For background, my boyfriend and I are starting to talk seriously about getting engaged within the next 6-12 months. Our relationship is great - we are both very considerate of each other's feelings, we compromise well and I feel so lucky because he is truly the kindest, sweetest man I've ever known. And funny as hell (but I digress...)

I told BF that the most important thing to me was getting the best quality stone for our budget (ideal cut, eye-clean, flexible on color, not from a mall store), even if that results in a smaller stone in a simple setting. The all-in budget will be about $2-3K.

Now to the issue at hand:

We seem to be clashing a bit on what the ring will look like. I would LOVE an oval or emerald cut diamond in a delicate yellow gold bezel, perhaps with milgrain and a unique basket. I feel like with an oval we would get nice face-up size, it would still be a bit unique and we could always dress it up with a stacking band or two.

Examples of what I like (obviously would be with a much more modest sized stone):
[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-new-vram-iris-solitaire.216262/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-new-vram-iris-solitaire.216262/[/URL]
[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/2-7c-cushion-in-rose-gold-milgrain-bezel-setting-from-erd.176615/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/2-7c-cushion-in-rose-gold-milgrain-bezel-setting-from-erd.176615/[/URL]
[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/james-meyer-bezel-reset-has-arrived.97999/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/james-meyer-bezel-reset-has-arrived.97999/[/URL]
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/28/a7/6e/28a76e4a6c14e5c79a0f94632dabce15.jpg)
http://www.brilliantearth.com/Sierra-Ring-Gold-BE126-1152426/?did=2164777&is_tab=1

The problem is that he doesn't like ovals or emerald cuts (he doesn't like asymmetry and therefore prefers rounds and cushions). He doesn't like when the head of a ring looks "plopped onto a band" and seems to really like cathedral settings. He's not too into bezels and he likes rings with side-stones, pave, etc. I don't hate those styles but I think I'm more budget-aware than he is. I've explained to him that the more you spend on a setting, the less you have for a center stone, but he seems determined to avoid anything "boring" and keeps saying he wants to "wow" me.

In one of my less-gracious moments, I said "I'm going to be wearing this my whole life, shouldn't it be what I want?" and his response was "Well I'll be looking at it my whole life too and shouldn't it be something we both like?" Darn, he makes a lot of sense...

Here's the question for you: When you were purchasing your engagement ring, how much compromise did you make with your SO on style? Is my frustration totally unreasonable? Should I be more open to compromising with him?

And bonus question: Does anyone have any examples of YG bezel settings that might have that little "something extra" that would excite my SO?

Whew! If you've read all of this, I congratulate you!

To be honest, I would compromise on things like price, but not at all on style. It really wouldn't matter to me if he didn't like a certain stone or setting because I am the one wearing the ring every day.

 

[rainydaze]

It never occurred to me that my future DH would choose a ring with his taste in mind, even a little bit. However, what I did expect was that he would determine what he could afford and was willing to pay, and that would direct aspects of his selection.

Our engagement was a surprise; we never shopped for rings together or discussed it. When I suspected we were on the same page, I sent him a little email letting him know I liked princess cuts and platinum, just in case that information would be handy, winky winky. He proposed with a princess solitaire in a platinum setting, the size, color, and clarity of which reflected what he was comfortable spending.

Since you have mentioned yellow gold and bezels... have you checked out James Meyer? His bezels are to die for (I have one!) and he has some in yg that are within your 3k budget. Click on each ring to open up more information about that particular ring. The last one in particular might interest you! It's a cushion (i.e. not round), yellow gold, bezel, and under 3k.

http://jamesmeyerjewelry.com/engagement-rings-2/

 

[girlyglam]

When DF and I were looking/talking about rings, our biggest compromise was on the stone itself. He was pretty set on NOT getting a diamond. I certainly appreciate a pretty diamond, but when I really thought about it, I found a diamond was not a make it or break it deal for me. There were quite a few factors that went brought me to this conclusion...the fact that I've always wanted an e-ring that's a bit outside the norm, my knowledge and understanding of his reasons for not wanting to go the diamond route, and our limited budget compared to what I know I would have wanted in a diamond. He actually really wanted to get me an alexandrite, my birthstone, and the reasons behind that were very sweet and sentimental, which also influenced my thoughts/feelings on a non-diamond center stone. Of course, an alexandrite really didn't provide a cost-savings when compared to a diamond, but I know I would have wanted a diamond outside our price range whereas I was willing to make many more concessions with an alex. Anyway, when I took all those factors into consideration, I realized I truly was OK going the non-diamond route. And once that was decided, I had total control over the whole thing - I picked the stone and the exact style I wanted. I did later get a diamond RHR, because I still wanted a diamond ring, BUT, I was willing to compromise a lot more on size, shape, and clarity with a RHR. It also wasn't regret that made me get the RHR...honestly, it was more greed, lol, because if I had a diamond e-ring, I know I would have still wanted a pretty CS ring. Anyway, I'm getting off topic...bottom line is that I LOVE my e-ring. In our case, the compromise was a really easy one because his big sticking point I wasn't really opposed to it to begin with. If, however, a diamond center stone had been a non-negotiable for me, I'm sure he would have "given in" and gotten me a diamond (but I would have then had to make compromises on the kind of diamond I wanted in order to keep within budget).

