Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Much???

[momhappy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

For me, the bottom line is that planning a wedding is about a bride & groom. Heck, if a couple wants to get married on the moon, then they should feel free to plan a wedding on the moon. It's not about anyone else - it's about what they want. Having said that, if a couple chooses to plan a wedding that makes it difficult for guests to attend (financially difficult, difficult timing, etc.), then that couple needs to be in a position where they won't begrudge people for not attending - and they need to be 100% okay with the fact that they will have a small/intimate wedding So while I think that this type of destination wedding is utterly ridiculous, I still think that it's reasonable for a couple to choose their own wedding bliss and I don't think that it's anyone else's job to try to change that.
I feel bad for you, OP, that you've been put in this bind - it sounds like you want to be supportive, but it's difficult for you (and I can certainly understand why). I wish you luck with this one and I hope that it all works out for you
I have only attended one destination wedding, but it was before kids and we treated it like a vacation for us. However, I can see how that might be difficult if you are trapped on a cruise ship...

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

For me, the bottom line is that planning a wedding is about a bride & groom. Heck, if a couple wants to get married on the moon, then they should feel free to plan a wedding on the moon. It's not about anyone else - it's about what they want. Having said that, if a couple chooses to plan a wedding that makes it difficult for guests to attend (financially difficult, difficult timing, etc.), then that couple needs to be in a position where they won't begrudge people for not attending - and they need to be 100% okay with the fact that they will have a small/intimate wedding So while I think that this type of destination wedding is utterly ridiculous, I still think that it's reasonable for a couple to choose their own wedding bliss and I don't think that it's anyone else's job to try to change that.

An elopement is all about the bride and groom. A wedding is about sharing the experience with others - or more accurately, about the bride and groom inviting others to share the experience with them. A 2-week cruise is essentially saying "we'd love for you to share our wedding day with us, but if you can't afford or tolerate a long cruise, or if this isn't your idea of the ideal vacation, well... we love you but we'll miss you." BTW momhappy I think we're on the same page, but my take is that it's not just ridiculous, it's also kind of sad.

Anyhow, here's hoping that tuffy's BIL and future SIL will take their relatives' concerns into consideration before finalizing these plans.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

For me, the bottom line is that planning a wedding is about a bride & groom. Heck, if a couple wants to get married on the moon, then they should feel free to plan a wedding on the moon. It's not about anyone else - it's about what they want. Having said that, if a couple chooses to plan a wedding that makes it difficult for guests to attend (financially difficult, difficult timing, etc.), then that couple needs to be in a position where they won't begrudge people for not attending - and they need to be 100% okay with the fact that they will have a small/intimate wedding So while I think that this type of destination wedding is utterly ridiculous, I still think that it's reasonable for a couple to choose their own wedding bliss and I don't think that it's anyone else's job to try to change that.

An elopement is all about the bride and groom. A wedding is about sharing the experience with others - or more accurately, about the bride and groom inviting others to share the experience with them. A 2-week cruise is essentially saying "we'd love for you to share our wedding day with us, but if you can't afford or tolerate a long cruise, or if this isn't your idea of the ideal vacation, well... we love you but we'll miss you." BTW momhappy I think we're on the same page, but my take is that it's not just ridiculous, it's also kind of sad.

Anyhow, here's hoping that tuffy's BIL and future SIL will take their relatives' concerns into consideration before finalizing these plans.

Yes, I think we're pretty much on the same page I agree that it's sort of sad in a way, but that's probably because this sort of destination wedding is not my cup of tea.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

They can plan anything they want. That is their choice. Just as you and your husband can choose not to attend. Unless she is completely clueless, I am sure she knows that is a risk she runs.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

They can plan anything they want. That is their choice. Just as you and your husband can choose not to attend. Unless she is completely clueless, I am sure she knows that is a risk she runs.

While I agree with you 100%, unfortunately family dynamics do get in the way. Sometimes the HC will pressure their friends and family members or guilt trip them afterwards. Or maybe the parents or other family members. Some people may not relish the thought of hearing how they missed their own sibling's wedding, or that they were too cheap to attend or whatever variant happens to be used.

 

[MollyMalone]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

In addition to the boatloads of money & the 12-hr flights each way for most of the anticipated guests, the enforced, restrictive cruise itinerary actually cuts across 3 work weeks (ship leaves on Thursday, May 26, returns on Tuesday, June 7). Joining the couple for just part of the cruise is not an option -- unless you are willing to forfeit the full fare for the 12-night itinerary.

