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POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Affair?

Would You Want to Know if Your SO Was Having an Affair?

  • Yes, I would want to know

    Votes: 72 87.8%
  • No, I do not want to know

    Votes: 10 12.2%

  • Total voters
    82

momhappy

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

^I don't buy that. I think both men & women try to keep cheating a secret - unless they're just plain dumb…. :lol:
 

Dancing Fire

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

momhappy|1440293212|3917868 said:
^I don't buy that. I think both men & women try to keep cheating a secret - unless they're just plain dumb…. :lol:
women do a better job of keeping secrets... :wink2:
 

arkieb1

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I don't buy it either, I know both that cheat men and women but I know a lot more men that do it (and no their wives don't know) than women.
 

perry

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Dancing Fire|1440271927|3917798 said:
:hand: Ladies FYI, There are more women cheating on their husband than men cheating on their wife.

Sorry DF. Not yet, and likely not ever. There is very very good research on that issue for North America and Western Europe; and without looking up the numbers it shows that among older people (>50) that something like 50 % more men cheat than woman. However the ratios even out as the age drops and the latest information I saw shows fairly consistently that among the under 30 age group that the numbers are essentially equal. It is expected that equality in cheating will continue for the future.

Have a great day,

Perry
 

ennui

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

HollyS|1440190313|3917383 said:
Ongoing affair? Yes, of course, I want to know. Because I'm packing my stuff and leaving after I clean out the bank account.

And in the divorce, you'd have to give half of it back.

This is a very complicated issue. Once you get past the hurt and the anger, your brain has to kick in. And it's the age old question, "am I better off with him, or without him," and it is a statistical fact that women suffer financially in a divorce, and men improve financially in a divorce. Especially if there are children involved; love them, but acknowledge that children are expensive, and child support doesn't cover much.

I just think back to the good old days, when if you wanted to commit adultery, you had to park your butt on a barstool and take your chances. None of this lazy internet surfing from the privacy of your own home. If you're gonna cheat, make an effort.
 

SB621

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Some of the reply's here really sadden me.

Would I want to know- oh heck yeah. If my husband ever cheated on me (emotionally or physically) we would be done. There would be no forgiveness, no nothing- it would be over. Like I said before it saddens me that people think it is ok, even if it happened long ago. There seems to be an underlining current in society that it is ok to cheat as long as it isn't long term and forgiveness should be given so the family stays together- hey men wander it is their nature :naughty: :think: :hand: :rolleyes: .

My greatest fear in life is that my daughter grows up thinking it is ok. I have never in the 13 years I have been with my husband cheated on him or wanted too, and he has been gone much of that 13 years. We have trust, love and respect for one another. I want my daughter to have the same thing. When a person cheats on their spouse it is a conscious decision - not a mistake. A mistake is when you forget to pick up milk at the grocery store on the way home. May I raise my son and daughter to love and respect their SO's, to truly treat them as the other half of their soul. And should they be cheated on, may their spouse watch out because they will breathe fire because forgiveness won't happen :bigsmile:
 

kathley

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I would definitely want to know if he ever had an affair, and if he did, then I am reasonably certain that he would be speaking an octave higher when I got finished with him!
 

Imdanny

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I can't imagine anyone not wanting to know if only because you can get diseases.
 

Dancing Fire

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

perry|1440298264|3917893 said:
Dancing Fire|1440271927|3917798 said:
:hand: Ladies FYI, There are more women cheating on their husband than men cheating on their wife.

Sorry DF. Not yet, and likely not ever. There is very very good research on that issue for North America and Western Europe; and without looking up the numbers it shows that among older people (>50) that something like 50 % more men cheat than woman. However the ratios even out as the age drops and the latest information I saw shows fairly consistently that among the under 30 age group that the numbers are essentially equal. It is expected that equality in cheating will continue for the future.

Have a great day,

Perry
Thanks to Viagra... :lol:
 

missy

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Interesting article.

http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/01/living/infidelity-men-women-breadwinners-feat/



(CNN)Female breadwinners, especially those who didn't set out to make most of their family's income, have been found to feel less satisfied about their lives, based on a survey by Working Mother Media.

