Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Much???

[arkieb1]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wow so the MIL on the other side is a bigger controlling manipulative nutball than the bridezilla and the groom's on a cash grab. I think that about covers it. Meet up with them somewhere and have a nice holiday yourself in the UK, tell as many people as you can they can also do that way so they don't feel obligated to be stuck on the cruise ship from hell for two weeks either. Maybe if there are free drinks lots of people will go.

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Maybe if there are free drinks lots of people will go.

What happens if people exceed their $400 drink package? Twelve days is a long time on a cruise ship.

 

[House Cat]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

$20,000 pales in comparison to the $10,000 each guest has to fork out in order to be part of this wedding!

Tell these people to fork out $200,000 to accommodate 20 guests for this ridiculous affair...maybe that will put things into perspective for these clueless individuals.

 

[amc80]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

What happens if people exceed their $400 drink package? Twelve days is a long time on a cruise ship.

That's unlimited...but they reserve the right to cut people off

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I have a feeling the cruise will be the SIL and her husband, his parents, and anyone else his parents pay to come. 12 days would not be an option for my husband, and he gets 6 weeks vacation a year (taken a week at a time because he simply can't be away longer than that). Under no circumstances would we attend unless we could fly to the wedding city and plan our own vacation for the rest of the time. Even just asking people to come to Europe to a wedding is nuts. I would for sure suggest flying into the port city for the wedding to her mother so she doesn't have to suffer for 12 days.

I had a feeling this was about money and a free or cheap trip for them if they had enough guests. The in-law part really complicates it. Having to go on your honeymoon with your in-laws sounds like the start of big trouble to me.

 

[Imdanny]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Okay, se plot thickens… DH hung out with his mom and they talked about the situation. We couldn't figure how SIL got this hair-brained idea to begin with, and my MIL gave DH some insight. So SIL's future in-laws really want to do this cruise, and they told SIL that they will giver her and her future DH $20k towards the wedding if they do it on this cruise. UGH.

Sounds like her parents are very controlling, and they control people with money.

This will set the tone for their lives together (lots of in-law involvement/control), does he realize this?

What parent in their right mind wants to dictate the time and place of the wedding AND go along on the honeymoon?

iLander, I agree with you.

 

[Imdanny]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

$20,000 pales in comparison to the $10,000 each guest has to fork out in order to be part of this wedding!

Tell these people to fork out $200,000 to accommodate 20 guests for this ridiculous affair...maybe that will put things into perspective for these clueless individuals.

Just put a Bentley Muslsanne on the bridal registry at $300,000 and ask the guests to buy it. Then give them cocktails and appetizers. For another $100,000, they'd get a car that would last longer than a cruise.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

What happens if people exceed their $400 drink package? Twelve days is a long time on a cruise ship.

That's unlimited...but they reserve the right to cut people off

I have to wonder what the drinks are going to be like… $400 for 12 days worth of unlimited drinks seems pretty cheap! I can only imagine what kind of horrible, cheap, watered-down cocktails they will be serving!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

$20,000 pales in comparison to the $10,000 each guest has to fork out in order to be part of this wedding!

Tell these people to fork out $200,000 to accommodate 20 guests for this ridiculous affair...maybe that will put things into perspective for these clueless individuals.

Just put a Bentley Muslsanne on the bridal registry at $300,000 and ask the guests to buy it. Then give them cocktails and appetizers. For another $100,000, they'd get a car that would last longer than a cruise.

I got a good laugh at this!!!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

DH and I have spent a great deal of time thinking and talking about this situation over the past few days, and I remembered an important detail from our wedding because of it! My MIL (DH and SIL's mother) was unhappy with our choice of venue. We had rented out the Hicksville Trailer Palace for the entire weekend and planned on holding our reception there as well. I wasn't into the whole wedding thing, so decided to do a kitschy anti-wedding. MIL is not usually very opinionated, so we were surprised when she told DH that she really didn't want to tell people that her son was getting married someplace called a "trailer palace". Without a second thought I went out and found an alternate venue, despite the extra work and extra money. We did this because first and foremost, we wanted our family members to be happy and have a good time! We still stayed at Hicksville with 23 of our closest friends, and had a great time, but it was not the wedding we had originally envisioned. However, it was far more important to us that his mom be happy. MIL is planning on bringing this up to her daughter with the hopes that she will cancel the cruise. Otherwise she is going to tell her that we will meet her in Dublin for the ceremony, which will be rather sad for my MIL and DH because they would like to see her for more than just a couple hours on her wedding day, but no one is going to subject themselves to the misery of 12 days trapped on a ship for that.

