What to do about bitter sister

[SylviaF]

My younger sister and I were extremely close growing up and through early adulthood. I got married and had children pretty early, and she's chosen to be single while pursuing medical school. We were best friends, confiding in each other and seeking each other's advice with major life decisions, etc. We were as close as two sisters and best friends can be.

About four years ago, things started to change between us. As she started medical school, her personality gradually changed. It's hard to explain exactly, but she's sort of bitter and makes arrogant, condescending comments towards my family constantly. She thinks she knows it all to an extreme, even in the most trivial of conversations she'll act as if she's the ultimate authority on what's right or wrong. It's very irritating because this behavior is present every single time we get together (she lives in another state).

About a year after this turning point in our relationship, our oldest daughter went through an unnecessary surgery because of a doctor that didn't do his job properly. Our frustration with this one doctor was known by the whole family and was taken personally by her. She made a pretty big deal about it, even though no comments were made that generalized our disappointment towards ALL doctors, and even though I tell her constantly of how proud I am of her and make positive comments about her choice to pursue medical school, etc. I even seek her opinion about medical issues sometimes and respect her input. This incident, however, widened the rift between us.

She constantly judges our lifestyle. For instance, when we visited her in the city where she lives, I wanted to take my girls to have lunch at the American Girl place. She introduced us to her boyfriend, and minutes after, she told him in front of us that we had been to lunch there, and laughed with him in front of us about how ridiculous it is that parents buy their kids those expensive dolls and clothes, and how much of fool I am to spend my money that way.

About the fact that I lost my engagement ring recently and we are actively looking for a replacement / upgrade, she immediately said she can't believe some people spend money on diamonds, and she doesn't need a diamond to feel loved. I did not flaunt or brag about the replacement, just casually asked her one day about what style she liked. In the past, if my husband gave me a present, she'd be ecstatic for me.

When she makes these comments I just ignore her. I am not the type who can have a prefect comeback in these kinds of situations. I've thought about talking to her about all this but I'm afraid I may push her even further apart and with her attitude, I really don't think it will go well and I don't want to create any drama.

I'm finding myself feeling bad in her presence constantly. I've tried for the past four years to be warm and rekindle the friendship we had. I was hopeful but for the first time ever I'm starting to think we may never be the same and I'm sort of mourning the loss of the sister I cherished so much.

Have you dealt with estrangement from a close family member before, how did you deal with it? Any thoughts?

 

[partgypsy]

First of all, don't beat yourself up. People do grow apart. It does sound like you have different lives right now.
I have a twin sister, and while there are sometimes we get along, other times, no. Our lives turned out very different. The growing apart for us, probably started in HS but became evident college-afterwards. And it takes 2 people to make a relationship.

I think there is a way to have different values from someone else, without being judgmental or bitter (or mocking!) towards the other person. Maybe she has heavy school debts or envies that you were able to have kids.

If you value her friendship, just try to find areas that you still connect on, like your parents or memories from childhood, any shared interests. Also maybe learn more about what is going on in her life, and listen over sharing. Hopefully over time you can bond over the things that you do share, and respect each other for the things you don't.

 

[House Cat]

I hear that you are afraid to push her further away, but it sounds as though she is already as far away as it gets with her arrogance. When someone is behaving this way and we feel hurt by it, I have always been advised to come at them from a soft place...with our hurt feelings, instead of anger. Maybe it is time to let her know how much she has hurt you. I think that when we put our pain into the right words, only the worst of the worst can get angry with us.

This means no accusations. Stay focused on how hurt you are, how much the distance hurts, how you cherished your close relationship in the past, how you miss her, what happened? Well, you will know better what to say, but speak from your heart and from your pain, be vulnerable, even if that is difficult because she has been so hurtful. Really, we all need to be this way to get to the heart of the matter.

If she still goes cold on you...then you tried. Maybe she will have to be with her feelings about hurting you for a while. Maybe she will have to reflect on her arrogant behavior and have a change of heart later. Or maybe she really has changed into a pretentious individual due to the fact that she has been surrounded by a group of people that act this way as well...?

