Reasons for divorce after 20 or 30 years?

[Tacori E-ring]

Simple, money and children. Divorce is expensive which keeps some people in unhappy marriages. Some people still feel being together unhappily is better than a "broken home." I hate that saying. It is beyond hurtful and ignorant. Of course the ideal is to marry happily but people change. Somethings are beyond one's control. Sometimes the bravest thing is to let go and move on.

 

[perry]

Not to rain on your parade, Perry, as I think what you are recommending is wise counsel, but everyone I knew who married and subsequently divorced did the same. At least friends I know did try to anticipate to the best of their knowledge issues that might come up and talk them through in advance, and then deal with them as they/if they arose. But still, not everything is within your control and that is the real test.

But did they really discuss the issues? Virtually everyone I knew who discussed things like infidelity in their teens through early 30's did so from the standpoint that "I would never do that"; thus, there is nothing to discuss... (and that seems to still be a common attitude among many). We actually discussed how we would handle it after it occurred (and how to try to prevent it from occurring) - knowing that both of us could be tempted by changes in life and circumstances we did not anticipate. Those are two completely different discussions. Also, we not only had the advantage of approximately 3 decades of watching marriages fall apart and our trying to help or at least console (and some that succeeded); but, we had books that did not exist 15 and 20 years ago (not to mention 30+ years ago).

Anyway, nice hearing from you again and glad to see you are still active,

Perry

 

[iLander]

Hi Danny!

As a veteran of 30+ years, I'm not sure why they do it. Lots of possibilities have been addressed in this thread, here's a couple I wanted to expand on:

I think SOME people start to realize they're mortal and start to think "is that all there is"? Their spouse is "boring", their lives are repetitive, and health issues become a reality. Then they leave the spouse to "find themselves". Fast forward 5 or so years and they're right back where they started from; boring spouse with health issues and a repetitive life. What was the point of all that? They really should have thought the whole thing through.

I've also seen lots of articles about people being even more unhappy after a divorce, particularly those who thought they could "do better". I think it has to do with a basic life concept that I tell my kids: wherever you go, there you are. Basically it means that people think that if they change their surroundings by moving, or divorcing, or whatever, they will finally be happy. That's usually not true. They're still the same critical, suspicious, crabby, unhappy person they were before. Happy is a decision, every day, not another person or place.

Another thing is that when you're young, being 50+ or 60+ seems like life is winding down. But with healthcare today, it's really not. Consider this: the first 20 years of your life is just becoming awake and adult. Then you spend what feels like the "majority" of your life-30 years- getting married, having kids, etc, until you're about 50. But then you suddenly realize you could possibly live another 30 years. That's like a whole other lifetime! It's really long! Sure, now you're wrinkly and unattractive but you at least want to have fun with it. So some people get divorced.

Which leads me back to paragraph one.

 

[Calliecake]

Aside for the the usual reasons for divorce such as growing apart, money problems and affairs, I have to wonder if the fact that people are living longer more active lives has an impact on the divorce rate. If someone is unhappy after many years of marriage and they feel they have 10 years left to live they may just stick it out. People are living well into their 80's and 90's now. If you feel you may live another 30 years, that is a long time to stay in a miserable marriage. A family member of ours is getting divorced after 29 years of marriage.
The whole family is sad for them and hope they will both be happy in the long run. In their case it was about them just growing apart over the years.

There were many news articles around 2007 about people who were choosing to live together and lead separate lives because they couldn't afford to divorce. With the economy getting better I wonder if that could also be a reason we are hearing about so many younger or middle age couples splitting up recently.

 

[jordyonbass]

I've also seen lots of articles about people being even more unhappy after a divorce, particularly those who thought they could "do better".

My mother was/is guilty of this, she left my father for someone else but it fell through on her and she ended up on her own. Ever since she has been nothing but bitter towards my father and men in general (I joke with her that her brother and I are the only males she actually likes talking to lol). The way she treats her male acquaintances is kind of disgusting as she will lead them on if they like her and will then act annoyed when they want to take her on a date etc.

