Another reason I hate weddings

[LJsapphire]

I was engaged for 3.5 years first time around (I think)... but we didn't start planning the wedding until 1 year before. So it wasn't like anyone else was affected by our long engagement.

 

[monarch64]

Niel, I hope you feel better about the situation after venting. I understand the need to talk it out! Whatever you decide in the bigger picture will not matter years from now. People move on, and that's just reality as sad and emotional as it may be at the time.

I have never been a bridesmaid or attendant in a wedding party! Not that I lacked friends who were getting married, but I worked weekends and holidays (mandatory, no questions) for years, especially those during which my friends were getting married and most of my close friends lived far away or had destination weddings. I feel lucky to have gotten out of all of the stuff that goes along with being an attendant after reading stories like this.

Oh, was also going to say I think the reason she didn't invite you to choosing the dress was maybe because she thought any dress would look good on you due to your fit-model type body! So there's that, if you can think of it that way instead of feeling excluded. I can't imagine she would've done that on purpose.

 

[Niel]

Niel, I hope you feel better about the situation after venting. I understand the need to talk it out! Whatever you decide in the bigger picture will not matter years from now. People move on, and that's just reality as sad and emotional as it may be at the time.

I have never been a bridesmaid or attendant in a wedding party! Not that I lacked friends who were getting married, but I worked weekends and holidays (mandatory, no questions) for years, especially those during which my friends were getting married and most of my close friends lived far away or had destination weddings. I feel lucky to have gotten out of all of the stuff that goes along with being an attendant after reading stories like this.

Oh, was also going to say I think the reason she didn't invite you to choosing the dress was maybe because she thought any dress would look good on you due to your fit-model type body! So there's that, if you can think of it that way instead of feeling excluded. I can't imagine she would've done that on purpose.

Ha-ha thanks! I am not so sure about that fit model type, but I'm going to go with it!

I do feel a little better today I was very polite this morning and messaged the other woman throwing the b.party. I told her that I saw that Wednesday won, and I was glad they found a day that worked for most people. I wouldn't be able to make it and it would be easier for everyone if she found someone else to help her throw the party.

I even feel bad about that because she and I where both kind of saddled with it, and she doesn't live around here, so I'm not sure how she'll handle it, but honestly like, how am I suppose to schedule transport and stuff if I'm not even going.

 

[Gypsy]

Neil, I don't care about being right. And I am sorry if my posts were unsympathetic.

I think the thing for me is that I've been involved a lot of wedding drama in my life. My husband has 3 sisters and 7 nieces. SEVEN. And while only 2 of the nieces are married the others have all been in the weddings. And I've heard it all. From every side. I've heard how much of a bridezilla this niece is, with all kinds of detail. How much a momzilla that sister is being. And then I've heard it all again, but from the brides' side about how terribly unhelpful, or unsympathetic, or just plain rude the bridesmaids have been, or how their mother is ruining their wedding.

So I while I did hear you and genuinely do understand that the bride has lacked perspective and balance. I could almost hear the bride's side at the same time. And as a result I was trying too hard to play devil's advocate. And that meant I lost sight of the fact that you needed to vent. And that you needed support. And I'm sorry I failed to provide that to you. Genuinely.

As someone said. This time period passes (although I'm braced for the divorces and second weddings, as sources say I am approaching "that age" ) and next thing you know it's all baby showers and paint swatches. And then that passes too. Enjoy as much of it as you can. Be the best bridesmaid you know how to be, while still keeping your sanity and your life in balance. As long as you have a clear conscience that you have been reasonable, then just roll your eyes at the bridal insanity and self absorption and drama, grit your teeth, and focus on the fun parts. Cause this too, shall pass. And if you want to extend an olive branch and strengthen your friendship with her, call the bride up, tell her you plan to get a babysitter or have the hubby watch the kids on one day of her choosing, and that you are hers for that day. And if you want to go the extra mile, recruit a couple of the other BMs (the ones you like) and show up with some food (that is healthy, cause she's worried about her looks at this point) and some treats (because you always need a treat) as a surprise. And then see what she says. I would have killed to have ANYONE call me and offer me their time for one day, in the last month of the wedding. There were so MANY dratted things to do! She will probably be touched and will remember it long after the wedding is done. And if she doesn't appreciate it, then you will know that she really isn't worth your time, and you can let the friendship just die it's natural death with no regrets.