I think what you need to decide is just how important is the style to you? If you don't get it, will you be OK or in the back of your mind will you always wish you had the style you REALLY wanted? Are there any elements that you have your heart set on vs. elements you could compromise on? Maybe a milgrain bezel has grabbed your hear but you could compromise with going for a cathedral setting? Or, maybe you both compromise on engraving instead of pave or plain shank? Or, maybe you have your heart set on all of it, and at the end of the day, you just wouldn't love what he wants nearly as much as you would love what you want. In any case, I would consider all of those things and have another discussion with him.

One last note - it seems like his main concern is giving you something "boring", but there are tons out there that can be done without pave, side stones, etc. and not be boring, so I definitely think it's worth showing him all the beautiful possibilities out there. My personal style is actually somewhat opposite to yours - I love halos, pave, prongs, and white gold, but goodness, that David Klass YG sapphire ring is one of the most stunning rings I've ever seen!

 

[daydream believer]

I'm not really interested in how people are taught to subscribe to gender roles. I would be incredibly offended if DH felt his opinion in my e-ring was more important than mine, and I would consider that to be a red flag. If the boyfriend truly does believe that what he wants is more important -- then I would hope he found a girl who wanted to be surprised or her ring chosen for her. That's compatibility. OP has indicated that's not the case for her.

OP, I hope you and your boyfriend find a solution for you both.

liaerfby, I appreciate you bringing up this point, and I can tell you have my best interest at heart. I should be fair to my BF and point out that I don't think he believes his opinion is more important than mine, but he may not understand where my preferences are coming from.

I think BF sees our friends' engagement rings and the recent trend of engagement rings in our area (halos are extremely common, and they typically have pave all away around the band) and I think when he saw what I was interested in, he was a little surprised. His reaction was along the lines of "but don't you want any diamonds around the edges or down the band? Something to give it more sparkle??" I worry that he thinks I'm simplifying my taste due to budget but I need to be more clear to him that even if we had a way higher budget, I would likely be asking for the same thing but with a bigger stone.

His hangups about ovals strike me as very silly, but as I'm a pretty easy-going person by nature, I don't think he truly understands how much I love them. An earnest conversation without a lot of dancing around the subject is definitely in order. Thank you for helping me think more clearly about all of this.

 

[daydream believer]

Zero compromise.
Actually, I suspect everyone has zero.

Sure, I wanted a zillion carat D IF honker with the best light performance ...


... but getting the best of what I could afford is not a compromise.
The best of what I could afford is (overall) exactly what I wanted, and got.

Getting exactly what you want is not a compromise.

IOW I kind of think the question itself is broken.

Fair point, Kenny! If there were no budget in play, a large canary diamond would be in order. But the honest truth is that at this point in our lives, I wouldn't want something more expensive. We're young, travel is a big priority for us, and a family is probably in the cards in a few years' time. What I want most is something given out of love that is beautiful, high quality and in a price range where we both feel comfortable with the expense.

 

[daydream believer]

Daydream -

First, I want to commend you on your open-minded consideration of our comments and the thoughtfulness of your replies. They show a great deal of maturity and speak nothing but wonderful things about you. Your FF is a lucky man!!

And I totally get that you might not want to go the MRB route because of your sisters' jewelry. Even if we don't want to get caught up in comparison/competition, we're all human and with family it just sometimes happens. So kudos for thinking about it ahead of time. One thought on that. If the sister who would be helping is one of the ones with much larger stones and your FF is not really prepared for what his budget will buy, is it possible he might be even more disappointed? Even if your sister would never dream of saying anything, he might see what he could buy and compare it to the ring she's wearing, and then feel bad. I don't know if this is likely, but thought I'd raise it for you to ponder.

And now, here's my idea that's completely out of left field. You love your mother's .5 oval and how it sparkles, and you said it was from her original engagement ring which suggests she now has a different ER. Would she be willing to give it to you or sell it to you at a reduced price? You know you love it, it would be that unique shape you're seeking, and a family heirloom so there would be no reason for anyone to compare it to your sisters. And you could say "This was my mother's diamond and I've always loved it." Who wouldn't love that story? And it would give you more of the budget to devote to a setting you and your FF love.

What do you think? I know guys can sometimes be adamant about buying the diamond, but this solution just flashed out at me in neon as I read through your comments. It could be a win-win for everybody.

You're very sweet for saying that. I asked for opinions and appreciate the diversity in responses I have gotten so far. All good perspectives that I hope will lead to a thoughtful conversation with my BF.