 

[partgypsy]

My parents divorced after around 25 years. There were multiple issues but the primary was that my Dad grew away from my Mom. He waited till the kids were grown or almost grown to leave. None of us kids were surprised or really upset; we could tell from his tone of voice and his attitude etc that he fell out of love for her. Our only concern or distress was her (lack of) acceptance or adapting to that change in her life. Another friend's mom left her Dad, because she realized she was gay, and now lives elsewhere with her female significant other and is very happy. Another friend, the mom let her husband know, after the kids were grown she was going to do her own thing. And she did, working on a different continent doing humanitarian work (she was on the list for peace prize recently). And of course multiple instances of the middle-aged man, especially if financially successful, "trading" in for a younger wife.

The assumption historically, that even if you are unhappy with your marriage, you stick with it, even if means being unhappily married, that's what you do. Even if your husband is abusive, or an alcoholic, or a cheater, you stay married. And heck if the husband is allowed do to whatever they want and still have a wife that takes care of them, why would the husband leave either? I think my Mom's parents were like this, unhappy but together. In that case it was the father who was putting on a brave face and not talking about the not so happy aspects.

I do feel that sometimes people give up on a marriage too soon just because the grass may be greener, that they need to commit not just to "endure" but to actively work and invest to make it the best relationship for both people... At the same time I don't think someone should stay in an unhappy situation especially when they have tried and the only way is to not be with that person.

 

[tuffyluvr]

2 of my close friends (who I've been friends with since childhood) have been through this--the first one's parents divorced after 35 years of marriage, and the other after 33 years of marriage. Both were shortly after the wife had gone through menopause and they also both had affairs (both with younger women one was much younger, the other was not too much younger). I had known both couples since I was a child, never knew them to fight and always thought that they were very happy and they'd be together forever. I still have a hard time understanding what happened and why. It was such a shock! I have to agree with the commenter that said that men still have a desire to "sow their oats" even into their 50s, 60s and 70s.

In my friend's cases, the husband that left his wife after 35 years was just bored. His ex-wife is rather introverted and is a homebody--she prefers a good book and early bedtime to going out and socializing. He met a woman who worked at the golf club who was young, exotically beautiful and outgoing, and he fell for her. In the case of my other friend's parents (married 33 years), my friend says that things fell apart when her mom went through menopause--her dad couldn't stand the mood swings and "crazy" behavior, so he left. The woman he is with now doesn't have half the personality or charm of his ex, but she is different and humans are certainly attracted to novelty…

 

[House Cat]

ome a reality. Then they leave the spouse to "find themselves". Fast forward 5 or so years and they're right back where they started from; boring spouse with health issues and a repetitive life. What was the point of all that? They really should have thought the whole thing through.

I've also seen lots of articles about people being even more unhappy after a divorce, particularly those who thought they could "do better". I think it has to do with a basic life concept that I tell my kids: wherever you go, there you are. Basically it means that people think that if they change their surroundings by moving, or divorcing, or whatever, they will finally be happy. That's usually not true. They're still the same critical, suspicious, crabby, unhappy person they were before. Happy is a decision, every day, not another person or place.

Oh goodness...

I have seen this first hand. She left, citing that he was the source for all of her unhappiness. She is still the same old unhappy, unstable mess.

He is happier than he has ever been. He is even with someone new who accepts him for who he is.

 

[minousbijoux]

I wish that culturally, divorce would be seen as a sad event, rather than a failure. Some marriages should not last "until death do us part." People are living longer than ever these days, and people change. A relationship that worked at one time can stop working for any number of reasons.

Well said.

 

[minousbijoux]

Not to rain on your parade, Perry, as I think what you are recommending is wise counsel, but everyone I knew who married and subsequently divorced did the same. At least friends I know did try to anticipate to the best of their knowledge issues that might come up and talk them through in advance, and then deal with them as they/if they arose. But still, not everything is within your control and that is the real test.

But did they really discuss the issues? Virtually everyone I knew who discussed things like infidelity in their teens through early 30's did so from the standpoint that "I would never do that"; thus, there is nothing to discuss... (and that seems to still be a common attitude among many). We actually discussed how we would handle it after it occurred (and how to try to prevent it from occurring) - knowing that both of us could be tempted by changes in life and circumstances we did not anticipate. Those are two completely different discussions. Also, we not only had the advantage of approximately 3 decades of watching marriages fall apart and our trying to help or at least console (and some that succeeded); but, we had books that did not exist 15 and 20 years ago (not to mention 30+ years ago).

