Reasons for divorce after 20 or 30 years?

[soocool]

In my circle of friends there has not been more than 2 divorces (the husbands cheated and got caught) and I have been married over 25 years. But the parents of the kids my DD went all through school with (kindergarten through high school) have been getting divorced like it is very fashionable. Out of the group of 15 kids she always hung out with, all but 2 got divorced by the time the kids finished college. Some spilt when the kids were in high school. Almost all of them have remarried or are engaged to or seeing someone else.

I have one good friend who is about 20 years younger than her husband and she is my age( late 50s ) and her DH just turned 80. She has cheated on him for at least the past 20 years and he knows it. He needs someone to take care of him, she needs his money. They are fine with their arrangement. Go figure!

 

[Rhea]

I get it. My parents have been married more than 40 years and have a terrible marriage. I remember them being huggy and kissy when I was little but I think a move that broke them financially also broke their marriage. My mother recovered and did everything, and I do mean everything she could to protect the children. My father sunk and continues to sink. They'll stay together for financial reasons, but they aren't happy and haven't been for at least 20 years that I've noticed.

Different but similar with my in-laws. They appear happier and argue much less often but it's easy to see that my FIL is at the end of his tether with MIL. They've fairly recently retired and both being in excellent health have probably 15 or more good years before them. FIL is planning and he wants a partner to actively spend that time with. MIL has never been able to plan and even about something as big as where to live or go on holiday she refuses to be involved. She doesn't make decisions and her contrary nature once a decision has been made by other prevents others from making decisions. It paralyses DH & I when we want to make a decision about where and what time for dinner out with them, I can't imagine what it does to FIL about, well, anything. They honestly couldn't tell us about what time they were coming over for coffee on Sunday until 30 minutes before hand when they left their house. Neither has changed in the 13 years I've known them that I can see. FIL wants to go places, travel, be active and see things. MIL says she does but commitment has always been her short-coming. After raising children and into retirement and planning the next stages of life it's becoming a huge divide between them. The woman won't commit to what she's doing in an hour!!

FIL & I are planning the Christmas holidays together and it's been a real eye-opener into how MIL functions and their relationship.

 

[Gypsy]

I get it. I hope its not in my future and will work to ensure it isn't, but I get it.

In the relationship prior to meeting my DH, I was.so lonely. We had been together for 4 years. And I am an introvert. I like being alone. But the loneliness I experienced then was terrible. Especially lying next.to him at night. I don't know what would have happened if we'd married. But divorce would have been inevitable.

After we broke up in a weak moment, I told a friend that I missed him. Friend ask me why. I said because he had been.such a large part of my life for so long. Friend said, "what if you had cancer for four years. And then one day you were.cancer free. Would you miss.it because it had been such a large part of your life? No, you wouldn't. Same thing. That man was poison for you. You should be rejoining. Not missing.him."

And tbey.were right.

Also, never forget, the ones that we love the most have the greatest power to hurt us. Whether it is in a bonfire of one big.screw up. Or small daily burns that leave us scarred all the same. Hurt is hurt. And it can break you.

 

[rubybeth]

My husband is becoming a marriage and family therapist, so my comments are heavily influenced by that, and my own (mere) seven years of married life. There is a lot of research on marriage and what makes it work over the long run (hint: one thing that can help is therapy).

There are essentially five types of married couples (in order from happiest to least happy): vitalized, harmonious, traditional, conflicted, and devitalized. You can Google for lots of research papers on these types and what they involve. But the key is that couples typically don't move 'down' more than one type during their married life. So if they start off as vitalized, they may become harmonious over time, but they won't typically become devitalized.

But what I think is even more interesting in terms of the original question is that all of these types have the potential to get divorced. The happier types have less likelihood of it happening, but of course there are things that happen to us as individuals and couples that are traumatic or life-changing, and may result in divorce. Talking regularly and having egalitarian roles and ways to resolve conflict are really good to increase happiness, and may reduce the likelihood of divorce, but nobody really knows what goes on inside someone else's marriage (except maybe the couple's therapist! ).

 

[AGBF]

When I first saw this topic, I thought that that divorce after many years was quite common. The article in the October 30 edition of, "The New York Times" seems to say that it is now common.

Link...http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/31/your-money/after-full-lives-together-more-older-couples-are-divorcing.html?mabReward=A1&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&region=CColumn&module=Recommendation&src=rechp&WT.nav=RecEngine&_r=0

AGBF

 

[diamondringlover]

When I first saw this topic, I thought that that divorce after many years was quite common. The article in the October 30 edition of, "The New York Times" seems to say that it is now common.

Link...http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/31/your-money/after-full-lives-together-more-older-couples-are-divorcing.html?mabReward=A1&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&region=CColumn&module=Recommendation&src=rechp&WT.nav=RecEngine&_r=0

AGBF

That is a most excellent article, thanks for posting that

 

[missy]

When I first saw this topic, I thought that that divorce after many years was quite common. The article in the October 30 edition of, "The New York Times" seems to say that it is now common.

Link...http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/31/your-money/after-full-lives-together-more-older-couples-are-divorcing.html?mabReward=A1&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&region=CColumn&module=Recommendation&src=rechp&WT.nav=RecEngine&_r=0

AGBF

That is a most excellent article, thanks for posting that

Thanks Deb for sharing the article. It is positive that many women (and men) want the best of life and not to just "settle" in an unhappy or even an adequate but not satisfying relationship. But I also find it so sad that many relationships cannot stand the test of time and the children leaving the nest so to speak. Financial independence, increased life spans, etc. making it more attractive to leave a spouse if one is not satisfied. All good things because one should not have to live in mediocrity.

However I do find it sad that perhaps some of these couples stayed in stagnant relationships too long and lived unfulfilled lives for many years before having the strength, courage and wisdom to know it was time to move on and forward. Better late than never I guess but I am a hopeless romantic anyway and am sad they have not yet found their true loves and maybe will never find them. One doesn't need marriage to be happy and one doesn't need to be in a romantic relationship to be satisfied and content with life but it is *nice* to have romantic companionship through life's ups and downs. To have your true love and partner by your side to face the good and the bad that life always brings.

 

[missy]

Just realized I am not a hopeless romantic no. I'm a hopeful romantic.