Your question about my sister helping out is a very good one and something I hadn't thought about. For some background, my family is very high achieving, so picture doctors, lawyers, investment bankers, etc. and you're on the right track. My BF and I are the youngest in both our families and are definitely the "artsy, free spirited" couple (we both work in the corporate world, but we took the more creative route professionally). With that in mind, we both seem to understand that our lifestyle will always be slightly different from that of my family. We're definitely not paupers, but our priorities are different and it works for us. I like to call us "affluent adjacent"

Back to the ring shopping, I don't picture BF getting intimidated by my sister's bling, nor do I see her pushing him out of his comfort zone. But because both of my sisters have traditional six or four-prong RB solitaires, I find myself itching for something a bit different. Now that I think about it, I really should explain that line of thinking to him because I don't think he would come to that conclusion on his own and it may help him understand where I'm coming from.

I love your idea about my mom's diamond and believe me, if I thought I could pry it off her finger, I would in a heartbeat! But she had it reset with diamonds from my grandmother's ring and it serves as her favorite right hand ring. But she does let me play with it whenever we're together

 

[daydream believer]

lovedogs Thanks for the ballpark on custom work with David Klass. I'll of course keep in mind that it could differ, but it's nice to know that it might not be totally out of reach for us. That amethyst ring is to die for! Both the setting and the stone. I think that swirly profile is something that would appeal to BF's desire for something with a little more style. Up to this point, I've been showing him very linear settings with crisp lines, but I like swirls and curlicues.

jaysonsmom There is a tiny part of me that would love to be really involved in selecting the actual ring the way you were. He just wants so badly to be heavily involved and to be able to surprise me even just a little in the final moment. As I mentioned earlier, he is on the creative side so he pays attention to things like this. I should also note that he hasn't had any missteps in terms of previous gifts, so he has a solid track record! I think where I am compromising now is giving him a decent framework for him to work within.

And I DID see that rose cut last week. I've never seen one in person but I would love to see what they are like in person on the hand, because that ring is pretty amazing. There's just something so ethereal about it.

momhappy Thanks for weighing in! I think it's a totally fair perspective. He has mentioned wanting a two-tone yellow and white gold wedding ring, and I would never insist that he have an all yellow gold ring, even if it's aesthetically more pleasing to me.

rainydaze Why did I think James Meyer was no longer creating rings? Did I imagine that? One of my links in the OP was to Coati's ring, so I'm thrilled by this discovery! That last ring is lovely and proves to me that a smaller cushion can look fantastic in a bezel. I hadn't seen many cushions of that size in a bezel setting, which is partly why I had put them on the backburner.

girlyglam Your post really stuck out to me, because I feel like there are different tiers of importance for the different elements of a ring. I think, for example, I would never be happy with a white gold or platinum ring just because of how it appears on my skin. BF is in full agreement there, so that's great. Next up would be center stone material. I'm actually very open to diamonds, spinel and sapphires, but BF seems to greatly prefer diamonds, so because that's not a sticking point for me, I will happily go the diamond route.

I think the key will be to decide where the importance lay for things like stone shape, bezel vs. prong, etc. Fortunately, I don't really like peg heads either and prefer heads that are integrated into the band a little more fluidly, so I think BF and I will easily be able to find common ground there. I think your approach is ultimately where I am in my comfort zone on compromise. There are some fundamental areas that are pretty non-negotiable, but I think through trying rings on and looking at pictures, we should be able to find something that makes us both happy.

I could honestly see my BF getting really excited over the prospect of working with someone like David Klass to design and execute a ring. It would appeal to his creative side while still incorporating my favorite elements and I'm sure he would love the romantic idea of having a ring custom designed to meet my exact tastes.

 

[lovedogs]

lovedogs Thanks for the ballpark on custom work with David Klass. I'll of course keep in mind that it could differ, but it's nice to know that it might not be totally out of reach for us. That amethyst ring is to die for! Both the setting and the stone. I think that swirly profile is something that would appeal to BF's desire for something with a little more style. Up to this point, I've been showing him very linear settings with crisp lines, but I like swirls and curlicues.


I could honestly see my BF getting really excited over the prospect of working with someone like David Klass to design and execute a ring. It would appeal to his creative side while still incorporating my favorite elements and I'm sure he would love the romantic idea of having a ring custom designed to meet my exact tastes.

Yeah, that ring is definitely one of my favs, and obviously could be made in any color metal. I do think its a great compromise between bezel style and "ornate" settings. I do think that maybe working with DK would be a nice experience for your BF, especially if you have a few inspiration rings from DK that your BF can start with (like the one posted by Neil and maybe the Amethyst as well). I think that would make the whole process feel more personalized and definitely more romantic and unique. Maybe that's a perfect compromise!

 

[packrat]

You'd have to buy the stone from JM, too-he doesn't work w/outside stones anymore. Sadly. B/c I've got a chrysoberyl that would look amazing in his bezels. Sigh.

When I was first deciding on engraving for the ering and the wedding ring, I would suggest something and JD would give his opinion. Sometimes in the form of eye rolling and sometimes he'd give me a raspberry. He said instead of looking for words/phrases, to find a design. That's not what I saw in my head tho. Finally, he asked why I cared what he thought since it was my ring. I'm like um der, b/c you're my husband-I want you to like it too? So he asked what I wanted the set to reflect. I said I wanted the set to reflect us as a couple. He said ok, soooo figure out what *sounds* like us. So that's what I did. And when I told him what I wanted, he started laughing and said "I want to tell you that's dumb but..that's pretty awesome"

I have an AVC three stone in a sleek bezel setting based on Coati's OEC Single Stone setting. It's simple, it's sort of "out of the every day" w/the modern feel of the setting and the antique feel of the AVC's, but it's not ornate or fussy in any way. The engraving on the inside of the three stone says "as you wish" and the engraving on the outside of the wedding band says "mawage is wot bwings us togevah today". We've been married 15 years this November and I've had my (forever) set four years this October. I never tire of looking at it, and it makes me grin all the time. I'm pretty fricken proud of it.

