What to do about bitter sister

[missy]

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your sister. I would speak with her. I feel you have nothing to lose and you love her and she is your sister. She is immature and young and speaking with her honestly and openly and lovingly about what is going on cannot be a bad thing. You want to hold onto and make stronger your bond as sisters and as friends and speaking from the heart with her IMO is the right thing to do. I hope it works out and that you can both be there for each other as you navigate through these challenging times. (((Hugs))).

 

[CJ2008]

I'm not going to attempt to analyze her behavior bc I don't have enough knowledge about either of you. But as to your question, I do think that you should talk to her. When I hear negative criticism from my family about my lifestyle or choices, I address them and drama usually ensues but it is worth it. The relationship evolves after the drama, for better or for worse, but I never regret it.

Beautifully put.

And I think you want to address these things before resentment builds past the point of no return and you can no longer approach things with your sister lovingly and with an open mind and just as ready to really listen as well as speak.

 

[Caramelfreak]

I did forget to mention something about letters...

I had a rough time with my sister too eons ago- nothing to do with medicine. There were some family stressors and we drifted apart. She wrote me a letter. I hated the letter when I read it- to be honest I can't remember what she wrote it in, only that it was about how I drifted from her, how cold/ horrible I have become etc. But I got the message- I can be an ******* and I needed to treat my loved ones better. And so I did. Whilst our relationship is not as close because unfortunately people do grow, change, pursue different things, I think we are more tolerant and way more respectful in our communication with each other. Whilst a letter may work, I don't know if I will recommend it. I rather she came up to me and said "Hey! I am feeling a little sad because I feel something has happened and we are not as close anymore. Can we talk about it? I really miss you." When I read the letter I kinda got all defensive inside but I could not like hurriedly scribble back my rebuts on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and send it back to her. We're all good now but I think it took a few years of back and forth... if only we had just, you know, talk it all out things would have progressed much faster.

I totally agree with everyone who suggested that you should talk to her, or at least address it because it is bothering you, and you value her companionship and that you love her. With your added info, I can actually empathise with your sister, and maybe I see a little of my own behaviours and convictions in medical school in your description of her. There's a lot of truth in what JDDN said- about the uncertainties of medicine at least. It is also a very unforgiving career. It can really make one very anxious and hence harsh/ judgmental etc. I also went through a bad breakup in the middle of med school and decided I hate babies and don't want babies. It's a defensive mechanism- to protect myself against the very possible disappointment that my chosen career will doom me to become lonely for the rest of my life- no chance of finding life companionship (whether I want babies or not), unable to keep my friends, no social life etc.

On a sidenote, please don't take my earlier jest about my career and work to mean I hate my job. I love it. I just like making fun of it. Medicine has made me a more forgiving and loving person- and definitely more tolerant and less of an *******, and definitely a better person. I think it actually also helped my relationship with my sister. It does take a lot of working through some bullshit and going through experiences that tempered my hubris to reach that stage. Its actually a great career and I highly recommend it to anyone who is so inclined (unless they are creeps, evildoers, spawns of satan etc.) But that's more another thread.

I wish you the best! And I really hope all goes well between you and your sister.

 

[SylviaF]

I did forget to mention something about letters...

You are right! Back when the unnecessary surgery fiasco happened there was a few months of texting and emails back and forth between us, and something that wasn't that big of a deal turned into a rough time for us.

I didn't take your previous post as you not loving your career, just as a very candid and real view of what can happen during med-school. I do think medicine is beautiful and I respect anyone willing to put themselves through so much stress and uncertainty in order to help others.

She is graduating in May and I'm wondering how residency will change things for her.

 

[SylviaF]

Here's another perspective from someone who has gone to medical school. It does change you. There is so much uncertainty during medical school and after and it makes it hard to plan. This is especially hard for those Type A people and....eh hem, most of us in MD school were a tad Type A, lol. I had a few classmates who had babies during medical school and I couldn't begin to imagine what that was like. When I read through your posts it sounds more like she's unhappy and that the bad breakup had everything to do with the start of her unhappiness. Much more so than ego. The way you describe her and your relationship before is so beautiful. She sounded like someone I'd want to be friends with!

I think when us gals go through a really bad break up, it makes you question all the wonderful things you dreamed about. It's also hard to trust in love for awhile. The reality is that medical school can be all consuming. It can suck the life out of you too. For women it's especially difficult because your reproductive life is dwindling and that is tough because you struggle with working your a$$ off and wanting the career but also wanting the family life too. That coupled with having your heart broken can make for a changed person.

It kind of sounds like some of her comments are her own defenses as she is hurting inside. She probably knows deep down that she does want a family, but it's tough to admit it when it seems so far away. It's easier to say that she doesn't need a man to feel loved, or that maybe she doesn't want babies, etc. I think you know your sister very well and your thoughts about her being conflicted are on to something. The condescending comments and judgy attitude may be her hard shell and her cover for feeling super vulnerable and hurt. Your family and life path may hurt her at this point in her life, but it isn't because she doesn't like or love you. I think it's because it's a reminder of what she would like to have too (all of us!) and that is very hard for her right now.