 

[minousbijoux]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wow, good luck to MIL. It sounds like it may be really hard to stand up to SIL based on her reactions. But someone has to give her a reality check of how things may be if she goes through with it as planned - that is, likely few people she knows, a cruise she may have to pay for since she will probably not get enough people to cover her/fiance's costs, and a ceremony largely bereft of friends and family. I can't believe that she would really go ahead with it under these circumstances. But good luck with it all, TL. This has got to be so hard on the family.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wow, good luck to MIL. It sounds like it may be really hard to stand up to SIL based on her reactions. But someone has to give her a reality check of how things may be if she goes through with it as planned - that is, likely few people she knows, a cruise she may have to pay for since she will probably not get enough people to cover her/fiance's costs, and a ceremony largely bereft of friends and family. I can't believe that she would really go ahead with it under these circumstances. But good luck with it all, TL. This has got to be so hard on the family.

Well, if nothing else SIL will be well-warned that some of her family will not turn up for the cruise, so she cannot have hurt feelings. I feel the worst for my DH, MIL and BIL because they will all be inconvenienced because they WANT to be there for her wedding. DH wants me to go of course, but if I really don't want to go, I don't have to. DH, MIL, SIL and I are all going to have dinner together tomorrow night, so hopefully we will have resolution by then.

 

[iLander]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wow, good luck to MIL. It sounds like it may be really hard to stand up to SIL based on her reactions. But someone has to give her a reality check of how things may be if she goes through with it as planned - that is, likely few people she knows, a cruise she may have to pay for since she will probably not get enough people to cover her/fiance's costs, and a ceremony largely bereft of friends and family. I can't believe that she would really go ahead with it under these circumstances. But good luck with it all, TL. This has got to be so hard on the family.

Well, if nothing else SIL will be well-warned that some of her family will not turn up for the cruise, so she cannot have hurt feelings. I feel the worst for my DH, MIL and BIL because they will all be inconvenienced because they WANT to be there for her wedding. DH wants me to go of course, but if I really don't want to go, I don't have to. DH, MIL, SIL and I are all going to have dinner together tomorrow night, so hopefully we will have resolution by then.

Expect another temper tantrum from her. She may even stamp her little foot and call you names. While she's doing that, just pretend you're looking at a two-year-old and it will suddenly all make sense.

Poor Tuffy.

 

[canuk-gal]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

DH and I have spent a great deal of time thinking and talking about this situation over the past few days, and I remembered an important detail from our wedding because of it! My MIL (DH and SIL's mother) was unhappy with our choice of venue. We had rented out the Hicksville Trailer Palace for the entire weekend and planned on holding our reception there as well. I wasn't into the whole wedding thing, so decided to do a kitschy anti-wedding. MIL is not usually very opinionated, so we were surprised when she told DH that she really didn't want to tell people that her son was getting married someplace called a "trailer palace". Without a second thought I went out and found an alternate venue, despite the extra work and extra money. We did this because first and foremost, we wanted our family members to be happy and have a good time! We still stayed at Hicksville with 23 of our closest friends, and had a great time, but it was not the wedding we had originally envisioned. However, it was far more important to us that his mom be happy. MIL is planning on bringing this up to her daughter with the hopes that she will cancel the cruise. Otherwise she is going to tell her that we will meet her in Dublin for the ceremony, which will be rather sad for my MIL and DH because they would like to see her for more than just a couple hours on her wedding day, but no one is going to subject themselves to the misery of 12 days trapped on a ship for that.

Let one hope that Mother's still have some influence. Given your MIL is not a complainer--her daughter might therefore feel the weight of her opinion. You did. And FWIW I also did. I would eloped if it were not for my (sweet) Mother's objections. We had a gorgeous "proper" wedding.

cheers--Sharon

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wow, good luck to MIL. It sounds like it may be really hard to stand up to SIL based on her reactions. But someone has to give her a reality check of how things may be if she goes through with it as planned - that is, likely few people she knows, a cruise she may have to pay for since she will probably not get enough people to cover her/fiance's costs, and a ceremony largely bereft of friends and family. I can't believe that she would really go ahead with it under these circumstances. But good luck with it all, TL. This has got to be so hard on the family.

Well, if nothing else SIL will be well-warned that some of her family will not turn up for the cruise, so she cannot have hurt feelings. I feel the worst for my DH, MIL and BIL because they will all be inconvenienced because they WANT to be there for her wedding. DH wants me to go of course, but if I really don't want to go, I don't have to. DH, MIL, SIL and I are all going to have dinner together tomorrow night, so hopefully we will have resolution by then.