And now, the findings of a new study about infidelity will probably give these breadwinners more cause for concern.

It's tough to know precisely how many people cheat in their marriages, because many might not admit it in surveys, but researchers estimate that between 20% to 25% of married men and between 10% and 15% of married women have engaged in an extramarital relationship.

This new study, showcased in the June issue of the American Sociological Review, found that men who are 100% economically dependent on their spouses were most at risk for cheating, three times more at risk than women married to male breadwinners.

While, on average, women who are completely financially dependent on their husbands face about a 5% chance that they will stray, there is about a 15% chance that a man married to a female breadwinner will cheat, the study concluded.

Survey: Reluctant breadwinner moms are less happy

"I think it has to do with our cultural notions of what it means to be a man and what ... the social expectations are for masculinity," the study author, Christin Munsch, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Connecticut, told CNN.

Being economically dependent on their wives may threaten their manhood, Munsch said, and having an affair is a way to re-establish their masculinity, even if it's all done subconsciously.


"There's plenty of great literature showing how when men in particular undergo gender identity threats, they engage in hypermasculine behaviors," she said.

"Sex is one of the most sort of gender-typed behaviors. You think of men as ... (having) sex on the brain. They can engage in a behavior associated with masculinity."

The study relied on data from more than 2,750 people who are married, who range in age from 18 to 32 and who were part of the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth from 2001 through 2011.



Interestingly, female breadwinners whose husbands were 100% financially dependent on them were the least likely group to cheat. On average, they face about a 1.5% chance that they will cheat in an average year, according to the study.

There's plenty of data suggesting that these women know they are breaking social norms, feel guilty about it at times and do what they can to bolster their husband's masculinity, such as doing more of the housework even if they are the ones working full-time, said Munsch.

"He already might feel threatened that I'm the breadwinner, I'm certainly not going to make him clean the toilet, too," she said, giving voice to the possible thought process of a female breadwinner.


They are going to do what they can to keep a potentially strained relationship intact and would not cheat because that would threaten the relationship, she added.

But, there's another reason female breadwinners are less likely to cheat, and this comes down to pure logistics. "They kind of don't have time to cheat. They're really busy," Munsch said.



Try working full-time and then doing the housework so your not-working-outside-the-home husband doesn't feel threatened, and where is the time for an affair?

Time and opportunity don't seem to be issues for men who are the major breadwinners for their family.

Men whose wives are fully economically dependent on them face about a 4% chance that they will cheat: higher than the risk of cheating for a female breadwinner but dramatically lower than the 15% chance of cheating for men who are economically dependent on their wives, said Munsch.

We often hear about the celebrities, politicians and sports stars, often with wives fully financially dependent on them, who cheat but not the husbands of female breadwinners.

"We don't ever read about the economically dependent men because ... they're probably not famous."

Already, in four out of 10 households with children, women are the sole or primary breadwinners, based on a 2013 report by the Pew Research Center.



As more and more women become the sole or primary breadwinners and more men are economically dependent on their wives, will men grow more comfortable with these roles -- and women, too?

Moms increasingly becoming breadwinners


Judging by Munsch's latest research, no. She's interviewing undergraduate men at an unnamed university, where the women outnumber men in classes and get higher grades, about their breadwinning expectations.

When she asks them about their future families, they fully expect they will be the primary earners, she said. Sure, their wives may work, but they believe that her income will be supplemental and that they will be bringing in the lion's share.

"That is shocking to me that in 2015, in the face of so many women being so incredibly successful ... the fact that these young men have grown up in this 'post-feminist era' still feel that it's that important to be a breadwinner really, I think, speaks to how strong this norm is."

And, as long as men still feel like they're the ones who should be providing for the family, we may continue to see the husbands of female breadwinners the most at risk -- of all groups -- to have an affair.
 