 

[telephone89]

Okay. I love weddings. Like LOVE. However, weddings now a days have seriously gone to the dogs.

Your bridal party is not required to throw any parties. They are not required to put their blood sweat and tears into YOUR event. the only people responsible for planning and executing the wedding are the Bride and Groom (or b/b, g/g, etc). It drives me F$%^ing insane when I see these posts - and even more so from the Brides POV. "Sally isn't helping make my centerpieces! She doesn't even care about me! I should kick her out of my party!" Like what the actual F&$% is wrong with these people? Just because you are throwing a party (which is really what the wedding is) doesn't mean you get to treat people like shit.

 

[december-fire]

Okay. I love weddings. Like LOVE. However, weddings now a days have seriously gone to the dogs.

Your bridal party is not required to throw any parties. They are not required to put their blood sweat and tears into YOUR event. the only people responsible for planning and executing the wedding are the Bride and Groom (or b/b, g/g, etc). It drives me F$%^ing insane when I see these posts - and even more so from the Brides POV. "Sally isn't helping make my centerpieces! She doesn't even care about me! I should kick her out of my party!" Like what the actual F&$% is wrong with these people? Just because you are throwing a party (which is really what the wedding is) doesn't mean you get to treat people like shit.

So, just to clarify, does this mean I can't count on you should I decide to remarry?

I thought you might enjoy blowing up the hundreds of balloons, or picking up the dozens of plastic flamingos for the happy event - theme inspired, of course, by these lovely photos below.

Would you be willing to be one of my 18 bridesmaids?

I've picked out the cutest bridesmaid dress!

 

[Rockinruby]

Neil, I haven't been a bridesmaid in eons. I do remember the stress it can cause though. I don't have any helpful input, but just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[KaeKae]

Okay. I love weddings. Like LOVE. However, weddings now a days have seriously gone to the dogs.

Your bridal party is not required to throw any parties. They are not required to put their blood sweat and tears into YOUR event. the only people responsible for planning and executing the wedding are the Bride and Groom (or b/b, g/g, etc). It drives me F$%^ing insane when I see these posts - and even more so from the Brides POV. "Sally isn't helping make my centerpieces! She doesn't even care about me! I should kick her out of my party!" Like what the actual F&$% is wrong with these people? Just because you are throwing a party (which is really what the wedding is) doesn't mean you get to treat people like shit.

omg, THANK YOU for saying that. One time, right after a dear friend's wedding, I ran into her "Maid-of-Honor-zilla" sister (my name for her before and after the wedding) who told me all the things SHE would have done differently. I literally said: okay, well when it's your party, you get to do it the way you want." OH the dirty look I got! But, the wedding is the wedding, and the reception is a party. Get some perspective!

Sorry for the derail, Neil. I hope you are handling this situation and feel GOOD about how it's going.

 

[telephone89]

So, just to clarify, does this mean I can't count on you should I decide to remarry?

I thought you might enjoy blowing up the hundreds of balloons, or picking up the dozens of plastic flamingos for the happy event - theme inspired, of course, by these lovely photos below.

Would you be willing to be one of my 18 bridesmaids?

I've picked out the cutest bridesmaid dress!

Don't forget about licking envelopes! That's the best bridal party job! Haha.
I love my friends and do OFFER to help, but being demanded to do stuff or take extra time off work, that doesn't fly with me!

omg, THANK YOU for saying that. One time, right after a dear friend's wedding, I ran into her "Maid-of-Honor-zilla" sister (my name for her before and after the wedding) who told me all the things SHE would have done differently. I literally said: okay, well when it's your party, you get to do it the way you want." OH the dirty look I got! But, the wedding is the wedding, and the reception is a party. Get some perspective!

Exactly! I love all parts of the wedding - the ceremony, the legally binding to each other part, and the party after to thank everyone and celebrate! I just like it when people are treated well and not stepped all over because they're being 'honoured' aka in the bridal party.

 

[PintoBean]

Don't forget about licking envelopes! That's the best bridal party job! Haha.
I love my friends and do OFFER to help, but being demanded to do stuff or take extra time off work, that doesn't fly with me!

Don't lick the envelopes! Didn't you learn anything from SEINFELD?!?!?!

