Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Much???

[Niel]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I agree with the others who say that a marriage is about to people and a wedding is a collective social event. To take it from an elopement to a reception takes it from a personal, "do whatever we want" to a, at least small, social obligation.

The catty side of me hopes no one goes no goes on the cruise so the 20k she was earning from his parents has to fund the cruise she's getting "for free"

Niel, a wedding is exactly what the bride and groom want it to be. It could be a collective social event or a more intimate affair between just the couple and a witness or 2. Or both as the case may be as in my experience. It really can be anything the bride and groom want it to be. I don't feel there is one right size fits all.

You're misunderstanding what I'm saying. I didn't even say wedding, I said elopement vs reception. They can have their wedding whatever they want but when the wedding is expected to involve others I expect some social obligation comes into play. If you want others to join in your day, it becomes an expectation you're placing on them, and I think at least some consideration for them should exist.

OK Gotcha. Yes if you want others to be there you have to take into account these factors. Like I said they have to live with the consequences of their actions no doubt about it. She sounds immature to say the least not to realize this. Or else she does realize it and doesn't care. I have learned a long time ago not to put more effort into a relationship than others are willing to put into that same relationship. Time will tell what matters most to her and her dh to be.

Yeah what sucks is that these types of relationships mean that this wedding isn't in a vacuum. The bitterness and resentment on both sides will stay for a long time and it'll have a lasting impact on their relationship. I personally have negative events surrounding my wedding with my sil and mil that I don't think I'll ever really "get over".

This while thing is a mess

 

[aljdewey]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

SIL 100% DOES want her family there. She wants them all to take the cruise and she wants everyone (her future in-laws, her family, and her friends) to hang out the entire 12 days--she told her brother (my DH) that she really does hope that he will come on the cruise and gave the alternative of meeting in Dublin rather begrudgingly, but said that if they absolutely cannot take 12 days on the ship, that is the alternative......

..... they've [family] just stated their concerns (getting time off work, MIL getting seasick, etc). She asked me my thoughts when she called to tell me the plan and I told her that I did think that it was a lot to ask of her guests and I didn't think that everyone who she invites will end up attending........she said that everyone she told thought it was a great idea and said that they would come.

I sincerely believe that she really does want the family to be there.....but only on her terms, even if it means they will be seasick or struggle to get the time away, etc. But if it comes down to the choice of spending more time with family or going on the cruise, she's prepared to choose the cruise, and she's said so by declaring that the meet-up in Dublin "is the alternate". That conveys pretty firmly she's unwilling to change the cruise plan solely on the basis of family discomfort or limited time with family. (That may change if guests start declining/dropping like flies, but for now, family-only absenteeism isn't enough to consider a change.)

The option to meet in Dublin is being given begrudgingly, and in her head, the qualifier is if you "absolutely cannot' take the cruise. It also strikes me that she doesn't feel that Tuffy's DH meets the 'absolutely cannot' criteria as she called him selfish and cheap.

She asked for Tuffy's opinion, and when it wasn't what she hoped, she responded with "everyone else (non-family) thinks it's a great idea". To me, that says "Since you're the only ones who have a problem with it, you're being unreasonable." If I were super close to my family, what would be doable for them would weigh far more heavily than all the other random "great idea' responses (particularly when no one has had to pony up for the cruise yet).

I'm so sorry for your DH's family, Tuffy - I'm sure it's difficult for them.

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Just wondering for the sake of argument ... if the roles were reversed, and tuffy asked her SIL to take two weeks off from work, pay $5000 (for example), and travel to Europe, would SIL do it?

 

[thecat]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Has MIL told SIL about her seasickness yet?

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

@thecat
They were supposed to go for massages today. Hopefully MIL spoke to her as she said she wanted to. I am skeptical, tho as MIL is a martyr and I think she would rather just go and keep her mouth shut so she won't hurt her daughter's feelings. DH recently said that he finally learned (after over 35 years!) that if his mom says, "are you sure???" It essentially means, "are you f#@king crazy?!?!".

...Stay tuned!!!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Just wondering for the sake of argument ... if the roles were reversed, and tuffy asked her SIL to take two weeks off from work, pay $5000 (for example), and travel to Europe, would SIL do it?

She would probably go, but I know she would think that's a lot of money!!! She is so wrapped up in thinking how great this cruise it, and how much the attendees are going to get ($500 on-board credit {a promo from the cruise line} plus $400 drink package and $300 reduction in fare {gifted from her and FI/the in-laws}) that she cannot seem to see that $5k is a TON to spend on a vacation that you don't want! It doesn't matter how much "free" stuff you get. It's not a great deal unless you WANT it.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

SIL 100% DOES want her family there. She wants them all to take the cruise and she wants everyone (her future in-laws, her family, and her friends) to hang out the entire 12 days--she told her brother (my DH) that she really does hope that he will come on the cruise and gave the alternative of meeting in Dublin rather begrudgingly, but said that if they absolutely cannot take 12 days on the ship, that is the alternative......