 

[telephone89]

I am not usually one to jump to this conclusion - but maybe she is a bit jealous? I know that women I know who have pursued their career first are sometimes jealous of the ones that pursued their family first. And it can go vice versa as well.

Tbh I'd probably say something. "Sister, I love you, but whenever I bring up X, X or X, I feel like you only make negative comments and it hurts my feelings. I want to be able to share things with you, but these comments make me not want to." or something along those lines. If you don't want to confront her, I think you might need to take a step back. What do you still have in common? Maybe pursue conversations about that. Take more of an interest in her life, so she's less focused on yours.

I'd rather say something now, when it's still a small issue, before it gets bigger and you have a blow out and never talk to each other again. Something similar happened to my mother and aunt, and they didn't speak for ~6 or 7 years.

 

[Caramelfreak]

Medical school- I am glad I am done with it! It can be very stressful and cause personality changes. I sure did- it was only temporary though.

Anyway, I am just a little concerned about your description of your sister's personality change. yes, becoming a medical student can make us a little heady and insensitive at times. Yes, we think we think we see suffering first hand everyday and hence we are the best judge of what people do and what people eat (self-deprecating sarcasm here!). Anyway, my point is regardless, most people in medical school go through just fine and remain the sweet, lovely people they are before, through and after medical school. I am wondering if your sister is feeling a little stress/ strung out by the demands of this consuming pursuit? The whole study hard and party harder mentality can take its toll on many people, and there is actually quite a fair bit of peer pressure in medical school- there is a need to conform to be more intelligent and more different, like everyone else.

On another note, I do think some (a minority, really) do become more arrogant once they are in medical school. Suddenly everything has to have a scientific basis and if you so happen to just make a flippant comment (never ever start a sentence with "people say...") you'll be interrogated to death on all details because everyone wants to prove how intelligent, inquisitive, and scientifically-morally right they are. It's a falsehood that medical students do sometimes all into the trap of and can ruin heaps of relationships- the fallacy that we are all somehow superior because we are good at studying and taking exams and a university with a medical faculty chose us to pay hundreds of thousands to them for the privilege of becoming an average doctor. And that we are martyrs for choosing to go into debts to help mankind (puke). Nothing like residency to knock many arrogant medical students off their high-horses!

But I am digressing. I think you should have a heart to heart with your sister- it seems as if you both were very close before and now there is this drastic change. The worry is that she may be going through a very stressful period and developing unhealthy habits to deal with the stressors- and is actually silently reaching out to you. Also, she could actually be emotionally fatigued from being in medicine (yes, it's a real thing.)

The best that can happen from the talk is that she is actually fine but did somehow drank from the koolaid that medical school magically made one superior (it doesn't), and you can rescue her from her foolish thinking and gain the relationship back. Being in medicine can be like being in a cult. Seriously. Tell her the one of the key tenets of medicine is to not judge. So she should not be judging you or anyone else.

But then again I may be writing nonsense base on my very personal account of what it is like being in medical school. No randomise control trials had been conducted or even expert opinion had been sought before I came out with the advice of talking to her. So head any advice with caution- WARNING, may cause side-effects like every freaking side effect you can imagine.

But seriously, talk to her. Have a heart-to-heart. You may already had a few but I would recommend one again. If she does not respond well, at least she knows where you stand. And in the heart-to-heart, you got to listen to her side too.. like I mention, it is quite likely she is undergoing a lot stressors that, I really hate to say this, people not in medicine find hard to really commiserate with.

I must say that over the years, my sister and I have drifted apart but I will do anything for her, short of bungee jumping or crazy shit. It's to do with growing up and living quite different lives. But we still really care for each other.

 

[azstonie]

My 2 cents: She is who she is. She treats you the way she does.

Live your life! Be happy! Be a good mom and partner and everything else you sign up for

Her choices? Not your burden to carry.