 

[monarch64]

Don't forget about licking envelopes! That's the best bridal party job! Haha.
I love my friends and do OFFER to help, but being demanded to do stuff or take extra time off work, that doesn't fly with me!

Don't lick the envelopes! Didn't you learn anything from SEINFELD?!?!?!

SAME THOUGHT. Get outta my head, PintoBean!

 

[House Cat]

Okay. I love weddings. Like LOVE. However, weddings now a days have seriously gone to the dogs.

Your bridal party is not required to throw any parties. They are not required to put their blood sweat and tears into YOUR event. the only people responsible for planning and executing the wedding are the Bride and Groom (or b/b, g/g, etc). It drives me F$%^ing insane when I see these posts - and even more so from the Brides POV. "Sally isn't helping make my centerpieces! She doesn't even care about me! I should kick her out of my party!" Like what the actual F&$% is wrong with these people? Just because you are throwing a party (which is really what the wedding is) doesn't mean you get to treat people like shit.

So, just to clarify, does this mean I can't count on you should I decide to remarry?

I thought you might enjoy blowing up the hundreds of balloons, or picking up the dozens of plastic flamingos for the happy event - theme inspired, of course, by these lovely photos below.

Would you be willing to be one of my 18 bridesmaids?

I've picked out the cutest bridesmaid dress!

You found my wedding photos! What do you think? I was going for "tropical elegance.."

 

[PintoBean]

Don't forget about licking envelopes! That's the best bridal party job! Haha.
I love my friends and do OFFER to help, but being demanded to do stuff or take extra time off work, that doesn't fly with me!

Don't lick the envelopes! Didn't you learn anything from SEINFELD?!?!?!

SAME THOUGHT. Get outta my head, PintoBean!

Bahahahahahaha... I'd rather be in your jewelry box!!!

 

[monarch64]

Don't forget about licking envelopes! That's the best bridal party job! Haha.
I love my friends and do OFFER to help, but being demanded to do stuff or take extra time off work, that doesn't fly with me!

Don't lick the envelopes! Didn't you learn anything from SEINFELD?!?!?!

SAME THOUGHT. Get outta my head, PintoBean!

Bahahahahahaha... I'd rather be in your jewelry box!!!

Girl, I'd rather you and all your jewels were in it, too! It would be like Barbara Eden and Christina Aguilera and Liz Taylor were hanging out in my room. I'll play the "Fly on the Wall," or observe from a fainting couch. Which I would rent because I don't own one.

 

[PintoBean]

Don't forget about licking envelopes! That's the best bridal party job! Haha.
I love my friends and do OFFER to help, but being demanded to do stuff or take extra time off work, that doesn't fly with me!

Don't lick the envelopes! Didn't you learn anything from SEINFELD?!?!?!

SAME THOUGHT. Get outta my head, PintoBean!

Bahahahahahaha... I'd rather be in your jewelry box!!!

Girl, I'd rather you and all your jewels were in it, too! It would be like Barbara Eden and Christina Aguilera and Liz Taylor were hanging out in my room. I'll play the "Fly on the Wall," or observe from a fainting couch. Which I would rent because I don't own one.

I MAY be in your head, but the better question is, "are you in my HOUSE?!"
Remind me to bring the fainting couch minus kitty hut (or else kitty will be sad) when I Barbara Eden cross my arms and "doink" appear with jewels

 

[monarch64]

It will be exactly as I imagined it, master. Diamonds everywhere!

 

[momhappy]

Okay, so I think I have a better understanding of how crazy weddings have become these days.
A friend of mine was asked to be an attendant in a wedding, her husband (who is the brother of the bride) is not even in the wedding, and their two girls have been asked to be flower girls. My friend and her husband were just informed that the bachelor/bachelorette parties are actually these elaborate, 4-day trips (one is in Vegas and the other location is not determined yet). They can't afford to go and neither of them can take off work for that kind of thing OR find extended/overnight childcare for their young children even if they wanted to (because the trips are planned on the same dates). The bride is "disappointed" that they can't go. My friend was also asked to purchase a $380 bridesmaid dress even though she's only an attendant to the bride and really serves no purpose in the wedding party. Thankfully, she stood her ground and said that she'd purchase her own dress in the same color scheme, which of course, the bride wasn't happy about either.
I'm getting the impression that weddings these days have gone completely bat-sh*t crazy What the heck is wrong with people

 

[AGBF]

My friend was also asked to purchase a $380 bridesmaid dress even though she's only an attendant to the bride and really serves no purpose in the wedding party.