..... they've [family] just stated their concerns (getting time off work, MIL getting seasick, etc). She asked me my thoughts when she called to tell me the plan and I told her that I did think that it was a lot to ask of her guests and I didn't think that everyone who she invites will end up attending........she said that everyone she told thought it was a great idea and said that they would come.

I sincerely believe that she really does want the family to be there.....but only on her terms, even if it means they will be seasick or struggle to get the time away, etc. But if it comes down to the choice of spending more time with family or going on the cruise, she's prepared to choose the cruise, and she's said so by declaring that the meet-up in Dublin "is the alternate". That conveys pretty firmly she's unwilling to change the cruise plan solely on the basis of family discomfort or limited time with family. (That may change if guests start declining/dropping like flies, but for now, family-only absenteeism isn't enough to consider a change.)

The option to meet in Dublin is being given begrudgingly, and in her head, the qualifier is if you "absolutely cannot' take the cruise. It also strikes me that she doesn't feel that Tuffy's DH meets the 'absolutely cannot' criteria as she called him selfish and cheap.

She asked for Tuffy's opinion, and when it wasn't what she hoped, she responded with "everyone else (non-family) thinks it's a great idea". To me, that says "Since you're the only ones who have a problem with it, you're being unreasonable." If I were super close to my family, what would be doable for them would weigh far more heavily than all the other random "great idea' responses (particularly when no one has had to pony up for the cruise yet).

I'm so sorry for your DH's family, Tuffy - I'm sure it's difficult for them.

This is very insightful. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

@thecat

DH recently said that he finally learned (after over 35 years!) that if his mom says, "are you sure???" It essentially means, "are you f#@king crazy?!?!".

...Stay tuned!!!

Ahhh, family dynamics!

What can I say but I hope you and dear hubby figure out how you want to respond, and enjoy it without guilt or resentment. Ditto for DH's mother... not wanting to I'll just stop there.

If it were me I'd might be planning a nice 5-day or so road trip through Ireland that might coincidently include a stop in Dublin on the big day, in hopes that the Dublin nupitals might in reality feel like something other than an afterthought or a tossed bone. But since I wouldn't be counting on the latter... I'd be doing that planning only if a vacationing in that part of the world next summer also appealed to me for other reasons. And I'

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

So they aren't even getting legally married on their DW. Why doesn't everyone just go witness their legal marriage, go for dinner after and the couple will go on the 'DW' with their inlaws? Parents/family don't have to fly internationally, no one has to get seasick, kids still pocket $20k. Everyone wins.

What honestly annoys me about this is that people don't think the 'legal' part of marriage is what's important - its all about the show. Its the white dress, and the cake, and the dancing. NO that is not what marriage is about, and that's not what people for (at least) a century have been fighting for (interracial, gay, etc). All they are doing in dublin is playing dress up - that is not a wedding. /rant

Sorry for that. Pretty hot topic with myself.

Yep!

That said, we did a low key is plus 2 witnesses a week early. No anything. Sign and leave. What was important to us was the signing of the ketubah a week later. That is the date we celebrate.

So I guess i can see having a special part of there is some tradition or another that holds meaning. Of not, then the legal bit would be the big part.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Tuffy, please update us on what transpires with this situation. I would think guests would have to pay deposits months in advance, so SIL will find out the reality of the numbers long before May, right? If she was only going to invite around 25, I do think she'll be disappointed with the turnout.

 

[kgizo]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

As a compromise perhaps MiL can skip the cruise, etc take that money and offer to throw the couple a party when they return. I've been to a few of these for couples who have done the destination wedding. They can include wedding traditions (couple wears wedding outfits, cake cutting, first dance) or be a low key. They've had slide shows or albums of the wedding and cruise pics and those are so nice to see. Often times it's more fun for guests as it is about the celebrating the couple instead of the pressure of a perfect themed wedding. Just a thought as it would give MiL a way to be more involved, which it sounds like she wants, and not put herself at risk of being sick for 12 days.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I've got an update for anyone who wants to know what's going on... MIL talked to SIL. She let her know of her concerns (sea sickness, spending 12 full days with the in-laws, feeling "trapped" on the ship, family members getting the time off work, etc). SIL became pretty upset and started crying and said that this is what she wants and she isn't willing to budge. MIL suggested that they at least throw a party (or a dinner, at least) locally so anyone who isn't able to go on the cruise can still celebrate with them. SIL said that she's not willing to plan anything, so her family can come on the cruise, or not and that's that. DH was pretty upset by this and feels that all her actions point to her not caring whether her family comes or not, which seems to be the case, thus, he has now decided that we are not going to the wedding.

