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Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Much???

chemgirl

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

So a few years ago DH and I did an amazing two week road trip through the UK and Ireland. If one of you can drive standard (or are lucky enough to find an automatic rental), you can totally self drive it. The ferry service is pretty simple and there's a major port in Dublin, what luck!

I would seriously do your own thing and meet up with then in Dublin if I were you.

Imagine driving the coastal road in Ireland, sleeping in a castle, experiencing major cities....you know you wanna...
 

Niel

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

ennui|1440369745|3918187 said:
Of course, SIL is offended and hurt, but someone had to say something. I don't know why people are afraid of her.

Has anyone spoken to the prospective groom yet? Maybe he'll back out of the proposal and this whole wedding situation will be moot
.

That's awful.


It's amazing she doesn't see how making other people pay for her wedding is going to be off putting
 

MollyMalone

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Well, that was certainly...um...an eye-opening conversation. How absurd that *she* would denounce her brother as being selfish and cheap. I am so sorry that your DH was subjected to her invective and high dudgeon; there was an a$$hat in that conversation, but it sure wasn't him!

Celebrity typically returns full refunds if reservations are canceled 60 days in advance of the cruise start date, with a sliding scale after that. But I won't be losing any sleep myself over the possibility that this ridiculousness might end up costing the diva duo.

p.s. Altho' she apparently doesn't yet know it, Scotland is the only possible country on the itinerary where they have a chance of qualifying to be married. Lots of paperwork, including special visas, and (no surprise to anyone except maybe her) there's a fee for processing each document. Given her reluctance to spend money on nuptials, I now imagine (should they end up sticking with the plan of being Celebrities) that the two of them will duck down beforehand to their local City Hall here in the States for the actual license and marriage ceremony.
 

ennui

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

People who want to have a wedding in Europe usually get married in the US before departure. One is a ceremony, one is legally binding. So, they could get "married" in Dublin, but it's not legally binding.

Niel, I was referring to the fact that the gentleman hasn't proposed yet. The bride is putting the cart before the horse.
 

Tacori E-ring

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Family dynamics can be tough. It isn't really any of your business *why* she planned a destination wedding. People are allowed to have their motives and hey, at least she was honest about them. I hear you when you say your brother wants to be there for her but remember, that is a choice. Sounds like flying to Dublin is a great compromise. Gotta let the rest go, especially if not going to the wedding is not an option. It is amazing how a change in perspective can change everything. That is what you get to control in this situation.
 

TooPatient

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

chemgirl|1440374756|3918222 said:
So a few years ago DH and I did an amazing two week road trip through the UK and Ireland. If one of you can drive standard (or are lucky enough to find an automatic rental), you can totally self drive it. The ferry service is pretty simple and there's a major port in Dublin, what luck!

I would seriously do your own thing and meet up with then in Dublin if I were you.

Imagine driving the coastal road in Ireland, sleeping in a castle, experiencing major cities....you know you wanna...

This is one of my dream vacations of a lifetime. Go! (and post lots of pictures!)
 

azstonie

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I love this thread! :appl: :appl: :appl:

It's so hard to find a nutty narcissist willing to go nuclear any more :lol:
 

tuffyluvr

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Okay, so the plot thickens… DH hung out with his mom and they talked about the situation. We couldn't figure how SIL got this hair-brained idea to begin with, and my MIL gave DH some insight. So SIL's future in-laws really want to do this cruise, and they told SIL that they will giver her and her future DH $20k towards the wedding if they do it on this cruise. UGH.
 

tuffyluvr

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

chemgirl|1440374756|3918222 said:
So a few years ago DH and I did an amazing two week road trip through the UK and Ireland. If one of you can drive standard (or are lucky enough to find an automatic rental), you can totally self drive it. The ferry service is pretty simple and there's a major port in Dublin, what luck!

I would seriously do your own thing and meet up with then in Dublin if I were you.

Imagine driving the coastal road in Ireland, sleeping in a castle, experiencing major cities....you know you wanna...