The onus of this protracted scenario looks to fall especially heavily on the bride's mother, who is apparently not partnered (her 1st cruise a couple of years ago was in the company of the couple & his parents); knows first-hand that she hates cruising; and has also discovered that his parents (perhaps her only contemporaries that would be on this honeymoon voyage) are not simpatico company for days on end.

So for lots of reasons, tuffy, I'm wishing your DH well when he broaches the concerns & am hoping that the couple is not truly wedded to the idea

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

They can plan anything they want. That is their choice. Just as you and your husband can choose not to attend. Unless she is completely clueless, I am sure she knows that is a risk she runs.

While I agree with you 100%, unfortunately family dynamics do get in the way. Sometimes the HC will pressure their friends and family members or guilt trip them afterwards. Or maybe the parents or other family members. Some people may not relish the thought of hearing how they missed their own sibling's wedding, or that they were too cheap to attend or whatever variant happens to be used.

Personally guilt is much easier for me to get over than resentment.

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Personally guilt is much easier for me to get over than resentment.

Oh, that's very good! It's next to 'it's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission,' but I digress.

Since money doesn't seem to be an issue, the problem becomes the time. Who wants to attend a wedding that lasts over two weeks? People complain about Catholic weddings that last longer than an hour.

And, I have to wonder why anyone would want their in-laws along on the honeymoon.

I once attended a beautiful wedding that was rumored to cost over $150,000. It was a year in the planning. And three months after this elegant event, the bride and groom broke up and filed for an annulment. Tom and Katie had that huge wedding in Italy and they got divorced. Some of the best marriages are begun with vows at the County Clerk's office.

I wouldn't go. I'd say "Bon Voyage! Send me a postcard!"

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

They can plan anything they want. That is their choice. Just as you and your husband can choose not to attend. Unless she is completely clueless, I am sure she knows that is a risk she runs.

While I agree with you 100%, unfortunately family dynamics do get in the way. Sometimes the HC will pressure their friends and family members or guilt trip them afterwards. Or maybe the parents or other family members. Some people may not relish the thought of hearing how they missed their own sibling's wedding, or that they were too cheap to attend or whatever variant happens to be used.

Thinking about the aging thread, I don't give a rat's a$$ about other people's opinion, even my family. A large part of that is because I'm older now. I can't control the actions of other people, only my own. No, not that I don't care at all, but not enough to change my decision. Trying to make me feel guilty or criticizing me for my decision has no impact on what I would actually do. In fact it pushes me in the opposite direction.

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

LLJsmom, I agree with you.

Another way of looking at it, and one of my favorite quotes ... Mother Theresa, "For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

Apologies to the non-believers. I didn't intend to bring religion into it, just ... freedom.

 

[JDDN]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Distracts and JDDN, I might make a thread next week with some pics from the wedding of me and my guys in our pirate outfits. They were actually really well put together and we looked awesome, there should be some giggles

No pressure but I'd love to see some pics!!

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wow. Just wow.

Even if we had the money, I would not go. That is too much time to take away from work and life. Even a week would be difficult to manage.

We had a sort of destination wedding. Two hour drive for most guests. Arranged a Thursday (better for our group) as it had almost no impact on guests. Only two would have had to do a day off of work. Paid the full room for most people who came. Got 1/2 price for the rest. Fruit/cheese/cracker tray waiting for each guest in their room. Early enough no one had to stay if they couldn't. The two guest flying, we paid airfare and got a car rental. Dinner/dessert for all. Brunch for all. Wine tasting for all. Discounted rates for anyone who wanted to stay longer.

Our main desire was to make it as convenient and enjoyable as possible for all guests while also being something we loved.

I would never have dreamed to ask two weeks of people!

 

[Calliecake]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

A close friend of ours attended a destination wedding a few years ago in Mexico for a family member. They were there for 4 days and had a wonderful time. My friend had said it was the most fun they ever had at a wedding when they returned from the trip. A few months after the wedding they found out that the wedding cost the bride and groom nothing. Supposedly because enough guests attended and rented rooms, the bride and grooms entire wedding and room charges were paid for by the hotel. My friend was really mad that had to pay so much for their stay while the bride and groom paid for nothing. She thought it was so rude that your guests would pay for your wedding. Could this be the case for the wedding you are being asked to attend?

 

[momhappy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

They can plan anything they want. That is their choice. Just as you and your husband can choose not to attend. Unless she is completely clueless, I am sure she knows that is a risk she runs.