GliderPoss

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

amc80|1440181580|3917305 said:
If he did something stupid and it was a one time thing? Nope, don't tell me. Don't ruin my life by burdening me with your mistakes. Having to live with what you've done for the rest of your life is your punishment.

If it's a long time affair? Or lots of "mistakes" over and over? Yeah, I need to know. That speaks to character, and I don't want to be with someone of that character.

This exactly - I would only want to know if the mistake was repeated, he didn't regret it or wanted to be with this other person more than me.
 

iLander

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I actually went through this with an ex-boyfriend of mine, back in the day.

He fooled around with another woman in front of a bunch of friends (why was she topless at the beach, when we don't have topless beaches here? :confused: ) and I found out.

So I went to his house and made a pile of his clothes, pictures of me, all our dating things, in the middle of his room. I tried to set fire to it, but his mom caught me and wrestled the matches away. Pity.

So, yeah, I would want to know. And I know where he parks his car.
 

Hudson_Hawk

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Having lived through it before I voted "No". When I was in the midst of it I wanted/needed to know every detail of what happened so I could reconcile reality with the life I *thought* I was living. Now that I've moved on and am in another relationship I'd prefer to not know. I'd rather live ignorant bliss (assuming we're just talking one-time infidelity and not other issues like drug/alcohol abuse, money issues, illegal activities, long-term/ongoing multiple incidents of infidelity, etc).
 

D_

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

perry|1440298264|3917893 said:
Dancing Fire|1440271927|3917798 said:
:hand: Ladies FYI, There are more women cheating on their husband than men cheating on their wife.

Sorry DF. Not yet, and likely not ever. There is very very good research on that issue for North America and Western Europe; and without looking up the numbers it shows that among older people (>50) that something like 50 % more men cheat than woman. However the ratios even out as the age drops and the latest information I saw shows fairly consistently that among the under 30 age group that the numbers are essentially equal. It is expected that equality in cheating will continue for the future.

Have a great day,

Perry

I wonder how they conduct this research.
Ask people?
What's the guarantee people won't lie?
Especially if society doesn't hold equal view of cheating men & women.
 

diamondseeker2006

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I think it is a simple fact that many married women are working full time and are full time mothers, and how in the heck could they possibly have time for an affair (not to mention the energy!)??? That simple fact is why more men cheat! They often have more time and opportunity!

(Yes, I know many men help in the home...mine did, but I still did more caring for the kids, partly because I worked less time outside the home than he did.)
 

perry

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

D_|1440615510|3919497 said:
perry|1440298264|3917893 said:
Dancing Fire|1440271927|3917798 said:
:hand: Ladies FYI, There are more women cheating on their husband than men cheating on their wife.

Sorry DF. Not yet, and likely not ever. There is very very good research on that issue for North America and Western Europe; and without looking up the numbers it shows that among older people (>50) that something like 50 % more men cheat than woman. However the ratios even out as the age drops and the latest information I saw shows fairly consistently that among the under 30 age group that the numbers are essentially equal. It is expected that equality in cheating will continue for the future.

Have a great day,

Perry

I wonder how they conduct this research.
Ask people?
What's the guarantee people won't lie?
Especially if society doesn't hold equal view of cheating men & women.


Great question. How to get accurate information on sexual behaviors is almost its own subject. You even have to be very careful on how you ask the question - as many common wordings favor one answer over another. Further more many people have different concepts of what "having sex" is; and even what is cheating... There are differences between studies carried out by sex researchers and studies carried out by many groups.

I have actually read several research papers on this exact subject. If I was home and had access to my main computer I might even be able to find the link (I am on my 6th or 7th trip in the last couple months). But, for all things related to human sexuality one of my first starting points is with the Kinsey Institute (and various sites they link to).

What I do know was that the studies behind my comments above were bases on a very large number of people and targeted to all social/cultural/economic subsets of society (unlike the study Missy posted that is targeted to a very small populations subset).