This sounds amazing!!! We probably will end up doing something like this--if we are flying 12 hours from Los Angeles, we're going to make the most of it. We will probably take 2-2.5 weeks and do what WE want
 

tuffyluvr

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

azstonie|1440381309|3918268 said:
I love this thread! :appl: :appl: :appl:

It's so hard to find a nutty narcissist willing to go nuclear any more :lol:

It would be way better if it wasn't my own family!!!
 

ennui

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

tuffyluvr|1440381775|3918273 said:
Okay, so the plot thickens… DH hung out with his mom and they talked about the situation. We couldn't figure how SIL got this hair-brained idea to begin with, and my MIL gave DH some insight. So SIL's future in-laws really want to do this cruise, and they told SIL that they will giver her and her future DH $20k towards the wedding if they do it on this cruise. UGH.

I had a feeling this was the scenario, after you mentioned the previous cruise, but I couldn't have guessed about the $20K.
 

tuffyluvr

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

ennui|1440382204|3918278 said:
tuffyluvr|1440381775|3918273 said:
Okay, so the plot thickens… DH hung out with his mom and they talked about the situation. We couldn't figure how SIL got this hair-brained idea to begin with, and my MIL gave DH some insight. So SIL's future in-laws really want to do this cruise, and they told SIL that they will giver her and her future DH $20k towards the wedding if they do it on this cruise. UGH.

I had a feeling this was the scenario, after you mentioned the previous cruise, but I couldn't have guessed about the $20K.

Yeah, it all makes a lot more sense now… they get $20k and a free cruise. Obviously hard for them to see the downside when it's so attractive for them.
 

thecat

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

tuffyluvr|1440373402|3918211 said:
canuk-gal|1440366440|3918164 said:
HI:

I am glad I didn't buy a best seller for my vacation--as this thread is turning out to be a great read! :tongue: :saint: ;))

TuffyL--I wonder what will happen if/when fewer people opt in for the cruise; perhaps your SIL will end up paying for her cruise afterall. In that case, would they still go ahead?

Sorry your DH feels badly. :((

cheers--Sharon

Yeah, this has become major drama! I'm not sure what will happen if people don't go. I think it will be too late for them to figure it out and I think they will lose a lot of deposit money too! They've put down their own money as deposits on the rooms, and if people don't stay in those rooms I think they'll lose the deposits!

If they put down a lot of deposit money hoping to host a low cost wedding and without checking who will attend, it's really penny wise pound foolish of them. And why did she called your husband cheap when she's the one who's reluctant to pay for a wedding lunch/dinner and trying to pass the cost on to the guests. I think her family members have all been too tolerant of her.

ETA: I just read about the 20k.
 

MollyMalone

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

tuffy (if you know) is the $20k from the future in-laws an outright gift to the couple or are the FILs thinking the $20K will be used to defray the expenses of the invitees; the latter is what "give $20K towards the wedding" sounds like, but if the invitees are paying full freight, then the couple is going to pocket most of it (except for some canapés and cocktails)? This has become curiouser and curiouser.

ETA: either way, the FILs are sounding to me like controlling personalities.
 

tuffyluvr

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

thecat|1440383281|3918288 said:
tuffyluvr|1440373402|3918211 said:
canuk-gal|1440366440|3918164 said:
HI:

I am glad I didn't buy a best seller for my vacation--as this thread is turning out to be a great read! :tongue: :saint: ;))

TuffyL--I wonder what will happen if/when fewer people opt in for the cruise; perhaps your SIL will end up paying for her cruise afterall. In that case, would they still go ahead?

Sorry your DH feels badly. :((

cheers--Sharon

Yeah, this has become major drama! I'm not sure what will happen if people don't go. I think it will be too late for them to figure it out and I think they will lose a lot of deposit money too! They've put down their own money as deposits on the rooms, and if people don't stay in those rooms I think they'll lose the deposits!

If they put down a lot of deposit money hoping to host a low cost wedding and without checking who will attend, it's really penny wise pound foolish of them. And why did she called your husband cheap when she's the one who's reluctant to pay for a wedding lunch/dinner and trying to pass the cost on to the guests. I think her family members have all been too tolerant of her.