SIL got engaged this weekend, so it looks like all of this is moving full-steam ahead! I feel badly that we won't be a part of her wedding, but it seems like it doesn't matter to her, so we aren't going to make a big deal out of it.

 

[junebug17]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Thank you for coming back with an update tuffyluvr, I didn't comment in this thread but I have been reading along and was interested as to how all of this has played out. I guess it is what it is, sounds like SIL has made up her mind and it's up to family members to decide whether to attend or not. I'm sorry for all the family drama, I know it's upsetting.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Thank you for coming back with an update tuffyluvr, I didn't comment in this thread but I have been reading along and was interested as to how all of this has played out. I guess it is what it is, sounds like SIL has made up her mind and it's up to family members to decide whether to attend or not. I'm sorry for all the family drama, I know it's upsetting.

Yeah, it's upsetting to think that it's not important for SIL to have her family be a part of her wedding, but it's her choice so we'll just let her do her thing! Maybe it will be a wonderful day for her, and everything that she dreamed of, and maybe it will be a disappointment, but, ultimately, it's her day and she's made it clear that she's going to do what she wants!

 

[lambskin]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Gosh, what a way to enter into a new family. Your family and others have voiced their legit concerns and she continues to make every one's life Hell. It seems that the option of a local celebration is nice and they can do what they want on the boat. She should take the 'hint' that no one either wants or can't do it. That should have been the end there. They have already caused a huge scene and, frankly, she is such an Alpha Dog Personality that if she continues to get her way you have a lot of holidays and family functions that she will dominate. I can guarantee that some of the couple's friends will not go through with this. Please do not back down. It will cause bitterness and resentment on your part and you have done nothing wrong. I would stop the dialog now and tell her that you all have voiced your opinion and will not change and she has to move on. If you all continue to engage her in the conversation she will think that she will eventually wear you all out and get her way. Once the conversation stops you all can get on to something else...like their wedding shower....

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I'm sorry this turned into such a drama, but I think your DH made the right decision. I'm a bit puzzled over SIL's attitude, but whatever. I wonder how her other invitees are reacting, and how many of them will back out when it's time for deposits.

I agree, it's not worth making a big deal. You've stated your position, she's stated hers, and there's no point in going on about it.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Gosh, what a way to enter into a new family. Your family and others have voiced their legit concerns and she continues to make every one's life Hell. It seems that the option of a local celebration is nice and they can do what they want on the boat. She should take the 'hint' that no one either wants or can't do it. That should have been the end there. They have already caused a huge scene and, frankly, she is such an Alpha Dog Personality that if she continues to get her way you have a lot of holidays and family functions that she will dominate. I can guarantee that some of the couple's friends will not go through with this. Please do not back down. It will cause bitterness and resentment on your part and you have done nothing wrong. I would stop the dialog now and tell her that you all have voiced your opinion and will not change and she has to move on. If you all continue to engage her in the conversation she will think that she will eventually wear you all out and get her way. Once the conversation stops you all can get on to something else...like their wedding shower....

She's my DH's sister, so she wouldn't be entering the family like this, but her FI would! Honestly, he doesn't seem to jazzed about the idea. He told DH and I that he thought it was too much, and was surprised that people wanted to do it. She has never acted like this about anything before, so this is all pretty shocking, but I guess weddings can turn ordinarily easygoing women into "bridezillas".

Unfortunately, the dialog has closed. We spoke our piece and she knows how we feel, anything more would just come off as nagging and would be taken with hostility, and DH does not want to destroy his relationship with his sister. We are not going to her wedding and I think that speaks volumes. As much as I wish we could talk her out of it, it seems that is not going to happen.

 

[Niel]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

She seems money driven. Period. She probably gets a free cruise sense others are attending, and money from her new in laws.

She won't do a local thing because, shocker, that would cost her money.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

She seems money driven. Period. She probably gets a free cruise sense others are attending, and money from her new in laws.

She won't do a local thing because, shocked, that would cost her money.

Yup. All true

 

[Niel]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

She seems money driven. Period. She probably gets a free cruise sense others are attending, and money from her new in laws.

She won't do a local thing because, shocked, that would cost her money.

Yup. All true

The most disgusting part is that she won't spend a dime to have a special day with her family, but expects 10s of thousands spend on her wedding by attendants

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

She seems money driven. Period. She probably gets a free cruise sense others are attending, and money from her new in laws.