Sorry, I went into full psych mode on you, but I just want to offer up another perspective! Medical school makes you crazy which is no excuse to be mean spirited to others. If anything it will hopefully humble you as you are dedicating your life to helping others. I know some people go into medicine for prestige, etc. but the reality is that you are busting your butt so that you can be there for others. Once you're in deep, you kind of realize you may have to make a choice of what comes first. So many surgeons are men as I do feel it's easier for them (this is a generalization) to work 80 hour work weeks while have a family at home. A surgeon could realistically go days without seeing their children. Ugh. That's a tough choice for a woman. This isn't to sound sexist or say there aren't amaze ball women surgeons because there are (thank goodness). But I do feel it's a unique struggle for women in medicine.

What about writing a letter to your sis? You could be really warm and loving and heartfelt and honest. Tell her you miss her more than anything and that you want to be there for her. Remind her of the old days and tell her you can't wait to celebrate in all her life's joys. You could write it and tuck it away and decide to give it to her later or never. Either way, I think it's always helpful and cathartic to get your feelings out especially when it's surrounded by so much hurt.

I wish you the best. I have one sister and we used to be so close and have grown apart. I'm not sure why, but I miss her deeply so I can relate to the mourning of that bond. I think I'll write a letter .

Thank you for this post. It helps me to have a deeper understanding of what she's going through. She still confides in me. Not like before, but some, and I do know from her own lips how scared she is about her life. Let me explain.

My sister is brilliant, but she comes from a very humble background. She went to public school, her undergrad is from a good university. But, med school is a TOP university. All her classmates are Ivy League educated and people who've had every opportunity growing up. She has expressed to me that she doesn't feel smart enough amongst these people (which she is, but she doesn't think so). She has poured herself into med school more so than any other med school student I know. She has no life outside of it. So she's pretty high up in her class. She is the rare breed that got a full scholarship to med school so I know she has to feel crazy amounts of pressure to prove that she deserves this and that she can compete with all these other candidates. Her current bf is from this pool of people and she really, really, really likes him, so she must be feeling some pressure to be on constant intellectual mode there too.

Then she's told me how scared she is to choose the wrong specialty, she obsessed about it for a year (many long phone calls about this) and she told me she's afraid the clock is ticking and she doesn't know when she'll be able to have kids, etc.

So yes, I know there's a lot of pressure there that I can't even begin to imagine.

 

[House Cat]

I have to go against the grain here...

I don't think she is jealous at all. I think her arrogance stems from the fact that she is becoming a doctor and now she feels she is better than the rest of her family. When she is around her "equals" such as her boyfriend, she engages in belittling behavior WITH HIM, not toward him. If she were a bitter and jealous person, her anger would spew all over everyone...boyfriend included.

That is my 2 cents.

OP, You said you were worried about ruining her vacation. Are you always so concerned for her wellbeing at the sacrifice of your own? If so, has this always been your dynamic? If it has been, then maybe her rude behavior has always been present, just in a more mild form? Maybe she has always been the more dominant member of the relationship and you the more giving one? Maybe you should look back through the relationship and see the flaws that were there before medical school. Are the things that are happening now just magnified versions of what were happening then? Are the issues the same but now you are just more sensitive to them because you miss her and wish to have some sort of connection to her that would balance out the negative traits like you did in the past?

 

[House Cat]

I could not agree more with House Cat's advice. Hopefully a good heart to heart talk will help close the distance you two are feeling right now. Who knows maybe there is something that has been bothering her that she will share. I hope this all works out well for you and your sister. I can tell how upsetting thie distance between the two for you has been to for.

House Cat, Thank you for the advice. I think I may need to follow your advice as well.

You're welcome!

 

[JDDN]

I'm not going to attempt to analyze her behavior bc I don't have enough knowledge about either of you. But as to your question, I do think that you should talk to her. When I hear negative criticism from my family about my lifestyle or choices, I address them and drama usually ensues but it is worth it. The relationship evolves after the drama, for better or for worse, but I never regret it.

Not sure if this is in reference to what I wrote, but thought I'd comment.

OP, I wasn't trying to analyze your sister's behavior, more I was trying to offer up some different perspectives. Of course I couldn't know what she is truly feeling! I just know some of my feelings about whether or not I wanted to have a family in the future while I was in medical school. I had zero idea of whether or not I wanted children, but the reality is that that choice, that option, that freedom seems extremely saddled and difficult when your in medical school and then later residency. It can make for a very conflicted person. That plus all the other stressors with where will you have to move for residency? If you have a boyfriend, where will he move for residency? Will it result in a breakup if you land in two different states? List goes on.