Anyway, nice hearing from you again and glad to see you are still active,

Perry

Nice to "see" you too, Perry!

Yes, I'm afraid to say that many really did discuss it - down to how they would respond to various situations should they arise. But you know what? So many times the planning, so to speak, goes out the window. Discussing what one would theoretically do is different than being in the situation, I'm afraid. But that said, open and solid communication goes a long way towards whatever the end result may be. In the long run, communication with my ex was not the problem and we are able and willing to communicate well about all things. It comes in very handy when discussing our kids.

It sounds like you and Princess have a strong marriage and are really doing the good work to make it last a lifetime.

 

[minousbijoux]

Hi Danny!

As a veteran of 30+ years, I'm not sure why they do it. Lots of possibilities have been addressed in this thread, here's a couple I wanted to expand on:

I think SOME people start to realize they're mortal and start to think "is that all there is"? Their spouse is "boring", their lives are repetitive, and health issues become a reality. Then they leave the spouse to "find themselves". Fast forward 5 or so years and they're right back where they started from; boring spouse with health issues and a repetitive life. What was the point of all that? They really should have thought the whole thing through.

I've also seen lots of articles about people being even more unhappy after a divorce, particularly those who thought they could "do better". I think it has to do with a basic life concept that I tell my kids: wherever you go, there you are. Basically it means that people think that if they change their surroundings by moving, or divorcing, or whatever, they will finally be happy. That's usually not true. They're still the same critical, suspicious, crabby, unhappy person they were before. Happy is a decision, every day, not another person or place.

Another thing is that when you're young, being 50+ or 60+ seems like life is winding down. But with healthcare today, it's really not. Consider this: the first 20 years of your life is just becoming awake and adult. Then you spend what feels like the "majority" of your life-30 years- getting married, having kids, etc, until you're about 50. But then you suddenly realize you could possibly live another 30 years. That's like a whole other lifetime! It's really long! Sure, now you're wrinkly and unattractive but you at least want to have fun with it. So some people get divorced.

Which leads me back to paragraph one.

Yup, mid-life crisis, for whatever its worth. My ex did this, and I am so grateful! I know that sounds terrible, but I am so much happier now and feel like the sky is the limit for my future. He, on the other hand, left for greener pastures, and regrets it. But all in all, we are much better apart than we ever were together.

 

[distracts]

I read in an article once - no clue how true this is - that most divorces happen either within the first couple of years or around 15-20 years, or something like that. Anecdotally most of the people I know who got divorced fall into one of those two categories.

I remember being in high school and wondering if my parents would get divorced because they just seemed to exist in the same house, taking care of the same children, but didn't really seem into each other. Well. WEll. Once both my brother and I were at college, the parents suddenly got VERY FRIENDLY WITH EACH OTHER. Like... yuck-inducingly friendly. They would throw us out of the house when we came home to visit so they could... be friendly. They do stuff together ALL THE TIME now - take classes, go on adventures, etc. My parents also never really seemed to have many friends when we were kids, but now they have gobs and gobs of friends. So they were definitely very different when the kids were at home, but seem to have adjusted very well back to being focused on the two of them. I imagine that adjustment back is very difficult and maybe impossible for some couples.

I think SOME people start to realize they're mortal and start to think "is that all there is"? Their spouse is "boring", their lives are repetitive, and health issues become a reality. Then they leave the spouse to "find themselves". Fast forward 5 or so years and they're right back where they started from; boring spouse with health issues and a repetitive life. What was the point of all that? They really should have thought the whole thing through.

God, THIS. I see SO MANY PEOPLE DO THIS. Guess what? Life is kind of boring! You do roughly the same things every day with the same people, and even if you change the things and people, that'll still be how it is. I think this is a really hard concept for people to grasp though. They want those moments of excitement to be all the time, but that's just not how it works. Even if you fill your life with "exciting" things you become habituated to them and then they are no longer exciting.