Concerning the comment about "if society doesn't hold equal view of cheating men and woman." Which part of society? There are many dozens of subgroups; and there are very wide variations between those subgroups (in many things). My research (when I did it a year or two ago) indicated that the younger generation is more tolerant and accepting of many things in human sexuality than the older generations.

When I get home and have more time I will see if I have the references to better answer your questions still on my other computer.

By the way, if you want what I consider a fascinating start to human sexuality the Kinsey Institute an international encyclopedia on sexuality. There are more current papers on some of the areas that have not yet been revised into it; but, it's a good start.

For those wondering why I would have researched this question (and human sexuality) in detail. One of the "bumps" that occurred in our marriage was in part due to an issue that falls within the very broad context of human sexuality (with other factors complicating/hiding various parts of the overall issue). Both of us had to learn a lot (about several things in addition to sexualtiy), and both of us tend to over researched things and we both tend to challenge internet sources (and we had to agree on what was valid information). Any question that got asked was researched. Infidelity was not related to the issue; but, one of us asked what were the real infidelity statistics. My personal lesson learned from all of this was to become more tolerant of others and their situations. Also, I am so glad on how we structured our wedding vows on honesty and working out issues and that we did not lock ourselves into any solid fixed positions on specific issues (we had and still have expectations).

Have a great day,

Perry
 

Tuckins1

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Yep, you bet. If anyone sees Mr. Tuckins out with another woman, you better let me know!!
 

D_

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

perry|1440649727|3919734 said:
D_|1440615510|3919497 said:
perry|1440298264|3917893 said:
Dancing Fire|1440271927|3917798 said:
:hand: Ladies FYI, There are more women cheating on their husband than men cheating on their wife.

Sorry DF. Not yet, and likely not ever. There is very very good research on that issue for North America and Western Europe; and without looking up the numbers it shows that among older people (>50) that something like 50 % more men cheat than woman. However the ratios even out as the age drops and the latest information I saw shows fairly consistently that among the under 30 age group that the numbers are essentially equal. It is expected that equality in cheating will continue for the future.

Have a great day,

Perry

I wonder how they conduct this research.
Ask people?
What's the guarantee people won't lie?
Especially if society doesn't hold equal view of cheating men & women.


Great question. How to get accurate information on sexual behaviors is almost its own subject. You even have to be very careful on how you ask the question - as many common wordings favor one answer over another. Further more many people have different concepts of what "having sex" is; and even what is cheating... There are differences between studies carried out by sex researchers and studies carried out by many groups.

I have actually read several research papers on this exact subject. If I was home and had access to my main computer I might even be able to find the link (I am on my 6th or 7th trip in the last couple months). But, for all things related to human sexuality one of my first starting points is with the Kinsey Institute (and various sites they link to).

What I do know was that the studies behind my comments above were bases on a very large number of people and targeted to all social/cultural/economic subsets of society (unlike the study Missy posted that is targeted to a very small populations subset).

Concerning the comment about "if society doesn't hold equal view of cheating men and woman." Which part of society? There are many dozens of subgroups; and there are very wide variations between those subgroups (in many things). My research (when I did it a year or two ago) indicated that the younger generation is more tolerant and accepting of many things in human sexuality than the older generations.

Hi Perry,

I also find topics on relationship fascinating.
So I'd love to see some of the links to the research you have been reading when you have a moment.
You're correct about society - now that you mention about it, there are varieties in terms of culture, age groups and many other categories.

What I meant was that in many society, women are expected to uphold certain virtues and cheating can 100% be considered as something to be ashamed of - so in theory, that's one more reason to prevent them from telling the truth when asked such question.
Versus for men, yes cheating is also frowned upon, but as mentioned by another person here, some may be proud to do it. Not only they may be more forthcoming in their response, they may exaggerate their escapades too.
 

NTave

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

So I looked up my ex husband and found that his email matched with the AM search tool. I laugh about it now, but in all likelihood his subscription was probably when we were married. I take it now as proof positive that I did the right thing by getting away from him. 6 years later I'm thankful everyday that im not married to him.
 

missy

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

NTave|1440736554|3920208 said:
So I looked up my ex husband and found that his email matched with the AM search tool. I laugh about it now, but in all likelihood his subscription was probably when we were married. I take it now as proof positive that I did the right thing by getting away from him. 6 years later I'm thankful everyday that im not married to him.