Again, I am in no way making excuses for her. Rather I'm offering up one experience of what medical school can do to someone's well-being. Maybe it has nothing to do with her arrogance and attitude. I'm just sharing here.

 

[CJ2008]

I'm not going to attempt to analyze her behavior bc I don't have enough knowledge about either of you. But as to your question, I do think that you should talk to her. When I hear negative criticism from my family about my lifestyle or choices, I address them and drama usually ensues but it is worth it. The relationship evolves after the drama, for better or for worse, but I never regret it.

Not sure if this is in reference to what I wrote, but thought I'd comment.

OP, I wasn't trying to analyze your sister's behavior, more I was trying to offer up some different perspectives. Of course I couldn't know what she is truly feeling! I just know some of my feelings about whether or not I wanted to have a family in the future while I was in medical school. I had zero idea of whether or not I wanted children, but the reality is that that choice, that option, that freedom seems extremely saddled and difficult when your in medical school and then later residency. It can make for a very conflicted person. That plus all the other stressors with where will you have to move for residency? If you have a boyfriend, where will he move for residency? Will it result in a breakup if you land in two different states? List goes on.

Again, I am in no way making excuses for her. Rather I'm offering up a first hand experience of what medical school can do to someone's well-being. Maybe it has nothing to do with her arrogance and attitude. Maybe it does. Again, how would I know for certain? I'm just sharing here.

JDDN - Just in case...

By agreeing with Nala, I did not at all mean to point back to any one specific post, yours or anyone else's (I don't think nala did either, what she said is probably just how she saw it, regardless of what anyone else said)...and I've only been skimming responses for the most part.

But when I read Nala's I thought it really just got to the heart of the matter. In other words, yes, talk to her - only good can come it no matter what happens (as long as she is able to approach neutrally, etc.)

Just wanted you to know.

(and by the way, I don't think there's anything wrong per se in analyzing someone's behavior - and I love to analyze! And when I post for advice, I enjoy hearing how other people see a situation and enjoy going back and forth. But I also of course always know the bottom line is we can never ever know what someone else is thinking or feeling unless we ask them.)

 

[MollyMalone]

I've always had a terrific relationship with my brother & we have a lot of shared history (although I'm the older of us two, I have no memories of life before him). So I would not be nearly as quick as some others in this thread to "write him off" were I to find myself in a similar situation with him.

Two things in your posts, omd, leap out at me: (1) despite the stressors she's experiencing & the fact that she has a boyfriend, your sister has chosen to spend her only vacation time this year with you, and (2) she has confided no small measure of her insecurities-anxieties to you. Those are huge hallmarks imo of a person who is not indifferent to being in a meaningful relationship with you.

Assuming (in light of your posts) that you want to try to have a dialogue with her, I suggest that -- especially since she is with you now, so you have the opportunity for face-to-face conversation -- you do not write her a letter/send an e-mail after she leaves. Due to their very nature, those kind of missives don't permit contemporaneously unfolding, true conversation & exist in a sort of vacuum where tone, inflection, demeanor are diminished and/or sorely subject to misinterpretation if not unequivocally adoring.

Like momhappy, I would stay away from saying anything like "you're not being true to yourself", which I imagine she (and most of us) would hear as presumptuous, "I know you better than you know you" or criticism. Of course, if she bursts into tears saying "I hate my life, myself", you need not stand stone cold. Indicating your receptivity by asking her if she will share more about that, instead of swiftly jumping in with your own observations, will enable her to feel "heard", just as you want to be heard by her.

Similarly, I'd leave out any references to belittling/obnoxious comments she's made to your parents and other family members. Very likely to put her on the defensive or raise her ire because she probably will think that you are looking to simply "dump" on her; plus, such a dump suggests that family members have been talking about her behind her back for some time, rather than addressing those issues up front with her in the moments or shortly thereafter. Serious distractions/road blocks to a conversation you hope will foster truer connection between the two of you.

We typically perceive-filter things through our own lenses. So it's not outside the realm of possibility that you will hear some things from her that take you aback, hurt you, make you feel defensive. If that happens, it's more than A-OK to take pressure off yourself, not immediately respond with anything beyond "Wow, I had no idea. That's a hard thing for me to hear, so I want some time to reflect on that." That's not an admission you think she's right, just an acknowledgment that you heard what she was saying. (She likewise may not immediately take ownership of some things you say to her, but that won't necessarily mean she's dismissing you.)

But I am reeeeelly hoping that, even if it's a difficult conversation, it's a meaningful one. And that you two will find yourselves on a more even, comfortable keel with each other in the future, even if not right away.

All best, truly ~ Molly

 

[JDDN]

Here's another perspective from someone who has gone to medical school. It does change you. There is so much uncertainty during medical school and after and it makes it hard to plan. This is especially hard for those Type A people and....eh hem, most of us in MD school were a tad Type A, lol. I had a few classmates who had babies during medical school and I couldn't begin to imagine what that was like. When I read through your posts it sounds more like she's unhappy and that the bad breakup had everything to do with the start of her unhappiness. Much more so than ego. The way you describe her and your relationship before is so beautiful. She sounded like someone I'd want to be friends with!