While I agree with you 100%, unfortunately family dynamics do get in the way. Sometimes the HC will pressure their friends and family members or guilt trip them afterwards. Or maybe the parents or other family members. Some people may not relish the thought of hearing how they missed their own sibling's wedding, or that they were too cheap to attend or whatever variant happens to be used.

Thinking about the aging thread, I don't give a rat's a$$ about other people's opinion, even my family. A large part of that is because I'm older now. I can't control the actions of other people, only my own. No, not that I don't care at all, but not enough to change my decision. Trying to make me feel guilty or criticizing me for my decision has no impact on what I would actually do. In fact it pushes me in the opposite direction.

I agree with this.
It's not that I don't care what family (or friends) might think, but it's *my* opinion that matters most and I wouldn't let someone bully me into a choice that I didn't feel comfortable with. If someones made me feel guilty for not attending a destination wedding like the one described in this thread, it would be far less than the guilt I would feel myself leaving my kids, dogs, jobs, etc. to attend an over-the-top wedding….

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Well, DH spoke to his younger brother about the wedding to get his opinion before speaking to his sister about it, and his brother is LIVID, yet refuses to say anything to his sister because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He feels that it is way too much to ask financially and time-wise, and is very upset at the prospect of being stuck on a cruise ship for 12 days, too.

After hearing that, DH went to his sister to speak with her about his concerns, and unfortunately it did not go well. At all. She became really offended and upset and said that everyone else thinks it's a really great idea and implied that DH is just being selfish and cheap(!!!). She went on to tell him that she is hell-bent on doing her wedding this way because she doesn't want to spend a lot of her own money on a wedding and additionally does not want the inconvenience of planning, cleanup, etc. like we had with our wedding (our wedding was a small-budget DIY affair and I spent a lot of time crafting, planning, preparing, and DH and I spent about 5-6 hours the day after our wedding cleaning up--we didn't ask for help from our friends or family). DH told her that while it IS her wedding, those things are part of what you have to do in order to put on a nice party for your friends and family. We asked people to drive 60-100 miles outside of Los Angeles (plus a few friends and family traveled from the East Coast) for our wedding, and we felt that because of that we owed them a nice party free of additional costs to them. We covered the cost of accommodations for our friends who traveled cross-country for the wedding, we hosted a welcome dinner the night before that everyone was invited to and we also had transportation to the venue, dinner and an open bar for the wedding. Honestly, it was not easy to put on, but we wanted to do it because while it was OUR wedding, it was not 100% about us and we wanted our guests to feel like GUESTS and enjoy themselves.

Basically it ended with him feeling like a total @$$hole and her having hurt feelings. I am irate at the fact that it's come to light that the reason for her choice is to remove the burden and cost of wedding planning from herself at the cost of putting out her friends and family. It looks like they are going to do it in Dublin and at this point DH and I (and possibly some of the other family members) may just fly into Dublin and meet up with them for the day-of. This is just absurd


***END RANT***

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

They can plan anything they want. That is their choice. Just as you and your husband can choose not to attend. Unless she is completely clueless, I am sure she knows that is a risk she runs.

While I agree with you 100%, unfortunately family dynamics do get in the way. Sometimes the HC will pressure their friends and family members or guilt trip them afterwards. Or maybe the parents or other family members. Some people may not relish the thought of hearing how they missed their own sibling's wedding, or that they were too cheap to attend or whatever variant happens to be used.

Thinking about the aging thread, I don't give a rat's a$$ about other people's opinion, even my family. A large part of that is because I'm older now. I can't control the actions of other people, only my own. No, not that I don't care at all, but not enough to change my decision. Trying to make me feel guilty or criticizing me for my decision has no impact on what I would actually do. In fact it pushes me in the opposite direction.

I agree with this.
It's not that I don't care what family (or friends) might think, but it's *my* opinion that matters most and I wouldn't let someone bully me into a choice that I didn't feel comfortable with. If someones made me feel guilty for not attending a destination wedding like the one described in this thread, it would be far less than the guilt I would feel myself leaving my kids, dogs, jobs, etc. to attend an over-the-top wedding….