Her bad behavior right now? Not your burden to carry.

 

[SylviaF]

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate your thoughts.

She's here visiting now. I could talk to her in person from the angle of me feeling hurt from the distance between us, etc. But if it goes wrong, I'll be ruining the only vacation she has all year. I'm wondering if I should write her a letter after she leaves.

Also, talking to her from the point of me feeling hurt about our distance, etc. doesn't address the condescending comments towards our family. I don't think she realizes the type of comments she's making and how hurtful they are.

I don't know if this is something i should bring up to her but i just don't think she's happy at all in her life. I don't think she realizes how much she's changed and how much warmth and humor she's lost. She went through a really traumatic breakup about four years ago, and that's when things started changing. She started saying she didn't know if marriage was for her, and that she didn't need a man to tell her he loved her, she doesn't know if she wants to have babies, etc. and weird comments like that. This would be fine coming from anyone else but I just don't think these comments are coming from who she truly is.

 

[telephone89]

I would have a chat with her and see how it goes. If it's one of those 'hug and makeup' sort of chats, then bring up the comments toward the family. If it doesn't go super well, then maybe it's not worth it.

You are very kind to not want to ruin her time, but if she is ruining YOURS that doesn't make it any better!

 

[iLander]

EGO ALERT!

Your sis has had here ego inflated and thinks she's all that. I went through the same thing when my BFF went off to a fancy college in NYC and thought she was all that. She became obnoxious, judgmental and critical. I stopped talking to her for 3 years. Then she got a dose of reality, and we picked up where we left off.

Which did us no good, ultimately, because about 15 years later, she had more ego inflation and again, she because obnoxious. We don't speak now.

There are two ways that character are tested in this life; when things are going EXTREMELY well and when things are going badly. Humility can temper the ego in both situations, but sometimes it doesn't.

So, just hope it's a phase she's going through.

ETA: I want Caramelfreak to be my doctor, she has an excellent attitude.

 

[Calliecake]

I could not agree more with House Cat's advice. Hopefully a good heart to heart talk will help close the distance you two are feeling right now. Who knows maybe there is something that has been bothering her that she will share. I hope this all works out well for you and your sister. I can tell how upsetting thie distance between the two for you has been to for.

House Cat, Thank you for the advice. I think I may need to follow your advice as well.

 

[SylviaF]

Medical school- I am glad I am done with it! It can be very stressful and cause personality changes. I sure did- it was only temporary though...

On another note, I do think some (a minority, really) do become more arrogant once they are in medical school. Suddenly everything has to have a scientific basis and if you so happen to just make a flippant comment (never ever start a sentence with "people say...") you'll be interrogated to death on all details because everyone wants to prove how intelligent, inquisitive, and scientifically-morally right they are. It's a falsehood that medical students do sometimes all into the trap of and can ruin heaps of relationships- the fallacy that we are all somehow superior because we are good at studying and taking exams and a university with a medical faculty chose us to pay hundreds of thousands to them for the privilege of becoming an average doctor. And that we are martyrs for choosing to go into debts to help mankind (puke). Nothing like residency to knock many arrogant medical students off their high-horses!

But I am digressing. I think you should have a heart to heart with your sister- it seems as if you both were very close before and now there is this drastic change. The worry is that she may be going through a very stressful period and developing unhealthy habits to deal with the stressors- and is actually silently reaching out to you. Also, she could actually be emotionally fatigued from being in medicine (yes, it's a real thing.)

It seems like your sense of humor and candor were unscathed during medical school

The paragraph above summed up her attitude perfectly, especially her needing to prove how morally right she is about the most minor things.

Thank you for helping me see it from the point of view of someone who's been through the craze of med school.

 

[SylviaF]

EGO ALERT!

...

So, just hope it's a phase she's going through.

ETA: I want Caramelfreak to be my doctor, she has an excellent attitude.

I want Caramelfreak to be my doctor too

I'm sorry you lost your friend. Great friends are hard to come by.