Expect another temper tantrum from her. She may even stamp her little foot and call you names. While she's doing that, just pretend you're looking at a two-year-old and it will suddenly all make sense.

Poor Tuffy.

Hahaha… we shall see! I wouldn't be surprised. I never would have guessed that she would have gone this route in a million years, but I guess sometimes it takes 9 years to really get to know your in-laws!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

DH and I have spent a great deal of time thinking and talking about this situation over the past few days, and I remembered an important detail from our wedding because of it! My MIL (DH and SIL's mother) was unhappy with our choice of venue. We had rented out the Hicksville Trailer Palace for the entire weekend and planned on holding our reception there as well. I wasn't into the whole wedding thing, so decided to do a kitschy anti-wedding. MIL is not usually very opinionated, so we were surprised when she told DH that she really didn't want to tell people that her son was getting married someplace called a "trailer palace". Without a second thought I went out and found an alternate venue, despite the extra work and extra money. We did this because first and foremost, we wanted our family members to be happy and have a good time! We still stayed at Hicksville with 23 of our closest friends, and had a great time, but it was not the wedding we had originally envisioned. However, it was far more important to us that his mom be happy. MIL is planning on bringing this up to her daughter with the hopes that she will cancel the cruise. Otherwise she is going to tell her that we will meet her in Dublin for the ceremony, which will be rather sad for my MIL and DH because they would like to see her for more than just a couple hours on her wedding day, but no one is going to subject themselves to the misery of 12 days trapped on a ship for that.

Let one hope that Mother's still have some influence. Given your MIL is not a complainer--her daughter might therefore feel the weight of her opinion. You did. And FWIW I also did. I would eloped if it were not for my (sweet) Mother's objections. We had a gorgeous "proper" wedding.

cheers--Sharon

I know that she cares about her mom a lot. I am totally floored that she has but her future in-laws before her, and I can't believe that she even started planning without consulting her mom!!! That would have been the first person with whom I discussed plans!

 

[aljdewey]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

It sounds like it may be really hard to stand up to SIL based on her reactions. But someone has to give her a reality check of how things may be if she goes through with it as planned -

I don't mean to be dense on this, but why? Why does someone have to give her a reality check?

That's already been tried by Tuffy's DH, and it was not well received. Why would anyone expect a second attempt to suddenly get through to her? I really don't think it will; what it will more likely do is this:

It will build instant resentment toward the soul who tries to deliver the reality check, *and* I'd bet my whole year's salary that the ripples from that resentment will continue for years after the actual wedding itself. It is not worth it.

She will get a reality check.....when she begins receiving all the declinations from her intended guests. Those guests will not be at family holiday gatherings, birthdays and other milestone events to endure the ripples over the years, so let them be the bad guys.

It's enough for now for Tuffy and DH's family to just say "we so want to be a part of your special day, so we will be attending the wedding. We won't be joining for the cruise, but we'll be sending our best wishes to you and your guests for a fun time."

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I think it is a heck of a lot to even expect family to fly to Europe for a wedding. Tuffy is much nicer than I am.

Tuffy, be sure she knows that she probably can't legally get married there. I am betting that she doesn't know that.

We had a niece get married on a cruise..as in elope..the two of them. Trust me, I was HAPPY to send her a nice gift in the mail and wish them well. I am so glad we weren't invited to spend a week on a cruise we would not have chosen! Two weeks is absurd.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

It sounds like it may be really hard to stand up to SIL based on her reactions. But someone has to give her a reality check of how things may be if she goes through with it as planned -

I don't mean to be dense on this, but why? Why does someone have to give her a reality check?

That's already been tried by Tuffy's DH, and it was not well received. Why would anyone expect a second attempt to suddenly get through to her? I really don't think it will; what it will more likely do is this:

It will build instant resentment toward the soul who tries to deliver the reality check, *and* I'd bet my whole year's salary that the ripples from that resentment will continue for years after the actual wedding itself. It is not worth it.

She will get a reality check.....when she begins receiving all the declinations from her intended guests. Those guests will not be at family holiday gatherings, birthdays and other milestone events to endure the ripples over the years, so let them be the bad guys.

It's enough for now for Tuffy and DH's family to just say "we so want to be a part of your special day, so we will be attending the wedding. We won't be joining for the cruise, but we'll be sending our best wishes to you and your guests for a fun time."