I think when us gals go through a really bad break up, it makes you question all the wonderful things you dreamed about. It's also hard to trust in love for awhile. The reality is that medical school can be all consuming. It can suck the life out of you too. For women it's especially difficult because your reproductive life is dwindling and that is tough because you struggle with working your a$$ off and wanting the career but also wanting the family life too. That coupled with having your heart broken can make for a changed person.

It kind of sounds like some of her comments are her own defenses as she is hurting inside. She probably knows deep down that she does want a family, but it's tough to admit it when it seems so far away. It's easier to say that she doesn't need a man to feel loved, or that maybe she doesn't want babies, etc. I think you know your sister very well and your thoughts about her being conflicted are on to something. The condescending comments and judgy attitude may be her hard shell and her cover for feeling super vulnerable and hurt. Your family and life path may hurt her at this point in her life, but it isn't because she doesn't like or love you. I think it's because it's a reminder of what she would like to have too (all of us!) and that is very hard for her right now.

Sorry, I went into full psych mode on you, but I just want to offer up another perspective! Medical school makes you crazy which is no excuse to be mean spirited to others. If anything it will hopefully humble you as you are dedicating your life to helping others. I know some people go into medicine for prestige, etc. but the reality is that you are busting your butt so that you can be there for others. Once you're in deep, you kind of realize you may have to make a choice of what comes first. So many surgeons are men as I do feel it's easier for them (this is a generalization) to work 80 hour work weeks while have a family at home. A surgeon could realistically go days without seeing their children. Ugh. That's a tough choice for a woman. This isn't to sound sexist or say there aren't amaze ball women surgeons because there are (thank goodness). But I do feel it's a unique struggle for women in medicine.

What about writing a letter to your sis? You could be really warm and loving and heartfelt and honest. Tell her you miss her more than anything and that you want to be there for her. Remind her of the old days and tell her you can't wait to celebrate in all her life's joys. You could write it and tuck it away and decide to give it to her later or never. Either way, I think it's always helpful and cathartic to get your feelings out especially when it's surrounded by so much hurt.

I wish you the best. I have one sister and we used to be so close and have grown apart. I'm not sure why, but I miss her deeply so I can relate to the mourning of that bond. I think I'll write a letter .

Thank you for this post. It helps me to have a deeper understanding of what she's going through. She still confides in me. Not like before, but some, and I do know from her own lips how scared she is about her life. Let me explain.

My sister is brilliant, but she comes from a very humble background. She went to public school, her undergrad is from a good university. But, med school is a TOP university. All her classmates are Ivy League educated and people who've had every opportunity growing up. She has expressed to me that she doesn't feel smart enough amongst these people (which she is, but she doesn't think so). She has poured herself into med school more so than any other med school student I know. She has no life outside of it. So she's pretty high up in her class. She is the rare breed that got a full scholarship to med school so I know she has to feel crazy amounts of pressure to prove that she deserves this and that she can compete with all these other candidates. Her current bf is from this pool of people and she really, really, really likes him, so she must be feeling some pressure to be on constant intellectual mode there too.

Then she's told me how scared she is to choose the wrong specialty, she obsessed about it for a year (many long phone calls about this) and she told me she's afraid the clock is ticking and she doesn't know when she'll be able to have kids, etc.

So yes, I know there's a lot of pressure there that I can't even begin to imagine.

Wow, it sound like she's under a lot of pressure. It's easy to be "unhappy" in med school, lol. What strikes me is that she is confiding in you and that is really great. I know you said it's not like before, but at least it's something. I'm betting there aren't too many people she can say these things to.

As far as writing a letter, that suggestion was more of a way to get your feelings out more than anything. I completely agree that these types of things can come out wrong in an email or letter as the nuances can get lost. Probably talking with her at some point would be your best bet, but having written down some of your feelings may help with that conversation.

This is tough, there's no one right way to address it!

 

[JDDN]

I'm not going to attempt to analyze her behavior bc I don't have enough knowledge about either of you. But as to your question, I do think that you should talk to her. When I hear negative criticism from my family about my lifestyle or choices, I address them and drama usually ensues but it is worth it. The relationship evolves after the drama, for better or for worse, but I never regret it.

Not sure if this is in reference to what I wrote, but thought I'd comment.

OP, I wasn't trying to analyze your sister's behavior, more I was trying to offer up some different perspectives. Of course I couldn't know what she is truly feeling! I just know some of my feelings about whether or not I wanted to have a family in the future while I was in medical school. I had zero idea of whether or not I wanted children, but the reality is that that choice, that option, that freedom seems extremely saddled and difficult when your in medical school and then later residency. It can make for a very conflicted person. That plus all the other stressors with where will you have to move for residency? If you have a boyfriend, where will he move for residency? Will it result in a breakup if you land in two different states? List goes on.