Very true… and I agree with you on all fronts. I think she lashed out at DH because her feelings are hurt. I mean, who wants to hear that their wedding plan totally sucks?!? I think that they believe that because people are saying 'YES' 9 months out, they think that they 100% will come. I don't think they realize that once it comes down to getting the time off and paying for it, some people will end up bowing out.
 

tuffyluvr

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

MollyMalone|1440383547|3918291 said:
tuffy (if you know) is the $20k from the future in-laws an outright gift to the couple or are the FILs thinking the $20K will be used to defray the expenses of the invitees; the latter is what "give $20K towards the wedding" sounds like, but if the invitees are paying full freight, then the couple is going to pocket most of it (except for some canapés and cocktails)? This has become curiouser and curiouser.

They're going to pay for each person's drink package (I think it's like $400? and I didn't realize they were including this in the expenses), and they will cover each person's deposit which if there are 20 people works out to $8k for drinks and $5k in deposits. They will use the rest for their cocktail and canapé reception and pocket whatever's left. It was unfair for me to say that they're not doing anything for their guests, since they're chipping in on the cruise expenses, so each person will only pay $2600 rather than $3300 including the drink package. However, that's still a lot of money--and more importantly--TIME for their guests to spend
 

azstonie

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

tuffyluvr|1440381968|3918276 said:
azstonie|1440381309|3918268 said:
I love this thread! :appl: :appl: :appl:

It's so hard to find a nutty narcissist willing to go nuclear any more :lol:

It would be way better if it wasn't my own family!!!

Ya got me, normally it's someone in MY family who'd come up with Cruise Wedding: The Never-Ending 7th Circle of Hell

:lol: :loopy:
 

thecat

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Her in-laws don't need a reason/excuse to go on a cruise. Why must they tie a cruise in with a wedding? Or do they simply love a party in general, hence they thought the more people they know on the cruise, the merrier?

The simplest solution to this is to register at the local city hall with family members around so that her siblings can be with her for the legal part of the wedding, and then for the newly weds to go on the cruise with her in laws and do the ceremony at whichever port of call she chooses. Her siblings get to accompany her during the legal part, and her in laws get the cruise and the newly weds get their 20k and low cost ceremony.

Regardless of the origin of her cruise idea, she seems rather self centered. It doesn't matter how tolerant you and your husband are. You can try your best not to lose your temper over her other diva antics on the cruise but you can't guarantee she won't get upset over small matters and 12 days is a long time. I think it's just best to fly to whichever location the ceremony is (if they're still getting married at port of call) and then take a few days of holiday yourselves.
 

Rockinruby

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

tuffyluvr|1440381775|3918273 said:
Okay, so the plot thickens… DH hung out with his mom and they talked about the situation. We couldn't figure how SIL got this hair-brained idea to begin with, and my MIL gave DH some insight. So SIL's future in-laws really want to do this cruise, and they told SIL that they will giver her and her future DH $20k towards the wedding if they do it on this cruise. UGH.

This definitely explains a lot! Although I would never take that kind of time off for a trip under these circumstances. We rarely get time off and even if some expenses were paid it still wouldn't be worth it to me. It's frustrating when it is family and you feel obligated to go. :wall: Op, I'm sorry you are going through such a stressful situation. :wavey:
 

Rockinruby

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

jordyonbass|1440131198|3917049 said:
Food for thought: my wife and I got married last year with 80 guests, we had a full ceremony and reception and the groomsmen and I wore elaborate pirate outfits instead of suits. The cost for our entire wedding reception and ceremony was about the same cost as 4 guests for this friend's upcoming wedding. Actually, I probably would have got some change in a 4 digit amount from what those 4 guests are going to pay.

Now this I gotta see...must have been a great wedding! :naughty: :appl:
 

distracts

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I think just flying in to wherever the ceremony is sounds like the best idea. For a sibling, you can't really skip the wedding, but you can certainly skip the cruise.

chemgirl|1440374756|3918222 said:
I would seriously do your own thing and meet up with then in Dublin if I were you.