To be fair, SIL definitely does care if her family is not there, and i don't think she's being realistic--she thinks that because the people she's brought it up to have said that they want to attend, that means that they will definitely be there. Anyone who has planned a wedding knows that not every invited guest actually makes it to the wedding--especially one this involved! DH and I are not going to bring it up again, but I do think it's important that her mother makes it clear that she cannot spent 2 weeks seasick on a cruise ship. If she goes ahead with the plans, we will just shut our mouths, not bring up the subject again and meet them in Dublin.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I think it is a heck of a lot to even expect family to fly to Europe for a wedding. Tuffy is much nicer than I am.

Tuffy, be sure she knows that she probably can't legally get married there. I am betting that she doesn't know that.

We had a niece get married on a cruise..as in elope..the two of them. Trust me, I was HAPPY to send her a nice gift in the mail and wish them well. I am so glad we weren't invited to spend a week on a cruise we would not have chosen! Two weeks is absurd.

I mentioned that they cannot get legally married there, and they said that they would just do it at the courthouse here and do a symbolic ceremony there. They didn't know before, but now they do and they don't seem bothered by it.

 

[Tekate]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

As my 27 year old son says often - WHAAAAT?? I just started reading this thread.. eeek! dang.. etc.

Every girl wants a 'platinum' wedding today.. my mom was from Ireland, County Dingle and she used to say "Kate, LESS IS MORE" and she was right... to me your sister in law is being ludicrous, crazy and nutzoid and dare I say it, self involved.. I've done Celebrity Cruises, I like them okay (I like Azamara better).. cruising can be fun, I love to have a nice deck and read, love the ocean wherever I'm cruising, do not give one who is on the cruise, don't feel stuck and always get the 'anytime' dining. That said I am OLDish.... I don't do the limbo anymore, never line danced, I cruise often and like the cruise lines that offer educational speakers (Celebrity does).. and when I say often I mean once a year or every other year.. (next February I'm flying to LA cruising down thru the Panama Canal and ending in Miami) but as I said, that is my cup of tea and can understand it not being everyones... Unless you all are members of the Country Club of your choice, Bentley is your 'mobile, you start at 4 carats and your kids go to Foxcroft or Trinity this 'vacation' wedding is cost prohibitive.

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Well, if nothing else SIL will be well-warned that some of her family will not turn up for the cruise, so she cannot have hurt feelings. I feel the worst for my DH, MIL and BIL because they will all be inconvenienced because they WANT to be there for her wedding. DH wants me to go of course, but if I really don't want to go, I don't have to. DH, MIL, SIL and I are all going to have dinner together tomorrow night, so hopefully we will have resolution by then.

At the dinner, SIL will feel like you all are ganging up on her. Right now, she's getting more support from the FILs. Plus the $20K. So, keep your words kind and your expectations low.

Nevertheless, I am enjoying this little drama.

 

[distracts]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I feel so sorry for MIL since she gets seasick. My dad can't even look at a cruise ship without turning green and I can't imagine trying to intentionally get him on board one when I know this.

It's enough for now for Tuffy and DH's family to just say "we so want to be a part of your special day, so we will be attending the wedding. We won't be joining for the cruise, but we'll be sending our best wishes to you and your guests for a fun time."

I agree with this. SIL should be able to have her crazy cruise trip without pressure, but Tuffy et al should be able to attend the ceremony in Dublin (or wherever, since that may not be finalized) without pressure from SIL to attend the cruise.

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I just wanted to clarify ... I think it's very nice of the FILs to offer $20K for the wedding, considering that it is traditional for the bride's parents to pay. The problem is that they added the condition of doing it on the European cruise, and it's possible that they don't even see this as a flaw.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

As my 27 year old son says often - WHAAAAT?? I just started reading this thread.. eeek! dang.. etc.

Every girl wants a 'platinum' wedding today.. my mom was from Ireland, County Dingle and she used to say "Kate, LESS IS MORE" and she was right... to me your sister in law is being ludicrous, crazy and nutzoid and dare I say it, self involved.. I've done Celebrity Cruises, I like them okay (I like Azamara better).. cruising can be fun, I love to have a nice deck and read, love the ocean wherever I'm cruising, do not give one who is on the cruise, don't feel stuck and always get the 'anytime' dining. That said I am OLDish.... I don't do the limbo anymore, never line danced, I cruise often and like the cruise lines that offer educational speakers (Celebrity does).. and when I say often I mean once a year or every other year.. (next February I'm flying to LA cruising down thru the Panama Canal and ending in Miami) but as I said, that is my cup of tea and can understand it not being everyones... Unless you all are members of the Country Club of your choice, Bentley is your 'mobile, you start at 4 carats and your kids go to Foxcroft or Trinity this 'vacation' wedding is cost prohibitive.