 

[Tekate]

Yup, mid-life crisis, for whatever its worth. My ex did this, and I am so grateful! I know that sounds terrible, but I am so much happier now and feel like the sky is the limit for my future. He, on the other hand, left for greener pastures, and regrets it. But all in all, we are much better apart than we ever were together.

I know just how you feel, my husband left me for a 19 year old girl when we were 32 after 15 years together and 10 married... I was so upset.. then remorse set in on him, by that time I'd met my current husband. We have been married 28 years this year and I have been so much happier.. I would say that 10 minutes of happiness I have had with my 2nd husband is more happiness than I had in 10 years of marriage to my first... I remember being mad because I stayed so long..

The cliche that 'they grew apart' is true..

peace.

 

[tuffyluvr]

I read in an article once - no clue how true this is - that most divorces happen either within the first couple of years or around 15-20 years, or something like that. Anecdotally most of the people I know who got divorced fall into one of those two categories.

I remember being in high school and wondering if my parents would get divorced because they just seemed to exist in the same house, taking care of the same children, but didn't really seem into each other. Well. WEll. Once both my brother and I were at college, the parents suddenly got VERY FRIENDLY WITH EACH OTHER. Like... yuck-inducingly friendly. They would throw us out of the house when we came home to visit so they could... be friendly. They do stuff together ALL THE TIME now - take classes, go on adventures, etc. My parents also never really seemed to have many friends when we were kids, but now they have gobs and gobs of friends. So they were definitely very different when the kids were at home, but seem to have adjusted very well back to being focused on the two of them. I imagine that adjustment back is very difficult and maybe impossible for some couples.

Your parents sound adorable!!! If we could all be so lucky as to like our partners that much after all those years!!!

 

[iLander]

I read in an article once - no clue how true this is - that most divorces happen either within the first couple of years or around 15-20 years, or something like that. Anecdotally most of the people I know who got divorced fall into one of those two categories.

I remember being in high school and wondering if my parents would get divorced because they just seemed to exist in the same house, taking care of the same children, but didn't really seem into each other. Well. WEll. Once both my brother and I were at college, the parents suddenly got VERY FRIENDLY WITH EACH OTHER. Like... yuck-inducingly friendly. They would throw us out of the house when we came home to visit so they could... be friendly. They do stuff together ALL THE TIME now - take classes, go on adventures, etc. My parents also never really seemed to have many friends when we were kids, but now they have gobs and gobs of friends. So they were definitely very different when the kids were at home, but seem to have adjusted very well back to being focused on the two of them. I imagine that adjustment back is very difficult and maybe impossible for some couples.

I can relate to this. I bet when you were kids, and your parents kissed, you all said "Ewwww". Well - I'm going to break this to you - that's a mood killer! DH and I were very rarely affectionate in front of the kids, and it sucked the spontaneity out of our relationship for years. Also, as a parent, you don't want to freak kids out. So, it's all subterfuge and much less open and fun.

But when the kids are out of the house, it's much easier to have an normal relationship. Imagine that! Also, when the kids are all grown up (supposedly ) you can (supposedly ) be more open about such things. It irritates me when our kids still give us the hairy eyeball when we kiss, but they're smooching up the boyfriend or wife all over the place. Save me.

So, when the kids are visiting, DH and I have to say "Cheese it! It's the 'rents!"

Distracts, you kids where cramping your parents' style.

 

[AdaBeta27]

I think the grandparent role and how each of the spouses approaches it can also result in dissatisfaction and divorce. If one spouse expected that they'd return to empty-nester twosome, free to travel the world, but the other decides to sit around the house and become perpetual full-time unpaid babysitter of grandkid(s), one or both of the spouses is almost certainly going to wind up disappointed in the lifestyle choices of the other. Mostly, I've seen women who just can't ever quit the child-rearing scene. But I have met a few men who seem to spend an inordinate amount of time dragging a grandson around, lol.

 

[minousbijoux]

I read in an article once - no clue how true this is - that most divorces happen either within the first couple of years or around 15-20 years, or something like that. Anecdotally most of the people I know who got divorced fall into one of those two categories.

