POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Affair?

[iLander]

This Ashley Madison thing (and the PS related thread) had me thinking about the SO's of those having affairs.

Would you want to know if your SO was having an affair? Why or why not?

I'll be back later with my two cents. Because that's what I do.

 

[chemgirl]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I said yes, but with prejudice.

If he had a one night stand years ago and never did it again I wouldn't want to know. Head in this sand is fine by me if he worked on himself and the marriage. For this situation I'm thinking a long term marriage, 20+ years where the cheating happened closer to year 1 than year 20.

Generally though, I would want to know as soon as possible. Get tested for diseases and take control of my life. If that means leaving then so be it. I would rather waste the least amount of time possible. Maybe we would reconcile, but there would be work required to get to that point. You can't take action if you don't know anything is happening.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I'm going to guess that I'm probably in the minority here, but I would absolutely not want to know in almost all cases. I think that people make stupid mistakes and infidelity does not necessarily mean that the cheater is done with the relationship. However, if it was an ongoing affair with deep emotional attachments, I would want to know as clearly it is time to move on.

 

[amc80]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

If he did something stupid and it was a one time thing? Nope, don't tell me. Don't ruin my life by burdening me with your mistakes. Having to live with what you've done for the rest of your life is your punishment.

If it's a long time affair? Or lots of "mistakes" over and over? Yeah, I need to know. That speaks to character, and I don't want to be with someone of that character.

 

[packrat]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Yes I absolutely would want to know. It would be a conscious decision on his part, to do that. And I believe that speaks to someone's character and the type of person they are. And I don't want anything to do w/a person like that.

 

[missy]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

YES I not only want to know I have to know. I need honesty in a relationship and trust is #1 to me and if that doesn't exist then I don't want to be in the relationship. There are no extenuating circumstances IMO when it comes to infidelity. It is a deal breaker in every way.

We had this conversation a very long time ago while we were dating in fact and my dh knows how I feel. If our relationship got to the point where one of us would want to stray we know we would talk to each other about it and work on the relationship. Why cheat? If you are unhappy work on your marriage or leave but to cheat and stay married I don't get it. So yes I would want to know no matter how painful knowing would be and how devastated I would be. Burying your head in the sand is no answer for a healthy relationship and knowledge is power. IMO.

 

[Sunstorm]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

+1 Missy it is one of the absolute dealbreakers to me too. Trust is also number 1 to me. Also, if he was ok cheating on, am I allowed the same thing? Seriously, they need to put themselves in our shoes. Not that I would do it BUT I usually say consider whether it is ok if I do the same thing to you.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I am also of the don't-tell-me camp if it was a one time thing long ago. No point in that. He has stayed with me a very long time, and that shows he didn't ever choose someone else over me.

I am pretty positive a long term affair would have been impossible just due to the fact my husband is generally home when he is not at work (and there are almost all men where he works). I think husbands who travel a lot have more opportunity to get into trouble.

I will admit that the Ashley Madison thing was a little disconcerting. If there were over 30 million men on there, it is likely that many of us would know someone on that list!

 

[telephone89]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I say yes, however reading some of the other responses do make me question that - re one night (drunken) stand.

I mean, I look at it like this (generally thinking their answer is something like, I was so drunk/didn't know what i was doing/meant nothing) - if someone can get THAT drunk that they lose control of themselves like that, I would never trust them going out drinking again. I would ALWAYS think in the back of my mind 'oh what if he drinks too much and f^#%$ someone else?' or, 'his friends obviously don't care enough about our relationship to stop him, why does he even hang out with them?' and just go down a whole rabbit hole of negativity. HOWEVER if someone is capable of doing this under the influence, who's to say it was a one time thing? A one time mistake? I would think it's almost worse than making a choice to? I dunno. So, I'm not sure if I'd want to know in this instance. I think telling ME, this could ruin the relationship because I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him again.

If it was an affair - or like on AM he spent TIME and MONEY looking for someone to cheat with (even trolling craigslist), then I would want to know ASAP so I could get out. That is no longer a one time thing, that is putting effort into cheating on me, which I will not stand for. My time, love and heart all deserve better than someone who cares so little about me to do this.

 

[Niel]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I've told my husband if he has chested on me not to tell me. If he's done it and its over and he's chosen to be faithful to me I don't care. He feels the same. Though neither of us have I'm sure.

If he was currently , I guess maybe I'd want to know I don't know. I'm conflicted. Lol

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

YES. ABSOLUTELY, COMPLETELY AND WITH FULL DISCLOSURE. WOULD NOT EVEN BE A QUESTION. Goes for an affair or a one night stand. Checked with DH. yup, he would want to know too.

 

[telephone89]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Also - the poll is for an affair, which I generally think of as long term, on going. Not just a one night stand.

 

[momhappy]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I really can't answer. On the one hand, it would shatter my world if I knew, but on the other hand, trust/honesty/respect/integrity are all big ones for me, so I wouldn't want to knowingly be with someone who didn't possess those characteristics in our relationship. My DH travels some times and I'd be lying if I said that a cheating thought has never crossed my mind. I think how easy it would be for him - meeting someone, being in a hotel, with no connections, etc., especially since he visits a lot of the same places/same groups of people routinely.
I have a feeling that I would figure it out sooner or later. I'm pretty good at trusting my gut/intuition. We had a minor trust issue (not cheating, but something that I was not comfortable with as married people) last summer during one of my DH's business travels. I sensed almost right away that something was not quite right and were able to get to the bottom of it and move on.

 

[iLander]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Also - the poll is for an affair, which I generally think of as long term, on going. Not just a one night stand.

I guess I meant "Would you want to know if your SO slept with someone else?"

Once, twice, several times, over the course of years, has a second family, whatever. For this poll, lumping it all under "affair".