 

[SylviaF]

My 2 cents: She is who she is. She treats you the way she does.

Live your life! Be happy! Be a good mom and partner and everything else you sign up for

Her choices? Not your burden to carry.

Her bad behavior right now? Not your burden to carry.

Ah, easier said than done.

 

[momhappy]

People change and that's normal. I'm assuming that you've changed too over the years. Is it possible that while you're feeling irritated by her behavior/attitude, that she's feeling the she way about you? I'm not pointing fingers or anything, but these things are never one-sided and it would be interesting to hear take on it.
Sibling relationships can be tricky and this sounds like a sort of sibling rivalry to me. There may be parts of her that values certain aspects of your life and vice versa and that can create an uneasiness in a relationship. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. You should try to communicate your feelings to her (something along the lines of "I miss how close we used to be…." and see where she goes with it.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

i think your sister may be behaving like many single women who don't have kids or concerns about diamonds. Look, she was making fun of people going to a doll store to have lunch to her boyfriend.. She has no concept of how much that visit would mean to your child. In some ways it is funny, and this is from a person who has a doll collection and just sent one of those expensive dolls to my grand niece.(Gotz doll).

The same for the diamond. Why do you feel bad when she says that she cant believe that people spend money on diamonds. Half the world says that. Its just her opinion. Why are you so sensitive about it? She can't agree with you on everything just because it used to be that way. I think the next time you feel put down, ask her why she said it? Maybe she is more outspoken then she used to be. But, I have always though that people in your childhood circle sometimes don't allow a person to change or be different. You know that saying--You can't go home again--. We change.

Your sister still loves you but doesn't understand your life now, but you have to see her as well. If something really hurts you, speak up, but the doll store and the diamond represent the different stages in your lives.

Annette

 

[tuffyluvr]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. It really sounds like a difficult situation, and as someone who has had their own family drama in the past, I know it's not as easy as just writing that person off and living separate lives. I hope you are able to find resolution and feel close with your sister again.

 

[SylviaF]

Hi,

i think your sister may be behaving like many single women who don't have kids or concerns about diamonds.

... You know that saying--You can't go home again--. We change.

Your sister still loves you but doesn't understand your life now, but you have to see her as well. If something really hurts you, speak up, but the doll store and the diamond represent the different stages in your lives.

Annette

I wouldn't go as far as saying she doesn't understand my life, because my life hasn't changed that much. We had a great relationship WHILE I was married and had two kids, then things changed, so the rift is not because we chose two separate paths.

IF she would have exhibited tendencies of being this way before med school and a boyfriend breakup that happened around that time, I would think it's just that we have chosen different things for our lives, but this was a drastic change from a happy, optimistic, loving, open and warm person, to a bitter, unhappy know-it all.

She is not being true to herself. She says she doesn't want a marriage and she doesn't know if she ever wants to be pregnant, then we have lengthy conversations about her choosing a specialty with family in mind, so she contradicts herself. She'll dismiss my e-ring replacement, but she'll talk about her wedding destination if she were to have one. She is inconsistent and I know that's not truly who she is.

Have I changed a bit too, yes, probably, but not in way that would prompt this crazy behavior.

It wouldn't bother me coming from a friend, but it bothers me because she's being condescending and judgmental. Her opinion used to matter to me a lot, she was my bf and confidant.

 

[SylviaF]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. It really sounds like a difficult situation, and as someone who has had their own family drama in the past, I know it's not as easy as just writing that person off and living separate lives. I hope you are able to find resolution and feel close with your sister again.

Thank you!

 

[chemgirl]

I think it could all just be part of moving and being around new people. That changes you to some extent. I know it happened to most of my childhood friends. However, my sister was always a bit of an argumentative jerk, so law school didn't change much!

I agree that the putdowns are uncalled for, but she might not realize she's doing it. This thread is making me understand a cousin who went to med school and then went around insulting family for a few years until reality hit. I knew that deep down she loved us.

