Dust Please? Youngest Son and His Bully

[House Cat]

Last year, my youngest son was bullied by a very disturbed young boy. To condense this story, the boy threatened my son's life twice, the second time, very graphically by saying he was going to shove his thumbs into my son's eye sockets and hit his brain. The school was responsive in the way that they assigned a yard duty teacher to my son and they gave the kid in school suspension for the second threat.

Well, school starts tomorrow and I emailed the principal to ensure that my son is not in the same class with this boy. I should tell all of you that this child has caused my son a great deal of distress and he is in therapy because of all of this. Well, it looks like the school forgot about this issue when assigning classes because the principal wants to meet with me today. I am hoping and praying that he will present some sort of solution that doesn't entail my son being in the same class with this kid. I just don't see my son participating in class in a meaningful way if he is in a state of high anxiety.

The thing that really gets me is that this kid has threatened several kids, bullied a few kids, and is a behavioral problem for the school. Why is he still around?

So I would like to ask for dust please. Hopefully I will be presented with a GOOD solution and I won't be put in the position to have to fight for my son (again.)

 

[telephone89]

Oh my gosh, that is so unnacceptable! Lots of dust and well wishes. Lots of love to you and your son too <3

 

[KaeKae]

Sending you TONS of dust.

And I'd advise you to stick to your guns. You requested the boys be in separate classes. As far as I'm concerned, the school should have made sure of that, even without your request. Don't leave the meeting until you are sure that will happen.

This bully sounds disturbed.

 

[ruby59]

In today's day and age, schools cannot afford to take such a care free attitude.

JMO, but I would call the police. With all the school shootings lately, I would be very aggressive in getting this child seen by the proper authorities to assess his risks of causing harm to others.

 

[CJ2008]

Wow.

This sounds like a very scary and serious situation.

I agree with ruby that I would be very aggressive in making sure this boy is not either capable or close to hurting others - humans or animals (it's my understanding that sociopaths show their first signs of violence against animals.) I don't know if the police is the "right" authority, but whoever can make that assertion.

Doesn't sound like the school is treating this with the urgency it deserves.

Dust and courage and calm and strength in dealing with all this House Cat - it makes my heart skip a beat, I can't even imagine yours.

 

[ruby59]

I don't know if the police is the "right" authority, but whoever can make that assertion.


I suggested the police only because this has been going on for a while and neither the parents nor the school has taken any action. Not only is the op's child at risk but every student and teacher in that school. If this child is mentally ill, then he needs to be evaluated by a child psychiatrist, asap. Hopefully, calling the police, will get him on someone's radar so he can be assessed and treated before he causes harm.

 

[CJ2008]

I don't know if the police is the "right" authority, but whoever can make that assertion.

I suggested the police only because this has been going on for a while and neither the parents nor the school has taken any action. Not only is the op's child at risk but every student and teacher in that school. If this child is mentally ill, then he needs to be evaluated by a child psychiatrist, asap. Hopefully, calling the police, will get him on someone's radar so he can be assessed and treated before he causes harm.

I'm with you, ruby, believe me.

I don't understand why he hasn't been evaluated already? (or maybe he has, House Cat?)

I think that's why the police didn't come to mind first, but some kind of psychiatrist. But yes, I see your point being that the school is basically taking this way too lightly in my opinion. With there having a threat to the child's life, the police might indeed get involved eta and might be the way to wake everyone up.

 

[Kaleigh]

Sending tons of dust your way. Stand firm. This cannot happen to your son. It doesn't sound as though they are taking this seriously. I would go above the Principle to the school district and make your complaints known.

Good luck!!! Very sorry to hear this.

 

[ame]

I do hope they are remedying the situation appropriately.

 

[ruby59]

The thing that really gets me is that this kid has threatened several kids, bullied a few kids, and is a behavioral problem for the school. Why is he still around?

Years ago, a similar situation happened in my daughter's school. There was a boy who was two years older (8-9) still in first grade with my daughter. He was a straight up bully, disruptive in both the classroom and on the playground. He tossed one 6 year old from a swing and almost knocked another one off the top of the slide. Principal told us his hands were tied. The school board in our area only met once a month and it took a couple of months to get on the schedule.

The problem we were told is that this kid was e entitled to an education. Sending a teacher to his home would be expensive. They tried passing him off to some of the other elementary schools in our city, but none would take him.

So we parents got together and decided to record what was happening on the playground. And we then presented it to the police. Due to privacy rules none of us were ever told what happened with this child, but he fortunately never came back to our school.

 

[tyty333]

This is NOT ok! You (and your son) have rights. Insist that he be put in a different class or you will be having a little meeting
with the school board (or whoever is in charge at the highest level). Be calm, but be firm. Follow through. Document everything.
Take a pad of paper and pen. Write what he say's down. It will put him on notice. If you have a file of information from
the previous bullying incidents, bring it with you. Remember you are his client. You pay his salary. He works for you. That
should help put things in perspective.