I had pretty much full control over what I wanted, tho I did ask him for help/opinions/thoughts on things. He was still involved in the process, tho he probably couldn't have cared less, he didn't want to sway me on things b/c ultimately it's my ring. His concern was more centered on making sure I was happy, rather than making sure it was perfect for him.

Sometimes I think it becomes more about the proposal itself and the surprise and more about the guy, than it does about what the proposal means and what it stands for. When my brother and his (now ex) wife were talking about marriage, I'd ask questions about what she liked and he'd say "She likes this, but I was thinking this. She likes that but I like this other" etc. When I suggested she have a little more input, the heels dug in and he said "i want it to be special and I want to do this and that for the proposal, i want everything to be a surprise" My husband (luckily he and my brother are best friends ha!) asked if he was proposing to make an impression on her and everyone else or proposing b/c he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life w/her, and if it was about him, or about them as a couple. If the ring was for her or something he was presenting to her w/some grand notion in his head, making her be the "girl" rather than the "equal". My brother was kinda pissed. Now granted, JD and I are not romantic in the warm fuzzies sense. We're more the "I know she loves me b/c she doesn't smother me in my sleep when I snore" type. The willpower...you have no idea...

Sorry. I get a little wordy about this. I've gotten a LOT of flack (not here) for having the "audacity" to step outside the "norm" and demand a say in what I have, that I went over the top, taking the "responsibility" from JD. Someone, who was my best friend, told me that I was a bit ridiculous in what I wanted, and what I spent, and it's the "guy's job", she would've been satisfied w/just a silver band from Walmart. That's not what she has. But whatever, it's all fine well and good if it's what YOU want. I don't want to be satisfied, like "that'll do", I wanted a ham and cheese croissant but I guess the bacon and egg biscuit will satisfy me. I want to look at my ring and and feel like my husband gets me, he wants me to be giddy about my ring, and feel like I could touch the moon. I want to cheese out when I look at it. And I still do, almost four years later.

 

[monarch64]

I will probably get fired from Pricescope for saying this, but ...it's just a ring.

If you read through the thousands of threads here about women upgrading their stones, settings, stones and settings, you might start to see that a lot of people don't begin with their OMG Super Dream Ring. If you still want your dream ring, that's cool, too.

So many things in life happen after engagement, after the wedding, after everything that happens after that, and the ring can become the least of your worries or cares. I think it's great that you posted here looking for feedback--this community is nothing short of awesome for the sort of answers you're looking for.

I have been a jewelry and diamond lover most of my life, like, since I was a child. I started working in jewelry (maybe not what some here would consider upscale, but the same industry--the store I worked for brought their diamonds in from Harry Winston) before I was 21. Prior to that I was exposed to lovely gems, diamonds, and jewelry at a young age through relatives who sort of imposed their passion on me. So when I accepted a proposal the first time, I was underwhelmed and quickly cut off the relationship. The next time, I was also underwhelmed by the ring, but accepted and then, the damn jeweler my ex worked with goaded me into a wedding band I didn't really love. By the time I divorced and was talking marriage with my current husband, who is my soulmate and the love of my life, I was just kind of tired of all of it, and I let him do all the work. He chose wisely with my stone, but I did not love the setting the jeweler he used thought best complemented the stone. That was ...6 years ago? I love it NOW. Basically, it doesn't suck in any way, it does complement the stone, and it has made it through years of work, gardening, a now 4-year-old, and a lot of carelessness on my part! My ring has grown on me. I never thought I'd say that, years ago.

But! If it means that much to you, it is only fair that your partner understands that and takes it into consideration when choosing your ring. I am giving you my perspective because you came here looking for them, and I felt I had something a little different to offer. I wish you both the best in finding the perfect option for BOTH of you. And, I look forward to hearing all about the ring, proposal, wedding planning, and the big day. Welcome to PS!

 

[momhappy]

lovedogs Thanks for the ballpark on custom work with David Klass. I'll of course keep in mind that it could differ, but it's nice to know that it might not be totally out of reach for us. That amethyst ring is to die for! Both the setting and the stone. I think that swirly profile is something that would appeal to BF's desire for something with a little more style. Up to this point, I've been showing him very linear settings with crisp lines, but I like swirls and curlicues.

jaysonsmom There is a tiny part of me that would love to be really involved in selecting the actual ring the way you were. He just wants so badly to be heavily involved and to be able to surprise me even just a little in the final moment. As I mentioned earlier, he is on the creative side so he pays attention to things like this. I should also note that he hasn't had any missteps in terms of previous gifts, so he has a solid track record! I think where I am compromising now is giving him a decent framework for him to work within.