In your sister's defence, context is important here. Maybe she honestly doesn't want children. Nothing wrong with that. I thought I wanted them since I was a kid, but now realizing that I really really don't. In a way her comment about not needing a man to tell her he loves her is almost a good thing. Sure, it may have stemmed from her failed relationship, but it's wonderful that she doesn't need validation for self worth.

Ok, that was rambling, but the point I'm trying to make is that people change, relationships change, we don't all have to follow the same path, and she obviously loves you because she used her only vacation to visit with you!

So talk to her, but don't do it in an accusatory way. You might not be as close as you used to be, but that can be normal when life starts to pick up speed. It sounds like you need to work on redefining your relationship.

 

[momhappy]

I think that its interesting that you feel that she is not being true to her self. Your sister contradicting herself doesn't sound all that abnormal to me, especially for someone who's chosen a professional career path (like medicine). She's dedicating a fair portion of her life to her education, career, etc. and I can certainly see how one might have conflicting feelings about things like marriage, family, etc. I still can't help but feel that there might be another side to this story. Is it possible that you do things/act in certain ways, etc. (unknowingly) that encourages a rift between you? Again, I'm not pointing fingers and/or placing blame, but I'm just trying to understand the big picture here

 

[marymm]

From all the posts OP, it does sound like there is judging on both sides - in fact, people do change, and not always for the better and not always in ways that are predictable - people are often inconsistent - you may be assuming/misunderstanding/unaware of a backstory to her personality change - maybe instead of thinking of how things used to be and how she used to be, you could take a fresh look at your sister and decide if there is enough you find likeable/loveable about your sister *today* that you would willingly seek out her companionship and engage with her as equals, with no baggage from yesteryear. No reason why you can't challenge the basis for your sister's opinions/comments, whether they are contrary to yours or in agreement, if you do it out of a genuine desire to know how she reached her opinions.

I see myself a little in the person you describe as the bitter sister - I know several of my siblings feel similar to how you feel, about the way I matured into a person different that they expected, different from them, different to how we used to be when we were all young/younger. As a result, today I'm very close to my mom and one sibling (out of seven), the only ones who look at me and still see the real me (which includes the child I was and the adult I am now).

Sibling relationships are very tricky - I do sincerely wish you luck in finding the right path to bring you and your sister closer.

 

[SylviaF]

My 2 cents: She is who she is. She treats you the way she does.

Live your life! Be happy! Be a good mom and partner and everything else you sign up for

Her choices? Not your burden to carry.

Her bad behavior right now? Not your burden to carry.

Just had a long coversation with DH about all this and he said the same thing.

He advised me not to talk to her. He said that knowing her she will take it as criticism and hold a grudge for years.


He did bring up a good point that her behavior is not just towards me. She treats him and my parents the same way.

Thank you all for your thoughts.

 

[D_]

I agree with telephone & caramelfreak,

It could be due to jealousy.
As in, med school is not easy.
There are many reasons people go there: to be able to help others, to make a good living, to prove they are smart etc.
The end goal, just like everyone else, they want to be happy.

But what if she doesn't feel happy?
And the cognitive dissonance kicks in - you pursued a different path and didn't go through the same struggle she went through and yet you probably look happy to her.
"why the ^#$@ I'm busting my #%$# for then?"
So she started to try to justify her choice, saying things like I don't need guys to tell me they love me, don't want kids etc. - these are the stuff you have.
You did mention it doesn't sound like her (though people can and do change).

It is ultimately up to you what you want to do about it.
But staying silence won't solve a thing and it's fine if you can endure it.
It looks like you still want to maintain/fix the relationship - hence you wrote here (unless you just want to vent).
And yes, it may be a silent cry for help (I personally have made mistakes for not catching similar signals from my sister).
There are ways to approach it tactfully.
You may want to come from the point of view of being curious.
As in "this is my observation of what happened (hate the sin, not the sinner), I'm trying to understand it better because I value our relationship."
The "I" language etc., conflict resolution 101 stuff, sounds simple, not so easy to do, but when you are able to do it it's like magic when you look back.
Good luck!