If he says no, then say something like "So, what you are saying is that...
...you can not provide my son with a healthy, safe learning environment?"
...it's ok that a child suffers psychological distress at the hands of another child?"
...your hands are tied? You aren't going to do anything about it?"

And why was the yard duty teacher assigned to your son? The teacher should have been assigned to the bully to make sure that
he wasn't bullying other kids as well as your son. Your son is not the problem!

Things like this tick me off. May I ask what grade we are talking about?

 

[Kaleigh]

I would also ask that his previous teacher and social worker be present for this meeting. The teacher can back you up as to what happened last year...

This really makes me sick...

 

[momhappy]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.
One of my children had a bully from about 2nd grade on. At one point, the bully (who has since been diagnosed with some sort of behavioral issues), threatened to kill my child on several occasions. The school took action, but they were still in class together the following two years of school despite the fact that there are 4 different classrooms and could have been separated. They managed to somehow coexist in class and to be honest, the bully sort of gave up the bullying because my child stopped reacting to it. I would certainly not hesitate to step in if the bullying started up again, but sometimes, these sorts of issues can work themselves out and they are good life lessons (provided that they are not too severe/abnormal). I hope that you can get your issue resolved and that your child has a positive school year!

 

[House Cat]

This is NOT ok! You (and your son) have rights. Insist that he be put in a different class or you will be having a little meeting
with the school board (or whoever is in charge at the highest level). Be calm, but be firm. Follow through. Document everything.
Take a pad of paper and pen. Write what he say's down. It will put him on notice. If you have a file of information from
the previous bullying incidents, bring it with you. Remember you are his client. You pay his salary. He works for you. That
should help put things in perspective.

If he says no, then say something like "So, what you are saying is that...
...you can not provide my son with a healthy, safe learning environment?"
...it's ok that a child suffers psychological distress at the hands of another child?"
...your hands are tied? You aren't going to do anything about it?"

And why was the yard duty teacher assigned to your son? The teacher should have been assigned to the bully to make sure that
he wasn't bullying other kids as well as your son. Your son is not the problem!

Things like this tick me off. May I ask what grade we are talking about?

Well, I am back. He did switch my son to a different class, which makes me very happy. He was worried because there is another boy who also threatened my son and he is in this other class... sigh. This all sounds so crazy and as though my son is... I don't know how this all makes my son sound.

My son is a very sweet boy, too sweet. He wears his emotions on his sleeve. He says that he hates the fact that he feels his emotions so intensely because he begins to cry when he doesn't want to. When these boys say these awful things to him, he doesn't jump to anger, his feelings get hurt and then he gets afraid.

My other sons would have gotten angry. One would have kicked the crud out of the kids. One would have made the kids his arch nemeses for the rest of their lives and screwed with them until they were gone. But this sweet son goes into fear and anxiety and needs support.

So my son is in the class with the lesser of two evils. I know the parents of this boy, quite well because our boys were friends. They are on again off again friends. It just gets to the point to where if my son doesn't give this boy enough attention, he goes into hyper rejection mode and begins his bullying behavior. My son is learning to just completely ignore him and that is starting to work.

So that was the reason he had a yard duty assigned to him...to ensure his safety with BOTH boys.

The principal assigned himself to the "shove his thumbs through the eye sockets" boy for each recess.

The principal told me today that the (worse) boy might not return. He and his brother were caught vandalizing the school this summer. The police were involved. Now his parents owe restitution of $1200. The principal has been trying to get in touch with the child's mother with no success. He said their father lives an hour away and maybe she shipped them off to avoid the fine.

Last year the boys were in 4th grade.

One last thought and I am totally open to opinions on this matter...
I am REALLY afraid to go totally ballistic about this subject. The principal IS working with me. I know that the police haven't been contacted in regards to the threats, and maybe they should or maybe the district should be called? What I worry about is doing something that will upset the principal to the point to where he stops working with me. My son's well-being and comfort is my first priority. I have seen many parents (at other schools) bring out the big guns and flip out right at the beginning and they get nowhere fast. I don't want to ruin my relationship with this principal, who seems to be doing what he can for my son. What do you think?

 

[House Cat]

And thank you everyone for the dust! I am really happy actually that my son was switched into a different class! He is even happier than I!

 

[purplesparklies]

I am sorry you and your son are dealing with this. Your son sounds a bit like my younger son, age 10. He is very sweet and a bit sensitive. I enrolled him in Tae Kwon Do a couple of years ago and he is currently a deputy black belt (next is black). It has been hugely beneficial for his self confidence. He knows he can handle himself if he finds himself in a difficult position with a child who is bullying him. Thankfully, he has never had to use his strength and abilities to defend himself and I think his confidence has helped keep others from targeting him.