And I DID see that rose cut last week. I've never seen one in person but I would love to see what they are like in person on the hand, because that ring is pretty amazing. There's just something so ethereal about it.

momhappy Thanks for weighing in! I think it's a totally fair perspective. He has mentioned wanting a two-tone yellow and white gold wedding ring, and I would never insist that he have an all yellow gold ring, even if it's aesthetically more pleasing to me.

rainydaze Why did I think James Meyer was no longer creating rings? Did I imagine that? One of my links in the OP was to Coati's ring, so I'm thrilled by this discovery! That last ring is lovely and proves to me that a smaller cushion can look fantastic in a bezel. I hadn't seen many cushions of that size in a bezel setting, which is partly why I had put them on the backburner.

girlyglam Your post really stuck out to me, because I feel like there are different tiers of importance for the different elements of a ring. I think, for example, I would never be happy with a white gold or platinum ring just because of how it appears on my skin. BF is in full agreement there, so that's great. Next up would be center stone material. I'm actually very open to diamonds, spinel and sapphires, but BF seems to greatly prefer diamonds, so because that's not a sticking point for me, I will happily go the diamond route.

I think the key will be to decide where the importance lay for things like stone shape, bezel vs. prong, etc. Fortunately, I don't really like peg heads either and prefer heads that are integrated into the band a little more fluidly, so I think BF and I will easily be able to find common ground there. I think your approach is ultimately where I am in my comfort zone on compromise. There are some fundamental areas that are pretty non-negotiable, but I think through trying rings on and looking at pictures, we should be able to find something that makes us both happy.

I could honestly see my BF getting really excited over the prospect of working with someone like David Klass to design and execute a ring. It would appeal to his creative side while still incorporating my favorite elements and I'm sure he would love the romantic idea of having a ring custom designed to meet my exact tastes.

I guess this is just a really odd topic for me. It never occurred to me that a guy would insist on certain styles of rings. I understand that he's paying for it, but since the ring is meant as a gift for you, then why on Earth would he choose what he wants I view it as any other gift. When you choose a gift for someone, you choose what they want, not what you want....

 

[daydream believer]

I guess this is just a really odd topic for me. It never occurred to me that a guy would insist on certain styles of rings. I understand that he's paying for it, but since the ring is meant as a gift for you, then why on Earth would he choose what he wants I view it as any other gift. When you choose a gift for someone, you choose what they want, not what you want....

Yeah, I tend to agree with you. He's a photographer and, as long as I could afford it, I would never dream of buying him a different lens than the one he wants just because I like it better.

I gave some more context in earlier posts, but he's definitely not saying "it's my way or the highway." I think he just thought I would want something with more bling. I do have some costume jewelry pieces that are more ornate, but my day-to-day jewelry is very simple, delicate and classic "with a twist." I think he was expecting me to want something with more going on, hence his pushback.

 

[daydream believer]

You'd have to buy the stone from JM, too-he doesn't work w/outside stones anymore. Sadly. B/c I've got a chrysoberyl that would look amazing in his bezels. Sigh.

When I was first deciding on engraving for the ering and the wedding ring, I would suggest something and JD would give his opinion. Sometimes in the form of eye rolling and sometimes he'd give me a raspberry. He said instead of looking for words/phrases, to find a design. That's not what I saw in my head tho. Finally, he asked why I cared what he thought since it was my ring. I'm like um der, b/c you're my husband-I want you to like it too? So he asked what I wanted the set to reflect. I said I wanted the set to reflect us as a couple. He said ok, soooo figure out what *sounds* like us. So that's what I did. And when I told him what I wanted, he started laughing and said "I want to tell you that's dumb but..that's pretty awesome"

I have an AVC three stone in a sleek bezel setting based on Coati's OEC Single Stone setting. It's simple, it's sort of "out of the every day" w/the modern feel of the setting and the antique feel of the AVC's, but it's not ornate or fussy in any way. The engraving on the inside of the three stone says "as you wish" and the engraving on the outside of the wedding band says "mawage is wot bwings us togevah today". We've been married 15 years this November and I've had my (forever) set four years this October. I never tire of looking at it, and it makes me grin all the time. I'm pretty fricken proud of it.

I had pretty much full control over what I wanted, tho I did ask him for help/opinions/thoughts on things. He was still involved in the process, tho he probably couldn't have cared less, he didn't want to sway me on things b/c ultimately it's my ring. His concern was more centered on making sure I was happy, rather than making sure it was perfect for him.

Sometimes I think it becomes more about the proposal itself and the surprise and more about the guy, than it does about what the proposal means and what it stands for. When my brother and his (now ex) wife were talking about marriage, I'd ask questions about what she liked and he'd say "She likes this, but I was thinking this. She likes that but I like this other" etc. When I suggested she have a little more input, the heels dug in and he said "i want it to be special and I want to do this and that for the proposal, i want everything to be a surprise" My husband (luckily he and my brother are best friends ha!) asked if he was proposing to make an impression on her and everyone else or proposing b/c he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life w/her, and if it was about him, or about them as a couple. If the ring was for her or something he was presenting to her w/some grand notion in his head, making her be the "girl" rather than the "equal". My brother was kinda pissed. Now granted, JD and I are not romantic in the warm fuzzies sense. We're more the "I know she loves me b/c she doesn't smother me in my sleep when I snore" type. The willpower...you have no idea...