Ugh glad you are free of him NTave!

I didn't even think to check the AM site. Now I am curious. How many of you girls have checked the site to see if someone you know is on it?
 

PintoBean

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Yes I would want to know for health reasons, and frankly, if he can't be faithful to me, I don't need the added stress of catching a buggy from him or the paranoia of wondering what he's doing or who he's doing when he's away from me. IN a nutshell, once you break trust with me, it's over.
 

iluvshinythings

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

arkieb1|1440289422|3917851 said:
Dancing Fire|1440271927|3917798 said:
:hand: Ladies FYI, There are more women cheating on their husband than men cheating on their wife.

Not according the the Ashley Madison hackers where the vast majority are married men.

Women can easily have an affair for free (no credit card necessary). We don't need a website to help us accomplish it. Plus I think women have affairs for emotional reasons and probably with someone they have an emotional connection with so I don't think AM would have much appeal to women. (just my two cents and purely speculation)

As for me, my ex did have an affair. I stuck my head in the sand for a long time and knew something was wrong but didn't really want to face the reality. The thing I learned in counseling is that the cheating spouse often projects their guilt onto their partner. Also, the cheater tries to find fault with the spouse so they feel more justified in their cheating. Knowing those two things explains a lot about my former marriage. He was always accusing me of cheating and I was so busy trying to change my behavior to keep him from thinking that that I was always reeling and not thinking clearly enough to be suspicious of him. Now I can see that a lot of what he said about me was purely his imagination and that I'm not paranoid or controlling or spiteful which are all things he accused me of. The saying about "sticks and stones" is a lot of BS. What someone says is very damaging and hurtful and I still struggle at times to overcome all that. For all those years I thought I was a terrible person, lousy cook and lazy housekeeper. Now I realize that he was having an affair and most of what came out of his mouth were just lies. While it was all happening I was jumping through hoops trying to prove that I loved him, that I wasn't cheating and that I was a good person. I was trying to prove that to him and to myself because I really questioned myself and my integrity. All of the lying he did I think is the second worst part. In my case, the fact that he put his you-know-what in some strange person was relatively minor. All the things he did to justify his behavior in his mind was the really awful part.

In my current marriage, I'm not suspicious or jealous. If my husband has an affair and it's a one time thing, I don't want to know. If he starts accusing me of cheating and constantly finding fault with me, I'll be able to save myself a lot of time and heartache and just go hire an attorney.
 

telephone89

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

missy|1440757678|3920249 said:
NTave|1440736554|3920208 said:
So I looked up my ex husband and found that his email matched with the AM search tool. I laugh about it now, but in all likelihood his subscription was probably when we were married. I take it now as proof positive that I did the right thing by getting away from him. 6 years later I'm thankful everyday that im not married to him.

Ugh glad you are free of him NTave!

I didn't even think to check the AM site. Now I am curious. How many of you girls have checked the site to see if someone you know is on it?
I haven't, and I think AM is trying to shut down the sites that are making that easy (lol). I do know that my city is one of the top canadian cities for %/population of users though.
 

packrat

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I don't understand why a person would get married, and vow to be faithful to someone for the rest of their life, if they want to be w/other people. If you think you are not capable of staying faithful, don't get married. Don't be in a "serious" relationship. Unless the status quo in that marriage/relationship, for *both* partners, is to be w/other people. (again tho, um, der? why bother?) An affair is in no way shape or form a mistake. It is a conscious decision. I'm not going to walk into my house and say "Oh holy hell JD, I had the craziest day today-I was driving home and then suddenly my car was in the parking lot of the hotel! Then, like...wow this is so strange..I was inside the room! Okay, so THEN, all of a sudden, I was naked, on the BED! Then this guy came outa nowhere and had sex with me!" A mistake is reading an 8 as a 3 on the digital clock. Not inserting or having inserted into your vagina, a penis. A mistake is forgetting to dump the dehumidifier tub and it overflows. Not actively seeking out emotional contact/intimacy from someone who is not your partner.