Please continue to advocate for your child. Do not let the concern that the school may push back keep you from doing what you know is best for your son. Bullying is a huge issue for educators and allowing a child to be bullied at school is a huge liability issue.

 

[momhappy]

I don't think going to the school district and/or police is appropriate. There are bullies in every classroom of every school and while I realize that sometimes bullying can be very serious, in many cases, it's all part of growing up. Situations like these can make children stronger and can provide them with important coping skills that they will utilize throughout life. I know that some children can have more difficulty dealing with bullying. I also know that there are kids out there who seem to be inherently mean (and those are the kids that need to be watched carefully and dealt with accordingly). For those reasons, you should do what you feel is appropriate when it comes to you and your family. Personally, I would be satisfied (for the time being) with the actions of the school. I would, however, continue to closely monitor the situation and keep in close contact with the school on a routine basis.

 

[CJ2008]

I am REALLY afraid to go totally ballistic about this subject. The principal IS working with me. I know that the police haven't been contacted in regards to the threats, and maybe they should or maybe the district should be called? What I worry about is doing something that will upset the principal to the point to where he stops working with me. My son's well-being and comfort is my first priority. I have seen many parents (at other schools) bring out the big guns and flip out right at the beginning and they get nowhere fast. I don't want to ruin my relationship with this principal, who seems to be doing what he can for my son.

Sounds like you feel that what is being done is enough, and that your son is safe, and if that's the case I see why you're questioning taking it any higher/further.

I don't think you need to go "against" the principal necessarily to escalate the situation, if you feel it is warranted. You can tell him that even with all he's doing, you don't think your boy is safe based on the other boy's comments about pushing your son's eyeballs in, and that you'd like his help or at least and cooperation with making a report to the police.

I don't know - I think that's a pretty detailed threat that would scare the crap out of me, and I'm an adult.

Then again I watch a lot of reality crime shows so I'm probably paranoid.

So I think the answer lies with you - if you think what's being done is enough for now, then watch it carefully and see how it develops. If you don't really think he's safe...try to get the the principal's help and cooperation in escalating it...but if he resisted or didn't want to make a "scandal" I don't think it would stop me if I was truly afraid.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Does your school have in house security officers? Most schools do nowadays and it would be helpful if you could talk to then and alert them to the situation.

eta: sending mega anti bully dust directly to your son!

 

[jordyonbass]

This is terrible House Cat, I wish all the best for you and your son in this tough situation. I was on the receiving end of a lot of bullying through my high school years and I know how hard it is to deal with, however I am quite concerned for the other child as well as this is an indicator that something very wrong may be going on at their home. I never got death threats like that and it worries me.

I hope it's dealt with swiftly by the correct authorities so that everyone can move on.

 

[Mayk]

Please continue to be dilligent in your pursit of your son's safety. My DD was also bullied by a repeat offender that would create a pack by including others when they would pick on DD. She was in a brace for her scoliosis and wore glasses and braces... and a very sweet awkard child (read here perfect target). When they gave a warning to this student but didn't change the classes I filed a report with the school board (the dean of girls helped me because he said his hands were tied). They took my daughter out of the class and made sure she was not in any of the bully's classes. This was all in Middle school. They sent this student to alternative school the next year when she got in trouble in high school during the first week. When she came back they put her in DD's gym class. I took the report from the previous year and walked into the dean's class and said you can move her or I can file another report becuase she is already taunting DD and she's only been back one week. He immediately addressed it. Thankfully we moved and we are no longer in the school district.

I would just be sure you are consistent providing follow up and documenting your feedback and fight the good fight. I had a mother call me and challenge me for my involvement, She thought I should just let the girls work things out. I was appalled and said you can raise you kid anyway you want, but I'm not allowing my DD to be tormented in school when she should be focused on her classwork not worrying about being pushed around after class or worse.

Good luck.. hugs and dust you and your son!

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I just remembered this, from my final year on employment at the high school. There was a really bad blood between two boys, but one outweighed the other by about 50 pounds and was way more aggressive. Don't get me wrong, the other one wasn't an angel, but the larger kid had the advantage. Anyway fights were an almost every day happening either in the lunchroom or at dismissal UNTIL the parents of the smaller child threatened to get a restraining order. Protocols were all of sudden put into place and we never had another problem. Dramatic? Yes, but effective.


I sincerely hope nothing like this every has to happen, and his coming year is nothing but peaceful.

 

[azstonie]

Housie, so sorry your son is experiencing this. This is not a one-off-nasty crack btw kids calling for some stoicism, this is real bullying and schools by law must do what is necessary to guarantee and provide a safe appropriate environment for your son (and the other kid too).