 

[HollyS]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Ongoing affair? Yes, of course, I want to know. Because I'm packing my stuff and leaving after I clean out the bank account.

 

[chemgirl]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Also - the poll is for an affair, which I generally think of as long term, on going. Not just a one night stand.

I guess I meant "Would you want to know if your SO slept with someone else?"

Once, twice, several times, over the course of years, has a second family, whatever. For this poll, lumping it all under "affair".

It's all knowingly doing something that could destroy the marriage.

I would go further to say that I don't think the line is sex. IMO you are having an affair with someone if you get emotionally attached. Texting a coworker at all hours even after your spouse tells you to cut it out? That's an affair as far as I'm concerned.

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Ongoing affair? Yes, of course, I want to know. Because I'm packing my stuff and leaving after I clean out the bank account.

Lol!!

 

[missy]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Also - the poll is for an affair, which I generally think of as long term, on going. Not just a one night stand.

I guess I meant "Would you want to know if your SO slept with someone else?"

Once, twice, several times, over the course of years, has a second family, whatever. For this poll, lumping it all under "affair".

It's all knowingly doing something that could destroy the marriage.

I would go further to say that I don't think the line is sex. IMO you are having an affair with someone if you get emotionally attached. Texting a coworker at all hours even after your spouse tells you to cut it out? That's an affair as far as I'm concerned.

Chemgirl, I agree that emotional intimacy with someone else is also an affair and very damaging to the health of your relationship.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Why wouldn't you (the general you) want to know? Whether it was a one time thing or a longer term affair, yes, I'd definitely want to know.

 

[lyra]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Typing with a splint on...

I said no. He's 55. I know him well enough to know he's not having an affair, believe me. But take me back 20 years, then maybe my answer is yes, but I'm not sure. I don't want to disrupt my life. He's not going to divorce now, why would he want to give up half of everything, and why would I want only half of everything I have now. I'm saying this with humour. Still the truth though.

 

[Rockinruby]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Yes, I would want to know... no matter what circumstance or timeframe it happened in.

 

[arkieb1]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Yes because I don't think it's fair that one person signs up for commitment and another pretends to or doesn't have the same idea of what this means as the other..... Over the years I've seen lots of guys that have a different definition of "commitment" than their wives, so what they think is acceptable and they can get away with would totally freak their wives out if they knew.

 

[distracts]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Oh yeah, I went straight to the sites where you can search the leak data and put in all of my husband's email addresses that I know. I had no reason to be suspicious, but trust but verify, am I right?

Of course, my husband is a smart cookie, so hopefully he wouldn't ever be stupid enough to put something like that under his real email address rather than a throwaway, or real credit card rather than a visa gift card. But also we have enough friends/acquaintances/family in open relationships/marriages and have discussed it enough before and always left it at "not for now but if anything changes reconvene to discuss again" so that I would hope if he felt the need to seek out another sex partner or relationship he would discuss it with me and we would open our marriage rather than cheat on me. But that requires ten thousand times more communication, trust, and respect with and of your partner than cheating does.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Ladies FYI, There are more women cheating on their husband than men cheating on their wife.

 

[House Cat]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I always think I wouldn't want to know because I love my life and my husband. I would want to have to say goodbye to any of it.


But realistically, I would want to know. My life is too short to be shackled to a cheater.

 

[perry]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

I very rarely post anymore; but, I thought I'd jump in here.

Honesty and integrity is the foundation of our marriage. So, yes there is a need to know. Then it gets down to why and the circumstances. For certain extreme and rare situations not an issue at all (pre-discussed/approved prior to marriage: if one of us finds themselves in a survival situation - do what you feel you need to survive as surviving is more important than fidelity - and people who partner/group survive better than individuals); for other reasons it could kill the marriage.

Our two key intertwined marriage vows: Honesty; and that no issue cannot be dealt with if raised timely and honestly, and with each party having compassion for the other. We've been through one biggie issue that way (with 6 months of counseling and then months afterwards to work out how we were actually going to handle it); and a few lessor ones. People are not perfect; people may not know things about themselves or each other (especially when from different cultures and not being able to speak the other's language), and people can have problems develop in their lives after they get married. Allowances can be made for those imperfections, lack of knowledge, and developing problems if identified honestly and in a timely fashion. Is not that what a marriage is supposed to do?

Princess and I had lots of discussion on why we got married and what our goals are. While sex is important to the marriage; we didn't get married for sex. Honesty, working together on common goals, supporting each other, and the resulting emotional attachment is far more important.

Life is worth living if you do it right,

Perry

 

[perry]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Partial quote

I would hope if he felt the need to seek out another sex partner or relationship he would discuss it with me and we would open our marriage rather than cheat on me. But that requires ten thousand times more communication, trust, and respect with and of your partner than cheating does.

I totally agree, If there is a problem or an issue discuss it with your spouse and figure out how to deal with it (get/give permission if needed). I also agree that requires really good communication, trust, and respect between partners.

Perry

 

[momhappy]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Ladies FYI, There are more women cheating on their husband than men cheating on their wife.

Says who? I've seen the numbers sliced both ways. Some studies seem to indicate that as women are becoming more financially independent, they're beginning to act more like men (in other words, the number of women cheating is increasing). I still think more men cheat than women, but I'm sure that there are plenty of women who cheat too.

 

[arkieb1]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Ladies FYI, There are more women cheating on their husband than men cheating on their wife.

Not according the the Ashley Madison hackers where the vast majority are married men.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: POLL Would You Want To Know If Your SO Was Having An Aff

Ladies FYI, There are more women cheating on their husband than men cheating on their wife.

Not according the the Ashley Madison hackers where the vast majority are married men.

That's b/c when women cheat they keep it a secret men on the hand brags about cheating.