I agree that 'less is more'. 100%. That was especially the case with me for our wedding. We wanted to have a party for our friends, but did not feel comfortable spending over $15k to do it. We made some compromises in order to have a party with a full dinner and an open bar: I wore a $700 dress, I got a $600 plain wedding band, I spent hours crafting to save money on decorations. I guess I just felt like the wedding was more for the families than it was for us, and I treated it as such. Obviously that is not the case for many (if not most) brides, and they feel that the day is about them and everyone else should bend to their whim. I suppose I should be more understanding, but I just feel awful for her mother because I know how upsetting this is for her.

On a side note, I have been reading your name as Tecate (like the mexican beer)… now that you have brought light to KATE I get it… and am not feeling very bright at the moment

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Well, if nothing else SIL will be well-warned that some of her family will not turn up for the cruise, so she cannot have hurt feelings. I feel the worst for my DH, MIL and BIL because they will all be inconvenienced because they WANT to be there for her wedding. DH wants me to go of course, but if I really don't want to go, I don't have to. DH, MIL, SIL and I are all going to have dinner together tomorrow night, so hopefully we will have resolution by then.

At the dinner, SIL will feel like you all are ganging up on her. Right now, she's getting more support from the FILs. Plus the $20K. So, keep your words kind and your expectations low.

Nevertheless, I am enjoying this little drama.

DH and I are not going to be in on the conversation, MIL has the floor… We own a duplex and MIL lives in our upstairs unit, so it's not unusual that we're all together for dinner a couple times a week and it's easy for us to go home (downstairs) to let MIL and SIL speak.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I feel so sorry for MIL since she gets seasick. My dad can't even look at a cruise ship without turning green and I can't imagine trying to intentionally get him on board one when I know this.

It's enough for now for Tuffy and DH's family to just say "we so want to be a part of your special day, so we will be attending the wedding. We won't be joining for the cruise, but we'll be sending our best wishes to you and your guests for a fun time."

I agree with this. SIL should be able to have her crazy cruise trip without pressure, but Tuffy et al should be able to attend the ceremony in Dublin (or wherever, since that may not be finalized) without pressure from SIL to attend the cruise.

I feel so horrible about it!!! Trust me--it's very upsetting to both DH and I. I spoke to MIL today and she was getting very upset (almost to the point of tears) because she wants to be with her only daughter for her wedding, but is already anxious about how sick she's going to feel and how unhappy she is going to be on the cruise. I can't help but feel bad for her, but I also know that she tends to be a martyr and I am unsure if she will tell her daughter how she really feels, or if she will just go along with the plan. I really just don't want her to be miserable.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I just wanted to clarify ... I think it's very nice of the FILs to offer $20K for the wedding, considering that it is traditional for the bride's parents to pay. The problem is that they added the condition of doing it on the European cruise, and it's possible that they don't even see this as a flaw.

I agree completely. I truly don't think they see it as a flaw and I don't even think they're doing it to be controlling--I believe that they think it's a brilliant idea and can't see how everyone wouldn't feel the same.

 

[partgypsy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I'm just following to see how this unfolds (gets popcorn). I also agree that she is delusional if she expects people to pay at least 3K a person, endure a 14? hour plane trip each way, and take 14 days off vacation to attend her honeymoon I mean wedding.

 

[aljdewey]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

[quote="distracts|I agree with this. SIL should be able to have her crazy cruise trip without pressure, but Tuffy et al should be able to attend the ceremony in Dublin (or wherever, since that may not be finalized) without pressure from SIL to attend the cruise.[/quote]

Wholly agree. I will say, though, that most of us cannot control whether or not others put pressure on us; we can only control how we respond to that pressure.

It's expected that MIL wants to be there for her only daughter's wedding, as does OP's DH, but I'm sure not why that brings about the cruise angst. As described, the ceremony and the cruise sound like two different (consecutive) events, which makes it possible to be there for the wedding without having to sign up for the subsequent cruise.

If SIL were having a more traditional wedding (i.e. wedding/reception on one day) and then she/groom left for a honeymoon, I can't imagine everyone would be planning to go on the honeymoon with them. Isn't that what the cruise feels like....particularly since they are having the ceremony separately and not on board?

If the concern is that you'll have just the limited time at the ceremony before they whisk away to the cruise, they might have more success asking the SIL to consider holding the ceremony a day ahead of the cruise and not same day (which is what I think has been described?), allowing the immediate family more time together before the cruise event. If SIL really does want time with family on her special day, this would seem like a better compromise than having everyone pressure her to scrap the cruise completely.