The real options:
That kid is sent to the next school over. (Best choice for all involved including that principal as the students and parent will be cautious regarding behavior).
Expulsion.
Suspension.

Warning: don't allow your son to be put into any kind of "mending fences" encounters with the other kid. It will give the other kid more leverage over your son. Your son is not the predator here.

 

[arkieb1]

Perhaps you should wait and see if the worst boy returns and if not then your son could go into that class and hopefully that solves the problem. The principal is probably doing the best he can.

 

[azstonie]

I taught for 12 years. I noticed that at schools where almost the entire staff was out and about with the students during lunch and recess, there was no actual bullying. Too many adults around. Same for schools with civil and respectful faculty and staff.

I also noticed that schools that had bullying going on by the principal of teachers, or teacher to teacher bullying, it rolled downhill onto the students who picked up those examples and bullied each other.

If your school is the second paragraph, you might consider moving your son to one of the schools that would fit the first paragraph.

 

[JDDN]

I read through the whole thread and I'm so sorry this is happening to your sweet son. He will find his niche some day.

I know very well the mama bear side of the mama and you are doing all the right things.

Sending lots of dust to you and your son. Hopefully the bully will find his way and emerge a decent person.

 

[LLJsmom]

My son experienced several instances of bullying starting in 1st grade. After incident 3, we enrolled him in self defense and martial arts. It helped him tremendously to feel more confident and hold himself up more assertively. He is a sweet sensitive boy who would rather not get a kid in trouble than protect himself from bullying. We tried the route of going to the administration and even confronted the parents in another incident. But in the future, I am certain he will encounter more bullies. We just wanted to equip him with skills to defend himself as well. I told him that if he got in trouble at school for defending himself, I would be right there at his side, defending his right not be any other person's physical and emotional punching bag. Btw, soon after martial arts started, the bullying stopped. Now he is a brown belt and working toward a black belt. He loves martial arts, and found his thing!

 

[JDDN]

My son experienced several instances of bullying starting in 1st grade. After incident 3, we enrolled him in self defense and martial arts. It helped him tremendously to feel more confident and hold himself up more assertively. He is a sweet sensitive boy who would rather not get a kid in trouble than protect himself from bullying. We tried the route of going to the administration and even confronted the parents in another incident. But in the future, I am certain he will encounter more bullies. We just wanted to equip him with skills to defend himself as well. I told him that if he got in trouble at school for defending himself, I would be right there at his side, defending his right not be any other person's physical and emotional punching bag. Btw, soon after martial arts started, the bullying stopped. Now he is a brown belt and working toward a black belt. He loves martial arts, and found his thing!

This is great! I love how you turned a negative into a positive for your son. And I am right there with you defending your son's right to defend himself if he were to get in trouble.

It may not work for every child, but this is a great example of one option for dealing with bullying.

 

[lknvrb4]

Do you have a Regional Safe School Program where you live? I live in Illinois and worked as a teachers aide for this program. It is for kids who are expelled and get a chance to still get an education, all the learning is online. This child seems to fit the bill but I am guessing until he actually hurts someone besides threats they really can't do anything.

 

[tyty333]

House Cat...so glad that the meeting went well and your son got into a different class. I had a whole message written out for
you yesterday and my computer ate it!

Just to address some of the the things you mentioned earlier.

- No need to go ballistic in these situations. Like I said, calm but firm. I always try to think of the possible negative responses
they will give and have a counter for it in my head. Sometimes it's hard to think on your feet when dealing with these
tough conversations. If you've already thought of it and are prepared then it will come to you easier. Pretend like it is your
job to make sure this child has a safe school environment. Try to take the emotion out of it. Just so happens that the
child is yours but, what if it were your job to protect other kids at school from this situation?

- Try to come up with a plan for your son that he can use when a bully tries to get at him. I was nervous when my son went
into Jr. High (face it, Jr. High can be rough). So, we decided if someone said something to him that he would say "Whatever"
and walk away. Giving your son a "plan" will give him more confidence and will give him something to concentrate on vs. thinking
about what the bully has said. I'm sure your child psychologist can help with this "plan". Practice the plan. I think it really
empowered my son just having a plan (as simple as it was). I also love the Tae kwon Do idea or self defense class. Great ideas
to build his confidence. Bullies don't usually pick on kids with confidence because they don't get the power they are looking for
from the situation.

-And playing the devils advocate to someone who mentioned the idea that bullying will make him stronger in the long run, bullying
can also ruin someone's self-esteem and in extreme cases cause suicide so you are doing/have done the right thing by taking
care of this.

-And also, when your school/principal is not acting in the best interest of your child, going to the district/county is absolutely
the right answer. Again, don't go ballistic, stay calm, be logical and be firm. Do your research.

I sincerely hope you and your son have a great school year and can put all this behind you!

Tyty333