Again, I am in no way making excuses for her. Rather I'm offering up a first hand experience of what medical school can do to someone's well-being. Maybe it has nothing to do with her arrogance and attitude. Maybe it does. Again, how would I know for certain? I'm just sharing here.

JDDN - Just in case...

By agreeing with Nala, I did not at all mean to point back to any one specific post, yours or anyone else's (I don't think nala did either, what she said is probably just how she saw it, regardless of what anyone else said)...and I've only been skimming responses for the most part.

But when I read Nala's I thought it really just got to the heart of the matter. In other words, yes, talk to her - only good can come it no matter what happens (as long as she is able to approach neutrally, etc.)

Just wanted you to know.

(and by the way, I don't think there's anything wrong per se in analyzing someone's behavior - and I love to analyze! And when I post for advice, I enjoy hearing how other people see a situation and enjoy going back and forth. But I also of course always know the bottom line is we can never ever know what someone else is thinking or feeling unless we ask them.)

CJ2008, you are so sweet to let me know!

I just wanted to say of course I can't know exactly how the OP's sister felt.

I too appreciate hearing how other people view situations and reading the back and forth. I think discussion and differing opinions is good!

 

[SylviaF]

I wanted to thank you ALL for your comments; they gave me so much to consider. It is so helpful to hear different viewpoints from outsiders who are not conected to the situation.

She left today and we had a chance to talk before her flight. I lovingly asked a lot of questions and listened. She does feel that she has changed dramatically due to the breakup and the stress of med school.

Then we talked about the judgemental comments and she got defensive and assumed her place of superiority. I told her I was trying to understand if these coments stem from the stress, etc. At her request I gave her a few examples, like the incident about the American Girl lunch. She apologized for a coupple of these comments and "understood how they could be hurtful" but basically said that this is who she is now, and maybe this is a better version of herself. She said before she was happier, but she was trying to people-please all the time (not me specifically). So if she's more opinionated now maybe that's better for her, it means she's assertive and is getting what she wants out of life.

She doesn't have any complaints about me except that, me telling her these things makes her feel like she cannot express her opinion and has to walk on eggshells.

Which is not the case, I respect her opinions. What she's doing is not expressing an opinion, is putting down others for having their own.

We both want to be part of each other's lives and miss our relationship, but honestly, the relationship will not go back to what it was. I honestly still felt judged and sort of like I was being psychoanalyzed through this conversation. LOL. I'm glad I got it off my chest, you ladies were correct that an in-person conversation was needed, not a letter. We'll see how it goes from here.

 

[ckrickett]

I do not have to like a person just because he/she is a close blood relative to me.

I have not spoken to my elder sister since 2002 after an argument.

She has not spoken to my younger brother since 1989, or seen my parents since then.

To me, it is no big deal that she is not part of my life - I do not want her to be because I do not like her.

DK

+1 to this

I can't STAND my aunt. Pretty much despise her and her husband. Selfish, spiteful, horrible people!

As for you. I would figure out what YOU want out of your relationship with your sister. Do you want her around so maybe you just bite your tongue and let her make the comments because she may hold a grudge? Or is it important for you to tell her how her attitude and comments are making you and your family feel, even if those remarks might make her hold a grudge? What can you live with in this situation, what will make you feel happy or at least feel content.

Ultimately you need to do what is best for you in this situation.

 

[ckrickett]

I wanted to thank you ALL for your comments; they gave me so much to consider. It is so helpful to hear different viewpoints from outsiders who are not conected to the situation.

She left today and we had a chance to talk before her flight. I lovingly asked a lot of questions and listened. She does feel that she has changed dramatically due to the breakup and the stress of med school.

Then we talked about the judgemental comments and she got defensive and assumed her place of superiority. I told her I was trying to understand if these coments stem from the stress, etc. At her request I gave her a few examples, like the incident about the American Girl lunch. She apologized for a coupple of these comments and "understood how they could be hurtful" but basically said that this is who she is now, and maybe this is a better version of herself. She said before she was happier, but she was trying to people-please all the time (not me specifically). So if she's more opinionated now maybe that's better for her, it means she's assertive and is getting what she wants out of life.

She doesn't have any complaints about me except that, me telling her these things makes her feel like she cannot express her opinion and has to walk on eggshells.

Which is not the case, I respect her opinions. What she's doing is not expressing an opinion, is putting down others for having their own.

We both want to be part of each other's lives and miss our relationship, but honestly, the relationship will not go back to what it was. I honestly still felt judged and sort of like I was being psychoanalyzed through this conversation. LOL. I'm glad I got it off my chest, you ladies were correct that an in-person conversation was needed, not a letter. We'll see how it goes from here.

good for you having that conversation. It sounds like she understands, and if she has to walk on eggshells a bit so not to be considered rude in some situations that is what most adults do anyways. Lord knows I have bitten my tongue on some instances where I wanted to speak my mind.

as long as you both know where each other is coming from I think you guys will be ok!