I think you all have valid points, but not being there for his sister is just not an option for DH… however, after having spoken to her and finding out that the reason she wants this destination wedding is for her own convenience and cost-savings, we are re-evaluating going on the cruise. We may just compromise and meet them for their cocktail and canapé reception and skip the cruise.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

A close friend of ours attended a destination wedding a few years ago in Mexico for a family member. They were there for 4 days and had a wonderful time. My friend had said it was the most fun they ever had at a wedding when they returned from the trip. A few months after the wedding they found out that the wedding cost the bride and groom nothing. Supposedly because enough guests attended and rented rooms, the bride and grooms entire wedding and room charges were paid for by the hotel. My friend was really mad that had to pay so much for their stay while the bride and groom paid for nothing. She thought it was so rude that your guests would pay for your wedding. Could this be the case for the wedding you are being asked to attend?

YUP! Just found out that this is the case… SIL is planning on spending $2000 on a crappy cocktail and canapé reception (because she doesn't want to pay for her guests dinners!!! DH and I are HORRIFIED and feel about the same as your friends. I feel strongly that (as long as you can afford to do so--there are exceptions) you owe your guests a nice party. They are traveling to celebrate the bride and groom, giving them gifts, etc… the bride and groom should put on a fun party and pay for dinner and drinks

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wow. Just wow.

Even if we had the money, I would not go. That is too much time to take away from work and life. Even a week would be difficult to manage.

We had a sort of destination wedding. Two hour drive for most guests. Arranged a Thursday (better for our group) as it had almost no impact on guests. Only two would have had to do a day off of work. Paid the full room for most people who came. Got 1/2 price for the rest. Fruit/cheese/cracker tray waiting for each guest in their room. Early enough no one had to stay if they couldn't. The two guest flying, we paid airfare and got a car rental. Dinner/dessert for all. Brunch for all. Wine tasting for all. Discounted rates for anyone who wanted to stay longer.

Our main desire was to make it as convenient and enjoyable as possible for all guests while also being something we loved.

I would never have dreamed to ask two weeks of people!

Sounds like you threw a wonderful party, and were extremely generous to your guests!!! I have been to a number of destination weddings, and while none have been as generous as what you described, they all threw a beautiful party and had a nice hosted welcome dinner and a hosted reception with open bar. I am so upset that SIL is trying to pass the costs on to her guests!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Distracts and JDDN, I might make a thread next week with some pics from the wedding of me and my guys in our pirate outfits. They were actually really well put together and we looked awesome, there should be some giggles

No pressure but I'd love to see some pics!!

SECOND!!!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

They can plan anything they want. That is their choice. Just as you and your husband can choose not to attend. Unless she is completely clueless, I am sure she knows that is a risk she runs.

While I agree with you 100%, unfortunately family dynamics do get in the way. Sometimes the HC will pressure their friends and family members or guilt trip them afterwards. Or maybe the parents or other family members. Some people may not relish the thought of hearing how they missed their own sibling's wedding, or that they were too cheap to attend or whatever variant happens to be used.

Personally guilt is much easier for me to get over than resentment.

That is a fantastic quote!!!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

That's a big ship! But, I get it. Are they getting married on the ship? Before the cruise? I will say that cruise weddings are very expensive for what you get, and you have very little control over where and when the ceremony happens. That's why we got married before the cruise. If she is going that route, could you guys fly over for the wedding and then do your own trip?

HUGE! That's part of the reason we don't want to go… They're not getting married on the ship. They want to find a venue at one of the ports and have a small ceremony followed by canapés and cocktails, then return to the ship for dinner. Honestly, it sounds really chintzy to me, like they are trying to avoid paying for a "real" wedding. She doesn't even want to serve lunch?!? I suppose we could meet them at port for the wedding ceremony, but that would mean only spending a few hours with her and the rest of the family.

Have they researched this at all? A lot of countries require a waiting period- meaning you have to be in the country for a few days before getting a marriage license. Italy, for example, is a 3 day waiting period.

I honestly don't know if they've looked into it… and obviously this is a really good question to ask!

It's at least two, possibly three weeks in Scotland (can't remember which). If the cruise is to the British Isles, I don't think it will be possible to marry on shore, unless there's some provision I'm not aware of for visitors, maybe. If you go, one of the ports is right next to my office. I see these cruise ships there from time to time. They are vast! We can always go for lunch, if you want to vent by then.

I might have to take you up on this offer!

 

[canuk-gal]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

HI:

I am glad I didn't buy a best seller for my vacation--as this thread is turning out to be a great read!

TuffyL--I wonder what will happen if/when fewer people opt in for the cruise; perhaps your SIL will end up paying for her cruise afterall. In that case, would they still go ahead?