What's an "attendant" in a wedding if the person is not in the wedding party? I always understood the word to be a synonym for a bridesmaid or an usher.

AGBF

 

[momhappy]

^I'm not sure what being an attendant means (officially), but I have understood it to be someone who isn't important enough to actually be in a wedding, so you throw them a bone and give them a "title" of some sort so they don't feel bad I have been an attendant before and my responsibilities involved assisting the bride on her special day by doing small tasks. However, I was not asked to wear anything specific (like a bridesmaid dress) because I was not officially in the wedding party.

 

[AGBF]

^I'm not sure what being an attendant means (officially), but I have understood it to be someone who isn't important enough to actually be in a wedding, so you throw them a bone and give them a "title" of some sort so they don't feel bad I have been an attendant before and my responsibilities involved assisting the bride on her special day by doing small tasks. However, I was not asked to wear anything specific (like a bridesmaid dress) because I was not officially in the wedding party.

Perhaps the language of weddings has evolved. Thank you.

 

[telephone89]

"bridal attendant" is another way of saying "bridal bitch" ie, do all the work without getting any of the credit.
OR it could also be that they wanted more bridesmaids, but the groomsmen were less, so instead of having 6 bridesmaids they have 4 bridesmaids and 2 attendants.

Literally no purpose.

 

[kenny]

I never will, but IF I ever got married this thread is the 2,321,457,895th reason to do the dirty deed at the County Courthouse.
Reception to follow at the nearest taco truck.

What a shitfest people have turned weddings into.

 

[packrat]

They don't have to be a shitfest. It's all dependent on who's behind the wheel of the shitshow mobile. We were super low-maintenance and ours was a blast. There wasn't probably one thing that went "perfect", and we never expected them to be. Some people have an inner demon, inner bitch, whatever, just a'waiting in there to jump out..like their wedding is the be all and end all of everyone's lives. That's selfish and sad. If you can't get it thru your head that the wedding is just the excuse to dress up and be pretty and get presents--the real big deal is the *marriage*, then good luck to ya in your future endeavors cuz you're gonna have a hard go of it.

 

[kenny]

They don't have to be a shitfest.

Obviously ...
No duh ...
That goes without saying ...

etc. etc. etc.

 

[AGBF]

"bridal attendant" is another way of saying "bridal bitch" ie, do all the work without getting any of the credit.
OR it could also be that they wanted more bridesmaids, but the groomsmen were less, so instead of having 6 bridesmaids they have 4 bridesmaids and 2 attendants.

Literally no purpose.

I did some research on-line. A wedding attendant is on most formal sites still (as in my day) a bridesmaid or a groomsman/usher and a member of the wedding party. Some people who do not understand etiquette must, now, be misusing the term. There is really consensus about this on all the major websites.

The Emily Post Institute...http://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-attendants/
Martha Stewart Weddings...http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/226808/choosing-wedding-attendants
Anna Post...https://www.insideweddings.com/news/expert-advice/the-rules-of-etiquette-for-the-wedding-party/1596/

 

[packrat]

They don't have to be a shitfest.

Obviously ...
No duh ...
That goes without saying ...

etc. etc. etc.

Are you being a dick for any particular reason or just for funsies?

 

[momhappy]

"bridal attendant" is another way of saying "bridal bitch" ie, do all the work without getting any of the credit.
OR it could also be that they wanted more bridesmaids, but the groomsmen were less, so instead of having 6 bridesmaids they have 4 bridesmaids and 2 attendants.

Literally no purpose.

Yes, this is how I understand it. It's someone who helps the bride (get me some water, help me put on my shoes, etc.), but you don't get to stand up with the wedding party. I think my friend was only asked to be the attendant because she wasn't important enough in the bride-to-be's life to be a bridesmaid, but she had to give her some sort of title since my friend is married to the bride-to-be's brother. I'm sure that the term "attendant" can be used in many different ways and a bride/groom can choose what they want to do with the title despite what etiquette might say.