If you are not having a need met at home, and you value the relationship AND THE PERSON at home, then you work on it at home, not rutting around in the backseat of a car w/someone else.

It's not a mistake, it's a conscious decision. Calling it a mistake is justification.
 

distracts

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Packrat, I think a lot of people are not as rational about this as we seem to be and don't know themselves as well. I really do think that a lot of people just aren't at all introspective or "thinky" and that this causes a ton of problems that seem easily preventable to me. I also think a lot of people do not communicate well in their relationship or trust their partner, so are unable to bring up problems they have or deal with them in productive ways, and so resort to unproductive/harmful methods and lying rather than being mature about it.

I know plenty of people in open relationships/marriages that work, and work well. I think there's still a point because your primary partner is who you're spending your whole life with, for the rest of your life, and that commitment is still there even if you have other sexual partners or relationships. I know some where multiple people all have that level of commitment together (like a triad). But that too requires a level of communication and trust that most people just don't have.

I have lurked on the cheater subreddit and it is really bizarre to read the justifications people have. They usually think they're saving their marriage. A lot have spouses who have flat-out said they are no longer interested in sex. And I get that that is tough - if my husband said that, the two options he'd have are divorce or opening up the relationship. But an option I would not have is cheating on him, even if him never knowing would save his feelings and keep the financial status quo for me. It just flat-out wouldn't be an option for me, because that's not how I want to live my life or the person I want to be. But I trust that if my husband said he would never have sex with me again, if he wanted to stay with me he'd be open to a rational solution like letting me have sex with other people. And these people don't trust that. So I dunno. People are weird.
 

Laila619

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Absolutely I would want to know, so I could kick him to the curb!! Ain't nobody got time for that nonsense. Life is too short.
 

nala

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Sometimes people don't realize they are making a mistake until they live with the consequences. But that's why it's important to disclose the cheating-- to be able to work on the issues and move forward. It would be nice to never have to know, but I don't think it would be very healthy. That said, I believe people can learn from their mistakes and emerge better people. But if they never admit their mistakes, they might never learn or feel remorseful. So yes, I would want to know.
 

missy

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

packrat|1440811186|3920581 said:
I don't understand why a person would get married, and vow to be faithful to someone for the rest of their life, if they want to be w/other people. If you think you are not capable of staying faithful, don't get married. Don't be in a "serious" relationship. Unless the status quo in that marriage/relationship, for *both* partners, is to be w/other people. (again tho, um, der? why bother?) An affair is in no way shape or form a mistake. It is a conscious decision. I'm not going to walk into my house and say "Oh holy hell JD, I had the craziest day today-I was driving home and then suddenly my car was in the parking lot of the hotel! Then, like...wow this is so strange..I was inside the room! Okay, so THEN, all of a sudden, I was naked, on the BED! Then this guy came outa nowhere and had sex with me!" A mistake is reading an 8 as a 3 on the digital clock. Not inserting or having inserted into your vagina, a penis. A mistake is forgetting to dump the dehumidifier tub and it overflows. Not actively seeking out emotional contact/intimacy from someone who is not your partner.

If you are not having a need met at home, and you value the relationship AND THE PERSON at home, then you work on it at home, not rutting around in the backseat of a car w/someone else.

It's not a mistake, it's a conscious decision. Calling it a mistake is justification.


I am with you packrat and in fact was having this very discussion with my dh the other day. Why bother getting married or staying married if you feel this way. It is not fair to the other person in the marriage. Unless you are on the same page i.e. open marriage but then no cheating is happening. Everything is open and above board.