I remember being in high school and wondering if my parents would get divorced because they just seemed to exist in the same house, taking care of the same children, but didn't really seem into each other. Well. WEll. Once both my brother and I were at college, the parents suddenly got VERY FRIENDLY WITH EACH OTHER. Like... yuck-inducingly friendly. They would throw us out of the house when we came home to visit so they could... be friendly. They do stuff together ALL THE TIME now - take classes, go on adventures, etc. My parents also never really seemed to have many friends when we were kids, but now they have gobs and gobs of friends. So they were definitely very different when the kids were at home, but seem to have adjusted very well back to being focused on the two of them. I imagine that adjustment back is very difficult and maybe impossible for some couples.

Your parents sound adorable!!! If we could all be so lucky as to like our partners that much after all those years!!!

I know, right?!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Personally I think talking about things is much different than actually experiencing things. In the past it was easy for me to say what I thought I would do in any situation. Life has taught me life is not so black and white.

 

[iLander]

Yup, mid-life crisis, for whatever its worth. My ex did this, and I am so grateful! I know that sounds terrible, but I am so much happier now and feel like the sky is the limit for my future. He, on the other hand, left for greener pastures, and regrets it. But all in all, we are much better apart than we ever were together.

Good for you, Minous! And frankly, if he didn't know how fabulous you are, he's even dumber than he looks!

 

[partgypsy]

2 of my close friends (who I've been friends with since childhood) have been through this--the first one's parents divorced after 35 years of marriage, and the other after 33 years of marriage. Both were shortly after the wife had gone through menopause and they also both had affairs (both with younger women one was much younger, the other was not too much younger). I had known both couples since I was a child, never knew them to fight and always thought that they were very happy and they'd be together forever. I still have a hard time understanding what happened and why. It was such a shock! I have to agree with the commenter that said that men still have a desire to "sow their oats" even into their 50s, 60s and 70s.

In my friend's cases, the husband that left his wife after 35 years was just bored. His ex-wife is rather introverted and is a homebody--she prefers a good book and early bedtime to going out and socializing. He met a woman who worked at the golf club who was young, exotically beautiful and outgoing, and he fell for her. In the case of my other friend's parents (married 33 years), my friend says that things fell apart when her mom went through menopause--her dad couldn't stand the mood swings and "crazy" behavior, so he left. The woman he is with now doesn't have half the personality or charm of his ex, but she is different and humans are certainly attracted to novelty…

It's funny, could be talking about my Mom! My Dad is good looking, in the restaurant business, and was surrounded by young attractive women. When he was working he basically had two looks, either a suit, or pajamas for relaxing at home (he has since gotten some casual clothes). My Dad preferred her to wear dresses and heels (which she did at times) but in general she preferred the academic look (she was an English teacher). My Dad told me (after they divorced) how one time my Mom stopped by his (fancy) restaurant right after work. "She was wearing slacks, a big oversized sweater, and loafers! It was humiliating." I thought that was very sad, him judging his wife like that versus looking at her with love. So while I think he did enjoy being married to someone who was intelligent and could talk about books and history and see art films together, after getting married she didn't fit the trophy wife/stay at home wife mode. He also didn't want her to work though she had a masters degree and always intended to work.

 

[ennui]

Just for fun, I can't recall if anyone mentioned Viagra (and its competitors). Viagra has given men all kinds of options, and as some have mentioned, menopause affects women differently.

I toss this out because I remember a women's discussion group several years ago, and a few women hated the inventor of Viagra. They thought they were finally "done with that nonsense," and then Viagra came along and their husbands were back to poking at them and climbing on. I apologize for the vulgarity, but I think some women are relieved when their husbands find another woman. Not all men are good in bed, after all.

 

[missy]

Just for fun, I can't recall if anyone mentioned Viagra (and its competitors). Viagra has given men all kinds of options, and as some have mentioned, menopause affects women differently.

I toss this out because I remember a women's discussion group several years ago, and a few women hated the inventor of Viagra. They thought they were finally "done with that nonsense," and then Viagra came along and their husbands were back to poking at them and climbing on. I apologize for the vulgarity, but I think some women are relieved when their husbands find another woman. Not all men are good in bed, after all.