 

[LLJsmom]

I have seen my mom in your position have a similar relationship with her sister all these years. My aunt will not hesitate to say things that can come across as mean, insensitive and condescending, yet often will not apply the same criticisms to herself when she is in the same situation. My mom has complained about it for years. When she was younger in her 20-30s she wasn't so negative. It's gotten worse as she has gotten older. My aunt does not treat everyone that way. Just my mom, never me.

If you can't find peace without telling her, I would come from a place of gentleness and softness. And if she isn't receptive and unwilling to try to see things from your perspective, you've done your duty. You have tried your best and you are done. Be ready to distance yourself emotionally. You don't need toxicity in your life.b even if she doesn't see it as such, you do.

I don't think anything will change her. She says what she believes and from her perspective it is not a personal attack. You don't appreciate what you perceive to be her insensitivity and judgmental attitude. Be hopeful but don't be surprised.

 

[Polished]

I think its important that whatever is going on in your sister's life to cause her to behave the way she does, it does not have a flow on effect of allowing it to spoil your life. The two of you will have very different fortunes in life and you will each reap the rewards and pay the price of this. Don't allow her negativity to spoil your fortune. I think there is something normal about choosing one life but at the same time realizing that by choosing this you are potentially forfeiting or fearing not having other things that would make life happier or more fulfilling. These deeper longings belong to the individual to resolve for themselves. Maturity is allowing others to do things differently to what you choose to do yourself.

 

[sunseeker101]

Sounds like a touch of the green-eyed monster to me, with some support from like-wise-oriented college friends for general attitude. One of the motivations for going to medical school can be money and prestige, and in that sense she might be jealous of the standing in society that you are conferred with as a married woman with children (and a contented one at that, how treacherous ). Maybe she fears never having a solid family set-up; maybe her ambitions will preclude her from that (in which case she's not wise to not make peace with it, it might indicate an unsuitable path); maybe the strength of character is such that she envies you and disparages you because her future is in turbulence, as she sees it. I say this because technically she can have all you have and a career as a doctor, so why the sourness? Her statements transmit sourness to bring down the contented feeling you have about your life: 'Oh, if things are given to me by someone else they have no value, I make myself and that's why I am valuable etc.

What to do: I think falling away from her a little bit will be good for you both, as long as you make the odd good-willed gesture or enquiry every now and then. Technically you can withdraw for self protection, tell her this and why, and that you love her. If you talked directly about it you'd have to come at it with a parental level of compassion and support, a difficult feat with an equal, a sibling.

Sorry for the ramble, I hope you can stop feeling so responsible for her negativity. You sound like a caring, self-aware individual who isn't petty enough for this bitterness claptrap. With a heart of love, there's no one can criticize you or put you down. Best of luck.

 

[D_]

If you can't find peace without telling her, I would come from a place of gentleness and softness. And if she isn't receptive and unwilling to try to see things from your perspective, you've done your duty.

+1

 

[dk168]

I do not have to like a person just because he/she is a close blood relative to me.

I have not spoken to my elder sister since 2002 after an argument.

She has not spoken to my younger brother since 1989, or seen my parents since then.

To me, it is no big deal that she is not part of my life - I do not want her to be because I do not like her.

DK

 

[JDDN]

I don't know if this is something i should bring up to her but i just don't think she's happy at all in her life. I don't think she realizes how much she's changed and how much warmth and humor she's lost. She went through a really traumatic breakup about four years ago, and that's when things started changing. She started saying she didn't know if marriage was for her, and that she didn't need a man to tell her he loved her, she doesn't know if she wants to have babies, etc. and weird comments like that. This would be fine coming from anyone else but I just don't think these comments are coming from who she truly is.

I wouldn't go as far as saying she doesn't understand my life, because my life hasn't changed that much. We had a great relationship WHILE I was married and had two kids, then things changed, so the rift is not because we chose two separate paths.