 

[KaeKae]

Okay, so I think I have a better understanding of how crazy weddings have become these days.
A friend of mine was asked to be an attendant in a wedding, her husband (who is the brother of the bride) is not even in the wedding, and their two girls have been asked to be flower girls. My friend and her husband were just informed that the bachelor/bachelorette parties are actually these elaborate, 4-day trips (one is in Vegas and the other location is not determined yet). They can't afford to go and neither of them can take off work for that kind of thing OR find extended/overnight childcare for their young children even if they wanted to (because the trips are planned on the same dates). The bride is "disappointed" that they can't go. My friend was also asked to purchase a $380 bridesmaid dress even though she's only an attendant to the bride and really serves no purpose in the wedding party. Thankfully, she stood her ground and said that she'd purchase her own dress in the same color scheme, which of course, the bride wasn't happy about either.
I'm getting the impression that weddings these days have gone completely bat-sh*t crazy What the heck is wrong with people

So, wait; the bride's own brother is not even in the wedding? First, had they added brother to the groom's side, there would have been a spot for sister in law, no?

Then, brother's wife is tagged to be unpaid slave labor, but still expected to buy and wear the $380 "uniform" of the day, along with riding heard over the diva, not to mention her own two children, who I assume will be wearing whatever costly confection the diva has chose.

THEN brother and wife, who is not really in the bridal party, are expected to take time off for a long weekend in Vegas/other city? On their dime, too? Covering their share of the bride/groom as well.

I'm with you, weddings are (or can be) just crazy anymore. And I don't think the SIL should be any kind of attendant, except to her children, who will likely need her attention through out the day.

I though the attendant would be a paid assistant for the day, Silly Me.

 

[Gypsy]

Yeah. That's nutty and demanding.

380 for a random 'attendant' dress??? Multi-day out of town vacations?

Yikes.

You get one day people. And a SHORT rehearsal. You don't get several days here. An all day rehearsal event, the wedding day and a brunch day!

I don't even see the point of a bachelor/bachelorette party. I would be thrilled with a spa day with my MOH. But I knew it would be expensive and the logistics impossible with my MOH out of town, so we just grabbed dinner and got basic pedicures at a local place.

Best bachelor/ bachelorette party I went to was a Jack and Jill event that was more a shower (without gifts). It was fun. And budget friendly.

 

[momhappy]

Okay, so I think I have a better understanding of how crazy weddings have become these days.
A friend of mine was asked to be an attendant in a wedding, her husband (who is the brother of the bride) is not even in the wedding, and their two girls have been asked to be flower girls. My friend and her husband were just informed that the bachelor/bachelorette parties are actually these elaborate, 4-day trips (one is in Vegas and the other location is not determined yet). They can't afford to go and neither of them can take off work for that kind of thing OR find extended/overnight childcare for their young children even if they wanted to (because the trips are planned on the same dates). The bride is "disappointed" that they can't go. My friend was also asked to purchase a $380 bridesmaid dress even though she's only an attendant to the bride and really serves no purpose in the wedding party. Thankfully, she stood her ground and said that she'd purchase her own dress in the same color scheme, which of course, the bride wasn't happy about either.
I'm getting the impression that weddings these days have gone completely bat-sh*t crazy What the heck is wrong with people

So, wait; the bride's own brother is not even in the wedding? First, had they added brother to the groom's side, there would have been a spot for sister in law, no?

Then, brother's wife is tagged to be unpaid slave labor, but still expected to buy and wear the $380 "uniform" of the day, along with riding heard over the diva, not to mention her own two children, who I assume will be wearing whatever costly confection the diva has chose.

THEN brother and wife, who is not really in the bridal party, are expected to take time off for a long weekend in Vegas/other city? On their dime, too? Covering their share of the bride/groom as well.

I'm with you, weddings are (or can be) just crazy anymore. And I don't think the SIL should be any kind of attendant, except to her children, who will likely need her attention through out the day.

I though the attendant would be a paid assistant for the day, Silly Me.

Yes, that's right, the bride's brother is not even in the wedding and..... the groom has 3 less groomsmen on his side, but still wouldn't ask him to be in the wedding party. How's that for a kick in the teeth And then expect him to cough up 4 days and a pile of money for a 4-day bachelor party trip to Vegas. Um, no. I'd feel about 2% obligated to attend that and that's what I told my friend. As far as the attendant title is concerned, my friend has already set boundaries by not buying a pricey bridesmaid dress and she's not planning to attend the 4-day bachelorette trip either. The bride is having 4 bridal showers! My friend has to attend two of them