 

[MJ_Mac]

omd21 - My heart bled a little for you when I read your posts. I've had ongoing issues with my sister so I understand your pain. Relationships with siblings are complicated to say the least. I won't offer any advice, I'll just share with you what a therapist told me once. She said I was never going to have the type of relationship with my sister that I wanted and I had to accept that reality. You mentioned your relationship will probably no longer be the same. I'm sure it won't, I just hope you're able to find a balance going forward.

P.S. I'm glad you were able to talk to your sister face to face as it's something I never had the guts to do.

 

[LLJsmom]

It's a great thing that she said what was in her mind, about how she feels like she would need to walk on "eggshells" around you. Now you know exactly where she stands. I totally get it from her perspective. She thinks she is not saying things to hurt you personally but just stating her opinion. If it happens to be in opposition to how you lead your life and what you believe in, that is just coincidental. She is not targeting you. That is exactly what my aunt told me about her interaction with my mom.

However I totally get my mom's POV too. Even though my aunt has no intentions to hurt her, the comments do hurt.

So what to do? You know the kind of person your sister is. She states her thoughts directly and needs to in order to be true to herself. You often find her comments hurtful and offensive even if she does not mean to be. It feels like it. You can't become a different person who does not take these things personally. So do you want to be in her company and force yourself to be ok with being hurt? Do you want to debate and argue her comments with what you truly respond in your head? Or do you want to stay out of these situations altogether by minimizing time with her so you are not hurt? What is your tolerance level? You need to answer this question because it's the only one left. No one is changing. You are who you are and your sister is who she is. You can't change other people only your response to them.

 

[MishB]

I have no helpful advice, but I do feel for you. My sister and I were always (to me) very close, I thought we were best friends. But in the last 5-10 years she has changed, becoming also bitter and hard. Almost a year ago we had a massive fight over an issue that made me realise she did not value me even a fraction of the amount I valued her. She just doesn't care about me and my life at all.

We have not spoken at all, I am assuming the next time I will see or speak to her will be at a family funeral.

I am heartbroken as I have lost my sister and my best friend, and it has irreparably damaged my relationship with her daughter, my only niece and my godchild.

Good luck, I hope you manage to work it out.

 

[missy]

I have no helpful advice, but I do feel for you. My sister and I were always (to me) very close, I thought we were best friends. But in the last 5-10 years she has changed, becoming also bitter and hard. Almost a year ago we had a massive fight over an issue that made me realise she did not value me even a fraction of the amount I valued her. She just doesn't care about me and my life at all.

We have not spoken at all, I am assuming the next time I will see or speak to her will be at a family funeral.

I am heartbroken as I have lost my sister and my best friend, and it has irreparably damaged my relationship with her daughter, my only niece and my godchild.

Good luck, I hope you manage to work it out.

I'm so sorry Mish. Time really shows people for who they are doesn't it. It is always sad when family and good friends grow apart for whatever reason. Heartbreaking on many different levels.

I learned a lot about my sister too over the last couple of years and it too made me pretty sad. When traumatic things happen in life it shows you who is there for you and who just isn't there the way you would like them to be. My dh always says don't put your expectations on others because you will always be disappointed. The way we would act in a situation is not always the way others would and inevitably disappoint ensues.

Just sharing to show you that you are certainly not alone and probably the majority of people feel this way about someone they love. I hope somehow you and the OP and anybody else in a similar situation can work it out. But sometimes you just cannot and need to accept the reality of the situation. It is what it is and you just do the best you can with it. (((Hugs))).

 

[House Cat]

She doesn't have any complaints about me except that, me telling her these things makes her feel like she cannot express her opinion and has to walk on eggshells.

This is very manipulative.

This is her way of maintaining her "assertive" persona without taking responsibility for the harm it is doing to others. By the way, she is not being assertive. She is aggressive, hurtful, arrogant, and the fact that she is wanting to maintain her way of being shows a real immaturity.

If it were me, I would let her be for now. She is maintaining her stance. I would allow her to go be her aggressive, hurtful self elsewhere. That attitude won't fare well in life. I would go live my life and fill it with all of the joy that I could and take my focus off of my sister. There is no need to focus on the negative, this only takes away from the good things in our lives. It sounds as though you have plenty of good things going for you!!