If I am remembering correctly there is now a pill for women that will help in this area if they need the help and are interested that is.

I have to say though I personally don't know any woman who would be relieved for their dh to find another woman to take care of the making love aspect of their relationship. Not one and I know a lot of women. That concept sounds like it is from another era entirely.

 

[diamondringlover]

ok I will try and explain without too much detail....I have been married since 1984, we have 2 grown kids. Divorce is in my future. When we got married we really didnt have alot in common..like nothing lol...but we were in love, I was 23 and he was 28 (29 a month after we got married) things went very well for years...but we started having problems after about 7 years or so...but we both hung in there thinking it would get better. Sometimes things were bad, others were good..mostly good in the beginning, but I should have realized along time ago that it would not work..but I didnt. I thought having another kid would help so we had another baby (so our sons are 11 years apart) I was 36 and he was 42 when our youngest was born...that made things worse not better!

So why now after 31 years...well I now realize that we were never meant to be...we have nothing in common, we dont talk much to each other, we now sleep in separate rooms, we just coexist, like room mates..I realized that we both had changed and he has some demons that I see, but he doesnt, he plays mind games with me and has for years, I just didnt realize it till the last couple of years. I cannot stand mind games...there is no physical abuse in our relationship but there is mental abuse on both sides.

Now I know all are thinking why do I stay if I am so unhappy, I have ask myself this alot..its plain and simple right now, money this is why I stay..we are not rich by any means..we are just middle class people..we make the close to the same annual salary (me a little more then him) and I have gotten used to a financially stable life and when I get divorced my life style will change quite abit and I have to make sure I a ready for that change..I am currently working on getting some debt paid off so that when I do make this change we will have very little debt to carry with us.

So my answer to this question is you just lose interest in the other person, use just dont care anymore.you grow apart and fall out of love..it happens..mental illness and or physical illness also plays into everything..money is big issue as well..sometimes in life you have to choose the lessor of 2 evils.

 

[ennui]

Just for fun, I can't recall if anyone mentioned Viagra (and its competitors). Viagra has given men all kinds of options, and as some have mentioned, menopause affects women differently.

I toss this out because I remember a women's discussion group several years ago, and a few women hated the inventor of Viagra. They thought they were finally "done with that nonsense," and then Viagra came along and their husbands were back to poking at them and climbing on. I apologize for the vulgarity, but I think some women are relieved when their husbands find another woman. Not all men are good in bed, after all.

If I am remembering correctly there is now a pill for women that will help in this area if they need the help and are interested that is.

I have to say though I personally don't know any woman who would be relieved for their dh to find another woman to take care of the making love aspect of their relationship. Not one and I know a lot of women. That concept sounds like it is from another era entirely.

The women who were complaining were also from another era, and we aren't talking about only the making love aspect, we were talking about divorce. Sometimes, you just don't want to do it anymore.

There are lots of reasons to get married, and there are lots of reasons to get divorced. I think we are living in a time where everyone believes the fairy tale.

 

[missy]

Just for fun, I can't recall if anyone mentioned Viagra (and its competitors). Viagra has given men all kinds of options, and as some have mentioned, menopause affects women differently.

I toss this out because I remember a women's discussion group several years ago, and a few women hated the inventor of Viagra. They thought they were finally "done with that nonsense," and then Viagra came along and their husbands were back to poking at them and climbing on. I apologize for the vulgarity, but I think some women are relieved when their husbands find another woman. Not all men are good in bed, after all.

If I am remembering correctly there is now a pill for women that will help in this area if they need the help and are interested that is.

I have to say though I personally don't know any woman who would be relieved for their dh to find another woman to take care of the making love aspect of their relationship. Not one and I know a lot of women. That concept sounds like it is from another era entirely.

The women who were complaining were also from another era, and we aren't talking about only the making love aspect, we were talking about divorce. Sometimes, you just don't want to do it anymore.

There are lots of reasons to get married, and there are lots of reasons to get divorced. I think we are living in a time where everyone believes the fairy tale.

ennui, I was responding specifically to your post regarding Viagra and sex and women just being "done with that nonsense...of climbing on" and that some women are relieved when their husbands find another woman.