Imagine driving the coastal road in Ireland, sleeping in a castle, experiencing major cities....you know you wanna...
This sounds much better to me than a cruise. Don't mind me, I'm just over here dreaming and planning out your vacation, tuffy.
 

aljdewey

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

tuffyluvr|1440383779|3918294 said:
I think she lashed out at DH because her feelings are hurt. I mean, who wants to hear that their wedding plan totally sucks?!?

No one does, I think. :angel:

I agree with Tacori that they should be able to choose whatever they want, and guests can choose if/how much they participate in.

In this situation, I'd withhold my opinion/commentary about the overall plan and just instead confirm that I'll be attending the wedding but forgoing the cruise. I don't see the point in trying to exert influence to change their plans (even if it's well-meaning to save them from disillusionment down the line). Either everyone else really does think it's great and will go, or their guests will all bail and they'll figure it out.
 

LLJsmom

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

azstonie|1440381309|3918268 said:
I love this thread! :appl: :appl: :appl:

It's so hard to find a nutty narcissist willing to go nuclear any more :lol:

WORD, AZ. Get the popcorn and hunker down for an entertaining train wreck. So sorry tuffy. Feeling for you...
 

MollyMalone

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

thecat said:
Her in-laws don't need a reason/excuse to go on a cruise. Why must they tie a cruise in with a wedding? Or do they simply love a party in general, hence they thought the more people they know on the cruise, the merrier?

The simplest solution to this is to register at the local city hall with family members around so that her siblings can be with her for the legal part of the wedding, and then for the newly weds to go on the cruise with her in laws and do the ceremony at whichever port of call she chooses. Her siblings get to accompany her during the legal part, and her in laws get the cruise and the newly weds get their 20k and low cost ceremony.
I had thought, perhaps mistakenly, that getting lawfully married in a foreign country (or having the ship's captain as the officiant for the legal ceremony) was part of the cruise's allure for the couple. Here's hoping they do consider "tying the knot" locally to eliminate the stress of meeting Scotland's requirements -- & include family members in that landlubber occasion.

(I am clueless as to why the future in-laws made this conditional gift. But it's a good reminder for me to be grateful that gifts with strings attached has never been part of my life's world)
 

amc80

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Are they doing a symbolic ceremony only?

http://www.irelandforvisitors.com/articles/getting_married_in_ireland.htm

Three months' notice
To marry in the Republic of Ireland, three months' written notice of the parties' intention to wed must be given to the registrar for the district in which you wish to be married. Occasionally, exceptions are given, but they must be applied for at the Circuit Family Court Office or the High Court Office. There is no cost for this service.

Residency
Residency is a must, whether for a religious ceremony or civil marriage, and requires at least one visit to Ireland prior to the actual ceremony to complete all the administrivia. Both parties must be over eighteen years of age on the actual wedding day to be married in the Republic of Ireland. To establish residency qualifications for marriage by license, one of the parties needs fifteen full days of residency, the other party need to reside in the area seven days before notice is served, and then the wedding can take place eight days later.

If the parties choose to get married without a license, the residency requirement is shortened (seven full days for each party), but the waiting period is much longer. Notice is served on the eighth day, but the marriage cannot take place until twenty-two days later. These requirements apply to the county of Dublin. Interested parties planning to be married elsewhere need to ask about the residency requirement in the district of their choice.
 

momhappy

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

aljdewey|1440441612|3918600 said:
tuffyluvr|1440383779|3918294 said:
I think she lashed out at DH because her feelings are hurt. I mean, who wants to hear that their wedding plan totally sucks?!?

No one does, I think. :angel:

I agree with Tacori that they should be able to choose whatever they want, and guests can choose if/how much they participate in.

In this situation, I'd withhold my opinion/commentary about the overall plan and just instead confirm that I'll be attending the wedding but forgoing the cruise. I don't see the point in trying to exert influence to change their plans (even if it's well-meaning to save them from disillusionment down the line). Either everyone else really does think it's great and will go, or their guests will all bail and they'll figure it out.