IF she would have exhibited tendencies of being this way before med school and a boyfriend breakup that happened around that time, I would think it's just that we have chosen different things for our lives, but this was a drastic change from a happy, optimistic, loving, open and warm person, to a bitter, unhappy know-it all.

She is not being true to herself. She says she doesn't want a marriage and she doesn't know if she ever wants to be pregnant, then we have lengthy conversations about her choosing a specialty with family in mind, so she contradicts herself. She'll dismiss my e-ring replacement, but she'll talk about her wedding destination if she were to have one. She is inconsistent and I know that's not truly who she is.

Have I changed a bit too, yes, probably, but not in way that would prompt this crazy behavior.

It wouldn't bother me coming from a friend, but it bothers me because she's being condescending and judgmental. Her opinion used to matter to me a lot, she was my bf and confidant.

Here's another perspective from someone who has gone to medical school. It does change you. There is so much uncertainty during medical school and after and it makes it hard to plan. This is especially hard for those Type A people and....eh hem, most of us in MD school were a tad Type A, lol. I had a few classmates who had babies during medical school and I couldn't begin to imagine what that was like. When I read through your posts it sounds more like she's unhappy and that the bad breakup had everything to do with the start of her unhappiness. Much more so than ego. The way you describe her and your relationship before is so beautiful. She sounded like someone I'd want to be friends with!

I think when us gals go through a really bad break up, it makes you question all the wonderful things you dreamed about. It's also hard to trust in love for awhile. The reality is that medical school can be all consuming. It can suck the life out of you too. For women it's especially difficult because your reproductive life is dwindling and that is tough because you struggle with working your ass off and wanting the career but also wanting the family life too. That coupled with having your heart broken can make for a changed person.

It kind of sounds like some of her comments are her own defenses as she is hurting inside. She probably knows deep down that she does want a family, but it's tough to admit it when it seems so far away. It's easier to say that she doesn't need a man to feel loved, or that maybe she doesn't want babies, etc. I think you know your sister very well and your thoughts about her being conflicted are on to something. The condescending comments and judgy attitude may be her hard shell and her cover for feeling super vulnerable and hurt. Your family and life path may hurt her at this point in her life, but it isn't because she doesn't like or love you. I think it's because it's a reminder of what she would like to have too (all of us!) and that is very hard for her right now.

Sorry, I went into full psych mode on you, but I just want to offer up another perspective! Medical school makes you crazy which is no excuse to be mean spirited to others. If anything it will hopefully humble you as you are dedicating your life to helping others. I know some people go into medicine for prestige, etc. but the reality is that you are busting your butt so that you can be there for others. Once you're in deep, you kind of realize you may have to make a choice of what comes first. So many surgeons are men as I do feel it's easier for them (this is a generalization) to work 80 hour work weeks while have a family at home. A surgeon could realistically go days without seeing their children. Ugh. That's a tough choice for a woman. This isn't to sound sexist or say there aren't amaze ball women surgeons because there are (thank goodness). But I do feel it's a unique struggle for women in medicine.

What about writing a letter to your sis? You could be really warm and loving and heartfelt and honest. Tell her you miss her more than anything and that you want to be there for her. Remind her of the old days and tell her you can't wait to celebrate in all her life's joys. You could write it and tuck it away and decide to give it to her later or never. Either way, I think it's always helpful and cathartic to get your feelings out especially when it's surrounded by so much hurt.

I wish you the best. I have one sister and we used to be so close and have grown apart. I'm not sure why, but I miss her deeply so I can relate to the mourning of that bond. I think I'll write a letter .

 

[nala]

I'm not going to attempt to analyze her behavior bc I don't have enough knowledge about either of you. But as to your question, I do think that you should talk to her. When I hear negative criticism from my family about my lifestyle or choices, I address them and drama usually ensues but it is worth it. The relationship evolves after the drama, for better or for worse, but I never regret it.