People who behave like this disgust me. The behavior is so selfish so piggish and so wrong. Yes I am going to judge here because this behavior is bad behavior and without judgment (about some things) there is anarchy.
 

packrat

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I feel like a lot of adults are not...grown up enough to be adults. Communication is hard. I get that. I don't like confrontation by any means; it makes me sick to my stomach. But, you know, I love my husband, and I want our marriage to work. I know he loves me and wants our marriage to work. We talk. That's what adults do. If you feel like you're having issues, you either suck it up and act like an adult and talk about it, or you part ways and move on.

We're watching an old episode of Dr. Phil, where a woman is having an affair. She said she did everything she could to get her husband to understand how upset she was w/their relationship and he just didn't listen, so she went outside the marriage to get what she wanted/needed, and now he's realized where he went wrong. The thing of it is tho-just b/c she talked to him and he didn't listen, that doesn't justify her actions. She tried, yes, and he didn't listen. Ok. So, then what? If he's not going to listen or make an effort, then you leave the relationship. If he has essentially abandoned the relationship, then you *leave*.

When we bend over backwards to justify actions like that, it..I'm not sure how to explain it. It lessens the meaning of marriage in general. If we have no respect for marriage as a whole, it lessens the value of it.

We seem to have such a lack of respect for many things, and we seem to have such a knack for justifying that lack of respect.
 

perry

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Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

D_|1440726622|3920153 said:
Hi Perry,

I also find topics on relationship fascinating.
So I'd love to see some of the links to the research you have been reading when you have a moment.
You're correct about society - now that you mention about it, there are varieties in terms of culture, age groups and many other categories.

What I meant was that in many society, women are expected to uphold certain virtues and cheating can 100% be considered as something to be ashamed of - so in theory, that's one more reason to prevent them from telling the truth when asked such question.
Versus for men, yes cheating is also frowned upon, but as mentioned by another person here, some may be proud to do it. Not only they may be more forthcoming in their response, they may exaggerate their escapades too.


D:

I have returned home and searched the old file where I had stored things from when I was heavily involved in research on human sexuality. I did not save the articles or the links that provided descriptions of the issues - and solutions - with sexual research. The vast majority of what I did save was directly related to the issue we were trying to resolve.

You are very correct though about the issus where woman are given different behavior expectations than men. If you search the internet you will find considerable discussion about how it seems that the concept that a woman was to be monogamous while a man could have multiple partners was a male dominated taught requirement and not who many woman are biologically. Many years ago there was a huge debate was homosexuality "nature" or "nurture." We know now that there are actual physical/chemical differences in the brains between pure homosexuals and pure hetrosexuals; and that basic homo/hetero sexuality is "nature." That does not mean that "nurture" cannot have some degree of effect in certain cases (especially for people between those classifications); but, that this is a noticeably minority effect.

A similar debate and research has started in certain psychological circles on polygamy and monogamy (and some use mid points of polygamish and monogamish as markers of behavior that is not pure one or the other (decidedly tend one way; but can engage/tolerate the other) (yes, there is a middle ground between the two; but, I do not recall seeing any meaningful name for it). That will likely take another 20-30 years to settle as it took the homo/hetrosexual "debate" a similar time to sort out and settle.

It is my belief that indeed that the concept that a woman must be monogamous is more of a male generated "nurture" concept than what is natural. Now, there are clearly people (men and woman) who are totally monogamous to the point that they would be psychologically harmed to engage in other activity. But, is that most people - or just a small number.

I agree that human sexuality is a fascinating subject. There are so many different aspects, and so many different questions. There are also many different opinions and possible explanations on how to classify human sexuality (in all of its forms and expressions).

However, I also think you will find that worldwide pretty much all sex researches and therapist note there is a clear differences between people who intentionally lie and cheat, those who make a mistake and find themselves having done something or in a situation they did not anticipate, and those that are able to be open and honestly with their partners. All 3 groups can find themselves in sexual trouble in their relationship. The first group has the lowest rate of success in resolving the relationship. The 2nd group has good success when working with a competent counselor - and often have stronger relationships for it, and the 3rd group almost always has success in resolving things - and almost always strengthen their relationship.

I wish you (and everyone else here) success in this area of their life,

Perry
 
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