I certainly get that sometimes one partner (or both) just want to be finished with the relationship and that is an entirely different matter. I was responding to what you wrote about sex and Viagra and some women being happy when their dh finds another woman to take care of sex for them. If sex is an issue in a relationship it is way more than about the sex IMO. There is a matter that goes deeper to the heart of the marriage.

However if one is in a loving and supportive marriage/relationship and one loses interest in sex both partners usually want to work on that aspect before going outside of the marriage. If one partner says OK I don't care if he/she goes outside of the relationship because I don't want to make love anymore well that is a matter that speaks to something being wrong at the core IMO. A loss of emotional intimacy which is critical to relationships.

I agree as one ages and as one goes through difficult times with your partner sexual desire can wax and wane but if one is in a loving and committed relationship there are many ways to make it work before going outside of the marriage. Because IMO that is never the way to make it work and certainly will not bring one closer to emotional intimacy and in fact cheating will bring emotional/intimate estrangement. Emotional intimacy, trust and respect are key factors to a successful relationship IMO. So if one cheats on their partner I think it is due to something gone amiss in the relationship that has to do with way more than just having sex.

 

[ennui]

I thought of this topic today. I saw a Corvette with a license plate frame that said "Saw it. Wanted It. Got Divorced. Bought it."

It made me laugh, but also, people have different ideas of how to spend their "golden years." I could picture that owner with a spouse (being gender neutral), who said "what do you want that for?"

missy, I just now saw your post. I think you're assuming couples "communicate." The older generation doesn't deal the way the youngsters do. Some people don't share feelings, don't go to therapy, don't want to talk, don't want to negotiate, they'd rather just call it quits and move on.

 

[MollyMalone]

I* * * missy, I just now saw your post. I think you're assuming couples "communicate." The older generation doesn't deal the way the youngsters do. Some people don't share feelings, don't go to therapy, don't want to talk, don't want to negotiate, they'd rather just call it quits and move on.

Think it's a mistake (and serves no good purpose I can think of) to pigeonhole people so broadly, make generalizations based on age, e.g., "the older generation doesn't deal the way the youngsters do", and as seen earlier in this thread, women who don't have a sexual appetite are "from a different era."

As kenny is fond of reminding us, "people vary".
There are milleninals who -- from an outsider's perspective; I add this because we are rarely privy to the true internal life of others' relationships/ marriages -- are quick to jump ship; there are any number of seniors, men AND women, who are quite sexually active (as evidenced by the CDC's report earlier this year re the dramatic rise in STDs in those over 65 & the fact that as many Medicare Part B patients have asked for STD screening as had colonsopies) -- or would like to be; there are people in their 20's, 30's and 40's who have little to no sex drive, but are not comfortable making that known, lest it be greeted by vigorous protests ("oh, you just haven't met the right person"), pity, or disdain.

Similarly, sexual intimacy, or lack thereof, is usually perceived as "the canary in the gold mine" of a marriage/relationship, i.e., lack of sexual intimacy bespeaks of an emotionally dead relationship & we think the converse is true as well. But those are not universal truths. There are indeed happy, wholly companionate marriages...don't ask, don't tell marriages... and relationships where the sex is the only good thing. Even tho' none of these is a marital state the collective you (myself included) want for ourselves.

 

[ennui]

I'm not trying to pigeon-hole people, I'm simply trying to explore another viewpoint. I have heard women say they hate the inventor of Viagra, and I have seen men who aren't interested in raising the grandkids.

There are many sides to any relationship, and relationships do evolve over time. Ideally, people change in the same direction, and when they don't, they get divorced after 20 or 30 years.

I think the original post had an element of "why bother divorcing after all those years." Well, lots of reasons.

 

[MollyMalone]

I'm not trying to pigeon-hole people, I'm simply trying to explore another viewpoint. I have heard women say they hate the inventor of Viagra, and I have seen men who aren't interested in raising the grandkids. * * * I think the original post had an element of "why bother divorcing after all those years." Well, lots of reasons.