I agree with all of this:)
 

iLander

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

tuffyluvr said:
Okay, so the plot thickens… DH hung out with his mom and they talked about the situation. We couldn't figure how SIL got this hair-brained idea to begin with, and my MIL gave DH some insight. So SIL's future in-laws really want to do this cruise, and they told SIL that they will giver her and her future DH $20k towards the wedding if they do it on this cruise. UGH.

Sounds like her parents are very controlling, and they control people with money.

This will set the tone for their lives together (lots of in-law involvement/control), does he realize this?

What parent in their right mind wants to dictate the time and place of the wedding AND go along on the honeymoon? :???:
 

MollyMalone

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Not that matters in big picture terms, but it's tuffy's sister-in-law who is the bride-to-be & the parents calling the tune on the cruise are her fiancé's parents. The bride's mother is very prone to seasickness.
 

House Cat

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

tuffyluvr|1440364783|3918144 said:
Well, DH spoke to his younger brother about the wedding to get his opinion before speaking to his sister about it, and his brother is LIVID, yet refuses to say anything to his sister because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He feels that it is way too much to ask financially and time-wise, and is very upset at the prospect of being stuck on a cruise ship for 12 days, too.

After hearing that, DH went to his sister to speak with her about his concerns, and unfortunately it did not go well. At all. She became really offended and upset and said that everyone else thinks it's a really great idea and implied that DH is just being selfish and cheap(!!!). She went on to tell him that she is hell-bent on doing her wedding this way because she doesn't want to spend a lot of her own money on a wedding and additionally does not want the inconvenience of planning, cleanup, etc. like we had with our wedding (our wedding was a small-budget DIY affair and I spent a lot of time crafting, planning, preparing, and DH and I spent about 5-6 hours the day after our wedding cleaning up--we didn't ask for help from our friends or family). DH told her that while it IS her wedding, those things are part of what you have to do in order to put on a nice party for your friends and family. We asked people to drive 60-100 miles outside of Los Angeles (plus a few friends and family traveled from the East Coast) for our wedding, and we felt that because of that we owed them a nice party free of additional costs to them. We covered the cost of accommodations for our friends who traveled cross-country for the wedding, we hosted a welcome dinner the night before that everyone was invited to and we also had transportation to the venue, dinner and an open bar for the wedding. Honestly, it was not easy to put on, but we wanted to do it because while it was OUR wedding, it was not 100% about us and we wanted our guests to feel like GUESTS and enjoy themselves.

Basically it ended with him feeling like a total @$$hole and her having hurt feelings. I am irate at the fact that it's come to light that the reason for her choice is to remove the burden and cost of wedding planning from herself at the cost of putting out her friends and family. It looks like they are going to do it in Dublin and at this point DH and I (and possibly some of the other family members) may just fly into Dublin and meet up with them for the day-of. This is just absurd :angryfire:


***END RANT***

This would absolve me from any guilt or obligation that I had in going to this wedding.


She is a spoiled brat who wants an extravagant wedding but doesn't want to pay for it. I, personally, would not have any part in enabling this sort of behavior.


Remember, SHE is in the wrong here. Protecting yourself from selfish people isn't wrong in the least, no matter how many other dysfunctional family members hop on board and do otherwise!!
 

ennui

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I feel that the $20K completely changes the whole dynamic of the wedding, and probably the marriage.

I don't understand why the cruise needs to include the wedding. The four of them could go and have a lovely time without the wedding part.

If someone offered me $20K to get married on a cruise, it would simply open negotiations. "How much $$ if we marry in Napa?" "How much for a beach wedding?" etc. Is the groom so awful that he needs a dowry?

Btw, someone said that family are obligated to attend. I kind of disagree. If someone in my family announced they were getting married in Timbuktu, I wouldn't feel obligated. If you want all of your friends and family to be there, you make it convenient. People don't even plan a BBQ without checking a few schedules.

Btw, I feel sad for the mother of the bride. Even thought Tuffy said they're close, I'm not so sure.
 
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