Sorry. I get a little wordy about this. I've gotten a LOT of flack (not here) for having the "audacity" to step outside the "norm" and demand a say in what I have, that I went over the top, taking the "responsibility" from JD. Someone, who was my best friend, told me that I was a bit ridiculous in what I wanted, and what I spent, and it's the "guy's job", she would've been satisfied w/just a silver band from Walmart. That's not what she has. But whatever, it's all fine well and good if it's what YOU want. I don't want to be satisfied, like "that'll do", I wanted a ham and cheese croissant but I guess the bacon and egg biscuit will satisfy me. I want to look at my ring and and feel like my husband gets me, he wants me to be giddy about my ring, and feel like I could touch the moon. I want to cheese out when I look at it. And I still do, almost four years later.

Do not apologize for being wordy - I enjoyed your story! You and JD remind me a lot of one of our close couple friends, so it was very easy to visualize this whole exchange. Also, The Princess Bride is probably my all time favorite movie so the "as you wish" engraving had me like

I feel like you all are giving me the courage to be a little firm. BF and I are very accommodating of each other and usually, we're so similar that we don't have to compromise much because we both want the same things. But I think in this case, I really do not want to be three years down the road looking down at my ring and wishing I had been more assertive. I know that ultimately, it's just a ring. But, I will hopefully have and wear it all my life and I want to love it.

 

[daydream believer]

I will probably get fired from Pricescope for saying this, but ...it's just a ring.

If you read through the thousands of threads here about women upgrading their stones, settings, stones and settings, you might start to see that a lot of people don't begin with their OMG Super Dream Ring. If you still want your dream ring, that's cool, too.

So many things in life happen after engagement, after the wedding, after everything that happens after that, and the ring can become the least of your worries or cares. I think it's great that you posted here looking for feedback--this community is nothing short of awesome for the sort of answers you're looking for.

I have been a jewelry and diamond lover most of my life, like, since I was a child. I started working in jewelry (maybe not what some here would consider upscale, but the same industry--the store I worked for brought their diamonds in from Harry Winston) before I was 21. Prior to that I was exposed to lovely gems, diamonds, and jewelry at a young age through relatives who sort of imposed their passion on me. So when I accepted a proposal the first time, I was underwhelmed and quickly cut off the relationship. The next time, I was also underwhelmed by the ring, but accepted and then, the damn jeweler my ex worked with goaded me into a wedding band I didn't really love. By the time I divorced and was talking marriage with my current husband, who is my soulmate and the love of my life, I was just kind of tired of all of it, and I let him do all the work. He chose wisely with my stone, but I did not love the setting the jeweler he used thought best complemented the stone. That was ...6 years ago? I love it NOW. Basically, it doesn't suck in any way, it does complement the stone, and it has made it through years of work, gardening, a now 4-year-old, and a lot of carelessness on my part! My ring has grown on me. I never thought I'd say that, years ago.

But! If it means that much to you, it is only fair that your partner understands that and takes it into consideration when choosing your ring. I am giving you my perspective because you came here looking for them, and I felt I had something a little different to offer. I wish you both the best in finding the perfect option for BOTH of you. And, I look forward to hearing all about the ring, proposal, wedding planning, and the big day. Welcome to PS!

Thank you for the warm welcome and for some much needed perspective. You're right. It's just a ring. There will be so many difficult decisions he and I make together and this will seem trivial in the rear view mirror.

I've been lurking on PS for about 8 years, and there has never been ONE RING that I saw where I was like "This! This is it! I must have this exact ring!" I'm fortunate that my taste has some wiggle room. There have been plenty of rings that I could picture loving and wearing every day, but there are some definite themes. I think being able to clearly illustrate to BF what I am hoping for will help tremendously, because right now he's still relatively clueless. I think once he sees how fine craftsmanship and the beauty of a center stone can be showcased in a "simple" bezel setting. Fingers crossed

 

[vintagelover229]

What about this?

http://jamesmeyerjewelry.com/1513-6/

Eta:should have read the thread, it was suggested already! Great minds lol!

Keep an eye out for a preloved stone then habe DK make you something. Also there's a stunning .93 O OEC in a hand forged erika winters YG setting on LT for like 2k?

 

[ame]

Uh, I didn't? And I don't really at all? I think that's a nice luxury in my case. DH is pretty damn cool with my jewelry. Now that the drama is behind us anyway. I think I was in kind of a unique situation in that DH knows how I am about jewelry and diamonds, as in, I know a ton and I don't do surprises. I DETEST surprises. The only good surprises that I was on board with were cleared ahead of time: the inscription would be a surprise, and the proposal would be a surprise. It wasn't entirely a surprise though. He felt it was incredibly important that we be involved in the budget together, as we were joining a household, and that I select everything about the ring so that I get exactly what I want, and then he'd go in and finalize everything when he was ready to propose. Which basically meant "I will go back this weekend and pay for it without you there since I emailed the guy and told him what I want. Then I will do the worst job ever hiding it in my apartment, aka, leave it on the counter where you can see it and be taunted by it for the next three weeks."