Oh, I agree that there are women who rue the day Viagra came on to the market & grandfathers who don't care to spend their post-retirement days with the grandchildren; my previous post was prompted by the quoted, sweeping generalizations.

As for danny's

Why wouldn't people stay together after they stayed together for such a long time? * * * I just don't understand why someone would want to be alone or with a new partner after a long marriage. Any experiences anyone would like to share?

I'll offer my own "insider's" experience (am I the only PSer whose marriage officially dissolved after 20 or more years?):
With my mother's diagnosis of Stage III ovarian cancer and the unexpected death of one of my dearest friends who had just turned 44 , I had begun to really ponder my own mortality, whether I wanted to continuing living my life as it had become. With hindsight, I'd conjecture that my husband was suffering from depression and using alcohol to self-medicate. But at the time, what I saw was a man who, e.g., refused to acknowledge his drinking was becoming a problem, let alone do anything to address it; had refused to return for a third session of marriage counseling or consider going to another therapist; had generally "checked out" of our marriage, viewed me as a great convenience, but no longer a cherished wife. And we were increasingly not on the same (or compatible) parenting page re our son.

The defining moment for me was the day my mother had "second look" surgery following her chemo treatment. I'd flown back to the Midwest, so was in the waiting room with my dad when the surgeon came out to inform us that the chemo had been wholly ineffectual; in fact, there were more tumors than before, and (my father asked) she was unlikely to live more than 6-8 months. The surgeon said he would send someone down to let us know when she was out of recovery & we could go up to be with her as he broke the news to her. When the messenger came, I told Dad that I thought he and Mom should have the initial time together, so I would grab some lunch from the hospital cafeteria before I came up.

I couldn't actually eat anything but waited about 30 minutes. As I approached her room, I saw that my dad had clambered into her hospital bed, and they were entwined in each other's arms, smiling at each other through tears. The vibrancy of their love & caring concern for each other seemed to be a shimmering aura around them, and upon seeing this, I found myself whispering, "I want that."

I've had a pretty rich, rewarding post-divorce social life, but I have not remarried & am not currently in a SO relationship. So the "that" I gave voice to in the hospital hallway hasn't happened, and maybe it never will. But I can unhesitatingly say that I have never felt as lonely since leaving my husband as I did in the latter years of my 21-year marriage.

 

[LLJsmom]

ok I will try and explain without too much detail....I have been married since 1984, we have 2 grown kids. Divorce is in my future. When we got married we really didnt have alot in common..like nothing lol...but we were in love, I was 23 and he was 28 (29 a month after we got married) things went very well for years...but we started having problems after about 7 years or so...but we both hung in there thinking it would get better. Sometimes things were bad, others were good..mostly good in the beginning, but I should have realized along time ago that it would not work..but I didnt. I thought having another kid would help so we had another baby (so our sons are 11 years apart) I was 36 and he was 42 when our youngest was born...that made things worse not better!

So why now after 31 years...well I now realize that we were never meant to be...we have nothing in common, we dont talk much to each other, we now sleep in separate rooms, we just coexist, like room mates..I realized that we both had changed and he has some demons that I see, but he doesnt, he plays mind games with me and has for years, I just didnt realize it till the last couple of years. I cannot stand mind games...there is no physical abuse in our relationship but there is mental abuse on both sides.

Now I know all are thinking why do I stay if I am so unhappy, I have ask myself this alot..its plain and simple right now, money this is why I stay..we are not rich by any means..we are just middle class people..we make the close to the same annual salary (me a little more then him) and I have gotten used to a financially stable life and when I get divorced my life style will change quite abit and I have to make sure I a ready for that change..I am currently working on getting some debt paid off so that when I do make this change we will have very little debt to carry with us.

So my answer to this question is you just lose interest in the other person, use just dont care anymore.you grow apart and fall out of love..it happens..mental illness and or physical illness also plays into everything..money is big issue as well..sometimes in life you have to choose the lessor of 2 evils.

I get it. No judgement here. My parents are like that, but after almost 50'years, eh... My DH and I are different. Going on 19 years and still best friends and very much in love. We love being together. Day to day grind gets in the way but it's also a stage of life thing. Kids, work, family. I'm very lucky. I have a great guy.