She won't do a local thing because, shocked, that would cost her money.

Yup. All true

The most disgusting part is that she won't spend a dime to have a special day with her family, but expects 10s of thousands spend on her wedding by attendants

Trust me, we all understand this, and the whole family is pretty disgusted by it. Even her mom can't get behind her on this one. I hope it's worth it to her to get her super-special-I'm-the-princess-day. Sickening.

 

[Niel]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

She seems money driven. Period. She probably gets a free cruise sense others are attending, and money from her new in laws.

She won't do a local thing because, shocked, that would cost her money.

Yup. All true

The most disgusting part is that she won't spend a dime to have a special day with her family, but expects 10s of thousands spend on her wedding by attendants

Trust me, we all understand this, and the whole family is pretty disgusted by it. Even her mom can't get behind her on this one. I hope it's worth it to her to get her super-special-I'm-the-princess-day. Sickening.

I'm really upset for you tuffy. Sorry.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Tuffy,

I am so sorry it is working out this way. I kept hoping she would find a way to make it possible to celebrate with her. There were so many things she could have done to have her cruise and have her family there. Win win.

I hope the drama is over soon so the relationship mending can begin.

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

How terrible for your mother-in-law.

I wonder if the groom is starting to have second thoughts? I don't think any of my brothers would have married someone who would have treated their own family that way - short of some bad background, of course. After all, if she's willing to disregard her mother's feelings when they become inconvenient... what will happen on down the line if her husband's wants or needs become inconvenient for her?

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Tuffy,

I am so sorry it is working out this way. I kept hoping she would find a way to make it possible to celebrate with her. There were so many things she could have done to have her cruise and have her family there. Win win.

I hope the drama is over soon so the relationship mending can begin.

Thanks, TooPatient! Unfortunately it seems that the drama will continue until the cruise ends June 6th, ugh! Until then we are just going to keep our mouths shut and our opinions to ourselves! It really is a shame that it had to work out this way, but it's out of our control!

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Speaking of bridezillas ... this is her first marriage, correct? Maybe this is something she's dreamed of her whole life?

I still wouldn't attend, I'm just trying to understand.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

How terrible for your mother-in-law.

I wonder if the groom is starting to have second thoughts? I don't think any of my brothers would have married someone who would have treated their own family that way - short of some bad background, of course. After all, if she's willing to disregard her mother's feelings when they become inconvenient... what will happen on down the line if her husband's wants or needs become inconvenient for her?

I don't know--he's kind of a doormat and she tends to steamroll him. This is the way it's been throughout their relationship. I certainly wouldn't be impressed by that sort of behavior, and DH would absolutely never stand for it.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Speaking of bridezillas ... this is her first marriage, correct? Maybe this is something she's dreamed of her whole life?

I still wouldn't attend, I'm just trying to understand.

Yes, it's her first wedding. However, this particular scenario is not something she's dreamed of. She's always said that she wanted to get married in the mountains. For years she's said that her dream wedding was in the Grand Tetons or near Yellowstone. She has never even been to Ireland and neither she nor her FI are Irish, so it holds no special sentimental value. It's all very puzzling

 

[arkieb1]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I think I called the Bride going feral a few pages ago.... weddings turn normal people into irrational nutballs. I suspect the mother in law on the other side has a lot to answer for too, (some mother in laws tend to become feral domineering nutters at weddings too.....) if they are encouraging them and they are cruise people and are paying the couple money to have a wedding this way then obviously there are people from the collective families that think its a great idea. Just because it is their "dream situation" they cannot see outside their own little narrowly designed box to see how expensive and inconvenient it is for everyone else.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I have a close friend who cuts through any family crap like a knife through butter. She simply doesn't do one single thing that she doesn't want to do. If she were asked to spend all this time and money on a 5k vacay that she didn't want, she'd say "I'm not coming" the first time it was mentioned and that would be that.

Probably not helpful, but she's one person who springs to mind who just doesn't let her family upset her or make her do stuff. She just says a firm "no" and if there's fallout, frankly she doesn't care. She has taken it to extremes at times, and has been very selfish is some instances where I believe she should have been more flexible, but I just imagined her in this situation, and that is what she would do. It's been interesting to watch her in action sometimes. Just thought you might want to know an example of at least one person who wouldn't dream of attending this wedding and who could care less about the consequences. That route is open to you, too! Of course, it's not for everyone. This person is especially tough-minded and good at boundaries and protecting herself no matter how much she upsets people who love her, and not everyone can be that way.

I think your SIL is being an enormous PITA about her wedding. I hope enough people don't accept that she changes her mind.