Sorry your DH feels badly.

cheers--Sharon

 

[packrat]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

pppssst-Jordy, I want to see your wedding pics!

The only person I love enough to spend that kind of money on to go to a wedding is my brother. But he knows we don't have that money laying around (hello, that's like half my wages for a year for the two of us to go), so he'd never expect it, and he'd understand. If we had the money and could take the time off (which we can't take off, and we have two kids, four cats and a dog to think of), we would go.

Unless it was Australia. I'd move heaven and earth to spend 2 weeks there.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Well, DH spoke to his younger brother about the wedding to get his opinion before speaking to his sister about it, and his brother is LIVID, yet refuses to say anything to his sister because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He feels that it is way too much to ask financially and time-wise, and is very upset at the prospect of being stuck on a cruise ship for 12 days, too.

After hearing that, DH went to his sister to speak with her about his concerns, and unfortunately it did not go well. At all. She became really offended and upset and said that everyone else thinks it's a really great idea and implied that DH is just being selfish and cheap(!!!). She went on to tell him that she is hell-bent on doing her wedding this way because she doesn't want to spend a lot of her own money on a wedding and additionally does not want the inconvenience of planning, cleanup, etc. like we had with our wedding (our wedding was a small-budget DIY affair and I spent a lot of time crafting, planning, preparing, and DH and I spent about 5-6 hours the day after our wedding cleaning up--we didn't ask for help from our friends or family). DH told her that while it IS her wedding, those things are part of what you have to do in order to put on a nice party for your friends and family. We asked people to drive 60-100 miles outside of Los Angeles (plus a few friends and family traveled from the East Coast) for our wedding, and we felt that because of that we owed them a nice party free of additional costs to them. We covered the cost of accommodations for our friends who traveled cross-country for the wedding, we hosted a welcome dinner the night before that everyone was invited to and we also had transportation to the venue, dinner and an open bar for the wedding. Honestly, it was not easy to put on, but we wanted to do it because while it was OUR wedding, it was not 100% about us and we wanted our guests to feel like GUESTS and enjoy themselves.

Basically it ended with him feeling like a total @$$hole and her having hurt feelings. I am irate at the fact that it's come to light that the reason for her choice is to remove the burden and cost of wedding planning from herself at the cost of putting out her friends and family. It looks like they are going to do it in Dublin and at this point DH and I (and possibly some of the other family members) may just fly into Dublin and meet up with them for the day-of. This is just absurd


***END RANT***

Well of course she was offended (and hurt). She has an ideal plan in her head for *her* wedding and someone tried to tell her that her plan stinks (in polite terms, but that was still the point). I hate to say it because I really do agree with you that she is being difficult, but I'd be hurt too if someone rained on my parade. I think that most of us can agree that she's being ridiculous, but it's still her wedding and I don't think that it's anyone's job to try to alter her plans.
I truly do feel bad for you, OP and I get that you've been put in a very awkward position. I like your idea of flying into Dublin! Maybe you could even take a day or two for yourselves and have a little mini-vacation. Keep us posted on your plans and again, I wish you luck in trying to figure this mess out!

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Of course, SIL is offended and hurt, but someone had to say something. I don't know why people are afraid of her.

Has anyone spoken to the prospective groom yet? Maybe he'll back out of the proposal and this whole wedding situation will be moot.

 

[Calliecake]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

A close friend of ours attended a destination wedding a few years ago in Mexico for a family member. They were there for 4 days and had a wonderful time. My friend had said it was the most fun they ever had at a wedding when they returned from the trip. A few months after the wedding they found out that the wedding cost the bride and groom nothing. Supposedly because enough guests attended and rented rooms, the bride and grooms entire wedding and room charges were paid for by the hotel. My friend was really mad that had to pay so much for their stay while the bride and groom paid for nothing. She thought it was so rude that your guests would pay for your wedding. Could this be the case for the wedding you are being asked to attend?

YUP! Just found out that this is the case… SIL is planning on spending $2000 on a crappy cocktail and canapé reception (because she doesn't want to pay for her guests dinners!!! DH and I are HORRIFIED and feel about the same as your friends. I feel strongly that (as long as you can afford to do so--there are exceptions) you owe your guests a nice party. They are traveling to celebrate the bride and groom, giving them gifts, etc… the bride and groom should put on a fun party and pay for dinner and drinks

If many people decline to attend this wedding it will drastically change how much she has to pay. I can't imagine many people actually attending. The length of time she is expecting people to be away from the jobs and children is riduclious. She may have a rude awakening in the near future and it will be interesting to see if she still wants to proceed once she realizes it will cost HER a lot of money if no one wants to attend.