I picked a selection of stones that met with my approval, and he was actually "disappointed" that I didn't pick the largest one that we looked at (I loved it but it was huge to me -- ironically about the same size I wear now -- and double in price of what we spent in the end) for my selection. He did choose the largest one I "approved" though. We had a ton of issues getting the ring itself done well, so we spent more than intended on setting issues, but the diamond itself was not at all an issue. I wore that til it was stolen at the gym with my purse, etc. (When the cops came to get me, and I realized what had happened and that my rings were gone, I was a ridiculous heap on the parking lot in the fetal position, I don't think the cops knew what to do. It was a trip, I am sure, for anyone that saw me.)

 

[VRBeauty]

A clarification on James Meyer: he has some pre-made rings available as shown on his website, and he will custom-make new rings using stones he owns. He will no longer make rings to order using stones provided by the customer.

I don't really have anything to add but this - as long as you're working within his budget, it's not selfish to want a ring that you'll enjoy wearing and looking at, and that reflects your tastes.

And a totally off-topic observation/question. A well-cut oval or emerald will be a symmetrical stone - see one-line symmetry or two-line symmetry. And if symmetry is the reason for wanting a round stone... I have to wonder if there's a little OCD going on? Just something to be aware of, if so...

 

[Laila619]

My two cents:

If he is paying for it, you compromise on budget. And THAT'S IT!! Everything else should basically be what you want.

As someone who accepted a ring I hated and didn't have any say in, please don't go down the road I did. It causes a lot of resentment.

That said, I also agree with Monnie. It's just a ring. Down the road, it will become so unimportant.

 

[packrat]

Monnie's post made me want to add something. I didn't have my forever setting until 2012-we got married in 2001. I had three before this set. The set he proposed with, which the teeny little chip fell out and Kay's were jerks about the whole thing in general, then I bought my own set when we got married...aaaand then I found PS, had a spinel solitaire made, didn't love it, and then finally got this set. None of them were things tho, that I was just "satisfied" with--I loved them like gangbusters at the time.

 

[blackprophet]

If there were no budget in play, a large canary diamond would be in order.

If you want a yellow diamond, why not get a yellow diamond? It wont be large, but I don't think there is a huge price premium on a yellow stone.
Example here: http://www.leibish.com/yellow-diamonds/fancy-yellow-oval-26111

 

[daydream believer]

If there were no budget in play, a large canary diamond would be in order.

If you want a yellow diamond, why not get a yellow diamond? It wont be large, but I don't think there is a huge price premium on a yellow stone.
Example here: http://www.leibish.com/yellow-diamonds/fancy-yellow-oval-26111

I've actually thought about that quite a bit. Diamonds by Lauren has quite a few ready-made rings within our price range that have caught my eye recently. Definitely something to consider as it would give it that unique twist we're both looking for.

 

[Gypsy]

In one of my less-gracious moments, I said "I'm going to be wearing this my whole life, shouldn't it be what I want?" and his response was "Well I'll be looking at it my whole life too and shouldn't it be something we both like?" Darn, he makes a lot of sense...

No he doesn't make a lot of sense. Do you approve all his clothes? Do you get to tell him he can't have a car he likes? What if you don't like SUVs and Trucks and that's the only thing he likes. Is he going to give up the car he likes because you might have to see it everyday? Or worse, drive it occasionally?

Don't be silly. Of course he won't. AND (this is the important part) YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT HIM TO. Why? Because it's not your freaking car.

Get what you like within reason. He can LEARN TO LOVE IT. Why? Because it is your ring and it makes you happy. And is where his priority needs to be.

You aren't being unreasonable. Frankly, he is.

And I'm sorry it's more than just a ring. It's about him learning to compromise what he wants on a gift FOR YOU, that you will be wearing. I'm not saying he's not a good man. I'm sure he is. But engagement is practice for marriage and unless you want to have to get his approval for every darned thing just because he might have to look at it, you are in for a long complicated life.

 

[blackprophet]

If there were no budget in play, a large canary diamond would be in order.

If you want a yellow diamond, why not get a yellow diamond? It wont be large, but I don't think there is a huge price premium on a yellow stone.
Example here: http://www.leibish.com/yellow-diamonds/fancy-yellow-oval-26111

I've actually thought about that quite a bit. Diamonds by Lauren has quite a few ready-made rings within our price range that have caught my eye recently. Definitely something to consider as it would give it that unique twist we're both looking for.

DBL is a reputable seller, and I think they have a bench too, so I think you FF could work with them if he wanted to go the custom route.
Just wanted to say yellow diamonds are not unobtainable. I just watched the video of the one I linked and loved it, but I am admittedly not an oval (or yellow) expert.