 

[wildcat03]

When I look back at who I was in medical school and residency, I'm grateful that those times are over. I was not my best self. I could cite lots of circumstances, but at the end we are all personally responsible for ourselves and our reactions. I was probably arrogant. I took anything said negatively about doctors personally (it has taken me a long time to let those comments roll off my back). I was single and had very little support. None of my college friends were my year in medical school, all of my post-college friends had moved on and were getting married and later having children and buying houses while I was trying really hard to make my financial aid check stretch 6 months. School/training were so demanding that every time I started to date someone I really liked and think it was going somewhere, he would think we weren't serious because I had such little free time to spend together. As I watched my 20s and early 30s slip away in a sleep-deprived blur, I gradually came to terms with the sacrifices I had made for my career, but it took a lot of time. It was only once I came to terms with myself that I could have better family relationships. Honestly, I think I was, at times, jealous of my sister - she had a nice boyfriend who followed her halfway across the country for grad school, she did a 2 year grad program and was out (and married, considering starting a family) a month after I was done with residency (despite being 5 years younger and taking a few years off between college and grad school). Once I was happy with my life, I could stop being jealous and repair our relationship.

 

[SylviaF]

She doesn't have any complaints about me except that, me telling her these things makes her feel like she cannot express her opinion and has to walk on eggshells.

This is very manipulative.

This is her way of maintaining her "assertive" persona without taking responsibility for the harm it is doing to others. By the way, she is not being assertive. She is aggressive, hurtful, arrogant, and the fact that she is wanting to maintain her way of being shows a real immaturity.

If it were me, I would let her be for now. She is maintaining her stance. I would allow her to go be her aggressive, hurtful self elsewhere. That attitude won't fare well in life. I would go live my life and fill it with all of the joy that I could and take my focus off of my sister. There is no need to focus on the negative, this only takes away from the good things in our lives. It sounds as though you have plenty of good things going for you!!

It is. It's like my teenager coming to tell me: "Mom, I lied to you, but I don't want to talk about it because it makes me feel bad about myself."

She said this doesn't happen to her in other relationships but I disagree. I've seen many of her relationships fail because of her strong personality. She's on survival mode right now and perhaps with time she'll be able to see the larger picture.

The plan is to leave her alone for now. I have to go back to my regularly scheduled programming.

 

[SylviaF]

When I look back at who I was in medical school and residency, I'm grateful that those times are over. I was not my best self. I could cite lots of circumstances, but at the end we are all personally responsible for ourselves and our reactions. I was probably arrogant. I took anything said negatively about doctors personally (it has taken me a long time to let those comments roll off my back). I was single and had very little support. None of my college friends were my year in medical school, all of my post-college friends had moved on and were getting married and later having children and buying houses while I was trying really hard to make my financial aid check stretch 6 months. School/training were so demanding that every time I started to date someone I really liked and think it was going somewhere, he would think we weren't serious because I had such little free time to spend together. As I watched my 20s and early 30s slip away in a sleep-deprived blur, I gradually came to terms with the sacrifices I had made for my career, but it took a lot of time. It was only once I came to terms with myself that I could have better family relationships. Honestly, I think I was, at times, jealous of my sister - she had a nice boyfriend who followed her halfway across the country for grad school, she did a 2 year grad program and was out (and married, considering starting a family) a month after I was done with residency (despite being 5 years younger and taking a few years off between college and grad school). Once I was happy with my life, I could stop being jealous and repair our relationship.

Thank you. Having accounts from others in that journey help me to have hope for her. I'm so glad you were able to patch things up with your sister and that you've found happiness.

 

[SylviaF]

I have no helpful advice, but I do feel for you. My sister and I were always (to me) very close, I thought we were best friends. But in the last 5-10 years she has changed, becoming also bitter and hard. Almost a year ago we had a massive fight over an issue that made me realise she did not value me even a fraction of the amount I valued her. She just doesn't care about me and my life at all.

We have not spoken at all, I am assuming the next time I will see or speak to her will be at a family funeral.

I am heartbroken as I have lost my sister and my best friend, and it has irreparably damaged my relationship with her daughter, my only niece and my godchild.

Good luck, I hope you manage to work it out.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's painful, isn't it? I'm feeling the same way at this moment: that my level of concern for her is way above and beyond anything she expresses for me. I hope you can find some peace, and I hope there can be reconciliation between the two of you.

 

[Polished]

Just a thought - I wonder whether the "treading on eggshells" comment by your sister might be because she senses you're kind of on high alert looking for her to slip up. Some of her stuff doesn't sound ok - the ridiculing of the place you'd taken the kids, not directly to you but in front of you to her boyfriend - not cool. However because you've known a better time in your relationship with her and you'd like it to be that way again it might make you come across as caring too much, controlling too much. I wonder whether more of a "whatevah", "I actually don't give a darn" attitude might get both of you through this stage in your relationship better. At the moment she's the one with the power in the relationship because you care.

 

[D_]

She said this doesn't happen to her in other relationships but I disagree. I've seen many of her relationships fail because of her strong personality.