This caused a huge rift in my friends family and they were only away from home for 4 days. Imagine having a wedding and expecting your friends and family to pay for it and expecting a gift from them. This is what she basically is asking of her guests along with two whole weeks of their time. She sounds very immature and selfish. Something tells me her future in law and their families are also not going to be happy with this wedding either. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this Tuffluvr.

 

[arkieb1]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wow she seems like a Prima Donna with little regard for everyone else and hoping to do less work and get a free cruise as many previous posters suggested. Your husband should spread the word about the place to meet for the cocktail reception. I think the couple in question might be shocked at how many people actually do that once they know it is an option.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Well, DH spoke to his younger brother about the wedding to get his opinion before speaking to his sister about it, and his brother is LIVID, yet refuses to say anything to his sister because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He feels that it is way too much to ask financially and time-wise, and is very upset at the prospect of being stuck on a cruise ship for 12 days, too.

After hearing that, DH went to his sister to speak with her about his concerns, and unfortunately it did not go well. At all. She became really offended and upset and said that everyone else thinks it's a really great idea and implied that DH is just being selfish and cheap(!!!). She went on to tell him that she is hell-bent on doing her wedding this way because she doesn't want to spend a lot of her own money on a wedding and additionally does not want the inconvenience of planning, cleanup, etc. like we had with our wedding (our wedding was a small-budget DIY affair and I spent a lot of time crafting, planning, preparing, and DH and I spent about 5-6 hours the day after our wedding cleaning up--we didn't ask for help from our friends or family). DH told her that while it IS her wedding, those things are part of what you have to do in order to put on a nice party for your friends and family. We asked people to drive 60-100 miles outside of Los Angeles (plus a few friends and family traveled from the East Coast) for our wedding, and we felt that because of that we owed them a nice party free of additional costs to them. We covered the cost of accommodations for our friends who traveled cross-country for the wedding, we hosted a welcome dinner the night before that everyone was invited to and we also had transportation to the venue, dinner and an open bar for the wedding. Honestly, it was not easy to put on, but we wanted to do it because while it was OUR wedding, it was not 100% about us and we wanted our guests to feel like GUESTS and enjoy themselves.

Basically it ended with him feeling like a total @$$hole and her having hurt feelings. I am irate at the fact that it's come to light that the reason for her choice is to remove the burden and cost of wedding planning from herself at the cost of putting out her friends and family. It looks like they are going to do it in Dublin and at this point DH and I (and possibly some of the other family members) may just fly into Dublin and meet up with them for the day-of. This is just absurd


***END RANT***

Well of course she was offended (and hurt). She has an ideal plan in her head for *her* wedding and someone tried to tell her that her plan stinks (in polite terms, but that was still the point). I hate to say it because I really do agree with you that she is being difficult, but I'd be hurt too if someone rained on my parade. I think that most of us can agree that she's being ridiculous, but it's still her wedding and I don't think that it's anyone's job to try to alter her plans.
I truly do feel bad for you, OP and I get that you've been put in a very awkward position. I like your idea of flying into Dublin! Maybe you could even take a day or two for yourselves and have a little mini-vacation. Keep us posted on your plans and again, I wish you luck in trying to figure this mess out!

I totally get why she feels bad… I know I am not being as sensitive to her feelings as I should, but I feel like Ennui said--someone has to say something!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

HI:

I am glad I didn't buy a best seller for my vacation--as this thread is turning out to be a great read!

TuffyL--I wonder what will happen if/when fewer people opt in for the cruise; perhaps your SIL will end up paying for her cruise afterall. In that case, would they still go ahead?

Sorry your DH feels badly.

cheers--Sharon

Yeah, this has become major drama! I'm not sure what will happen if people don't go. I think it will be too late for them to figure it out and I think they will lose a lot of deposit money too! They've put down their own money as deposits on the rooms, and if people don't stay in those rooms I think they'll lose the deposits!

 

[kgizo]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

TuffyL, sorry you and DH have to deal with this family drama. I think your plan to attend the ceremony and skip the cruise is a wise one. If the invitees are already feeling out of sorts about the plan I can't imagine the family dynamics after being trapped for 12 days. Best to preserve your sanity and goodwill by making the ceremony and wishing them well but skipping the drama.