I never answered your OP. I am a guy and I wanted to give total control my to my SO. She wouldn't have that, she wanted to be surprised. But we consulted and figured out what she wanted (very loosely) and then put my spin on it in my budget. Luckily she loved it. But from everything you said, I don't think your SO wants you to have a ring that you don't like but he does. So I don't think you are being unreasonable. It doesn't sound to me like you have figured out your balance sheet. You should know what is non-negotiable, and what is negotiable. Its OK to have non-negotiables. Compromise is a two way street. Maybe you should take a step back and figure out what is no your negotiable/non-negotiable list. That will make discussion, negotiation and compromise so much easier.

You shouldn't have to compromise on your non-negotiables for something that you will wear every day for the rest of your life and be in love with. Because if the non-negotiables are not there, chances of you loving it unconditionally plummet considerably.

 

[daydream believer]

No he doesn't make a lot of sense. Do you approve all his clothes? Do you get to tell him he can't have a car he likes? What if you don't like SUVs and Trucks and that's the only thing he likes. Is he going to give up the car he likes because you might have to see it everyday? Or worse, drive it occasionally?

Don't be silly. Of course he won't. AND (this is the important part) YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT HIM TO. Why? Because it's not your freaking car.

Get what you like within reason. He can LEARN TO LOVE IT. Why? Because it is your ring and it makes you happy. And is where his priority needs to be.

You aren't being unreasonable. Frankly, he is.

And I'm sorry it's more than just a ring. It's about him learning to compromise what he wants on a gift FOR YOU, that you will be wearing. I'm not saying he's not a good man. I'm sure he is. But engagement is practice for marriage and unless you want to have to get his approval for every darned thing just because he might have to look at it, you are in for a long complicated life.

I appreciate the tough love. I've seen you help many people in RockyTalky and I actually think my BF would be the classic, well-meaning guy who wanders in there with a preconceived notion of what an engagement ring "should" look like.

There was some discussion about gender norms upthread, and I think there's some truth to that. He has always heard stories about how the guy magically surprises his girlfriend with the ring and proposal she never knew she wanted. It's a sweet idea in theory, and perhaps with some couples thats okay. But knowing how much I love jewelry, I just don't see that working out well.

I think some very thoughtful discussion is needed. Fortunately, he's the type of guy who ultimately just wants to make me happy. But I'm happy to have validation that I'm not being a spoiled brat by being assertive on this matter. I'm a peacemaker and rather easy-going by nature, so I struggle a bit when deciding when to be firmer.

Also, the flip side of the idea of the engagement ring being a "gift" is that I would never make demands about a birthday or Christmas present from my BF or any of my family members. I think that's why I originally had a harder time being more resolute on this.

 

[tyty333]

Look, I'm going to be blunt because we see this topic here all the time.

In my 20s, I helped 5 friends pick out engagement rings for their girlfriends (my friends). Of the 5, 3 of them thought it was more/equally important that THEY liked the ring OR they wanted it to a surprise and didn't want her input at all.

I'm in my 30s now, and those 3 marriages all ended in divorce.

Marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes what one person wants is more important than what the other person wants. The engagement ring is a great example of that, and if you can't get that through to him now, that's a problem. You are not making outrageous demands - you are thoughtfully discussing a budget together, and you are reasonably expressing your wants within that budget, and he's clearly telling you that what you want is not as important as what he wants. Listen to him.

That's a totally valid point. Fortunately, this has been the first of what I anticipate will be many conversations about this before he makes the purchase. He's not unreceptive to all of my ideas, but I think he doesn't have the benefit of seeing how delicate and beautiful a bezel setting can be when it's executed well. Yesterday while we were talking, he did a google search and...how to put this politely...a very unfortunate looking ring was the top result. I think it may have scared him off

But you're right. If he really digs in and is unwilling to discuss it, that's obviously a source for concern. I think the root of the issue is that he believes I deserve more than just "a plain band with a small diamond on it." Also, a lot of our friends have intricate halo settings, so while he knows that's not what I want and would never get one for me, I think he's trying to find a way to add more "pizzazz."

You need to start a pinterest board with rings/settings that you like. You can point him to it after you have found enough pins.
Plenty of David Klass rings on pinteret to pin. I think you need to find a way to convince him that you like the more simpler designs.
How do you feel about engraving? That can "dress" a setting up without adding too much $. I looked on James Allen and I think
if you are willing to go down to an I (you dont seem too afraid of color) then you can hit .7ish.

For reference
https://www.jamesallen.com/loose-diamonds/oval-cut/0.71-carat-i-color-vs1-clarity-sku-1121978
https://www.jamesallen.com/loose-diamonds/oval-cut/0.71-carat-i-color-vs1-clarity-sku-1030756
https://www.jamesallen.com/loose-diamonds/oval-cut/0.70-carat-i-color-si1-clarity-sku-1078993 this one's got shoulders

Edit...another option that wouldnt cost too much/or maybe no is to do your setting with a brushed or satin finished. It sort of
gives your setting an "old world" feel and makes it "unique". I'm trying to think of things you could do that might please your BF but also
get you what you want.

A few examples...I wouldnt do a totally enclosed gallery like this...do something more open that maybe your BF could have some input to.