OP, if I may ask, do you know the reason her last relationship ended? (the one which hit her pretty hard and you suspect became part of the reason she changed)

 

[aljdewey]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's painful, isn't it? I'm feeling the same way at this moment: that my level of concern for her is way above and beyond anything she expresses for me. I hope you can find some peace, and I hope there can be reconciliation between the two of you.

OMD, I'm so sorry for you - I've been in your shoes, and I know how hurtful it is. Like you, I had a very close relationship with my younger sister during our childhood. As she moved into early adulthood, she really did struggle to find her way and feel validated, and it did have an impact on our relationship. It seemed like everything was grounds for being combative. Knowing that she lacked confidence, I really thought that once she found her footing and felt more self-confident, the aggression would mellow and we could get to the close adult relationship I thought we should and could have.

I hung in for 20 years, trying to make things progress; she was my sister and I didn't want to give up on her. Ten years ago, I finally was in a place to accept the reality in front of me: the person I knew as a kid wasn't the person she was now, and I really didn't like the person she'd become. Accepting that felt like a death; it was like I lost the person who meant the most to me. After that, I realized she was a toxic relationship for me and let it go. It's been ten years since then, and we haven't spoken. She's tried a few times to reach out to reconcile, and while I don't wish her ill, I no longer want a relationship with her at all.

To me, your sister's behavior does sound hurtful and aggressive. It's not the content of her opinions (doesn't see the value in diamonds or in shopping/lunching at AG); it's that she has to put down and ridicule you and your choices because they don't align with her values/choices. She's calling you a fool (in front of others!) because you do value them or implying that you need diamonds to feel loved, and that's not ok.

Her behavior strikes me as her being terribly insecure; it feels like she's either trying to validate her choices or offset her own feelings of inferiority by assuming a superior position instead. I'm really sorry this is so upsetting for you, and I hope you're able to find a way to neutralize the impact it's having on your feelings.

 

[SylviaF]

She said this doesn't happen to her in other relationships but I disagree. I've seen many of her relationships fail because of her strong personality.

OP, if I may ask, do you know the reason her last relationship ended? (the one which hit her pretty hard and you suspect became part of the reason she changed)

Without going into too much detail, there's been two breakups. The first one the guy was kind of a jerk, actually, but she was very committed and a devoted, loving girlfriend which, truly, he didn't deserve. They lived together for a few years. Eventually he couldn't commit and she wanted marriage so it ended. After this is when she decided to go to med school out of the blue (after having a totally different career). The second guy was great but same scenario. She was ready for a deeper commitment and he wasn't.

 

[SylviaF]

Just a thought - I wonder whether the "treading on eggshells" comment by your sister might be because she senses you're kind of on high alert looking for her to slip up. Some of her stuff doesn't sound ok - the ridiculing of the place you'd taken the kids, not directly to you but in front of you to her boyfriend - not cool. However because you've known a better time in your relationship with her and you'd like it to be that way again it might make you come across as caring too much, controlling too much. I wonder whether more of a "whatevah", "I actually don't give a darn" attitude might get both of you through this stage in your relationship better. At the moment she's the one with the power in the relationship because you care.

Thank you for giving me this to consider, you might be on to something.

 

[SylviaF]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's painful, isn't it? I'm feeling the same way at this moment: that my level of concern for her is way above and beyond anything she expresses for me. I hope you can find some peace, and I hope there can be reconciliation between the two of you.

OMD, I'm so sorry for you - I've been in your shoes, and I know how hurtful it is. Like you, I had a very close relationship with my younger sister during our childhood. As she moved into early adulthood, she really did struggle to find her way and feel validated, and it did have an impact on our relationship. It seemed like everything was grounds for being combative. Knowing that she lacked confidence, I really thought that once she found her footing and felt more self-confident, the aggression would mellow and we could get to the close adult relationship I thought we should and could have.

I hung in for 20 years, trying to make things progress; she was my sister and I didn't want to give up on her. Ten years ago, I finally was in a place to accept the reality in front of me: the person I knew as a kid wasn't the person she was now, and I really didn't like the person she'd become. Accepting that felt like a death; it was like I lost the person who meant the most to me. After that, I realized she was a toxic relationship for me and let it go. It's been ten years since then, and we haven't spoken. She's tried a few times to reach out to reconcile, and while I don't wish her ill, I no longer want a relationship with her at all.

To me, your sister's behavior does sound hurtful and aggressive. It's not the content of her opinions (doesn't see the value in diamonds or in shopping/lunching at AG); it's that she has to put down and ridicule you and your choices because they don't align with her values/choices. She's calling you a fool (in front of others!) because you do value them or implying that you need diamonds to feel loved, and that's not ok.

Her behavior strikes me as her being terribly insecure; it feels like she's either trying to validate her choices or offset her own feelings of inferiority by assuming a superior position instead. I'm really sorry this is so upsetting for you, and I hope you're able to find a way to neutralize the impact it's having on your feelings.

I'm so sorry about your relationship with your sister ending. It sounds like you are in a place of peace now.